Greetings into the void.

Harrow. at the age of 35 (soon), i am shooting another entry into the void hoping that humanity from the beyond can use this as a study to understand how humans felt.

While i want to present myself as a different person as the one who posted back in 2023, nth much changed. Quoting the below: 

"im still lonely, im still bored, im still human, i am still me.

What changed?"

I am still lonely, bored and human, i want to say that things changed for me. the experiences i'd had made me feel different ( citing them MASTERS & Vietnam ~ BKK coming soon). Pretty certain tt while some parts of me is different, other parts are still the same. 

whats new today ? i just came out of another interview feeling inadequate. While part of it can be attributed to my lack of preparation, i believe a large part came from my general lack of self-improvement and follow through. 

its my 35th birthday tomorrow, things are supposed to change with the anticipation of my own property & a change in job. but i dont feel ready, i dont feel confident. 

to be honest, i have felt.... inadequate and incapable after i left OCBC. different parts of me is debating whether the departure was strategic. 

1. If i have stayed, i may have been promoted after suffering thru the familiar torture.; or 

2. i needed this feeling of inadequacy to comprehend how inexperienced I am (or the fact that i became inadequate because i left).

I dont know for now but, i do hope that i can be better soon. in a better position, in a more satisfied position.  

till then. 

hello from the future

 Good evening. 

came back after 4 years from my last post. reading and trying to recall my feelings then, it felt surreal. it felt like I had been moving in circles while at the same time moved so far forward.

where do i start? well, the thing that didn changed:

im still lonely, im still bored, im still human, i am still me.

What changed?

i wld like to think tt i am very different now. with luck, i hope i am much more mature now. hahaha. many things had changed and many things havent. For starters, i wreaked havoc in OSPL and i ran away hurriedly. i told myself and others that it is calculated decision but part of me just winged it. i tell myself tt i am satisfied whilst feeling dissatisfied, while at the same time enjoying parts of it, heh but aint that normal? given that we live in a world of imperfection anyway.

wld like to give a context as to why i am posting today: 
1) One of my PMS days where i start to think back bout life
2) Bored
3) Random emotional night

heh. let me address these one by one.

1) i guess i had the luxury to think about life these days, reflecting on what i was, what i am, and what i can be. on the bus ride home today, a sudden thought struck me, "What if?" - what if i had made a different decision back then, how would things be different today. 

First - what if i didn stalked you at polyclinic that day, what if i didnt go into a drunken stupor then, what if i just be honest with my feelings with u then, what if i didn judged u as an insurance agent.

Second - what if i wasnt such a childish, possessive loser. What if i believed that i am as normal as i am instead of being in a self denial that i was special.?

Third - Similar mistakes were made, what if i was more mature, what if i am not so emotional and egoistic, what if. just what if, i was not so obsessive and am strong enough to overcome stress w/o alcohol influence.

Fourth - i hate myself for alcoholism. i wished i could talk with you all night long when i had been sober all year round and wow. i am still so obsessive. i knew the theory but i cant seem to make it work. i hated myself for all my drunken states. i hate myself for not being able to handle the stress without alcohol, nor....being fulfill my fullest potential. 

2) heh. i am. bored. given the xtra time that i never had, i find my self thinking and reflecting more than normal.

3) random thoughts - guess its a derivative from my stupid boring life. i guess when u had nth to do, u start to think back? no thanks to all the 'Multi-versal' shenanigans going on. triggers my brain to think about the "what ifs" if i had acted previously. 

im running out of patience to write man. but, i guess ill come back sooner than later to document my life - seems interesting to document my life heh. 

anw. sorry to my pathetic angry self. guess my rage and anguish is more simmered now than it was explosive then. fight on. i believe in both of u~!

   

like what the hell

here I am. still as bad. while I know that I'm just a tree in a forest, a leave on a tree, an atom in the universe.

I'm so sick of all these but what can I do about it. Ive worked harder, be nicer, worked less, be worse, no one ever gave a shit anw.

what am I gonna get after this, where is the end of all these nonsense.

what I have done to deserve this . cant I jus happiness too?

alliwanischew

Sick of trying

Sometimes I thought tt I am normal, may/ will be happy if I tried harder. But I guess mine is gonna be different. U know, when U are made not being able to fly, u won’t be able to do it even if u jus jump right out a sky scrappers rooftop.

Similarly, I can be nice to everyone, show my care n concern to ppl, no one will care Anw. Im jus biologically programmed to be alone: wher I rly do wonder if I’m strong becuz im alone or I’m alone Bcuz I’m strong.

Regardless; it’s gon be a lonely battle, with victory I lead, with failure I learn :<

The new year

So last new year post’s title is “Accidental desperation“ while I remb the reason all too well.

Anw there’s nth special this year, there is still nth special this year.

Basically kinda wasted my Long weekends being wasted n I feel kinda bad. thus falling inTo a denial of “nah I don’t wanna slp, I rly dread going back to work”

Humanoid

so I'd been busy for so Long and the end is not in sight.

I have got so much hatred in me with no one to share with. Ppl whom I tot are my frens aren’t actually tt trustworthy either.

I have to keep it to myself, I Haf to take it on my own.

I do not blame u or u Nor u. Cuz u are jus a minor gear in this huge ass world. I cannot blame myself as I rly did try to be my best.

The world is as screwed up as it always had been n I tot I at least have to
the power to at least make mine better.


I Guess I am too. An entity so small tt can’t change the state of this disgusting worlds

Yume ga nai.

kyo wa ore no oh-tanjobi desu ne, danga, ore ga ureshii ja nai da.

Well, uneventfully, I went back to office to do "work" which at the end of the day I realized that it all didn mean much anw. so what if I managed to make all those small little things perfect.

there are greater things that are expected of me.

the little imperfect things that minor human does cant affect me at the very least.

well, when it comes to work, I can conclude tt I'm not longer normal human level but so what abt it. no one will able to appreciate + acknowledge how strong I am as a human, for they all have a gauge on my limits (as a feeble human as they are) for me.

What can I do, I can only live and suck whatever shit they have for me now. when I have the opportunity, of course I will destroy all tt those feeble human think they know and I will rise above them.

tho pure capabilities aint all tt matters, ill prolly get sick of getting judged by lesser human beings sooner or later.

ill rise, one way or the other.

if this minor human race can only see my flaws, then I shall explore new areas and move out of these lowly filthes.