Checkpoint

This is probably the 15-20 years that I have used this stie for putting in my personal thoughts. I was a middle schoool student when i started and now i am supposed to be at a 'mid management' level staff.

It will be crazy for a middle school student to read my story but damn, hell lots of ppl are going to find the oi

Greetings into the void.

Harrow. at the age of 35 (soon), i am shooting another entry into the void hoping that humanity from the beyond can use this as a study to understand how humans felt.

While i want to present myself as a different person as the one who posted back in 2023, nth much changed. Quoting the below: 

"im still lonely, im still bored, im still human, i am still me.

What changed?"

I am still lonely, bored and human, i want to say that things changed for me. the experiences i'd had made me feel different ( citing them MASTERS & Vietnam ~ BKK coming soon). Pretty certain tt while some parts of me is different, other parts are still the same. 

whats new today ? i just came out of another interview feeling inadequate. While part of it can be attributed to my lack of preparation, i believe a large part came from my general lack of self-improvement and follow through. 

its my 35th birthday tomorrow, things are supposed to change with the anticipation of my own property & a change in job. but i dont feel ready, i dont feel confident. 

to be honest, i have felt.... inadequate and incapable after i left OCBC. different parts of me is debating whether the departure was strategic. 

1. If i have stayed, i may have been promoted after suffering thru the familiar torture.; or 

2. i needed this feeling of inadequacy to comprehend how inexperienced I am (or the fact that i became inadequate because i left).

I dont know for now but, i do hope that i can be better soon. in a better position, in a more satisfied position.  

till then. 

hello from the future

 Good evening. 

came back after 4 years from my last post. reading and trying to recall my feelings then, it felt surreal. it felt like I had been moving in circles while at the same time moved so far forward.

where do i start? well, the thing that didn changed:

im still lonely, im still bored, im still human, i am still me.

What changed?

i wld like to think tt i am very different now. with luck, i hope i am much more mature now. hahaha. many things had changed and many things havent. For starters, i wreaked havoc in OSPL and i ran away hurriedly. i told myself and others that it is calculated decision but part of me just winged it. i tell myself tt i am satisfied whilst feeling dissatisfied, while at the same time enjoying parts of it, heh but aint that normal? given that we live in a world of imperfection anyway.

wld like to give a context as to why i am posting today: 
1) One of my PMS days where i start to think back bout life
2) Bored
3) Random emotional night

heh. let me address these one by one.

1) i guess i had the luxury to think about life these days, reflecting on what i was, what i am, and what i can be. on the bus ride home today, a sudden thought struck me, "What if?" - what if i had made a different decision back then, how would things be different today. 

First - what if i didn stalked you at polyclinic that day, what if i didnt go into a drunken stupor then, what if i just be honest with my feelings with u then, what if i didn judged u as an insurance agent.

Second - what if i wasnt such a childish, possessive loser. What if i believed that i am as normal as i am instead of being in a self denial that i was special.?

Third - Similar mistakes were made, what if i was more mature, what if i am not so emotional and egoistic, what if. just what if, i was not so obsessive and am strong enough to overcome stress w/o alcohol influence.

Fourth - i hate myself for alcoholism. i wished i could talk with you all night long when i had been sober all year round and wow. i am still so obsessive. i knew the theory but i cant seem to make it work. i hated myself for all my drunken states. i hate myself for not being able to handle the stress without alcohol, nor....being fulfill my fullest potential. 

2) heh. i am. bored. given the xtra time that i never had, i find my self thinking and reflecting more than normal.

3) random thoughts - guess its a derivative from my stupid boring life. i guess when u had nth to do, u start to think back? no thanks to all the 'Multi-versal' shenanigans going on. triggers my brain to think about the "what ifs" if i had acted previously. 

im running out of patience to write man. but, i guess ill come back sooner than later to document my life - seems interesting to document my life heh. 

anw. sorry to my pathetic angry self. guess my rage and anguish is more simmered now than it was explosive then. fight on. i believe in both of u~!

   

like what the hell

here I am. still as bad. while I know that I'm just a tree in a forest, a leave on a tree, an atom in the universe.

I'm so sick of all these but what can I do about it. Ive worked harder, be nicer, worked less, be worse, no one ever gave a shit anw.

what am I gonna get after this, where is the end of all these nonsense.

what I have done to deserve this . cant I jus happiness too?

alliwanischew

Sick of trying

Sometimes I thought tt I am normal, may/ will be happy if I tried harder. But I guess mine is gonna be different. U know, when U are made not being able to fly, u won’t be able to do it even if u jus jump right out a sky scrappers rooftop.

Similarly, I can be nice to everyone, show my care n concern to ppl, no one will care Anw. Im jus biologically programmed to be alone: wher I rly do wonder if I’m strong becuz im alone or I’m alone Bcuz I’m strong.

Regardless; it’s gon be a lonely battle, with victory I lead, with failure I learn :<

The new year

So last new year post’s title is “Accidental desperation“ while I remb the reason all too well.

Anw there’s nth special this year, there is still nth special this year.

Basically kinda wasted my Long weekends being wasted n I feel kinda bad. thus falling inTo a denial of “nah I don’t wanna slp, I rly dread going back to work”

Humanoid

so I'd been busy for so Long and the end is not in sight.

I have got so much hatred in me with no one to share with. Ppl whom I tot are my frens aren’t actually tt trustworthy either.

I have to keep it to myself, I Haf to take it on my own.

I do not blame u or u Nor u. Cuz u are jus a minor gear in this huge ass world. I cannot blame myself as I rly did try to be my best.

The world is as screwed up as it always had been n I tot I at least have to
the power to at least make mine better.


I Guess I am too. An entity so small tt can’t change the state of this disgusting worlds