can i ....?

felt like bloggin and not getting into last min cramping mode yet. so ytd's paper was kinda, better than i expected. didn expect myself to be able to sit for the whole 3hrs tho.

even as i promised myself tt, i will remove all those emotions, i... still lol.. yea but oh wells. poor response and cold rejection i guess.? la. wads new. hahah wasnt expectin much anw.

so here i am, lazing as per normal. constantly with the thought of... if only i had a little more time. but hey, a few days ago i was like "gahh ill do it tml" sighh. tt paradox.. arhh.

so it seems.. as smth drags on for a tat too long, at some point of time, one wld simply wish for the end to come, in contrast to the original mindset of achieving the best results. for this exam and i guess for every other matter as well. so. i.. just wan all these to enddd as welll =|

aint looking forward to the trip. am looking forward to sleep.. sighh k lets go.....

The Longest days.

ive been really. screwed up. sleeping lazing, slacking.
accidentally, i..am thinking of u. i guess its just a temporal phenomenal. im gonna be okay.
mayb i lied when i said i could erase u totally but..... yea its gonna be gone, one day. after all, im jus being retarded as usual

anyways.. must perservere and must study much later!. grr fight on !


andd... now... im mi551n9 you like crazy. =_= i guess its prolly due to erm. the lack of sleep or the boredom, or the lack of fighting spirit. bleh. but my ego and my sanity is keeping all of my useless feelings in check. saw smth intreresting tho, something which had been shared by millions of ppl alrdy but oh well. here goes:

"The Reality of fear

you are not afraid to love
you are jus afraid of not being loved back

you are not afraid to let go.
you are jus afraid to accept the reality that she is gone

you are not afraid to try again
you are jus afraid of getting hurt for the same reason"

well i guess tts kinda like erm true and quite layman but yea im accepting that. feels tt it applies. ill jus add another point to it?

'you are not afraid of trying harder
you are jus afriad to accept the reality that u cant get it no matter what you do.'

arghh.. still.. fighting... still...resisting. =.= i shall get to sleep.

Why you hatin.

day... wadever i lost count. real real real slack =.= but argh lets hope i can do more later.

as the end comes closer, the urge to work hard dies off. drastically. i think i shld be able to.. argh LETS move forward..!

ah wells i realized tt im able to remove my feelings i supposed. not sure of why but i guess it's prolly because I could sense tt there aren't any feelings coming frm u. Hmm guess it cuts both ways. and if u want a game, i will bring it to you.

feelings.

heh so im left with 2 papers. the main ones. and im at day 2, did nth constructive till date.screw tt and my mind was set into a whirlpool a moment ago, in fact hmm on and off since ytd? lol i hate myself. my brain my heart my feelings, its mine, and mine alone. i didn mean to give it to anyone yet, and not to u. uhhh.. with this, i hope it will serve as a reminder, a reminder that my feelings, my humane side caused me to do so badly last year AND this year. PLEASE WAKE UP.. NO i meant, please..cy... pls.. remove all those unnecessary emotions and stay focused, the end is near, and the fruiit is in sight.

wake up. i need you. the evil, heartless me.

time to fight.

uhhhhhhh my catherine is BACK! wooO sweet mother ;)
yea was referring to my computer hahah. always wanted to update but i guess a blog entry w/o emotions wld be kinda lame. SO its been delayed for quite a while.

and i duno why, everytime im sitting in front of the computer, my emotions, my feelings, dissipated almost immediately.

wad to say. i guess i was rather slightly emotional when it was really time for me to haf my "last day" at the cafe wher i had been working at. after all, tt makeshift family which i created at a whim, was kinda interesting to haf. reluctantly i had to leave becuz my studies are really deeply affected. not to mention tt the place had to rely on 2 incompetent fools. well one lacks common sense and is kinda slow when it comes to things but, oh well at least she's hardworking, so pretty much wont complain much. the other=.= yawns. brief description, weak. in every meaning of tt word =)

well well. its kinda sad tt i accidentally left my feelings dere. uh ill be back tho, so no sorrow. all the fun i had, all the things i learnt abt stuff and abt myself. tho it aint realli useful but, ill still keep everything in mind.!


argh so a few days back, i kinda haf this.. random thought? not realli random but jus felt like plucking off the thorn in my chest. so i tot i wanted to ask u "how are u". well well as usual, ure great at pissing me off =D till the point wherby, i realli exploded. haha not like i scolded sm1 or wad. its jus tt my feelings tt ive kept for so long. my thoughts my reasons my..everything for u flew out. Everything.

i..duno if my feelings actually reached u.. but at least, at the very least ive finally threw it out and not jus, keep it inside me. felt kinda mayb good? but still even i can tell every1 tt i dont gif any single fk no more, i lied. if u asked, i wldve ran back to u like a dog.
u wld think tt i went crazy or im jus drunk, but i aint. i...jus became truthful, rather than trying to hide behind tt retarded face and hide away in silence. bleh bleh. now tt its done. i hope my emotions, will not come out again. let them all die off tgt wif my feelings for u. i wish tt i can be heartless..again=.=... till the nxt person who comes along and make my heart beat again. i wish! sincerely hope so.

so there goes this heartless man back to his life. his reality. MY WORLD.

Dreams

I woke up from my sleep. To realise I'm still in my dreams. Soon, this dream will end and ill open my eyes to a helluva fight. A tough fight. the results of the fight.? Things looked bleak but I will not give up. I nv do.

Tears.

Uh. Smth happened at work today, just somebody feeling awful for Duno wad and jus some asshole customer being an asshole. As usual, didn react at the first moment. Sighh. I wonder y I love watching stuff frm the side so much. Okay okay. Ill change ok.
Saw her teary eyes which kinda hurt me a little. Of cuz I pretended not to see it and jus acted as per normal. Heh. Of cuz I noe tt no one wld wanna show their weakness to other people and sometimes, ppl jus need a lil time to calm down and wipe away their tears.

Tears tears. Probably the 3rd time which I felt affected by that liquid. The sorrow tt I cldnt help, the lack of courage to hold u, um not u but the other u in my arms. That pain, u probably didn felt it but, let me tell u, I'm hurt when I see ur tears.

As a retard, of cuz all the feelings of regret, all the memories which I tried to forget. All the. Stuff came back. This song which represented u replaying in my ears at full blast. In ur remembrance. The tears u shed those days, the pain I experienced, the tears which I tried forcing out but didn. all of it. all of my memOries which i tried to forget by drowning myself with work came back today due to smebody else.

Ahh. My tears, those invisible tears which always flows. Those tears which no one else sees, the true face behind my mask of a clown, the true me, if only anyone bothered finding out. The real me behind those retarded jokes. Will anyone ever see tt.?:/

Anw, Please recover frm tt. U will b able to find someone better and u will definitely be able to lead a very happy life.:) and to u, who caused me so much grieve, I wish, unwillingly, wish tt u are happy now as well.

Jus let me bear all the sadness and Wadever nonsense, ill be able to get through it. Ill live on. I promise.

C to the Y

Heh. C to the Y.basically just my initials, a term to symbolize strength and ultima partying spirit. I Duno how it came about but tts the way it is now.

Having a bad time recently as I'm getting tired and sleepy easily, can't concentrate on my studies for nuts. Uhh. Having strange feelings at home when studying till late( the supernatural type) screw tt shit. I'm the owner of this place, if ure there somewher, get lost. I wanna study here. So here I am, laying on my bed not sleeping cuz I don't wanna give up yet, but... Body's not moving. Heh.

Oh well having some strange dreams here and there while having my afternoon nap today. Abt things tt didn really mattered, Abt ppl who weren't particularly impt. Strangely enuf, I couldn't differentiate between wad really happened and wad happened in my dreams. I was confused enuf to go check thru my stuff so as to reconfirm wads reality and wads not.

Haha so tt explains my fb status "reality and dream intertwined"

Lastly, jus a whisper to a couple of ppl.
Do you, happen to think of me every once in a while? Like how I wld happily share things tt happened between us wif other ppl. Wld u, when ure all alone, remb some of my foolish acts and laugh to yourself.? Pls do, if not, I wld feel so...... Unimportant. Unlike the you in my mind.

And hi. I hope u weren't while at the same time u were referring to me. LOL. Hm I look forward to seeing how this episode turns out and yea, see u soon.:)

Err I guess tts all I wanted to say for now, so lets get up and urgh. Urgh urgh.........

..to be continued....

Happiness. And other shit

I'm tired. All that bullshit abt strength and stuff is just a facade for other ppl, so tt no one else will look at me wif pitiful eyes, no one will tell me to stop Wadever I'm doing. Why isn't there anyone who wld come to me and tell me the thing tt I really wanted to hear. Heh. Oh wells I guess I shldn expect too much frm other ppl. After all, they ain't me, and they're all blinded by my strong outer look.

I've always wanted to be, a symbol of strength, a pillar wher everyone else can lean on when they're tired, and continue moving forward after resting. I don't noe if I fufilled the role but, I really wanted tt.

Uhh heard one of my fren in the clique is gonna get attached soon. I'm really happy for him, tho on the outside I kept sayin bad stuff and all, I'm. Really. Happy for u chan:) please be happy.! Of cuz I'm jealous u assbitch.:))

 I'm gonna work hard for the nxt few days as well..! Pls tap on my shoulders or hold my hands and tell me, uve done well, pls continue working hard if not work harder for that ultimate goal. Lets go

confessions.

been a while, been living in a fantasy world whereby i kept working and working and working and working and not realli studying. gah. screwed up but im gonna jus go to the main topic.

i dont suppose i can say it to anyone, and im dying to say it somewher, so, lets jus do it here =)

to (1)

for a moment, i totally forgot about all the pain uve caused me in the past, naively i thought things could be like before. i wonder if its luck or misfortune. the sight of seeing u.....getting on another guy's car and going on a date with him. that feeling, i remembered so vividly when i saw a guy wif u at the polyclinic. tt pain. tt suffocation, i will never forget.
u didn noe the truth. in fact, no one knows the truth. except for me. the feeling of having a glimmer of hope and tt glimmer that got destroyed by the darkness called reality. welll in everyone else's eyes and ur eyes, u just thought tt im lazy and shit. but you're the reason to all these. you're the cause. of everything.
the drinks, the coffee making, the skipping of lessons.

Drinking to forget you, making coffee cause its your favourite drink, skipping of lessons just so tt i wont need to see you. cuz seeing you, makes me do stupid things.

to (2)
i liked you. you brought some sort of solace to the dark moment in my life. i...had fun.. i smiled and i forgot abt the shit tt happened to me. i was never sure of my feelings, i always thought tt the mytery abt ur background is rather, unappealing. well, only until recently i realized, feelings, doesnt require any reasonings.
we werent meant for each other but, i still want to thank you, mayb its bcuz of u, i was able to get out of tt dark shroud tt almost consumed me. thank you very much. i sincerely hope tt u will be able to achieve happiness in these few years and no assholes will hurt u. please. protect urself well.

to (3)
U're special. i see it in u. many guys will start queuing up to win ur heart and i sincerely hope tt wont change wad u are right now, cuz ure rated A++ now =) u make me regret growing up. its sad tt we're from different eras, if i were ur age, i wldve fallen for u too. but i guess, if i was ur age, i wld jus seem like a pitiful worm crawling ard and probably not even comparable to those charming ppl around you. still, plz, stay just the way u are, and plz, judge a guy properly b4 falling for him. it wld really hurt me if some young dogs hurt u, most probably i wont be able to see it tho but, take care plz.

tts almost done. the truths behind all truths, recorded down.its....finally.......done.

the leaving

finally a post about my wonderful friends.

ytd was  the day whereby 2 of my very close frens going hk for exchange. of cuz, i didn wanted to send them off at first cuz i felt tt im jus gonna be left at the side and rot while they entertain the others(ie, family, gf and stuff) .

But it was till a final supper outing whereby im reminded of all the fun and laughter we always haf during every outing which i always took for granted for. the bunch of uninteresting, boring bunch of ppl always doing the same old things but still, full of jokes and happiness everytime we do boring things. well i guess tts wad happens when we haf a bunch of frens who grew old tgt, hang out tgt. i changed my mind. i remb hw close we are and hw much they wld love to see us there.

at the airport, yea i was partially right, of cuz they were sticking to their gfs and family and almost ignored our existence only until like the last 10 min or so, uh i could understand that, after all, this bunch of frens are like hmm family? whereby the members will still wait patiently for u wif a smile even when u are busy outside with other stuff. and welcome you back happily even tho u are only able to stay for 5 mins. duno if i make any sense but yea, tryta get the meaning.

 another thing tt jolted my emotions was tt i heard my fren's parents were able to recognize us or mayb not me but some other frens, BY NAME and frm when. identifying the primary sch frens...and even those who werent ard. OMG. i wonder if my mum cld do the same thing.

uh and this remark which was made by my fren's mum affected me the most , "i watched them grow up as well" (meaning us, those who were there) tho expressionless, but i was moved greatly. even if we were alrdy adults and are doing slogging our guts out in different aspects in life, its really a great deal tt we were still able to be tgt. to all the extra personnel who were there ytd as well, plz noe ur place. its not the really the years tt counts. its the unique experiences tt we had tgt tt was able to bond us tgt so strongly. so even if u were in the same class, u wont understand u bitch =) _|_

cheers to 11 years and counting,

Nothing.

i guess this will be the only few times whereby im not gonna rant and whine abt life and shit.

im fine. not doing well but, clinging on. works been a bitch, studying's been horrible, youve been a bitch too and tts why im able to cut u off frm my life. yea just stay away.

hmm just thinking abt random stuff lately, uhh you noe, studies, worklife, REST and social life. trying to cope wif all of them is really hard. been trying my best to rid of gg out so tt i cld rest and study harder but apparently it aint helping much. yea i'll try my best to cope i hope

these sentences haf been clinging on the my mind recently. quoted frm "naruto"

goes smth like "this world is full of things that dont go as you wish. the longer you live, the more you realize that reality is just made of pain, suffering and emptiness, wherever there is light there are also shadows. as long as the concept of "winners" exists, there will also be "losers". while hatred is born to protect love."

well its kinda sad tt im actually agreeing to smth written in mangas tt were meant for kids. oh well right now, im full of hatred.and yea, it came frm the desire to love, a casual relationship tt cannot be removed. jus quoting yea. and i hope tt my vulgarities tt seems to be coming out will be contained!!

hur hur quite a boring post eh? at least its not a post full of rants so be happy for me thx =)

gonna be long. been a while after all

hi im back. as usual, mainly just whines.

hmm wher shld i start, prolly ill just continue frm where i left off frm the previous post. yes. i stayed at my job. kinda weak and loserish but i swallowed my pride and took the job back. after all, pride is really nth much compared to cold hard cash. so wad if i lose my pride, if i dont haf money, i haf nth.

yup so after i decided to cont working, ive got excess cash to spare, plus my allowance frm my lovely mum. cant put it in words but im really grateful. uhh ya abt the excess cash, they went off to alcohol for my body. indulging myself in it just to forget abt my woes.
yes, tt kind of sick life, vomiting anywher after drinking too much, hooking up wif random ppl etc etc.

meeting new ppl, having more ppl to chat wif on the phone, appearing to haf more ppl caring bout me. all just a futile struggle of the fool. a simple story to describe these whole series of events:

A fool fell down hard and is covered in cuts and bruises. tried to pick himself up after much struggle, walked forward frm the place he fell at, it felt as tho the wounds haf slowly recovered over time, he smiled amd started running then, at the same spot, he fell again, after moving one whole round to end up at the same spot where he fell at. finally he realized tt he'd been moving in circles and the wounds tt he tot were gone are actually still dere, and this time, he's actually hurt even more badly than before.

LOL and yea, at the end of the day, its like a dream. waking up to realise tt im actually still alone on my own bed.

hahah and yup! here i am! troubled again, to stay or to leave. as usual, w/o anyone to pour my hearts out to, w/o anyone who seems to be able to give me any wise advice. still on my own.
to add on to the problems, while i was almost abt to do more idiotic(actually idiotic is is rather mild, i think i need a stronger word for stupid to describe me) stuff, i wonder wad kind of mystical force actually showed me the truth which i always tried not to remember today. Yes. thanks for tt sincerely, before i fall into tt shithole and get hurt again.

i hate you. because i @#$%ed you too much. way too much.

sighh things i always think abt these few days
why must i laugh even when im so badly hurt inside.
why must i make the extra effort to keep other ppl laughing even when im actually crying inside.
why do i haf to keep helping other ppl and keep moving around even when im alrdy exhausted
why do i keep wanting to be wif my frens when they needed some1 when i myself needed some1 to confide to badly.

why do i haf to face the world with a smile everyday even when i haf so much hate in me.

would there be anyone who would be bothered to rip off this mask of a clown and help me wipe my tears? hurr nah its ok. i'll be fine after whining out here. all these problems troubling me now, i'll jus solve em one by one.

ill be fine. ill be fine. im strong anw, in every meaning of tt word.

till we meet again.

Today.!

Annyeong haseyo! Kyo wa Ore no otanjobi desu ne.!!

Haha had been doing a lot of soul searching these few days. Cuz I was really cOnsidering whether I wanna stay for he job or not. Wif no one to confide in wif no one to Advice me, I'm literally on my own. The present I wanted to give myself this year was supposed to be "freedom".
But apparantly, I chose to stay(for awhile) I was nv really able to make a choice. I really wanted to spend more time to study and relax myself and stuff. But my financial accounts were telling me not to. While I'm always very depressed when I haf to go to work since I've lost my "prince" position.:( haha used to call myself prince since my colleagues will really suffer if I chose not to work and since I'm like one of the most experience workers ard, i felt tt I was really indispensable.

Well, things changed, owner changed many things changed. My presnce felt small and insignificant. All them managers wif a few yrs of experience came pressing me due to the fact tt my boss decided to hand over ownership. U noe wad it feels like.? I'm like a loyal warrior serving the same country but to a different ruler. Haha I noe it's kinda funny but ya, warriors from the previous dynasty shld take their retreat eh.? Am I wrong.?

Well things holding me back are generally money. While things pulling me away.? So damn many reasons. Well well after announcing tt I wanna leave suddenly, I spoke to one of e managers and damned, my heart swayed. I chose to stay throughout the week and I foresee tt I'm quite interested to staying longer. Zzzzzzz=.=. Well we'll see how this scenerio turns out.!

ME.

Was feeling really really horrible 2days ago when I knocked off frm work.

Haha was really unhappy abt a lot of stuff recently and the main reason tt ticked me off was bcuz of this colleague of mine, to b exact, superior, whom didn manage to earn my respect kept picking on stuff which I didn do well. URE RIGHT. Totally right. I'm a really lousy employee. I duno why I haf the cheek to talk back and even ignored all tt she said but, I somehow reacted to my instincts. So I jus showed some attitude and went home.

I was really angry abt a lot of things, I wont say tt she is not at fault totally but, I deserve to be shot and I'm really at fault to a greater extend. I didn really noe wad caused me to lose my temper(to b honest, I'm actually quite good at controlling my temper) but, yea I totally lost it recently. I did some reflection on my way home tho. At first I was thinking, "why am I always in this situation. Why do I always haf to work under ppl who don't deserve my respect". Den suddenly,I tried to recall if there is any of my superior in which I really showed respect to. I'm thinking, probably none. Which could seriously mean tt the problem lies wif me. "I am not as good as I thought I am. And I don't show proper respect to any1 and tt is why, I'm always so fed up wif my job" and so it led me to think tt mayb it's the same wif my life. I'm really hating a lot of things in my life, my job, my frens, my family. Like I wld always feel tt they haf some bad points which I really hate. But I'm still living wif it but not feeling really happy wif tt.

Am I expecting too much? Am I worthy enuf to expect so much frm ppl, why am I so unhappy abt my life. Do I really hate these things ard me.? Or do I hate myself tt I trapped myself in these horrible shit. Ya, the more I think abt it, the more horrible I feel, jus den, u msged me. LOL. Like oh wow, needless to say, I felt better after talking to u. Tho I didn wanna let other ppl noe of all the problems I'm facing but, jus talking abt all the unnecessary stuff wif u made me happier. Tho it's like a short and sweet dream, thx anyway.

Ya special thx to AS who talked abit wif me as well. Haha was really at a very low point den but, perhaps I jus wanted to talk to sombdy. Anybdy. Oh wells now, I will try my Best to welcome tml wif a smile. I'll really.. Try. Please lemme b happy.!. 

Moving on

its been um a week? since i last contacted u.yea and u didn bothered keeping in contact wif me as well. im realli surprised tho. how did u managed to live on so well, how did u manage to make me fall so deep for u w/o u feeling anything for me. haha. life sux right?

1 argument could be, ure also waiting for me to take the initiative while the other is tt u jus felt tt "phew wad a relieve, this piece of shit is finally away frm me"
well well its better to be the pessimist now. ill jus um, take the defensive move now alright, to prevent myself from being hurt further.

prolly 1 thing worth mentioning, hmm i duno when it is, one of the days last week i suppose, i was, as usual, drinking the shit out of the beer and stuff, i randomly whatsapp lai**. =) ya a nice girl who realli, kinda saved me. was drowning myself in the sea of anchor and realli drinking the shit outta myself,and somehow, she stopped me. den i realized. the reason i fell for her was bcoz when she talks, she sounds like lai**, who realli managed to make me smile, no matter how screwed up i felt.

hmm sadly lai** didn reply me the nxt day and u didn as well. but, i realli wanna thank u. lai**. u reali saved me tt night. thank you so much. annnnnd ! im gonna go back to my drunk state! byebye! hah

the sequel

uhh. nth special but jus an update about my life. i strongly believed that i shldve updated some weeks or days back but apparently it seems to b abt a month ago.

okay! umm basically i went back to some place to work. uh kinda dumb but tt place was my previous workplace and since they're permanently short handed, i jus went back in. w/o much of a hassle. reason as to why i went back.=.=personally, i realli dont like working there. hwever, i felt tt rather than wasting time at home slacking while i wait for employers to call me, i wld rather start working part time somewhere and earn some $. nt forgetting tt i realli hope tt 1 day, u will drink the coffee tt i made and tell me tt u liked it.=/ DUMB RIGHT? but oh wells. perhaps tts my personality, u cant change it. the naivety.

i saw smth interesting somewher "the hardest choice is to choose between giving up or trying harder". (if im not wrong) yea. applies here. however, "Failing after trying ur best hurts so much more than simply giving up." cuz it totally denies urself, u cant do it even if u gave ur best. rather than having the mentality tt "i cldve done it if i tried harder but i chose to gave up cuz its too much of a hassle". yes, tts escaping from the reality, not facing the challenge but, if there is a very high chance tt u are gonna be hurt more if u try harder, why not jus, u noe.
ya pardon me if u do not understand any single part i wrote above. try reading it a few more times and u might jus understand wad im tryin to imply.=)

yup. now im still at the decision phase but my body aint realli listening to my mind. it is still trying so hard to do all those nonsense that might jus yield absolutely NO RETURNS. well well, lets see how it turns out den, mind vs body. will update again soon!

p.s. each time after meeting u, i feel little further from u, but i feel more attracted to u by the second.=/

(if u noe wad i mean)

i have returned.

so i had my last paper today. things didn go smoothly but i did wad i could and.. we'll leave the rest to fate. but wad ive been dying to say aint anything tt gotta do wif exams( at least not directly)

Have u ever thought of how things would haf been if some1 didn jus appear into ur life suddenly? i did. she jus suddenly came into my life. at first, i wasnt realli interested but , unknowingly, something attracted me more and more AND MUCH MUCH MORE. It is something on the inside. the character, the personality, the real thing tt made me lose all my resolve, my pride, my sanity perhaps.

Jus a lil gesture frm you tt may seem like nth, but it really shook the deepest part of my dead heart. i nv believed tt it wld be able to accept any1 else yet, u went in, and took a very impt place in this heart which managed to be resusitated.
the time spent wif you was realli like a dream. a really sweet 1. if im not wrong, i dont think any1 haf ventured so deep into me. ure adventurous, uve realli explored an uncharted horizon. i totally fell, for u. TOTALLY, so much so tt i didn mind putting down my pride jus to please u, to prevent u frm ignorin me. many things which used to b so impt to mi, totally dont anymore.
im sure tt things will really b different if u didn appear. i would haf stepped into WCC. i wldn ever get a SB card. i wld nv b so eager to go back and make coffee(wif hope tt u will drink it) i would haf been able to do much much much better( if my assumptions were correct) in my exams. tho i haf got so many complains, but still, i felt tt it shld be worth it.

HOWEVER, things always dont haf good endings, at least not for mi, my stories always ends as a joke, a comedy, a failure. tho im not sure abt many things, but i do trust my senses this time(tho i srsly pray tt im wrong) i feel tt, there is some1 else in ur heart.
this realli feels heartwrenching. which is also smth tt realli bothered mi for SO FREAKING LONG. who is tt guy. wad a lucky asshole disgusting piece of shit. ZZzz.

arghhh today marks the end of the dream tho, the one whereby i haf all the legitimate reasons to meet u. nw i dont haf it anymore and i think u wont take the initiative, much as i dont haf to courage to face it. WELL! I HOPe tt we will realli haf a chance to get much closer and i realli wanna be urs. ok sry, i wan u to be MINE. BUT..=.= oh wells we shall see then

Ivy Landy Yvonne.

good evening

good evening ppl. im a week away from my nxt 2 consecutive papers but im troubled by... yea =) troubled cuz of all the uncertainties abt u. troubled abt my exams, troubled and w/o my frens with me.

i cant bring myself to face the fact, i cant bring myself to say it out to my frens as well, since it makes me looks weak. i always tot tt i shld be strong enuf now. but perhaps, ppl jus dont change whenever it comes to this. i felt as tho im back into tt loop. tho i shld be used to the loniness by now, however tt glimmer of hope which is shone on me due to ur kindness made my heart started moving again. *im a little exaggerating here but ohh wells. not realli for ppl who noes me to see this so haha-

argh damn. i lost my feelings cuz of some distractions. ohh well ill jus end ard here. conclusion, im realli uncertain abt our future, i duno how u feel abt mi, but i suppose if i successfully transmitted my feelings into ur heart ( i would say brain wld be technically more correct but haha oh wells=) ) i would haf no regrets, and if u were not able to reciprocrate my feelings for u, its ok, i will jus live wif that pain on my own. i shld be fine... i.. shld be able to.. take it. :')

Reason

Brief update on life so far. Haha. For some reason, I feel breathless, powerless and tired. No worries tho, jus tryin to get a breather thru this way. Somehw it feels kinda difficult to breath. Jus feel like lying down and not doing anything, too tired to try, to fight, to endure.

Lalala! Not really serious!! Haha was at work. And am bored to tears and thus thinking of things to do. Zzz hmm am kinda lagging behind academically and ya i kept escaping away from reality wif all sorts of excuses. Damned. Wonder how I will do this year but. I'm so gonna pick myself up! Soon.

nth impt

nth realli impt. jus a random idea struck mi and i thought its quite meaningful(to mi at least) , so i guess i shld write down smwher.

mayb in a parallel universe, i was braver had already acquired happiness. mayb things were different over there and the 2 of us are happily together. Not jus u living in happiness but not mi.

haha. cant realli recall the exact idea when i started typing it down and apparantly its nt good at all. oh well, will try to recall or think of a better 1 in due time. tata

Slack on

Hihi. Well, life's nt great. Hmmm, nth much has changed for the better but, less the facttt Habiibul too slack with my studies, all is well.

Having this strange insomnia since whoever noes when, nth to do and laid down on my bed trying hard to slp but cldnt. Screw this seriously. Hahahaa damn it, had some wonderful wise quotes in my mind earlier but I kinda forgotten all abt them alrdy... Lemme recall.. Ahh!!

Ok not having wise quotes actually, jus remb smth to bitch abt... Hmmm yea, been wondering abt smth vexing, m I too full of myself or m I having the correct thoughts. Y is it tt I'm always always working for ppl whom I deemed as a less capable human? Or rather, y m I always taking instructions from ppl who are less capable than me, y is my world always like this?!

Thinking back... Since army times, I take instructions from Olvl grad, unrecognized diploma holder, a strange m**, and blabla. All of which I deemed as inferior to mi. I grind my teeth in vexation. Cursing and swearing into my pillows in frustration. I was always unhappy wif things, always wanting to prove myself to b superior. But, I didn think tt I succeeded at all.... I left wif unhappiness but oh well.

Moving forward, I worked under a bunch of unsophisticated aunties afterwards, who cared nth much more than gossiping , backstabing every1 and enduring till 530pm everyday. I didn feel anything then but I certainly wasn't feeling VERy happy.

Nxt I worked undera few **enahs. Whom I totally didn give a damn abt, nxt, I worked under a *****pino stucked in a storeroom. Then, a group of strange, uneducated uncles who thought tt they are the heartbeat of a great organization( nt forgetting to add on, having ultimately poor sense of judgement and organization but excellent in covering backsides, not)

Lastly, I'm working under some strange dude hu can't speak eng fluently, talks to himself almost for the whole day, gets flustered easily and to top it off, loves criticizing other ppl and perpetually failing to look at his own capabilities. Also, a ********pino who is easily daunted, can't speak properly, loves pushing the blame to others.

Phew quite a long list over there. Looking thru, there are only 3 possibilities,

(1) I'm severely overestimating myself, they Are more than qualified to order me ard

(2) this is the only kind of job tt will employ this kind of lousy job applicant(me)

(3) I've been really unlucky to be unable to find a good job with good superiors who deserve my respect

Well well, I'm sure I will be able to answer tt in due time. Till then, I will cling on to life.!!!

C

Ahh much whining donee. Gonna try gg back to slp bb!!

up to the date.

ahh. been a short while and am updating cuz i cant slp.

hmm where was i? ok my contract wif the resort worlds sentosa ended w/o much of a high note and i definitely didn leave wif a smile. but nonetheless, looking back, jus a job =)

kk so i got back my results and done my course registration and stuff, am looking forward to the new start of the school term! not.

haha just kidding myself, i hate studying seriously. i love doing nth, but i always regret after tt=/ ohh well contradictary, tts humane nth more nth less.

a short update on today, watched the dumb movie called Lao niu chi nen cao, as mentioned earlier, its a dumb movie wif a dumb main lead but was kinda saved by the female lead. hahah the story plot is very dumb as well. BUT i wonder why, i kinda, got dragged into the movie as in, i felt as tho i took a tour in tt created virtual world and i left reality for an hour or so.

been a while since i had this feeling but i haf to say it doesnt feel good cuz i noe im in another world, this world, which i kinda hate. but its a lil refreshing if i really gotta put it in words.
well well, strange phenomenal ( yea i looked up the dictionary to spell this word)
hmm not much of inspiration to write today so...tts it for now. laters.=)



random sad notes: with the mood to chat and talk abt my life, without the partner to do so=) jus great. hahaa

screw me.

i realli hate myself.





if my son is like me. i wld definitely feel like giving him 1 punch in his face to make him wake up his idea. got my results ytd. its kinda like way better than my expectations. i was shocked, i didn noe how to react. i wanted to share my joy but i am too afraid of wad others might think. I am happy and yet sad. contented yet disappointed.


all these humane emotions, i wish i didn haf em. kk back to the part wher i realli hate myself.


(1) im bloody rude sometimes. im totally not fit to be impolite to anybody cuz im jus a nobody. (rhymes huh. =D)

(2) i hate hearing negative comments. which is vital for improvement.( somewhat bloody annoying)

(3) im sometimes so full of myself, when im such an imperfect creation.

(4) i get nervous and stressed up quite easily and i hate to admit it. wad a loser. GOsh roll eyes left rite up down.

(5) i jus suck la. srsly. jus F off and rot 1 corner can.?


kkkk so update on recent stuff. i always let things go at crucial moments and regretting it later, den wad. wad can i do? y is this brainless dog like this!?


it kinda revolves ard the same topic but i guess i shall elaborate on my emotions. jus for the record.

->i was afraid wad ppl might think.
~i did great for some of my subjects and i was proud of it. im concerned abt some of my frens but i am afraid tt they thought im a bzbody and is trying to compare results for no &$@* reason. Thus i jus kept to myself. much as i wanted some to praise me, i had to keep it in, with the person's feelings in mind.

->I am happy and yet sad
~i am happy tt i passed, very happy. but very sad to realize tt, there is nth waiting for me. there is nth to claim even after clearing this great hurdle. wad awaits me, i dont see it.

-> im contented, yet disappointed.
~im contented wif the passes i get, but disappointed to the maximum level tt no1. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE praised me for it. i guess they jus thought tt im a show off but, i dun think i am, OK?! at the end of the day. i jus need some1. just any1 to pat me on the back at least to tell me" you did great." tt wld haf sufficed.

would i trade failing and having loads of ppl to console me or passing wif no1 giving a damn abt my score? im seriously thinking of which 1 to choose. damn


arhh ok ok will stop whining for now. cya

so far so not good.=)

heehee life's been nt very nice but am still clinging on to it desperately. lets see wad will happen next... hmm few wise words for the day, i aint sure if any1 else said it b4, but i swear tt is wad came to my mind today

(1) if you dont hear ur colleagues telling you ur bad points, tt means they are talking abt it behind ur back.

(2) Having common sense, does not mean tt u are intelligent, u are jus lucky tt wad u jus did was correct. u might not be able to solve the nxt problem. (kinda abstract but try to understand wad im trying to imply)

(3) Every1 is clumsy and not talented at some areas, its definitely ok.

(4) If u are thinking y cant ppl be more like u, get it right, its just becuz u are the best creation from god.

(5) u feel tt im either deaf or having a poor command of english, while i feel tt u haf poor articulation and u speak too softly. So who is right?

lalala kinda nt very happy wif some stuff but aint got no mood to write them down here. i shall try my best to write abt some happy stuff by the nxt entry =)

go go fighting!

bad day.

why do bad things always happen back to back. i just had some problems ytd and the day b4 ytd. and today smth bad of mayb a greater magnitude happened today. for now i can only pray tt there will nt be any repercussions from these incidents which happened recently.

hurhur. im in a very bad mood today so i thought tt i wanted to blog abt smth but apparantly im kinda speechless now =/ so, time for some songs alrite? =)

its been a long while since i came ard,
its been a while since im back in town,
this time im not leaving without you..

bye.

its been a long while.

hello! its been a long while since i came ard. im feeling quite down today but i guess i shld still write in a happy tune cuz i dun think i shld be so gloomy everytime i blog.





ok i read my previous entry titled the moving life. i guess after tt entry, my life seems to moved on. went to work @ 2 places and its kinda like draining my life force away. luckily im made of better materials as compared to normal humans but, i've been thinking 'did i bit a chunk too big for myself?'





i guess i overestimated myself a lil too much, i tot i cld handle both sides well but apparantly, im doing very poorly on 1 side. so bad tt i feel so ashamed of myself, so bad tt i gathered a bunch of ppl to bitch abt mi. i unds tt bitching is human nature, but, i jus hate it when im the topic for it. well well. things will get better. plz work hard chaoyi, destroy those assholes ok? its ok, u are jus being lousy at smth which is nt ur speciality, plz work harder! ignore those negative voices and keep pushing forward. i noe u do nt haf the extreme intelligence but u haf the guts, the guts nv to give up, and tt will be ur edge to slay anything tt comes into ur way ok? GO GO FIGHTING!





okok putting tt aside,


i guess this might be fate or wadever, i met my SP @ rws while working. my god, i realli wish to noe her better but, grrr im too shy and stuff. but lets hope i will haf more chances to meet her and lets hope i can advance and yea! ( highly impossible)


but yea





its been 2 years since i let u go, this time im nt leaving without u.

ikimasho. Gambatte ne chaoyi san.

the moving life.

i understand the "moving life" sounds abstract but im jus using it as an antonym to my life which came to a standstill a month ago.

was hoping to find a job ASAP! wif the BEST SALARY but apparantly, u noe, diff ppl will haf diff life. was waiting waiting waiting for the calls to come but they never did. ohhh so somehow i did nth for a month and kinda like lived everyday for the sake of living.=.=

well well i guess i had enuf of this life, i decided to start my engines somehow. some kinda of bad quality job i suppose, found its way to me, being desperate, i simply accepted it. gahh. i aint sure im gonna regret it in future, but, the me now simply want to stop slackingg.
haha kinda happy tt my life is finally gonna changee.

2mths it shall be. i will be happy. yes i will.

random notes:
I had wished that u will treat her well and make her happy, i wun let u off easily if u make her cry. but now, i wish that u will break her heart and make her cry and leave her with a broken heart, for i noe that our eternal happiness does not include you.

jaja this came to my mind just as i woke up. haha so i decided to write it down somewher.
sore dewa, mata ne!

soul search.

yes. ive been wasting these few days not doing anything.
here i am, subconsciously, despite having a weary body, im not sleepy. hmm perhaps my subconsicious is stubbornly refusing to end my day jus liike that.
i was racking my brain for something to help mi kill time and then an idea struck me, yea i noe its no longer original but i went back to read my old CLASS BLOG.

for starters, the blog was meant for the class to share information and probably act as a space for every member in the class to probably also express how they feel abt any issues happening ard them. and yes, i created the blog for my class in jc... abt 5 yrs back? YEA...OMG ITS BEEN 5 YEARS.?!
oh wellls. i read thru the blog entries written by me and my classmates. ahhh brings back memoriess. once again, it kinda feels like ive transcended time and remembered all those minute details which would haf been forgotten. bahh as i read thru the posts, other than remembering the events which happened, i discovered smth interesting. smth which i hadnt noticed. i think i've really changed.

i remb why, i had more frens then than now. why, i felt tt i was very likeable. why, i hate myself so much now.

gahh. i guess i was a realli humourous funny and cute person then, wif a thinge of lively cheerful and amiable. haha i guess i exagerrated but, a little of all the above wouldnt be too generous alrite. wad happened to me, why is there a dark cloud hovering above my head and following wherever i go? why did u keep ur mouth shut and ur smile to urself.?! wad happened to all the humour which u were born wif and were once so proud of?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO U?! CHAOYI!

i couldnt answer myself. i didn noe wad caused the change. perhaps, all the things which happened? perhaps its jus part and parcel of growing up? i duno. i do not think i can find out. but yes this soul search. made me feel tt i acheived alittle smth today at least.
i looked thru my soul. i saw the person who had the same body as mi 5 yrs ago. i think i learnt a little today.

i will strive for the better. i can. i will =)



hahaha side note, this place is for me to write all my emo stuff. when im happy, i wun write it here, i wld tell every1 ard mi wif my mouth. spreading the joy i suppose? yea the place wher i pour my sorrows, where no1 other than me noes, here =) yea so if any1 is wondering why this person is forever emo nemo, tts the reason, cuz u are reading my blog, my personal archive of emotions.

another.

yet another day totally wasted. hmm tt jus proves how incompetent i am as a human, screwing up 1 interview and rejecting the other. just wad am i. wad do i think of myself. grrr am hating myself more and more. cuz i often regret wad i did like 10seconds later. but oh well tts me.

haha so an update of my life, basically sitting down there watchin some random videos which are totally not constructive at all. i noe im simply wasting my life but, i jus cant make myself do anything else. uh uh guess tts kinda bad... OKOK i will get my ass moving alright. i will do smth diff tml! i promise. haha

oh had a strange dream during my afternoon nap, i actually dreamt tt i was back in a BAND! hahaha i wonder wad i was in my dream, an alumni or member. haha but oh well interesting thing is i had a thought during the dream, i only remember that thought very clearly but nt the other details of the dream. i was thinking

"hey cy this is a dream u noe."
"yes i noe, but still, let me play tt intrument, let me perform b4 waking up ok."

oh my, i cant remb whether i actually performed, but i woke up soon after, with a smile on my face.

hahaha i guess tt is jus my brain trying to remb the times when i had fun and am actually enjoying myself. to escape this boring life for a while, a short break i would call it.=)

haha okok i guess tts it for nw. be back soon!

another day flew past

hmm.. rotting my flesh away.

its been. erm almost 2 weeks? and im still doing nth. outings? nope. didn meet up wif many ppl. (dun haf many ppl to meet anw.) job? nope. no employers called me at all. wonder wads wrong wif them but.. ohhh welll. screw this.

grahh no inspiration to write much at this moment. so... erm tts it for nw=)

the end of things.

yay.? somehow my exams ended and im now back into this process of searching for jobs + waiting for employers' call + waiting for frens to ask me out + rotting my ass at home. ahh.. quite a bad feeling. its gd to be able to rot at home but, well the thought of having to search for job is reallllllllll shity=.= facing those ppl checking the hell outta u and putting on this fake smile plus the fake professionalism. =/ one word -> troublesome

if only.. if only. haha i wouldnt mind slackin chillin the shit outta my life for now but. yup. tts life time to put on my smile and professionalism and get out of my hse searching for the $$$$$.

hope i wun take too long to find a job this time! gg. wish mi luck alrite. to erm, whoever haha lOl!

lalala

lalala in the rain. haha went cycling to pass smth to my fren, and it rained on my way back =.=. prolly coz of the pebble tossed into the pond a few days back, unconsciously, i went back to the place i liked so much haha. cuz tts the only memory i had wif =/. oh wells lalala in the rain feels good. its so much better than missing =/. gahhh went back home drenched. zz luckily i didn fall sick frm tt so, its cool. ermm. other than tt, life's been monotonous. and haf i mentioned abt it? passed pBF.. yay! barely, but im happy jus to be able to pass.! awww gotta study hard man chaoyi, if nt ur life's not gonna get pass 2011. hai. wadever ok? do work hard now! there are many things waiting for u after ur exams~! go go, fight! alright alright byebye.! for now. yea the rain, i still like it so much. haha

tuesday. with a twist.

hahaha! im back, wif a hmm... wad to say, nt realli good mood~ well well lifes been a bitch but im still hangin on since nth REAL bad happened haha. mm yea officially confined myself for the month till exams are over. hope it helps! good news! i got 70 points for my bloody stats 1 prelims. YAY! higher (much) than my expectations. but i somehow feel tt its untrue cuz i certainly dun deserve it=/ the marker was too lenient or rather, probably semi- blind? haha well but the bad news is tt i got 12 marks for my stats 2.=/ pretty or rather mUCH LOWER THAN EXPECTED? oh well didn feel much but lalala. ehh and as for the main reason that im back here is.. cuz of a stone was cast into a peaceful pond water this morning. hahaha if u noe wad it means. yea i checked my hp when i woke up, "1msg recieved" haha wth. lol wasnt expecting much and as i realized who the sender is, i was SHOCKED!! plus surprised plus wadever, haha i was thinking "wad the hell. holy mama."=.= gg haha well its her. even tho i intentionally didn tell her the fact tt i changed my hp no. but oh well. she found my no. nonetheless. hmm its been 2 yrs i guess? yup, the dumb and stupid mi kept telling myself to dun imagine things, but OH WELL, im still me, imagining all the impossible scenerios. LOL well well at least im really happy for a few hours. but it all ended in total disappointment. hahaha details? jus asking smth which is totally redundant.=/ the last msg frm me was "...see u if i see u=/" and the msg from u was "i dont think i will ever see u but, see you." hahahahaha kinda sad but kinda, well i cant find the word yet, i will write it down if i ever realize how exactly im feeling. lala.

eventful april fool

yo. actually nth much happened but jus felt like updating more frequently haha.

gonna update bout ytd and today.

31/3



hmm for some reason i somehow found myself back at PJC... again=.=!! for a diff purpose this time; to study. haha well well long story abt how i ended up inside again but well well, quite a bad trip back as the feeling is diff this time ard, and gah.=.= nth exciting happened.
felt like an alien invading the earth, i definitely dont belong there anymore, not matter how my mouth likes to brag abt my eternal youth nonsense, age alrdy caught up to me, im old.

1/4



haha suppose to meet wif fren for study session, but he suddenly told me tt he met an accident=.= tot it was an april fool's joke but omg its real after all. GG! but luckily he is fine. =x eh srsly nth much to say now. no mood. no feeling. hahahahaha blah blah cya again soon ba.

Yesterday =)

yay im back. haha rather early eh? hahah oh well a good place to practice writing in english(a little) and well, to jot down parts and parcel of my life in case i forget it in future. so, why not?! haha went for a great dinner cuz it my bro's treat =) due to the fact tt he received wadever bonus and wow! uh love the dinner and i feel tt he is great. err frm the bottom of my heart cuz, if i get a bonus, i dun think i will buy dinner for the family, i will perhaps get a few more shirts or shoes or go club and prolly gif a lil $$ to my mum or wad. haha oh well thanks loads for the meal! Go-chiso-osama deshita!

ya wadever, im trying to learn jap so pardon mi if u see some weird words here and there. hahahahaha ok so after the sumptuous meal, went home to bathe and change and off i went to meet up wif the usual gang. haha as always, so mighty happy when im wif them! haha and i dun care if we were to go our seperate ways in future, im jus happy that we were so close once. haha well well cherish the present yea? who noes wad will happen in future. dun take it for granted tt they will always be there wif u. haha quoted frm some drama=x ahh went to some prata shop to eat and as usual talk cock and waste time. got a couple of cans of beer to chill at west coast park after tt, well, i cant remember the gist of the topics we talk abt but, we had fun and laughter throughout so i dun think it matters ya? haha quite a fun day and i almost forgot tt i haf a major exam in a month time! LOL ya la ya la ok ok im gg back to study ok? byE!

im happy.

yes. im back to this wall talking to myself again. hahaha i will take it as a place for me to rant wadever and however i wanted to! well cuz i dun suppose any1 can handle all of my thoughts and strange way of thinking. thus, yea, im only showing this side of mi to you. i mean me. haha wel well guess wad, even i dun understand myself very well, i thought tt im some1 wif mild temper, but recently i realized tt tts nt the case cuz i kinda get irritated rather easily by recalling all the incidents which happened previously. there are so much more to myself which i dont understand.

So, perhaps, by keeping some evidence of my true feelings here, one day, when i come back to piece all of them together, i will noe myself better. and perhaps, if i ever find some1 who wish to noe more about me, and i feel comfortable about showing her the whole of me, i will gif her the key to this pandora's box , this time capsule, this archive of myself.( or wadever name u call it) =) hope tt day will come soon! hahaha

oh i was trying to archive this blog in my own PC since im nt sure when this website might become.. u noe, unpopular and gets shut down. hahaha thus having a backup shld be good! =0 eh chaoyi, the archive is in "C:\CY folder\phone\pic\sec sch Pictures\me\blog" in case u forget where u put it HAHA!

kk update on my life now. hmm 1 word =) uncertainty. yea. the main exams coming in 1 month's time, but im still nt in the mood to study. why? i wish i noe the real answer. but right now, my speculations are "lack of drive" mm. nth much distracting me now except for myself. prolly tts also the reason why im distracted. haha if u get wad i mean. distracted cuz there is nth to distract me. HAHA. yea boring life. which means that i haf no goal in mind and it means tt dere is nth to push mi forward!.. gRRRrr but i cannot fail. its not a shldnt fail, or must not fail. its CANNOT FAIL. cuz if i fail, i think my story wld end haha.

frens ard mi found their 1st love. =) happy for them, sad for myself haha i cant imagine wad its like to haf some1 who loves mi as much as i love her. grr jus tt no 1 is appearing in my life right now. wad a sad truth. ZZzz. im getting kind of impatient now.. srsly. my first love. whoever whereever u are. can u come to me like noW?! okok, it wld be kinda strange if u realli come to me now.. but ya come to me soon ok? ya i swear i will love u more than u love me. hahahahah! i will pour my 22years of collected love into U! BEWARE NOW!!! hahahaha wadever sounds despo. but well well jus trying to put a few drops of humour into this dumb and lame blog post. =x yea yea tts it for today!

haha.

okay. been down for a while and now im back up. haha who says guys wont feel emotional from time to time. the main thing is to be able to climb back up rite away. those who are able to say things like "Nth can bring me down! nth can make me sad. nth will make me cry" are jus blinded by their lame ass male ego and trying to brag the shit out of themselves to make them feel superior. well well. if u are realli like how u described urself as, u are either a moron or some1 who jus havent tasted failure.

uh ok so had fun these few days and i seem to be lazy to jot down memories anywher. errr kinda dumb as i drank quite a lil bit and got a bit tipsy ON MY OWN.=.= lol drinking by myself is kinda lame but oh well. tts my chu xi nite. and the whole of chu 1 im simply sleeping away cuz im kinda having a rather bad hangover=.= lol

okok so went jw hse to play. haha won a lil $$ and got my mood high uP! hahaa uh somehow celebrated Thyechuan's bday by buying a small cake and getting a real lousy gift. feels real guilty as i didn realli did my best. can see frm his face he aint real happy and im real sure tt if tts wad my frens gif me, i will kill them. haha. damned. i hope i dont get this kinda treatment this yr ok? will be damn sad. haha

as for today, went to study but i totally cant get the mood.=.= probably bcoz im studying pBF=.= screwed up subject. wadever man. haha kinda wasted the whole of today but. yes. plz go and study later ok? lol waiting for the stupid video to convert finish.. ZZZ kkkkkkkkkkkkkk i go do smth else first den.

Fallen.

hmmm. its jan 26, 2011, 6:40 am now. okay a rather saddening moment for me. argh the story goes like this. =)

err, kinda kena "nominated" ( a better word would be sabo-ed) to be the nxt organizer of the OG outing. its nt the first time im organizing an outing and if it is wif my og, i guess it wld be ez, as in easier? cuz guys are rather reluctant to do some activities w/o girls. yup, so i went ahead and created the event page on Fb~! haha after a few days, onli 3 ppl responded? so i sent a msg to the rest and reminded them to respond. LOL. then to my SURPRISE, ( unpleasant) ok will move straight to the final statistics, 9 not attending, 4 awaiting, 2 mayb 6 attending. LIKE. YEA. u noe the 3 words to use, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ !?! gG! lol i didn noe my popularity was, THIS LOW U NOE? lol. den i start to think back, err i think i can recall a couple of ppl who avoids mi ( if im nt wrong) and plus this, omg?! LOl the lovable and popular CY fell! AM I LIKE HATED NOW?! hahahaha gosh, so i start to think back....dun remb doing much evil stuff.. a lil here and there but arghhh.. oh well. this sux. and i hope im wrong this time around. haiz............

haha i admit, the event was rather sloppily planned and ive alrdy made adjustments! so ok. hope things get better. arghh. damn this shit~! jus when i thought my life is gonna get better cuz i won $$ at Mahjong. lOL

uh and i used to be hearing so much of i haf good popularity and im popular among my frens, and now, somehow, some1 commented that im not popular at all, instead, my popularity is, POOR!?
( REN YUAN BU HAO?!) GG SIA!

HEY CHAOYI OF THE FUTURE, TELL ME IM WRONG WHEN U READ THIS NXT TIME OK? PLEASE?! AND REMB TO POINT TT GUY A MIDDLE FINGER IF U REALISE TT HE IS TALKING BULLSHIT OK?!

tts abt all nth much happenings bye.

yo wassup.

Hi. im back. with a lighter spirit this time around.
haha was in a nt so good mood these few days cuz of the lack of vitamin frens. well well, guess they are all bz i suppose. looking at all of their fb updates, kinda jealous tt they are having a whale of a time while im still trapped in this boring and monotonous black and white world of my own. welll well, things will get better i suppose. soon? No matter. jus one of the blue moon nights when i cant sleep and got loads of things running through my mind. No matter, i suppose all of them got straightened out after all. haha kinda love my optimism now lol

well wads happened these few days, uh stayed home and tried to study but i didn realli manage to put much things into my mind. Zzzz wads more, cant slp for no bloody reason. strangely, wanted to update many things previously but now i 4got wad i wanted to type so, hmm ill jus randomly crap my way thru den. living kind of like a secluded life where im jus with me, myself and chaoyi. lOL i hope i will nt become mentally unstable after some time.. =/ argh. wadever, if i happen to become mentally unstable, this sentence is for me to wake up my bloody idea and snap back to normal "CHAOYI WAKE THE SHIT UP MAN! U ARE NT ALONE! GO BLOODY FIND UR FREN TO CHAT AND STAY NORMAL CAN?!"

=.= siann crapping my way through. OH I rembed wad i wanna say, k so its like a couple of my frens are moving on with their lives quite well and i think they are kinda like getting their love life balanced out soon. hmm makes me wonder, wad the hell was i doing? wads my bloody problem.?! in fact, i thought they had problems.. but i guess it turned out tt im most likely be the only 1 with a hell lot of problems, cuz yea, im far frm a r/s. ZZZ gg sia. i hope my frens wun think tt im abnormal=.=
yes. i noe its strange, but i can jus say, im unlucky! i havent been able to meet any1 i like or any1 who showed any slight possibility of liking me ok?! ZZzz im jus nt good enuf yet.! umm so yes, i will try my ultima best to buck up. be more frenly! be more approachable=.= ok yes yes. i will drop tt "im gd looking/ cute or wadever bhb joke" guess its jus nt suitable for me=/ and i will cont to act like a clown ok? prolly things might work out better that way.

a clown will stay as a clown, no matter how he tries to dress up or act gentlemanly, he will nv bcome a prince charming. he will jus look more like a failed clown.
-chaoyi

haha wise words to serve as a reminder to myself=.= haiz.. ok! a new start! a positive mindset to go! tts it for now~

hahaha emo emo.

yea chaoyi. im talking to u onli when im feeling unhappy. when i am happy, i wldn be writing to u. haha!

hmm where do i start, okok. i shall talk abt the time capsule which i took a few days back. due to unexpected circumstances, i somehow decided to go back to the cold storage ffdc for a little walk due to my dear ex-colleague( cuz he suddenly felt like gg back). i tot to myself, "hmm nt a bad idea, nth to do anyway" even tho i felt quite ridiculous as ive only worked there for like, 3 mths? and the bonds i had dere aint realli deep. oh well, might as well. haha
YUP. so i went back dere, seeing how some things changed and somethings that nv changed.its jus like so recent when i was still working there. the trip back was the key to a locked chamber of memories which i misplaced. memories jus keep flashing back and i remembered so many things which happened previously. ahh fond memories, events which were filled with joy and laughter. much hardwork and boredom. my brain is starting to fail me after all, even with all the talk abt immortality. LOL! yea i guess as more memories start filling up my mind, older, non-impt info jus get deleted or chucked away in dark corners and locked up. haf to admit, im realli getting old.

cant realli bear to leave after stepping in there, unexpectedly. hanged ard till they started chasing me away. gosh. wad happened to me. tts so not me! oh well, kinda happy tt my soul actually travelled thru time to a 10over mths back and yea! nt tt bad of experience=)

uhh den i went back to PIONEER JUNIOR COLLEGE on friday. wad the hell rite? yea. u were this crazy. argh another place full of fond memories, full of things which i like. ULTIMATE JOY, LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS. rejection and disappointment... to a small extent. arhh how long has it been...3 full years. w/o any expectation of any1 remembering me, i went back, with the sole intent of feeding my soul wif fond memories wif my ex-classmates. those were the days, which i claimed to be my happiest days, the point of my life wher i grew up alot. the days, wher i met impt frens. gah! the tot of it jus spurns my hot blood.
ah as i was saying, visited.. nono disturbed some juniors in their normal routine life. haha kinda strange to see some1 who graduated for more than 3 yrs still coming back. i placed myself in their shoes as well. i wldn welcome them. AT ALL. haha some teachers who taught me still remb me. surprised and glad! tts when my teacher told me abt a couple of my pranks and retarded stuff i did when i was younger, haha! i dont remb doing them but, u wldn noe how it feels to hear abt how other ppl talk abt urself as tho she is nt talking abt u. cuz u dun remb doing them after all ( if u get wad i mean chaoyi.) well well love pjc to the ultima max.srsly.

probably becuz im lonely and very empty at this point of time. tts y im starting to find back the memories of myself when i wasnt this lonely, this empty. trying to feel up the void inside u see. argh! dont think u got it but. ohwell. jus remb this, chaoyi, u are bloody lonely and empty at this point of time! wondering which point? sep2010 - jan2011. and its still going on. haha hope u are much better at the time u are reading this. emptiness and loneliness, quoted frm a strange person who somehow put feelings into these 2 words. ya. chaoyi, u were a loser. i am a loser. BUT I WILL WIN. SOON.
okok tts abt all for now. craves for love to come soon. love. love love. i wish i noe wad it is. =/ used to believe tt i am nt ignorant when it comes to love. well well i guess i really am ignorant.GRRR. NO MATTER, keep fighting! dont gif up! the moment u gif up on urself, the whole world gives up on you! FIGHTER GO!

MORe updatess~

ok...update again.. errm unemployed AGAIN. i tot by starting to look for jobs b4 i get unemployed will shorten my unemployment period but. obviously tts not the case\= oh well can onli pray tt my employer will call me soon.

take note.. its 1st june. my unluckiness is still clinging on. make sure tt u ( chaoyi) remb to update when u feel tt ur luck changed =)
- lost $30 in mj (zz u may think its cuz of my poor skills. but i still seriously feel tt its unluckiness.. SERIOUSLY. each time i see the 13tiles i get, i noe my good fren [god of suay] is wif me. not 4geting the tiles i get each turn.. owns as well)
- every1 else got a stable if not at least a job they like while i got a job tt is onli 1mth contract.. (after one and a 1/2 mths of search, and now im unemployed for 2 weeks.. again.)

hmm however, we shld be able to count our blessings in order to be happy,
im slacking so much at home and wasting my life away! its a blessing! <- as in seriously.

oh btw this period is also a pang seh period, why? cuz alot of ppl last min ps me..(its ok...serious) or, every1 is jus rejecting my attempts to meet up.(its screwed up... but i can endure..) WORST THING IS, THEY DAO ME!. nv reply at all! WAD AN ASSHOLE. i seriously hope, bad karma will find them. sERIOUSLY. yes, I AM CURSING THEM. CURSE CURSE CURSE. NXT TIME U SMS UR FREN, THEY WUN REPLY U.! bad karma will find u like how it found me. lol

time to reflect, yes, i used to dao ppl's sms last time and now i reaped wad i sow. =/ (i duno if its true but tts wad i assumed it is..) so, now im doing loads of good deeds so tt i can get my GOOD KARMA. =D i duno how long i will haf to do these good deeds in order to see a of hope, but, im so going to endure through it. I CAN DO IT.

o.o

hmm. updates.. am jobless for 2 weeks again.=/ weird.. why izzit tt ppl can find good jobs and why not me. argh. lazy to ponder abt such lame facts.. so cheer up and be happy!



ok, so..lets see.. wads happy for me.. erm.. staying home and sleep? haha its a plain and simple form of happiness tt is often taken for granted. a simple and relaxed life w/o any worries.. tts happiness.

lol but well well am really looking forward to having weird happenings tt can spark me up a little.. since ive been staying home for quite a while. ZZzz

calendar.

ohh looking at the calendar and reading those "wise words" from "wise people".. hmm the phrase for the month of MAY is "The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so. - Robert Ingersoll" haha kinda interesting and rather true.. hmm after reading this.. im rather determined to MAKE OTHERS HAPPY! i wonder if i will be happy as well! so. yea. LETS do it!

June -> "peace begins with a smile - Mother Teresa"
July -> " Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so. - Belva davis
Aug -> =.= forget it... its not good haha
Sep -> "If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it" - John Irving
Oct -> "All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them" - Walt Disney
Nov -> "In dreams begins responsibility" - William Butler Yeats
Dec - > "There is only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved" - George Sand
Jan -> "The language of friendship is not words but meanings. It is an intelligence about language." - Henry David Thoreau
Feb -> Happiness is not something you postpone for the future, it is something you design for the present" - Jim Rohn
March -> A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.- Kathleen Grove

hmm see which of them touches ur heart and try to apply them in reality!! cya for now.... needa go toilet=/

things+age.

lol. life is great! seriously=)

so ytd is mother's day.. so.. brought my mum out for MOF=/ haha im poor, so dun compare thx. went to tour ard and went home after a few hours hanging there.. kk so here comes the interesting part =) according to my bro. we board 307 and i was lucky to find 2 seats for my bro & i, (mum sat smwher else). i sat down and looked up, omg, my bro is so far behind mi, den there is this rather, rather... not very lean female who sat beside mi. i looked at my bro and he gave a controlled laughter. so, oh well i dun realli care...so throughout the journey, i didn realli get to sit comfortably becoz tt female took up a rather significant amount of space and ohh my, seriously.. im totally fine wif it.
kk so it was raining heavily when we reached our stop. ->(there is a small side story but i dun really wanna write it down here.)<- My mother had an umbrella so she went the unsheltered way bcoz she will haf to go through a flight of stairs if she wants to go from the sheltered walkway ( she hates stairs) . my bro and i took the sheltered walkway as we do not haf umbrealla. "seriously what is she tinking abt=.= its jus a flight of stairs." i told my bro. jus right after i finish the sentence, i slipped and slided down the flight of stairs. =) erm its literally SLIDE down.. wif my ass. as in can u imagine playing a slide in a playground but the slide is substituted wif stairs. so my ass went "bump..!bump..!bump..!bump..!.... BUMP!" until i reached the ground level. lOL. my specs flew and my slippers came off as well. i ended wif a sitting position and i laughed out loud. my bro luffed as well. den this middle-aged couple came to me and asked if im ok. omg. its like the ultimate disgrace. i told them tt im fine and i picked up and left.. laughing. tts when my bro told mi, "wow. ur life is realli very exciting. first u got squeezed by a *quote* FAT girl *unquote* den u slip and fell down the stairs. it jus like a series of unfortunate events!" haha i luffed and tot to myself.."tts my luck. wads new."

yup. so tts the interesting weekend nt forgetting being PS-ed by 2 frens simultaneously and my bum hurts =). OH. i wore a white shorts when i slipped and fell down the stairs.=) how lucky.

kk its another chapter frm here after..
as usual i went to work and had the routine life.. i ran into a colleague in the toilet & we had a casual chat.. he asked me "u jus finished poly? waiting for army? or are u still studying in poly". lol den i told him, i finished army.=) as usual.. tt stunned reaction came=/ "uh?! u finished army alrdy ah." lol oh well nt the first guy anw. similar conversations happened last fri as well. hmm guess i m realli very acquainted with the word "poly". so, mayb i'll just claim tt im still studying in poly in future then. =) to reduce the amt of shock tt these ppl will experience.

so.. mayb a few points to check whether u are realli old.(in the heart)
- You no longer feel angry when ppl gave a younger guess to ur age.
- You read ur own blog entries from the past and u tot "omg?! was i like that?!"
- You saw "Students special" on fast-food restaurants and u cldnt figure out whether u get the promotion or not.
- You saw JC ppl in uniform talking loudly and u tot to urself "=.= kids."
- You look at guys wif a very short hairdo wif slope and black framed specs wif polo-tee, jeans, and a green colour backpack and u will exclaim "wah sian..nxt ICT shld be coming soon...=.="
- You see ppl wearing green jockey cap + uniform + green backpack + clean shaven hair + black framed specs and u will EXCLAIM "eew. cao RE***IT.!"
- You no longer find the need to say tt ppl are childish.
- You start to wry wad car to buy.
- You start to plan wad age to marry, how many kids to haf, where to go for honeymoon, who u are gg invite to be ur bestman.
- You feel tt $2 notes are nt realli useful. 10cent coins can be thrown onto the floor.(mayb $1 coins too)
- $1.50 chicken rice is a myth.
- drink ah? drink lo.. instead of "Drink ah?! steady steady! where?! drink wad?!"

and the list goes ON and oN! haha. this phase of my life is when i feel tt im old. but in actual fact, not really.. hmm oh well. a very complexed phase of life. am still young for the challenges ahead!

bleh. rather long entry. so.. "gotta enDx HerE lex WoRx. SeEx yAx veRyx sOooONx~!"

=.= haha am jus bored at work.

mmhmm.

cont.

Holy cow. i really was an angry kid.=) hahahaha super joke!
ok... i'll continue the update...
3/5
ahh felt a little satisfaction after realizing my plan(gg explore singapore). even tho its nt really of much fun but still. yes.
o.o after tt i went to meet my family for a nice dinner @ sunshine place. bro's treat for mother day, the zi cha stall is real good. shld try it out if u are loooking for a place to eat. ok went for dessert at xinwang yew tee point.

lol the i ordered grass jelly wif sago snow ice( good memory =) ) and my bro ordered some mango ice thingy. den the staff said tt the serving will be rather big and its best to share it. but i told my bro "no problem, im ard." den she luffed and said "oh u didn haf ur dinner huh, its really big leh.. u sure u can?" lol. i SERIOUSLY cannot take it when ppl taunt me or doubt my words.. burning wif pride, i said, "nvm jus come i can finish 1"
lol & so it came. mine was HUGE. and my bro's was HUGE-R( as in bigger). & he was like "oh, its realli big.. u sure u can anot?" zZZ i seriously hate it when ppl look down on mi or doubt my words. lol. so i began eating & eating & eating. wow it took mi some effort to finish mine, and my bro finished like ard... 1/2 of his thingy after i finished mine. so, i took his and poured into my bowl. & i kept on eating. lol.
after some time, i FINALLY finished everything and was rather, very satisfied with myself. lOL kinda dumb...isnt it? but oh well. anw, i realized tt actually its true tt u feel discomfort in the stomach when u ate too much ice.
=.=i had a stomach ache after tt lol & still have it till ytd. LOL it sucks but.. for the pride... its.. worth it=)

4/5
OH. back to work..bad start of the day when i realized i didn bring my key card when i was abt to reach the bus stop..ran back home to search for it to no avail..=.=oh well, missed the bus and was sweating profusely..=.= tt is seriously the ulti combi to spoil my mood.

aww was late and i cannot go in the office since i dun haf the key.. waited outside till somebody else come out den i sprinted to hold the door.. LOL=.= VERY.. UNSIGHTLY. aww reached my desk & realized i left the key card in my office=.= ohhh well...super boring.. as usual.. am seriously gonna die of boredom sooner or later..=.= read my blog archives from my JC days similarly i felt "WOW" again=). hmm was lost in my own memories until its ard 11+ (notice: i red my blog from 9am till 11++am) until my subconscious reminded me tt i am working! so, was abt to ask if there is anything for me to do den i turned to my left, i saw my colleague's screen.."Facebook"... den i turned to my right, i saw "Stylish outfit for the season" on the other colleague's screen, so.. "oh." i turned back to my screen and continued with my bejeweled.=)
i switched btween bejeweled..facebook..hotmail..etc till its 530pm.=/ the day was very.. lame.
zzzzz=.=


side note-> have u ever heard an Angmoh talking in real life? do u find it funny? i wonder why i realli feel like luffing out whenever there is an angmoh talking near me. the way they talk.. is jus... strangely..funny.

30/4, 3/5, 4/5

well jus some routine updates.

30/4
mm attempted to organize an outing for all the ex and current scorpion company instructors. its been quite a while since we last got tgt and i really wish tt it will be a really enjoyable and memorable get together session.. have been researching on wat to do and where to go for a couple of days but well... kinda got owned on the actual day itself as NTH.. absolutely NTH went according to plan... the place which i wanted to dine at... the after dinner activities.. all.. buang!

guess i jus sucked @ organizing things.=.=

ended up eating at KFC and playing LAN. wow wad a gathering. haha hmmm but good thing is we still managed to see that every1 is getting on well. so.. shldn be complaining tt much.

3/5
lol its a monday and the sat b4 was labour day. and so as usual, i left for work in the morning.. "hmm the bus seems to be having less passengers today.." i tot to myself.. "probably bcoz the schools are havin holidays"

i sensed tt smth is amiss when the bus reached the destination earlier than expected( due to less traffic tt day) and the office building itself seems rather... quiet. loL den i tot to myself "it cant be tt today is holiday bah... y nbdy tell me...." so.. i went up to my office and peeped in through the doors

"OH WOW. ITS TOTALLY EMPTY."

haha i wasnt angry tho, in fact im VERY happy tt i do not have to work! =) so, i smiled and left tt place... TO BREAKFAST! haha tts been my dream since a while ago... to have mac breakfast! =)

lol so i happily bought the hotcake meal & asked ppl to come out.

Qn: Why not just go home? Lame.
Ans: Cuz tt morning itself my mum asked mi, " u today got work not?" den i told her " shld be haf.. cuz nbdy say dun haf". den she answered, "even if dun have u better dun come home la. u at home so noisy and lazy, things anyhow throw duno how to put back"
=.= SO. i didn go home.

kk so got daniel out & went on our exploring trip. the 1st and i hope not the last expedition to locate new & fun places to hang out. Well brief bkgrd on tt, i was hoping to get a grp of 3 and go visit all random places in singapore to locate new & fun & fresh locations to haf fun during weekends. Hope tt i will really be able to locate new places & have fun along the way tho.

well, its hard to get ppl to take part, cuz its almost like walking ard aimlessly. BUT. it is this kind of walking ard aimlessly, tt new places will be located!

____________________________________________________________________________________________
So, if u are
-Young and bubbly,
-with an outgoing personality and
-Possess a pleasant and cheerful disposition

please email your detailed resume with photo attached to caoyi_36@hotmail.com to arrange for an interview & join this expedition!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
haha oh well explore AMK & bishan tt day and hmm cant realli say its good but.. nt too bad tho!

guess its rather long so.. ill stop for now.. still some stuff haven put in but will update again soon.=)

Time Capsule.

Time. haha its a very queer thing. read this if u are free

"siaNx...
haha.. today notHinG special..oni go SP?? hahAx nTh great lahx.. just that they all the project do until qUite nice lahx... the today's tour guide... haha damn funny lehx... after the thing then noThiNg much.. go hoMe liaox.. lolx when on the MRT horx... Super funNy lohx... got 1 couple so funNy...the guy pLay with the girl nose then me and zm say the guy dig the girl's nose shit.. haha then zm or mhao notice 1 ah pEh weaRing gay colour..then lolx that ah peh keep looking at a young boy1's **** there... haha.. real funny... all the biG sisters in SP no cute 1 oso... sianZ hahax "

This is a blog entry written by a 15yr old boy. haha i guess he must have felt rather happy when he typed these down. hmm interesting.. i wonder wad he will become when he grows up =)
time seems to pass so slowly everytime one is doing nth or doing smth that he/she doesnt like. while it passes by very quickly when one is enjoying the moment. what a weird sensation, so did time realli moved faster or its jus plain human's misconception.
no matter what, the fact remains, there is nth one single human could do to oppose that unimaginable flow of time. There will be a time when u look back and exclaim "wow, time flies" even when u remb urself saying "oh my god.. time is really crawling.." back then.

haha wad a load of feelings gushing into me now, cuz i was reading my own blog posts from erm 2005? and wow i was thinking which idiotic kid wrote this. Im glad i felt that way tho, it simply means that ive really grown, mature. all the memories were refreshed as i read through those posts one by one, i got so engrossed in my own emotions back then tt i forgot tt i was working. lOL

i was pulled back to reality after my colleague called my name. "oh, im working now." i realised. ho wow, it feels kinda good tho, i relived my secondary school days via this time capsule. i can picture myself and those familiar & nostalgic scenes which i had experienced b4 but haf put them away into a dark corner of my brain.

hah. felt refreshed and there is some weird sensations in me now. not those "weird" as in sexually but, mentally, i felt... kinda happy. genuinely.
im sure there will come a time in future where i will read my currents posts and exclaim "oh my, was i like this b4? im really such a kid".. tts wad i felt when i read through my 2005 posts. haha take tt chaoyi, u stupid young and idiotic childish kid. GROw up thx!

so, ChaoYi, be sure to smile when u read through this. i hope that u are finally happy now.

chaoyi = The younger me.
ChaoYi = The future me.

sudden.

there is this sudden silence that surrounded me. A moment ago, the office is still bustling with live, suddenly. there is silence. I glanced at the bottom right hand corner of my computer's screen and "oh its 12pm"

haha so i decided to write a blog post since no one else is in the office to supervise me =x heeehee work has been well, manageable.. rather simple stuffs for me to do. still very protective of myself tho, kept quiet and talked as minimal as i can=) to prevent myself frm getting too comfortable here and reluctant to leave after a month. haha its nt tt i hate it here, just tt i really need to find green grass out there.! if u get wad i meant.

oh on a saving spree tho haha spend <$1 on lunch daily now. =) good ass. haha life is still the same as before. nth interesting happend so, yea hope my recurring dreams ( being in love with a pretty girl) will happen in real life soon! jus to touch on the recurring dreams.. had similar dreams for 3consecutive days whereby i haf a girlfren. quite a loser rite? haha oh well its sweet dreams to me.

however wif reference to previous experiences, normally, nth tt appear in my dreams will happen in reality. haiz..

oh kk tts it for now. will update again soon=)

woOgffhh.. work.=.=

woOgffhh.. am working now.. nth to do so i decided to write a blog to improve my English standards and at the same time improve my typing skills. I am gonna finish typing this entry in one minute.

So, previously i have been searching for a job that is rather high paying and enjoyable. at least higer paying and more enjoyable than my previous 1.. so i've been hunting for 1 1/2 month. END up, =)

BUT, this time. im not gonna whine or grumble abt it.. i'll just let things flow peacefully. things will get better. definitely. YES! my life is gonna reach a turning point sometime! will be looking forward to it. Ooaghhff, guess tts it for now.


p.s. im in office typing all these.

Sore dewa, mata ne.

Effort.

update.

well well, on the hunt for a month now.. thinking back.. had quite a few regrets.."should have .... i should have..." lol cuz i turned down a few job opportunities.. now, jobless.. kinda regret it but OH WELL. i cant do much since i gave them up in hope of better opportunities.. well well. jus a wrong "investment" nth much to whine abt.

yea yea still jobless.. my frens must be luffing hard rite now... "cy is lousy.. cant even find a job." aww.. wad can i say. nbdy replies to my emails haha. mayb my resume is just poor.

kk tts it for now. nth much to update anw jus sleep & stone everyday.
oh. im learning jap=) haha

ohyasuminasai.

finally thought things thru.. phew. let it go. SUI!

life goes on.

yes. i stopped at the part when i overcame another milestone in my life. but that just brought me back to reality. The real world. the me who shouts @ ppl, who scolds ppl for leisure and command ppl does not exists. yes. the dream is over, i awakened & found myself lying on the same bed as 2 yrs ago. the problem which i tried to ignore in my dreams resurfaced & started to haunt me again. yes =) Uni.

im lost. previously, i would just ignore this topic & jus keep in mind that its not happening yet... when the time comes, the problem will be solved automatically. escape, definitely.. escaping from the harsh truth.. LOL =x

well well, short term goals first! found a job at Cold Storage as an ADMIN ASSISTANT / ORDER COORDINATOR.. take note, thx. not packer, not cashier, not storeman & not a deliveryman! =.= cuz previously whenever ppl ask me "hey where are u working at?", i will reply "cold storage"and immediately, they will give me a look of disdain and i noe wads in their minds.

"Must be some cashier or wadever lowly paid part time job". lol OHHHhhHH Wwelll.

mm drowned myself with work almost everyday frm the nov till christmas. Was reaally busy, but somehoW i survived. mm yea met frens to go out once in a while but somehow, i feel that the magic is no longer there =/ whenever i hang out with frens... i didn really feel tt much happiness, i laughed alot less than b4. wonder why. izzit bcoz i changed? or izzit my frens grew up too much, too fast for me to catch up with.? i dont noe. i do miss the times, when i can laugh with them till my stomach cramps. those were the days..

well well.. new yr flew past, den comes chinese new yr, an annual event when i will stay home and slack while my frens were visiting their relatives. Occassionally, i do get jealous when ppl were discussing abt how they hang out with their cousins & how much fun they got. while for me, that topic seems so foreign to me. ( since my cousins are in a foreign land ) =/ OH WELL. tts life.

hoo hoo was suPer looking forward to leaving my workplace as its really boring towards the end when we do not get as much work as compared to before. learnt alot of things there, i THOUGHT i grasped many of the relavant social skills & business skills + work experience. felt great as i get to meet loads of ppl frm the real world =) some in a more dire situation as compared to me, financially. heehee.. but nonetheless these little pride i finally gained were soon CRUSHED TOTALLY when i met my jc frens..

yes. i tot i grew quite abit after sometime back to the real corporate world. i was happy when i met my jc frens after sometime, since ive always been bz working working working.. living in my own world. lol. funny thing is, i realized, what i learnt recently, my new gained knowledge which i THOUGHT was so powerful, so new, so fresh, is nth more than superficial information. wow. lol my heart sank.. totally.

hohoho.. so my contract ends @ feb 27. was super happy that im leaving that place cuz i felt real bored there. yea. i THOUGHT with my work experience, i can find a job easily in a very shoRT time frame.
aww not to mention, the ghost UNI came back to haunt mi everyday, its not that i do not want to solve the problem.. the fact is that, i cant solve the problem! i kept on escaping from it nt bcuz im lazy, its bcuz, i cant face the fact! well well, im totally, really lost now. i have my directions, but i cant move forward.

well well. lost as usual, im unemployed for 2 full weeks now. my tiny bit of confidence which i build up. is nth more than a tiny flicker now.

arghh.. gonna get back on my feet. i must push on. THE HUNT CONTINUES. tomorrow.
I MUST NOT FALL!

mm met u today. lol. it was a un"expected" encounter. haha, why? thats bcoz i didn wanted to go there at all initially, some incidents happened & thus i decided to go. but, my weak & dumb mind secretly held on a small ray of hope that i will meet u. & wow. whenever i see u, i become weak & lousy @ expressing myself, my confidence level is at 0. i noe i did poorly everytime im wif u but. oh well im happy deep inside, plainly due to the fact that, i saw u.
i thot time heals all wounds, time will make mi forget.. obviously, i havent. i duno y im so weak.=.= so lame=.= so.. loser. but. well well.i noe my place.
probably jus due to the fact that i havent find any1 else who will make mi feel this way.
im a loser. i suck big time =.=

Shhh...

hmm.. do ppl still write blogs nowadays?
Oh well, i guess i will continue to update my life on this place=) for my personal reference haha.
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In case someone else other than myself is reading my blog, this portion is for u=)
well im back to writing blog due to several reasons, namely
- im really bored
- happened to stop by my own blog recently, i read through my previous posts and i was like "Oh, so i was like that?!" haha.. brings back alot of my memories and my emotions then.
- felt that my english standard is starting to go dOWN doWN doWN! & my frens told me that writing blogs will probably improve my english. so..
Thats abt it!
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ok ok ok lONG post again since i didn update for like err...1 year? oh slightly less than that. haha
where shall i start.. oh well i will jus continue from my previous entry..

May 2009
what was i doing then.? lOL i forgot=) basically from May09 till Oct09.. im still an instructor in the "Land where soldiers are born". so nth much to update abt.. haha was rather demanding and strict to those bunch people and wasnt very well-liked by every1.. but, im jus doing my job, and i really wanted to do it well.
plz do not misunderstand, im VERY well-liked by my fellow instructors, haha, really had loads of fun together with them. aww.
so u shld be able to guess who dislikes me? The top & bottom =) if u get wad i mean.

Blah forget it.. shall not go into details abt tt cuz its classified + its very long if u wan mi to elaborate further.

okok so from oct 09 onwards, i was gg on off & leave + MC(for wisdom tooth extraction).. heehee so for the whole of Oct, im basically slacking at home or out wif frens having fun WHILE still drawing my salary =) life was realli heavenly then.
wOoo 11 11 09 haha a day that i was SUPER looking forward to! haha its *** day. before that day we(my fellow instructors from my batch) were kinda like a semi celebrity among my junior instructors.. cuz the juniors will always "wah lau eh.. *** liao lah hor.. sian sia i 1 more year" den my reply will always be "aiya i still long la.. still long. dun say *** first"
UNtil that day itself.. i was sleeping in my office until i awakened by a few bunch of ppl marching and singing loudly=.= was rather pissed when i opened my eyes and look at my watch.. =.=5:50. in the morning. oh 5:50 was considered very early for me as i just came back from my off & leaves. so for the past month ive been waking up in the afternoon.. so.. for tt day itself when i woke up at 5:50am, i was rather not used to it.
but, 1 thing went to my mind tt time, "eh? isnt today my...my *** day?!" and i literally smiled to myself =) oh im smilling to my monitor as i was typing as well. haha so i got up, brushed my teeth, walked around, stoned, and packed my bag & braced myself to leave this place for good. alone in the office, i began to feel some emotions stirring inside me, this place that i hate so much, i actually developed a sense of belonging for it after 1 year in there. its actually a mix feeling joy & sadness for me. as in yea, for me. to me, it kinda feels the same as compared to my previous graduation ceremonies in schools. but b4 tt, i told myself tt i hate this god-forsaken place.. this place where my freedom is bound, this place where.. i had cursed so many times.. but at the point of time when i really have to leave, a weak voice in my heart is whispering to me, "im gona miss this place, this is the last time"...
no matter wad, i gotta go means, i gotta go. i picked up my bag and made my way out. i saw my fren & he said "wah *** liao hor u" , surprisingly, my reply was the same as before! "aiya i still long la.. still long la.." rite after i said tt phrase, i realized its.. now. now im gonna ***.. its no long still long anymore.. haha aw so tts abt it. i got back a card that SO many guys are talking abt. the pink thingy =)
on my way out, i didn realli feel much.. i wasnt as happy as i thought i would be. and i wasnt that emotional as tt morning. i didn feel anything. just "oh im going home".

aww aww aww what a long pOSt alrdy..=.= im just done wif my army life journey. but wow. its alrdy like.. errr 825words?! aww.. gotta sum up and just end this post first.

aww ive gotta say, ive changed. the way i view things changed drastically. aiyo, its hard to explain it here. nbdy will realli believe it anw. but seriously, ive changed. i noe it myself=) so yup the 1 yr 10mths not wasted.nt gonna elaborate here. zzZ will update again soon.. tt concludes my **my life story.. see ya.. for now.