Tearful (Whirl. fallen. thank you.)

cause i always cant find the right mood to write so, im going to split write abt 3 issues experienced on 3 diff days in 1 post?

Whirl
ive always looked forward to seeing u but everytime i see u, my brain gets screwed up and goes into this endless debate on whether it is right to haf feelings for u. and i wont b able to think properly bcuz there are diff course of actions tt i shld do depending on my decision. ie, if i need to remove u cause im hurting myself too much for trying to get closer, i shld rly jus step back but, part of me will still move illogically and i hate myself for tt. yea thus explains my strange actions and strange speeches. cuz, my brain is in a whirl.

i am mayb v close to the answer. this strange phenomenon will not stay for long i promise.

fallen
when life decided to screw u, they dont stop until u're totally down and until ure totally hurt and bleeding and on the verge of dying.

ive..... attained the worst case scenerio. getting a double blow. nw.. im totally stucked. totally screwed.failure failure. this is the worst ive ever experienced. getting a high nose due to previous successes. over confidence? no its not. i wld say my calculations were spot on and exactly accurate but. i forgot to add in a seemingly insignificant factor : my human heart. i dont quite regret wadever i did but, i wld really hate to see ppl showing my the looks of sympathy and asking for an explanation.

i..cant find the courage to tell my frens, my family, and all those who asked. me, the me who seemed so capable, the prideful me, the me who seemed to haf a very good idea of how his nxt step shld be, who seemed to haf calculated every single detailed so perfectly to end up so miserably pathetic. i..srsly dont wanna hear wad they wld say to me and wad scorns tt wld be coming.

my family.....omfg. they trusted me, but i disappointed them. its bad enuf tt im disappointed wif myself and i haf to bear their disappointment as well. its rly...heavy. but i cant hide frm them. ive been thinking abt all the possible scenerios. possible solns... but none seems to be good enuf to satisfy them. i.need a little more time.

and ya. now i get it, tt bright star tt i saw falling off the night sky tt day... it was actually the star tt represented me. and i still foolishly made a wish upon it thinking tt it wld bring me gd fortune.

Thank you
"this thank u is supposingly meant as a hurtful insult to tt fking wadever tt brought this to me. how cld u be so cruel to me. u shld be able to see, my efforts in pleasing every1. my efforts in trying to protect any1 ard me and make em happy. i did not ask for much, i just wanted the bare minimal to help me survive. and u selfishly took them frm me. THANK YOU so much for being so stingy. u fking thingy. be sure to pay me back smth of equivalent value in future.im growing stronger and stronger thanks to u. as man goes thru many ordeals, he becomes a man stronger than any1 else. i didn want tt tho. i merely wanted to lead a normal life if possible w/o having to face so much problems and then solving them one by one using so much effort. its not like im alrdy leading a very happy life, u jus had to pee into an overflowing shit hole dont u."

BUT oh wells rather than wasting my time to hurl insults at u, ive decided to keep tt in this time, i shall take everything back in. i wld gif this thank u to another person. the..person who caused me so much pain b4, i dont think she noes but oh wells i guess happiness are totally not gon b linked to me at any point in time.

we talked on the fone for almost 2 hrs? more like shes doing the talking and im jus listening. sry but im q a stubborn person, unless u are very convincing and u earned my respect at some point of time, nth much sinks in my brain. but however, i did appreciate the effort to wanting to gif me ur opinion which i...havent got frm any1 else. tho i dont rly need it. wad i needed was. i guess. concern.
im not able to respond well to ur conversation bcuz...i didn wanna cut u off by saying tt ive alrdy thot of all the things tt uve said. sry but i cant agree bcuz i nv believed in life being positive. i believe tt its in equilibrium, being positive aint bringing me nowher. but i guess i shall leave tt for another day. and i dont believe in wad ure doing. im jus stubborn ok.

k the more impt part was tt it rly kinda moved me tt u said tt my words actually stayed in ur heart or rather mind for all these while and it kept u moving and it brought u to gd results. but u bitch, u didn give me ur heart in return._|_ k nvm but yea since u got gd results.. i guess i can b hapy for u. so yea its decided, i am on my own. as usual.

i seldom thank people sincerely but i swear, this time im srs. thank u. for showing concern, u didn haf to. but u still insisted, mayb u thought its gon be helpful. hmm hw to say, no its not helpful to the shit tt im in. but i wldn say tt its completely meaningless. i feel slightly comforted i guess. n tho its kinda insulting to haf u feel tt u needa advice me, i...shall gracefully accept wadever u say and........ ya. i still need time to reason out properly cause i dont think i can make a rational decision at the moment but. yes u did. u did make me feel the urge to face it like a man and do smth to it as soon as possible.

My heart is touched. Thank you so much Miss. :)

u actually made tears welled up in my sockets twice within 1hr40min. welldone. i rly wish u all the best and succeed in pursuing ur goal. and i.. shall climb outta tt shithole.. as fast as i can.

thank u thank u thank u. (tearfully.)

failure.

so here comes the first. i meant second failure. hahaha jus when i tot thing went pretty smoothly. when some1 doesnt wan u to pass, there are millions of ways to make it happen. i see tt its probably a sign. hahahaahhaha the scenerio tt ive prepared in my mind. i guess you didn wan it to happen. prolly for my sake but, are u sure? ARE u freaking sure i will b happier if this series of event happen?! you'd better be cuz im fking pissed right now. im STILL FKING Pissed.

it sucks to fail, its... nt tt bad to haf to try again.. its... bad enuf to noe the fact tt.. even if u gave it ur all, ure still not good enuf. however, i think its worst to haf to face the people who... believed in u.. who had faith in u.. and also those who looked down on u, who were proven correct, heh, they were right to look down on u. it hurts alot to look at ppl's smiling face fading away as i told them the fact tt... i dont haf a good news to share. meh.its not a first failure. and i dont accept failures well. not to mention tt there are alot more things tt aint going in my favour. sometimes i feel like i just want to ignore all those shits tt happened. forgetting them might make me happier but, sadly they persists and ive got to solve it sooner or later.

okay wel wel. enuf pessimism. life's fked up but, somehw, things will be better at some point.as long as im alive, i can flip this fking table round and make things to my favour.
hmm drank a little bit of beer and chatted for a bit abt life. haha the beer omg. totally makes me feel happy. tt chilling atmosphere... nt having to care abt anything was totally spoilt by the mere reminder tt i had to work the nxt day in the morning. omg. tt tot totally...made me feel unhappy. and i felt like i shld just.. ignore all these shit. and shove 1 middle finger in their faces. grr sry but im very angst these days.. cuz of all the bad things tts happening.

k lastly..! sry bout the long whiny shits. i think i saw a shooting star flashing past earlier. so i made 2 wishes. hahah kinda greedy but... PLEASE MR SHOOTING STAR. fufill my wishes PLEASE. im alrdy sad enuf and u... please seeing u shld mean some gd fortune RIGHT?! pls fufill them pls. wif tt i shall... look forward to tml ok? shooting star. ive.. alrdy given up all hope and began to start trusting u. so... stop killing me. please.

right.. tts abt all. i guess? yea for now.. i shall update this post if smth new pops up

the final day.

today is the last day... that im gonna be relaxed for this season. tml and fri.. the biggest things are coming up. the life changing 2 days i guess. i'll jus hope for the best.pls. ive suffered so much. all im asking for isnt much. srsly. pls. at least let me haf them so my life will be smooth again.!!


i swear, ill show u more interesting stuffs if u let me pass this time ard. i will break these lame boring cycles of life. u wont regret it. SO pls. let ME PASS BOTH OF EM PLS.

well tt said, smth xtra to mention. yea my..dream again. good to know tt my heart didn stray off. its still dere and becoz im supposed to protect u..and i will continue to do so..for awhile.

every dream wif u in it is a sweet dream.:|

Dreams, equilibrium and wakeup.

Dreams
sometimes i wld just dream of tt thing which i really wanted to keep wif me. happy moments, ur face so close to mine, my wide smile. i guess it only happens in dreams, as i opened my eyes, i felt happy but,it was just for an instant, i recalled my reality. looking at the time, ive only slept for 30 min. haa weird isnt it. is it true tt i willl be able to see wad i really wanted in my mind in my dreams? i hope it is. i hope it reflects my true desire, and not jus a temporary want.

drinking makes me happy, makes me laugh easier. seems like a temporary relief of the emptiness inside this human shell, heh thus xplains the love for alcohol i guess. well but the downside of it was tt i need loads of slp the nxt day which is nt really ideal. haaha. so wad now, good or bad, depends on which i need den.

Equilibrium
so life is abt equilibrium: at least in this world. eating too much will make u feel bloated and ill, eating too little makes u feel hungry and weak. giving too much to tt person will make them feel annoyed and bothersome, giving too little make them feel tt u dont care. if u love everything abt a person u might feel tt she is too perfect for u and the inferiority sets in, by loving alot of her goodpoints and hating her bad points while accepting all of them tt human arent perfect creatures, u will den be able to love her properly and get back the equal amount.

heh. jus some random nonsense tt came to my mind ytd so i felt like writing down somewher. mayb it doesnt even make sense but oh well. mayb i willl edit it somehow, later. to make it more valid. equilibrium, equality, fairness, do they exists in all situations? welll well.

wakeup
last night i.. suddenly had this thought tt came to my mind. wtf haf i been thinking all this while. wad was i expecting in return. ive alrdy calculated tt the returns wldve been zero, but the amount tt im giving... has been slightly way too much. den i told myself tt i needa wake up. and yea this thought has occured far too many times, i guess its jus the logical side of me arguing wif my stupid side. well recently it always ends wif me seeing again and ahh "I remembered." and den i remained stupid so yea. i hope one day, the smarter me will win.. soon pls.

wake up.

still.

ignorance is bliss.

much as i want to know more, i guess a step back cldve been a step forward. doing smth else may calm my nerves down and i wont b too focused and lose my cool. the impt days are coming, i want.. things to go smoothly, after tt, while having nth to wry, i can move on to the nxt world. err not suicidal pls i love myself and i want to live forever. nxt world as in go into the real workforce.

Had lunch after circuit lesson today. Hm, I ate packet rice and drank some milk tea while sitting on a weird location. The walkway leading to the Mrt station. Haha happened to haf a ledge or smth for me to sit on, so I sat dere and had my lunch. Ppl stared but I didn look back. I'm totally plugged in and blasting some good music into my ears so I... Was temporarily in my own world.? Yea. Loved some srsly thinkin time. Wad was I thinking abt, I haf no idea but oh wells. Yup so after lunch, I decided to go home. For a sleep. Haha den I went out again for dinner. It was... Slightly too filling. But since the other person is happy, I.. Did my job.

Didn do anything much useful after tt so... Hahha tts it for now. I'm gonna talk abt some weird dreams I had in the nxt post yea. Some self reminder hahaha

someday.

haha someday.

i will no longer be anywher near ur life. someday, u wont even be in my memories. someday u will be rly happy wif somebdy else. and someday i will forget tt i once felt down bcoz of u.

hmm mayb when every1 is asleep and there is no one else to disturb me, im able to connect to myself better, my conscience, my inner thoughts, my wadever my brain i suppose. k disturb sounds kinda weird, lets rephrase it. hmm when im all by myself i tend to think abt myself way more than normal? nvm nt impt. haha felt tt the song lyrics was rly touching. and really ouch. yea ouch. kinda hurts and hahahaha. so yea kinda affected by it and its on repeat.

erm life's been normal? boring, empty, day by day im sleeping and playing game and yea nth much. rly wanted to go party this week but, yea.. dont think tts gonna happen. and theres this dumb fishing trip on sunday? i dont feel like going but sigh, cuz i cant rly bear to miss out on any activities tt might be interesting so.. oh wells. lets hope tt i can haf fun after all. i think it is true tt i aint got much more time left to lead this kind of carefree life. argh. jus thinnking of it makes me unhappy. grr.
eh hello. Look forward to tomorrow. mayb tomorrow is gonna be fun. nth special going on but, well mayb smth new might happen, mayb smth gd willl happen? and i will be able to b happy mayb? yea lets go to tomorrow.

cheers. heres to never growing up. k random nvm

today, i. still feel for u. 

but no. no cy dont be stupid.

paradox

i want to stay away, i want to get closer.
i want to forget u, i want to noe u better.
i want to leave, i dont want to let u go.
i want to start a new life, i dont want to readjust my life.

all these paradox, are driving me weird. i hope by august, i can completely settle down and take flight. i dont want any distractions tt may disturb my new life.

its okay. im doing..not rly fine but i shld be able to live on. ure the thing i swore to protect and i shall do it for as long as i can. heh same old dumb me.

Tt aside. Met up wif my frens few days ago, as usual some laughter, some jokes, some fun, lots of boredom. I wonder wads wrong wif me. But I will hang on, and keep this friendship going andd, be more sporting and enthusiasted in trying out new stuff. Heh. I.. Srsly hate waking up early, haf nth to do n end up sleepin in the daytime and I need to slp early at night cuz I needa wake up early. Zzz
Ohh. Wells. Life's like tt. I shall try to enjoy it since I don't think I can haf much of this life for long. meh. U.. Asshole.


cause I rmb-ed who I gave my heart to, tho I don't think u cld see it or ure simply ignoring it.

.

August

The month of relevation. Lets pls pls hope tt things will all turn out okayy. Please.!
Since July seems to b a sad mth for me as usual, August August. Lets look forward to it

I still do.

Curves

It's like 2 curves of opp signs.from infinitely far away,  Somehw we got closer but nv intersecting and den we continue moving in our own direction. Which is, sadly away frm one another yes a very mathematical way of explaining which.. Kinda applies LoL.!!

It do hurt, when, I see it widening, I make it widen, and u widen it further. Tt cycle of events tt all seem too familiar, I.. Didn wan tt. I wanted to step forward, but I don't think ill haf the courage to face rejection lol. so shld I...Slowly fade away.? Or shld I jus rip myself away. Or.. Or..? Wad a joke cy. Ure a joke.

I want u. But I can't go for u. Tt sux big time.

Ill try nt to keep whining. Okay.? Ok.

heartless.

life's been. pretty boring as usual. boring frens. boring job. boring life. but this boredom is actually kinda good in a sense. been learning hw to drive, think ive alr hit a rock wall, unable to realli progress further and i dont noe why. mayb im jus nt gd at it.

been lazy yea. but.. with tt much free time on hand, any1 wldve done the same. i guess, this time i alrdy found the answer. i wldnt rly wanna stay further, heh objective completed i guess. its nt deeply rooted in yet so i guess it aint hard to totally forget abt it, hmm jus like the previous ones=)
it hurts but. i think its bearable.

let it go cy.

am heartless now.

Darknesss.

who is tt boy i see staring straight back at me, why is my reflection some1 i dont noe.
when will my reflection show who i am...inside.

did some reflection earlier. sipping 2 cans of beer while munching on kachang puteh. i guess its kinda weird but... well we've gotta do some strange stuffs once in a while.

oh so the WHOLE scenerio was like, i went for circuit lessons omg. kept MOUNTING KERBS WTF. which is realli intolerable at this point but.. argh. i wonder wads wrong. and yea so i had nth much to do after the lesson, bought kachang puteh and a couple of beer. meh, the cashier stared at me and luckily didn check my IC.LOl. for some reason i feel guilty =.= i guess im really living in denial. im WAY OVER THE AGE LIMIT.

k soOo. passed by this playgrd and i felt tt, mayb i shld jus chill, sat on the swing while drinking beer. Aint tt gd of an experience =_= but oh wells its..erm gd enuf, finished it and went home.

so ive been thinking, who the hells been hacking my blogger acc and postin all those weird posts=.= please. i aint that whiny. all those shits will be erased frm my memories.

SO yeah, welcome my return. i. am back. to wad i used to be. =)

Just another youthful indication

Life's been weird lately. Wasting time and all. Anw can't u see the look in my eyes, look at it that are in sorrow. meh quoted tt frm a song anw LOL. But yeah kinda applies for this case. Didn u realize.? My eyes tt were alr diff frm b4.. Or rather ure choosing to ignore it. It's... Kinda okay but. Aw, no.. I.. Argh: can't bear to.

Haha and I recalled my reason for coming back this time ard, it was, to fufill a promise, and to protect smth impt, and to repay my gratitude for the fact tt i wasnt particularly bored and sad during the darkest days. but oh well. i think ive done enuf i guess, almost. and yes, i wont give up but i haf to move on soon and mayb pickup smth better in future. i reacalled, it was only a temporary game for me to pass time anw. yea it is and it shldve been the case. and ya i kinda found the answers to a few qns tt was bothering me for a while and am quite pleased wif it.?
remove all ur thoughts if ur mind is swirling, take a step back and look frm a diff person's perspective. frm there, u will begin to see wad u normally dont see and u will noe wad u need to do.

meanwhile. let me clear off all those weird things ard my life b4 im able to take flight.

Cold.

Interesting quote tt came knocking at the right timing.?

"Look at any successful man in any trade, and you will see one pattern: successful people
focus on winning rather than losing.

It doesn't mean they don't pay attention to risks or contingency plans (in fact, most successful people are
also attentive and think before they act). But what they try to do is act boldly once they have decided to do
something and see every mistake or obstacle as just another lesson.

On the contrary, the typical person walks on egg-shells and hope they do not make mistakes. They wait
and wait until they are "ready" to take action, and the first sign of trouble that comes along, they are ready
to throw in the towel and fall back into their comfort zone.

Focus on what you want and what you are going to do, NOT on what you might lose if you do not
win.

Know who you are.
Know what you stand for.
Know what you like and don't like.
Know what you want and just go get it.

If you are truly focused, everything else will
fall into place.

You will have the right body language.
You will have the right voice tone.
You will have all the right words.

Because you will be totally relaxed and be at ease.

And should something happens that's outside of your
control, you're not even going to care because you are so
focused.


You fail once. You bounce back.

You fail twice. You keep going.

You fail a third time. You don't even notice it.

You will just keep on going because your focus is on
what the prize.

It's like a child learning how to walk: no matter
how much times he falls, he will get up and try again.

You've done it before - before you started caring
about what others would think if they saw you fail. It's
time to have that focus again.

I promise you will gain confidence."

scraped this frm my junk mail, tt came almost like.. well. its telling me not to gif up, its almost describing wad im gg thru now. is tt a sign? but...ive tried. and ive been recieving icy, coldness, and argh. tts kinda hurting.while i recalled. hw did this even started, yea it was to kill sometime. it was to, help repair tt brokened piece of shit called heart, it was just..a game. which i toook a lil too seriously. trying to calm down, trying to be logical. trying to be myself. and no. i dont like losing. i wont wanna get hurt again, not this time.

Remove all those thoughts please. stop. cy. cy stop being an idiot. wake up.

even after alll alll of those, yea it's rly abt time to wrap things up. The.. Boy wld..might.. Shld be leaving soon. Ya.? Yes. A dream has got to end somewher Somehw. This... Shld hurt quite abit but.. I needa weigh the odds, we'll see, we'll see. I'm kinda curious tho. I hope I could finish reading this story and not leave cliff hangers like the previous story. I.... Wld miss u. After this, I.. Wld become cold again

be cold.

girl who cant leave, boy who cant say goodbye.

step back.

mayb its nicer to take a step back. to look at things frm a wider view. mayb its better to take a step back, so tt i haf fresh air to breathe. i guess i took a step back cuz i. dont feel tt sorrowful now.

a step back. a step further away. i duno if tts wad i want. i duno if tts wad i shld do. but i dont think theres a right or wrong answer to this.

sometimes my body, jus choose to do weird things tt is illogical. even tho i noe its gonna hurt, even tho i noe ive gt nth to gain and everything to lose, i still..haha. cant control those weird actions.
i probably.. shld leave this world and go back into my own world. where i belong

Altered memories.

had a great night ytd. i think? generally rather happy to be able to meet up wif my frens again doing tt same old thing. brings back memories. hahaha laughed alot, nt sure if its a sincere laugh or just laughin for the sake of laughing. but oh well.

a lil overdosed on alcohol which made me kinda, lost some memories. these happens so darned often which i hate. memories are impt, and i feel rly unhappy when i lost em. met sm1 real cute and funny ytd, chat abit but i guess the alcohol made me rly funny as in the weird type of funny, not the good humorous way whatnot. but neh, interesting convo we had.

went to work wif a hangover. god, tt felt horrible. felt like vomiting but i dont think its gonna help much, endured thru wif almost less than half of my full physical potential. haha layman terms? im feel fked up and cant move properly. i survived, reached hm wif tt black face and i srsly wan to slp but i needa wait for dinner first, had a rather nice dinner and went hm to slp after tt. den. YES. cant slp now. 1:03am.=.= and i needa wake up early tml. zzz

: soOoo. story abt altered memories :

jus random thoughts hahaha. there.. wld be times wherby you wont haf a certain memory of smthing tt happned to u and some1, who supposingly was in the same place, witnessing the incident reminds u, tells u abt wad happend. den some bits and pieces of memories sorta came back to ur brain and u accepts it as a reality tt really happened. but, hw true can tt be? mayb the "memories"were jus purely imaginary images pictured by ur brain after recieving information from the other person which were mistook by urself as "truth tt happend." and u will thusforth accept tt that incident, rly did happend in ttt manner as described by the other person.
ya bushwa~ haha new word i jus learnt. meaning rubbishy nonsense loL!. but well worth a thought.

well ya my bro told me tt he doesnt remb me as a kid. like he's got memories of me as a baby, den the nxt thing he remb, im alr a teen. hahaha sadly i..dont haf much memories of myself as a kid as well. LOL. and yea i retained more info of myself when i was a teen. meh so i guess blogging helps, it helps to remind me of wad im like, when i was younger.

yea anw so i was sayingggg, mayb...just mayb, mayb i was never a kid, tt time frame didn occur, since nobdy has memories of it, my life got fast forwarded and i bcame a teenager.while nobdy realized. heh. tt explains. :) nah im not crazy. jus random strange thoughts. baba.

and yea i wld love to alter my memories.... removing all those tt makes me unhappy.

...dirty little secret.

Lets get used to it alright.?

"Let me know that I've done wrong

When I've known this all along

I go around a time or two

  Just to waste my time with you

..

..

I'll keep you my dirty little secret 

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

My dirty little secret

..

The way she feels inside

Those thoughts I can't deny

These sleeping thoughts won't lie

And now I try to lie

It's eating me apart

Trace this life back"

well jus some lyrics tt can kind describe wad i wanna say. lets be positive alright? i..didn lose anything. i came wif a broken heart and im leaving wif a broken heart as well. hmm i didn gain anything and i didn lose anything. i jus remained at the equilibrium point? hahaha well it was...kind time... not well spent but.. its smth tt i can remb for quite a long while. bleh. tt a dead heart can actually be resusitated by meeting the right person. tho at the wrong time, frm a diff era. im me. in my world. and ure u, in ur world. jus so happened tt our world.. coincided for some unknown reason. but yea... i.. will be fine after.. a little while.

been doing nth recently... a life which i yearned for, which every1 yearned for. but... it aint gd.. tt escape frm reality to pursue..what? yea for wad reason am i here for. ah..an ending. ure slowly but surely, leaving tt world. and i dont belong to tt world too. a hawk tt doesnt fly doesnt live long, my wings are ready nw, jus... soon. very..soon.

so was kinda sick ytd. caught a cold and died.? lol slept for quite a while and i woke up and rushed to driving lessons. tts kinda.. joke cuz. i guess tts smth i rly sucked at. LOL. nonetheless...its smth i realli realli need. =_= fk.... grrr and yea i will look forward to tml's drinking session. i hope i wld b able to retain my.. consciousness and my memories. lets.. go shall we?

i. will. forget. all. this..soon. i hope.
i am very happy.
i am very happy.
i am very happy.

yes. i am very happy.

i...go crazy bcuz of u.

hi hello. im back. pretty quick return this time around. right... im. :)
ive been drinking quite a lil cuz its my off tml.!! heh i wonder how I'm gonna spend it but the fact tt I'm  burping for some reason is kinda annoying, the shits tts going in my brain is...why are you being like this. hahah i guess.. probably... as usual... theres alr some1 whos taking tt v impt place in ur heart. mayb okay. to explain tt coldness... tt...=_= so mayb I shldn cont to be hanging near u

well i...swear i cant sense any reaction frm ur side.. much as.. i needed some1 to be here wif me tonight.. to stop me frm drinking, to help me release some of my... unspoken words. theres no one ard.

haha i think.. i... rly haf to... start a new chapter soon. the chapter here... is most likely gonna end wif some lame ending but... well i guesss tts me. if it gets boring, if it gets a lil too tiring, imma getting rid of it.

i.. liked u.. do u? k. mayb not but oh wells. tts.. kinda fine. i guess.... i shall do fine on..my own.. fk tt burping.
imma leave it hanging for now.

bai.

tomorrow's burden.

This marks the 7th time im trying to post smth.

been trying to do tt but i didn cause erms.? i didn manage to grasp the perfect writing mood? i was too tired? and many many other reasons i guess.

went thru a series of bad days since last week and i..sincerely hope tt its gonna be better now.
the last attempt to post was titled wif a teardrop. i... am guessing tts hmm decribing how ive been living like. i was never happy. even when i laughed, even when i smiled even when im having tt expressionless face, even when im acting like an idiot. i wld always feel smth sourish? i dont noe if tts a gd description but yea.. smth feels uncomfortable when im back at home alone, i wld still feel...hmm strange. i guess. no matter how much fun i had, no matter how much i laughed. im stil alone.

ive tried to cry but no tears came out, multiple times, even when im gulping alcohol and blasting tt bloody song into my ears, i felt tt a tear drop was forming. but well, it nv fell.=_= i guess tts mayb good. shows tt i aint tt weak perhaps?

i wanted to b able to live normally w/o being even slightly bothered abt wad ure doing. for i noe tt this is a hopeless 1 sided thingy. but...like a fool i wld still want to find out hw ur life is when ure out of my sight. this cant go on. its..only gonna hurt me more. tt, impossible infatuation gotta stop somewher somehow, somewhat.
anw, ive met you today. like finally, after torturing me for abt a week or so. with ur bloody slow replies claiming tt u were bz. for gods sake, im nt stupid, and its nt difficult to find out. anw, i guess after seeing u, all those unhappiness went away. we..were somewhat able to talk like b4, eat tgt like b4, chill tgt like b4. i...kinda missed you alot. i finally realized. as usual, whenever ure telling me abt some misfortunes tt happened to u, i always listened wif cringed eyebrows, unable to laugh it off like a joke. (and i think tts the same for the other u too, i..cant luff it off like u tried to) k anw yea..it...made me wanted more..i want to b in ur life more.. tho i used the past 9mths? to distance myself frm u... i..wld still come running to u if u called for me. like today.

bahhbahh but oh wels.i...shall keep tt teardrop in my eyes for now. i really realized now.. i..dont love u.like i did. ytd.
=) oh yea and im not really glad tt ure going into tt sector. are u kinda dumb? the world aint as black and white as u presumed u fool. i..really hope tt u will do well and are rly able to stick to ur principles and ur morals all the way. i..rly hope tt somehow somewher, sometime in the future, we'll b able to...get closer again. and if tt time comes. i will not let u go. :'|

okay. i..jus finished an episode of runningman. but theres this weird sensation tt struck me. "ahh i..gotta worry abt tml.." however, to my knowledge, theres nth impt tml.. but yea i shld be looking for jobs and stuff. refusing to grow... refusing to accept tt reality.. aint gonna help me for long. i.. need to fly soon. tts tomorrow's burden. today's worry.

my tomorrow is.. realy unforeseeable and i dont like it.. i hope tt u will somehow contact me when..i miss u the most. erm no not u.. but you yes =) like u always, no sometimes did. hahaha.
i
miss
you.

i will miss you. hope to see u again soon. meh i think ure jus gonna say u aint got the time to spare. asshole.

Hatred.

Hatred is born from the inability to love and to feel loved. I wonder how much of tt is true.
Am not in the best of mood recently as, I... Don't see much point to everything tt i am doing now.
Wad for.? Why.? It's not worth it. Ure ridiculous. Yea all these voices in my head. Are making me irritated. Making me angsty, making me feel like jus screamin vulgarities to the world.

U.. Didn rly helped. U.. Ain't useful. And u.. Srsly jus made it worse. Im tired of giving w/o expecting anything in return. It kinda sux. Big time. But I guess it's me, when it comes to stuffs like this, I became stupid. I become someone who I can't even recognize. Wad. Is wrong with me.

wake up

recently, ive been trying to recall things. den i remb the reasons for the things tt happened. apparently jus in a short span of these 24hrs, ive..kinda received interesting feeedbacks abt myself.? lol wth.

1st theres this singh who came in to my workplace and asked if i want my future to be predicted. he said smth like "bla bla bla... but u think too much". heh, im guessing, thinking too much is a negative thing, so tt bla bla bla shld revolve ard "u haf a gd life, u are good, bla!" heeeehe, so yea tts the thingy
i.. think too much? mayb..mayb? probably. k i will take note of tt

uh den my fren said i was like nervous nervous, and i will try my best to act normal which makes it very awkward? hmm i guess tt could be true but.... thing is, which is me. which is the real me.. act normal? the quiet and observant me? or the retarded me. i duno. nobdy noes. not even u bitch. so ya okay. i will take note of tt as well.?

so i had a dream. it kinda revolves ard the ppl ard me recently. erm ya u. and u. haha as i recalled. the whole dream was kinda boring. as per my reality, however it feels..exceptionally boring cuz when in my dreams, im watching it frm a 2nd or 3rd person's perspective? yea so its exceptionaly wtf.
meh yea its a reflection of my boring life nowadays and yea, some1 told me tt its time to change. i.. always noe tt but..shld i? change, might not be better. might..bring me down instead of up. if i had to risk getting down and hurting myself, of cuz i wld rather stay in this eqm state now.
meh. jumbled up brain .

Heart.

1moredaytoadayttidontreallygiveshitabt! but no, im still gonna after all. haha. out of em. politeness i guess. if only i, haf a bad memory, i wldve been able to remove wadever grief i had and live totally happily. but its tt pain tt helps ppl grow, its tt pain, tt made me...different? heh

oh i am back to me. tt me i guess i wld flip sides each time i gave my heart away, haah so ya its tt turn. im now back to the dark side. (jus kidding.im still a little too nice to the point where i hate myself)

yup so lets cut the chase. apparently, it was for creating a better world for u. but its starting to feel kinda meaningless, and i guess a step too much. too much trouble, too much to pay for on my side, and i dont think ure gaining as much. meh doesnt make sense? its okay cuz it makes perfect sense to me so yea. and i miss that you, wher u will tell me all sorts of stuff abt u, tt happened to u, tt doesnt concern me a slightest bit but somehw, im actually listening and tryin to picture it. hahaa =_= wad happened. i wonder.

i wonder hw much longer i can hold on to this hopeless dream, a dream tt wldn come true, i wonder wads wrong with my judgemental and analytical skills. it..kinda doesnt function really well in this aspect. soooo, we shall see, till the point where my heart, tt was accidentally given to u to stop beating for ur sake. in fact to stop beating totally. ya i guess tts when we say goodbye.

it kinda.sux to walk ard w/o my heart with me.(doesnt matter if u dont understand the metaphor.) SOoooo, till the nxt update. most probably tml yay/

oh a last sidenote.i cut myself today. fk life yea_|_

Last year.

It's kinda bad when I'm enjoying some good music and some alone time, only to hear my mum calling and start yapping over the phone. Totally spoils tt poetic mood.? Hahaha but oh wells. Imma not gonna b too bothered abt it.

hmm so it's July alrdy. Cuz school term starts sep and ends with June so it kinda knocks off my sense of time. In contrast to um, the normal previous kiddish school term tt starts wif jan and ends with dec. hahaha so... How long has it been since then, a year.? Or 2. I can't really tell but I guess the minute details could well be overlooked.
July. A month which I kinda hate. Well cuz it's ur bday month. Errr or rather u and u. Lol screw this shits. Jus thinking back makes me kinda angry, abt how weak I was. Lets see, I guess Im really way stronger than I was since u. back den I was jus a stupid kid who doesn't noe shit I guess ure really happy now which... Is not tt gd for me:| but oh wells tts life, life's unfair so I'm jus gonna suck it up and die at some corner.
Oh okay. Ur turn. K I guess it's a year ago, tt struggle, tt last fight, the ups and downs. I....wonder how u are now but, not tt it's got anything tts gotta do wif me anymore so, imma jus fk it. I've moved on, grown up further, is wad I wld like to say but I ain't too sure abt tt anw. Hahaha. Moved on. I think so.? After not seeing u fr months, I didn feel anything special no more, I think tts wad they call, woot? Uh yea getting used to smth. Yea gd luck to u.
Yup yup abt the growing up part, I.....am rly nt too sure. I was certain tt Ive learnt alot but, I guess I can't change who I am deep inside. I'm tt piece of shit, which will most likely remain as shit no matter how u process it? Blah. Nt makin sense oh well.

july. happybirthday. its okay if u dont rmb. ill keep all those memories with me.thegdonesandthebadones.

i want to.

i want to sleep.
i want to drink.
i want to party.
i want to hold you in my arms.
i want to be happy.
i want to live meaningfully.

but i. didn wanna jus end my day like this meaninglessly.
but i. needa wake up early tml morning for work.
but i. didn haf enuf partying frens to go with me and just let it loose.
but i. didn haf the courage nor the abilities to.
but i. am not doing anything to change it.
but i. am unwilling to step out of my comfort zone tt could change my life.

i.tried to love myself but i cant erase the fact tt i hate myself. its. all abt me. im selfish, cuz there aint no one who wld take care of me if i didn.

random notes.

im fine. living day by day meaninglessly. dafuq am i doing. dafuq am i doing to myself. i dont noe. that unpredictable future, i dont like it. i dont suppose ive written it here right, i dont like things tt doesnt behave/happen within my predictions, expectations. it sux.well that said, wad happens outside ur predictions could bring u unexpected surprise that would u noe, bring unexpectedly intriging results.

but bleh i dont like it. i want things to happen, i dont wanna hope for things to happen. if im making any sense. yea tt feeling, when tml aint worth looking forward to, and that paradox of u being sick of ur current lifestyle but sick of making changes to ur current steady state. what now. stop and stare?

what..am i. what.. do i want. like seriously. cy... i guess im using these time to mayb take a slow pace and start thinking abt myself. me and yea me. at the moment.

sober.

its a quarter after one, im a little...... meh fk it, okay, to be exact its 3:05am to be exact. im a little drunk., meh i aint. if only it took more to get me drunk.

well i ran outta ice first b4 i ran outta mixer or alcohol. =D.
well a random update for my life, hmm now its 3:51am. i.. held off the update till now so tt i wld b less sober to update.

well to be exact, i guess tt ppl wld be more, erm truthful when they are more drunk and less sober.? heh. here i am now. i kinda drank more than i shld and im.. a lil bit.. meh. felt like throwing up. i gues tts where my limit was. as weak as usual. as fked up as usual.
i.. felt bad for myself. i.. cant love wad i loved. i cant do wad i wanted to do. in fact i aint even sure wad i wanted to do.
went back to work at tt same old place wif hope tt i wld be able to create a better workplace for them, since loads of shit went awfully wrong. how to say. in the first place, im not one who wld follow rules to the letter. in fact i love challengin the rules or wadever standard way of doing stuff. however this time, when i went back dere, its kinda sad tt nobdy follows them anymore, well its kinda bad cuz they didn even ensure the quality of the stuff there. as i always said, if u can deliever quality, i dont care wad method u use. im jus interested in the end result.

bleh those ppl. sighh. are jus cutting corners whenever wadever. so sadly, i had to emphasize on like rules? which i hated it to begin wif but them ppl, haf to be get their basics right and someone has to make sure they get it right. yawns. and its got to be me somehow.

i cldve, jus let things roll on its own. i guess nth huge will happen but, i dont like it, if no one bothers, everything crumbles.slowly, bit by bit, why wld i bother, hmmm. mayb cuz i dont like seeing ppl slacking off too much? or mayb jus coz i wanted to keep tt place running properly cuz ure there.

bleh i cant stay for long, and the moment i step outta there, everythings gonna return to tt screwed up situation which i dont like but...argh oh wells ill see how it goes.


kkk nxt issue! hvent met up wif my frens for a long while, theyve been meeting up tho.. like for lame ass lunch at some kopitiam=.= wtf. and playing table tennis? and basketball.. hahah all those shits tt i dont do.. i wanna party all night! and sleep all day but .. my frens arent tt type.. =( i guess i..... shld b alone after all. heh. tts it for now. i guess,

Tomorrowland

Ain't it strange when u dont even understand urself.?
Cause I, really don't understand myself as well, mayb someone else might noe me better than I noe myself, mayb smone could make me uds myself better mayb mayb. Prolly not, heh. Due to the fact tt I prefer hiding my true.? Or perhaps other self.? For I don't even noe which one am I. The angel who's actually evil.? Or the devil who's actually kind. Which am I, I.... Ain't sure.

All these are too difficult to conclude. So I shall jus leave it hanging for now.


Am moody for some reason, i.. can prolly feel my tear glands actually trying hard to produce some tears, but nth is coming out. hmm but i guess my inner soul? Inner self.? My invisible tears, are most prolly coming down like rain. Perhaps, the reason was because my tomorrow wasn't worth waiting for. Perhaps tomorrow is gonna be boring, perhaps tomorrow, I'm gonna feel hurt, I'm gonna feel tired,neutral,angry, empty, lonely.

Them paradox. When I had company, I wished for alone times, when I'm busy, I wished for free time, when I'm free, i wished to haf smth meaningful to do. I guess tt humane. Which, I shld not feel. Whatever the case, I'm gonna live through tomorrow, tho I will most likely not be happy, I hope it will jus be a day in which I won't feel sorrowful.

I will keep my heart. So sry for even trying to give it to u lol. Wad a joke I am.

runaway diary

"Come to me, take my hand, come away with me."

okay let me go back to talk abt the korea trip. heh. well really thankful to my frens for putting in loads of effort and planning out the whole trip. well i guess if it wasnt for them, i wldnt even wanna go to those places. haha i guess its kinda interesting as, i feel tt if i follow them, i wld be able to see things that i havent alrdy seen.

well well. omitting all the details, we erm, walked alot, climbed alot, went to theme parks, took trains, slacked, chilled, laughed and made memories i guess. srsly enjoyed the company( more than the trip itself loL) its kinda saddening to noe tt, we, aint really got chance to do this again anytime soon, and nxt time, i wonder how the trip wldve been like.
and yea, as i predicted as well, i hated shoppin with other ppl. =_= too many voices and i wld end up buying nth.
kk. i missed home.i wanted to live my life again, in singapore, i wanted to come back and after enduring and enduring, i came back. finally. dragging my heavy ass lagguage, my tired body and my backpack. my mums the only one who saw me at the first moment. heh, everyone else is asleep/not at home.
felt, kinda angry well at the same time disappointed? the family, which i missed dearly, the family which i wanted to meet so eagerly, wasnt tt welcoming. its kinda within my expectations as if i was the one at home, i wldnt be too welcoming as well. if u get i wad i meant. so, uh i jus cleared my stuff and slept. life goes on.

slightly regretting going back to work at tt place but, i noe im gonna feel fked up as well if i didn do any stuff and simply rot at home.

meh meh. getting kinda sad now. i sorta graduated (tho not cfmed) and i needa search for a job. and get my driving license which ive been postponing it for. im..kinda lazy.. kinda enjoying? this aimless life.
i needa buck up soon. i will.. start. moving. yea.

"yeah uh uh. in the end you turned away and kept me away, i threw away my pride and i followed you like a crazy person. my heart urged me on and told me not to lose you. i pretended to be fine, i pretended to smile. but this is the last song im singing for u."

uh. good rap grabbed frm a song. lol. guess it if u can

Myself

Nth beats some time alone chilling, not having to entertain anyone else while listening to ur own favorite music. No need to go out of my way to accommodate other people, hah. That wld be nice once in a while. Haa. Well humans are... erm wad do u call tt, group animals.? Heh. Wadever u call tt, I wld need some1 by my side frm time to time as well. Lalala.

K shall get back to the main topic. Hmm so I went for a trip after my exams. My..exams, was kinda horribly done. All the "what if"s all the "I could have"s. doesn't really matter anymore now. So lets jus hope I could get the bare minimum and get out of school as pre planned.

I went to the airport, like on the same day of the flight so my mind wasn't really too ready for a getaway. My body jus followed the flow from day1 till hhaa. Mayb now.? Jus b4 Im going back. Not a fan of rushing here and dere jus to look at all those tourist attractions so I wasn't quite happy during first few days.
Well things got kinda fun when we actually slowed down the pace and we got to crap more and enjoy each others' company more.

Argh. I ran out of inspiration suddenly. So I shall continue when I actually get back home. :|
Oh wells so main point is. IM GOING HOME SOON.! The, end of the worry-less week

can i ....?

felt like bloggin and not getting into last min cramping mode yet. so ytd's paper was kinda, better than i expected. didn expect myself to be able to sit for the whole 3hrs tho.

even as i promised myself tt, i will remove all those emotions, i... still lol.. yea but oh wells. poor response and cold rejection i guess.? la. wads new. hahah wasnt expectin much anw.

so here i am, lazing as per normal. constantly with the thought of... if only i had a little more time. but hey, a few days ago i was like "gahh ill do it tml" sighh. tt paradox.. arhh.

so it seems.. as smth drags on for a tat too long, at some point of time, one wld simply wish for the end to come, in contrast to the original mindset of achieving the best results. for this exam and i guess for every other matter as well. so. i.. just wan all these to enddd as welll =|

aint looking forward to the trip. am looking forward to sleep.. sighh k lets go.....

The Longest days.

ive been really. screwed up. sleeping lazing, slacking.
accidentally, i..am thinking of u. i guess its just a temporal phenomenal. im gonna be okay.
mayb i lied when i said i could erase u totally but..... yea its gonna be gone, one day. after all, im jus being retarded as usual

anyways.. must perservere and must study much later!. grr fight on !


andd... now... im mi551n9 you like crazy. =_= i guess its prolly due to erm. the lack of sleep or the boredom, or the lack of fighting spirit. bleh. but my ego and my sanity is keeping all of my useless feelings in check. saw smth intreresting tho, something which had been shared by millions of ppl alrdy but oh well. here goes:

"The Reality of fear

you are not afraid to love
you are jus afraid of not being loved back

you are not afraid to let go.
you are jus afraid to accept the reality that she is gone

you are not afraid to try again
you are jus afraid of getting hurt for the same reason"

well i guess tts kinda like erm true and quite layman but yea im accepting that. feels tt it applies. ill jus add another point to it?

'you are not afraid of trying harder
you are jus afriad to accept the reality that u cant get it no matter what you do.'

arghh.. still.. fighting... still...resisting. =.= i shall get to sleep.

Why you hatin.

day... wadever i lost count. real real real slack =.= but argh lets hope i can do more later.

as the end comes closer, the urge to work hard dies off. drastically. i think i shld be able to.. argh LETS move forward..!

ah wells i realized tt im able to remove my feelings i supposed. not sure of why but i guess it's prolly because I could sense tt there aren't any feelings coming frm u. Hmm guess it cuts both ways. and if u want a game, i will bring it to you.

feelings.

heh so im left with 2 papers. the main ones. and im at day 2, did nth constructive till date.screw tt and my mind was set into a whirlpool a moment ago, in fact hmm on and off since ytd? lol i hate myself. my brain my heart my feelings, its mine, and mine alone. i didn mean to give it to anyone yet, and not to u. uhhh.. with this, i hope it will serve as a reminder, a reminder that my feelings, my humane side caused me to do so badly last year AND this year. PLEASE WAKE UP.. NO i meant, please..cy... pls.. remove all those unnecessary emotions and stay focused, the end is near, and the fruiit is in sight.

wake up. i need you. the evil, heartless me.

time to fight.

uhhhhhhh my catherine is BACK! wooO sweet mother ;)
yea was referring to my computer hahah. always wanted to update but i guess a blog entry w/o emotions wld be kinda lame. SO its been delayed for quite a while.

and i duno why, everytime im sitting in front of the computer, my emotions, my feelings, dissipated almost immediately.

wad to say. i guess i was rather slightly emotional when it was really time for me to haf my "last day" at the cafe wher i had been working at. after all, tt makeshift family which i created at a whim, was kinda interesting to haf. reluctantly i had to leave becuz my studies are really deeply affected. not to mention tt the place had to rely on 2 incompetent fools. well one lacks common sense and is kinda slow when it comes to things but, oh well at least she's hardworking, so pretty much wont complain much. the other=.= yawns. brief description, weak. in every meaning of tt word =)

well well. its kinda sad tt i accidentally left my feelings dere. uh ill be back tho, so no sorrow. all the fun i had, all the things i learnt abt stuff and abt myself. tho it aint realli useful but, ill still keep everything in mind.!


argh so a few days back, i kinda haf this.. random thought? not realli random but jus felt like plucking off the thorn in my chest. so i tot i wanted to ask u "how are u". well well as usual, ure great at pissing me off =D till the point wherby, i realli exploded. haha not like i scolded sm1 or wad. its jus tt my feelings tt ive kept for so long. my thoughts my reasons my..everything for u flew out. Everything.

i..duno if my feelings actually reached u.. but at least, at the very least ive finally threw it out and not jus, keep it inside me. felt kinda mayb good? but still even i can tell every1 tt i dont gif any single fk no more, i lied. if u asked, i wldve ran back to u like a dog.
u wld think tt i went crazy or im jus drunk, but i aint. i...jus became truthful, rather than trying to hide behind tt retarded face and hide away in silence. bleh bleh. now tt its done. i hope my emotions, will not come out again. let them all die off tgt wif my feelings for u. i wish tt i can be heartless..again=.=... till the nxt person who comes along and make my heart beat again. i wish! sincerely hope so.

so there goes this heartless man back to his life. his reality. MY WORLD.

Dreams

I woke up from my sleep. To realise I'm still in my dreams. Soon, this dream will end and ill open my eyes to a helluva fight. A tough fight. the results of the fight.? Things looked bleak but I will not give up. I nv do.

Tears.

Uh. Smth happened at work today, just somebody feeling awful for Duno wad and jus some asshole customer being an asshole. As usual, didn react at the first moment. Sighh. I wonder y I love watching stuff frm the side so much. Okay okay. Ill change ok.
Saw her teary eyes which kinda hurt me a little. Of cuz I pretended not to see it and jus acted as per normal. Heh. Of cuz I noe tt no one wld wanna show their weakness to other people and sometimes, ppl jus need a lil time to calm down and wipe away their tears.

Tears tears. Probably the 3rd time which I felt affected by that liquid. The sorrow tt I cldnt help, the lack of courage to hold u, um not u but the other u in my arms. That pain, u probably didn felt it but, let me tell u, I'm hurt when I see ur tears.

As a retard, of cuz all the feelings of regret, all the memories which I tried to forget. All the. Stuff came back. This song which represented u replaying in my ears at full blast. In ur remembrance. The tears u shed those days, the pain I experienced, the tears which I tried forcing out but didn. all of it. all of my memOries which i tried to forget by drowning myself with work came back today due to smebody else.

Ahh. My tears, those invisible tears which always flows. Those tears which no one else sees, the true face behind my mask of a clown, the true me, if only anyone bothered finding out. The real me behind those retarded jokes. Will anyone ever see tt.?:/

Anw, Please recover frm tt. U will b able to find someone better and u will definitely be able to lead a very happy life.:) and to u, who caused me so much grieve, I wish, unwillingly, wish tt u are happy now as well.

Jus let me bear all the sadness and Wadever nonsense, ill be able to get through it. Ill live on. I promise.

C to the Y

Heh. C to the Y.basically just my initials, a term to symbolize strength and ultima partying spirit. I Duno how it came about but tts the way it is now.

Having a bad time recently as I'm getting tired and sleepy easily, can't concentrate on my studies for nuts. Uhh. Having strange feelings at home when studying till late( the supernatural type) screw tt shit. I'm the owner of this place, if ure there somewher, get lost. I wanna study here. So here I am, laying on my bed not sleeping cuz I don't wanna give up yet, but... Body's not moving. Heh.

Oh well having some strange dreams here and there while having my afternoon nap today. Abt things tt didn really mattered, Abt ppl who weren't particularly impt. Strangely enuf, I couldn't differentiate between wad really happened and wad happened in my dreams. I was confused enuf to go check thru my stuff so as to reconfirm wads reality and wads not.

Haha so tt explains my fb status "reality and dream intertwined"

Lastly, jus a whisper to a couple of ppl.
Do you, happen to think of me every once in a while? Like how I wld happily share things tt happened between us wif other ppl. Wld u, when ure all alone, remb some of my foolish acts and laugh to yourself.? Pls do, if not, I wld feel so...... Unimportant. Unlike the you in my mind.

And hi. I hope u weren't while at the same time u were referring to me. LOL. Hm I look forward to seeing how this episode turns out and yea, see u soon.:)

Err I guess tts all I wanted to say for now, so lets get up and urgh. Urgh urgh.........

..to be continued....

Happiness. And other shit

I'm tired. All that bullshit abt strength and stuff is just a facade for other ppl, so tt no one else will look at me wif pitiful eyes, no one will tell me to stop Wadever I'm doing. Why isn't there anyone who wld come to me and tell me the thing tt I really wanted to hear. Heh. Oh wells I guess I shldn expect too much frm other ppl. After all, they ain't me, and they're all blinded by my strong outer look.

I've always wanted to be, a symbol of strength, a pillar wher everyone else can lean on when they're tired, and continue moving forward after resting. I don't noe if I fufilled the role but, I really wanted tt.

Uhh heard one of my fren in the clique is gonna get attached soon. I'm really happy for him, tho on the outside I kept sayin bad stuff and all, I'm. Really. Happy for u chan:) please be happy.! Of cuz I'm jealous u assbitch.:))

 I'm gonna work hard for the nxt few days as well..! Pls tap on my shoulders or hold my hands and tell me, uve done well, pls continue working hard if not work harder for that ultimate goal. Lets go

confessions.

been a while, been living in a fantasy world whereby i kept working and working and working and working and not realli studying. gah. screwed up but im gonna jus go to the main topic.

i dont suppose i can say it to anyone, and im dying to say it somewher, so, lets jus do it here =)

to (1)

for a moment, i totally forgot about all the pain uve caused me in the past, naively i thought things could be like before. i wonder if its luck or misfortune. the sight of seeing u.....getting on another guy's car and going on a date with him. that feeling, i remembered so vividly when i saw a guy wif u at the polyclinic. tt pain. tt suffocation, i will never forget.
u didn noe the truth. in fact, no one knows the truth. except for me. the feeling of having a glimmer of hope and tt glimmer that got destroyed by the darkness called reality. welll in everyone else's eyes and ur eyes, u just thought tt im lazy and shit. but you're the reason to all these. you're the cause. of everything.
the drinks, the coffee making, the skipping of lessons.

Drinking to forget you, making coffee cause its your favourite drink, skipping of lessons just so tt i wont need to see you. cuz seeing you, makes me do stupid things.

to (2)
i liked you. you brought some sort of solace to the dark moment in my life. i...had fun.. i smiled and i forgot abt the shit tt happened to me. i was never sure of my feelings, i always thought tt the mytery abt ur background is rather, unappealing. well, only until recently i realized, feelings, doesnt require any reasonings.
we werent meant for each other but, i still want to thank you, mayb its bcuz of u, i was able to get out of tt dark shroud tt almost consumed me. thank you very much. i sincerely hope tt u will be able to achieve happiness in these few years and no assholes will hurt u. please. protect urself well.

to (3)
U're special. i see it in u. many guys will start queuing up to win ur heart and i sincerely hope tt wont change wad u are right now, cuz ure rated A++ now =) u make me regret growing up. its sad tt we're from different eras, if i were ur age, i wldve fallen for u too. but i guess, if i was ur age, i wld jus seem like a pitiful worm crawling ard and probably not even comparable to those charming ppl around you. still, plz, stay just the way u are, and plz, judge a guy properly b4 falling for him. it wld really hurt me if some young dogs hurt u, most probably i wont be able to see it tho but, take care plz.

tts almost done. the truths behind all truths, recorded down.its....finally.......done.

the leaving

finally a post about my wonderful friends.

ytd was  the day whereby 2 of my very close frens going hk for exchange. of cuz, i didn wanted to send them off at first cuz i felt tt im jus gonna be left at the side and rot while they entertain the others(ie, family, gf and stuff) .

But it was till a final supper outing whereby im reminded of all the fun and laughter we always haf during every outing which i always took for granted for. the bunch of uninteresting, boring bunch of ppl always doing the same old things but still, full of jokes and happiness everytime we do boring things. well i guess tts wad happens when we haf a bunch of frens who grew old tgt, hang out tgt. i changed my mind. i remb hw close we are and hw much they wld love to see us there.

at the airport, yea i was partially right, of cuz they were sticking to their gfs and family and almost ignored our existence only until like the last 10 min or so, uh i could understand that, after all, this bunch of frens are like hmm family? whereby the members will still wait patiently for u wif a smile even when u are busy outside with other stuff. and welcome you back happily even tho u are only able to stay for 5 mins. duno if i make any sense but yea, tryta get the meaning.

 another thing tt jolted my emotions was tt i heard my fren's parents were able to recognize us or mayb not me but some other frens, BY NAME and frm when. identifying the primary sch frens...and even those who werent ard. OMG. i wonder if my mum cld do the same thing.

uh and this remark which was made by my fren's mum affected me the most , "i watched them grow up as well" (meaning us, those who were there) tho expressionless, but i was moved greatly. even if we were alrdy adults and are doing slogging our guts out in different aspects in life, its really a great deal tt we were still able to be tgt. to all the extra personnel who were there ytd as well, plz noe ur place. its not the really the years tt counts. its the unique experiences tt we had tgt tt was able to bond us tgt so strongly. so even if u were in the same class, u wont understand u bitch =) _|_

cheers to 11 years and counting,

Nothing.

i guess this will be the only few times whereby im not gonna rant and whine abt life and shit.

im fine. not doing well but, clinging on. works been a bitch, studying's been horrible, youve been a bitch too and tts why im able to cut u off frm my life. yea just stay away.

hmm just thinking abt random stuff lately, uhh you noe, studies, worklife, REST and social life. trying to cope wif all of them is really hard. been trying my best to rid of gg out so tt i cld rest and study harder but apparently it aint helping much. yea i'll try my best to cope i hope

these sentences haf been clinging on the my mind recently. quoted frm "naruto"

goes smth like "this world is full of things that dont go as you wish. the longer you live, the more you realize that reality is just made of pain, suffering and emptiness, wherever there is light there are also shadows. as long as the concept of "winners" exists, there will also be "losers". while hatred is born to protect love."

well its kinda sad tt im actually agreeing to smth written in mangas tt were meant for kids. oh well right now, im full of hatred.and yea, it came frm the desire to love, a casual relationship tt cannot be removed. jus quoting yea. and i hope tt my vulgarities tt seems to be coming out will be contained!!

hur hur quite a boring post eh? at least its not a post full of rants so be happy for me thx =)

gonna be long. been a while after all

hi im back. as usual, mainly just whines.

hmm wher shld i start, prolly ill just continue frm where i left off frm the previous post. yes. i stayed at my job. kinda weak and loserish but i swallowed my pride and took the job back. after all, pride is really nth much compared to cold hard cash. so wad if i lose my pride, if i dont haf money, i haf nth.

yup so after i decided to cont working, ive got excess cash to spare, plus my allowance frm my lovely mum. cant put it in words but im really grateful. uhh ya abt the excess cash, they went off to alcohol for my body. indulging myself in it just to forget abt my woes.
yes, tt kind of sick life, vomiting anywher after drinking too much, hooking up wif random ppl etc etc.

meeting new ppl, having more ppl to chat wif on the phone, appearing to haf more ppl caring bout me. all just a futile struggle of the fool. a simple story to describe these whole series of events:

A fool fell down hard and is covered in cuts and bruises. tried to pick himself up after much struggle, walked forward frm the place he fell at, it felt as tho the wounds haf slowly recovered over time, he smiled amd started running then, at the same spot, he fell again, after moving one whole round to end up at the same spot where he fell at. finally he realized tt he'd been moving in circles and the wounds tt he tot were gone are actually still dere, and this time, he's actually hurt even more badly than before.

LOL and yea, at the end of the day, its like a dream. waking up to realise tt im actually still alone on my own bed.

hahah and yup! here i am! troubled again, to stay or to leave. as usual, w/o anyone to pour my hearts out to, w/o anyone who seems to be able to give me any wise advice. still on my own.
to add on to the problems, while i was almost abt to do more idiotic(actually idiotic is is rather mild, i think i need a stronger word for stupid to describe me) stuff, i wonder wad kind of mystical force actually showed me the truth which i always tried not to remember today. Yes. thanks for tt sincerely, before i fall into tt shithole and get hurt again.

i hate you. because i @#$%ed you too much. way too much.

sighh things i always think abt these few days
why must i laugh even when im so badly hurt inside.
why must i make the extra effort to keep other ppl laughing even when im actually crying inside.
why do i haf to keep helping other ppl and keep moving around even when im alrdy exhausted
why do i keep wanting to be wif my frens when they needed some1 when i myself needed some1 to confide to badly.

why do i haf to face the world with a smile everyday even when i haf so much hate in me.

would there be anyone who would be bothered to rip off this mask of a clown and help me wipe my tears? hurr nah its ok. i'll be fine after whining out here. all these problems troubling me now, i'll jus solve em one by one.

ill be fine. ill be fine. im strong anw, in every meaning of tt word.

till we meet again.

Today.!

Annyeong haseyo! Kyo wa Ore no otanjobi desu ne.!!

Haha had been doing a lot of soul searching these few days. Cuz I was really cOnsidering whether I wanna stay for he job or not. Wif no one to confide in wif no one to Advice me, I'm literally on my own. The present I wanted to give myself this year was supposed to be "freedom".
But apparantly, I chose to stay(for awhile) I was nv really able to make a choice. I really wanted to spend more time to study and relax myself and stuff. But my financial accounts were telling me not to. While I'm always very depressed when I haf to go to work since I've lost my "prince" position.:( haha used to call myself prince since my colleagues will really suffer if I chose not to work and since I'm like one of the most experience workers ard, i felt tt I was really indispensable.

Well, things changed, owner changed many things changed. My presnce felt small and insignificant. All them managers wif a few yrs of experience came pressing me due to the fact tt my boss decided to hand over ownership. U noe wad it feels like.? I'm like a loyal warrior serving the same country but to a different ruler. Haha I noe it's kinda funny but ya, warriors from the previous dynasty shld take their retreat eh.? Am I wrong.?

Well things holding me back are generally money. While things pulling me away.? So damn many reasons. Well well after announcing tt I wanna leave suddenly, I spoke to one of e managers and damned, my heart swayed. I chose to stay throughout the week and I foresee tt I'm quite interested to staying longer. Zzzzzzz=.=. Well we'll see how this scenerio turns out.!

ME.

Was feeling really really horrible 2days ago when I knocked off frm work.

Haha was really unhappy abt a lot of stuff recently and the main reason tt ticked me off was bcuz of this colleague of mine, to b exact, superior, whom didn manage to earn my respect kept picking on stuff which I didn do well. URE RIGHT. Totally right. I'm a really lousy employee. I duno why I haf the cheek to talk back and even ignored all tt she said but, I somehow reacted to my instincts. So I jus showed some attitude and went home.

I was really angry abt a lot of things, I wont say tt she is not at fault totally but, I deserve to be shot and I'm really at fault to a greater extend. I didn really noe wad caused me to lose my temper(to b honest, I'm actually quite good at controlling my temper) but, yea I totally lost it recently. I did some reflection on my way home tho. At first I was thinking, "why am I always in this situation. Why do I always haf to work under ppl who don't deserve my respect". Den suddenly,I tried to recall if there is any of my superior in which I really showed respect to. I'm thinking, probably none. Which could seriously mean tt the problem lies wif me. "I am not as good as I thought I am. And I don't show proper respect to any1 and tt is why, I'm always so fed up wif my job" and so it led me to think tt mayb it's the same wif my life. I'm really hating a lot of things in my life, my job, my frens, my family. Like I wld always feel tt they haf some bad points which I really hate. But I'm still living wif it but not feeling really happy wif tt.

Am I expecting too much? Am I worthy enuf to expect so much frm ppl, why am I so unhappy abt my life. Do I really hate these things ard me.? Or do I hate myself tt I trapped myself in these horrible shit. Ya, the more I think abt it, the more horrible I feel, jus den, u msged me. LOL. Like oh wow, needless to say, I felt better after talking to u. Tho I didn wanna let other ppl noe of all the problems I'm facing but, jus talking abt all the unnecessary stuff wif u made me happier. Tho it's like a short and sweet dream, thx anyway.

Ya special thx to AS who talked abit wif me as well. Haha was really at a very low point den but, perhaps I jus wanted to talk to sombdy. Anybdy. Oh wells now, I will try my Best to welcome tml wif a smile. I'll really.. Try. Please lemme b happy.!. 

Moving on

its been um a week? since i last contacted u.yea and u didn bothered keeping in contact wif me as well. im realli surprised tho. how did u managed to live on so well, how did u manage to make me fall so deep for u w/o u feeling anything for me. haha. life sux right?

1 argument could be, ure also waiting for me to take the initiative while the other is tt u jus felt tt "phew wad a relieve, this piece of shit is finally away frm me"
well well its better to be the pessimist now. ill jus um, take the defensive move now alright, to prevent myself from being hurt further.

prolly 1 thing worth mentioning, hmm i duno when it is, one of the days last week i suppose, i was, as usual, drinking the shit out of the beer and stuff, i randomly whatsapp lai**. =) ya a nice girl who realli, kinda saved me. was drowning myself in the sea of anchor and realli drinking the shit outta myself,and somehow, she stopped me. den i realized. the reason i fell for her was bcoz when she talks, she sounds like lai**, who realli managed to make me smile, no matter how screwed up i felt.

hmm sadly lai** didn reply me the nxt day and u didn as well. but, i realli wanna thank u. lai**. u reali saved me tt night. thank you so much. annnnnd ! im gonna go back to my drunk state! byebye! hah

the sequel

uhh. nth special but jus an update about my life. i strongly believed that i shldve updated some weeks or days back but apparently it seems to b abt a month ago.

okay! umm basically i went back to some place to work. uh kinda dumb but tt place was my previous workplace and since they're permanently short handed, i jus went back in. w/o much of a hassle. reason as to why i went back.=.=personally, i realli dont like working there. hwever, i felt tt rather than wasting time at home slacking while i wait for employers to call me, i wld rather start working part time somewhere and earn some $. nt forgetting tt i realli hope tt 1 day, u will drink the coffee tt i made and tell me tt u liked it.=/ DUMB RIGHT? but oh wells. perhaps tts my personality, u cant change it. the naivety.

i saw smth interesting somewher "the hardest choice is to choose between giving up or trying harder". (if im not wrong) yea. applies here. however, "Failing after trying ur best hurts so much more than simply giving up." cuz it totally denies urself, u cant do it even if u gave ur best. rather than having the mentality tt "i cldve done it if i tried harder but i chose to gave up cuz its too much of a hassle". yes, tts escaping from the reality, not facing the challenge but, if there is a very high chance tt u are gonna be hurt more if u try harder, why not jus, u noe.
ya pardon me if u do not understand any single part i wrote above. try reading it a few more times and u might jus understand wad im tryin to imply.=)

yup. now im still at the decision phase but my body aint realli listening to my mind. it is still trying so hard to do all those nonsense that might jus yield absolutely NO RETURNS. well well, lets see how it turns out den, mind vs body. will update again soon!

p.s. each time after meeting u, i feel little further from u, but i feel more attracted to u by the second.=/

(if u noe wad i mean)

i have returned.

so i had my last paper today. things didn go smoothly but i did wad i could and.. we'll leave the rest to fate. but wad ive been dying to say aint anything tt gotta do wif exams( at least not directly)

Have u ever thought of how things would haf been if some1 didn jus appear into ur life suddenly? i did. she jus suddenly came into my life. at first, i wasnt realli interested but , unknowingly, something attracted me more and more AND MUCH MUCH MORE. It is something on the inside. the character, the personality, the real thing tt made me lose all my resolve, my pride, my sanity perhaps.

Jus a lil gesture frm you tt may seem like nth, but it really shook the deepest part of my dead heart. i nv believed tt it wld be able to accept any1 else yet, u went in, and took a very impt place in this heart which managed to be resusitated.
the time spent wif you was realli like a dream. a really sweet 1. if im not wrong, i dont think any1 haf ventured so deep into me. ure adventurous, uve realli explored an uncharted horizon. i totally fell, for u. TOTALLY, so much so tt i didn mind putting down my pride jus to please u, to prevent u frm ignorin me. many things which used to b so impt to mi, totally dont anymore.
im sure tt things will really b different if u didn appear. i would haf stepped into WCC. i wldn ever get a SB card. i wld nv b so eager to go back and make coffee(wif hope tt u will drink it) i would haf been able to do much much much better( if my assumptions were correct) in my exams. tho i haf got so many complains, but still, i felt tt it shld be worth it.

HOWEVER, things always dont haf good endings, at least not for mi, my stories always ends as a joke, a comedy, a failure. tho im not sure abt many things, but i do trust my senses this time(tho i srsly pray tt im wrong) i feel tt, there is some1 else in ur heart.
this realli feels heartwrenching. which is also smth tt realli bothered mi for SO FREAKING LONG. who is tt guy. wad a lucky asshole disgusting piece of shit. ZZzz.

arghhh today marks the end of the dream tho, the one whereby i haf all the legitimate reasons to meet u. nw i dont haf it anymore and i think u wont take the initiative, much as i dont haf to courage to face it. WELL! I HOPe tt we will realli haf a chance to get much closer and i realli wanna be urs. ok sry, i wan u to be MINE. BUT..=.= oh wells we shall see then

Ivy Landy Yvonne.

good evening

good evening ppl. im a week away from my nxt 2 consecutive papers but im troubled by... yea =) troubled cuz of all the uncertainties abt u. troubled abt my exams, troubled and w/o my frens with me.

i cant bring myself to face the fact, i cant bring myself to say it out to my frens as well, since it makes me looks weak. i always tot tt i shld be strong enuf now. but perhaps, ppl jus dont change whenever it comes to this. i felt as tho im back into tt loop. tho i shld be used to the loniness by now, however tt glimmer of hope which is shone on me due to ur kindness made my heart started moving again. *im a little exaggerating here but ohh wells. not realli for ppl who noes me to see this so haha-

argh damn. i lost my feelings cuz of some distractions. ohh well ill jus end ard here. conclusion, im realli uncertain abt our future, i duno how u feel abt mi, but i suppose if i successfully transmitted my feelings into ur heart ( i would say brain wld be technically more correct but haha oh wells=) ) i would haf no regrets, and if u were not able to reciprocrate my feelings for u, its ok, i will jus live wif that pain on my own. i shld be fine... i.. shld be able to.. take it. :')

Reason

Brief update on life so far. Haha. For some reason, I feel breathless, powerless and tired. No worries tho, jus tryin to get a breather thru this way. Somehw it feels kinda difficult to breath. Jus feel like lying down and not doing anything, too tired to try, to fight, to endure.

Lalala! Not really serious!! Haha was at work. And am bored to tears and thus thinking of things to do. Zzz hmm am kinda lagging behind academically and ya i kept escaping away from reality wif all sorts of excuses. Damned. Wonder how I will do this year but. I'm so gonna pick myself up! Soon.

nth impt

nth realli impt. jus a random idea struck mi and i thought its quite meaningful(to mi at least) , so i guess i shld write down smwher.

mayb in a parallel universe, i was braver had already acquired happiness. mayb things were different over there and the 2 of us are happily together. Not jus u living in happiness but not mi.

haha. cant realli recall the exact idea when i started typing it down and apparantly its nt good at all. oh well, will try to recall or think of a better 1 in due time. tata

Slack on

Hihi. Well, life's nt great. Hmmm, nth much has changed for the better but, less the facttt Habiibul too slack with my studies, all is well.

Having this strange insomnia since whoever noes when, nth to do and laid down on my bed trying hard to slp but cldnt. Screw this seriously. Hahahaa damn it, had some wonderful wise quotes in my mind earlier but I kinda forgotten all abt them alrdy... Lemme recall.. Ahh!!

Ok not having wise quotes actually, jus remb smth to bitch abt... Hmmm yea, been wondering abt smth vexing, m I too full of myself or m I having the correct thoughts. Y is it tt I'm always always working for ppl whom I deemed as a less capable human? Or rather, y m I always taking instructions from ppl who are less capable than me, y is my world always like this?!

Thinking back... Since army times, I take instructions from Olvl grad, unrecognized diploma holder, a strange m**, and blabla. All of which I deemed as inferior to mi. I grind my teeth in vexation. Cursing and swearing into my pillows in frustration. I was always unhappy wif things, always wanting to prove myself to b superior. But, I didn think tt I succeeded at all.... I left wif unhappiness but oh well.

Moving forward, I worked under a bunch of unsophisticated aunties afterwards, who cared nth much more than gossiping , backstabing every1 and enduring till 530pm everyday. I didn feel anything then but I certainly wasn't feeling VERy happy.

Nxt I worked undera few **enahs. Whom I totally didn give a damn abt, nxt, I worked under a *****pino stucked in a storeroom. Then, a group of strange, uneducated uncles who thought tt they are the heartbeat of a great organization( nt forgetting to add on, having ultimately poor sense of judgement and organization but excellent in covering backsides, not)

Lastly, I'm working under some strange dude hu can't speak eng fluently, talks to himself almost for the whole day, gets flustered easily and to top it off, loves criticizing other ppl and perpetually failing to look at his own capabilities. Also, a ********pino who is easily daunted, can't speak properly, loves pushing the blame to others.

Phew quite a long list over there. Looking thru, there are only 3 possibilities,

(1) I'm severely overestimating myself, they Are more than qualified to order me ard

(2) this is the only kind of job tt will employ this kind of lousy job applicant(me)

(3) I've been really unlucky to be unable to find a good job with good superiors who deserve my respect

Well well, I'm sure I will be able to answer tt in due time. Till then, I will cling on to life.!!!

C

Ahh much whining donee. Gonna try gg back to slp bb!!

up to the date.

ahh. been a short while and am updating cuz i cant slp.

hmm where was i? ok my contract wif the resort worlds sentosa ended w/o much of a high note and i definitely didn leave wif a smile. but nonetheless, looking back, jus a job =)

kk so i got back my results and done my course registration and stuff, am looking forward to the new start of the school term! not.

haha just kidding myself, i hate studying seriously. i love doing nth, but i always regret after tt=/ ohh well contradictary, tts humane nth more nth less.

a short update on today, watched the dumb movie called Lao niu chi nen cao, as mentioned earlier, its a dumb movie wif a dumb main lead but was kinda saved by the female lead. hahah the story plot is very dumb as well. BUT i wonder why, i kinda, got dragged into the movie as in, i felt as tho i took a tour in tt created virtual world and i left reality for an hour or so.

been a while since i had this feeling but i haf to say it doesnt feel good cuz i noe im in another world, this world, which i kinda hate. but its a lil refreshing if i really gotta put it in words.
well well, strange phenomenal ( yea i looked up the dictionary to spell this word)
hmm not much of inspiration to write today so...tts it for now. laters.=)



random sad notes: with the mood to chat and talk abt my life, without the partner to do so=) jus great. hahaa