Living and let live

wad it's a week after my last paper. Didn manage to study a lot last week due to lots of reasons here n dere wif loads of random spendings. Mega tired last night for some unknown reason and I fell aslp at like 9pm.? Hah. Jobs. Oh jobs. I haven't looked thru it yet eh. But well, mayb... Soon.? Tho time is not on my side this time ard. But still, i strongly believed tt gd things are worth waiting for. If smth is chose due to a moment of impulse (w/o knowing the other options fully) one is bound to regret tt decision sooner or later. so yes. It's gon wait for a while.

I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to.

Oh so abt my new workplace.. Things are pretty.. Normal. I hope things won't escalate downwards coz u noe, it's nt rly tt fabulous as of nw. Ppl were saying abt all the politics there and stuff but, I didn get to hear any so... U noe, if u didn hear anything abt other ppl, means they are talking abt u, or they are jus nt talking abt u. Lol. Tho it might sound pretty stupid but to specify, I meant tt they are talking bad abt u behind ur back or ure jus transparent in their eyes. Nowher close to friendship and stuff. But regardless. I don't belong here anw, I'm jus a temporary presence in tt dimension tt is bound to disappear someday soon. No probs. sry if I caused u any trouble, I jus wanted to stay low profile and jus keep out of everyone's way if possible heh.

Nonetheless, it's jus my 3rd day here so. Neh mayb I'll be able to haf a gd relation wif them or, I'll jus leave before tt happens. I'll do my best and, yup, stay out of stuff. Teh heh.:)

Tsk must.. Study.! LOL screw my lazy ass. Tsk

How long has it been

Wad...3days.? Sure did seem like helluva time to me. But nt rly. I didn rly did much these days. Wells yes went to work on tue.. tt wasn't particularly pleasant but.. I'll Tryta get used to it yea.? Heh, and ummm. Oh I bought my family a pretty.. Nice.? Some overpriced bak kut teh. But well ok. I rly do needa thank my family for Wadever support they gave me. Tho I can't rly think of any atm, perhaps not getting in my way or raining harsh words on me helped pretty much. I won't say tt they don't depise me for failing, but at least I didn hear their negative comments so it's nt tt bad. I'm totally fine wif ppl not helping, and I'm rly thankful if no one stood in my way. And they didn so I'm glad.? Kind of.

Heh. Studying wasn't rly going too well these days. I'm super sleepy in the day for some unknown reason. But well. I rly gotta buck up frm tml onwards.? K mayb sat. Hahaha. Cuz I'm working tml. Ugh tt very thought kinda disgusts me to a great extend. Wel fine.

Anw, been restraining myself pretty hard these days. It's for the greater good. Even if u can't see it now, mayb someday u will uds. If u bothered to look back wif a more matured mentality. It was a mistake to begin wif. It wldve been ideal if the seed of future problems are weeded out b4 it grew deep roots. So yea. I hope I can do so frm my part too. The lonliness tt I'm handling.. Ain't rly helping. Argh argh. Yea k fk it. Lol

Side note: had a rly weird random dream today. It felt surreal. And left me wif some lingering sorrow. But tt won't affect me since I'm so so so different frm back then  I've alrdy matured into.. Well not. Ive always been like this since then. The only thing tt changed was the distance between us. So. I'm gon wipe tt part of memory away I guess.

"Delete."

begining

everything tt has a beginning has an end, when one thing ends, another thing begins. slightly looking forward to it yays.
so its like this, im done like for real this time. wif my uni studies. and much as i wanna to talk abt all those sad stuffs tt happened before tt led up to this moment, i decided not to. cuz i dont think tt there are any wrong decisions. cuz, as a door shuts, another door opens. i dont think i rly wasted this year, i see smth more than living life and jus barely surviving. now.. i see it. i want to do well. i want to shove shit into ppl's face. i wanna step on their bloody heads. and tt shall be my motivation to wanna do well. heh =)

so yes. my future..seems slightly clearer now, at least i haf a direction tt i wanna go to. so yup. heres to a new beginning. and the end of other things. i hope.

lost no more.

Limit.

So I was thinking why am I so unable to concentrate ytd even after I showered and drank coffee. So I guess tts where my mental limit is. Or rather the limit of my "brain". While my mind is dead set on studying, I can't concentrate, can't absorb, can't comprehend. So my body moved ard to help stimulate my brain but alas, even with all those external stimulants. It didn work. I slept.

And even now, I'm barely awake. Tiredness. This sucks pretty much cuz it has nth much to do wif willpower. It ain't smth like "I will definitely learn smth if I sit here staring at this for 2hrs" so it sucks.
Well.. At least tt help me wif smth. Like it provided a gd feedback and I guess if I noe wad is wrong, I can improve on it.
My willpower is strong, but theres only so much my brain can take.
.
.
.
And so I'm continuing after my paper, how to say, I'm pretty lucky.? The qns looks pretty familiar to me. Like the ones tt I somehow focused on, how Lucky can I be. So well still tired as shit. Won't say tt I'm gon score well but... At least it's nt a horrible paper wher I start cursing all the gods for pulling a fast one on me while I'm doing the paper. And no, wasn't thinking abt wad I shld haf for lunch too. Heh so.. I think it's a gd one. One interesting thought flashed through my mind tho ,"oh it's been abt 1 hr and I'm tired, can I jus stop now"

Teh heh.
"Time was your only ally, but now, even it had forsakened u."

On the way

Currently am on the way to the airport for a long awaited getaway. :))
Not.
Going early to study probably since.. Singapore' traffic is pretty scary during the peak hours tt I Duno extends frm wad time to wad time. Cuz according to my experience, normally work starts at 8+9.? But some how the crowd is still pretty scary at 9++. So wad exactly are those ppl, i don't noe, I'll find out soon.?

So yes, took an early bus ride and Mrt ride to avoid the crowd. The long train ride was supposed to let me haf a good slp to make up for my lack of it. Haven't been sleeping well for q a while now. But I can't seem to b able to fall aslp atm so I jus stoned. While at the same time thinking and planning out my future. At least what to do for the nxt few mths. I was so engrossed in thinking abt the future tt I almost forgot abt the present. I guess tt happened to me pretty frequently these days. I think so much abt my future tt I... Forgot tt I haf to get thru this exam first no matter what. So.! Yea I'm back to reality wif a snap of the fingers. Argh. It's... Gonna be so tiring today and tml... And the nxt few days but.. I'll try my best to move my burnt out body.. To study..

Let's go cy.

Gloom.

Yay.! So I finished one major paper today.! And it's pretty much a job pretty okaylly done. Lol. Not.

Hah. Well I'm rly glad tt I had helluva good start but, apparently this paper was like way easier than last year's paper. A part of me was thinking damn this shit, if this came out last year, I wldnt haf had to take again this year, y didn they set smth harder so tt I can shine better,( well cuz I've studied q abit of those hard qns, non-standard types) but well, since I'm able to do this paper pretty well, and all I hoped for was a pass, I shldn be too upset abt anything yea.?

Tt aside, had some trouble trying to slp last night cuz of prolly caffeine.? Or exam stress, so I went to read my own blog post frm Many years ago cuz I was thinking if it's alr the 10th year tt I'm blogging, lol. But nope, 9years and counting. Heh. Anw  I noticed the Trend of the contents of my blogs tho, it gets... Gloomier as time goes by. I wonder if it's the same for everyone else but, perhaps:

(1) tt cuz ppl started experiencing more unhappiness and their whole character gets darker as they grow old, well growing up in this harsh world ain't ez.

(2) perhaps my purpose for blogging changed over the years.? Well apparently it was first created to let ppl read abt my life happenings.? Then blogging started losing the heat among my peers, ppl stopped blogging. I wonder if it's a worldwide trend or it's jus tt ppl stop doing tt when they grew older. Well I restarted blogging cuz... I was bored.? Lol yea cuz I had nth to do at work wif a comp and internet in front of my face. So.! Blogging to me now is like a platform,? For me to express all my unhappiness, prolly jus a little bit of happiness.( nt many gd things happens to me anw) ya. Expressing my pent up anger since.. As an adult, I can't rly jus go rant and curse and swear at Wadever unhappiness tt I'm facing yea.? Learnt to tolerate, learnt tt somethings are fine even if they aren't ideal. Unhappy but, change wasn't rly necessary.
So ya. Perhaps tts y my entries get darker and darker

So.! Tt said, perhaps I shall jot down stuffs tts happy.? Hah. First paper wif greatest weightage is done and I think I did satisfactorily.? If there's this word.
And I finally got to play band hero wif my bro. Tho.. It didn't rly bcome v fun prolly cuz of my fatigued body, but.. Loved it. Heh.

Urged to escape.

K so I managed to wake up earlier today and dragged my ass out of my hse like 1.5hrs earlier.? Which was nice. Somehw I loved how quiet and cozy it is in the morning since there's no animals running ard and making a lot of noise. No I'm not studyin in a zoo lol. But u noe, kids are pretty much like animals, untamed wild creatures who barely gif a damn abt what ppl say, who don't rly care abt wad the world is like and such. Well, we were all wild animals to begin wif, jus tt after a hell lot of evolutions over the thousands of millenniums, Homo sapiens tot of taming other living objects, but well, ironically, the first thing tt they tamed supposingly was themselves. Den, everything else.

It's kinda weird tt after so many millenniums of like evolution, we made hell lots of things and changed how the world looked totally, manipulating things as tho we were gods, but well, humans created nth. Creating something prolly means making something out of nth, so yea. We're nt tt great, jus... Arrogant creatures.
Oh wad I wanted to say was, we made so many changes to everything ard us, but nth much changed within us. Still.. Trapped in this fragile physical body tts so ez to destroy. Perhaps tt shld be our nxt direction for a great revolution. Changing ourselves instead of the things ard us.

Well if ure thinking what's tt gotta do wif anything, I'm jus taking this time to think abt everything else tt doesn't concern my studies lol. Cuz I hate knowing my limitations, cuz when I'm looking and doing practice qns, I feel.. Helpless. My brain can't comprehend what's written there, even if I was able to comprehend smth, I can't remb it. So tt sucked. Nonetheless I'm nt gonna gif up. Cuz I can't. So.. I'm jus letting my brain, my mind, escape all these for a little while.

Heh, so... Ok time to return to my world.

Here. Fear. Near.2

So it's coming. Theoretically it's gon be ez cuz u noe, since I've had more than enuf time to study,( supposingly) but.. The more I study the more I understand the module, the more I understood the depth of it. Like, it's so deep tt I can suffocate if I haf to understand the whole module. Whatever theorem I understood always didn come out,  or it wld be me forgetting how to regurgitate out the same theorem. Tts pretty depressing.

Especially when.. Uve seen failure once and u noe how scary it is, and how ez it is to fail. Issues are starting to pile up, money, career, studies yes, human relations etc, while they are pretty much linked, a huge lump of my life is pretty screwed up nw, being strong.. I'm tryin my best to contain all these problems but.. It's.. It's quite abit much to bear at this moment. Wif no one to share it wif, wif so many other things tt needs to be done.. I'm tired. I'll prolly feel better in a few hrs time but... This moment.. I rly need smth. Smth tt can help me move forward.

Yea. And I'm getting cracked just by some random minor issue tt jus happened. Tsk fk me.

Fear is near, it is.. Here.

Just one yesterday.

Do u feel haf tt feeling whereby, u saw someone who kinda resembles somebody u haven't seen for a while, and u somehow understood tt ya, "tts definitely not her" but u can't help to take multiple glances and it kinda warms u inside.

Though I noe tts not u, but jus another look will remind me of u, and it makes me feel abit happier.

Heh. Well. Tt aside, haven't been able to slp well recently and have been thinking q abit abt my future... Tt seemed abit far off since.. What I want to do is most likely not wad I'm very knowledgeable in. Wif a lot of thoughts of "argh.. I shldve done this last yr, I shldve done tt earlier etc.." Tt didn help me to slp better.

Had a little beer at my bro's hse ytd. In which I rly don't feel like going cuz I haven't done a lot of studying ytd but... I can't rly say no to my bro. Lol since.. He's like very happy tt we're interested in gg over. I can prolly guess why, putting myself in his shoes.. After taking care of kids like everyday, seeing us and crapping wif us wldve felt so refreshing lol.

Ain't it the same for everyone else.? Since young u will want a house, a car of ur own. But when u finally haf it, u will want to see ur family every once in a while. Which... Most likely won't be the case.  Since, u noe, ure living in another house now and any sane person won't be visiting ur hse like every other day, other ppl haf their own things to do as well u see. Heh. So yea, don't be too eager to move out of ur hse, independence and freedom is most frequently accompanied by lonliness and realization of the importance of ur family, tt is if u haf a normal family.

K tt aside, slept for damn long today, damn tt beer.. It made my body so attached to my bed.-__- woke up at like 1140 wherby my lesson is supposed to be at 12. .. Well there goes my last lesson. Tsk. Nonetheless, I'm gonna rly Hafta.. Rly study. ArghHgH.! Fk me. Must.. Concentrate. •_•

Here. Fear. Near.

I've had many thoughts but apparently every single thought is nt sufficient to be blog worthy heh. So today I'm jus gonna write bout some consolidated thoughts ok.? Ha.

First topic: DADs

I meant fathers lol.  Well.. Apparently my bro is carrying tt title now and I felt rly.. Weird. Like the brother who sent me to school on a bicycle, the brother who's feet smells like salted fish after soccer, the brother who argued wif me abt all those stupid stuffs is actually a father now. Tt... Kinda.. Seem pretty hard to sink into my mind. Well he's got problems on his own too, being a father is nv ez. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and prolly my dad's shoes, it totally felt bad. Well... I tried putting it in words but apparently i.. Can't. Hahaha anw, dads are.. Sad. LOl. I totally feel tt my dad is an asshole for like 10+ years. And I don't think how it feels to be treated as an asshole for so long by ur own child.. If u noe wad I meant. While I don't think tt my father loves me less than my mum, but the difference in terms of closeness is.. Heh, pretty much different.
Yea I'm gonna try to work on tt and well. Hope my bro will be able to do well. JIAYOU PLS.

2nd: Love.
Well. Love is such a weird thingy. U can love a lot of ppl in ur life but u can only be wif one person at the end of the day. Being tgt ain't smth abt jus the 2 of us. I.. Always knew it but..I guess it's only when u get older den u will really be bothered abt all these. Like, how ur frens feel, how ur parents feel, how will her frens and family feel. All of it starts becoming an impt point when it comes to choosing ur partner. The feelings between the 2 of u is alrdy mre than enuf.? Think again.
It's such a troublesome issue to me. As.. I hate goodbyes. No matter how many times it is.. There will be these ultra indescribable feel of lost when u haf to hold back ur tears and tell the other person who.. Might be crying tt u cAnt be tgt anymore. We cannot make more happy memories tgt anymore.. We haf to disappear slowly and agonizingly frm each other's lives. Even tho time heals all wounds.. But.. The idea of having to go thru it again is... Rly... Not very welcoming.
As I've always said recently, I'm better off being there for everyone else other than belonging to one person. I.. Love myself and the freedom much more after all.

3rd: Fear.
I suddnly realised.. Why do I haf so much fears recently.. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of losing smth tt I cherished, I.. Am totally weak. Shall I jus cast aside all those fear and jus go wif it.? Many of u wldve tot tt shld be the best way out but... On the contrary, I felt tt sufficient fear is pretty helpful. Because u fear of failing, u will wanna work hard so tt ur fear will not come true. Fear of being judged will make u wanna make urself looking perfect in front of other ppl while covering up all ur shortcomings, I suppose they call this "image". While the fear of losing something.. Makes u make the effort to make sure it stays.

I hope I'm clear Enuf wif the topic on.. Fear.? But I suppose I'm fearing wayyyyy too much so... I guess I shall.. Try to rid of some of em and go ahead in all the challenges in life. I suppose I won't die from those and, being cliche, wad tt doesn't kills me makes me stronger.

I don't intend on jus lying down there and look away frm other ppl's eyes of disdain. I'm gonna stare into their eyes wif such power and make them avoid my eyes.

Alright.. Gon go back to studying.

Insomnia.

I nv tot I wld haf this kind of problem since I'm totally the sleeping monster. Like someone who can totally slp for 10++ hrs w/o problems.
So yea I can't slp again. While I'm trying to study I feel so lethargic and can't even seem to focus my eyesight, so I chose to slp, but well, nth of tt sort happened so. Might as well blog abt smth.

Haha these few days has been pretty Uneventful wif all those ppl graduating and stuff,  I don't feel q happy abt it. so ya. totally can't seem to concentrate for Wadever fk reason. So yea ok. I'm trying my best to keep myself to myself so... It's... Not very ez but I'll try.

so ya uve got first class honors? Hahaha I think so but well... Gd for u.:) remb 1/2 of it belonged to me ok. Bleh.. I rly wonder how uve been nowadays but.. Haha I guess I don't haf the need to find out abt u, nor the right to. Same for u. As in the other u.

Along the way.. Ive removed so many things tt may disrupt my mood, namely frens. Haha cuz I totally don't like telling ppl how fail I am. So... To all those ppl who seemed to b cut off frm my life.. I promise. I totally promise u tt ill get it back I'll get all of u back into my life after these is over and after I... Settle down ok..? As for those who were wif me nowadays.. Thank u so much.

But life is unfair, if u ain't gon be useful to me in the future, hehe. Ya ill try my best to keep in touch wif u ppl ok.? Lol


So.! Main point being... To my uni frens.. And my jc frens and sec sch frens, I'll come back to find all of u.. After these is over... And after I got my life back on track.! Ok.?

Fast

Last week seemed to pass by so slowly, while this week seemed to haf been over in just a flash, needa go back to sch soon, like tue.?

Well.. The exam mood is coming up again but... I'm spending so much time slacking, dreaming, sleeping, playing games, etc. Bleh. See how it goes yea.

I belonged to everyone. I belonged to myself. No other one person shld haf the privilege of having me unless I gave u the permission. Understand? No.? Well ok.

My own world

So I think i jus realised smth impt ytd. By eliminating a lot of my frens frm my circle and keeping only a few left, it seems tt I've successfully created a small world of my own.

A world which I feel comfortable wif. A world, I didn wanna get out frm. It struck me ytd when I finally met up wif my frens, it's been a while and ya they are concerned abt me and all. Since I haven't been all tt truthful and all. I can't face it properly yet. Tt look of disdain, heh, I don't think anyone can get used to it eh.

So... I suppose it's time tt.. I step out of my world, open tt door which I shut it so tightly. Well... Goodbye to u.. I'm sry abt tt but if ure able to look frm a broader point of view, I'm trying to hurt us both and for ur greater happiness. I hope things work out the way I wanted.

I hope u won't be too hurt. I haf to do this.

For peace.

How long has it been. A week and erm 2 days.? Heh, it certainly felt kinda long to me since I'm not doing much these days.
Prolly an update on life in case no one noes what I'm up to these days. Haaha everyday was spent rather peacefully for me. Since... Lessons will resume on April and I'm outta job and all. Money is kinda becoming a problem lol. Things started looking expensive and I'm rly trying to reduce my spending as much as I can but.. Well, things still happen, spendings still occur:| even tho I rly thought I did well this week.

Studying has been quite.. Not productive these days tho, since I wanted to save money and tried to stay home as much as I can. The bed, the comp and everything else is so... Tempting to me. Lol
Oh and.! I've resumed cycling, hahaha tt bike has been hanging there for so darn long and dust and dirt and dead leaves had been accumulating dere.-__- welll I took the effort to.. Clean up. So it's nice, good to go. Yay. All that in an attempt to reduce the amt of fats in my body lol. Yea u didn see wrongly, I felt tt I'm getting fat in some ways. Zzz

Namely the abdominal region. So.... Going thru some diet control and exercise routines. It felt kinda... Bad but well saves money too. So it's a 2 birds wif 1 stone ya .?
Uh tts abt all for now.

Going past the places which reminds me of u. Makes me feel funnily stupid n I can't help but think y was I so foolish, but well even wif tt said, I guess I wldve done the same if the same situation occurred again. 

Peace out.

goodbyes..2

slightly late. hmm 2 days? well.. finished work on thur and... was drinking happily on the night itself and slept for the nxt few days. heh

okay so i recieved a couple of thank you cards and stuff which is supposingly q sweet but... well... ok. i haf ppl whom ive nv seen b4 coming to tell me wad a pity tt this place is closing down and all. it simply felt like a sarcastic scorn. well did i mention it b4? but uh. this kind of ppl are... not worth entertaining.
fond memories.. reluctance to leave, a place full of nice memories tts gonna disappear. i wonder how it feels. uhh am kinda glad tt i actually worked to the point whereby i haf more unhappiness here than happiness. if not im not sure of how it wldve affected me. heh.

i feel... relieved. i felt.. freedom, happiness. haha sharp contrast to how others feel. goodbyes.. are necessary, cuz i dont think we will meet anymore.

ok do i haf to gif a brief summary ? ok i shall. short and sweet

uhh well it started as a challenge. at a pretty low point of life, i told myself tt if i can stretch my physical limits.. i shld try, if i can do smth tt i hate, perhaps i will bcome a better person. so i sucked. horribly. and then i became ok. and den ppl started telling me tt im good. which...i totally disagree wif. lOL. den came a time when i haf to go.
den i came back, well.. why did i.. cuz i wanted a particular someone to taste the coffee i make. ha...it ended pretty miserably. and! jus when i am ready to leave again, there happens my worse lost? i lost my hp and wallet and found myself being thrown into a financial pinch. heh... so i decided to continue for a while. and i tot tt its nt tt bad to make coffee for other ppl. for grateful customers, they were part of the reason why i stayed. ok so i stayed, and became a manager, having more responsibilities and all simply bcoz i cant rly stand the thought of working under someone who's less able than i am. SO, i had a say in most things. and i gave my all.
i made a makeshift family sort of scenerio, and i feel tt we're kinda bonded well. and den... i had to leave again. all the while.. even when im not ard, i still care. perhaps tt caused a huge blow on my academics. its not worth it but.. im not sane enuf to do both well.so.. i failed my own challenge to myself.

SO, i came back for an answer. and.. tho the answer wasnt wad i wanted..i started losing interest. den i started seeing how low some ppl are. started feeling tt its their honour to b served by me. started looking down on ppl. started being wad i didn want to be. but well.. i perservered. and tho each day seems very difficult to get by. i got by all of em. and i endured these unhappiness till the day it closed.
i did it. i completed smth.. which i rly hate so much.

service.

tt look of disdain tt ppl gave. tt haughty attitude tt ppl showed me. the shabby work attitudes tt my colleague gave me. i.. will remember it and i will remeber it well. for wad purpose.. i dont noe, but well its gotta affect my life.

to those who were thankful, to those who were nice. i sincerely thank u. and i apologize for my below excellent service attitude. well its simply bcoz of all the other ppl who made my mood foul. i..sincerely thank u ppl. its my pleasure, i wish tt u will haf a good life.

well.. to those final few ppl who worked.. i sincerely hope u all the best in life too. cuz frm ur work performance here, it sucked. i hope its bcuz of somebdy tt made u wad u bcame. kindly... gif a different attitude in life, all the best

oops. i guess tt bcame q long.

uhhh so. tts.. the end of this chapter. i am happy. i finally obtained. freedom.
im glad i saw u even at the end. haha. even if its jus a glance, jus a moment. its enuf. goodbye. farewell. i really hope tt one day, we will really meet again. and we will be able to talk like normal .

annyeong hi ki sae yo.

Goodbyes..1

So it has begun. Goodbyes.
I don't think I'm tt good with goodbyes cuz the thought of it seems pretty depressing alright. The fact tt ppl who used to be tgt can simply disappear frm ur life in jus a blink of an eye. Frens who pledged to stay in contact forever can slowly drift off and become acquaintances. All the experiences tts shared b4, all the bonds, doesn't rly matter tt much.
The tot of not being able to see tt person again seems quite sad while at the same time, if we ever meet again, will We be able to talk like now. Will we be able to feel the same sense of familiarity. Perhaps not. So... Ugh.

Ppl saying goodbyes, I face it wif a nonchalant face. It's not bcoz I don't feel anything. It's jus tt I don't noe how to make a sad face. Truth be told, life's like this, ppl come and go. Friends drift, lovers break up, empire falls, rocks erodes. Nth is forever, when the time comes, it comes. So yea the time is now, some lingering unwillingness to leave all these behind but, it's causing me more unhappiness than the satisfaction tt i gain.

All the fancy "oh I'm gon miss u, oh keep in touch, ohh. Bla bla bla" seems pretty much like scorns and it's pretty meaningless. Since, humans are actually pretty much forgetful creatures as well. Jus a bye will do, if we ever meet again... I'll judge whether u deserve a "hi", a small talk, or a catchup session.

Uhhh. Did I make any sense at all? Lol will edit it again later la ok, the end is near, a new begining is approaching and I hope I can look forward to it.

seeing her kinda makes me feel happy cuz it reminds me of u. Jus another glance will help me recall the fond memories which is no longer within my grasp but... U can't blame me for wanting to think of u every once in a while righht.? 

Hah. This untold story is so bitter, yet at the same time beautiful. Don't u think. Or is it jus creepy. -__- hahaha. 

Nonetheless. Tts abt all for now.

Somewhere

So it's pretty depressing to know tt my comp is pretty dead. K just kidding, I'm more depressed abt my attitude.. Academic wise. Still pretty laid back, pretty much ignorant and I guess even wif tt fatal blow last year, why am I still so slack. Where was my fighting spirit den... Well... I guess I'm jus this kind of lousy person.

So my comp is kinda not functioning.. And my dad is nice enuf to take the initiative to go out of his way and keep paying money to help me make it functioning again. Which.. Kinda make me sad tt why is he being so nice, wads his motive.. Or is it jus love. I don't wanna disappoint anyone anymore but... I'm so sleepy so.. Lol I can't work hard.-__- ahh... I'll see wad I can do yea.? Ya. Let's... Do this.

Somehow.

anw being back in the library feels pretty comfortable... Despite it being so crowded and all. I guess it's pretty much set tt I'm gonna, u noe, come here daily after everything is done. I meant work wise hahhaha. Perhaps my next entry is gonna b a long one abt my work, perhaps ill blog b4 den.

Nonetheless. Tts prolly all I wanted to say for nw.

Something.

I'm jus bored. I jus don't quite like being tied down to smth, and yea I need to study. Sigh.

Some asshole trying her best to protect herself, bothering everyone else jus bcuz someone is trying to make herself worse off. It's kinda saddening but, all in all, u only needa blame urself. Cuz u suck. And nope there's no way u will be able to improve urself. U jus don't haf wad it takes so tts it. I don't blame u.
If u feel tt ure feeling rly shitty and ure the main character of a tragedy, think again. Other ppl had it worse. Wad ure experiencing now is jus the results of ur past actions.
It rly bothered me when u jus didn wanna let her go. Like rly jus let. Her. Fking. Off. Stop bothering her. Wads wrong wif u seriously.

No. No.. I shldnt be bothered abt these anymore. I shld... Study.. Study. Cy go study. All these don't matter anymore.
But why the fk do u haf to go and see him so badly. Fk it. Fk. Ok wait I shld study. Yea bye.

Signing off. In anger.

Update: after slping:
I guess much as i said tt it shldnt matter anymore, i still feel smth inside. There's still smth there. Hahaha. I hate myself for being like this, I hate myself fr never being able to let go cooly. Y do I still care, perhaps ure feeling the same horrible feeling now, but ure weird. Ur taste is weird, it cldve been solved easily and u wldve achieve happiness long ago but I guess u chose the harder one, jus like wad I did. And now probably, we're both wrecked up inside. This.. is kinda dumb but ok move on pls. Or... Come here :|

Ok ok nw I'm able to think more properly after a nap and after all... It's night time so, I guess tts where the other side of me comes out.

Heart and body

Now tt I think abt it; I'm pretty much left with only my body. I'm doing Wadever I wan and not rly thinking abt anything. I guess tts wad it meant. I no longer haf a heart, and yea I rmb where I left it.'

So anw, it sounds like tt place is gonna go soon, like real soon. Which.. Kinda makes me feel down abit since i haf after all, been there for quite a while. Making latte art for other ppl to admire was actually kinda fun but, I think I might've alr missed the most impt point,  which is the taste of the coffee itself. I actually, in my heart demanded the person to actually thank me and appreciate the work of art but well, I simply can't accept tt not everyone cares abt how it looks, but yea, more of wads in it.

Arh. Well I guess tts tt, I've actually tot of continuing to work for a bit more, in a different environment, but well it's gonna be the same shit, prolly worse shit, so yea I must be determined this time ard. Freedom.. Awaits.

Felt kinda down earlier cuz of the fact tt I haven't studied... Ok yea and more of like thinking why do I haf to keep covering up for other ppl's mistake at work, again and again and again. This is rly a thankless excess chore and it sucks a lot. I wonder if I created problem for other ppl as well but hmm. Perhaps but tt feeling rly sux. Like doing extra things jus to mKe up for other ppl's mistakes AND tt person is jus leaving nonchalantly. -_- fk this, srsly. I suppose it's gona be the same in the real working world, I will Hafta face these kind of shit too, but this time it's different cuz i can't jus say, "Ok I quit u fkers"

Phew I jus gotta let it out somewher. I'm pretty sick of all these. I needa think abt smth else perhaps... Like.. Study study.


Oh I went for my fren's wedding ytd and it was kinda, hyper boring. lol. Why issit tt weddings are such boring things. Hmm makes me wonder. Wad kind of wedding shld I haf. Is it gonna be very far away in the future, how's my bride gonna be like and and mayb if its gonna happen at all. Blehhhh tts the kind of feelings tt I always haf when I attend my fren's wedddings.
Zzz perhaps I'm jus at tt age, perhaps I shld get married as well-_-

Im so sorry.

I'm so sry. I almost forgot, while drowning myself in other things, while thinking tt it's more worthwhile to spend time wif ppl who loved me instead of lowering myself to make u happier. I tot I can forget about wad caused me the pain.

It felt rly good to feel the love tt other ppl showed, but I guess it can never compare to feeling the reciprocated love frm the one u gave up so much for.

so tonight, I'm going to be crooked. And I will rmb tt I loved u. For tonight.
I wonder wad I'll become tml. But oh well



, tonight I return to be that fool, who's willing to gif up everything for ur happiness.

Tired.

So I lied to myself. I said I needed control, I didn. I said I wanted to study, I didn. Argh. Get up cy get up.

Rly tired these days since I Somehw needed to work darn long hours. Lol. Tt sucked and well as long as it lasts... I shall endure thru it. And make time to study. For now I'm jus yea.. Tired
Ok so another fren is getting married,"like WoOot?!" K yea well, perhaps I'm jus at the age lol, bleh I need.. Motivation and perhaps determination. Yea

Fk me. Go fking study tml pls thanks.

So many ppl are dying everyday but y not u, u fking eyesore. 

Don't love me.

Hahaha. Mayb I'm jus assuming it but I don't care. Just don't. Ok? Haha it's hard enuf on my side and yea, if u don't, den I think I can do it too. So yea lets do it like this, I'll try hard, I'll try.

Sarang hajimal, jebal.

Ok so I got by these 2 days of cny pretty peacefully, hahah excluding the over-eating and brushing off the stupid qn "eh? Nv go visit ah" ok I do ask it to other ppl as well cuz I didn think anyone wld be like me. And yea, I didn visit. Cuz I don't haf like relatives for me to do so.? Perhaps I do haf but jus tt my parents aren't close enuf wif em to go visit them. Ok to be more precise, the other side is like my mum will go visit but... I simply dread the idea of going ALLL the way down to Malaysia and meet wif a bunch of ppl who I didn even see for the whole year and I haf to explain wad I'm doing now to a bunch of em who don't uds and are simply asking jus for the Sake of asking. Was I too long winded. Well, I suppose my predecessor did a poor job in terms of family bonding so ya, to my dear brothers... Tho u ppl are freaking annoying and pricky assholes( like me) let's bond well ok .?!? And not let this continue on to our nxt generation. Shld be gg my fren's houses nxt week but ya, see how lo.
Yea I loved cny despite how it's like for me.

Those lingering thoughts lol... Well I'm still here. Wher haf u been tho.

Okkkkkkk
Happy new year.
To myself, and to anyone.
Be a better person after this long weekend yeah.?
Ok. Hahaa

do not forget.

so i tot ive almost forgotten. yea. it still echoes in my mind i guess.

i suppose dreams dont lie yea? but so wad abt it, im still gonna stay like this. and no pls. pull me away from these, i need to be alone. i need to...get thru all these. on my own.

pls jus stay away. im sry.

Why did it hurt.

Ok i completed my ippt and barely got the silver tt I wanted. Lol.. To think tt my fitness is not as gd as before. I sincerely wonder if it is bcoz of my recent lack of exercise or issit bcoz of.. U noe... Age. :\. Nonetheless, it's pretty much a wake up call for me to continue working out and not let my body deteoriorate further. Yea

So it hurts. My body tt is. -_- I uds if my thighs hurt coz I've nt ran such distance wif such pressure fr a while, but.. I don't uds why my abs and my arms hurt as well. Wads wrong like srsly. But argh, I'll recover soon I guess.

So it's been... A week or so.? Or a few days. It felt damn long, but ugh. It's gonna be fine, the starting is always the hardest. So...i rly wanted to ask Wher are u nw, wad are u doing, how do u feel now but i cant do it so... ok. Ok stop it cy. Focus on ur studies cy.

Kk recently... I've had like random memories coming back to me. Namely those things I did,those words I've said. It felt rly stupid, I guess tts jus me, jus saying things at the spur of the moment, and den regretting it later. I always think abt how different my life wldve been now if I didn fail. My staying for one year, was the things tt I got in return worth tt 1 year of my life.? Of cuz Ppl wld feel regretful but.. I don't suppose regretting helps, and I don't think tt if given another chance, I wldn do wad I did. I'm me after all, caught up in the moment, caught up in ur smile. Lol.

I guess ill most likely regret wad I wrote now and edit it again later lol so yea

Kk and the bro is back. like yay? lol i didn feel much when he aint home and i didn rly feel much when i realised tt he's back either. LOL but well we're still able to chat like normally so its not like i dont like him or wadever ok. YEa so.. its prolly nice to haf more ppl in da house so my mum will feel happier? haha

so finally, im a rly disgusting monster.pls stay away frm me. for now.

Humanity

I rly don't know wad I am now. Well I'm drawn more and more into things tt... I shldn be doing by common sense. But argh, I can barely control my body. It's like my body is starting to convince my brain more and more and more than my brain controlling my body.

I became pretty vulgar. Mayb abt my erms, jc level.? And I don't like tt. To think tt I used 5 yrs.? To achieve my non-vulgar conversations. Yea it seeped out slowly cuz of all the bad things tt happened to me. But still no no no, I'm must hold it back in.

The only one whom I kept my humanity wif is no longer ard. While I wonder wad I'm doing here, i guess it's rly just for the cold hard cash and... I don't need to be a nice person to get tt.


meh. Must study.

cry cry

i cant cry. as in phyically i cant cry. i wonder if its bcoz of the fact tt ive subconsciously forbade myself frm doing so or for wadever reasons. i cant do it.

i didn feel anything special at first, at least well, its an expected event so.. i jus smiled. since its smth tts to my favour but well after a while... it struck me. the feeling tt i'll lose it for good, its... never gonna be the same again. nt anymore. so yea, perhaps tt wldve been the last time i go crazy for u. thinking tt our worlds are no longer gonna intersect anymore made me kinda... sad. but well, tts life. ppl come and go. i tried my best but things didn work out, so yea at least i tried.

nope. i'll be fine frm now onwards. i will. try to live happily again. i will try to look for smth tt cld replace u.

Just a yesterday's idiocy. thanks for the memories.

ill try to remember them for as much as i can, everything. so long =)

Contradiction.

Now I want to live peacefully. Not having to rush between schedules, sleeping more than I shld and still haf plenty of time, being able to wear all my nice clothes tt I've bought seems to be the most desirable thing to me at the moment.

Studying, even if my progress is kinda slow now, at least I'm doing smth. Which I didn think I did last year, let's hope for the best yea.? Haha need to pick up the pace soon. Freedom seems so appealing, while at the same time I guess tts nt rly wad I wanted. Hmm let's see, I guess I wanted a change in life, just... A change, a break out of the normal routine life tt I've had for so long. As long as I'm not doing the same thing it's fine.:)

So I've spent like a bunch of money on clothings..AGAIN.-_- lol jus as I was contemplating as to whether I shld buy anything at all, the nxt moment I can't stop myself frm buying things. Bah. Jus as how I tried my best to ignore it, the nxt moment I can't help my body again. These contradictory behaviors... I... Needa take note of it. 

Well den, cheers to the new life... Tt shld be awaiting for me.!

Realization

I cld say I'm pretty much erms fine.? Mayb not but I guess nth special is threatening my life so yea. I'm almost forgot abt it but it suddenly occurred to me, I'm still me, I'm still... Yea but as wad I've told my fren, if u can't get it, wads e point of suffering alone at night, wads the point of doing stupid things and regretting right after. Hhaa, preaching is easy, giving the model answer is ez. If only our brains haf this ability to u noe, switch off to all these emotions, humans wld probably be able to soar to greater heights.

Wanted to study last night but body won't listen to brain. Ahhaa thus I'm actually gg out at like 5 plus to study b4 work. Lol this final attempt, I sincerely hope tt it will be fruitful hhah, nonetheless, breakfast first.!~

Heh heh, so apparently I'm continuing this entry at the end of the day. Yes I studies abit b4 I got to work, went on and got bz and stuff till late night .? Haha I'm probably having a dual personality, like in the day I'm actually pretty optimistic and motivated to do productive things. At night, I wld be gloomy and I simply wanna jus don't gif a flying French. Alright, don't gif a flying fk* abt anything and jus go to bed. Argh. anw I did some studying today so.. It's nice.

My frens seems pretty interested in meeting up tml, I wonder wads driving them. We jus met up like 2weeks ago and I don't think we've got SOOOooo much to talk abt jus for this 2 weeks. and I bet they're gonna ask me wad I did for new yr and shit, and yea, they'll gif me the ' wtf '. -_-
So I'm nt tt keen to meeting up but.... It seemed pretty obligatory. Yup. Tt sucked.

Anw, if u ain't feeling happy, or if u ever need someone to talk to... I'm always here, ever willing to listen to ur life stories. But meh. :|

here comes the rain.

went down to buy some groceries.? lol nt rly but it's jus some food tt might come in handy when i skip my breakfast frm home.

well well life life! Life's been erm pretty neutral atm. and the rain had to come down the moment i went out. Anw I wonder if its cause of my age or smth, i tend to.. lol.. want to bother wif my family more. or mayb its cause my bro aint ard, or mayb yes, they are slowly slowly moving out one by one, getting married and forming their own family which in a way its nice cuz im enjoy more freedom and of cuz the space but well i guess my parents may not feel the same. tts y i felt the need to spend more time wif them, u noe, including my brother's share.

now tt i think of it, im.. pretty much not at home last yr.. and mayb even this year, like ill reach home late and jus slp, den prolly jus wake up for sch or work and go out. And the cycle repeats. haha. sadly they arent nocturnal like me so... i guess they can only enjoy my sleeping posture, or my empty room. hahahaha.

work seems pretty much more chill. not having to explain things to ppl and all. jus making ppl do things my way seems very... appealing to me. and when ppl do shit.. ill jus cover it up and yea, if its within my capabilities, and i wont bother trying to correct them cuz i dont think they gon learn anw. teh heh. i guess i can like this kind of worklife but... uh.. its pretty much ending lol. so wads left is... some major cleaning up, to prevent ppl frm tryin to find faults.

uhh yes. the rain
the light gentle drizzle tt fell upon my body, triggers the memories tt ive placed at the back of my mind. nw tt i think abt it, i no longer feel sorrow, i no longer feel bitter. i smiled, for i think ive learnt alot frm u. tt i can actually get used to a life w/o u. life still sucks but, its no longer becuz of u so, i guess its better? lol ill still look forward to seeing u again, i wld love to see how much uve grown up since then and yea, i hope ill be able to be a better person when tt time comes and u will be happy for me.

its..not painful if i dont touch it so yea.

alright i must study and spend time at home lol!. tts the plan, lets go

Get a grip

Well yea the first half of my today was pretty much.. Hazy. As in my brain is hazy and not the actual weather. Cooked instant noodles in the middle of the night which was quite, unhealthy. Was originally preparing for a round 2 of celebration but I chose to be kinder to my body instead. Hmm so my new year countdown was pretty much not very spectacular. Had some peranakan food which actually tasted better than my expectations. come to think of it, I've been q adventurous these days, tried a pretty nice Thai food few days ago as well, hahaha nt much of a fan of these kind of southeast Asian style of food cuz most of e time they're pretty spicy. K wher was I. Impromptu trips are rly rly bad especially for these kind of special occasions, cuz we can expect crowds at all those nice places. All tts left is the remote areas which ppl won't rly visit. Constantly thinking abt wad to do nxt, wher to go. we're a bunch of uninteresting ppl after all, so there's rly rly nth much to do. So, we decided to go for an adventurous night walk up the bukit Timah hill.

I noe tt everyone wld be like "wtf". yea if I'm not there, I wldve said tt as well. Cuz it's rly ridiculous to do smth like tt to begin wif. And wads more.. At night.? On New Year's Eve.? U mus be kidding me. But yes we went. It was kinda refreshing cuz it's rly rly rly dark and we actually saw fireflies. lol which i tot didn exist in singapore. My frens said tt they were slightly afraid at first, but they managed to overcome their fear and just moved forward. Talked abt how we were gonna get killed or slip and fall to our deaths on the way up and it feels kinda interesting. Well well I don't think tt anyone believed me but.. I don't feel much fear, cuz firstly, I'm not alone and well it's just a forest trail after all. In fact I'm feeling more excited than normal, I'm actually smiling but I don't think anyone can see. Hahah it feels kind good to be in this kind of darkness wher I don't haf to pretend to smile, don't haf to think about how I shld behave, how I shld react to ppl's words. All I haf to care abt is moving forward and yea survive. Hahaha some prehistoric men's way of thinking.

It's q a stress reliever I suppose, cuz as we grow more and more into integrating wif this society, having to face ppl everyday, we haf to care abt how we carry ourselves and how we shld appear in front of the public. Uhh tho it's a norm for ppl to do tt, we do get sick of it once in a while. Yea so even if it's momentarily, a break frm it felt pretty refreshing. Not to mention the weariness on my legs, we made it to the summit tho, I don't think anyone of us regretted tt decision to go up there. Haha refreshing air , silent environment, ah, not forgetting the darkness. Haha gathered round and shared our new year  resolutions and talked abt how to achieve each of our goals. Not for me tho. Hahah nv believed in tt. The trip down was pretty relaxed since it's downhill anw. Went back to the vehicle and continued thinking of wad to do.

Haha nonetheless we managed to find a weird place to chill and even managed to catch some fireworks. Even tho there were much less of us left who wanted to get together for new year, I'm kinda glad tt we're somewhat still tgt. Uh. So... Yup I confessed tt I actually wanted to jus pangseh them midway and head down to town for a party. Haha tts my character after all. But well I managed to stick wif em all the way.

I guess all of us had this same goal for nxt year. "I'm gonna freaking haf an awesome new year countdown nxt year,Ill nv ever haf the same as this year's lame ass gathering again."


Lastly. I rly shld get a grip. The holiday season is over. Time to get moving. Come along if u want to, I'm going ahead wif or w/o u. I'm cy. I've drifted too far frm my original self for too darn long. Time to get back into the game.

Ending

I'm tryin hard to recall. Did I do anything wrong? Or Izit because tt I'm jus hateful. Or Izit bcoz of the fact tt some1 has been telling u some awful stuff abt me. Or mayb it's jus my false assumption.

I did wad was rightful, I was jus being selfish and I want to haf a more relaxed life tts all, I totally don't haf other intentions. Don't read too deep into tt.
My reason was pure and simple, it's jus another perspective, tt person is unwilling to reason things out. And I'm q sure tt she will tell u ppl half facts and make me sound ridiculous, but nope, my reason was solid, but my main objective... Heh no one noes but ya, it's pure and simple as well.
Am I hateful? Perhaps. I'm rly sry abt tt cuz sometimes I hate myself too. The enemy of ur enemy is ur fren, so there shld be a side of me tt u wld like heh. Hai...
I don't think tt Ive made the wrong assumption tho, cuz I'm generally 2-3 times more sensitive to this kind of things than normal ppl. But perhaps ure jus in a foul mood, perhaps ure just tired. Perhaps I'm jus guilty conscious.

Ahh tts enuf. Ill jus let it flow. And see how things goes.
I'll briefly roughly talk abt 2013? Haha since I tot it's a must to talk abt the past yr and do reflections on it on e first day of the year.

This yr felt abit.. Vague. Cuz I gues I've been pretty much drunk and rushing  through life for the first quarter of the year.
Work sch drink play slp. And yea trying to cramp 1 year worth of studies into 2-3 weeks worth of reading thru. I mus be joking. And yea there's been a lot of down times for me. Failing twice for driving didn help either, tt money, tt effort, tt disappointment, the thought of giving up as I failed even when I rly tried my best. The shameful results tt made me unable to raise my head again, living in a world of fabricated lies. It felt.. Horrible.

So yea 2013, bad bad bad. Ahh. But yea living thru it means there's still hope. These kind of things helped me to noe myself better, it reminded myself tt I can fail too and also Things don't always happen according to my plans.

Nxt, looking forward, I shall be more selfish, while at the same time care more for the impt ppl, stop being an arrogant prick. And I'll work hard on erm.. My sleepiness. 2014, let's go.

The cause.

Errm so I was trying to guess the situation over at the other side. Even tho the scenerio tt I assumed might jus be the truth if I tried to piece the current situation together.
If tts the case, I'm sry but it's not gonna turn out the way u wanted, u ppl wanted.

my intentions have nv changed. Ever. Whatever actions I took frm then on was based on this main objective tt has been, subconsciously rooted into my brain.

You.

Every step tt I took, every move tt Ive made. everything were for ur sake, actually mine , cuz I selfishly wanted to get closer to u despite all of those in the way. It sounds pretty stupid but I rly wanted u to be happy, wif me. Perhaps it's nt possible but I'm alrdy programmed to keep moving in this manner. I'll try my best not to cause any trouble.?but jus somehow wish for all these to end erm prettily.? Yea, as long as it doesn't turn out bad it's fine. Hahah.

So at the end of the day, I'm sorry but I'm still into u. I sincerely apologize for tt. :|


K. Haha jus some totally random things tt I tot it's worth remembering when I tot of during my stoning times. So I decided to jot it down.
Alright nxt nxt nxt.!!

Argh new yr is jus round the corner. And I haven't decided on what to do on New Year's Eve. Frens weren't rly helpful in terms of contribution of ideas so. Well I hope I can come up wif smth tml.

Finally cleared some shits frm my room and even tho it's a small clearing, I feel kinda gd. Heh. Den I realized tt I'm actually kinda heartless towards inanimate objects, Ppl wld be like 'ah I shld keep this thing cuz mayb....'and yea I'll jus throw it away regardless of whether it's a pillow tt i seldom use, a bag tts in gd condition ( slightly dirty) or random boxes tt cld store items in, THROW. ALL THROW.
And it felt pretty good. Teh heh, I'm looking at all the soft toys in my room now:). They're nxt. Jahaha

Ur most reliable aide can become ur worst enemy.

friend of the monster.

managed to drag my lazy ass outta hse and met up wif bc and all.. nt rly looking forward  but well, since he's staying in US most of e time.... okay. lets go lol. had a pretty unexpectedly nice phad thai or wadever u call it, andd managed to chat bout some stuffs going on so i guess tts pretty nice.
had a minor bad experience wif a staff at coffeebean but i suppose i can jus let it slip cuz its rly minor and well it jus gets me thinking. abt this cost cutting measure done by our govt which includes hiring an army of low cost foreign worker to take care of those jobs tt requires low skill level or low education level. in a sense... frm a macroeconomical point of view.. it seems pretty logical and efficient and.......
( ok i removed the boring dry econs argument. i shall talk in my own selfish opinion) yes they can handle most of the basic needs of a consumer but there are many 'unrehearsed scenerios' tt cld happen in everyday's customer service. and results showed tt they werent able to handle and they didn even bothered tryin to handle these situations. they simply go into blank and stare straight into the customers' face and simply wait for the angry person to stomp away in disgust.

ahh. this sux. service was no longer wad it used to be. this is a really arguable policy in which both sides are not wrong. so they chose to use these low cost army, and us citizens jus had to tolerate all these nonsense unless we are wiilling to accept LOWER wage than them, or else, we haf no say.

k tts enuf of the adult stuff. if it even sounds mature enuf. lol sry but ive removed most of the argument thus it sounds pretty much like a pure childish selfish ranting. well take it as tt den. its a blog after all.

oh ya i met BC and frens.. rejected their offer to go to the US wif em during the may hols... erms. its srsly v costly and im nt rly a fan of u noe, going overseas to sightsee. unless its wif a rly impt person..then its a diff story. loL
ugh had a tough time rejecting them cuz they were so determined to go and i had to crush their US dream. bleh. sry bout tt. and they were talking abt how much my social activities had to do wif drinking.

yes.. now tt i think abt it... its pretty much true. i duno wad made me like this. i dont noe y i wld NEED some drink tt contains alcohol so frequently. why wld i want to keep asking my frens to accompany me to those type of places. why wld i want to hurt other ppl jus cuz i feel hurt. haf i became the monster tt ive always told myself not to become?
am i alrdy some1 who wldve been despised by the past me. ugh tt is why i.. want to at least try, becoming someone tt i wld be proud of soon. soon. heh.. soon...

the sad truth is hard to accept. even if its a glimmer of hope, i wld turn away frm the obvious truth and convince myself tt yes, i haf a chance
perhaps this is my retribution. for continuously hurting other ppl, now i shall suffer the continuous hurt caused by other ppl.

stop it, im alrdy hurt enuf.

im probably the monster tt ur parents warned u abt when u were younger.

Christmas.

Went to work wif a v screwed up mindset. "Dafuq am I doing here." It totally didn help when I haf to keep tt bloody place open jus for 2 fking couples to make out dere cuz it's kinda empty anw. One side of me thought, I've alrdy had enuf fun these days, I.. Shld let other ppl haf a share of fun too, but well I cld jus said fk it and u noe, no ones gonna blame me anw.

But I ended up being nice and all thus I decided to work instead. Well, It's pretty screwed up b4 e gathering, like ppl doing random things tts nt following the plan which kinda got me agitated, while at the same time I haf to endure tt screwed up feeling of having to work on this kind of festive season. I lasted thru tt fked up moments and somehow managed to keep my cool. went ahead wif e gathering And I wld say it's... Pretty normal, kinda nth much special but at least we got tgt after a long while.
Felt pretty bad after drinking, perhaps it's the after effect of drinkin so much consecutively for these few weeks.
Argh darned. I kinda forgot wad I wanted to say.. AGAIN-_-

Tt said, I rly feel like going on a journey. Haha in Singapore cuz I rly rly feel tt there are rly a lot of places tt I haven't went to , and things tt I haven't tried b4. Perhaps going to new places and doing new things wld mean opening up of new doors for this lethargic but still moving mind and body. I don't mind going alone, tho it wld be nice to have a company as well but... I guess nt many ppl will rly haf this need to, erms explore singapore and mayb cleanse their minds and soul.? Lol I Duno if I'm making sense but, yea Tryta make sense out of it.

Hope tt I will be able to attain a higher level of enlightenment soon.

Oh yea i forgot abt this whole Christmas thingy lOl.
so yea. ive always felt smth abt christmas, nt so much of a like religious thingy but i feel tt its a day like u noe, receiving presents and gathering and eating random nice "christmas" food tgt. well but these few years i felt tt it became some sorta obligation to go meet ppl and haf gift exchanges. to the point whereby the gifts were...way below wad i want, and the exchange of 'merry christmas' wif ppl makes me feel pretty fake. cuz for one i totally dont see how saying merry christmas to me makes me feel happier, thus i suppose it shld b the same if it came out frm my mouth. YEA thus i often reject ppl when it comes to xmas gatherings and i wld say things like 'might as well scrape this whole gift xchange thiingy'
and so this year.. i got wad i wanted. no social obligations for christmas gatherings. no gift xchanges. (eh wait i did meet my frens and all pls. i didn jus lamely lie on my bed and cry lol.)and guess wad. it felt pretty horrible as well. perhaps tts still not wad i wanted. lol so... wads over is over i guess, i shld probably jus move ahead and.. find out wad i want for nxt xmas. it will be a long journey but i think.. it willl come to me sooner than i thought.

So! note to self. please do make sure u enjoy ur xmas nxt year alright?! ill be watching and ill be waiting for ur nxt christmas entry!

well tt sums up to all i wanted to say. goodbye for now.=)


I probably shld stop chasing after this bubble dream, no matter how hard I chase, it will only end with it bursting and disappearing into thin air. with me being all alone and lost all over again.

Who.

Deleted the previous entry wif the same title. Hm. I guess I rly don't uds myself sometimes, I wld often say smth and den regret it a moment after.

I guess I shldn always write things here tt makes me sound so depressed.
Life's nt rly tt fun and happy for me but it's... Not depressing for me yet for I've lived thru harder times.

wad i wanted to say was tt I've had those recurring dreams abt u again and each time I wake up wif a heavy heart tt told me tt 'no it wasnt true and in reality, ure fked up' ahh tt feeling sux.

ok i haf a few stuffs to write down but i wldn wan to be naggy and all therefore i wil jus write em down in short paragraphs or rather point forms if possible hahaha.

- Went drinking on fri and i got knocked OUT AGAIN. wth. i rly rly sucked. i...always turn to drinking whenever i haf things tts bothering me but apparently... its nt rly helping, tsk. wad next. i dont noe.

- i kept telling myself tt i dont sincerely truly like this person tt much to the point whereby i get so depressed.? does it make sense? k nvm but more like things add up perhaps, of cuz its nt nice to like a person and u cant get her to like u back but, im me. LOL im nt tt kind of person, perhaps im jus unhappy abt not being able to win, after all, it always seem like a game to me, if i dont win it, i get rly upset. wads worse, if some1 i deem as inferior beat me to it, i will be even more unhappy.

so im trying to convince myself tt tt is the reason y i feel tt way. yea, not bcuz i like u so much or wadever ok. not.

- i watched in a commercial, they said tt we shld give happiness to other ppl this season. but well, if some1 did make me feel slightly happy, i.. dont mind sharing. but perhaps now when my whole life feel so messy, i dont think i shld make other ppl happier. heh, im sore, so wad.

mayb tts enuf for now.
i will try to think more frm ur point of view, while at the same time not forgeting my own welfare. i..will do fine, most probably. no more regrets cy. no. regrets.

Protection

Finally managed to take out my books to study. Omg. tho it's nt a lot but still it's a step forward towards the success.? Lol nt rly success but yea studying is gd.

Shld be gg for exercise later as well since I've been rly rly slacking too too much. It's... Supposed to b my fren's holidays, but apparently they are needed by other stuffs as well, like ICT, or their FYPs and work.? lol. 

It feels kinda yucky to spend Xmas and new yr wif em but I... Rly don't fancy spending it at home. Tho... I can feel tt my parents are somewhat lonely but. Tsk. Argh see hw la hor. 

And yea I've been brainstorming for q a while but I can't rly think of anything nice to do.

alright up nxt,
first i shall apologize for sounding like some emo fker for so long, well i actually kinda exagerated the feelings when im writing, i guess. lol its ALL not tt bad ok??! SO, lets continue updating without being sounding like a freaking emo alright. haha lets go~

so wher was i. yea so i felt kinda bad tt my mum is actually missing my bro who's out of town for work atm, and im... mostly outside or sleeping. LOL so perhaps out of guilt or wadever feelings, i felt tt i rly need to spend some time wif my mum and yea. tho its definitely gonna be damn awkward if any1 sees me wif my mum. why? i aint sure as well but.. yea tts jus hw i felt.

Thus i decided to go take a walk at those new shopping malls at jurong east. kinda funny if its kinda near but i didn make a trip there. uhh so its pretty much a shopping mall. LOL. well at least theres h&m and topmen which is kinda attractive enuf for me to go back.

very very coincidentally, the first thing i saw was you ( yea wif another guy), while im wif my mother -__- wad are the odds of tt happening. it jus seemed damn bloody pathetic.=| but no no, im not living tt sad life wherby i only haf my mum to go out wif.

fine, i actually had a pretty complicated feeling which i havent felt for erm, 2 yrs or so? like im.. supposed to be either livid, or perhaps "oh im happy for u cuz u are doing fine" kind of feeling. but...i..felt...fked up at first but after a while i felt tt its rly damn funny( for some unknown reason, perhaps i was just thinking abt how unlucky i am) and after awhile i felt angry again. heh. poor me. but oh wells. so all in all, i jus felt... pretty normal, aint as bad as i tot it wld be but, i certainly dont feel happy at all.
ok wait i wanted to sound happy. oh so those memories tt came back werent as painful as b4, i can rly look back and yea. not feel dejected like b4. yay.!


SO, do i sound happy enuf? i hope so.

oh anw wad i actually wanted to say since the beginning was, i've always wanted to protect u frm all the shit tt  was going on tt might haf hurt u or make u unhappy, but.. i guess i wasnt able to so.. perhaps the one thing tt i will try my best to protect u frm... is me. :)

bye for now.

The story

A love story is only beautiful when 2 ppl loved each other and end up tgt. If it's not tt way, it jus ends as a joke, a stalker's story tts creepy, an insignificant 3rd party story, or a tragedy.

So no matter how much one person works, suffers, endures and gave, if the story didn end tt way, nth else matters. U jus end as a joke, a creep, a fking loser. Lol therefore, yea it's a reminder to self I suppose. Ive always trusted my feelings, if it doesn't work tt way, it won't happen tt way no matter wad I do. But BUT my body doesn't listen to me. I guess nowadays the link between my body and brain is kinda weakened alrdy, I can't control myself as much as b4.-__- nonetheless, jus a random thought cuz I tot I shld write smth whenever I haf smth in mind if not it's jus gonna end as a post wif words and no feelings like the previous few  b4. Heh. So... Tts abt it for now
I shld jus sleep and conserve energy and money lol

Hope u live well. Hope I will live well too.

Because if I'm able to open tt door, I will be able to see things tt I haven't alrdy seen, a whole new world.

Update.

Jus some updates.
Hmm so firstly, I Duno wad happened to my brain. I hope it's temporary. Tt I'm thinking so much abt smth. While I kept telling myself not to, but sometimes my body just moved on its own and I rly hate it so much. And I even... Omg wth is wrong wif me srsly. And I said I've moved on but I'm jus moving in circles.

So I did, something very off tt day. I kinda regretted it but I... Sincerely can't jus live on while swallowing it in cuz I'm srsly hurt for some reason. But no, in fact I think I'm srsly jus angry wif myself. It's not rly ur fault, I'm jus tt piece of shit tt is not supposed to haf anything. I'm jus not gd enuf tts all. Well I kept telling myself tt it doesn't matter tho I felt otherwise but as I've always said. It doesn't kill me so I can live.

Argh so ok nxt, Went out wif my frens and had lots of gd laughs. Esp when it's been such a long while, it's pretty nice to see tt we are still enjoying each other's company. Even tho I don't noe how long tt can last heh.:|

I need to switch back to the dark side.. I need to.. I wonder y I started changing back again. But no. Come back to the dark side. We need u here. Don't hurt urself anymore, instead... make em pay.

truth.

Frustrated. Firstly, I don't q uds wtf the notes were talking abt. 2ndly, y... Do I still feel for.... I've alr said I won't bother but... I can't lie to myself can I. 3rd... Y.. Can't I resist the urge to.. drink. It comes back to me every few days omg. The rehab shall start soon. Heh.

Jus a random thought tho. I suddenly realized tt I haven't had nice food in a long while. I wonder if it's bcoz I was rly rly saving up or is it bcoz of the fact tt I'm nt eating wif someone who makes me sastisfied wif the whole dining experience. If u get my point. Haha. Of cuz when it comes to food, u popped up into my mind, tt stupid argument on how much u enjoy eating gd food n how much I disagree tt we shld spend a lot of money for food. Tsk aishhh. I still don't think tt I'm wrong, haha it's true tt we shld rly go get gd food once in a while and of cuz I'm not willing to pay a lot of money for it. LOl. Just tt... Nw I sincerely think tt the person ure eating wif... Matters too damn much.
After so many times, I was lucky tt I'm able to keep finding substitutes up till recently.now it feels rly bad. BUT I'm cy. It's ok. I won't die frm tt means it's ok.

Argh. The flu came back again. Hope it doesn't evolve into anything else this time. -_-

Random thoughts

So the dreams returned. :| those deceitful dreams tt made me happy and den wake up in utter disappointment. Lol wth is wrong wif my brain.
So I cldnt sleep the night b4 due to Wadever reasons and realized my computer is nt very...pleasant to spend time wif. Like the lagging and yea the games aren't functioning for some reason. Had the urge to buy a new comp BUT no. I don't haf the spare cash and I dont NEED a new comp I guess. Well tts.... Gd in a way so tt it wldn be smth to pull me away frm my social life, which is alrdy pathetic enuf.
Gah.. Needa... Drink again.. Resist... Ahh omg. So I think I'm rly addicted or smth. Shit. But I gues I managed to.. Ugh. Resist the urge again. Sigh.. It's 2am nw.. And I can't rly slp again. Tsk.

not functioning

apparently my brain's nt rly functioning well these days. nt to mention abt how i cant seem to uds my academic shits, things tt doesnt rly matter kept echoing in my head.
Namely you, you and you.tch.

The urge to drink is no joke. Much as I want to, I rly needa resist it. The after effects aren't rly tt nice to tolerate and it's.. Quite a waste of money if I kept drinking. So luckily, I managed to endure thru it today.! Ha. Hope I cld resist it again tml. And the day after.

So it seems tt I accidentally volunteered to be the organizer for the outings fr my clique. Which is nt v nice but. I feel tt if I don't say anything, nth is gonna happen and after all... I'm very very bored and yeah. Lonely. For now. But at least the nxt outing is alrdy set and most of them are cool wif spending the impt dates tgt. And here comes the nxt qn, shld I work on Christmas. Hmmm.

And work.. When shld I go.. I don't think I've got enuf money yet. And I don't dare to look at it. Omg. It sucks. Money money money. Selling pride for money. :|

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. I'm fine. As always. 

Ogenkidesu Ka.

Kimi wa doko desu Ka.?
Oh genki desu Ka.?
Watashi tachi no ureshii toki wa oboimasu Ka.?

Watashi wa wasurerunakatta.

Ahh. Been a long while since I studied so.. I guess my gears are kinda not functioning properly. Can't concentrate for extended periods of time. Tsk. Well well I guess I jus needa get used to tt kind of lifestyle again.. Slowly. 

Been in the embrace of my frens( ehh not the literal meaning ah.) for slightly too long. Now tt they happened to be busy made me feel kinda. Bored. And of cuz wif the detachment frm other individuals made it slightly worse off. BUT BUT but nt rly regreting cuz I most likely removed some annoyance frm my life or prevented myself frm getting annoyed. Lol better to slice it off b4 the situation gets stickier. So my 'suffering'.? I wonder if it's rly considered suffering but jus um. This boredom tt I'm experiencing now,  is jus a small price to pay for removing a possibilty of greater annoyance in future. If u get wad I meant.

Jus to sum up, I'm feeling extremely bored. And it's most likely caused by myself but I don't rly regret my actions.

Tch. I promised myself not to anymore, but wells.Curiosity kills the cy. Teh. Nth special  tho. Ha...ha.  Ugh. Thinking of food. But still needa watch my diet and all. Screw this shit lol. Y do I Hafta be so conscious abt my weight and all. K no, more like my shape and all. Zzzzz 

Grr. Grr. Ah........ Tts it for now. 

Choices.

There's this point of life whereby u tot uve got like so many frens and u feel tt u don't haf enuf time to entertain all of em. Den u start to ignore some of those whereby u think they won't b useful to u in future, or those less physically attractive ones, those less interesting ones. And den after filtering them out, u feel tt ur life is pretty perfect. Den comes the time whereby ur remaining frens jus so happen to b bz and u needed someone to talk to or hang out wif, u started thinking abt, "sigh, shld I talk to this person.? Hmm better not since tt person is not in the 'chosen' list" and den u look thru ur contact list and start striking out names which u won't wanna hang out wif. Until u reach the last one on ur fonebook and u laughed. "Fk it, I'll jus slp. "

Tts. Probably why. I'm lying down here right now. Hahahaha.

Perspective.

It's the same qn I've asked b4. I probably didn expect myself to grow up to become like this, accidentally read my own blogpost frm when I was 16.? Like again.-_- haha good to do some reflection every now and den isn't it. Heh. That angry kid is still pretty much not happy wif his life even after so many years. Izzit bcoz of my perspective of life or did my life rly sucked so much. I don't noe. But well I don't think anyone wld be able to give the right answer.
Age has caught up to me. I find myself trying to preach so frequently, I wld rly wonder if they are able to comprehend my viewpoint cuz normally I wld jus think tt them ppl(ppl trying up preach) are jus bullshitting, they are not me after all, their life examples don't necessarily apply tO mine.and so I wld jus shut off my ears while at the same time exclaim "pui. Lowly humans trying to teach me smth.? Get a grip" . Ahhhh. Doesn't matter eh, just saying anw. Not like I'm trying to make a difference in ur lives or smth hahaha.so jus take it wif a pinch of salt yea? But jus so u noe, I'm a truly wise person. Hahahaha

Alright.!! Life's been... pretty much the same, the sleepiness and laziness plus them beer. Feels nice but I noe tt can't last. Get a grip cy. Get up, live life. Tts it for now.

Sometimes I jus can't get used to these loneliness. But I noe tt it is probably wad I need tt wld most likely lead me to my success.
And I sincerely hope tt I'm right on this, for I can't afford to make any more mistakes... Not even them minor ones.

Days like these

when u decided to leave smth for ur  own good, be it ppl, workplace, or Wadever, smth tt u noe u wldve been better if ure better off w/o it. The first thing to do is to cut off or at least reduce the emotional attachment to the minimal. Tt way, the hawk wldve been able to soar to greater heights and not be tied down to the things on earth.
Pondering a lot these days, wanting to stop totally but I don't think I will be able to handle all tt freee time and I don't think I can make myself live wif tt miserable amt of money. It's like once uve experienced freedom, u wldnt wanna go back to wad u were b4 u experienced it. Financially tt is. Tt feeling of having to control ur spending a cuz u don't haf excess money. The scrimping and saving omg. No. But then... These is taking up too much of my energy and time. It wldve been perfect if I'm able to get an equilibrium but.. I don't think it's possible tho. I've asked for it too many times, and I've nv ever attained it.
Times like these. Like now, this very moment, I... Jus wanted to study wif but I don't haf anyone to. Makes me miss those days which hmm... I didn took it for granted, but yea missed those days wher I haf some1 to study wif. Argh. And now..... Wad shld I do now. I feel so unmotivated. Tt passion I had died long ago and Dere's nth much I cld do. I always feel slp deprived and tt sucked cuz when I needa study or work, I feel damn drowsy. And when I can slp, I'm wide awake.
Agh wads my main point, k yea I wanna study but I don't haf anyone to study wif, I needa wake up but I kept sleeping.  I wanna quit and I'm pretty much done removing all my feelings wif anything related to tt place.

Alive.

On that day, humanity recieved a grim reminder, even the strongest will fall.

Heh. Been real sick these few days. Tts wad happens when one seldom falls sick and when it comes, I can barely tolerate all these.
So theoretically, I've alrdy recovered since... Hmm no fever, no more sore throat. So... Y am I still feeling so drowsy, weak and lack of appetite. Uhh... I pretty much want to sleep all day and jus do nth, like I usually do.?

Hmm nth much to write again. Perhaps I'm jus outta the mood these days. So.. Tts it for now. A new week so.. I needa buck up

different.

it jus feels tt different between holding on to smth and being held onto. when ure given the chance to make a choice, the power to decide. tt felt much better, then again, sometime later, im bound to regret my decisions anw.

haha. so met up wif my frens to haf dinner, hmm been a long while since we met and its nice to talk for a bit, joke ard, laugh ard. i tried my best to laugh as much as i cld cuz, i dont think i will haf much of these kind of enjoyment. and im q thankful tt they actually accomodated wif my preference and not jus simply going to some coffee shop. which... they seems to be so fond of. lOL

i laughed, i smiled, i went crazy for a little while, so.. today wasnt tt bad after all =)

Alternate life

Went to sch wif a tired body as usual. My soul doesn't seem to attach well wif my body nowadays. Took naps and had weird dreams. Lol I wonder if it's cuz of those random tots frm ytd, abt alternate lives? Like how my life wldve been different if I had made different decisions at those crucial junctures.
Yea, I.. Had those vivid dreams tt sort of... Depicts the possible scenerio if I'd made another decision, it feels so real and at the same time heart wrenching cuz... Ahh how to say, tt feeling of regret, loss and argh. It's okay. I don't regret any of my decisions, it was a gamble after all and... Tt dreamt scenerio, was jus a possible scenerio, it may or may not happen even if I did made the decision. Hahahaha I wonder if I'm making any sense. But well Tryta understand while I will try to edit it later to make it make more sense hahaha.

Yea jus a random thought tt kinda disturbed my brain earlier. But generally, I'm. alrdy the way I am now, emotionless. So, nth great nth bad. Life will jus slowly pass by while I will continue waiting for someone to make me alive again.

Peace.

Life's pretty peaceful ytd and today. Nth big nth saddening. Perhaps letting go is like opening the door to a another life. Instead of constantly suffering alone , constantly helping wher nobdy noes. Tiring. Saddening. But well well, I can live now like a normal person. Sch was hyper boring, I'll always constantly reproach myself, why didn I why didn I. Why did I not choose to hang on, perhaps my life wldve been so diff right at this moment.

I wldve been working in some firm, wearing tt formal attire, stressing frm all the workload, bowing down to my managers and directors, prolly clients as well. Haha giving presentations, gg out for drinks wif colleagues. Ahh. Tt alternate life tt I cldve.... It's.. So different. But well since it's alr like this due to my own choices, I can't complain much. Nth is all bad as I've always said. I will be able to get smth out of this chilling. I've got a lifetime to work after all.

I wanted to tell u tt I passed.! Tt I'm.. Alive and I'm living strong. But I guess, u don't need to noe anymore since we're alr in different worlds, u are living the life tt u wanted. While I.. Am living the life which is the result of my actions.

I'll live long. I'll live strong. I've alrdy moved on.

I'm at peace .:)

sleep.

as sleepy as ever. how am i supposed to survive waking up at ard 6+ everyday in future. gah

so..these few days were fine. went clubbing on sat and even tho i haf assholes who pangseh-ed at the last minute, and the original plan went slightly off, it went on well enuf.
how to say.. am i not supposed to get angry? am i supposed to forgive and forget unconditionally? if u arent interested in going, just say so at the start, esp for these kind of group outings where the no. rly matters since i needa book tables and all.

u needa go service ur vehicle? who does tt at night.
ur fking gf needs u? bitch pls u got 364 days wif her, i jus needed ur presense for a few hours. and to the fking gf, if u think he's gonna misbehave in clubs or smth, look closer, he aint got enuf.
ure sick.? how timely.and u expect me to believe u.

i duno. i wanted to think rationaly but im quite angry cuz i rly planned it out properly since few weeks ago. to think tt my carefully planned out event could almost break like tt.
well nonetheless, even wif my tired brain and thinned troops, we went and rly had fun =)
noona. LOL.

i spent my monday worrying. abt tues. haha it sucks but i just lived thru tt state whereby u dont look forward to tml and u noe u need the slp to do well.
uh so ytd, i finally passed my driving test. BARELY. it rly sucks tt u alr noe all the stuff but ure still judged for the sake of being judged. i did well but ppl jus liked commenting and just wanted to bring u down just coz. ahh was rly rly rly super happy tt i dont hafta be judged again but its the 3rd time im taking the test which.... isnt rly smth to be proud of so... i guess i shld jus.. contain my happiness and live life as per norm.

you.still u.

oh side note! i realised my english was kinda bad in the previous posts but pls uds tt im always writing it like in the middle of the night when my brains nt rly working and i wld edit the sentence here and dere which resulted in improper sentence structure? i will edit it to make it better every once in a while. haha

I'm not tt noble.

If I can't love u can I hate u..? Whenever I see u I will feel smth so if it can't be love, it shld be hate right.? I hate hw weak I was.? Am .? were.? Still am. I hate tt i still Hafta see u, cuz I noe if I don't see u, I can jolly well live emotionlessly, not happily but at the very least not sad.
Haha I guess it's smth tt u don't quite agree wif, but I guess most guys are like tt, I am no different.

I'm not tt noble to forget all tt I've given and not getting anything in return. I'm not tt noble to continue making ur life better while not having mine nt getting any better.

I didn change, it's jus tt I stopped caring.

Argh. Ran out of ideas again lol.  Today's supposed to be a bad day but Somehw I made it thru.:) tml shall be better I hope and i hope sat will be best day.! Haha

Note to self, resist the loneliness for now. It's gonna be fine it's gonna be fine.

Hurt

I'm not a violent person and in fact, I've never ever liked to resort to violence. if possible, I've always  hoped tt I can rly jus laugh and smile and talk over everything. I rly wanted to treat ppl nicely and
 make everyone happy, tt way I can be happy too. Perhaps tts wad everyone is born to be, however at some point of time, they.. Change, as per the 'prisoners dilemma', smarter humans realized tt if they take advantage of another human's kindness and trust, and 'cheated' in their interactions, they will be able to gain much more frm wad they are originally supposed to gain.

This doesn't jus apply in economics sense but in our everyday life as well. And ppl, who aren't as smart, will also realize their disadvantage if they remain as they are, and thus, any rationale human wld choose to be stop trusting other ppl which, prolly is the reason why the world is as this state now.

I guess I'm prolly the later. I used to be nice to ppl until I realise tt if I'm nice, ppl will feel tt I'm a pushover and start lording over me and make me do things tt wld make them happier while I.. Unhappier.? Lol if there's this word haha. Well ya tts most likely why I'm wad I am now. adapt, change, survive.

I didn want to hurt u. But I don't quite like the fact tt I need to tolerate any of tt. I'm a superior being in every aspect, no reason why I Hafta lower myself. Heh if u noe wad I meant. Pls stop makin me hurt u. It sux cuz even I'm starting to hate myself.

Kkk nxt, it's kinda ironic tt we're so similar but I Duno if u realized. Mayb cuz u didn even bother knowing, mayb it's because I'm constantly trying to hide my character. But frm my perception, we. Are so god damn similar in terms of character. We.. Keep the distance cuz we don't want to get hurt, even wif tt said, sometimes we do irrational things. There's. So much more but I ain't gonna list them all down. Ah but Perhaps tt is wad ppl said... Like poles repel. We're going our seperate ways.

I'm. Sorry cuz I feel tt I'm gonna hurt u more than u shld be cuz sadly, I'm jus using u conveniently. Mayb u are doing the same but I.. Don't quite like the idea of having to settle wif smth tts nt my first choice, nor second, nor third. I'm sry but pls. Im sry I'm sry. Let's keep the distance.

I don't wanna hurt and I don't wanna get hurt no more. I had a human heart after all.

argh.

how do you like it when the thing tt u've worked hard to get for a few months to get got taken away by someone else who prolly didn even put in any effort and tt person is kinda like "hey dude, check it out, ive got this bitch and u lost u fking loser"
ho my mother father. can u imagine how much vulgarities tt went thru my mind..? arh.. i needa... calm down... perhaps.. chill and argh fk.

yea im...... ready to write a song. to tell world how much i hate this. how much hatred I haf for this world, hw many ppl i want to get rid of frm this world. perhaps.. perhaps.. i will destroy u first.
:)

This... Unhappy feeling.. Let's hope tt it will all disappear by tml.fk all these, where's my beer.

The brokened shall remain brokened and mayb break down further. Other pieces will able to shine better when placed in contrast of tt broken vase

Resist.

Nth much for today. Just lyrics.

"Love always ends with tears
but lingers in your heart
It blocks your path
so you can never run away
Don’t forget the memories of our love
I’ll only be happy if you
keep it in your heart forever

Sing a song for me
So I can send it to her
Love (yeah) Affection (yeah)
I want her to take it away
Yell loudly for me
And send it to her
Today (yeah) tomorrow (yeah)
Tell her not to look for me

Tell her not to look for me

The idea of having to protect something
Even though it wears you out,
even though you go crazy,
Doing that for you, I went crazy.
I was a ballerino that danced for you
at your beck and call.
Your face turned red as you laughed at me,
All darkness turned to light.
Even though the world turns
we said that we wouldn’t,
That we would always stay together.
We promised we would follow
one path together
But I’m alone
Still I reluctantly dance to the lingering music
Like a carousel in a darkened carnival
I’ll keep on smiling till deaths"

Heh kinda interesting lyrics to read lol.:| and sry for copying wholesale and jus removing some repetitive parts.

All tt I wanted to say for today is, I hope someone wld sing a song for me so tt it will reach her heart, As I rly feel tt I'm slowly getting torn apart day by day.  I wanted to leave so much,  but after seeing my bank account balance.. I simply walked away wif a frozen smile. But this pain.. Is quite hard to bear. Bleh

Jus woke up frm my slp and dreamt of woot. Fun joy and laughter. But as I come back to this reality, boredom, sorrow and fatigue hit me lol. Wad now, more challenge awaits me. I mus perservere and endure till I haf enuf money and walk out like how I walked in. For now... I shall live a sorrowful life. Light will embrace me after this test. Gah

slack

ive been slacking abt too much recently. completely ignoring my academics... aint rly a gd thing to do.

today's gonna be short. im not going into details.
i..still tink of u once in a while, but im quite..okay wif u being in the past and u wont appear in my life anytime soon.

i cant let u go even if i tried hard to. i wonder wad happened to u but.. well if possible, if theres a chance. i will still be there for u.

im. quite tired of my life now. its too meaningless. no. i dont like this. break free of these soon pls cy

Filthy humans.

ive previously wrote a whole post of complaining abt assholes ive had to deal wif ytd wif the above title.
den when i woke up in the morning, it occurred to me tt whining bout them aint gon be useful at all. so i might as well remove the whole thing.
hmm prolly to sum up, theres a cheapskate bitch who said tt students were taking up space and not making it profitable for us and she herself only bought 1 drink and took up the space for 3 ppl for like wad 2hrs+:? yea. and this dumb dude who's constantly tryin to slack off and tryin to convince me tt he constantly needs to shit for like 10++ mins. and lastly this weird human who likes to come late, oh no, likes to do weird things b4 coming to work and end up reaching like 1hr - 2hrs late. i wonder wads going on in their brains. jus looking at them makes me realize how disgusting a human's character can get, i... there will be more of these. there will be.. for there are alot of lowly characters running all over this earth. am i fit to criticize them? i hope so.

well well, tt sums up wad was intended for this post. to top up, im going to say smth.. slightly uplifting. haha. i went home after a tiring day at work and waited for dinner. hmm if i didn remb wrongly, last week they went out to haf smth nice tgt while im nt ard. so i tot today they are gonna do the same. den my bro went home and its jus left wif the 4 of us=.= which probably means tt we're jus gonna eat some random shit to simply fill our stomachs. i guess im feeling sore, since ive had a tough day, i wanted to eat smth nice badly and when i dont get it, im..grumpy lOL.so i told my family abt how disappointed i am and i wanted to EAT smth NICE, my dad ended up accomodating to my demands.. my god. why. and he said i cld order anything tt i wanted to order, and so i did. heh. but of cuz i chose the cheaper ones cuz even i might feel ashamed once in a while.
so yea tts pretty much all. jus so u noe, my dad is the kind who wld argue wif a kueh seller over like 20cents? but he actually gave in to my whining and ended up paying for a 40+ dollar dinner ( prolly nt rly considered expensive) but he cldve jus said no and merely buy us random food wif a total bill of proly bout 10+ dollars? eh it kinda surprised me but i guess he cld rly see my disappointed face and thus the decision. sigh. if only i got like loads of money.. i wanna buy my family some nice dinner too. =| perhaps.. soon..i hope. if smth nice happen to me i will.

Sore.

So I've been thinking, ' Haf I been thinking too much.?' Hahaa funny isn't it. Frm the beginning, I shldve stood and watched frm a higher position instead of jumping down into the mud pool and drowning myself in it. I'm constantly feeling sore whenever smth near me got taken away...well, truth is it nv belonged to me and... I'm jus feeling unhappy tt someone else is happy and not me.:| sore loser.? Perhaps I am. But, isn't it humane.? Which... Shldnt be the case for me tho. Argh, I constantly needa remind myself. "These are of minor concerns... These aren't impt..don't be stupid"

Constantly struggling between the light and the dark, I can feel so much anger today and it all got removed by my own comforting the nxt day. Funny, while at the same time ironic tt I've always tried to comfort other ppl and I ended up having to comfort myself as well. Anyway, one day I wld most likely gonna be pulled in and get stucked in the darkness, so let this post be a reminder to my future self tt even I had moments wherby I'm actually feeling happy for other ppl's happiness and I wld gladly go the xtra mile to make some1 else's day and not expecting any returns at all. Hahaha.. There are moments like tt... Only when I'm irrational. :) most of the time... I'm evil. Heh.


Need to wake up early tml.. Darned.
I wonder wad I will be tml, let's just hope it's smooth sailing.

Oh jus some side updates. Got a belated bday present frm my dear fren. Which made me kinda happy and sad at the same time, haha of cuz anyone wld be happy to receive a present but...... After I opened the present, I can't help but to give a cold laughter. Sincerely a bad present, it's so bad tt when I showed other ppl, they actually tot tt it's a prank or smth. But well well, a present is a present. I.. Shall accept tt sincerity and ermm .. Prolly chuck the present somewher lOl.! And yea. a return present is a must.

Oh fk I missed my bus.

like a fool.

i really wonder. if i shld b happy or angry. the sad truth will always appear in front of my eyes and try to convince me to stop doing all the stupid shit tt ive been doing. but... cant u jus give me happiness alrdy? ive sincerely ran ard in circles and haf worked so hard all these while. so... stop, stop torturing me wif all ur pranks alrdy pls? yea the 67 prank which u did so many times. its rly annoying. uve punished me enuf for my sins i suppose. the repeating of my final year, the failing of my driving tests. isnt it enuf? cant u jus let me haf smth to be happy abt.?

as i was thinking if life's gonna get better cuz... its kinda peaceful these few days till...heh. Seeing some stuffs tt made my mood sank to the bottom of the seabed. Heh. Thus explaining the need for the alcohol again.

here comes the idea. of some ppl nt having to do much and achieving wad everybdy wanted, while some other human fighting wif all their life and nt getting anything in return. wad now. fairness? no such thing. so...im gonna.. keep tt mentality in mind and... twist it to my favour.

cuz good guys dont last. bad guys do.
hatred and anger. ive got so much of both



 lol.

jealousy/nothing.

Jealousy: an emotion, typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

jealousy. i hope tt my eyes were kinda playing tricks on me and wad i tot i saw was nt actually the thing i saw. nonetheless.. it sux.
work seems pretty much meaningless and the returns.... aint worth the effort. im sincerely considering my dad's offer and hope tt i can jus live like a freeloading leech at home.

argh. outta ideas again...=_= i shall jus end it short... tt feeling of hopelessnes.. the breatheless jealousy... i.. cant take much of it.

its a quarter after 2.im kinda..tipsy as usual.

Nth special. Nth happy. It's q filled wif nothingness anw.

Jus gonna end here.

Heh.U suck. Omg.

Ure blinded.

U are totally blinded. So as I am. I shan't blame u. It's pretty normal for tt to happen, so wad am I supposed to do nw. Start pushing forward.? No. I'm afraid of failure, much more than u do, more than any other human as well. I.. Can't afford to lose anymore, time ain't on my side this time ard and I've got so much to lose as compared to other ppl.

Loads of things I wanted to talk abt but whenever I reach this page I forgot wad I wanted to say.
Well well I shall jus list them down and elaborate if I haf the mood to edit it later.

I don't wan it, but I don't wanna gif it to other ppl either. :| quite evil eh. Part of me told me tt I shld let other ppl haf it so I will feel happy tt at least other ppl are made better off w/o me becoming worse off. Tts econs. Hahah this way, the market will be more efficient. Tt said, the feeling tt someone else is made better off becoz of me while I didn get anything in return makes me feel kinda unhappy. Lol, weird eh.? Y am I like this.

 Tho I feel tt it was q nice to hear quite abit frm u since... I started, no since u started distancing urself frm me, whether it was intentional or not but yes, since tt wide distance widened further, I remb hw it feels like again perhaps. Tho the feeling isn't tt strong as compared to b4, a part of my brain urged me tt "pls protect this person, pls make her happy as much as u can." But, I guess it's beyond my abilities tho. I wanna try harder, I don't wanna give too much. The dilemma I've always been facing these months, I sincerely Duno. I don't noe. I've got no clue.

Screw  me.

Ure blinded, the thing tt u wanted so badly cldve easily be obtained if u looked ard u. It's almost jus right in front of u but u don't see it cuz ure blinded by smth else tt u tot it's urs