September.

How time flies, it's September again. My Favourite month of the year, wher it's no longer tt hot and stuff. Rly looking forward to leaving the job. It's.. Gon be a load off my chest. The prolonged suffering is finally stopping and this time, I guess I haf no regrets. After all.. I didn even noe why I bothered giving 4mths of my life to them, while I've been trying to improve tt place, things did change, but I'm pretty sure tt the people didn. So it's jus gonna fall back into the same patterns, same routine.. Heh.

Ive tried. I worked hard. I rly did my best. If u guys didn manage to learn anything frm me, it's.. Sad but oh well.

Hmm, The past year has been pretty.... Oh wait, I'll keep tt for my Thursday's post. Hahaha.

So for now Ill jus do a mini countdown on my own, I won't say tt "yays life's gon be hell lots of better", cuz, it may not be. Change can be painful, change can be slow, change is difficult but, if we don't change we can't improve, if we don't fight we can't win, if I lose, I'll jus fight again. If i keep failing... Well I'll jus scold some vulgarities, drink some alcohol and.. Emo for a while.. And den see how it goes.? Lol but the point is u noe, if u don't try u won't know, if ure resistant to change,  ure bound to get stucked in a shithole, a swamp, a pool of quicksand, sooner or later.

Hence! Pls.. Let it be fast, let it be smooth. I think I've alrdy had enuf of sucky parts of life. Tho I do haf myself to blame but, pls.? Lemme be happy soon. I'm rly dying for it.

I'm so eager to leave omfg.

Tt twist of fate

Lol was jus going home after work and u noe, being fked by the crowded bus. And wif a weary body, beat-up look. In tt bus tt I wanna take, I saw a familiar face. Oh tt pretty face. Well I ain't ready yet, not ready to converse wif u yet.

Heh. Ain't tt life.? When.. U rly wanted to see someone, u don't see her even if u tried so hard to go outta ur way and go the longer route in order to see tt person, u don't get to. When, u hoped tt u won't Hafta see tt person, she will jus appear at the most random places, at the most awkward moments. Lol.

Well putting tt aside, pretty upset tt I wasn't able to help, well, I Hafta be stone hearted after all. Tho u guys haven't been...real nice... U guys ain't tt bad either. so. I will resist. Resist it till I can throw in my apron, or smth like tt. Hahha. Looking forward but, I'm pretty certain tt... I'm gonna be so disappointed on nxt thur. Tt sad day. Even tho I promised myself last year tt I wld be happy this year. I didn fufill it. And apparently... The past year has been.. Pretty much sad and mre boring than the previous one. Let's jus pray tt the turning point is near, things will be looking up pretty soon.?

Even tho I won't break just yet, wldnt hurt to jus let me smile happily for once.?

Lies.

Ok. so I had to lie again. I finally decided tt it was time for me to go for real. Disregarding the fact tt they wld be so shorthanded and stuff, im not gonna walk in their shoes, think frm their perspective this time. If I don't start doing things for myself, who would. So yea, I had to harden my heart and I had to rip u ppl out.
Lie, I lied. So tt u ppl can let me go peacefully, well since i don't think u ppl wld be able to understand how I feel, I haf to do it this way. Yea I quit my job jus becoz I wanna to but I lied tt I've alr gotten a permanent job offer, so tt they wld let me go without pulling my hind leg.

It's rly sticky, this job tt is, i wld always unconsciously go the extra mile to do my job wel, tho other ppl may not think so, one day they will, or if they aren't the kind who will try to look at things frm other ppl's view.. Well too bad. Few days left.. Can't wait to jus get the hell outta this shit.

Felt sour, sad tt I'm unable to help & Unable to share but well, I noe wad went wrong, I uds how u feel. Listen to those who failed and not those who passed, as they won't noe the exact reason as to how they did it; and the failures rly do reflect upon their past actions. Lol wad was I saying.

As a human we only haf a brain and 2 hands. And one freaking body tt has q limited Amt of physical capabilities. Not to mention only 24hrs per day. There is only so much u can do, filling up ur whole schedule may make u feel tt "oh my fking life is so fufilling" but well, sometimes things jus don't work out the way u planned for. My calculations were pretty much spot on, I missed by a little bit, but tt little bit actually made a huge difference in my life. Tt... Miserable 2 points..cost me 1year of my life, and a huge part of my social group.

Haaha. So wads the main point.. Oh sometimes even wif precise calculations, there will be one or 2 unexpected events tt wld tweak ur calculations slightly off ur expectations and tt may haf a huge ass impact in ur life.
thus, do wad u can, and not ALL tt u wanna do. Cuz at the end of the day, ppl will jus "wow.awesome. Ok" when u survived all tt shit but if u failed to do so, they wld gif u tt freaking look and say "see, I told u. U shldve done this done tt blabla bla" all those fkin ppl.

Ure stronger than other ppl, jus tt the things u took up.. Was alittle bit too much for urself, and there's tt fking negative externality tt affected ur performance. Discard some of those stuff tt gif u "satisfaction" and focus on those necessities instead k. :(
Ure smart, ure strong, a superior human, but perhaps ur emotions got the better of u.

Well. Tt goes for u too cy.
Omg I'm so looking forward to nxt week. I wanna start doing things for myself., instead of helping others and not getting any returns.

You cannot advance.

can't sleep. For fks sake and I've gotta wake up early tomorrow. Re-read those old posts and it reminded me of those happy times. Well.. It made my heart flutter again.:)) It has been so ambiguous. If I've attacked at the right timing, wld things had been different.? If I cld see this future, wld I have been able to act differently.? I've hated rejections and failures. I've hated putting in effort becoz I wld feel very demoralized when things I worked for didn turn out the way I hoped for. I've been optimistic, ive always told myself tt "if I've tried harder, I wldve succeeded" but frankly speaking, looking back at my records. It's full of failures and I'm like utterly ashamed of myself.

Perhaps the me tt I tot I am didn exist at all and I'm jus a fking loser in every other ppl's eyes. Tt sucked. I rly rly hoped tt I cldve been back into ur life. But I think I've alrdy lost the right to be. I rly wanted to take the step forward, but I noe, there is this wall tt u built wif solid bricks tt alrdy stood between u and I.  Tt sucked too.

Staring at ppl who looked like u always warmed my heart, well I cannot cfm if tt is u but... Regardless, I felt tt it's jus someone.. Who resembles u. How long has it been, I can't rmb. It... Felt like it's been a very long while while...at the same time recent. Perhaps I shldve been braver, perhaps I shldn be tt passive, and irrationale at the end. Well. I miss u. Like rly. I'm screaming to tt wall every now and then, hoping tt u wld hear it.. But I'm pretty certain tt all I see wldve just been those bricks by boring bricks.


Ah.
ill forget abt u again tml, I'll live life like normal, I'll continue striving for my own goals. But today, I'll jus.. Well. Feel moody and stuff. Hah.


Hah.
Cy. U fking joke.

It's just me.

Yea. It's just me who jus can't seem to let go. The feelings always come back and then I will feel like doing smth stupid, only to be stopped by my sanity and logical brain. Tho my brain has a history of making loads of irrationale choices, it seems to be working pretty ok these days. I think.

I wasn't able to achieve anything yet, thus my pride doesn't allow me to u noe, meet up wif old frens and then letting them gif me tt bloody look tt says "wad a poor lowly human" yea. Tt is why. I won't meet u ppl until I'm able to look u ppl straight in the eyes. It felt pretty bad for someone like me to be so short of confidence at the moment but... Someday. I believe I will pick myself up. And when it happens, I'll be sure to get back all of my frens. And mayb.. Getting u back. As a friend.

It's always better to haf more friends right.? Somebody will definitely come in handy on some occasions. Heh. So... Here's to a better life. A future tts worthy of looking forward to. Strive for it cy.



If I see you on the streets one day, shld I say hi to u with a smile and pass u by? Wld u be hoping tt it will never happen.?

well.

well...fk. results are out and i didn get the results i wanted even though i did some last minute praying. my bro and my dad said its fine, but.. i...didn win. thus i aint able to be tt happy about it. makes me wonder if i shldve concentrated on my studies instead of u noe, working my ass off.


1 year worth of debt, a class of honours in my degree...who is able to judge which one of it is more worth it.


imma jus gon let this rest and..live life again tml. arhgf.

escape.

watching running man is rly...helpful. duno if ive alrdy mentioned it b4, regardless of it being exam period, bored period, shitty times. watching it helps me forget abt the shits tt happened, tts abt to happen, and shits tts happening in progress. hahaha.


tt empty feeling, i havent felt it in q a while, cuz previously i had this mind set on doing smth and tt was my goal frm the moment i opened my eyes till the moment i lay down on my bed again.
and then suddenly this thought popped up, wad is waiting for me at the end. given my record, even if i do sacrifice my time, my life, my effort, things dont always turn out the way i wanted, in fact, it always turned out as the worst case scenerio.


tt really sucked big time. even if i do make it, who's gonna be there cheering for me, and if i dont, wld there be anything to pick me up and tell me "its ok, try harder and u will make it" well well. even tho ive lived through so many of these occasions whereby im jus fighting for myself, i still cant get used to it...without anyone to rly share my happiness and sorrow wif.
its just temporary. im just... u noe, ranting out somewhere cuz... i noe ppl wont like hearing other ppl ranting ranting and whining. they like to hear funny stuff, things tt make them feel better abt themselves, if nt they wont even listen. perhaps i am the same, but at least i will try to listen. so... pls listen to me too :|


oh well tt said, i dont quite like giving up without fighting, im stilll gonna go back and study. and even though i dont quite looking forward to my tomorrow, ill... get through it.. and i willl haf a day tt i can look forward to.. someday.


make it happen cy.

Just one of those days.

Oh it's more abt ytd, like, it's national day and stuff and majority of the people were like having fun, watchin fireworks and shit. While my day started wif working wif someone who thinks tt she's pretty damn good and then going home being tired as shit while at the same time not being able to fall aslp.
So after much struggle, I got a short nap and went for a late dinner with my parents. I felt... Pretty bad, in a sense tt why am I home and not with my frens. Den I started thinking, how will my parents feel if even I'm not home.

Nonetheless, after looking through all those social media updates abt all those ppl having fun outside while me staring blankly at my opened textbook( obviously not learning anything new) I start feeling rly sour. Somehow.... After talking some crap with my fren, I felt slightly better but tt is nt enough for me to... U noe, remove the urge for some beer. Had some beer and slept. It felt.. Pretty bad cuz the nxt day I woke up at 6+ for god knows what reason.

Then I start my snail-like process of studying.

Oh, not to mention my bro's gf came over to my house again during my afternoon "nap" and yea I was awakened by the conversation going on outside. Pretty much my mum bitching bout shits. Namely,  my family stuffs, to my bro's gf. Like wtf. As I said to my bro in exact words, bitching is one thing, telling half truths are unacceptable. For most people wld haf this bad impression on this person(due to previous statements made by those fking bitches) and it becomes a self fufilling prophecy whereby u will convince urself tt "yea he/she was right" whereby u merely caught minor hints tt might seem to fit tt impression tt u alrdy haf and... Just... U noe, haf a very bad impression of tt person. If u get wad I meant.
It's bad if ure bring down ur "frenS", colleagues, anyone in ur social group, it's rly intolerable if ure doing it to ur family.

So tt kinda pissed me off and I gave my mum a little punishment to remind her of her lines, don't think it helped but. I had to get it off my chest. Cuz who noes? Tt person saying bad stuff about other ppl will one day start saying stuff abt u behind ur back too. And it's exceptionally hurting if it's someone u trusted so much, someone u call.. Ur family.

So yea. The 2nd half of this entry is to remind ppl tt.. Mayb u don't rly mean it, or mayb u do mean it, it's a rly horrible thing to do, to mislead other ppl into assuming tt the other person is smth, tt he isn't. Potraying tt victim as a Villian doesn't make u a hero, ure jus low.

When my heart starts beating again.

How long has it been since my last update. Hmm lazy to check so I shall leave it as it is. People always hoped tt they cld go back in time to change their present state, while forgetting tt what they do today determines their future. This basic rule of life has been neglected by so many people.

Had so many moments which I wanted to re-live again but den again, I guess I Hafta trust myself tt, at that given moment, given situation, I've made the right choice. No one wldve known how it wldve turned out and I think I didn leave any regrets.
And I thought tt if I had the courage to reach out for u, I'll be able to grab ur hands. Well I guess tts not gonna happen. So much for my preparation. So long. I hope u... Won't haf a good life:) and then u will remb the times wher someone treated u so damn well. and den u can start regretting. Heh.

My time is almost up. I haf to say gdbye to my slack life, whether I like it or not. But it wldve been a new start to my life I suppose. I've gone thru some shit, and I've learnt and grown.. To become what I am now. So plz, gif me a good life ahead of me.? I'm sure tt I will work hard to achieve it.

But for nw.. Let's jus chill and take my own sweet time studying this darned dry "ownership rights" chapter. Argfh

When it starts beating again, I'll try to be less bothered with my pride. I promise.

interesting.

That marked the end of mhan's wedding. Was pretty fun. And had gd food. Only sad thing is tt I jus had to get drunk again. So tt sucked so much.

Wells.. It was rly nice hanging out wif my frens and u noe, spending money to haf fun. It was interesting and it made me not wanting to go back into my hermit lifestyle. Cuz being wif my frens...rly put a wide smile on my face. And I won't haf the cheek to face ALL of my frens if I ain't able to step out of my comfort zone, and get a freaking job.

I want. To. Step outside so much.

the journey fufilled.

Not tt I... Ok I can't rly focus on studying at home, cuz u noe, my bed is so... Attractive all day long. And my fone's begging me to touch it every now and then. And thus I finally made it a point to step outta my hse today disregarding any issues like "waste of money, waste of time" etc. It wld be nice to step out and take a look at the world around me every once in a while after all.

I felt tt I rly needed tt fresh air.

Nonetheless, even tho it wasn't that productive for me, I wld like to say tt it's nt a bad choice after all.
Rly wanted to drink ytd night but somehow I managed to stop my self from doing it. yays.
well

For peace.

I wonder why are ppl Constantly trying to bring down others. No matter how the humans evolve, they can't co-inhabit this world peacefully. I meant the real real peacefulness, tho it's pretty much peaceful in majority of the world, not mentioning the tragic happenings in the Middle East, or the previous event in Eastern Europe.

I'm talking abt the more micro thingies. If u can follow my flow. In a classroom, there will be at least one or 2 person(or mayb more) ure nt tt close to and u wld hope tt they cld jus vanish jus so tt everyone ard u is "ur close fren". Or mayb there will be ppl u hate and u don't like and u will badmouth the person whenever u get the chance. For. Wad. To give oneself a sense of superiority, by verbally bringing a person down infront of someone who "agrees" with u, behind tt victim's back. Well in work places, the game is pretty much played differently, previously u cld jus ignore the person or, jus u noe, get a bunch of frens and bully tt person or smth. In the working environment, well, although u still do the badmouthing, u try to do it as discreetly as u can. Despite saying tt "not tt I wanna talk behind ppl's back but bla bla bla, or haiyo tt guy ah... Hai yah... *shakes head* " etc etc and den , when they are in front of the person of topic, they will act as tho nth happened, and mayb chat and smile like they are real frens. They call it being diplomatic, or Wadever term u might wanna phrase it, tho in a sense, it's pretty much pure hypocrisy.

Facing these kind of things daily. And being able to hone my.. 'Diplomatic' skills for the past few years, smth inside me changed as well. Well of cuz whenever I'm conscious I'll try my best not to be one of those ppl who.. U noe, yea but sometimes... It jus comes out. the words jus flows outta my mouth and I became like one of them. I'll jus try to minimize it but, on the hindsight. I hope tt I wldve Enuf courage to speak to the people involved in front of their faces too. Like sincerely, for the sake of their personal improvement. Tho many times I've been proven tt my words won't be able to Change their character... I'll.. Try ok. And yea I will try my best to improve myself too.

I want to be different. I want to be above everyone else, by not bringing anyone down and understanding their strengths and weaknesses, and helping them improve if possible.

Well the whole thing came bcoz of my brothers actually. Even after knowing each other for 20+ 30+ years, and staying tgt for abt 20+ years, ppl are still not able to uds each other thoroughly. I wonder why. Izzit becoz they haf nv ever tried to know the other party, or izzit tt the other party nv intended to let himself be read at all.

Some minor disagreements arose these few days due to my bro's wedding. I sincerely hope tt they don't take these too seriously bcoz.. U noe, we're brothers. And I sincerely do not hope tt we will be uncomfortable hanging out with each other, or rather, enemies wldve been the worst case scenerio.

Yea. I'll see wad I can do.

Will humans ever be able to attain true peace.? Frm a Macro and micro perspective.

wrench.

Times whereby u tot ure alr over it, den seeing smth tt brings back all the memories. Tt moment where u felt as tho someone jus squeezed ur heart  literally. Haha had tt moment last night but well. It rly jus lasted for a while but still, lols.

Pretty not a constructive Friday cuz I went jogging, and den I slept. LOl. And I went to causeway point in hope tt I'll be able to find nice special cakes for my mother. But ended up realizing tt the shops available are pretty much the same as the ones in bukit panjang. Hence I headed back to bpp instead. Total waste of time and transport fare.
So my brothers wanted to come back wif their wives to u noe, celebrate oh wait. I had the intention of buying pizzas for my mum since there's this 2 pizzas for blabla dollars. So yea I tot if it's jus 2 more ppl, I guess there's enuf pizza to go ard. Suddenly, another bro of mine decided to come for pizza as well,( originally he said he's not coming) and yea. I tot I needed more. It's pretty ex to me cuz my income is merely half or less than half of my previous income. Yea I'm a leech at home so yea, bought 4 of em nonetheless.
After tt I gt this bad premonition, so I called home. And my mum told me tt she alr cooked dinner. wtfbbq. Yes, I alr told her tt I'm gon buy pizza so told her nt to cook. I totally felt tt I jus threw my pocket money tt cldve lasted for a week or 2 into the sea.

Well... I shldve called b4 buying. I didn take into consideration tt she's such an ass. So On my way home I'm totally fuming but I took in a lot of deep breathes to calm down. Argh. Wtf bbq.

Ah so tts tt. It's jus like u can make plans tt fits perfectly, but there'll always be one or 2 asses to screw ur plan up for u no matter how precise ur plans were.

It's her bday.. But... U noe.. Tt feel, tt anger. Argfgh.

Mind body and soul.

living life. havent gained enuf confidence yet. eager to fly but, u noe, u nv noe wad can happen if u leave the nest before you are ready.

K fine shall update it since theres not much content previously.

Met a close jc fren few days ago, or rather we actually still kept in touch when we're in uni. But when smth bad happened to me, I cut everyone away frm my life. Well I can't b truthful abt my failure, since... Ppl always expect me to do well, I don't haf the patience to explain and tell everyone of my frens hw stupid i were, I am.? So yea, talked abt some interesting memories and a little bit of my life recently, it was kinda awkward but I guess it turned out.. Ok. Heh.

Trying hard to do useful stuff these days, with these 3 words in mind, "mind body and soul"
Heh. Trying to make sure tt I don't rly waste these slacking days and trying my best to enrich myself. Studying cfa is supposed to add value to my brain. Tts the mind section.

Body: yes I'm training up my body, for a nicer looking body ahha. Reducing the body fats at my abdominal area and training up my arm str. But.. Tt doesn't seem to be working out well since I jus look like a skinny mofo. Sigh.

Soul: hmm. Currently I'm playing some drums to make sure tt I don't go out of practice. So tt whne the time comes and I haf to display my skills, I won't be disappointed. Haha there are millions of skills out there for ppl to acquire. I wld love to acquire all of them but.. In my limited lifespan, and limited time.. There's only so much i can learn. Well. I guess piano is next, but of cuZ, other than enriching my soul, priority goes to the mind and body enhancement process.


Tt pretty much summed up what I'm up to these days. I feel tt it's.. Meaningful in its own way. Not jus squandering time away I hope..well then, time to roll of my bed and get back to work


so life's normal, many moments where i thought to myself ugh shld i do this and den ill tell myself nope. no u shldnt connect back the bonds tt uve worked so hard to cut away. welll..... plenty sleepy these days and i wonder why, but work hard ok. its a tough road but i will be able to get throught these.


after alll im cy.


hahahaha, took steps to reconnect but, at the final step i started to hesitate. why shld i even do tt. i shldve jus moved forward.

Misery business

Was so about to u noe, write abt all the misery tt I'm enduring alone. But then again, apparently the signs were telling me not to.

Anw hi. It's ur bday as usual; one year passed tt quickly. I guess I'm definitely a bloody fool for thinkin tt u noe, we cld jus catch up on stuff or smth but hahahah. I guess not. Okay no loss. I'm cool. Hope u got to enjoy a day out wif ur frens and/or ur special one. Well, don't say tt it's nth special, it's an excuse I guess, for someone to feel special once per year. Pls do feel special, it's so not just another day if u didn treat it tt way k.? K bye.

Oh pretty much shopped for the attire we needed to wear for mhan's wedding. Heh. Feels kinda nice tt I'm able to meet new ppl, and I think they're q cool to hang out wif. Well, good frens of my good fren shld mean tt I shld be able to click well wif em right.? Hah. Nt sure how these will turn out but, yea nice to meet them and... Hope tt the wedding day will be fun as well.

There's like some many stuff tt I wanted to buy, but ugh. Tt money... My bank is in a never before seen crisis and it felt so bad. I even started to think tt "no, I'm nt the one who spent it. Someone must've stole my card or smth". But yea of cuz... It's all done by me. Sigh. Even tho I tried to live so frugally... Things still turn out this way omg. We'll... See how it goes I guess hehe.

I will not feel down becuz I haf other impt things to worry abt. So what if there's a lot of shit going on ard me. I won't be defeated.. Not so easily.:)

watch me.

The hardest part of love is choosing to let go of the person so tt he/she cld be happier.

Bachelors'

Had a bachelors' party last night. Supposingly. Lol cuz I don't rly noe what a bachelors' party shld be like but i think tt it shld include some alcohol and stuff so I think... Yup we had a bachelors' party last night.

Alcohol is rly smth tt helps bond ppl closer. Tts wad I think, tts prolly the answer I've been searching for. Under the influence of alcohol and dim lights, ppl become more truthful, ppl become more friendly and open, removing all the false pretense they put up day in day out. Secrets will be told, and we wld laugh at the tiniest thing. I guess generally ppl become happier after drinking but of cuz, the cost of it is to haf a hangover the next day and prolly puking ur guts out.

Well I hope everyone had fun. Especially to my very close fren who's getting married. Taking tt step forward and becoming a husband is smth I think a lot of ppl don't haf the courage for. Tt amt of responsibility tt comes along with it is unimaginable I guess. Like promising smbdy tt "yea I'm gon take care of u forever". Jus thinking abt it is giving me the creeps lol. K fine to be fair, it's nt like I didn haf tt mentality before but... U noe, sometimes it's q hard to follow through with tt decision. Like after a few years, won't u look at those ppl who's not married having helluva fun but u having to go home and u noe, take care of tt fking crying baby. Yup it will be worth it but.. Of cuz there shld be moments whereby u will go like "fk this.. I shldnt haf gotten married"

Still... I'm glad tt I got to send him off. Hahaha. This is it. Gdbye freedom for him. Hello to the nxt stage of life.

Well on the other hand.. I'm still deep in the sea of freedom and relaxation. I noe I'm so gonna pay a price of these freedom I'm enjoying now but, I'll.. See how it goes. Ill yea. Haha.

Letting go.
Now tt I think I'm pretty much close to the truth. Perhaps it's rly time to let it go. Just another yesterday's idea.
The last goodbye tt is said by my heart. Will nv reach ur ears but at least, it reached my brain. And I shld be able to move on from tt spot sincerely frm nw on. No sorrow, no more emotions.

Why. How.

So why did I fall in love with drinking. Err tracing back to the beginning... It was... When... I was....18.? And den all those social gatherings tt I haf to go always somehow happen to involve alcohol made me not mind drinking it. I guess I evolved further when I was in uni. Heh.

Lols when asked abt wad my interests and hobbies were.. I don't think I can gif a gd answer. Lol cuz I don't play soccer, I don't play basketball, k I don't play any sports, and I don't do anything in particular. LOL jus sleeping and breathing and prolly doing some studying. Perhaps a boring life but.... Well tts how I liked it:) too bad abt tt heh.

I rly rly gonna leave soon. Hahaha. Like soon cuz.. Well. I've gotta set my priorities well. Wasting anymore time wldve been.. Pretty bad. So, yea I'll.. Leave. Soon.

Heh. Can't fall asleep again-__- it's 3am btw and I have to wake up at 6. Damn it all.
But well managed to grab a line outta a song tts pretty interesting. Heh.

 "So please. This is my last favour. If you ever run into me, will u please smile at me, who can't forget you?"
Such a.. Sad sentence lols. But ok tt will b my message for today.:)

Close far.

It felt tt ure still closeby and I can reach u if I jus extended my arm. But I realised, no tts nt true. All I see is jus an illusion. Ure alrdy long gone. In a place far, far away. Tt sense of familiarity shldve disappeared by nw. If we ever meet again, we will be probably strangers. Or merely hi-bye. But well it's nt like i didn try, so I guess I don't haf any regrets. Tho the chances are slim, if we ever haf the chance to get in contact again, I hope I wldve alr became a better man. But even if we don't ever contact each other, I guess, it's fine too. I suppose all these sticky past will be gone soon anw. As usual, I'll live so it's fine.

Oh yay. Ok. And lols I actually don't haf much time to entertain, ok I don't wanna spend anytime entertaining anyone who's not worth entertaining. Sry bout tt. I ain't the friendly type to begin with. Ok mayb I was but now, I'm definitely not. So unless u gif me a good reason tt I shld be nice to u and entertain u, yea. I'm jus gon reply only when I felt like it.

Pretty much sinking into my freee life. But well, I can't say tt I hate it. Fine I'll climb out of it soon la. Not much money left anw. Lols

Drinking 2.

Went for steamboat at mhao hse today, was originally pretty anxious abt hw they will grill me bout u noe, my job and shit which is fking annoying, it.. Didn rly happen luckily. Heh. So even tho I lost $10 in gambling, I felt tt it's pretty ok too. It was fun. I rly suppose tt this cld be one of our last gathering whereby we can enjoy so freely tgt. Well since every single one of us is abt to u noe, step into the society and... Work?!

Ah. Those times were fun but... When the time comes, we haf to grow regardless of how reluctant we are. And yes I've alrdy reached the limit of my welcome( to stay home and rot) it's perhaps... Time for me to embrace my new world too. Sigh.. Cy.. Let's go

Concern

Much of me still remained there. There are times wher I felt rly lonely and jus hoped to haf some1, just anyone to be wif me. But I knew, it wld come at a cost. Like, if u need someone to be wif u when u need them, u must be prepared to be wif them when they need u too. The law of equivalent trade haha. that it itself... Could be too much of a hassle since I haf my own goals, targets or Wadever tt I wanna meet. Sparing my extra time on those ppl wld pretty much be a waste of time.

Though I'm pretty much wasting time playing games and slacking anw, but to me it's time well spent since I'm jus using it on myself u see. But.. Ok i hope it's fine Hahha as in I hope this kind of mentality is still acceptable by the social norms. Well someone once said tt I looked like I don't rly care abt things regarding relationships.? Tts so very wrong. I'm mega concerned, it's jus tt I didn wan to even waste my time on a 2nd glance for female human tt is most likely an unsuitable candidate, like mayb too pretty or...too not pretty.  Teh heh. If someone who qualifies to be my ideal partner appears i wld definitely be more proactive abt it. Hahaha. K exaggerated but ya, as of now I'm just trying to put myself as my centre of my world since, giving up so much for other ppl made me lose so much and with almost ZERO RETURNS is pretty much unappealing hence, since now tt I'm free from those bindings, some quality chill time for myself wldn be too much right.?

Yup tts.. Me. I'm self-centered for now. And even tho I sincerely hoped tt I cld be part of ur life and express my concerns abt u even when u felt tt the whole world is against u but. All I cld do is to, forget u and not appear in ur life anymore.

ill be cool. ill remain as a spectator, jus watching and praying for ur happiness. for as long as i can before i move on yea? ok bye.

Drunk

So I slept a hell lot ytd and today. Went for some horrible drinking session and puked my ass off. Sigh I'm totally nt as gd as I used to be. Well jus being worse than before. The hangover is rly bad and I had to lay in bed till 2+Pm today. For wad, I Duno. But well perhaps for a fren.? Since he ain't feeling all too happy or smth.

Well supposed to b a fun experience if I didn overshot the limit again-_-
K well so it's done, luckily I didn rly lose anything this time heh. So it's cool.

Haf to remember. Haf to remember. Cuz I'm slowly getting dragged by those annoying pride issues but, yea I'm slowly forgetting things tt are rly impt. So YES.

Do not forget bro. Keep it in mind. Remb. Ur goal.

Oboimashita.

I remembered.

After swimming around in the mud pool for a month, or rather disgusting coffee pool, my life has been abt surviving week after week, getting by day by day. Feeling disgusted, unhappy, humiliated. I almost forgot about my goals. My goal is not to just about surviving, it's about..triumphing. It's about looking down at the world frm the top.

So tt I can be a greater person, a greater person who can get ur heart fluttering, a greater person who can have u. Well even if I didn manage to get u, being great will make me satisfied enuf. So...ha. Tho u didn do anything, we aren't even in contact. I'm jus being a creep, probably, but err if u look at it frm another point of view, it's jus about a man. Wanting to be become better becuz he has a goal in mind.?

Well i guess it's rly hard for a man to slog his guts out if he doesn't has a goal in mind. Be it a short term or a long term one, be it a meaningful one or not, the act of working hard towards smth is worthy enough of praise. So... Perhaps good job cy. Go and fufill ur, my destiny.

Thank u. Regardless, hmm.. Jus for being, erm u noe, yea. Ok.

Thank u nonetheless.

Let me.

Let me forget the past.
Let me have the courage to step into the real world.
Let me ignore all the minor unhappiness caused by insignificant filths.
Let me haf to motivation to finish up my studies. Mayb tml, mayb. Soon pls.

Those memories are pretty annoying, tt urge to go back to the times when I'm happy, having someone who managed to move my heart. But, reality says tt it's alr over. There's no way to go back to tt moment anymore. So I jus let out a deep sigh and go into a minor depression. For abt. 0.062144 seconds.? Den I remembered tt I shld b working hard towards my goal. The studying tt needa to be done. So yea able to put it aside. Tho it will jus come back every once in a while.. But I guess it's fine. I'll live.
So yup saw, someone tt looks like someone who used to matter a lot to me so, thus the surge of emotions. Well, I'm still gon be me. I'm still gonna be heartless and cold. I shld be, if not, I wld b hurt again. Which won't be nice.

Mega distracted

Much as I'm motivated to study, workin in a cafe is definitely a dream crusher. Lol. I had this moment  whereby I totally wanted squash all of their conceited ass but, hhahaa. The nxt moment I remb tt these minor humans ain't worth my time. Haha no, they didn do nth, jus don't quite like myself being humble and all lol. Funny isn't it, since they're the incumbent and I'm jus dere for a while, I told myself to be humble and jus do Wadever they ask me to do. But after a while, my pride... Once hailed as the best, now.... Lol wad haf I bcome. BUT NO, interfering wif their business is totally nt worth it. -_- I noe, I've got better things to do. Like study lOl. But u noe sometimes.. I jus can't help losing in any form.

K fine. I'll. Calm down and jus briefly talk abt stuff. Hahah. Random thought abt my cash flow issues. LOl. I was thinking even tho I'm quite trying my best to scrimp and save, loads of random huge spendings jus had to come my way. Like, club, meds frm dermatologist, Errm prolly furnitures for my room too. Ugh so I was wondering whether my outflow is higher than my inflow. But well those were... Mandatory spendings so I don't haf much things to comment heh.

So I guess it's pretty cfmed. I'm most prolly gon be a groomsmen in July and sep. Heh. Side note, freaking reservist in dec argh.

K so tts pretty awesome. Groomsmen and all. Hahaa kinda looking forward to it tho I think I won't know what to do. LOL looking forward, wif some anxiety. Heh. I guess I've reached tt age wher... My frens are getting married and I Duno wtf I'm doing Lol. Well life's short, y hurry yea?.

For now... Tts all.! Yay hahah needa study but my hands jus needa touch my fone every now and den but nt doing anything

Recovery.

Took a day and a half to fully recover frm jus tt one clubbing. But why is it tt clubs are so empty these nights. With more clubs closing down, I supposed the remaining ones wld be full of ppl but it's proven otherwise. Why. Well. Ok fine. Heh.

Severely lagging behind my schedule. What's new. Mega sleepy these days for some reason k yes alcohol ok but arghs. Sigh. Hafta stay away frm it. It feels so damn bad every single moment at work lol. I wld be cursing and feeling down every single moment there. So tts pretty sad. It's like, I kinda need the money and time, but I'm totally nt fully utilizing the time tt I cld spare. Wad a waste isn't it, like I'm getting the worst of both worlds. Nt having money and nt studying. Wad now, Tryta buck up den, and I'll try to keep up wif myself .

Gotta immerse in music therapy. To remind myself of the happy times. Those short lived ones. Heh. Uh. Ah. .

smth better

I'm pretty much wasting my time away, I'm so gonna regret it few weeks later. Clearing out my room and my dad repainted it. There is an image of a classy black grey room in my mind but... Tt wldve required some money and I don't think tts rly ideal. I'll see wad I can do, with the least amount of money, making the most out of everything.

Decided to throw away those soft toys in my room, even tho it kinda... Hurt.? Hmm jus a little bit of reluctance to throw it away. Even tho they are all in a pretty gd condition, mum suggested  tt I gif it to someone who might've wanted it, but u noe, these kind of things jus accumulate. And I don't think anyone wldve wanted some 2nd hand, prehistoric soft toys ya.? Threw it away after staring at it fr abt 2 seconds. Yea, one has t be able to kill his emotions in order to be able to haf a nicer looking room. And so I did.

Tt aside, Ive also been doing smth routinely, well it used to be useful? K mayb not, but now it's totally pointless but I.. Jus can't kick the habit. Note to self, perhaps I will jus slowly drift away. Someday U will jus completely disappear frm my memories, but.. Jus not today I guess. Just. Not today.

Mayb I'll throw away all the cards and stuff tt piled up in my drawer too.

Just another yesterday's idea

So tt marks the end of this week's work schedule. It's pretty... Tiring, given tt I can't slp the night b4 for some unknown reasons. And I wonder why can't I behave cooly as per normal. Something inside me.. Is different and I don't noe what.

Yes am freaking tired after work today but I can't seem to be able to fall asleep at all. And so, I'm mega tired for the rest of the NigHt. DEN, my body started telling me tt "c'mon cy, GET SOME BEER PLS" and yes, uve guessed correctly. I went to get it, and I drank it. Lol as expected, I only managed to get outta my bed at like 3+pm wth.

Suddenly thinking abt some past stuff a lot these few days, perhaps it's jus me trying to distract myself frm the books, a pathetic defence mechanism of my brain trying to take a break frm studying lol. And now I'm mighty behind schedule and tt sucked. My lack of motivation sucked more. Everything else seemed so interesting to me nw, but.. I must press on. Must press on.

Less work days nxt week. Totally contemplating to quit On my way home. But... It doesn't feel gd if I jus left like tt, I pretty much wanna give em hell before I go. So.. Let's see wad I can do.

unfufillable dreams.

have u woke up from dreams that are actually seems to be an alternate outcome of certain incidents in ur lives if u haf nt did wad u did. tt dream..i was so happy in it to the point tt im on e verge of shedding tears of joy. with ppl clapping and cheering for me as i was reaching my destination, and den i woke up.
haaha i guess ive had awesome adventure in tt alternate dimension and the time has come for me to go back to my reality. so 'pop'

im back here. no one at home, no one.. ok one of my fren msged me and yea im 2 days behind my studying schedule. for some reason im super drained out ytd, mayb im too used to having a very relaxed lifestlye. lol. oh anw i finally met up with my frens who're back frm taiwan, as predicted. tt lie i told is starting to haunt me and well its like they noe i lied, i know that they noe i lied, but im jus gonna avoid tt topic in whole. cuz its like a wound tt nv heals and the more i touch it, the more its gonna hurt. well i didn mean to hide frm u guys anw, if i wanted to, i noe i can do it without anyone knowing but u noe, nah.

so argh im suddenly outta ideas, ill.. probably update later. bye. for now :)





Yes so my brain's pretty much dead in the day. Constantly craving for e bed and every other stuff except for studying. Sighh. K so wher was I, oh yea frens. I don't know if I made the right move in trying to remove as much as I can after I failed last yr, but I do think tt I needed some quietness and less ppl to explain to. As I've said a million times, nw tt I'm pretty much free, instead of enthusiastically trying to meet up wif all of my frens, I'm spending more time repaying my debt for being a burden to my family, always showing up to eat free food and not contributing much for them cuz I'm supposed to be 'studying for exams' well, tt excuse works pretty well all the way till, erms this final year tt I jus went thru, it felt to me tt they'd go like "lousy retaining loser".. Well yes I deserved it and I'm nt rly complaining. But well I'll try to go out of my way to please u ppl. However, I guess tt might cause them to start doubting my intentions as well, nonetheless, I'll do wad I can.?

Nxt, abt jobs, I'm totally feeling inadequate for any job tt I see on those hiring ads, nt to mention tt they are lookin for ppl who's got like experience. Those employers looking for entry level employees are also stating tt they are looking for ppl wif GOOD results AND/OR ppl with good internships. Heh. Makes me think tt I'm so so so pretty damn minuscule. -_- I wonder where my confidence went to. I'm. Such an eyesore even to myself these days. Tsk.

The journey.

I've been wanting to go on a journey these days. Heh. Not tt kind of journey ure thinking abt but just a short trip to buy some stuff. Haven't rly went out for a walk since.. God knows when. Lol previously I was bz preparing for my exams, den I started preparing for cfa. And I feel so detached frm the world even tho I'm always walking outside, I'm always outside with a destination in mind like going to work, going to study, going to eat. And not jus hanging out for the sake of hanging out. :| so I wld rly like to do tt someday soon. Like jus chill and walk ard, eating random stuff and not being bothered by other things

I wanted to go today but.. The thought of having a pretty decent free dinner at home deterred me. Lol. Wanted to jus get out of the house and stay out of those weird ass 'dinner meetings' ( bro's gf) but.. The cost of avoiding this thingy is pretty high. Haha. Like of cuz I haf to settle my own dinner. And I wld lose some precious studying time, and.! I'd Hafta find someone to haf dinner wif me and tt wld be pretty much a hassle so, I guess I wld jus stick ard. :>

So yes, I'm still constantly hanging by the edge of the schedule which i had for myself, tho I wld say "why nt cut some slack" hmm, I'm nt good enuf to do tt yet, and I'm slack enuf as it is nw, lol. Wasted a lot of time in the midday watching lame ass cartoons and napping. -__- so.. I guess I shld keep trying and use quantity to overcome the lack of quality.

K tts it for nw. H.m why am I thinking of u.

Meant to break

Abit slow but I only caught the meaning behind the lyrics recently, lol here goes:

"Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes
I know that we were made to break
So what? I don't mind 

I'm gonna stay the night"

Tt shows the sharp contrast between someone hearing smth for a million times and someone actually listening to it once. Heh. It kinda struck me, behind tt awesome dj-ing, there's actually some mini meanings behind the whole song lol. Mayb I'm thinking too much into it but well ok.

If u noe tt smth were meant to break, will u still go ahead and jus live wif it for the day.? Even tho the ending ain't beautiful, at least it's not ugly, isn't tt good enuf.? Trying to resist the urge every other moment and I think for nw I'm doing a gd job at it hahaha. It's like cy once said, how much u are willing to sacrifice to achieve ur goal will determine the probability of achieving it. If ure gonna gif up everything for it, u will get closer to it.
Yea now I haf a goal and I'm trying to get to it. Heh and u... Will most likely get in my way so. I Hafta remove u.

Oh yea trying to get used to irritating and stuck up ppl at work, it's kinda... Nt appealing but I guess I can manage tt. Heh, a preparation for the ugly world out there, and I wonder if I'm ready for it. Perhaps.. Yes I am. ;)) 

-__- back to studying. 

The same way home

So I'm on my way home frm work. On a somewhat similar route. Jus tt this time I came frm somewher else far away than b4. The freaking long journey home is pretty unappealing but well.. Let's see when these will end.

Had a can of beer last night and it was... Pretty much not enuf heh. But it feels pretty nice tt I'm able to drink it again.. For free lol. But as expected, I had to pay the price this morning cuz I totally felt slpy and u noe, the 'awake but I'm nt gettig out of this bed' feeling and I didn manage to study a lot. Thus I'm hyper mega behind schedule. Ha.. But ok I'll Tryta make up fr it tml, since I ain't working and stuff.
So I guess, it felt like I had loads of time bcuz... Yea I haven't rly met up wif my frens for q a while. Wad.? Yes abt mths.? Tts pretty sad but. I think it's still fine cuz time will tell, who are those tt stays, and those who leaves after u lost ur usefulness. I'll.. Get them back. When I get my job. Heh. Catch up sessions? Yes pls. Mofos.

Haha so for now I'm gonna save money as much as I can. I hope I can rly endure thru these days since I'm nt spending any money except for taking the bus to work and frm work. Food gotta come frm work... And home hahaha. Tt is my plan. For now.

So money, cfa, family, frens.... If possible. Oh I think I'm hungry nw. Tsk ok let's go cy.. Haf a lil rest and den go and study ok.? Yea

Living and let live

wad it's a week after my last paper. Didn manage to study a lot last week due to lots of reasons here n dere wif loads of random spendings. Mega tired last night for some unknown reason and I fell aslp at like 9pm.? Hah. Jobs. Oh jobs. I haven't looked thru it yet eh. But well, mayb... Soon.? Tho time is not on my side this time ard. But still, i strongly believed tt gd things are worth waiting for. If smth is chose due to a moment of impulse (w/o knowing the other options fully) one is bound to regret tt decision sooner or later. so yes. It's gon wait for a while.

I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to.

Oh so abt my new workplace.. Things are pretty.. Normal. I hope things won't escalate downwards coz u noe, it's nt rly tt fabulous as of nw. Ppl were saying abt all the politics there and stuff but, I didn get to hear any so... U noe, if u didn hear anything abt other ppl, means they are talking abt u, or they are jus nt talking abt u. Lol. Tho it might sound pretty stupid but to specify, I meant tt they are talking bad abt u behind ur back or ure jus transparent in their eyes. Nowher close to friendship and stuff. But regardless. I don't belong here anw, I'm jus a temporary presence in tt dimension tt is bound to disappear someday soon. No probs. sry if I caused u any trouble, I jus wanted to stay low profile and jus keep out of everyone's way if possible heh.

Nonetheless, it's jus my 3rd day here so. Neh mayb I'll be able to haf a gd relation wif them or, I'll jus leave before tt happens. I'll do my best and, yup, stay out of stuff. Teh heh.:)

Tsk must.. Study.! LOL screw my lazy ass. Tsk

How long has it been

Wad...3days.? Sure did seem like helluva time to me. But nt rly. I didn rly did much these days. Wells yes went to work on tue.. tt wasn't particularly pleasant but.. I'll Tryta get used to it yea.? Heh, and ummm. Oh I bought my family a pretty.. Nice.? Some overpriced bak kut teh. But well ok. I rly do needa thank my family for Wadever support they gave me. Tho I can't rly think of any atm, perhaps not getting in my way or raining harsh words on me helped pretty much. I won't say tt they don't depise me for failing, but at least I didn hear their negative comments so it's nt tt bad. I'm totally fine wif ppl not helping, and I'm rly thankful if no one stood in my way. And they didn so I'm glad.? Kind of.

Heh. Studying wasn't rly going too well these days. I'm super sleepy in the day for some unknown reason. But well. I rly gotta buck up frm tml onwards.? K mayb sat. Hahaha. Cuz I'm working tml. Ugh tt very thought kinda disgusts me to a great extend. Wel fine.

Anw, been restraining myself pretty hard these days. It's for the greater good. Even if u can't see it now, mayb someday u will uds. If u bothered to look back wif a more matured mentality. It was a mistake to begin wif. It wldve been ideal if the seed of future problems are weeded out b4 it grew deep roots. So yea. I hope I can do so frm my part too. The lonliness tt I'm handling.. Ain't rly helping. Argh argh. Yea k fk it. Lol

Side note: had a rly weird random dream today. It felt surreal. And left me wif some lingering sorrow. But tt won't affect me since I'm so so so different frm back then  I've alrdy matured into.. Well not. Ive always been like this since then. The only thing tt changed was the distance between us. So. I'm gon wipe tt part of memory away I guess.

"Delete."

begining

everything tt has a beginning has an end, when one thing ends, another thing begins. slightly looking forward to it yays.
so its like this, im done like for real this time. wif my uni studies. and much as i wanna to talk abt all those sad stuffs tt happened before tt led up to this moment, i decided not to. cuz i dont think tt there are any wrong decisions. cuz, as a door shuts, another door opens. i dont think i rly wasted this year, i see smth more than living life and jus barely surviving. now.. i see it. i want to do well. i want to shove shit into ppl's face. i wanna step on their bloody heads. and tt shall be my motivation to wanna do well. heh =)

so yes. my future..seems slightly clearer now, at least i haf a direction tt i wanna go to. so yup. heres to a new beginning. and the end of other things. i hope.

lost no more.

Limit.

So I was thinking why am I so unable to concentrate ytd even after I showered and drank coffee. So I guess tts where my mental limit is. Or rather the limit of my "brain". While my mind is dead set on studying, I can't concentrate, can't absorb, can't comprehend. So my body moved ard to help stimulate my brain but alas, even with all those external stimulants. It didn work. I slept.

And even now, I'm barely awake. Tiredness. This sucks pretty much cuz it has nth much to do wif willpower. It ain't smth like "I will definitely learn smth if I sit here staring at this for 2hrs" so it sucks.
Well.. At least tt help me wif smth. Like it provided a gd feedback and I guess if I noe wad is wrong, I can improve on it.
My willpower is strong, but theres only so much my brain can take.
.
.
.
And so I'm continuing after my paper, how to say, I'm pretty lucky.? The qns looks pretty familiar to me. Like the ones tt I somehow focused on, how Lucky can I be. So well still tired as shit. Won't say tt I'm gon score well but... At least it's nt a horrible paper wher I start cursing all the gods for pulling a fast one on me while I'm doing the paper. And no, wasn't thinking abt wad I shld haf for lunch too. Heh so.. I think it's a gd one. One interesting thought flashed through my mind tho ,"oh it's been abt 1 hr and I'm tired, can I jus stop now"

Teh heh.
"Time was your only ally, but now, even it had forsakened u."

On the way

Currently am on the way to the airport for a long awaited getaway. :))
Not.
Going early to study probably since.. Singapore' traffic is pretty scary during the peak hours tt I Duno extends frm wad time to wad time. Cuz according to my experience, normally work starts at 8+9.? But some how the crowd is still pretty scary at 9++. So wad exactly are those ppl, i don't noe, I'll find out soon.?

So yes, took an early bus ride and Mrt ride to avoid the crowd. The long train ride was supposed to let me haf a good slp to make up for my lack of it. Haven't been sleeping well for q a while now. But I can't seem to b able to fall aslp atm so I jus stoned. While at the same time thinking and planning out my future. At least what to do for the nxt few mths. I was so engrossed in thinking abt the future tt I almost forgot abt the present. I guess tt happened to me pretty frequently these days. I think so much abt my future tt I... Forgot tt I haf to get thru this exam first no matter what. So.! Yea I'm back to reality wif a snap of the fingers. Argh. It's... Gonna be so tiring today and tml... And the nxt few days but.. I'll try my best to move my burnt out body.. To study..

Let's go cy.

Gloom.

Yay.! So I finished one major paper today.! And it's pretty much a job pretty okaylly done. Lol. Not.

Hah. Well I'm rly glad tt I had helluva good start but, apparently this paper was like way easier than last year's paper. A part of me was thinking damn this shit, if this came out last year, I wldnt haf had to take again this year, y didn they set smth harder so tt I can shine better,( well cuz I've studied q abit of those hard qns, non-standard types) but well, since I'm able to do this paper pretty well, and all I hoped for was a pass, I shldn be too upset abt anything yea.?

Tt aside, had some trouble trying to slp last night cuz of prolly caffeine.? Or exam stress, so I went to read my own blog post frm Many years ago cuz I was thinking if it's alr the 10th year tt I'm blogging, lol. But nope, 9years and counting. Heh. Anw  I noticed the Trend of the contents of my blogs tho, it gets... Gloomier as time goes by. I wonder if it's the same for everyone else but, perhaps:

(1) tt cuz ppl started experiencing more unhappiness and their whole character gets darker as they grow old, well growing up in this harsh world ain't ez.

(2) perhaps my purpose for blogging changed over the years.? Well apparently it was first created to let ppl read abt my life happenings.? Then blogging started losing the heat among my peers, ppl stopped blogging. I wonder if it's a worldwide trend or it's jus tt ppl stop doing tt when they grew older. Well I restarted blogging cuz... I was bored.? Lol yea cuz I had nth to do at work wif a comp and internet in front of my face. So.! Blogging to me now is like a platform,? For me to express all my unhappiness, prolly jus a little bit of happiness.( nt many gd things happens to me anw) ya. Expressing my pent up anger since.. As an adult, I can't rly jus go rant and curse and swear at Wadever unhappiness tt I'm facing yea.? Learnt to tolerate, learnt tt somethings are fine even if they aren't ideal. Unhappy but, change wasn't rly necessary.
So ya. Perhaps tts y my entries get darker and darker

So.! Tt said, perhaps I shall jot down stuffs tts happy.? Hah. First paper wif greatest weightage is done and I think I did satisfactorily.? If there's this word.
And I finally got to play band hero wif my bro. Tho.. It didn't rly bcome v fun prolly cuz of my fatigued body, but.. Loved it. Heh.

Urged to escape.

K so I managed to wake up earlier today and dragged my ass out of my hse like 1.5hrs earlier.? Which was nice. Somehw I loved how quiet and cozy it is in the morning since there's no animals running ard and making a lot of noise. No I'm not studyin in a zoo lol. But u noe, kids are pretty much like animals, untamed wild creatures who barely gif a damn abt what ppl say, who don't rly care abt wad the world is like and such. Well, we were all wild animals to begin wif, jus tt after a hell lot of evolutions over the thousands of millenniums, Homo sapiens tot of taming other living objects, but well, ironically, the first thing tt they tamed supposingly was themselves. Den, everything else.

It's kinda weird tt after so many millenniums of like evolution, we made hell lots of things and changed how the world looked totally, manipulating things as tho we were gods, but well, humans created nth. Creating something prolly means making something out of nth, so yea. We're nt tt great, jus... Arrogant creatures.
Oh wad I wanted to say was, we made so many changes to everything ard us, but nth much changed within us. Still.. Trapped in this fragile physical body tts so ez to destroy. Perhaps tt shld be our nxt direction for a great revolution. Changing ourselves instead of the things ard us.

Well if ure thinking what's tt gotta do wif anything, I'm jus taking this time to think abt everything else tt doesn't concern my studies lol. Cuz I hate knowing my limitations, cuz when I'm looking and doing practice qns, I feel.. Helpless. My brain can't comprehend what's written there, even if I was able to comprehend smth, I can't remb it. So tt sucked. Nonetheless I'm nt gonna gif up. Cuz I can't. So.. I'm jus letting my brain, my mind, escape all these for a little while.

Heh, so... Ok time to return to my world.

Here. Fear. Near.2

So it's coming. Theoretically it's gon be ez cuz u noe, since I've had more than enuf time to study,( supposingly) but.. The more I study the more I understand the module, the more I understood the depth of it. Like, it's so deep tt I can suffocate if I haf to understand the whole module. Whatever theorem I understood always didn come out,  or it wld be me forgetting how to regurgitate out the same theorem. Tts pretty depressing.

Especially when.. Uve seen failure once and u noe how scary it is, and how ez it is to fail. Issues are starting to pile up, money, career, studies yes, human relations etc, while they are pretty much linked, a huge lump of my life is pretty screwed up nw, being strong.. I'm tryin my best to contain all these problems but.. It's.. It's quite abit much to bear at this moment. Wif no one to share it wif, wif so many other things tt needs to be done.. I'm tired. I'll prolly feel better in a few hrs time but... This moment.. I rly need smth. Smth tt can help me move forward.

Yea. And I'm getting cracked just by some random minor issue tt jus happened. Tsk fk me.

Fear is near, it is.. Here.

Just one yesterday.

Do u feel haf tt feeling whereby, u saw someone who kinda resembles somebody u haven't seen for a while, and u somehow understood tt ya, "tts definitely not her" but u can't help to take multiple glances and it kinda warms u inside.

Though I noe tts not u, but jus another look will remind me of u, and it makes me feel abit happier.

Heh. Well. Tt aside, haven't been able to slp well recently and have been thinking q abit abt my future... Tt seemed abit far off since.. What I want to do is most likely not wad I'm very knowledgeable in. Wif a lot of thoughts of "argh.. I shldve done this last yr, I shldve done tt earlier etc.." Tt didn help me to slp better.

Had a little beer at my bro's hse ytd. In which I rly don't feel like going cuz I haven't done a lot of studying ytd but... I can't rly say no to my bro. Lol since.. He's like very happy tt we're interested in gg over. I can prolly guess why, putting myself in his shoes.. After taking care of kids like everyday, seeing us and crapping wif us wldve felt so refreshing lol.

Ain't it the same for everyone else.? Since young u will want a house, a car of ur own. But when u finally haf it, u will want to see ur family every once in a while. Which... Most likely won't be the case.  Since, u noe, ure living in another house now and any sane person won't be visiting ur hse like every other day, other ppl haf their own things to do as well u see. Heh. So yea, don't be too eager to move out of ur hse, independence and freedom is most frequently accompanied by lonliness and realization of the importance of ur family, tt is if u haf a normal family.

K tt aside, slept for damn long today, damn tt beer.. It made my body so attached to my bed.-__- woke up at like 1140 wherby my lesson is supposed to be at 12. .. Well there goes my last lesson. Tsk. Nonetheless, I'm gonna rly Hafta.. Rly study. ArghHgH.! Fk me. Must.. Concentrate. •_•

Here. Fear. Near.

I've had many thoughts but apparently every single thought is nt sufficient to be blog worthy heh. So today I'm jus gonna write bout some consolidated thoughts ok.? Ha.

First topic: DADs

I meant fathers lol.  Well.. Apparently my bro is carrying tt title now and I felt rly.. Weird. Like the brother who sent me to school on a bicycle, the brother who's feet smells like salted fish after soccer, the brother who argued wif me abt all those stupid stuffs is actually a father now. Tt... Kinda.. Seem pretty hard to sink into my mind. Well he's got problems on his own too, being a father is nv ez. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and prolly my dad's shoes, it totally felt bad. Well... I tried putting it in words but apparently i.. Can't. Hahaha anw, dads are.. Sad. LOl. I totally feel tt my dad is an asshole for like 10+ years. And I don't think how it feels to be treated as an asshole for so long by ur own child.. If u noe wad I meant. While I don't think tt my father loves me less than my mum, but the difference in terms of closeness is.. Heh, pretty much different.
Yea I'm gonna try to work on tt and well. Hope my bro will be able to do well. JIAYOU PLS.

2nd: Love.
Well. Love is such a weird thingy. U can love a lot of ppl in ur life but u can only be wif one person at the end of the day. Being tgt ain't smth abt jus the 2 of us. I.. Always knew it but..I guess it's only when u get older den u will really be bothered abt all these. Like, how ur frens feel, how ur parents feel, how will her frens and family feel. All of it starts becoming an impt point when it comes to choosing ur partner. The feelings between the 2 of u is alrdy mre than enuf.? Think again.
It's such a troublesome issue to me. As.. I hate goodbyes. No matter how many times it is.. There will be these ultra indescribable feel of lost when u haf to hold back ur tears and tell the other person who.. Might be crying tt u cAnt be tgt anymore. We cannot make more happy memories tgt anymore.. We haf to disappear slowly and agonizingly frm each other's lives. Even tho time heals all wounds.. But.. The idea of having to go thru it again is... Rly... Not very welcoming.
As I've always said recently, I'm better off being there for everyone else other than belonging to one person. I.. Love myself and the freedom much more after all.

3rd: Fear.
I suddnly realised.. Why do I haf so much fears recently.. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of losing smth tt I cherished, I.. Am totally weak. Shall I jus cast aside all those fear and jus go wif it.? Many of u wldve tot tt shld be the best way out but... On the contrary, I felt tt sufficient fear is pretty helpful. Because u fear of failing, u will wanna work hard so tt ur fear will not come true. Fear of being judged will make u wanna make urself looking perfect in front of other ppl while covering up all ur shortcomings, I suppose they call this "image". While the fear of losing something.. Makes u make the effort to make sure it stays.

I hope I'm clear Enuf wif the topic on.. Fear.? But I suppose I'm fearing wayyyyy too much so... I guess I shall.. Try to rid of some of em and go ahead in all the challenges in life. I suppose I won't die from those and, being cliche, wad tt doesn't kills me makes me stronger.

I don't intend on jus lying down there and look away frm other ppl's eyes of disdain. I'm gonna stare into their eyes wif such power and make them avoid my eyes.

Alright.. Gon go back to studying.

Insomnia.

I nv tot I wld haf this kind of problem since I'm totally the sleeping monster. Like someone who can totally slp for 10++ hrs w/o problems.
So yea I can't slp again. While I'm trying to study I feel so lethargic and can't even seem to focus my eyesight, so I chose to slp, but well, nth of tt sort happened so. Might as well blog abt smth.

Haha these few days has been pretty Uneventful wif all those ppl graduating and stuff,  I don't feel q happy abt it. so ya. totally can't seem to concentrate for Wadever fk reason. So yea ok. I'm trying my best to keep myself to myself so... It's... Not very ez but I'll try.

so ya uve got first class honors? Hahaha I think so but well... Gd for u.:) remb 1/2 of it belonged to me ok. Bleh.. I rly wonder how uve been nowadays but.. Haha I guess I don't haf the need to find out abt u, nor the right to. Same for u. As in the other u.

Along the way.. Ive removed so many things tt may disrupt my mood, namely frens. Haha cuz I totally don't like telling ppl how fail I am. So... To all those ppl who seemed to b cut off frm my life.. I promise. I totally promise u tt ill get it back I'll get all of u back into my life after these is over and after I... Settle down ok..? As for those who were wif me nowadays.. Thank u so much.

But life is unfair, if u ain't gon be useful to me in the future, hehe. Ya ill try my best to keep in touch wif u ppl ok.? Lol


So.! Main point being... To my uni frens.. And my jc frens and sec sch frens, I'll come back to find all of u.. After these is over... And after I got my life back on track.! Ok.?

Fast

Last week seemed to pass by so slowly, while this week seemed to haf been over in just a flash, needa go back to sch soon, like tue.?

Well.. The exam mood is coming up again but... I'm spending so much time slacking, dreaming, sleeping, playing games, etc. Bleh. See how it goes yea.

I belonged to everyone. I belonged to myself. No other one person shld haf the privilege of having me unless I gave u the permission. Understand? No.? Well ok.

My own world

So I think i jus realised smth impt ytd. By eliminating a lot of my frens frm my circle and keeping only a few left, it seems tt I've successfully created a small world of my own.

A world which I feel comfortable wif. A world, I didn wanna get out frm. It struck me ytd when I finally met up wif my frens, it's been a while and ya they are concerned abt me and all. Since I haven't been all tt truthful and all. I can't face it properly yet. Tt look of disdain, heh, I don't think anyone can get used to it eh.

So... I suppose it's time tt.. I step out of my world, open tt door which I shut it so tightly. Well... Goodbye to u.. I'm sry abt tt but if ure able to look frm a broader point of view, I'm trying to hurt us both and for ur greater happiness. I hope things work out the way I wanted.

I hope u won't be too hurt. I haf to do this.

For peace.

How long has it been. A week and erm 2 days.? Heh, it certainly felt kinda long to me since I'm not doing much these days.
Prolly an update on life in case no one noes what I'm up to these days. Haaha everyday was spent rather peacefully for me. Since... Lessons will resume on April and I'm outta job and all. Money is kinda becoming a problem lol. Things started looking expensive and I'm rly trying to reduce my spending as much as I can but.. Well, things still happen, spendings still occur:| even tho I rly thought I did well this week.

Studying has been quite.. Not productive these days tho, since I wanted to save money and tried to stay home as much as I can. The bed, the comp and everything else is so... Tempting to me. Lol
Oh and.! I've resumed cycling, hahaha tt bike has been hanging there for so darn long and dust and dirt and dead leaves had been accumulating dere.-__- welll I took the effort to.. Clean up. So it's nice, good to go. Yay. All that in an attempt to reduce the amt of fats in my body lol. Yea u didn see wrongly, I felt tt I'm getting fat in some ways. Zzz

Namely the abdominal region. So.... Going thru some diet control and exercise routines. It felt kinda... Bad but well saves money too. So it's a 2 birds wif 1 stone ya .?
Uh tts abt all for now.

Going past the places which reminds me of u. Makes me feel funnily stupid n I can't help but think y was I so foolish, but well even wif tt said, I guess I wldve done the same if the same situation occurred again. 

Peace out.

goodbyes..2

slightly late. hmm 2 days? well.. finished work on thur and... was drinking happily on the night itself and slept for the nxt few days. heh

okay so i recieved a couple of thank you cards and stuff which is supposingly q sweet but... well... ok. i haf ppl whom ive nv seen b4 coming to tell me wad a pity tt this place is closing down and all. it simply felt like a sarcastic scorn. well did i mention it b4? but uh. this kind of ppl are... not worth entertaining.
fond memories.. reluctance to leave, a place full of nice memories tts gonna disappear. i wonder how it feels. uhh am kinda glad tt i actually worked to the point whereby i haf more unhappiness here than happiness. if not im not sure of how it wldve affected me. heh.

i feel... relieved. i felt.. freedom, happiness. haha sharp contrast to how others feel. goodbyes.. are necessary, cuz i dont think we will meet anymore.

ok do i haf to gif a brief summary ? ok i shall. short and sweet

uhh well it started as a challenge. at a pretty low point of life, i told myself tt if i can stretch my physical limits.. i shld try, if i can do smth tt i hate, perhaps i will bcome a better person. so i sucked. horribly. and then i became ok. and den ppl started telling me tt im good. which...i totally disagree wif. lOL. den came a time when i haf to go.
den i came back, well.. why did i.. cuz i wanted a particular someone to taste the coffee i make. ha...it ended pretty miserably. and! jus when i am ready to leave again, there happens my worse lost? i lost my hp and wallet and found myself being thrown into a financial pinch. heh... so i decided to continue for a while. and i tot tt its nt tt bad to make coffee for other ppl. for grateful customers, they were part of the reason why i stayed. ok so i stayed, and became a manager, having more responsibilities and all simply bcoz i cant rly stand the thought of working under someone who's less able than i am. SO, i had a say in most things. and i gave my all.
i made a makeshift family sort of scenerio, and i feel tt we're kinda bonded well. and den... i had to leave again. all the while.. even when im not ard, i still care. perhaps tt caused a huge blow on my academics. its not worth it but.. im not sane enuf to do both well.so.. i failed my own challenge to myself.

SO, i came back for an answer. and.. tho the answer wasnt wad i wanted..i started losing interest. den i started seeing how low some ppl are. started feeling tt its their honour to b served by me. started looking down on ppl. started being wad i didn want to be. but well.. i perservered. and tho each day seems very difficult to get by. i got by all of em. and i endured these unhappiness till the day it closed.
i did it. i completed smth.. which i rly hate so much.

service.

tt look of disdain tt ppl gave. tt haughty attitude tt ppl showed me. the shabby work attitudes tt my colleague gave me. i.. will remember it and i will remeber it well. for wad purpose.. i dont noe, but well its gotta affect my life.

to those who were thankful, to those who were nice. i sincerely thank u. and i apologize for my below excellent service attitude. well its simply bcoz of all the other ppl who made my mood foul. i..sincerely thank u ppl. its my pleasure, i wish tt u will haf a good life.

well.. to those final few ppl who worked.. i sincerely hope u all the best in life too. cuz frm ur work performance here, it sucked. i hope its bcuz of somebdy tt made u wad u bcame. kindly... gif a different attitude in life, all the best

oops. i guess tt bcame q long.

uhhh so. tts.. the end of this chapter. i am happy. i finally obtained. freedom.
im glad i saw u even at the end. haha. even if its jus a glance, jus a moment. its enuf. goodbye. farewell. i really hope tt one day, we will really meet again. and we will be able to talk like normal .

annyeong hi ki sae yo.

Goodbyes..1

So it has begun. Goodbyes.
I don't think I'm tt good with goodbyes cuz the thought of it seems pretty depressing alright. The fact tt ppl who used to be tgt can simply disappear frm ur life in jus a blink of an eye. Frens who pledged to stay in contact forever can slowly drift off and become acquaintances. All the experiences tts shared b4, all the bonds, doesn't rly matter tt much.
The tot of not being able to see tt person again seems quite sad while at the same time, if we ever meet again, will We be able to talk like now. Will we be able to feel the same sense of familiarity. Perhaps not. So... Ugh.

Ppl saying goodbyes, I face it wif a nonchalant face. It's not bcoz I don't feel anything. It's jus tt I don't noe how to make a sad face. Truth be told, life's like this, ppl come and go. Friends drift, lovers break up, empire falls, rocks erodes. Nth is forever, when the time comes, it comes. So yea the time is now, some lingering unwillingness to leave all these behind but, it's causing me more unhappiness than the satisfaction tt i gain.

All the fancy "oh I'm gon miss u, oh keep in touch, ohh. Bla bla bla" seems pretty much like scorns and it's pretty meaningless. Since, humans are actually pretty much forgetful creatures as well. Jus a bye will do, if we ever meet again... I'll judge whether u deserve a "hi", a small talk, or a catchup session.

Uhhh. Did I make any sense at all? Lol will edit it again later la ok, the end is near, a new begining is approaching and I hope I can look forward to it.

seeing her kinda makes me feel happy cuz it reminds me of u. Jus another glance will help me recall the fond memories which is no longer within my grasp but... U can't blame me for wanting to think of u every once in a while righht.? 

Hah. This untold story is so bitter, yet at the same time beautiful. Don't u think. Or is it jus creepy. -__- hahaha. 

Nonetheless. Tts abt all for now.

Somewhere

So it's pretty depressing to know tt my comp is pretty dead. K just kidding, I'm more depressed abt my attitude.. Academic wise. Still pretty laid back, pretty much ignorant and I guess even wif tt fatal blow last year, why am I still so slack. Where was my fighting spirit den... Well... I guess I'm jus this kind of lousy person.

So my comp is kinda not functioning.. And my dad is nice enuf to take the initiative to go out of his way and keep paying money to help me make it functioning again. Which.. Kinda make me sad tt why is he being so nice, wads his motive.. Or is it jus love. I don't wanna disappoint anyone anymore but... I'm so sleepy so.. Lol I can't work hard.-__- ahh... I'll see wad I can do yea.? Ya. Let's... Do this.

Somehow.

anw being back in the library feels pretty comfortable... Despite it being so crowded and all. I guess it's pretty much set tt I'm gonna, u noe, come here daily after everything is done. I meant work wise hahhaha. Perhaps my next entry is gonna b a long one abt my work, perhaps ill blog b4 den.

Nonetheless. Tts prolly all I wanted to say for nw.

Something.

I'm jus bored. I jus don't quite like being tied down to smth, and yea I need to study. Sigh.

Some asshole trying her best to protect herself, bothering everyone else jus bcuz someone is trying to make herself worse off. It's kinda saddening but, all in all, u only needa blame urself. Cuz u suck. And nope there's no way u will be able to improve urself. U jus don't haf wad it takes so tts it. I don't blame u.
If u feel tt ure feeling rly shitty and ure the main character of a tragedy, think again. Other ppl had it worse. Wad ure experiencing now is jus the results of ur past actions.
It rly bothered me when u jus didn wanna let her go. Like rly jus let. Her. Fking. Off. Stop bothering her. Wads wrong wif u seriously.

No. No.. I shldnt be bothered abt these anymore. I shld... Study.. Study. Cy go study. All these don't matter anymore.
But why the fk do u haf to go and see him so badly. Fk it. Fk. Ok wait I shld study. Yea bye.

Signing off. In anger.

Update: after slping:
I guess much as i said tt it shldnt matter anymore, i still feel smth inside. There's still smth there. Hahaha. I hate myself for being like this, I hate myself fr never being able to let go cooly. Y do I still care, perhaps ure feeling the same horrible feeling now, but ure weird. Ur taste is weird, it cldve been solved easily and u wldve achieve happiness long ago but I guess u chose the harder one, jus like wad I did. And now probably, we're both wrecked up inside. This.. is kinda dumb but ok move on pls. Or... Come here :|

Ok ok nw I'm able to think more properly after a nap and after all... It's night time so, I guess tts where the other side of me comes out.

Heart and body

Now tt I think abt it; I'm pretty much left with only my body. I'm doing Wadever I wan and not rly thinking abt anything. I guess tts wad it meant. I no longer haf a heart, and yea I rmb where I left it.'

So anw, it sounds like tt place is gonna go soon, like real soon. Which.. Kinda makes me feel down abit since i haf after all, been there for quite a while. Making latte art for other ppl to admire was actually kinda fun but, I think I might've alr missed the most impt point,  which is the taste of the coffee itself. I actually, in my heart demanded the person to actually thank me and appreciate the work of art but well, I simply can't accept tt not everyone cares abt how it looks, but yea, more of wads in it.

Arh. Well I guess tts tt, I've actually tot of continuing to work for a bit more, in a different environment, but well it's gonna be the same shit, prolly worse shit, so yea I must be determined this time ard. Freedom.. Awaits.

Felt kinda down earlier cuz of the fact tt I haven't studied... Ok yea and more of like thinking why do I haf to keep covering up for other ppl's mistake at work, again and again and again. This is rly a thankless excess chore and it sucks a lot. I wonder if I created problem for other ppl as well but hmm. Perhaps but tt feeling rly sux. Like doing extra things jus to mKe up for other ppl's mistakes AND tt person is jus leaving nonchalantly. -_- fk this, srsly. I suppose it's gona be the same in the real working world, I will Hafta face these kind of shit too, but this time it's different cuz i can't jus say, "Ok I quit u fkers"

Phew I jus gotta let it out somewher. I'm pretty sick of all these. I needa think abt smth else perhaps... Like.. Study study.


Oh I went for my fren's wedding ytd and it was kinda, hyper boring. lol. Why issit tt weddings are such boring things. Hmm makes me wonder. Wad kind of wedding shld I haf. Is it gonna be very far away in the future, how's my bride gonna be like and and mayb if its gonna happen at all. Blehhhh tts the kind of feelings tt I always haf when I attend my fren's wedddings.
Zzz perhaps I'm jus at tt age, perhaps I shld get married as well-_-

Im so sorry.

I'm so sry. I almost forgot, while drowning myself in other things, while thinking tt it's more worthwhile to spend time wif ppl who loved me instead of lowering myself to make u happier. I tot I can forget about wad caused me the pain.

It felt rly good to feel the love tt other ppl showed, but I guess it can never compare to feeling the reciprocated love frm the one u gave up so much for.

so tonight, I'm going to be crooked. And I will rmb tt I loved u. For tonight.
I wonder wad I'll become tml. But oh well



, tonight I return to be that fool, who's willing to gif up everything for ur happiness.

Tired.

So I lied to myself. I said I needed control, I didn. I said I wanted to study, I didn. Argh. Get up cy get up.

Rly tired these days since I Somehw needed to work darn long hours. Lol. Tt sucked and well as long as it lasts... I shall endure thru it. And make time to study. For now I'm jus yea.. Tired
Ok so another fren is getting married,"like WoOot?!" K yea well, perhaps I'm jus at the age lol, bleh I need.. Motivation and perhaps determination. Yea

Fk me. Go fking study tml pls thanks.

So many ppl are dying everyday but y not u, u fking eyesore. 

Don't love me.

Hahaha. Mayb I'm jus assuming it but I don't care. Just don't. Ok? Haha it's hard enuf on my side and yea, if u don't, den I think I can do it too. So yea lets do it like this, I'll try hard, I'll try.

Sarang hajimal, jebal.

Ok so I got by these 2 days of cny pretty peacefully, hahah excluding the over-eating and brushing off the stupid qn "eh? Nv go visit ah" ok I do ask it to other ppl as well cuz I didn think anyone wld be like me. And yea, I didn visit. Cuz I don't haf like relatives for me to do so.? Perhaps I do haf but jus tt my parents aren't close enuf wif em to go visit them. Ok to be more precise, the other side is like my mum will go visit but... I simply dread the idea of going ALLL the way down to Malaysia and meet wif a bunch of ppl who I didn even see for the whole year and I haf to explain wad I'm doing now to a bunch of em who don't uds and are simply asking jus for the Sake of asking. Was I too long winded. Well, I suppose my predecessor did a poor job in terms of family bonding so ya, to my dear brothers... Tho u ppl are freaking annoying and pricky assholes( like me) let's bond well ok .?!? And not let this continue on to our nxt generation. Shld be gg my fren's houses nxt week but ya, see how lo.
Yea I loved cny despite how it's like for me.

Those lingering thoughts lol... Well I'm still here. Wher haf u been tho.

Okkkkkkk
Happy new year.
To myself, and to anyone.
Be a better person after this long weekend yeah.?
Ok. Hahaa

do not forget.

so i tot ive almost forgotten. yea. it still echoes in my mind i guess.

i suppose dreams dont lie yea? but so wad abt it, im still gonna stay like this. and no pls. pull me away from these, i need to be alone. i need to...get thru all these. on my own.

pls jus stay away. im sry.

Why did it hurt.

Ok i completed my ippt and barely got the silver tt I wanted. Lol.. To think tt my fitness is not as gd as before. I sincerely wonder if it is bcoz of my recent lack of exercise or issit bcoz of.. U noe... Age. :\. Nonetheless, it's pretty much a wake up call for me to continue working out and not let my body deteoriorate further. Yea

So it hurts. My body tt is. -_- I uds if my thighs hurt coz I've nt ran such distance wif such pressure fr a while, but.. I don't uds why my abs and my arms hurt as well. Wads wrong like srsly. But argh, I'll recover soon I guess.

So it's been... A week or so.? Or a few days. It felt damn long, but ugh. It's gonna be fine, the starting is always the hardest. So...i rly wanted to ask Wher are u nw, wad are u doing, how do u feel now but i cant do it so... ok. Ok stop it cy. Focus on ur studies cy.

Kk recently... I've had like random memories coming back to me. Namely those things I did,those words I've said. It felt rly stupid, I guess tts jus me, jus saying things at the spur of the moment, and den regretting it later. I always think abt how different my life wldve been now if I didn fail. My staying for one year, was the things tt I got in return worth tt 1 year of my life.? Of cuz Ppl wld feel regretful but.. I don't suppose regretting helps, and I don't think tt if given another chance, I wldn do wad I did. I'm me after all, caught up in the moment, caught up in ur smile. Lol.

I guess ill most likely regret wad I wrote now and edit it again later lol so yea

Kk and the bro is back. like yay? lol i didn feel much when he aint home and i didn rly feel much when i realised tt he's back either. LOL but well we're still able to chat like normally so its not like i dont like him or wadever ok. YEa so.. its prolly nice to haf more ppl in da house so my mum will feel happier? haha

so finally, im a rly disgusting monster.pls stay away frm me. for now.

Humanity

I rly don't know wad I am now. Well I'm drawn more and more into things tt... I shldn be doing by common sense. But argh, I can barely control my body. It's like my body is starting to convince my brain more and more and more than my brain controlling my body.

I became pretty vulgar. Mayb abt my erms, jc level.? And I don't like tt. To think tt I used 5 yrs.? To achieve my non-vulgar conversations. Yea it seeped out slowly cuz of all the bad things tt happened to me. But still no no no, I'm must hold it back in.

The only one whom I kept my humanity wif is no longer ard. While I wonder wad I'm doing here, i guess it's rly just for the cold hard cash and... I don't need to be a nice person to get tt.


meh. Must study.

cry cry

i cant cry. as in phyically i cant cry. i wonder if its bcoz of the fact tt ive subconsciously forbade myself frm doing so or for wadever reasons. i cant do it.

i didn feel anything special at first, at least well, its an expected event so.. i jus smiled. since its smth tts to my favour but well after a while... it struck me. the feeling tt i'll lose it for good, its... never gonna be the same again. nt anymore. so yea, perhaps tt wldve been the last time i go crazy for u. thinking tt our worlds are no longer gonna intersect anymore made me kinda... sad. but well, tts life. ppl come and go. i tried my best but things didn work out, so yea at least i tried.

nope. i'll be fine frm now onwards. i will. try to live happily again. i will try to look for smth tt cld replace u.

Just a yesterday's idiocy. thanks for the memories.

ill try to remember them for as much as i can, everything. so long =)

Contradiction.

Now I want to live peacefully. Not having to rush between schedules, sleeping more than I shld and still haf plenty of time, being able to wear all my nice clothes tt I've bought seems to be the most desirable thing to me at the moment.

Studying, even if my progress is kinda slow now, at least I'm doing smth. Which I didn think I did last year, let's hope for the best yea.? Haha need to pick up the pace soon. Freedom seems so appealing, while at the same time I guess tts nt rly wad I wanted. Hmm let's see, I guess I wanted a change in life, just... A change, a break out of the normal routine life tt I've had for so long. As long as I'm not doing the same thing it's fine.:)

So I've spent like a bunch of money on clothings..AGAIN.-_- lol jus as I was contemplating as to whether I shld buy anything at all, the nxt moment I can't stop myself frm buying things. Bah. Jus as how I tried my best to ignore it, the nxt moment I can't help my body again. These contradictory behaviors... I... Needa take note of it. 

Well den, cheers to the new life... Tt shld be awaiting for me.!

Realization

I cld say I'm pretty much erms fine.? Mayb not but I guess nth special is threatening my life so yea. I'm almost forgot abt it but it suddenly occurred to me, I'm still me, I'm still... Yea but as wad I've told my fren, if u can't get it, wads e point of suffering alone at night, wads the point of doing stupid things and regretting right after. Hhaa, preaching is easy, giving the model answer is ez. If only our brains haf this ability to u noe, switch off to all these emotions, humans wld probably be able to soar to greater heights.

Wanted to study last night but body won't listen to brain. Ahhaa thus I'm actually gg out at like 5 plus to study b4 work. Lol this final attempt, I sincerely hope tt it will be fruitful hhah, nonetheless, breakfast first.!~

Heh heh, so apparently I'm continuing this entry at the end of the day. Yes I studies abit b4 I got to work, went on and got bz and stuff till late night .? Haha I'm probably having a dual personality, like in the day I'm actually pretty optimistic and motivated to do productive things. At night, I wld be gloomy and I simply wanna jus don't gif a flying French. Alright, don't gif a flying fk* abt anything and jus go to bed. Argh. anw I did some studying today so.. It's nice.

My frens seems pretty interested in meeting up tml, I wonder wads driving them. We jus met up like 2weeks ago and I don't think we've got SOOOooo much to talk abt jus for this 2 weeks. and I bet they're gonna ask me wad I did for new yr and shit, and yea, they'll gif me the ' wtf '. -_-
So I'm nt tt keen to meeting up but.... It seemed pretty obligatory. Yup. Tt sucked.

Anw, if u ain't feeling happy, or if u ever need someone to talk to... I'm always here, ever willing to listen to ur life stories. But meh. :|

here comes the rain.

went down to buy some groceries.? lol nt rly but it's jus some food tt might come in handy when i skip my breakfast frm home.

well well life life! Life's been erm pretty neutral atm. and the rain had to come down the moment i went out. Anw I wonder if its cause of my age or smth, i tend to.. lol.. want to bother wif my family more. or mayb its cause my bro aint ard, or mayb yes, they are slowly slowly moving out one by one, getting married and forming their own family which in a way its nice cuz im enjoy more freedom and of cuz the space but well i guess my parents may not feel the same. tts y i felt the need to spend more time wif them, u noe, including my brother's share.

now tt i think of it, im.. pretty much not at home last yr.. and mayb even this year, like ill reach home late and jus slp, den prolly jus wake up for sch or work and go out. And the cycle repeats. haha. sadly they arent nocturnal like me so... i guess they can only enjoy my sleeping posture, or my empty room. hahahaha.

work seems pretty much more chill. not having to explain things to ppl and all. jus making ppl do things my way seems very... appealing to me. and when ppl do shit.. ill jus cover it up and yea, if its within my capabilities, and i wont bother trying to correct them cuz i dont think they gon learn anw. teh heh. i guess i can like this kind of worklife but... uh.. its pretty much ending lol. so wads left is... some major cleaning up, to prevent ppl frm tryin to find faults.

uhh yes. the rain
the light gentle drizzle tt fell upon my body, triggers the memories tt ive placed at the back of my mind. nw tt i think abt it, i no longer feel sorrow, i no longer feel bitter. i smiled, for i think ive learnt alot frm u. tt i can actually get used to a life w/o u. life still sucks but, its no longer becuz of u so, i guess its better? lol ill still look forward to seeing u again, i wld love to see how much uve grown up since then and yea, i hope ill be able to be a better person when tt time comes and u will be happy for me.

its..not painful if i dont touch it so yea.

alright i must study and spend time at home lol!. tts the plan, lets go

Get a grip

Well yea the first half of my today was pretty much.. Hazy. As in my brain is hazy and not the actual weather. Cooked instant noodles in the middle of the night which was quite, unhealthy. Was originally preparing for a round 2 of celebration but I chose to be kinder to my body instead. Hmm so my new year countdown was pretty much not very spectacular. Had some peranakan food which actually tasted better than my expectations. come to think of it, I've been q adventurous these days, tried a pretty nice Thai food few days ago as well, hahaha nt much of a fan of these kind of southeast Asian style of food cuz most of e time they're pretty spicy. K wher was I. Impromptu trips are rly rly bad especially for these kind of special occasions, cuz we can expect crowds at all those nice places. All tts left is the remote areas which ppl won't rly visit. Constantly thinking abt wad to do nxt, wher to go. we're a bunch of uninteresting ppl after all, so there's rly rly nth much to do. So, we decided to go for an adventurous night walk up the bukit Timah hill.

I noe tt everyone wld be like "wtf". yea if I'm not there, I wldve said tt as well. Cuz it's rly ridiculous to do smth like tt to begin wif. And wads more.. At night.? On New Year's Eve.? U mus be kidding me. But yes we went. It was kinda refreshing cuz it's rly rly rly dark and we actually saw fireflies. lol which i tot didn exist in singapore. My frens said tt they were slightly afraid at first, but they managed to overcome their fear and just moved forward. Talked abt how we were gonna get killed or slip and fall to our deaths on the way up and it feels kinda interesting. Well well I don't think tt anyone believed me but.. I don't feel much fear, cuz firstly, I'm not alone and well it's just a forest trail after all. In fact I'm feeling more excited than normal, I'm actually smiling but I don't think anyone can see. Hahah it feels kind good to be in this kind of darkness wher I don't haf to pretend to smile, don't haf to think about how I shld behave, how I shld react to ppl's words. All I haf to care abt is moving forward and yea survive. Hahaha some prehistoric men's way of thinking.

It's q a stress reliever I suppose, cuz as we grow more and more into integrating wif this society, having to face ppl everyday, we haf to care abt how we carry ourselves and how we shld appear in front of the public. Uhh tho it's a norm for ppl to do tt, we do get sick of it once in a while. Yea so even if it's momentarily, a break frm it felt pretty refreshing. Not to mention the weariness on my legs, we made it to the summit tho, I don't think anyone of us regretted tt decision to go up there. Haha refreshing air , silent environment, ah, not forgetting the darkness. Haha gathered round and shared our new year  resolutions and talked abt how to achieve each of our goals. Not for me tho. Hahah nv believed in tt. The trip down was pretty relaxed since it's downhill anw. Went back to the vehicle and continued thinking of wad to do.

Haha nonetheless we managed to find a weird place to chill and even managed to catch some fireworks. Even tho there were much less of us left who wanted to get together for new year, I'm kinda glad tt we're somewhat still tgt. Uh. So... Yup I confessed tt I actually wanted to jus pangseh them midway and head down to town for a party. Haha tts my character after all. But well I managed to stick wif em all the way.

I guess all of us had this same goal for nxt year. "I'm gonna freaking haf an awesome new year countdown nxt year,Ill nv ever haf the same as this year's lame ass gathering again."


Lastly. I rly shld get a grip. The holiday season is over. Time to get moving. Come along if u want to, I'm going ahead wif or w/o u. I'm cy. I've drifted too far frm my original self for too darn long. Time to get back into the game.

Ending

I'm tryin hard to recall. Did I do anything wrong? Or Izit because tt I'm jus hateful. Or Izit bcoz of the fact tt some1 has been telling u some awful stuff abt me. Or mayb it's jus my false assumption.

I did wad was rightful, I was jus being selfish and I want to haf a more relaxed life tts all, I totally don't haf other intentions. Don't read too deep into tt.
My reason was pure and simple, it's jus another perspective, tt person is unwilling to reason things out. And I'm q sure tt she will tell u ppl half facts and make me sound ridiculous, but nope, my reason was solid, but my main objective... Heh no one noes but ya, it's pure and simple as well.
Am I hateful? Perhaps. I'm rly sry abt tt cuz sometimes I hate myself too. The enemy of ur enemy is ur fren, so there shld be a side of me tt u wld like heh. Hai...
I don't think tt Ive made the wrong assumption tho, cuz I'm generally 2-3 times more sensitive to this kind of things than normal ppl. But perhaps ure jus in a foul mood, perhaps ure just tired. Perhaps I'm jus guilty conscious.

Ahh tts enuf. Ill jus let it flow. And see how things goes.
I'll briefly roughly talk abt 2013? Haha since I tot it's a must to talk abt the past yr and do reflections on it on e first day of the year.

This yr felt abit.. Vague. Cuz I gues I've been pretty much drunk and rushing  through life for the first quarter of the year.
Work sch drink play slp. And yea trying to cramp 1 year worth of studies into 2-3 weeks worth of reading thru. I mus be joking. And yea there's been a lot of down times for me. Failing twice for driving didn help either, tt money, tt effort, tt disappointment, the thought of giving up as I failed even when I rly tried my best. The shameful results tt made me unable to raise my head again, living in a world of fabricated lies. It felt.. Horrible.

So yea 2013, bad bad bad. Ahh. But yea living thru it means there's still hope. These kind of things helped me to noe myself better, it reminded myself tt I can fail too and also Things don't always happen according to my plans.

Nxt, looking forward, I shall be more selfish, while at the same time care more for the impt ppl, stop being an arrogant prick. And I'll work hard on erm.. My sleepiness. 2014, let's go.