the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|

keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh

What gOod am I.

Results are out. And I'm fked. As usual. Lol. Made me totally look like a fool in a sense tt, U noe, I lost everything. U, cfa, job, I've got none of em now.what now. I don't know. I've got myself to blame of Cuz. Being half hearted in everything, then yes, fuck me. Fuck this.

And I'm jus gonna go to sleep yea.

round and round.

it seems that ive always been going in circles. rejecting that job offer, going back to tt job, leaving her and den begging to go back to her, i hope none of these kind of things wld continue gg on tho. cause it really sucks to go back to the place wher u left.


so... going for that interview on wed. hope tt it wldn be a bad choice. enduring a year or so, doing smth which ive always wanted to, enduring and get my life forward. i wld love it tt way.


i tot to myself this afternoon. yea, im done with letting go of the past. even when i think abt it, it doesnt hurt no more. so im hoping these continues, and den ill be able to sincerely begin a new chapter with new characters in it, wif a better story plot this time.


tt...wld be all for now.


will update real soon

continuous.

argh. been a few days without any news frm any employers, ok theres 1 tt required me to do a writeup.. lol tts pretty fked up tho, cuz.... u noe.. writing.. hmm anw, yup. still living, still healthy and all.


my fone decided to haf some problems and thankfully tt i can borrow my mum's 'spare' fone. of cuz its not as handy as my own one but... lets hope tt my own phone can come back quickly. in a day or two.


so.... yea tts all for now.? nt much happenings for me update stuff

death and strawberry.(unrequested vacation)

k nth much to do with strawberries but its jus extracted frm bleach lol.


anw, time to update bout the funeral, i guess.


erms received the news on last sunday morning and its been helluva week, went back to my hometown? k more like my mom's hometown to attend the funeral of my grandfather who, is finally able to leave his weakened suffering physical shell and left this world. well, its rly saddening but at the same time, i dont noe, perhaps its mercy tt he's able to end all the suffering as he'd been suffering frm various illness and is barely conscious of his behaviors for a couple of years, requiring the aid of his children to take care of him for every single needs ( feeding, bowel discharging, urinating etc)


i would say, none of any sane human being wld wanna live in tt state, being a burden and all, so i wld say, tt is prolly a relief for my dear grandfather. to, stop relying on other ppl, and move on to another world with a better self.


rest in peace. i hope tt u will haf a good afterlife and if possible, get reborn and live again? cuz life is really beautiful. my dear grandpa.




tt said, i dont think i deserve to shed a tear. cuz ive been absent frm his life for a good 10+ years. lazinesss, and many other reasons made me stop going back to visit my relatives. i always blamed my parents for not being close to their brothers and thus making us not close to my relatives. i guess i also haf a part to play cuz i'd always, always chose not to go back for convenience sake. and, well i pretty much grew up without contact with any of my cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents. its pretty ironic tt, u see ppl frm all over, gathering at the funeral after 10 odd years. like, why is it tt no one bothers gathering b4 anyone leave this world. why would u only choose to come back only after he has died and then grief about his departure.


why is it tt none of u, make sure to get everyone tgt, and let him enjoy the warmth of the big family tt he deserved.


tt said, of cuz, im equally guilty. but i hope tt this will serve as a good reminder to everyone present. tt the warmth of the family, despite the fact tt we didn meet for so many years, didn dissipate one bit.


so yup. im sorry, for being an ass. for being not worthy of shedding a tear. for forgeting all the bonds i had with u ppl. so thank u. with ur death, i hope tt im not the only one who learnt this lesson of togetherness. i will connect with ur family tt u used ur whole life to built and ill be sure to make sure im part of it. and, ill take gd care of ur eldest daughter( tts my mum) heh.








goodbye, sorry. thank u and please take care.

the reunion.?

downing instant laksa noodles atm. perhaps its a hint of the taste of heaven.


recieved the ill news of the fact tt my grandfather passed away this morning, which is...a pretty heavy topic which i will touch on on another day.


just gonna be talking bout the gathering today. so my fren's gf organized a "surprise" bday celebration for him and it jus seemed to be a class gathering for them. lol, since I wasn't in the same class and all. nonetheless, well i came with a heavy heart but i guess it turned out pretty ok, tho i was damn grumpy and all.
well surprisingly xy came, like thru all those coincidences, xh's gf noes her as well and thus invited her. and heck, sadly exactly like 5 years ago, izzit 5, or 6. well the thing is exactly like so many yrs ago, when i did badly for my alvls and didn haf the confidence to face u, i cant even secure a gd job today tt wld gif me enuf confidence to face u again. tt sucked so damn much.lol. like...will i ever haf the courage, will i ever haf the chance to face all those tt got away " hey, im doing well."
perhaps yes, perhaps not. but nonetheless, i rly wanted tt. so, this will be the driving force for me to push forward.

and tear all those in my way.

glad tt i went too, a good wake up call for this guy stucked in a loserish shell.

the dark night.

on the darkest nights, in the loneliest days, and till i found someone new, ill think of u. tts my promise. to myself.


teh heh.


okay. so heres whats up, a week since the parties ended and nope, still no news at all and i practically rotted myself at home. lol due to the lack of cash and all. spent it all in a day, thus the confinement. Zzzz. and i hope tt i wont spend it all again this sunday jus cuz i had to hang out with my fren to "celebrate" his bday which i didn felt like gg but i thought, i shld rly get out and interact with ppl no matter what.


well of cuz its because the organizer is actually his gf, so its gonna be a pretty "fake" outing, lol i duno what word wouldve been appropriate tho but lets just keep to fake for now. cuz u noe, when u haf unfamiliar ppl in the grp, one tends to behave differently(no matter how slightly tt wldve been) and yea. tts wads gonna happen. and of cuz not to mention tt this bunch of ppl ignoredddddddddd my query on whether they wanna hang out for NYE.


i am the kind who wld really rmb these kinda stuff, and yea i am offended even tho i knew they had other plans on, all i wanted was just a fking reply " like hey sry man" and shit but well, the power of silence. nonetheless, its not enuf to make me hate them lol. after all we've been thru sOoo much tgt. im jus slightly piqued okay.


well well one week passed meaninglessly, but look forward to the next? cuz u nv know wad wld be in store for u tml.


yay;)

The 2015

all them parties haf ended, ( and i shall not create more). ive reached the limit, i needed a job like now. lol anw, the job search is pretty vexing these days as i rly didn see any jobs of interest.


nonetheless, i mus keeep searching and nv give up.


aww. nth much to say for now loL! k

last christmas.

hey y'all merry xmas :))


as far as i rmb, ( ive actually read my blog entry frm last xmas.) i actually did meet up with my frens for a gathering. and i think i was the one who organized it loL. anw this year was.... lol im jus sipping beer and munching on them junk food.


so yea,i got wad i wanted, wad i deserved =) year after year, i always hoped tt the nxt wld be better than this year. but this christmas, lemme wish for smth different.




i hope tt nxt christmas wldve been the best one of all. =)


i haf 1 year to work for it anddddd i will make it better than all the previous ones.




new year update will come in few days time

here there.

im back since.... friday? always wanted to haf an update but just cant think of enuf materials to put into one entry. nonetheless im jus gonna try saying something.


hmm christmas and new year is just abt the corner, the past few years has been pretty...... boring? heh since its almost an annual affair tt we wld gather tgt and haf chill out tgt. but this year, i didn wanted to organize it again haha. so im wondering if anything will happen. OK let me rephrase it. i dont think anyones gonna organize anything so, yea this year's gonna be different lol. this year's gonn be lonely and all. well.... a new change? heh. its prolly wad i wanted to happen or at least, its wad i made it happen. lol duno if my sentence sounds correct, heck.


haha the job hunts getting slow, one thing being the job ads aint too attractive, and also after a 2 weeks hiatus, it seems tt my brain's getting alittle bit thrown off course.
to elaborate, ive always wanted to get into this stockbroking, equities sector etc. and to begin with, i dont even haf the exact answer as to why i wanted to. nonetheless, i decided to set my mind to it and be darn sure tt i go the correct way. so, after so many mths of search, perhaps the fatique, perhaps its jus a lost of momentum, i started wondering why am i so adamant in the first place. as in, why did i want to do it so much, and shld i jus gear away frm it and at least get a damn job first?


of  cuz i noe im overstaying my welcome(at home rotting lol) but.... its not like i dont want to work but i... sadly... dont rly noe what i want? and i cant get a job tt wants me. lol


so.... of cuz ill keep going ill keep finding based on my initial decision. so..ok. ill see how it goes? and hopefully my xmas and new year wont be too boring heh

The new life ahead.

So I just found out Smth not so nice. But then again, it's supposed to be over. Longgg longg over. But it jus feels pretty awful. I've always had the slight mentality that Someday somewher I'll get u back. While another part of me knew that it's not gonna happen again. I still do carry tt hope tt, miracle might happen.

So now, I'm pleading this cy. After the end of the ict. I'll. Treat it as a new life. A new beginning. All that has happened ain't gonna matter anymore. Looking forward is key.

Alright let's jus get thru these and live a brand new life ahead.

Cheers.

perserverance

having a short break.while my mind is currently full of finishing this shit, i knew tt shits gonna get tougher; in real life tt is.


when i get outta there, i haf to get a job asap. as i can see my debt snowballing larger and larger. its a good experience, i had to say, tt puts me in a rly uncomfortable position and makes me wanna go back to my normal life so damn much.


kinda haunted by memories these days when i had nth to do and memories will jus come by knocking. live with no regrets Cy. u did wad u thought was right, and who can say tt ur choice aint right? heh. life is always like this. so push on and u will see the light at the end of the tunnel.


so. ok i haf to go back soon. argh.

Inside.

pretty much stoned the whole of today away Cuz of the lack of activities, or perhaps there are activities but I jus Didn go for it. Nonetheless, prolly its a good make of for my lack of slp these days. Since I'm RLY dreading to come back here.

I do wonder why am I always stucked in shitholes, like perhaps a shitty person like me jus deserved to be stuck in one lol. It's, hard to make new frens when they alr had a clique on their own. But well of Cuz I tried my best to stick wif em, hah. It's a little hard for me to get along wif em. Perhaps Its jus the beginning awkward "I noe u but I don't fking noe anything else other than ur name, and we haf to act close" kinda thingy. Lol. Well, it's.. Okay I hope. I'll jus stick to them like gum. Cuz I rly hate being alone. Like. Now LoL.

Many reflections were done these days, like is it worth the sacrifice, did I make the wrong choices again. I wld say, my goals were realistic and definitely doable. It's just me forgetting the fact tt, I had a pretty weak heart. Which I tot was strong. I Felt relieved initially and RLY motivated but, towards the middle part, I start losing sight of my goal, I start needing somebody. I guess that's wher I went wrong. So now, I'm suffering the consequences. I guess it's a lesson I wanted to teach myself. Cherish, humility, open.

Cherish what I haf, be humble and not think too much of myself, be open to ideas and words from other ppl. I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I do miss u. Rly rly. But I shldn do anything abt it, Cuz I suck.

Side note, I'm mega bored of doing nth inside here.-__- pls let today end quickly THX

new start.

finished the cfa ytd which rly...is freaking difficult but, well ive alr made plans for the worst so. i suppose im jus glad tt its over. for now.


feeling pretty horrible these days fretting abt reservist and stuff, of cuz, firstly, its gonna be 2 weeks of doing shit and staying outside. and yea, having to live with ppl im not close with kinda sucked. plus, my low self esteem these days lol....makes it hard to know new ppl. but well.. lets hope tt i can jus endure and live, even if it is in a horrible manner, and jus.. live through it? tho theres no longer anything waiting for me out here but. i.. still love the outside world so much.


the rainy days, the solitude. ill deal with it.


hail to the new start, and lets hope tt my nxt spring will be awesome, when i come out of tt jungle hole.

reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.

tomorrow.

its alrdy nearing the end of november.


perhaps its due to the fact tt exams are coming in, and the fact tt ive been pretty much coped up at home, it feels tt time really simply jus flew past. day by day, ill jus be waiting for tml to come like " ah tml im gonna do this. i will catch up on the studying tml." and then pop, ive only got 1 week left. -.-


ah. brain's pretty much not in the mood to blog lol. but i tot i shld write smth down to remind myself what i did and how i felt these days. might update again soon but now, lol. tts it yay


k im back to add in more stuff. lol. u know, the longer this job hunt drags on, the more im beginning to lose sight of what I am looking for. so many times, ive decided on the things tt I gotta do and den, I realised tt no, I cant do it tt way. and im supposed to go the other way around. and then I'll go and hide in a corner and den cursing to the wall. so what shld I do now. this way or the other, I don't know. lol. perhaps.. I shld go this way, the way tt ppl cursed at, or no, I shld go the way where ppl will jus feel indifferent about?


ok. i jus finished a practice paper. and i freaking scored 53/120. fking fail. and wif reference. am i stupid or wtf. lol. god. its tt feeling again. tt feeling of working hard, trying hard and failing. nonetheless im jus blogging now instead of revising tt shit. but argh fk. this shit sucked. so much. shld prolly go back to em later on


fking shit.








and i jus feel tt u're pretty disgusting.

the flower of hope.

apparently I haven't found it yet. lOL. but life's gonna go on. hahha. life isnt what i rly hoped tt it wld turn out as but, as long as i still live, im still good to go.


the job hunt is rly.. lol... ambiguous, whereby the end seemed so near and the nxt moment, "pop" i went back to the starting point. not gonna complain still.. cuz... my parents haf not given up on me, as i have yet to give up.


much studying and understanding is still needed for CFA. but..i jus cant seem to find the motivation to. even as ive alrdy removed every, single, distraction there might be. perhaps tt loneliness, tt solitude is whats bringing me down.


ive been using running man as a escape. ( heh thx man) but.. escaping arent gonna solve the problem. as i noticed in u too, u tend to escape when u face a problem, and ive tried to correct tt. but aw, that irony. i realized tt ive been doing the same thing. i shldve been rly focused on studying now. but.. every other thing seemed to haf attracted my attn.




i guess god heard my voice, saying how i am accepting ur absence and all. then i saw an update on ur life and i thought i needed some  beer again. tt intentional prank played on me. lol


but, well. i... haf to live a better life. i cant live in sorrow forever and i wont be able to do anything if im jus another pathetic worm crawling ard. ill.. try to still live wif  pride. i must.

Frustration.

went back to school to print some past year papers and, with the drizzle going on, i decided to go for a little walk down the memory lane. places which ive been to so often, places where we've went thru tgt. the memory is still fresh in my mind but, wanting it to happen again is no longer possible. mayb i shld be glad tt u're not wif me now anw, cuz, this harsh period tt im gg thru, its better not for anyone to see. lol tt wldve been so embarrassing.


tt aside, its pretty frustrating to go for interviews, and not getting the offer. lol. i wonder how many times have tt been now, and yes its pretty much my fault for not preparing enuf and not putting in the effort to understand the job. it feels so bad tt im practically rotting my life away, whereby i cldve been doing so much more.


and ppl wld be like "hows ur job hunt so far" fuck u. isnt the fact tt im unemployed self-explanatory to tt qn? and argh pls. jus gimme tt job lol. it rly sucked so much to be a liability, it rly sucked tt im so willing to work harder than anyone else and do so much better than any average other, but i dont haf the capability to prove it. my god. no


pick me up. please.

yet another.

am blogging frm starbucks lOL. perhaps due to geographical reasons, im seeing many familiar faces. lol. I wonder if I wld look familiar to them too cuz... I think I wld appear pretty different than before lOL. but no one's came over to talk to me so I guess tts cool. well I wasn't particularly nice to other ppl after all so... most likely nbdy wld wanna come over even if they do recognise me lol!

browsed thru my past few blog entries and I realised tt the contents haf pretty much been the same, and I sinderely apologize for tt. for being so repetitive, for being so lame.
for a change, im jus gonna talk abt erm, things tt are more.... not so emo?

went for another job interview and heck, im pretty sure I want this job. but.. thing is I was only informed abt the interview ytd afternoon and well I looked thru the job description tt didn look too interesting. but, as the interviewer went into details abt the job, gosh. I want it man. fk me for being not prepared.=_=

but well its ok. its just another item to add into my LONNNNNGGGGGGG anaconda-ishly LONNGGGGGGG LIST OF failures. jus one additional item wont make it look tt different lOL.

results, aren't known yet but I do hope for the best.

in dire need to study but damn, had to go to my bro's hse fr a couple of drinks
yea alcohol. lOl.=_=. well I asked him if I cld go for a drink on one occasion (when I was feeling rly down) and I ended up not gg lol. and, he's been asking me fr a couple of times alr and... I don't think its nice to reject him any further, jus as I was in urgent need of studying time, gosh I feel so unprepared.

hai... bonding is impt too, so... I guess... lets do it =0, and work smth out. okay.

it finally started sinking in, the fact tt u;re no longer within my reach. im, most likely cool wif tt. jus, don't invoke my memories and ill be fine.

ive got impt things to do after all

the season's change.(memories in the rain)

It's starting to rain pretty frequently these days, a sign tt December is coming, the year is ending. This year seemed to haf past by pretty quickly, perhaps it feels the same every but well. Okay. 

Being jobless for so long felt so bad, u noe, being a liability and all. Not being able to go out wif ppl Cuz of financial constraints, staying home for the whole day for God knows what reason. I hope it ends soon, while at the same time Im q afraid abt the uncertainty ahead. 

 

Well I've always had a thing for the rain, memories.? Mayb. But whenever there is a storm outside, I wld stare into it and jus start thinking abt the past, not RLY abt u noe, events tt happened in the rain previously but, jus whatever tt affects me the most.?

The rain is a trigger to the painful/most significant memories in my mind. Lol I wonder if I made it sound understandable but okay. 

I've tot of hw my life wld be if I didn make tt "wrong" decision then. It seems tt, Mayb, just Mayb, even if I had stucked myself to U, I wld most prolly not be very happy nonetheless. Well humans aren't animals tt can be satisfied easily. I wld probably had a lot of fun wif u and neglected the cfa, I cld still be working in spinelli, if not I wldve jus randomly accepted any job tt came. instead of wad I'm doing now (which is erms, supposingly searching for the correct job tt I wanted)

And then I'll still feel fked up tt I'm stucked wif someone like u. And then The same thing will happen again lol. Well. We were meant to break after all. I wld only cherish u if I didn had u, and u aren't the kind who will slowly stand there and wait for me to come back. Perhaps tts a inevitable fate. So, I had to accept this. 

Nonetheless abt another person, lol we haf on one side someone who wanted to care abt u, and u're jus going ard and getting ur heart break. Ain't it weird? Human tt is. Like, u're most likely attracted to things tt are not attracted to u lol.and thus we have  so many unhappy human running ard. 

Well well tt irony, tt rain, tt season of festive is coming again. And to me, it's jus an awful scorn.

Me and my beer against the world.

Ya. I uds tt its supposed to be "my beer and I " and a more appropriate title for today shldve been
"My beer and I against the storm" but let's jus leave it tt way, heh.
Wanted to study at Mac after trying out the ebi burger but apparently it's mega flooded wif ppl even at like 9+. I wonder wads wrong wif em, like why are there so many ppl having Mac at 9+ wher it's too early to be supper timing and too late to be dinner timing. But oh wells I'm there Cuz I wanted to study, so ive got a real valid reason to purposely avoid the supposingly busy dinner timing. But alas, it's still mega packed wif ppl walking ard wif their trays of food.
And that's another issue. If u noe tt it's rly crowded, why wld u buy ur food first and den search for a seat, u're jus gonna look ridiculous walking ard wif a tray, in a crowded fast food restaurant. Nope, I noe wad these ppl are thinking, no matter what, nope. Don't expect tt jus becoz u haf a tray of food, u will get a seat.

Ugh so abt me, cuz of tt crowd, I Didn haf the cheek to take out my stuff to study even tho I RLY wanna to. Kindhearted CY left his seat straight after eating tt ebi burger and proceeded to buy 2 cans of beer. LOl

As I've mentioned, or Uve seen, today is RLY RLY rainy. Did I use the right description? Well heck it anw. So wif a small umbrella, 2 beer, I went on an adventure to walk thru the heavy rain. It's pretty scary tho, lol wif the Lightning and stuff. Not tt Im afraid of the loud noises frm thunders but I'm more afraid tt i wld get hit by lightning and end my wonder life so randomly, lol

Anw, the experience of walking thru the rain and the fear tt came wif it made me feel... Alive. Since I've been pretty much coped up doing my own stuff and haven't rly felt much emotions these days, so yea I felt alive. It feels nice to be drinking beer, in the middle of a heavy thunder storm, wif my soaking wet shoes and socks and shorts. It's rly smth I haven't experienced it for a longggg while. Lol. Perhaps I'm crazy, perhaps everyone else is like this too. Like putting myself in an uncomfortable position intentionally jus to feel the thrill. If u get wad I meant lol. So yea a nice long walk while relating this situation to my current life situation. Like even if there's a storm pelting down on u, it's not tt bad if u haf an umbrella, well it's awesome if u had a beer but tts optional lol. The storm will be over sooner or later, and when it happens, what is left wld be a better tml, and a stronger u. Bleh duno if it's making sense, I'll prolly review and edit it Tml. Tts it for now I guess.


Today's pretty normal, nth bad happened so I guess I can call it a good day.?

lol

out of boredom, i extracted a part of my history to remind myself of my thoughts then. here goes:


"I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to."




annnnnddd yUP! i became the one who broke the promise lOL! after...5 mths? heh. yup. i semi expected tt. but well at least i lasted for 5 mths so lol. Tho i still think of u every once in a while, i guess i can be cool bout everything tt happend. since i haf to believe tt i was rationale when i made the decision then. things changed, life moved on, and i turned out pretty differently frm wad i had expected. i tried crawling back cuz i was lonely, i guess tt was so dumb right ridiculous.


i knew how the game goes, the 1 who gave in more loses out, but i just....wanted to try, wanted to fight b4 giving up.


nonetheless, even tho right now, im in a pretty ridiculous state, i shall trust in that cy who still had a rationale brain. that cy who wasnt tormented by loneliness, that cy, who didn felt like a uselesss asshole.


heh. still.. i dont give up. i will keep working hard, and even tho things dont work out my way, i wont stop until it does. =)
even tho ive been repeating this for many times, i guess this helps to show tt i wont give up no matter how the odds seemed to be againtst me.










here goes nothing.

here comes the rain 2

lol. if ure wondering bout the "2", cuz this title came to my mind today and i was thinking if ive used it before, so i checked it out and yup! i used it on a post tt was on 5th Jan 2014. basically jus abt u noe, wanting to spend more time with my family and wanting to forget the past memories tt was triggered by the rain stuff?


not tt bad, but today the rain has another meaning to me. it reminds me tt i cldve been out there in the cold, cldve been not able to walk ard, oh yea, i went down for a walk after seeing the downpour. heh, just attracted to rain in general, and yup it wldve been perfect if it was at night, with a cold beer in hand LOL. try it sometimes, its pretty awesome.


so the cold wind reminds me tt i cldve been out there, i cldve been in a very uncomfortable state and not happily walking ard to buy food. in fact heck, the way im spending money, i shldve went bankrupted months ago. so i shld be contented with wad i haf and, strive to achieve more, instead of whining abt wad i cldnt haf. yes its true tt life hasnt been very fair to me, but well i havent been fair to other ppl ard me anw so ill call it quits.


the me now is rly smth not worth mentioning, i hate it when i bcome a liability instead of an asset. to top it off, my brain's constantly getting distracted and i cant help it. a good way to solve this is to get outta the house and study but, apparently i wld need money for tt, and tt is smth i dont rly haf LOL


so what now? nth. continue my life. day by day, and hope for the better, i cannot give up. there are too many ppl i had to impress. well even if i dont, at least i wanna live normally, like any other average ppl out there. okay. yea

Oh, hi November.

so it's alrdy November since ytd. Lol. So September was pretty bad, October was spent drowning myself in self pity and stuff, but heck, I Didn think I've been rly happy for a long long time. It's almost like I'm always trapped in the endless loop of unhappiness. but yea, even if im not happy, i can still live, and as long as i live, i will be happy someday.


tracing back, ive pretty much wasted the WHOLE of my october drinking and wasting time away, and being emotional for wadever shit. perhaps tts the autumn's sorrow? haha like a person will always want to have a companion in this season. heh. but wells. ive alrdy did all tt was within my capabilities, ive alrdy greived more than i shld. and i hafta put my focus on the right stuff now. tt one month wasted, i.. hope it wont affect me too much. after all, in tt month, i did a hell lot of reflection too.


time to get my priorities right. time to get back into the game. and well, life sucked but the fight aint over yet. its only challenging when all the odds are against me. =) heh. if its any easier, it wldve been all too easy.

hi hello.

jus came home from a little bit of drinking with slightly less expenditure on drinks. it was pretty nice to haf frens to hang out with, even tho its not alot of them, and family who wld come and haf dinner tgt for catching up sessions. it seems nth much but perhaps i shld be glad abt it since its really not a given.
its pretty common to haf frens who's saying "oh sorry i cant make it today, oh sorry ive got smth on tonight" etc. it sure is frustrating but... we haf to accept them as they are? cuz.. if they didn wanna hang out with u, it means tt u're just less worthy than anything else tt they were spending their time on. heh. true? yup, solution to that? make sure tt u are worth their time. prolly by making urself more useful to them, or... somehow make ur self look beneficial to them in due course haha.
perhaps its making friendship sound so disgustingly superficial but... tts nature, even tho u've been frens for like 10+ years, if ure deemed as not entertaining enuf, not useful in future, u will still get disqualified to haf their time. haha nope, it works for all frenships, if u totally disagree now, wait for a few years later, and u will uds what i meant.


nonetheless, i still had a few frens left spending time wasting time tgt, which is pretty... ok? given tt my status now looks so fked up. of cuz i uds tt someday they might get rid of me too if i continue to rot like im doing now, heh, i will make sure im worthy b4 tt happens, or, i will make sure it will happen someday and they will get back to me. im cool with tt, after all...i guess im the same too.


okay nxt topic, u've been coming out frm my mouth and in my mind so much more these days, perhaps its due to the fact tt im going through the phase of regret. it is..ok. part and parcel of life but... yea i regretted not keeping u. and i shldnt haf thought so much abt what other ppl will think of us. but well.... since it alrdy happened.... someone else will be able to get me, the me who wld really devote myself to the person who rly cared for me and will not do anything half heartedly. its rly a pity tt it wont be u tho, cuz... u're the one who changed me. nonethelesss, if u will attain a greater happiness, as ive alr said so many times, go ahead girl. i... shld be fine without u.


the only easy day is yesterday, every tomorrow is gonna be challenging but, i'll live. i'll live. i dont give up. i will work harder, day. by. day.

im fine, thank u

met up and hanged out with minhan for q a while jus now and were talking about our past lifes. lol like secondary, jc, uni... etc. thinking back, i've lacked courage for so many occasions and let so many things slipped past. and here i tot im a brave person, well i guess im just full of fear, full of indecisiveness.


perhaps it comes with age, like thinking back how different my life wld be if i did smth different then, hah it wld seem like my whole history wldve changed if my decision was different few years back. and yup ive talked bout this b4 but today is prolly the first time i actually talked to sme1 and gave it much more thought


went home and felt empty again, haha of coz with all the regrets trying to get me down and with no one there to make me feel better. Even tho i shldve been used to it by now but...lol i guess it still hurts no matter how many times it has been. nonetheless, its a cold world we're living in and i am pretty much the same as everybody else out there. so ive got to help myself up. ive gotta be pick myself up.




so here i am now. same old place. same old spot. but yup be positive, be thankful. im glad tt i haf such supportive family, im glad to haf supportive friends, im glad tt i had the strength to go through all these. it sucks but ill try my best to make it out of all these. and when it ends, ill smile. ill try my best to smile everyday and be a happy person.




-like this, another day passed. thoughts of u kept coming to my mind whenever im talking abt anything. tho....i shldve been glad tt i left u at tt spot, if not it cldve hurt so much more. n i do wonder wld u think of me at times too, wld u be reminded of us at those places tt we've been to tgt? if u do, I hope tt u wld do it with a smile, if so, I'll sincerely thank u. and ill oso work hard on my side so dont worry.


im fine. thank u.

the flip side.

lol. so there goes that opportunity. and i was thinking that this couldve been their goal from the start. how easy it must haf been, jus a few messages and u wld want me to change my mind?






well yes im desperate but... stilll, i duno. im afraid of making the wrong choices again. thus i decided to listen to the people around me this time. ill.. give it one more try. one more wait. even tho im really running on a short edge right abt now.


just as before, the end tt looked like its gonna be within my reach, suddenly disappeared into thin air. and then i haf to start all over again.


 lol nonetheless, ill be fine. im cy.


yea. time for a beer.

that ending.

perhaps i shldve been glad. perhaps i shldve cursed my fate, cursed whatever tt made things this way. but well, its a matter of perspective.
'hope' is something tt helps u move forward, thinking tt there is smth worth fighting for at the end of the tunnel. while at the same time, tt 'hope' could haf led u fighting for eons and then finally ending up at the same place where we started.
with all hope lost, we will stop moving in tt direction and thus able to focus on other stuff tt might've led to better returns. so i guess i shld be thankful tt the cold harsh fact was slapped into my face. TWICE. within this short span of time.


keep moving, keep fighting, keep climbing. tts my motto. but well, there are times wher i felt so low, felt so empty to the point where i forgot abt my motto totally.
at least for now, yes, knock me down. kick me. throw shit into my face. i wont give up. ill rise back up, and when i do, i wont forget those who were wif me, and those who werent. not tt im gonna kick u outta my life but ill keep u close to me. as the saying goes, keep ur frens close,and keep ur enemies closer. ill bring u sorrow tt u wld nv expect.


so yes. a little cliche but yup, to my family, thank u for being with me when im in this state, i will try my best to repay u ppl. and to those other ppl, :) be ready.


thank u and goodbye.

that push that pull.

same old same old. tried to be more constructive today but it didn seem to work.  its all in the mind they say, and it aint nice to feel a pull and then a push within such a short time frame. its like my brain's constantly being made a fool.


nonetheless, i shlve jus concentrated, as tt girl said, on whatever im doing and not bother about everything else. and as cy has explained, we only haf 2 hands, tt is only enuf to hold what rly mattered to us: it aint enuf to hold everything around us in place. do what we can, do what we needa do.


well interview's coming up and it seemed pretty bleak cuz... i jus dont haf enuf shit in me to puke out during interviews. lol im very bad at impressing ppl cuz im actually pretty honest out there. ill go for it tho, and... keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities out there. as for my torn and tatterred heart. i wonder why its starting to bother me after so many mths. perhaps i haf a limit too, perhaps i cant be cold as i wanted to be.


well i shld be happy? cuz the scenerio i planned for u worked out the way i wanted to. tho i didn planned tt i wldve been so down. but nonetheless. at least one of us are happy, so economically speaking, ive acheived efficiency.


as for me, ill continue to work hard.( i hope) and ill nv gif up and rot by the side of the road. till we meet again my heart, u rly needa stop getting in my way k thx.

here i am.

here. i am reminiscing bout the past. doing some reflections and stuff. of cuz ppl wld say we shld look forward and dont keep dwelling on the past. well i wld say tts pretty correct but of cuz, everything now, and everything in future is constructed by ur past. tts wad having past case studies and historical analysis is important, wif the gist of not commiting the same mistake again.


ive made mistakes. so many of em. even though, at tt point of time, ive made careful thoughts abt each choice, i felt tt they haf been so wrong.


however, u wld nv know? cuz even if i didn made tt choice then, smth worse cldve happened, and mayb, something greater wldve happen later despite the setback now.


nonetheless, i woke up thinking to myself today, its.. a public holiday, i wld rather spend my time feeling lonely tgt wif my parents rather than going out and making myself more lonely, and also my parents more lonely. heh, since other ppl seem to haf so much fun outside, it wld prolly make me feel worse if i was out there looking at them having fun isnt it?


i guess i chose this lonely path unknowingly, a few mths ago. i was so tired of hanging out with ppl and i tot i wanted alone time so much. i wanna be selfish n jus be on my own. but i guess im jus suffering the results of my decisions then, which....may not be wrong. cuz those connections with other ppl cld work both ways.
1) they cld be chains binding you to the ground and preventing u frm achieving ur goals.
2) they cld be motivations to keep u going even when the odds were against u


well yup it depends on urself ultimately but i guess i tend to be the kind who MIGHT give up everything jus to be wif tt person, and tt cld ultimately lead to my demise. so since im alone now, i can jus keep going forward and upwards. i hope.


so yea, even tho u're still constantly on my mind these days, i cant. i noe i wont be able get u back anyway, so might as well, try my best and get up there to find someone else.


i wont hate myself. i must not hate myself.

it's painful.

It hurts. Lol like my stomach's hurting like hell and I Sincerely hope tt it will go away soon. Nth much to update anw, and HAF loads of shit to do which I haven done. So tts bad.

Just wanted to say this, CY nv gives up. Cy hates losing. It may seem tt I gave up, but I'm jus taking a step back and will look for a Gd chance to step back into the game. Heh.tts how it goes. But wait it hurts arghf my stomach. Lol. Take care.. I'll come get the world after.... My stomach gets better.


Arghfs

bad.

just as i thought that the end is near, i realised tt its not near after all. i've to start over again and go round and round in circles. as if life wasnt hard enuf, i lost my spare wallet wif like abunch of money inside.-_- and i wasnt even drunk. wtf. i guess life jus hated the pure fact tt im trying hard to get up and jus hoped tt i will lie down there and cry and jus give up and stop trying.


or mayb life has something so great for me tt ive to go through ALLLLLLL these shit to get to it. tho frankly speaking. im thankful to haf parents who were willing to feed me with food and letting me leech em out for SOO bloody long. though i dont get to eat all them awesome food, i was made sure tt i wasnt hungry. so its awesome. im rly rly eager to repay em for everything but.... life jus didn wan me to yet. perhaps they are also being tested.


well ive dreamt of u again.and tts stupid. fking brain. y cant u gif me tt kind of feeling like 5 mths back, sighh well. as much as i tried to go out and haf fun. im jus getting more damaged instead of trying to heal myself. its tiring, its painful. its hard. but i guess ill live through since...im awesome heh.


its a saturday and ive spent it sleeping at home. how awesome. cy... how awesome.. and heres to a boring week ahead cuz... im running outta money. fuck me. lol

that girl.

perhaps i liked you the most since we've spent so much  time tgt. and... it was really really painful for me during tt point of time but. i guess nw, we're pretty much " okok frens" and perhaps tt ending aint too shabby. i rmb wad i liked abt u, being a random girl who had so much rubbish tt we cld talk abt. always not ashamed to express ur hunger. tt girl whom i wanted to protect so much, i guess she is not here anymore. wad i see now is someone else. just...someone else. its pretty boring listening to wad u had to say, and yea, perhaps u jus didn looked as pretty as b4. or mayb ive just had a change of heart.
WHICH IS PROBABLY GOOD cuz tt point of life was pretty bad since i had to drown all my emotions with sO much alcohol and hanging out and stuff. now i can rly say im not into u. anw thx for becoming tt way, since we aint meant for each other anyway.


so, nxt, ure pretty much just a name to me nowadays. even tho i rmb how i liked ur personality, how u tried to maintain a stoic face even tho ure burning inside. heh we're so similar and yet so different. but i guess it cldve been just a fleeting feeling frm tt moment. and i really wonder if my heart will still skip a beat for u and ive been wanting to find out. i duno, but i wanted the answer, even tho it may not turn out well, i still hoped tt i can make the ending slightly better and not having us becoming strangers.


lastly. well i was wrong. i think i liked u more than i thought i did. heh but its kinda weird tt we ended with this. lOl and well i dont blame u. im at fault after all lol. it wldve been great if u cldve acquired happiness, tho.. heh. its not gon be forever girl. when ure down and out again, come to me. ill probably still be waiting LOL. since im rly gonna start working towards my future. tt... seemed to be bleak, while at the same time hopeful. it didn end well as well lOL and yea. i wldve wanted it to end better. nonetheless perhaps i shld jus leave u alone for... a good amt of time and see how it goes? when i was finally ready to gif u happiness, ure no longer there. aint tt a joke? to think tt i will fall to tt level.


well nonetheless, i think i shldve pretty much got back on track. with loads of revising to do, loads of self improvement to do, tml shldve been my final party for this arc. and yea ill do well nxt time and not create anymore bad endings. as for those bad endings, im definitely gonna make it well. heh. stay tuned.

i tried.

i've tried hard enuf. i did wad i wanted to i guess. but perhaps it wasnt enuf, perhaps i shldn even do it at all and jus stay home and sucked on my thumb. i tried to haf fun outside and im able to forget abt stuff for like a few hours. perhaps tts good enuf.


i feel tt im back to normal. i feel tt i can go back to my previous lifestyle after wasting 2 weeks of precious studying time.


there are moments where i felt, fk it. i must go out and jus take anything given to me. stepping out is rly the hardest and most impt thing. but...den again i wld hear ppl telling me to dont take shits tts thrown to u. pick the right job. but its difficult since there's a specific job tt i wanna do, and the employers are also choosing me. its hard to find someone who wants me and i want them, just as love. haha.


i shld haf recovered. even tho i still feel sore and weak everywhere. i thnk i can walk now, smile now, enjoy the sun now. i must recover, i must become the object of envy, i must live up to my expectations and regain the power in my name.

A day

so today was like the first day tt Im actually working hard to get rid of my other lame feelings and it didn rly worked out.  Thoughts of u just kept popping up in my head,  Well. Surely I didn expect tt to happen but... Since it happened.. I can't help it.


talking to frens, hanging out with them, was slightly helpful heh but perhaps ill need more time? :)





and last night I was desperately finding replacements for u but nope, I realised no one can. or mayb jus no one wanted to. since im the kind who wld jus ignore ppl after i dont haf any use for them. lol.  I was broken when i met u but jus when i thought im ready and all better? u broke me again.


lol someday someone willl fix me up, but well till then ill try to do it myself.





Well. Tml's prolly gonna be a bad day but i gotta make it better as much as I guess I'm the only one in control of my tomorrow.


Heh. I nv knew how impt u are to me only after ure no longer in my reach. Ain't it ironically fked up? and now im like a whiny old little baby saying "come back come back". tt is so bloody stupid. hehe.

perhaps.

perhaps i cld move on frm there. it still kinda hurts but talking with ppl... kinda helps. esp... u noe? heh. well i... have been drinking since... last week? i guess my mind's only clear when i.. haf enuf alcohol in my body. few hours back i kept telling myself. " yea...  im gonnna be okay. yea i shld be able to move on soon." but of cuz there are moments where i told myself. " argh fk. i need somebody"


well.... i hope tt i cld move on of cuz. and.... yea.. i will work harder. I suppose what's left was jus... Regret, and the feeling of losing. Tt is why it's pushing me so far. I guess it's too late. I think I mght HAf had enuf alcohol. I'll......... Jus slp. Lol.

The only time I felt okay was when I was drinking and when I was sleeping.,other than tt, I felt pretty much like I'm not alive.

alternating.

im simply alternating between hope and despair. i said im okay. and the nxt moment im like fuck this. and then a while later, i told myself  "no bro..u gon be fine"


studying became so hard. and i can barely breathe normally. i guess its just tt kind of feeling again.. tt feeling ive alrdy experienced so many times, and i still cant get used to it. its.. a shame to let u go but... of cuz i will try to get u back. and of cuz. i must let u go if i cant get u back. pulling u anymore wldve been too much lol. not to mention tt ive alrdy crossed tt line so many times. but yea. one final push. i suppose.


well it depends on my mood too. heh =) ill need my frens. i need them to b with me. if not.. i supppose i might be too depressed and i wont be able to concentrate on anything. tt fking cfa staring at me too. argh.


what timing cy... if only u felt like this... 3 mths back? or mayb 4. fuck u like seriously dumb fker lol.

where am i.

so its tuesday. its been.. a week of mourning. heh. i wonder wad the hell is wrong with me. randomly started thinking of u. randomly getting ignored. randomly doing all sorts of stupid things. randomly feeling emo and losing momentum of everything i had.
havent been able to slp well these days so it sucked. and i cant seem to slp well w/o alcohol too. perhaps ive jus been making wrong choices...day by day. but nonetheless.. nobdy knows if it is wrong until someday in the future.


if fate brings us together again. be assured. this time. i wont let u go.


tt said... i sincerely hope tt i can get back to my schedule soon. i guess i need a new life routine so tt i dont feel so dead.


end of the day. fuck me.
and i hope these bad stuffs will be over soon. i want to smile and laugh like everyone else do. why did i not haf any of these rights.

The cy.

with the myraid of loserish emo lame posts these days rly got me thinking wad happened. So let's analyse this logically and try to make some science out of these.

I guess ive always thought tt someone would be there for me if I asked. TT u are still waiting for me. And well I almost forgot how long it has been and how I've treated u. And perhaps u're RLY disgusted wif me. Nonetheless, after a few months of concentrating on smth, and then I had to face a rly tough choice. I guess tts when I feel so stressed up coz tt decision cldve been life changing and thus I rly needed someone to talk to. Someone... I will feel comfortable wif, someone who will rly be happy for me if I did well. Someone like u. Hence I cldnt control myself any further. And TT is when I realised; nope, u don't gif no shit no more. I SHLDVE been cool abt it but well i guess it's jus tt these days, I'm feeling down and this adds to the damage perhaps.

So I'll try to be cool and say this, this is ur best chance girl, come claim it b4 I change my mind again.  Not tt u care but ok haha. I'm CY. I'm not the kind to just lose like this. I hated losing so damn much. And.. I've been losing so many times these days, and it's rly bringing me down.

So these days, I'll still try to live normally, I'll try to smile I'll try to joke, I'll try to make ppl laugh. As for u, I can only leave it to fate, chance, stats or Wadever tt will make u b reminded of me and wanted to U noe, try me out again.

If not, I'll jus keep living, try to accomplish my tasks and try to... Love again in future.
Annyeong.

temperamental

So it's an on and off thing. I said I'm gon be fine today, and tml Im jus gonna do things tt make me feel like a bloody loser. I suppose karma got the better of me. But well fuck me. Cuz I'm a fucked up bastArd. And I actually started asking help frm God. LoLs wad a joke I'm becoming.

Well nonetheless I feel pretty damaged now, but life still goes on. I've been living w/o u ppl for say...4-5 mths.? I shld get used to it.
I must get used to it, if not I don't see how I'm gonna make it out alive heh.

I've been strong for too long tt I forgot how to depend on others
I've been lonely for too long tt I forgot how warm a hug can be.

Foolish

well I promised myself and my FrEN tt I won't be texting u any further. But apparently, under the effect of some alcohol, heh. FK. I can't control myself too. I can pray I can hope I can promise, but sometimes my wishing to see u gets uncontrollable. I tot tt I won't ever be tt weak but apparently.. I've been pretty fucked up. Mayb I am the kind who wld regret decisions after all.

Of. Cuz I hoped tt u cld listen to all tt I wanted to say to u. Of Cuz I rly wanted to hang out wif u for... A pretty long amount of time. But, mayb I'll forget all Abt it tml, mayb I'll REMB this sadness for a year, mayb I will...jus continue to be a fked up piece of shit for very very long. But
I.. Do RMB every single thing abt us. I RMB everything abt u. I still wanna hang out wif u. For now. Heh. I'm sorry for everything, I wanna make up for it... Please... If there is a god.. Make her gimme a chance PLS.? This is for our sake, it's 2 ppl's happiness.


Nonetheless, if u, almighty decided otherwise, Ive tried my best. I... Will be okay... In a few mth or weeks... Or maybe a year.? Arghs fuck me.

logical.

hi today its the logical cy blogging.


hmm to catch up with my life, even tho ive been blogging, it has been those.. u noe, some lame stuff.
so...today ive made my choice, careerwise. as mentioned before... the highroad tt i was talking about. of cuz the risk is a little bit too high, but.. its smth tt i rly wanted to do. or at least try. perhaps it was too early, perhaps i shldn haf been so impatient and jus accept this conspicious job.


as the law of finance(self-proclaimed) stated, high risks comes with high returns. so, if i didn haf the courage to take tt risk, i.. wouldnt be moving forward. i may lose some things, but if  it goes well, i wld gain much more than anyone else did.


if it didn go well, i hafta say, i wldve gained some experience and u noe, i will simply.. continue my job hunt, and of coz prolly at the opportunity cost of a few thousand dollars.(like if i'd gotten a more proper job) ive gotta say, the experience will..bring me somewher. somewhere tt i rly wanted to go to.


ppl always say tt i didn noe what i want. tt is pretty untrue. i knew what i wanted. i wanted perfection. i wanted a risk-free + low skill requirement job while at the same time, high paying. tt wldve been anyone's ideal i guess. but the world jus wont spin it tt way.


so its fine. im...gonna go for it and den see how it goes? of cuz i hafta pray tt it will go towards the more ideal side.




okay tt is pretty much done abt updating abt my life. im prolly gonna list out a buncha stuff tt i didn blogged abt abt my past. so yea, u cld stop reading the below part since its jus some whiny shit. =)


hi annyeong. tt cy is back. the...u noe, weak one.


few mths ago, tt cy told me, if u wanna succeed, u hafta cut away all the distractions tt cldve stopped u frm achieving it. and hence, i...did. i didn noe if its worth it cuz, i dont think theres any equation tt cldve solved this properly.
i tried focusing on studying, i cut u off cuz of so many reasons. 1) i dont even noe if im even absorbing enuf. (2) Perhaps a motivation in life cldve helped me


no one noes the correct answer, only until its too late. perhaps i shldve been less strict. i shldnt try so hard to be god. after all, im still clad in this human flesh, and skin, and erm, u noe human heart. i duno. i dont know. sometimes smth will jolt my memory and ill start doing alot of things to bring back what i decided to throw away. tts stupid. but i guess its humane.
nonethelesss, when i cant bring it back, i.. lose heart, lose slp, lose will, lost almost everything tt kept me hanging. but i.. somehow lived through it.


a few days of drinking n emo-ing(pretty much on my own) and jus doing nth much at home prolly helped but... i cant guarantee u tt it wont happen again but at least now.. im probably able to control myself. protect u. frm. me.


this thought came to me these few days, here goes,
" im grateful tt u were there hanging out with me when i was down and out. entertaining my whimsical demands. trying ur best to accomodate to my unreasonableness and my uselessness and selfishness etc. however.. those days are over. now im so willing to give u back tenfold of what u tolerated. perhaps its too late. perhaps its not. i.. may never ever noe the answer but. know this, im.. thankful for all the fun and memories we made tgt. im thankful for ur efforts to make me happier.


and of cuz im sorry tt i pushed u away due to prolly my own selfishness. but. if ure happy now den its all okay. but of cuz. remember, u...cldve came back to me and i will give u nth but happiness this time, no less than anyone else cld gave u.


so tts tt. if u come back u will see. if u dont, ill haf to gif what i owed u to someone else. and tts pretty sad. goodbye. take care. sorry and thank u."




okay i hope after ive said all those, ill be able to move on. cuz... my life ( if nth fking sad happens) is gonna get exciting 2days frm now and i hope i wont haf the time to emo any longer.


so please. god. or wadever. please stop letting me experience sorrow. its... rly enuf please. im.. already way stronger than any other human. let. me. live. happily OKAY.?! _|_

tt irony.

well. ive been wanting to find my humanity back but. i guess i cant. i said i wanna leave, and im the only one who wanted to come back. why.


fking cy. wads wrong wif u. i rly dont uds ur course of actions. perhaps im jus prideful. perhaps theres some other reason but... nonetheless.. its gotta stop.


i cant do anything now. why. i dont know.it feels like im living but im not alive. i... wanna break out of this. if not my humanity is so gonna die off.


i am hopeful. i am strong. i must... endure. i will survive.






Part II
Had a good long talk wif Darek. I guess he reminded me of one thing. U were there when i was down and out. and I.. Pushed u away cuz I'm still in a state of fking mess. Now... I'm finally in a pretty much steady state but... Ure alr not there,  no matter how I called for u. Why.

Well if u've alr attained happiness whereby I'm not in the equation, fine. I'll... Wish u all the best I guess. Since tt is all I cldve done. If not, if ure still wandering ard out there, come to me, and claim UR just rewards. I... Loved u,






Haha. Wad a pathetic state i was in. Wake the FK up cy.



Oh btw this post was like edited 3-4 times at diff time intervals and thus the seemingly split in personality heh. But well I guess, a side of me seems so needy and the logical side of me was fighting hard to u noe, telling myself to stop being such a pussy. Hai. Tt Debate going on within my mind lol.




Haiii.

new day,

after much drinking ytd night. im feeling the after effects argh.
well.... i guess its jus me. running on a short edge ytd. there shldnt be anything felt. i didn lose anything. But tt sorrow... Well it's humane.. Perhaps.? Yes i should. wake up. get up.


and then keep moving.

Some ppl prefer taking the high road and the others wld take the smooth one. Perhaps my life never meant to be normal. I've been wanting a normal life, and perhaps now im thinking of taking the risk. Since the law of the world is as follows, high risk high return. I suppose I shld do it b4 I grow older, b4 Im afraid of risks.

I'm gonna go, and probably leave behind everything else. My past, doesnt matter. I am my now, and I will decide my future.

sorrow.

Sorrow occurs when the person u left behind is actually living a better life than you are. they said tt the best revenge to that person who hurt you is to live well, and live better than he did. i nv did expect tt one day, i wldve been the one who was the victim of tt sentence.


ive always wanted to be the giving end of that revenge, but results showed tt i....i havent moved forward. and infact, im...probably deteoriating. tt sucked.


beer. i wonder why is it tt whenever i feel bad, i wld crave for beer. and here i am now, sipping on the beer while at the same time thinking about what i shld be doing for my future. went for a few interviews and im seeing the tough side of life. rejections. over and over. failing to perform for interviews, blank mind, zoning outs. i wonder why all of tt is happening to me.


jus as i was feeling a little lost, i wanted u to comfort me. i wanted someone... jus anyone to be by my side to listen to what i haf to say. but... i suppose i was too late.
i shldve been happy, tt u moved on. but why... am i feeling this now. perhaps im jus retarded, contrary to what i tot i am. i. am. retarded. i only realize my loss when....its tooo late.


fuck me. yes fuck me.


tml shld be another challenging day with another job knocking on my door. though all of em aint what i rly wanted... i.. guesss i shld just open tt door and.. step out of it instead of jus doing it in my mind.




let us pray tt today is the only day in which i will feel fked up. pls. let me recover and go back on my track tml. please.






fuck me.

what time is it.

jus as i thought, ok..im moving forward.


den "pam" back to starting point.


i.. gotta go finish up my studies and not waste my brain thinking about those things tt doesnt matter.

Forging ahead.

How long has it been, neh not gonna start counting. Went to the dentist last week and realized tt I've actually gt q a few tooth decays. Tt is soOooO... Sad lol. Coz each decaying tooth would cost so much to take care of. Omg. Luckily this is gonna be heavily subsidized by my dad so.. Putting the pain aside. I think it's gon be ok. It's gon be ok..
I'm waiting for my turn to do my teeth again. Haha. The 2nd round wher I'm gonna get my tooth drilled and grinded and filled. Jus thinking abt it makes me scared.-_- but nonetheless I'm gg forward.

Finally went for an interview last fri. It was... So badly done. I guess I can't think straight when under some pressure and I am rly not sure of wad I wanted in life. The interviewer must've thought wad a loser this guy is. But nonetheless, I think I've gained valuable experience frm this. I'm pretty thankful for it. Btw this job opening is rly good.. And I flunked the interview. I doubt the next few jobs wont be able to even come close to this one. Heh.

I'll put in more effort. I'll be sure tt I know what I want in life and even though I don't, I'll pretend tt I know. I can do it yay.








ok im done with the shit. its surprisingly pretty painless. mayb the person who cleaned my teeth was too rough and conditioned me to the pain. it felt pretty awkward but. i guess its gonna be fine.


bought loads of stuff tho. kinda happy but the money... arghs. i rly wanna get a job soon.
i..really noe what i want now. =)

My heart

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong

That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long

Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you"

any idea wad song this is.? Lol. U noe when u like a song, u will Tryta relate it's lyrics to ur own life. Or mayb u will start liking a song tt u feel tt u cld relate ur life to. 

Ytd and today was pretty.. Constructive. Was able to exceed my targeted quota of reading thru my books. Well not to mention tt I did slack off q a bit here and there but at least I'm at a faster pace. 

Den I started thinking to myself. Wad is it tt cld be waiting for me in the end. Like, I've faced failure so many times, I've worked hard and failed too, and wad I gave up these few months for, may simply jus result in another failure. And den god or Wadever will jus point at me and laugh again, tgt wif my family and frens. "What an idiot"..

Relating back to the song, my memories abt my past deeds do come back to haunt me every once in a while, like "hey dumbass. Look at wad u are now, did u imagine urself bcoming like this few yrs back?" Well it felt bad tt even I start looking down at myself, tho I'm in a pretty, undesirable position, it didn feel all bad, it's.. Comfortable at least, so perhaps I shldn take these for granted and I rly needa start thanking my parents for willing to keep this pest at home. 

A foul mouthed brat tts rotting their money away.

And of cuz, all the happenings regarding u. I noe, tt I've alrdy... U noe, vanished completely. But at least on my side, I'll jus rmb u by myself.

My heart used to beat for only u. I left it at ur side but u decided to kick it into the bin, it's fine.  Till then. Someday someone will help me haf a heart again.

But until then, don't blame me. For being cold.

just living.

U ever had tt kind of realization, tt ure kinda outta time. I'm mega behind time and I haf so many things to do. Well... Thinking back, these few mths wasn't all bad and I felt gd tt I actually made a few right choices for gods sake. At least I felt tt they are the right choices. Tt is taking up cfa and quitting the fking spinelli job. I think I shldnt haf went back in the first place but, at least I'm outta the shit.

Sry for not being honest.but if i was honest, wld u guys let me go? Hah. I've gotta look out for myself man, too bad. And... Sry for seemingly wanting to cut off all contact. Hmm firstly, I don't q wanna blow the bubble, and I don't q enjoy having to live in a lie. So, pardon me. If I can't live honestly wif u, I don't q wanna be near u.
Same goes to all my other frens out there. I wonder wads wrong but, I'm contradictory. I wanna maintain our frenship but I don't q wanna meetup wif u ppl. Of cuz I'm tired of those inquiries abt my current status. I felt so fked up. But, I'm feeling so comfortable abt myself for some reason. Perhaps tts y I'm starting to erect a wall around myself, blocking ppl out.

Tts one. But, a day will come, where the gates will open.. I guess. And I'll run around again. And when tt time comes, I'm worry abt my mum lol. Will she die of boredom? Since.. I've been staying home for so long loL.

Oh bout cfa. Heh. I didn q expect myself to be slackin for so long. Since I've been dying to get a job since wad... May.? Tts pretty sad but at least I've got some pretty decent goal in mind all these while. So.. Yes oh wait.

I'm outta time. Gotta go back to study. Prolly update the post if smth comes to my mind.
Teheh.:|

birthdays.

jus came back after passing mhao's present to him. well working ppl are tired ppl. and i rly wanna go home to do my own stuff too so we didn waste alot of time talking abt those tt didn rly mattered.


well he's prolly the only fren ive gave presents to this year. ok fine. the only fren frm the clique ok. how shld i say it. i dont think im particularly close to him, or is he particularly close to me these years. or shld i say mayb we werent rly sOooo damn close who wld share like the darkest secrets and stuff. our frenship may haf gotten slightly pulled further these years since u noe, we're going thru diff things in sch and we dont meet up often, and everytime we meet, its always with a whole bunch of other ppl. heh.


so why so special. not to mention tt he's the first new fren i had in sec sch, which.. aint rly tt much, and our bday's are like 6 days apart. heh. which i tot might be why i felt the familiarity with him more, like u noe, the horoscope thingy lol. i feel tt our characters are pretty much similar, jus tt u noe, he's living a better and smoother life than me of cuz, but it feels tt, if things didn go wrong for me then, we wld most probably be going thru similar paths.


yes unfortunately, i dont noe why, it jus happens. one by one, things happened. pulled me from my original path, further frm my original planned path and further frm my other frens as well. tts plenty saddening. back to the present topic, yea our bdays are pretty close, so the memory of the disappointment wldve always be so vivid to the point where i wouldnt wan him to experience the same.
u noe, i rly love presents. and now... im receiving so damn little. arghs.


okay okay. next topic
there are many moments in ur life whereby ure required to make impt decisions, and tt decision wld rly affect ur next few years of life. ive... made so many wrong choices, or was it rly wrong? nobdy knows. nobody knew. and as quoted frm cy, "if u didn try u wont know if it will work. if it worked, u wldve been able to be able to brag abt it all day long. if it didn work, at least u tried, and u know tt it rly wont work" heh. so tts my answer to anybody who wanted to ask me if i haf any regrets. and yes, the final answer is : No.


yea jus cuz too many ppl haf been asking me if ive regreted my past choices, tts plenty...annoying.

Optimistic

Ytd was my bro's wedding n I had to get drunk again. Puking all over and making a mess everywhere. Well. I Duno y but I totally can't grasp my limit at all even after so many times. And it seems tt my limit is going lower and lower. So tts sad.
drinking is smth tt I rly like, but.. If I can't drink, It wld make me feel so bad. But well... Let's see how it goes ba. Most likely no more alcohol for a few days. LOL.

Nonetheless, I met up wif Daniao this afternoon. Had a pretty nice catchup session, well mre like I'm jus doing most of the talking, since.. U noe, I've had a pretty sad life these few years so, I'm jus saying Wadever I wanna say lol. Come to think of it, I don't think i heard much of his life.. Heh oh wells. So apparently he's doing smth tt I wanted to do, Meeting up wif frens who'd not been in contact for a long while, even tho I'm not sure if his intentions are tt pure given his current job. But I shall gif him the benefit of the doubt since today rly did end up as a pure catchup session.


Well.. I guess tts abt it for now. Will update again when I haf the mood haha.

still the same.

Practically rotted the whole day today since it's my bday. And met up with my frens for dinner. It was pretty... Boring as predicted. U noe, even tho there are moments of laughter, of joy. There are also a few awkward silent moments. Can't blame tho, after all we're in this awkward stage of transition between  student life and working life. And most likely, we'll be in different industries tt might lead to  u noe, lacking in common topics.

It's pretty sad tt even as we, frens of 12+ years, start feeling awkward hanging out together. Perhaps it's jus me, perhaps it's the same for everyone. I mean, we've been thru so much shit together, are we gonna start falling apart soon.?
Heh. Well.. It's 2+am and I can't slp. Thus I'm jus updating abt stuffs. To my dear frens... I do cherish each and everyone of u. But... Until the day I'm able to hold my head up high, ok fine jus bring able to hold my head up, I will.. Ok I've said it so many times.. I wanna share my life story wif u. And I hope u will wanna share too. Each. And. Every. Single. One of u.

To all those who didn wish me a happy bday. I do wonder if it's because u didn bother, u didn noe, or u intentionally chose not to.. It's fine. Since I was the heartless one, I'll get back to u ppl. One way or another. Some day.:))


Though I've always been saying the same things these days.. I'm still hopeful for a better tomorrow. No matter how long it will take, I. Will. Be optimistic.
As quoted frm my dad. I shld be glad enuf tt I'm still alive and kicking with no health problems whatnot. All the other things tt ain't in my grasp.. I shldn be too sour abt it, hahaha k fine, he ain't tt wise, he merely said the thing abt "I shld be glad tt I'm still living". I added the rest of it. Teh heh.


I'll find u. When I'm ready.

watashi no o'tanjobi

was trying to read my bday's post frm last year but it seems like i didn post anything last year.
perhaps... i was too sad then?? heh. well, ill try to remember frm my memories then.


okie, last yr... if im not wrong... i planned to disclose the fact tt i retained to my family..so yups t on the 4/9/2013, i was drinkin saporo beer with my fren. heehee, as the last celebration or whatnot.


for the last few years, ive wished for the same thing, "please attain happiness by ur nxt bday and nt be like this 'me' nxt year"
well.. this year... nth much changed, other than the fact tt ive.. finally officially graduate... im still pretty much far away frm my happiness. of cuz my happiness wld include.. hmm mayb having loadsa frens celebrating my bday with me, having a special someone to spend it with... and such.


 well... if ive to rank my bday's it gets worse year by year instead of... u noe... improving. ive got like zero bday well wishes at 12am this year.. tts pretty..sad.. makes me start to wonder wad went wrong u noe, as im someone who rly cherishes events like bdays.


even tho my bday's gon be pretty much of a bore, ill try to keep whatever in stall for me as.. a surprise?? tt is more like an obligation since ill be meeting my frens tml night.. yes they are all working alrdy and im still trapped unemployed ( todays my last day in spinelli but i shall blog abt tt nxt time) so yea, i hope its not gon be tt awkward and stuff.


tch. even with tt "special day" amt of beer, i still feel pretty normal. so tt sucked.
but.. n0netheless, i shall make a few bday wishes.. i..


1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me


welll all in all... happy birthday to me !! ill most likely update tml;?? if theres anything worth mentioning... if nt.. u gotta wait prolly a few weeks more. teh heh

September.

How time flies, it's September again. My Favourite month of the year, wher it's no longer tt hot and stuff. Rly looking forward to leaving the job. It's.. Gon be a load off my chest. The prolonged suffering is finally stopping and this time, I guess I haf no regrets. After all.. I didn even noe why I bothered giving 4mths of my life to them, while I've been trying to improve tt place, things did change, but I'm pretty sure tt the people didn. So it's jus gonna fall back into the same patterns, same routine.. Heh.

Ive tried. I worked hard. I rly did my best. If u guys didn manage to learn anything frm me, it's.. Sad but oh well.

Hmm, The past year has been pretty.... Oh wait, I'll keep tt for my Thursday's post. Hahaha.

So for now Ill jus do a mini countdown on my own, I won't say tt "yays life's gon be hell lots of better", cuz, it may not be. Change can be painful, change can be slow, change is difficult but, if we don't change we can't improve, if we don't fight we can't win, if I lose, I'll jus fight again. If i keep failing... Well I'll jus scold some vulgarities, drink some alcohol and.. Emo for a while.. And den see how it goes.? Lol but the point is u noe, if u don't try u won't know, if ure resistant to change,  ure bound to get stucked in a shithole, a swamp, a pool of quicksand, sooner or later.

Hence! Pls.. Let it be fast, let it be smooth. I think I've alrdy had enuf of sucky parts of life. Tho I do haf myself to blame but, pls.? Lemme be happy soon. I'm rly dying for it.

I'm so eager to leave omfg.