alma's karma.

so... what have I done today? hmmm went to coronation plaza to " attmpt studying" but... well its not very effective. Plus, I didn manage to see any erms ok, didn manage to see any familiar faces which kinda made tt trip a waste?? heh. so while I was outside, I looked at all those ppl hanging out, couples, friends everywhere. while I'm all by myself...what have I done to deserve this kind of solitude? was it because tt I'm not frenly by nature? was it because I actually cut off ppl whos not impt to me a couple of years back? well...I guess ive always did the right thing. so even if its caused by my,...... asssholeness, mmm ok fine ill admit tt its due to my fault. Right, so how can I ever solve it? how can I ever solve this problem?? by when?? LOL. I guess I don't have that many LONNGGG weekends to waste time like this. and argh, what am I gonna do for my bday this year. I don't think I have enuf time to make a difference now lol, less than a month left and by the way things are rolling, I can pretty much predict wads gon happen lol, nothing. gotta have to rot my ass away and emo-ing again. ZZZZ I suppose its just my karma, and its biting me in the ass right now. tho its hard at times like this, ill prevail. yes I will, well, I don't think I've seen anyone actually dying of boredom so its fine yea? anw good to know the truth, like haha don't like being not in the know u see. *heave ho*, lets go cy, time to kick some ass

lets not fall in love.

nth special, just a song, lets not fall in love. so many parts of the song described my thoughts back then.
" Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes But I really mean it when I say I like you If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad"

in a sense this reminds me of the me previously but... well, I'm different now. I suppose. hahaha the barrier that I've set up ard me was so strong tt it actually worked rly well in terms of repelling ppl away from me. which is pretty nice as I think Ive successfully filtered out a lot of those superficial ppl who I wont need to keep in touch with? those who just acts sociable/friendly and all for the sake of acting like it. hah. reducing such contact actually makes reduce the negativity I have for this world in which im living in.

I guess ppl ard me feel tt I've lost interest in woman, since im always indifferent or rather, cold towards them. haha well not to worry tho, im very sure tt my sexual orientation is still.. very normal lol but well, its just tt im rly afraid of getting hurt. like wad was presented previously "if I get attached to you, ill get sad."
ahh..well well.


lets not fall in love.

feeling nothing

still feeling nothing. I suppose that is a good thing. for ive felt rly horrible previously, like rly rly horrible to the point whereby feeling nth right now seems to be some sort of mercy for my miserable life.


been feeling shitty whenever I had to go to work and always had issues where ppl felt tt my job is easy as shit. well.... I don't know, but if I aint the one doing it, I wldve thought so too. and now it is up to me to spring board out from this place whenever its possible. not tt I'm a quitter, but.... well, a man gotta aim high, and especially for a man like me who tend to bow down to emotions at times, I haf to work doubly hard such tt I wont stay in a place where I shldn be staying like before.( KAP)


yes. ive gotta keep improving myself, not jus the me at work, and also the me outside of work such tt I can climb up the ladder and one day be proud to announce my designation out loud.

as usual.

u noe my name, u dont know me.
i want you to know me, i dont want you to know me.
i want you to know my story, i dont want to tell you about me.


haha this contradiction, does anyone else face it? met up with my uni frens this evening, the group in which i've cut off for about a year or 2? hahaa well, as promised(to myself) ive somehow decided to join them in their outing this time around. awkwardly i just appeared, trying my best not to get myself into the spotlight of their q&a session.


well i guess i did quite a good job to appear unfriendly and unapproachable and all but well... tt wasnt wad i intended to do but..... okayyy.. it ended up tt way so ill jus take it.


seeing them again reminded me of the me a couple of months back, where i felt so fked up, where i had no cheek to meet other ppl. when i was such a letdown.


haha not tt im anything awesome now, but i suppose i shld stop hiding from other ppl? i shld have the courage to face other human beings and u noe, live like a normal person too.


today was pretty normal, still hoped that there would be ppl interested in knowing me, to the point whereby i wld be willing to drop the wall ive built. =)
the day will come, where someone would happen to try open the gate tt ive set up, and tt time comes, ill let her in, and she'll see the whole of me.


i promise.

feeling okay.

was feeling kinda okay. like normal. despite having ppl leaving here and there, theres not much emotions going on inside me.


Mayb its due to the fact that I've maintained my distance, mayb its cause of the fact tt im colder than b4. mayb mayb but its good tt i dont feel anything. for im rly sick of hurting.


this weekend's gonna be packed full of programs so, yup something to look forward to? yes weekend, im gonna claw my way over right now.

Sober

Being sober is hard for me
Being sober is the thing I hate most.


trying to escape the cycle of worklife that im stucked in. trying my best to escape from my reality. but well, its a circle, a mean cycle.
so where did i stop last time, ohh about a colleague leaving soon. haha, ive always told my frens that "hey dont wry, im gonna take it slow" cause i thought that time will be on my side. it came as a shock but it shouldn shake me much since i took the safe route. i chose to keep my distance anddd i guess it would have been the right choice. It may b an end, while it may have been a perfect opportunity as well. but nonetheless, i think tt it will all jus come to a naught and ill prolly be broken if i stepped in further.


its all pretty good right now? since it finally seems that i no longer cared for anyone else other than myself. Each time i cared about other ppl always resulted in me getting hurt and all. so... yup. thats good thats good.


im approaching my goal, to be an emotionless dude. im on my way.

i dont love you.

i dont, love you. i dont even... know you that well. so....i cant explain that hurt tt i am feeling right now. why.


perhaps i was jus caught by surprise, i..just thought tt i cld take it slow and all but.... heh
life.


it nv turns out the way we wanted.. i've always thought tt "yea ive still got time and all, ill take it slow. but argh, turns out, no, im outta time."


that kinda.. make me feel sad but.. lets... buck up cy. u promised urself not to haf a heart.

please stop.

please stop dreaming. please stop trying. please stop doing things tt u shldn do.


switching in between characters is soOooo.. one moment ill be doing this, and another im regretting that.


couple of lame stuff weighing my mind down. lots of things tt i shldn be bothered with is trying their best to bother me. ahh.life.




im gonna be fine, im gonna be fine, jus needed to just, dont concern myself with every single thing tt is happening around me.

life is never fair

am currently chilling and wasting my time away in starbucks. theoretically am supposed to study and u noe, make my weekend so god damn productive, until i realised that i forgot to bring along my financial calculator. lol.....=_= well nonetheless, will prolly continue when i get home,

going backwards, came down to study on thur as well, but was mega distracted by all the thingies hanging ard me. haha was just seeing how all these people always hang out in pairs makes me kinda uncomfortable. well i dont know, i kept thinking abt how life has been unfair and how i shld have been able to be with someone i'd love and be all so happy and all. uhhh in a sense i can say i chose this life. but to be honest, i jus didn manage to meet someone who is worth me giving up all my freedom for( and would give up hers for me) LOL,. thats the harsh truth.

perhaps someday i just might get lucky, perhaps someday i might jus give in to desperation, perhaps, i'd jus live and die alone. nobody knows wad future has for us so... i suppose i shld jus keep living like this, and jus... wait? okok
Love is but overrated, to be precise, its simply... nature. You're attracted to someone goodlooking, smart, well-built, strong,perhaps..err wealthy? its natural selection at its best, those with better genes were able to reproduce, (wealth will prolly add to the factor? since wealth can be passed on to the nxt generation lol) its all natural for humans, as a living species to desire evolution. with the better genes passed on, and the lower quality genes to die off, whats left will be a next generation of better species, smarter, stronger, wealthier? human beings.

hahahah all those strange thoughts crowding my mind. well well, tts a good way to let my mind getaway from all those work related stuff anw. :))

heave ho. going back to study.


we came to this world alone, and will most probably leave this world alone too. So why do we work so hard to connect to other people and search so hard for "another half"? i dont have the answers now, perhaps ill be able to answer this mystery and help other people understand too.

false.

i was foolish to believe that i might be able to obtain happiness if i'd tried abit harder. i was a fool to think tt hey, i can try getting to know u better and perhaps.. u noe, lol.


but well well, i guess i shldn even try. the feeling of trying and failing is rly suffocating. I think i've had more that enuf of such experiences. its rly rly horrible. well mistakes made, move on, stop trying to u noe, correct the mistakes. its nv gonna work. it didn work back then and im sure as hell it wont work now either.


take heed to what i am saying CY, love yourself. stop trying to get love from others. this way, i wont be hurt, and well, its better off tt way.

nomu bogo shippo

hey yall, its friday again, and here i am, sippin on them beer chilling my night away. i duno, if this is the "right" thing to do as u noe, after u grow up, the words "right" and "wrong" becomes quite....subjective.


it appears tt nth is definitely "Right" anymore. every "Right" decision always come with some "wrong" factors and vice versa. well...since its part of growing up, i guess ill jus accept it as it is.


i did do smth kinda constructive today. i actually dragged my ass to "study" some of my CFA shit. gosh, thinking back... was tt rly constructive? hahha well, i did.. erms... like 12 qns out of 120 qns.... so i guess.. its kinda. constructive.




hee... its a quarter after 12... okay sry its a quarter after 1 and i.. miss you now but lol. i think i've been through this millions of times. dafuq am i doing, hahha going through the process of "ohhh i think i shld try... fk i mus stop doing dumb fk nonsense like this"


ah. the alcohol shldn be the reason for breaking the status quo. lOl.... well fk me, for breaking the rules and bowing down like a loser.


=O

Daydreamer.

Here I am, daydreaming. Just ytd.? Or the day b4 ytd I was telling myself tt I will be fine alone, and I don't need anyone else. Yea... and den I had this "hmm wld I have a chance.?? Wld we be able to link up.?" jus cause of some random stuff.




anddd snap. nths gonna happen for me. haha anw yea lets go cy... more work awaits for me tomorrow and the struggle to get to friday starts again.


okaeri.

do you know me

You know my name, do you know my story. If you know my story, do you know me?

Jus a bunch of thoughts that's running through my mind this few days, well.. its triggered by a couple of stuff, namely, erms work wise? and prolly also triggered by some random person who jus seemed to appear around my life. So it seems that since I've started working and more ppl would have heard of my name and all but it doesn't feel like ive got more frens. Perhaps its caused my by reluctancy or rather incapability to converse with other ppl regarding things that are outside of work. I can survive w/o talking to other ppl about personal stuff but I guess, if I needed smth more, I needed to give smth more. LOl. duno if I made sense. anw yea, I duno, I jus sucked at communicating with humans I guess.

what to do?? well i'll see how it goes and ok. I suppose ill try to squeeze out a smile or 2 from nxt week? lol ugh, k fine. Ill jus be normal and not do anything more. I wont feel fked up tml. hahaha so I guess its enuf to jus rant it here.

well moving on, im kinda slowly getting crushed by the loneliness. even tho Im the one who said tt ppl wont die even being alone. but argh, its slowly suffocating me, im starting to blame god for being unfair and all but well after all it was me who chose to be alone, but well, you gotta be slightly responsible as well since you didn send someone angelic into my life k. so yea.

nonetheless, ill most likely be ok by tml ( as usual) jus ranting here and there shld do the job. heh oh, saw someone that resembled someone I missed dearly and I jus kept stealing glances even tho I know that its not her. but well, I duno, I cant control my eyes man. anw yea okok. move on right? understood.

so here I am, foolishly waiting for you at a place in which there is a possibility of meeting you. even if the possibility is rly small, at least it is not zero. then comes another problem, so what if we met, wld we even talk? will I get sick of listening to you? will you even bother saying "hi"? wld I have the courage to approach you? what shld we talk abt? lol. then 'why wait' you may ask. I duno. my body simply moved on its own.

loving you.

love comes in many forms. i let you go because i loved you. i dont want to be the one who will hurt you because i loved you.
but i guess, it seems that at the end, the one i loved the most is myself. heh. so i think its most likely worth it. these lonely and seemingly boring fridays spent... will probably be good for me in future. Ive always told my frens and myself that we shldnt be whining about all the " we shld have done this, we shldve done that" as complaining about yesterdays arent gonna help, we shld look forward, with our past experience backing us up, we shld be looking forward to " we will do this, we're gonna do that"


haha. i sincerely do hope that in future, ill look back and think to myself "yea, i've made the right choice then" as... im kinda having regrets here and there but im jus moving on with my teeth clenched.


well.. cy.. remb, dont love, and thus you wont hate. without hatred, you will bcome something greater than "the others"

gotta stop believing.

cause its a weekend. what have i done? hmm friday was jus a lame house beer party with me and me and me at home doing nth much other than watching some lame ass old movie and jus dozing off.


sat morning was spent sleeping, and afternoon was spent walking ard and stoning and all lOL. well, somehow managed to pull myself out and went clubbing at night tho. supposingly an awesome night with chicks and drinks and all but... well nope. nth happened.


so i guess ive changed, or perhaps the crowd has changed or well, i just felt tt its awesome tt im able to meet up with frens whom ive lost contact with and reconnect with them, and everything else didn rly matter.




oh yea, managed to drag my ass outta my hse this morning and visited my adorable nephew and niece and god. adorable kids kinda made my lame ass weekend slightly less meaningless. hahaha.






love don't exist when you live like this

ill stop believing in love. cause love dont exist when you live like this.

Not enuf.

k so what's worse than having an uneventful weekend, a frantic first day of the week with loads of shitty things happening to me.

So today was rly rly horrible. Not to mention tt we've been mad busy, I rly did tried rly hard to complete whatever that I was supposed to do. Nonetheless, "poof", more things tt I'm supposed to do in which I haven't touched. And yup, of course I'm gonna get that look from them, and tt pretty demoralizing.

It's jus like, working rly hard and getting a poor result. Lol. Guess my working hard isn't rly enough, what else shld I do? Well... Yea work harder. And harder and prolly stay till like 10pm right.? Lol. Fk this like srsly.

Yea fine. Let's work harder tml and see how it goes yea? Z

Clean slate.

Don't you have this thought tt u cld jus wake up to a clean slate.? Like, not being bothered by the past issues, the problems u had since ytd.

Argh, but but today is the result of yesterdays, and how your tomorrow will be depends on what u did today.




pretty much slept my long weekend away. that wasnt how i rly planned on spending my hard earned long weekend but well, it jus happens so i guess theres nth much i could do abt it.
"why not spend it jus the way u want to" u may ask, life aint tt simple. the ppl i want to spend it with are no longer in my life, and nope. i dont have any spare tyres left. haha i suppose this is the way my life should be, for treating ppl as spare, for classifying ppl into different categories and being a smug jus because ppl wanted to be with me more that i wanted to be with them.


hahahhaa. i deserved it yea i deserved it. this loneliness suits me, this pain provides me a good life lesson. so yea, if the chance comes knocking again, i guess ill pick it up and get on my feet. =))


life was never fair and all i needed to do is to make it bend to my favour.

i've had a dream

do u believe angels?


haha just a little part of the lyrics of the song im listening to.


well yea i just woke up from a somewhat beautiful? bizzare dream tho. hahaha like i dreamt of being with someone who looked like u but its not u. but uhh. i guess i did dreamt of u.


nuh uh. no issues over here, jus a random little dream that humans have every now and then.


what have i been living for these days? hmm just surviving day in day out and collecting the pay on every 15th of the month, with a seemingly pretty tired body tt only comes to life when sat hits.


i had hoped to study, to exercise, to haf a normal social life, and its kinda not happening for me.  i just wannted to go home and slp and jus wake up to the nxt working day.


hahaha this is so not healthy and definitely not gonna be kept going.


wake up ur idea chaoyi, ure diff from other ppl and ure different from the old u.

Good enough.

i wonder if I did become good enuf.

Having a sorta stable job and scrapping through day by day. I'd told myself tt I will use half of the time tt was given to me to finish learning. I'm only left with one month tho, and I'm not sure if I cld meet the deadline set by myself, nor the deadline they set for me.

Nonetheless, I rly hope tt I will be able to keep this job for a, pretty long time? A year or 2 at least.? And I sincerely pray tt I will be the one to say tt I wanna leave because I haf a new job.

Negative feelings aside. I'll get back to the topic.

I read through my previous posts, posts written by me when I didn had a job. Lol. I was saying abt how I don't haf any courage to approach some of my "old friends" cause I am not doing well enuf to keep in touch with them

What abt now.? Am I good enuf now.? Mayb not. Mayb i shld stay as I am, my bad, staying the way I am is not good enuf as wel. I srsly needa start working harder. And prolly reduce the Amt of alcohol intake so tt I won't needa slp so much in the weekends. Damn.

goood for something.

when u keep doing smth, u eventually bcome good at smth. when u become good at smth, u will haf this air of importance built inside u. a self created sense of mightiness, pride, and everything nice. u start looking down on ppl, mayb belittling some other ppl in other professions.


while i needa keep this in mind. i may bcome good in something in time to come, im not good in everything. i need to always have this humbleness in me. for i dont want to become like one of them.


i need to constantly grow. to keep improving ( tt said, i havent been doing shit)


to become great, i need knowledge. to not become like one of them, i needa claw my way out.



yeah.

work hard.

i duno if its due to fatique or jus tt its normal, or for wadever reason.


kinda troubled due to work related stuff.


ill jus briefly talk abt it ya? i guess i shldve accepted the fact tt im supposed to be scolded for other ppl's mistakes, and not feel unjust. i shld jus keep it to myself wadever emotional issues tt i may encounter. well.. cause the office aint tt big, wadever i say wldve been heard and mis-represented.


so ok ppl might feel offended, unhappy and all other stuff. but well i dont haf any ill intentions, and I think they wld feel tt way cause they don't know me. So I can't blame them, I'm the one who didn't wan them to know me anw. So Mayb, all wld be better if they know me better? Heh.

Ok Tml. I'll work towards tt goal.

here without you.

taking a loong deep breathe.


tho im looking forward to weekends, im thinking tt it ended too quickly lol. perhaps because i havent been doing much things during these 2 days. and i felt tt its simply just wasted.


just like that.


yea yea i know i chose this path of solitude. But I do needa grumble and whine about it every now and then here since I can't do it to other humans. I mean I can but, I'll prolly preferred doing it here, and jus let everyone else think tt I'm jus a happy and funny guy running ard.

Anw, I've been trying to complete this post since Friday. Lol. And I guess I finally garnered enuf inspiration today. Lol. Well yea while trying to complete this post, I've also been trying to think of smth interesting + healthy+ meaningful to do. Smth tt I can say tt it's my hobby. But well, weekends are supposed to be for me to rest, and wadever free time tt I haf left should be for studying. In which I haven't been doing. Gahh.. I shld prolly rly put my heart into this.

I'll jus leave it at here for now. Gonna take a nap on the bus b4 gg to work heh.

annoying.

i forgot to bring my earphones for lunch. Damn.

And I'm surrounded by noisy ppl. Heh. It's actually nice tt there are young ppl in the place, k fk I'm starting to sound old. Okay I meant, it's nice to have noisy? Rowdy? Outspoken? Lol I duno which is the proper term to use but yea. Ppl who makes q abit of noise hanging ard makes the place less dead, but argh. It didn't feel particularly nice when they're right next to u.

Mayb im jus irritable cause of.... But Mayb I shldn have all these negative thoughts. I shld be like happy, and looking forward to Tml, and erms. Bright k? Right.. Tts it for now gotta go back to work and gonna update later.

Automated.

Just like how I automatically walked in that direction towards to mrt station. Like how I react when ppl start dissing me, like how I wanted to keep in contact with u. It's pretty much automated. God knows why I'm doing this. And I don't even know why I'm asking to be hurt. Lol.

A myriad of emotions, a mind in a whirl. Haha. A bunch of regrets.? Guess not. Even tho I'm sure tt there are traces of tt in my mind but I did remind myself constantly tt I made the right choice. Uhh. Guess tt shld be over pretty soon, jus a sudden urge.


it has been a year so it seems, i must be a fool for thinking that u will still be there, i must be a fool to think tt u wld forgive what ive done. i must have been a fool for trying to destroy the status quo. theoretically, i shldn have any remnants of emotions left. i shldve been able to leave everything behind. after all, i...am no longer that boy anymore. he's dead. his memories were implanted into mine and ive accidentally thought tt those memories belonged to me. but nope nope, those arent my experiences.


those ppl i missed, i wanted to be with, i fought to get back with, they dont know me, the real me. so yup. ive gotta go back to my own routine instead of being bugged by things tt dont rly concerned me.


heh.


Tml will be the same as any other day, today I'm gonna lie on my bed and not do anything as per normal. Nth nice will happen to me, and all I gotta pray for is tt nth bad will happen to me!



Yea. Live peacefully cy. Live normally. Stop asking for it, sadness tt is.:)))))






p.s. aint experiencing a split personality or smth, jus trying to make this post sound more interesting lol.

judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.

that dead boy.

phone decided to go out of battery as i start leaving the office as usual. hence it was a ride home w/o music and had the chance to u know, do some reflections.


i was jus thinking to myself, as to why wld i always attract ppl at first, and then they would jus stay away from me later. ok not rly attracting but.. somehow yea lol.


kk so yes, my conclusion is that, there are a couple of layers to my character. i wld say mayb 3? n tt wld prolly be determined by diff ppl tt i am hanging out with. so yes, given that i am in a brand new environment, i wld prolly be like a quiet person who dont q like talking. tts prolly layer 1. some other ppl may, luckily, know me when im in my layer 2 mode. when im in a comfortable place and i have alot of funny comments or actions to make.


my 3rd layer, which i wld love to show to ppl i rly want to get closer with. is a side tt prolly no one likes. heh, someone who has alot of deep, ok mayb not deep but bizzare thoughts and u noe, hatred towards alot of things and a pretty dark side of me. perhaps my intentions was to have someone accepting me as a whole, as someone who's not jus funny and all but, someone who;s had diff sides to him. and that is me.


but well.. nowadays.. im slowly losing sight of tt boy. with diff sides. or rather i simply destroyed tt alter ego as its recognized by myself tt its a repellent to friends and u noe, girls. lol. so yea slowly but surely, i think i stopped showing other ppl tt side.


it cld be due to the fact tt ive stopped having negative thoughts or, jus tt im keep all those to myself. i dont know either. perhaps when the next impt person came along, i wld haf the answer?

friday. sweet o friday.

hhahaha. being a working adult makes me crave for fridays so damn much, cuz i can finally be united with my favourite love(beer). and jus sleep till the sun comes out w/o having to wry abt being late for anything.


tt said, i pretty much wasted time and money to "study" at starbucks ytd since... u noe, their drinks are expensive as shit and nope i didn see any familiar face tt can trigger some memories in my head. lOl. wad was i expecting actually. anw to top it off, i didn bring enuf materials to study. i was literally jus dying to go home and voila, i went home jus like tt. w/o going out with ppl, w/o studying, w/o achieving anything.


as ive jus told myself to stop trying so hard, yea i did stop trying. n i think im... did a pretty okay job. so yea.


today im gonna try to grasp happiness by throwing in a bunch of money again. well, i shldn be looking forward to it tho, i shld jus thnk of having fun with frens and not other stuff, perhaps tt way i wont be disappointed no matter wad.

unsatisfied.

am still not satisfied with myself atm. workwise, lifewise.


of cause im still not able to remb everything taught, and im slowly getting a little less humble.jus slightly, and i am totally not doing an awesome job. i still have lots to work on, so yup. ill keep tt in mind.


life wise....i duno, i meant, im slowly starting to realize tt the things i did, the things i wanted to do previously, was pretty plain dumb. even tho i cld justify it as, oh it was jus because of circumstance, pressure, and all.. uh no. not justifiable. so i rly needa wake up my idea.


i guess i was trying too hard to prove tt im desirable, even tho it seems otherwise. im jus trying too hard to comfort my empty heart tt "hey, u're still wanted by somebdy on this world" haha. wad a joke eh?
nope, no. mayb i mightve been impt to someone before, but the me now, am nth but a weak existance in this world. theres no more power to my name, there is, nth left. all im left with is a human body, sitting down there and being kind of a burden to other ppl. and im an existence in which, even if i simply disappear w/o a trace in the nxt moment, it doesnt rly matter at all.


but. that is not wad i want.


so how? wad else can i do. instead of working harder than i am now and being nicer to ppl and trying harder to forge those 'worthless' bonds with the ppl ard me such tt i can actually become something, jus, something, at least an image in ppl's mind and not jus smth tt doesnt rly matter even if i dont exist.


my only goal is to be better than myself today, and keep growing and keep learning. such tt the current container will no longer be able to hold me, and ill go into a bigger container and keep growing, and changing containers, and growing.
*if u noe wad im trying to imply, if not, think harder. heheheheh tts it for now. needa exercise.

strength.

so it was jus like any other day where i was waiting with the rest of the commuters at a bus stop. trying my best to squeeze into a fully packed bus, trying to maintain my balance and not to fall throughout the whole journey.


lots of negative thoughts were going through my mind, like cursing at the government, swearing at the middle aged lady beside me, those foreigners who were flooding into my homeland and adding to the congestion problem. then a thought came to me, i am here with them because i am not strong enuf to break away from them.


the weak cannot live alone and hence they gather in groups in order to survive. im blaming others for the discomfort tt i haf to live through but in fact, i shldve blamed myself for not being a high flyer, a person with good grades, a person who managed to make wise investment choices that could make me soar above the others ard me.


i am no different from the rest of them. i am but a sheep being herded in this enclosure, jus living through day in and out w/o much thoughts about wad i can do to break out of these chains of social norms tt are slowly constricting me.


yes. i shld keep this in mind and keep getting better, getting stronger and rise, instead of giving myself excuses and slowly blending into the crowd as just "one of them"


jiayou k?

Limited resources. Unlimited wants

if I'm not wrong, it's been...3 weeks.? K effectively abt 2.5 weeks and I've been starting proper work for abt a week. Much has been learnt, much still required learning. Rating for my performance thus far?

Poor.

In a sense I didn manage to remb everything tt was taught, everything tt I've did before, where everything is. I duno. I duno. I duno. Tt sucked pretty much, and I feel like I've pretty much been more of a burden than a help. Anddd, ya. I'm RLY sorry to tt lady who's sitting beside me and I can feel tt someday soon, she might jus disregard my existence in whole and leave me to rot or smth lol.

Got my pay ytd and was rly pretty happy, it's my first paycheck after all, but it also meant tt for abt 2.5 YEARS, I've gotta start paying off my debt and it ain't a rly nice thing to know.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well yea. Jus some random thoughts tt I wanted to pen down somewhere. I know I've repeated these a million times and yes, I'm gonna say it again.

This world is rly cruel, while at the same time beautiful. Perhaps it's because of the cruelty tt lurks at in every corner in this world, u get to b rly thankful for the little beautiful things in life. As I tot tt my world is gonna start becoming beautiful, I realized tt I thought wrong. Wonderful things in life don't jus come into ur way, u gotta fight for it. And when u finally got it, u gotta cherish it. For its so gonna slip through ur fingers the moment u loosen ur grip and wad would be left of it? A life of regrets.


Haha had some cool stuff I wanted to pen down but... Can't find any nice place to slip it in this post. Ah wells, I'll jus put it in the next one. Meanwhile, let's hope tt I can haf fun tonight.. I suppose I rly earned it.

Chaoyi

Slowly but surely, more ppl are gonna be hearing this name, not like im gon get famous and shit, but, my job requires me to interact with ppl and when they needed someone to push the blame to, that name will come in handy.

It's...about 2 full weeks since I've started and prolly the 3rd day tt Ive started proper. I can say I didn do a gd job, and I'm jus forgetting things here and there and it's pretty frustrating to everyone. Friday is coming, and I am rly looking forward to weekends now. Lol but nope nope nope, I mus enjoy working, if not it's so gonna be painful to stay there for a year or 2. And to love my job, I needa do.. 2 things? Be good at it, and love the ppl there.

I'll work hard on these 2 aspects and I'll bear in mind tt "it's a new environment and I have to prove myself, while at the same time being nice to the ppl ard me."

fatigue

mm. yea so i woke up today and thought to myself. why did i feel so fked up ytd, i guess its fatigue kicking in. not being able to slp the night b4 had made me mega pissed, mega tired, and mega sensitive to shits.


work has been... quite fked up to say. as i predicted, there are loads of things which i cant handle on my own. loads of issues in which i screwed up, and loads of things, tt i haf not the slightest idea of wad the heck they are talking abt.


nonetheless, i hope tt i didn fare too poorly for a first timer, and i hope tt i will improve and be better in terms of my articulation and my hearing skills, lol. i srsly tend to zone out SO much. i guess its jus a habit tt got in-built into me.
yup ill work harder. ill needa wake up my freaking idea. lets go.


anw lets talk abt life.


i didn noe if i'd mentioned it ytd, was feeling rly rly down for some reason ( im guessing its fatigue lOL) and was rly hoping tt there is someone who's gonna lend me a shoulder to rest my head on. erms even though it sounds kinda gay but lol, once in a while, i think a guy wld want to rest his head on a girl too? prolly some patting on my back and telling me to "work harder" would help. 
BUT!! yup, tt didn happened , and i jus got through it on my own. which... in some sense pretty sad but i would say, its pretty good to have these moments too. if there is always someone for u to rely on whenever u're down, u bcome dependent. u slowly start to feel tt " ah i cant live w/o tt person" which is totally untrue since, biologically, we aint parasites so yup, we can actually live pretty well on our own.


hahah does it sound like im just trying to make myself feel better? mayb i am, but i do think tt there are some truth in tt as well.
so yup. ill try my best to cheer myself up, and if possible, i wld love to be able to cheer other ppl up as well.
tt shall be my short-term goal? to be a bright person and make other ppl's life better.

myself.

objectively speaking, it shld be because of the fact tt ive been poisoning my brother in my own mind these days, tt led to me being displeased with alot of things and finally led to me being rly pissed with the things he does. Attaching other intentions tt he might have to his actions, perhaps these intentions that i tot he had were jus fabrications produced in my mind and got attached to it unintentionally.


but of cause, how can u be so sure that the person nxt to u, wont be the one to stab u at ur final moments. especially when tt person had said such nasty things behind ur back and even to ur face.


i guess i sincerely needa either, stop trusting other ppl and depend on my strong will to get me through life, or, simply trust them and then take whatever tt may come head on.


which is the right choice? nobody knows.


anw this is a good time for a beer and jus rot the night away tt cld possibly make me happier, since.. the only one who understand me is me, and the one i can trust is me as well.
heh duh, like which man can live as a lone island in this wide world with 6 or 7 billion other ppl? perhaps not. he'll die, no matter how strong he is, mentally or physically.


im having tt heavy feeling, where i felt like talking to somebdy, and realizing tt theres nobdy. but wells, its prolly better tt way, tt way i wont have to show my weakness to other ppl and let ppl use it to exploit my feelings later.




am i twisted or wad.


bla. im gonna be fine. im cy anw. hahahah yea =)

The promised new life.

its been a week.? And I wld say I'm barely fitting in. There's so much shit to rmb, so little time, so little concentration on my side and tt sucked. I'm supposed to do a lot of reading and work hard for this chance to prove myself. But I think I'm slowly doing otherwise. Arhhhh. Buck up buck up. And yea Im always so tired when I reached home. Zzz literally.

New life?
Perhaps it is, and I intended to bid farewell to whatever past which was still hanging in my mind, which... I tried to do. While not expecting smth else to come for me. Lol. Tt was pretty stupid tho, and some impeccable timing, when I needed someone by my side and, I pray tt i wld not repeat the same mistake tt I did 2years ago, that caused me to suffer so much just to correct my mistake last year. Hence I rly needa keep tt in mind and yea, don't fall into tt trap again.


friends? haha so i pushed u aside and hoped to get by this boring period on my own, and i guess i wasnt strong enuf, i needed friends to support me. and thank CY for being such a nice person in general tt a friend wld be nice enuf to haf dinner with me.


sighh.. how fragile friendships are, they could just chuck u aside once they thought tt they no longer haf any use for u. its... so disgusting and at the same time real, and i cant even disagree to tt fact tt im actually the same breed as those ppl and i dont rly haf the right to whine abt them. so... yups. i have to live with it.


while at the same time remembering the fact tt im still tt poor dude whos so full of debt and glad tt someone is actually willing to take him in. i am nothing. and i am not a great person whos flawless, instead, im a man whos full of fked ups, who went through a hell load of hardships, and if im not careful, i wld be banished back to tt hellhole which i somehow managed to crawl out frm.


wld u like to go back there dude? i guess the answer is no right? so yup,


remember all the insults/hardships u've been throught, the ppl who were nice, the ppl who left u on ur own.. yea... rmb them well and keep it in mind. it will be useful in future.


lets work harder cy =)

Trying

So it's like I can barely control my sanity.? Like I decided "ok I'm not gonna do this" and den jus moments later, I started doing it. Lol wake up cy. Stop doing this to urself. Don't lower ur own market value ok ? zzzz


uhn nth much abt work, jus the fact tt im jus chilling my way frm 830 - 6. and when its 6pm. woOoots. rush home. and still ended up in a jam tt made me reach home at 730+. like srsly?? but oh well... didn managed to do any reading up or preparing for work so.... i guess ill jus do it later lOL.


i duno but i hope this string which i tried so hard, which took me so much courage to hook wont jus snap tt easily cause... it rly aint ez lol. soOOooo please stay hooked for a little while longer? let me find sth to look forward to in tt mundane life. at least for now, jus like u did a couple of years ago.


yes please.

missing.

sometimes i kinda miss the old me.
tt arrogant prick, who felt tt no one is even near his level and someone who's rly confident in whatever he does. lol


who am i now, i.. dont noe yet. cuz at the moment, im feeling useless, lol there are so many things which i dont know, and there are so many things tt i felt tt i wont be able to do it even if i tried hard. perhaps its just a matter of perception, or izzit a change of heart. nonetheless, i dont believe tt my current feelings are rly acceptable. i haf to be confident, and minus away tt arrogance yea? loll.


anndddd. i guess its nice to visit ur past occasionally, so tt u cld understand wad made u urself today. but of cuz, dont get drawn too far in? heh.


like a moth flying towards the torch, i knew tt i wld get burnt but i guess i cant help it.

gains and losses.

err. my call wasnt rly for u but. erms. well. i guess i shldve been more straightforward, and be more like a man instead of jus praying tt u can uds my intentions frm my ambiguous calls.


nonetheless, for tt random person who responded, i.. i duno, i dont know how i shld react u noe, since u jus popped out randomly and lets see. perhaps im jus jumpin to a conclusion, i hope tt my conclusion wasnt with u u see.


so i dont know, i do need someone to talk to but i wasnt hoping that it wld be u... anw, lets see how it goes? cause... i dont think i haf the time to funk with ppl's hearts nor the courage to endure being hurt no more. sighh.. im gonna assume tt the nxt relationship ill be getting into, wld be my last since i... Rly do not want to go thru tt kind of period anymore.








anw, these few years, ive made a couple of decisions, ones tt changed my life, changes my life, gonna change my life. and most of it i made it on my own so.... no matter if it goes right or wrong, i cant blame anyone else for it and ill say tt i made the "best" choice given the situation and pressure. it wld seem tt it is wrong but, i guess it wldve been a rationale choice?  nobdy noes if our choices then wld go right or wrong, it all boils down to probabilty. so... Yea, I'll live with it. Frens I'd chose to distant from, hobbies tt I gave up on, I'll probably get them back after my life settled down, and I do hope tt those frens of mine wld still be there lol.

Things I've gained.? My character perhaps. I've pretty much fit my character to suit the ppl I hang out with, and after some years, I think I finally stopped trying to live to fit into other ppl and jus be myself. And well memories, no matter gd or bad, those were the things tt made me me. Uh. Tts it for now, becoming q naggy and I think it's gonna b a problem lol.

Be Back soon

shout.

the shot into the dark, the scream into the abyss.


i sincerely dont know wad my course of actions were for, but.. i guess i just wanted to try. trying harder than i shld, harder than normal ppl wld have to. so yes, the shot is out, and whether u heard it, is up to fate, and up to how much weight i'd held in ur heart.


nonetheless, the results doesnt rly matter, for i am alr used to life w/o u ppl. so..yup, heres a goodbye to the past self and a hello to the me whos gonna embrace the future.




:))))))




.... ahh.... yea, did i jus lowered my guard towards tt person now? fk me, lOL... god...it sure is hard to keep my guard up at all times yea?? but i suppose tts wad i hafta do in order not to get hurt.. sighhhh..

journey's end.

it seems like its cfmed. heh, i think i got it. yays? but... wad is this feeling of emptiness, wad is this tt im feeling. its like within my grasp but i dont own it. lol i dont noe, perhaps its just tt i havent signed the contract yet and thus i cant believe tt idea yet.


nonetheless, its worth looking forward to.


cant rly slp these days, and i wonder y. lost in thoughts? mayb. excited? mayb. but pls let me slp ? lol. anw, i think i might not wanna get back at tt asshole who damaged my pride. why? its petty. its lowering my level to deal with ppl and their cheap taunts. i guess i shld jus let it slip, as i shld haf done so in the beginning instead of even ranting in my blog.


had many wants these days, wanting to thank all the ppl who helped me, who didn give up on me. wanting to meet all those i didn get to meet. feeling all emotional tt yay, this tiring journey is finally ending. but well, its rly nth special. its smth everyone got, so i dont think i needa feel too happy abt it and i didn rly get something rly awesome anw. but im still happy k. well at least, i guess i shld stay as the person i am now. humble, nice, helpful, thoughtful. lOL.


i almost changed to another person jus cause i finally got smth which i shldve got few mths ago, in fact, a year ago. so yea cy, dont be a fking moron pls? its nth to b proud of. its just smth u shldve done like, eons ago so yea.


be humble, be nice, go the extra mile for the ppl who cared for u, and a further mile for those who didn, so tt they will in future. heh. yea. take note k bye.

the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|

keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh

What gOod am I.

Results are out. And I'm fked. As usual. Lol. Made me totally look like a fool in a sense tt, U noe, I lost everything. U, cfa, job, I've got none of em now.what now. I don't know. I've got myself to blame of Cuz. Being half hearted in everything, then yes, fuck me. Fuck this.

And I'm jus gonna go to sleep yea.

round and round.

it seems that ive always been going in circles. rejecting that job offer, going back to tt job, leaving her and den begging to go back to her, i hope none of these kind of things wld continue gg on tho. cause it really sucks to go back to the place wher u left.


so... going for that interview on wed. hope tt it wldn be a bad choice. enduring a year or so, doing smth which ive always wanted to, enduring and get my life forward. i wld love it tt way.


i tot to myself this afternoon. yea, im done with letting go of the past. even when i think abt it, it doesnt hurt no more. so im hoping these continues, and den ill be able to sincerely begin a new chapter with new characters in it, wif a better story plot this time.


tt...wld be all for now.


will update real soon

continuous.

argh. been a few days without any news frm any employers, ok theres 1 tt required me to do a writeup.. lol tts pretty fked up tho, cuz.... u noe.. writing.. hmm anw, yup. still living, still healthy and all.


my fone decided to haf some problems and thankfully tt i can borrow my mum's 'spare' fone. of cuz its not as handy as my own one but... lets hope tt my own phone can come back quickly. in a day or two.


so.... yea tts all for now.? nt much happenings for me update stuff

death and strawberry.(unrequested vacation)

k nth much to do with strawberries but its jus extracted frm bleach lol.


anw, time to update bout the funeral, i guess.


erms received the news on last sunday morning and its been helluva week, went back to my hometown? k more like my mom's hometown to attend the funeral of my grandfather who, is finally able to leave his weakened suffering physical shell and left this world. well, its rly saddening but at the same time, i dont noe, perhaps its mercy tt he's able to end all the suffering as he'd been suffering frm various illness and is barely conscious of his behaviors for a couple of years, requiring the aid of his children to take care of him for every single needs ( feeding, bowel discharging, urinating etc)


i would say, none of any sane human being wld wanna live in tt state, being a burden and all, so i wld say, tt is prolly a relief for my dear grandfather. to, stop relying on other ppl, and move on to another world with a better self.


rest in peace. i hope tt u will haf a good afterlife and if possible, get reborn and live again? cuz life is really beautiful. my dear grandpa.




tt said, i dont think i deserve to shed a tear. cuz ive been absent frm his life for a good 10+ years. lazinesss, and many other reasons made me stop going back to visit my relatives. i always blamed my parents for not being close to their brothers and thus making us not close to my relatives. i guess i also haf a part to play cuz i'd always, always chose not to go back for convenience sake. and, well i pretty much grew up without contact with any of my cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents. its pretty ironic tt, u see ppl frm all over, gathering at the funeral after 10 odd years. like, why is it tt no one bothers gathering b4 anyone leave this world. why would u only choose to come back only after he has died and then grief about his departure.


why is it tt none of u, make sure to get everyone tgt, and let him enjoy the warmth of the big family tt he deserved.


tt said, of cuz, im equally guilty. but i hope tt this will serve as a good reminder to everyone present. tt the warmth of the family, despite the fact tt we didn meet for so many years, didn dissipate one bit.


so yup. im sorry, for being an ass. for being not worthy of shedding a tear. for forgeting all the bonds i had with u ppl. so thank u. with ur death, i hope tt im not the only one who learnt this lesson of togetherness. i will connect with ur family tt u used ur whole life to built and ill be sure to make sure im part of it. and, ill take gd care of ur eldest daughter( tts my mum) heh.








goodbye, sorry. thank u and please take care.

the reunion.?

downing instant laksa noodles atm. perhaps its a hint of the taste of heaven.


recieved the ill news of the fact tt my grandfather passed away this morning, which is...a pretty heavy topic which i will touch on on another day.


just gonna be talking bout the gathering today. so my fren's gf organized a "surprise" bday celebration for him and it jus seemed to be a class gathering for them. lol, since I wasn't in the same class and all. nonetheless, well i came with a heavy heart but i guess it turned out pretty ok, tho i was damn grumpy and all.
well surprisingly xy came, like thru all those coincidences, xh's gf noes her as well and thus invited her. and heck, sadly exactly like 5 years ago, izzit 5, or 6. well the thing is exactly like so many yrs ago, when i did badly for my alvls and didn haf the confidence to face u, i cant even secure a gd job today tt wld gif me enuf confidence to face u again. tt sucked so damn much.lol. like...will i ever haf the courage, will i ever haf the chance to face all those tt got away " hey, im doing well."
perhaps yes, perhaps not. but nonetheless, i rly wanted tt. so, this will be the driving force for me to push forward.

and tear all those in my way.

glad tt i went too, a good wake up call for this guy stucked in a loserish shell.

the dark night.

on the darkest nights, in the loneliest days, and till i found someone new, ill think of u. tts my promise. to myself.


teh heh.


okay. so heres whats up, a week since the parties ended and nope, still no news at all and i practically rotted myself at home. lol due to the lack of cash and all. spent it all in a day, thus the confinement. Zzzz. and i hope tt i wont spend it all again this sunday jus cuz i had to hang out with my fren to "celebrate" his bday which i didn felt like gg but i thought, i shld rly get out and interact with ppl no matter what.


well of cuz its because the organizer is actually his gf, so its gonna be a pretty "fake" outing, lol i duno what word wouldve been appropriate tho but lets just keep to fake for now. cuz u noe, when u haf unfamiliar ppl in the grp, one tends to behave differently(no matter how slightly tt wldve been) and yea. tts wads gonna happen. and of cuz not to mention tt this bunch of ppl ignoredddddddddd my query on whether they wanna hang out for NYE.


i am the kind who wld really rmb these kinda stuff, and yea i am offended even tho i knew they had other plans on, all i wanted was just a fking reply " like hey sry man" and shit but well, the power of silence. nonetheless, its not enuf to make me hate them lol. after all we've been thru sOoo much tgt. im jus slightly piqued okay.


well well one week passed meaninglessly, but look forward to the next? cuz u nv know wad wld be in store for u tml.


yay;)

The 2015

all them parties haf ended, ( and i shall not create more). ive reached the limit, i needed a job like now. lol anw, the job search is pretty vexing these days as i rly didn see any jobs of interest.


nonetheless, i mus keeep searching and nv give up.


aww. nth much to say for now loL! k

last christmas.

hey y'all merry xmas :))


as far as i rmb, ( ive actually read my blog entry frm last xmas.) i actually did meet up with my frens for a gathering. and i think i was the one who organized it loL. anw this year was.... lol im jus sipping beer and munching on them junk food.


so yea,i got wad i wanted, wad i deserved =) year after year, i always hoped tt the nxt wld be better than this year. but this christmas, lemme wish for smth different.




i hope tt nxt christmas wldve been the best one of all. =)


i haf 1 year to work for it anddddd i will make it better than all the previous ones.




new year update will come in few days time

here there.

im back since.... friday? always wanted to haf an update but just cant think of enuf materials to put into one entry. nonetheless im jus gonna try saying something.


hmm christmas and new year is just abt the corner, the past few years has been pretty...... boring? heh since its almost an annual affair tt we wld gather tgt and haf chill out tgt. but this year, i didn wanted to organize it again haha. so im wondering if anything will happen. OK let me rephrase it. i dont think anyones gonna organize anything so, yea this year's gonna be different lol. this year's gonn be lonely and all. well.... a new change? heh. its prolly wad i wanted to happen or at least, its wad i made it happen. lol duno if my sentence sounds correct, heck.


haha the job hunts getting slow, one thing being the job ads aint too attractive, and also after a 2 weeks hiatus, it seems tt my brain's getting alittle bit thrown off course.
to elaborate, ive always wanted to get into this stockbroking, equities sector etc. and to begin with, i dont even haf the exact answer as to why i wanted to. nonetheless, i decided to set my mind to it and be darn sure tt i go the correct way. so, after so many mths of search, perhaps the fatique, perhaps its jus a lost of momentum, i started wondering why am i so adamant in the first place. as in, why did i want to do it so much, and shld i jus gear away frm it and at least get a damn job first?


of  cuz i noe im overstaying my welcome(at home rotting lol) but.... its not like i dont want to work but i... sadly... dont rly noe what i want? and i cant get a job tt wants me. lol


so.... of cuz ill keep going ill keep finding based on my initial decision. so..ok. ill see how it goes? and hopefully my xmas and new year wont be too boring heh

The new life ahead.

So I just found out Smth not so nice. But then again, it's supposed to be over. Longgg longg over. But it jus feels pretty awful. I've always had the slight mentality that Someday somewher I'll get u back. While another part of me knew that it's not gonna happen again. I still do carry tt hope tt, miracle might happen.

So now, I'm pleading this cy. After the end of the ict. I'll. Treat it as a new life. A new beginning. All that has happened ain't gonna matter anymore. Looking forward is key.

Alright let's jus get thru these and live a brand new life ahead.

Cheers.

perserverance

having a short break.while my mind is currently full of finishing this shit, i knew tt shits gonna get tougher; in real life tt is.


when i get outta there, i haf to get a job asap. as i can see my debt snowballing larger and larger. its a good experience, i had to say, tt puts me in a rly uncomfortable position and makes me wanna go back to my normal life so damn much.


kinda haunted by memories these days when i had nth to do and memories will jus come by knocking. live with no regrets Cy. u did wad u thought was right, and who can say tt ur choice aint right? heh. life is always like this. so push on and u will see the light at the end of the tunnel.


so. ok i haf to go back soon. argh.

Inside.

pretty much stoned the whole of today away Cuz of the lack of activities, or perhaps there are activities but I jus Didn go for it. Nonetheless, prolly its a good make of for my lack of slp these days. Since I'm RLY dreading to come back here.

I do wonder why am I always stucked in shitholes, like perhaps a shitty person like me jus deserved to be stuck in one lol. It's, hard to make new frens when they alr had a clique on their own. But well of Cuz I tried my best to stick wif em, hah. It's a little hard for me to get along wif em. Perhaps Its jus the beginning awkward "I noe u but I don't fking noe anything else other than ur name, and we haf to act close" kinda thingy. Lol. Well, it's.. Okay I hope. I'll jus stick to them like gum. Cuz I rly hate being alone. Like. Now LoL.

Many reflections were done these days, like is it worth the sacrifice, did I make the wrong choices again. I wld say, my goals were realistic and definitely doable. It's just me forgetting the fact tt, I had a pretty weak heart. Which I tot was strong. I Felt relieved initially and RLY motivated but, towards the middle part, I start losing sight of my goal, I start needing somebody. I guess that's wher I went wrong. So now, I'm suffering the consequences. I guess it's a lesson I wanted to teach myself. Cherish, humility, open.

Cherish what I haf, be humble and not think too much of myself, be open to ideas and words from other ppl. I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I do miss u. Rly rly. But I shldn do anything abt it, Cuz I suck.

Side note, I'm mega bored of doing nth inside here.-__- pls let today end quickly THX

new start.

finished the cfa ytd which rly...is freaking difficult but, well ive alr made plans for the worst so. i suppose im jus glad tt its over. for now.


feeling pretty horrible these days fretting abt reservist and stuff, of cuz, firstly, its gonna be 2 weeks of doing shit and staying outside. and yea, having to live with ppl im not close with kinda sucked. plus, my low self esteem these days lol....makes it hard to know new ppl. but well.. lets hope tt i can jus endure and live, even if it is in a horrible manner, and jus.. live through it? tho theres no longer anything waiting for me out here but. i.. still love the outside world so much.


the rainy days, the solitude. ill deal with it.


hail to the new start, and lets hope tt my nxt spring will be awesome, when i come out of tt jungle hole.

reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.

tomorrow.

its alrdy nearing the end of november.


perhaps its due to the fact tt exams are coming in, and the fact tt ive been pretty much coped up at home, it feels tt time really simply jus flew past. day by day, ill jus be waiting for tml to come like " ah tml im gonna do this. i will catch up on the studying tml." and then pop, ive only got 1 week left. -.-


ah. brain's pretty much not in the mood to blog lol. but i tot i shld write smth down to remind myself what i did and how i felt these days. might update again soon but now, lol. tts it yay


k im back to add in more stuff. lol. u know, the longer this job hunt drags on, the more im beginning to lose sight of what I am looking for. so many times, ive decided on the things tt I gotta do and den, I realised tt no, I cant do it tt way. and im supposed to go the other way around. and then I'll go and hide in a corner and den cursing to the wall. so what shld I do now. this way or the other, I don't know. lol. perhaps.. I shld go this way, the way tt ppl cursed at, or no, I shld go the way where ppl will jus feel indifferent about?


ok. i jus finished a practice paper. and i freaking scored 53/120. fking fail. and wif reference. am i stupid or wtf. lol. god. its tt feeling again. tt feeling of working hard, trying hard and failing. nonetheless im jus blogging now instead of revising tt shit. but argh fk. this shit sucked. so much. shld prolly go back to em later on


fking shit.








and i jus feel tt u're pretty disgusting.

the flower of hope.

apparently I haven't found it yet. lOL. but life's gonna go on. hahha. life isnt what i rly hoped tt it wld turn out as but, as long as i still live, im still good to go.


the job hunt is rly.. lol... ambiguous, whereby the end seemed so near and the nxt moment, "pop" i went back to the starting point. not gonna complain still.. cuz... my parents haf not given up on me, as i have yet to give up.


much studying and understanding is still needed for CFA. but..i jus cant seem to find the motivation to. even as ive alrdy removed every, single, distraction there might be. perhaps tt loneliness, tt solitude is whats bringing me down.


ive been using running man as a escape. ( heh thx man) but.. escaping arent gonna solve the problem. as i noticed in u too, u tend to escape when u face a problem, and ive tried to correct tt. but aw, that irony. i realized tt ive been doing the same thing. i shldve been rly focused on studying now. but.. every other thing seemed to haf attracted my attn.




i guess god heard my voice, saying how i am accepting ur absence and all. then i saw an update on ur life and i thought i needed some  beer again. tt intentional prank played on me. lol


but, well. i... haf to live a better life. i cant live in sorrow forever and i wont be able to do anything if im jus another pathetic worm crawling ard. ill.. try to still live wif  pride. i must.

Frustration.

went back to school to print some past year papers and, with the drizzle going on, i decided to go for a little walk down the memory lane. places which ive been to so often, places where we've went thru tgt. the memory is still fresh in my mind but, wanting it to happen again is no longer possible. mayb i shld be glad tt u're not wif me now anw, cuz, this harsh period tt im gg thru, its better not for anyone to see. lol tt wldve been so embarrassing.


tt aside, its pretty frustrating to go for interviews, and not getting the offer. lol. i wonder how many times have tt been now, and yes its pretty much my fault for not preparing enuf and not putting in the effort to understand the job. it feels so bad tt im practically rotting my life away, whereby i cldve been doing so much more.


and ppl wld be like "hows ur job hunt so far" fuck u. isnt the fact tt im unemployed self-explanatory to tt qn? and argh pls. jus gimme tt job lol. it rly sucked so much to be a liability, it rly sucked tt im so willing to work harder than anyone else and do so much better than any average other, but i dont haf the capability to prove it. my god. no


pick me up. please.

yet another.

am blogging frm starbucks lOL. perhaps due to geographical reasons, im seeing many familiar faces. lol. I wonder if I wld look familiar to them too cuz... I think I wld appear pretty different than before lOL. but no one's came over to talk to me so I guess tts cool. well I wasn't particularly nice to other ppl after all so... most likely nbdy wld wanna come over even if they do recognise me lol!

browsed thru my past few blog entries and I realised tt the contents haf pretty much been the same, and I sinderely apologize for tt. for being so repetitive, for being so lame.
for a change, im jus gonna talk abt erm, things tt are more.... not so emo?

went for another job interview and heck, im pretty sure I want this job. but.. thing is I was only informed abt the interview ytd afternoon and well I looked thru the job description tt didn look too interesting. but, as the interviewer went into details abt the job, gosh. I want it man. fk me for being not prepared.=_=

but well its ok. its just another item to add into my LONNNNNGGGGGGG anaconda-ishly LONNGGGGGGG LIST OF failures. jus one additional item wont make it look tt different lOL.

results, aren't known yet but I do hope for the best.

in dire need to study but damn, had to go to my bro's hse fr a couple of drinks
yea alcohol. lOl.=_=. well I asked him if I cld go for a drink on one occasion (when I was feeling rly down) and I ended up not gg lol. and, he's been asking me fr a couple of times alr and... I don't think its nice to reject him any further, jus as I was in urgent need of studying time, gosh I feel so unprepared.

hai... bonding is impt too, so... I guess... lets do it =0, and work smth out. okay.

it finally started sinking in, the fact tt u;re no longer within my reach. im, most likely cool wif tt. jus, don't invoke my memories and ill be fine.

ive got impt things to do after all

the season's change.(memories in the rain)

It's starting to rain pretty frequently these days, a sign tt December is coming, the year is ending. This year seemed to haf past by pretty quickly, perhaps it feels the same every but well. Okay. 

Being jobless for so long felt so bad, u noe, being a liability and all. Not being able to go out wif ppl Cuz of financial constraints, staying home for the whole day for God knows what reason. I hope it ends soon, while at the same time Im q afraid abt the uncertainty ahead. 

 

Well I've always had a thing for the rain, memories.? Mayb. But whenever there is a storm outside, I wld stare into it and jus start thinking abt the past, not RLY abt u noe, events tt happened in the rain previously but, jus whatever tt affects me the most.?

The rain is a trigger to the painful/most significant memories in my mind. Lol I wonder if I made it sound understandable but okay. 

I've tot of hw my life wld be if I didn make tt "wrong" decision then. It seems tt, Mayb, just Mayb, even if I had stucked myself to U, I wld most prolly not be very happy nonetheless. Well humans aren't animals tt can be satisfied easily. I wld probably had a lot of fun wif u and neglected the cfa, I cld still be working in spinelli, if not I wldve jus randomly accepted any job tt came. instead of wad I'm doing now (which is erms, supposingly searching for the correct job tt I wanted)

And then I'll still feel fked up tt I'm stucked wif someone like u. And then The same thing will happen again lol. Well. We were meant to break after all. I wld only cherish u if I didn had u, and u aren't the kind who will slowly stand there and wait for me to come back. Perhaps tts a inevitable fate. So, I had to accept this. 

Nonetheless abt another person, lol we haf on one side someone who wanted to care abt u, and u're jus going ard and getting ur heart break. Ain't it weird? Human tt is. Like, u're most likely attracted to things tt are not attracted to u lol.and thus we have  so many unhappy human running ard. 

Well well tt irony, tt rain, tt season of festive is coming again. And to me, it's jus an awful scorn.

Me and my beer against the world.

Ya. I uds tt its supposed to be "my beer and I " and a more appropriate title for today shldve been
"My beer and I against the storm" but let's jus leave it tt way, heh.
Wanted to study at Mac after trying out the ebi burger but apparently it's mega flooded wif ppl even at like 9+. I wonder wads wrong wif em, like why are there so many ppl having Mac at 9+ wher it's too early to be supper timing and too late to be dinner timing. But oh wells I'm there Cuz I wanted to study, so ive got a real valid reason to purposely avoid the supposingly busy dinner timing. But alas, it's still mega packed wif ppl walking ard wif their trays of food.
And that's another issue. If u noe tt it's rly crowded, why wld u buy ur food first and den search for a seat, u're jus gonna look ridiculous walking ard wif a tray, in a crowded fast food restaurant. Nope, I noe wad these ppl are thinking, no matter what, nope. Don't expect tt jus becoz u haf a tray of food, u will get a seat.

Ugh so abt me, cuz of tt crowd, I Didn haf the cheek to take out my stuff to study even tho I RLY wanna to. Kindhearted CY left his seat straight after eating tt ebi burger and proceeded to buy 2 cans of beer. LOl

As I've mentioned, or Uve seen, today is RLY RLY rainy. Did I use the right description? Well heck it anw. So wif a small umbrella, 2 beer, I went on an adventure to walk thru the heavy rain. It's pretty scary tho, lol wif the Lightning and stuff. Not tt Im afraid of the loud noises frm thunders but I'm more afraid tt i wld get hit by lightning and end my wonder life so randomly, lol

Anw, the experience of walking thru the rain and the fear tt came wif it made me feel... Alive. Since I've been pretty much coped up doing my own stuff and haven't rly felt much emotions these days, so yea I felt alive. It feels nice to be drinking beer, in the middle of a heavy thunder storm, wif my soaking wet shoes and socks and shorts. It's rly smth I haven't experienced it for a longggg while. Lol. Perhaps I'm crazy, perhaps everyone else is like this too. Like putting myself in an uncomfortable position intentionally jus to feel the thrill. If u get wad I meant lol. So yea a nice long walk while relating this situation to my current life situation. Like even if there's a storm pelting down on u, it's not tt bad if u haf an umbrella, well it's awesome if u had a beer but tts optional lol. The storm will be over sooner or later, and when it happens, what is left wld be a better tml, and a stronger u. Bleh duno if it's making sense, I'll prolly review and edit it Tml. Tts it for now I guess.


Today's pretty normal, nth bad happened so I guess I can call it a good day.?

lol

out of boredom, i extracted a part of my history to remind myself of my thoughts then. here goes:


"I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to."




annnnnddd yUP! i became the one who broke the promise lOL! after...5 mths? heh. yup. i semi expected tt. but well at least i lasted for 5 mths so lol. Tho i still think of u every once in a while, i guess i can be cool bout everything tt happend. since i haf to believe tt i was rationale when i made the decision then. things changed, life moved on, and i turned out pretty differently frm wad i had expected. i tried crawling back cuz i was lonely, i guess tt was so dumb right ridiculous.


i knew how the game goes, the 1 who gave in more loses out, but i just....wanted to try, wanted to fight b4 giving up.


nonetheless, even tho right now, im in a pretty ridiculous state, i shall trust in that cy who still had a rationale brain. that cy who wasnt tormented by loneliness, that cy, who didn felt like a uselesss asshole.


heh. still.. i dont give up. i will keep working hard, and even tho things dont work out my way, i wont stop until it does. =)
even tho ive been repeating this for many times, i guess this helps to show tt i wont give up no matter how the odds seemed to be againtst me.










here goes nothing.

here comes the rain 2

lol. if ure wondering bout the "2", cuz this title came to my mind today and i was thinking if ive used it before, so i checked it out and yup! i used it on a post tt was on 5th Jan 2014. basically jus abt u noe, wanting to spend more time with my family and wanting to forget the past memories tt was triggered by the rain stuff?


not tt bad, but today the rain has another meaning to me. it reminds me tt i cldve been out there in the cold, cldve been not able to walk ard, oh yea, i went down for a walk after seeing the downpour. heh, just attracted to rain in general, and yup it wldve been perfect if it was at night, with a cold beer in hand LOL. try it sometimes, its pretty awesome.


so the cold wind reminds me tt i cldve been out there, i cldve been in a very uncomfortable state and not happily walking ard to buy food. in fact heck, the way im spending money, i shldve went bankrupted months ago. so i shld be contented with wad i haf and, strive to achieve more, instead of whining abt wad i cldnt haf. yes its true tt life hasnt been very fair to me, but well i havent been fair to other ppl ard me anw so ill call it quits.


the me now is rly smth not worth mentioning, i hate it when i bcome a liability instead of an asset. to top it off, my brain's constantly getting distracted and i cant help it. a good way to solve this is to get outta the house and study but, apparently i wld need money for tt, and tt is smth i dont rly haf LOL


so what now? nth. continue my life. day by day, and hope for the better, i cannot give up. there are too many ppl i had to impress. well even if i dont, at least i wanna live normally, like any other average ppl out there. okay. yea

Oh, hi November.

so it's alrdy November since ytd. Lol. So September was pretty bad, October was spent drowning myself in self pity and stuff, but heck, I Didn think I've been rly happy for a long long time. It's almost like I'm always trapped in the endless loop of unhappiness. but yea, even if im not happy, i can still live, and as long as i live, i will be happy someday.


tracing back, ive pretty much wasted the WHOLE of my october drinking and wasting time away, and being emotional for wadever shit. perhaps tts the autumn's sorrow? haha like a person will always want to have a companion in this season. heh. but wells. ive alrdy did all tt was within my capabilities, ive alrdy greived more than i shld. and i hafta put my focus on the right stuff now. tt one month wasted, i.. hope it wont affect me too much. after all, in tt month, i did a hell lot of reflection too.


time to get my priorities right. time to get back into the game. and well, life sucked but the fight aint over yet. its only challenging when all the odds are against me. =) heh. if its any easier, it wldve been all too easy.

hi hello.

jus came home from a little bit of drinking with slightly less expenditure on drinks. it was pretty nice to haf frens to hang out with, even tho its not alot of them, and family who wld come and haf dinner tgt for catching up sessions. it seems nth much but perhaps i shld be glad abt it since its really not a given.
its pretty common to haf frens who's saying "oh sorry i cant make it today, oh sorry ive got smth on tonight" etc. it sure is frustrating but... we haf to accept them as they are? cuz.. if they didn wanna hang out with u, it means tt u're just less worthy than anything else tt they were spending their time on. heh. true? yup, solution to that? make sure tt u are worth their time. prolly by making urself more useful to them, or... somehow make ur self look beneficial to them in due course haha.
perhaps its making friendship sound so disgustingly superficial but... tts nature, even tho u've been frens for like 10+ years, if ure deemed as not entertaining enuf, not useful in future, u will still get disqualified to haf their time. haha nope, it works for all frenships, if u totally disagree now, wait for a few years later, and u will uds what i meant.


nonetheless, i still had a few frens left spending time wasting time tgt, which is pretty... ok? given tt my status now looks so fked up. of cuz i uds tt someday they might get rid of me too if i continue to rot like im doing now, heh, i will make sure im worthy b4 tt happens, or, i will make sure it will happen someday and they will get back to me. im cool with tt, after all...i guess im the same too.


okay nxt topic, u've been coming out frm my mouth and in my mind so much more these days, perhaps its due to the fact tt im going through the phase of regret. it is..ok. part and parcel of life but... yea i regretted not keeping u. and i shldnt haf thought so much abt what other ppl will think of us. but well.... since it alrdy happened.... someone else will be able to get me, the me who wld really devote myself to the person who rly cared for me and will not do anything half heartedly. its rly a pity tt it wont be u tho, cuz... u're the one who changed me. nonethelesss, if u will attain a greater happiness, as ive alr said so many times, go ahead girl. i... shld be fine without u.


the only easy day is yesterday, every tomorrow is gonna be challenging but, i'll live. i'll live. i dont give up. i will work harder, day. by. day.