Moving on

its been um a week? since i last contacted u.yea and u didn bothered keeping in contact wif me as well. im realli surprised tho. how did u managed to live on so well, how did u manage to make me fall so deep for u w/o u feeling anything for me. haha. life sux right?

1 argument could be, ure also waiting for me to take the initiative while the other is tt u jus felt tt "phew wad a relieve, this piece of shit is finally away frm me"
well well its better to be the pessimist now. ill jus um, take the defensive move now alright, to prevent myself from being hurt further.

prolly 1 thing worth mentioning, hmm i duno when it is, one of the days last week i suppose, i was, as usual, drinking the shit out of the beer and stuff, i randomly whatsapp lai**. =) ya a nice girl who realli, kinda saved me. was drowning myself in the sea of anchor and realli drinking the shit outta myself,and somehow, she stopped me. den i realized. the reason i fell for her was bcoz when she talks, she sounds like lai**, who realli managed to make me smile, no matter how screwed up i felt.

hmm sadly lai** didn reply me the nxt day and u didn as well. but, i realli wanna thank u. lai**. u reali saved me tt night. thank you so much. annnnnd ! im gonna go back to my drunk state! byebye! hah

the sequel

uhh. nth special but jus an update about my life. i strongly believed that i shldve updated some weeks or days back but apparently it seems to b abt a month ago.

okay! umm basically i went back to some place to work. uh kinda dumb but tt place was my previous workplace and since they're permanently short handed, i jus went back in. w/o much of a hassle. reason as to why i went back.=.=personally, i realli dont like working there. hwever, i felt tt rather than wasting time at home slacking while i wait for employers to call me, i wld rather start working part time somewhere and earn some $. nt forgetting tt i realli hope tt 1 day, u will drink the coffee tt i made and tell me tt u liked it.=/ DUMB RIGHT? but oh wells. perhaps tts my personality, u cant change it. the naivety.

i saw smth interesting somewher "the hardest choice is to choose between giving up or trying harder". (if im not wrong) yea. applies here. however, "Failing after trying ur best hurts so much more than simply giving up." cuz it totally denies urself, u cant do it even if u gave ur best. rather than having the mentality tt "i cldve done it if i tried harder but i chose to gave up cuz its too much of a hassle". yes, tts escaping from the reality, not facing the challenge but, if there is a very high chance tt u are gonna be hurt more if u try harder, why not jus, u noe.
ya pardon me if u do not understand any single part i wrote above. try reading it a few more times and u might jus understand wad im tryin to imply.=)

yup. now im still at the decision phase but my body aint realli listening to my mind. it is still trying so hard to do all those nonsense that might jus yield absolutely NO RETURNS. well well, lets see how it turns out den, mind vs body. will update again soon!

p.s. each time after meeting u, i feel little further from u, but i feel more attracted to u by the second.=/

(if u noe wad i mean)

i have returned.

so i had my last paper today. things didn go smoothly but i did wad i could and.. we'll leave the rest to fate. but wad ive been dying to say aint anything tt gotta do wif exams( at least not directly)

Have u ever thought of how things would haf been if some1 didn jus appear into ur life suddenly? i did. she jus suddenly came into my life. at first, i wasnt realli interested but , unknowingly, something attracted me more and more AND MUCH MUCH MORE. It is something on the inside. the character, the personality, the real thing tt made me lose all my resolve, my pride, my sanity perhaps.

Jus a lil gesture frm you tt may seem like nth, but it really shook the deepest part of my dead heart. i nv believed tt it wld be able to accept any1 else yet, u went in, and took a very impt place in this heart which managed to be resusitated.
the time spent wif you was realli like a dream. a really sweet 1. if im not wrong, i dont think any1 haf ventured so deep into me. ure adventurous, uve realli explored an uncharted horizon. i totally fell, for u. TOTALLY, so much so tt i didn mind putting down my pride jus to please u, to prevent u frm ignorin me. many things which used to b so impt to mi, totally dont anymore.
im sure tt things will really b different if u didn appear. i would haf stepped into WCC. i wldn ever get a SB card. i wld nv b so eager to go back and make coffee(wif hope tt u will drink it) i would haf been able to do much much much better( if my assumptions were correct) in my exams. tho i haf got so many complains, but still, i felt tt it shld be worth it.

HOWEVER, things always dont haf good endings, at least not for mi, my stories always ends as a joke, a comedy, a failure. tho im not sure abt many things, but i do trust my senses this time(tho i srsly pray tt im wrong) i feel tt, there is some1 else in ur heart.
this realli feels heartwrenching. which is also smth tt realli bothered mi for SO FREAKING LONG. who is tt guy. wad a lucky asshole disgusting piece of shit. ZZzz.

arghhh today marks the end of the dream tho, the one whereby i haf all the legitimate reasons to meet u. nw i dont haf it anymore and i think u wont take the initiative, much as i dont haf to courage to face it. WELL! I HOPe tt we will realli haf a chance to get much closer and i realli wanna be urs. ok sry, i wan u to be MINE. BUT..=.= oh wells we shall see then

Ivy Landy Yvonne.

good evening

good evening ppl. im a week away from my nxt 2 consecutive papers but im troubled by... yea =) troubled cuz of all the uncertainties abt u. troubled abt my exams, troubled and w/o my frens with me.

i cant bring myself to face the fact, i cant bring myself to say it out to my frens as well, since it makes me looks weak. i always tot tt i shld be strong enuf now. but perhaps, ppl jus dont change whenever it comes to this. i felt as tho im back into tt loop. tho i shld be used to the loniness by now, however tt glimmer of hope which is shone on me due to ur kindness made my heart started moving again. *im a little exaggerating here but ohh wells. not realli for ppl who noes me to see this so haha-

argh damn. i lost my feelings cuz of some distractions. ohh well ill jus end ard here. conclusion, im realli uncertain abt our future, i duno how u feel abt mi, but i suppose if i successfully transmitted my feelings into ur heart ( i would say brain wld be technically more correct but haha oh wells=) ) i would haf no regrets, and if u were not able to reciprocrate my feelings for u, its ok, i will jus live wif that pain on my own. i shld be fine... i.. shld be able to.. take it. :')

Reason

Brief update on life so far. Haha. For some reason, I feel breathless, powerless and tired. No worries tho, jus tryin to get a breather thru this way. Somehw it feels kinda difficult to breath. Jus feel like lying down and not doing anything, too tired to try, to fight, to endure.

Lalala! Not really serious!! Haha was at work. And am bored to tears and thus thinking of things to do. Zzz hmm am kinda lagging behind academically and ya i kept escaping away from reality wif all sorts of excuses. Damned. Wonder how I will do this year but. I'm so gonna pick myself up! Soon.

nth impt

nth realli impt. jus a random idea struck mi and i thought its quite meaningful(to mi at least) , so i guess i shld write down smwher.

mayb in a parallel universe, i was braver had already acquired happiness. mayb things were different over there and the 2 of us are happily together. Not jus u living in happiness but not mi.

haha. cant realli recall the exact idea when i started typing it down and apparantly its nt good at all. oh well, will try to recall or think of a better 1 in due time. tata

Slack on

Hihi. Well, life's nt great. Hmmm, nth much has changed for the better but, less the facttt Habiibul too slack with my studies, all is well.

Having this strange insomnia since whoever noes when, nth to do and laid down on my bed trying hard to slp but cldnt. Screw this seriously. Hahahaa damn it, had some wonderful wise quotes in my mind earlier but I kinda forgotten all abt them alrdy... Lemme recall.. Ahh!!

Ok not having wise quotes actually, jus remb smth to bitch abt... Hmmm yea, been wondering abt smth vexing, m I too full of myself or m I having the correct thoughts. Y is it tt I'm always always working for ppl whom I deemed as a less capable human? Or rather, y m I always taking instructions from ppl who are less capable than me, y is my world always like this?!

Thinking back... Since army times, I take instructions from Olvl grad, unrecognized diploma holder, a strange m**, and blabla. All of which I deemed as inferior to mi. I grind my teeth in vexation. Cursing and swearing into my pillows in frustration. I was always unhappy wif things, always wanting to prove myself to b superior. But, I didn think tt I succeeded at all.... I left wif unhappiness but oh well.

Moving forward, I worked under a bunch of unsophisticated aunties afterwards, who cared nth much more than gossiping , backstabing every1 and enduring till 530pm everyday. I didn feel anything then but I certainly wasn't feeling VERy happy.

Nxt I worked undera few **enahs. Whom I totally didn give a damn abt, nxt, I worked under a *****pino stucked in a storeroom. Then, a group of strange, uneducated uncles who thought tt they are the heartbeat of a great organization( nt forgetting to add on, having ultimately poor sense of judgement and organization but excellent in covering backsides, not)

Lastly, I'm working under some strange dude hu can't speak eng fluently, talks to himself almost for the whole day, gets flustered easily and to top it off, loves criticizing other ppl and perpetually failing to look at his own capabilities. Also, a ********pino who is easily daunted, can't speak properly, loves pushing the blame to others.

Phew quite a long list over there. Looking thru, there are only 3 possibilities,

(1) I'm severely overestimating myself, they Are more than qualified to order me ard

(2) this is the only kind of job tt will employ this kind of lousy job applicant(me)

(3) I've been really unlucky to be unable to find a good job with good superiors who deserve my respect

Well well, I'm sure I will be able to answer tt in due time. Till then, I will cling on to life.!!!

C

Ahh much whining donee. Gonna try gg back to slp bb!!

up to the date.

ahh. been a short while and am updating cuz i cant slp.

hmm where was i? ok my contract wif the resort worlds sentosa ended w/o much of a high note and i definitely didn leave wif a smile. but nonetheless, looking back, jus a job =)

kk so i got back my results and done my course registration and stuff, am looking forward to the new start of the school term! not.

haha just kidding myself, i hate studying seriously. i love doing nth, but i always regret after tt=/ ohh well contradictary, tts humane nth more nth less.

a short update on today, watched the dumb movie called Lao niu chi nen cao, as mentioned earlier, its a dumb movie wif a dumb main lead but was kinda saved by the female lead. hahah the story plot is very dumb as well. BUT i wonder why, i kinda, got dragged into the movie as in, i felt as tho i took a tour in tt created virtual world and i left reality for an hour or so.

been a while since i had this feeling but i haf to say it doesnt feel good cuz i noe im in another world, this world, which i kinda hate. but its a lil refreshing if i really gotta put it in words.
well well, strange phenomenal ( yea i looked up the dictionary to spell this word)
hmm not much of inspiration to write today so...tts it for now. laters.=)



random sad notes: with the mood to chat and talk abt my life, without the partner to do so=) jus great. hahaa

screw me.

i realli hate myself.





if my son is like me. i wld definitely feel like giving him 1 punch in his face to make him wake up his idea. got my results ytd. its kinda like way better than my expectations. i was shocked, i didn noe how to react. i wanted to share my joy but i am too afraid of wad others might think. I am happy and yet sad. contented yet disappointed.


all these humane emotions, i wish i didn haf em. kk back to the part wher i realli hate myself.


(1) im bloody rude sometimes. im totally not fit to be impolite to anybody cuz im jus a nobody. (rhymes huh. =D)

(2) i hate hearing negative comments. which is vital for improvement.( somewhat bloody annoying)

(3) im sometimes so full of myself, when im such an imperfect creation.

(4) i get nervous and stressed up quite easily and i hate to admit it. wad a loser. GOsh roll eyes left rite up down.

(5) i jus suck la. srsly. jus F off and rot 1 corner can.?


kkkk so update on recent stuff. i always let things go at crucial moments and regretting it later, den wad. wad can i do? y is this brainless dog like this!?


it kinda revolves ard the same topic but i guess i shall elaborate on my emotions. jus for the record.

->i was afraid wad ppl might think.
~i did great for some of my subjects and i was proud of it. im concerned abt some of my frens but i am afraid tt they thought im a bzbody and is trying to compare results for no &$@* reason. Thus i jus kept to myself. much as i wanted some to praise me, i had to keep it in, with the person's feelings in mind.

->I am happy and yet sad
~i am happy tt i passed, very happy. but very sad to realize tt, there is nth waiting for me. there is nth to claim even after clearing this great hurdle. wad awaits me, i dont see it.

-> im contented, yet disappointed.
~im contented wif the passes i get, but disappointed to the maximum level tt no1. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE praised me for it. i guess they jus thought tt im a show off but, i dun think i am, OK?! at the end of the day. i jus need some1. just any1 to pat me on the back at least to tell me" you did great." tt wld haf sufficed.

would i trade failing and having loads of ppl to console me or passing wif no1 giving a damn abt my score? im seriously thinking of which 1 to choose. damn


arhh ok ok will stop whining for now. cya

so far so not good.=)

heehee life's been nt very nice but am still clinging on to it desperately. lets see wad will happen next... hmm few wise words for the day, i aint sure if any1 else said it b4, but i swear tt is wad came to my mind today

(1) if you dont hear ur colleagues telling you ur bad points, tt means they are talking abt it behind ur back.

(2) Having common sense, does not mean tt u are intelligent, u are jus lucky tt wad u jus did was correct. u might not be able to solve the nxt problem. (kinda abstract but try to understand wad im trying to imply)

(3) Every1 is clumsy and not talented at some areas, its definitely ok.

(4) If u are thinking y cant ppl be more like u, get it right, its just becuz u are the best creation from god.

(5) u feel tt im either deaf or having a poor command of english, while i feel tt u haf poor articulation and u speak too softly. So who is right?

lalala kinda nt very happy wif some stuff but aint got no mood to write them down here. i shall try my best to write abt some happy stuff by the nxt entry =)

go go fighting!

bad day.

why do bad things always happen back to back. i just had some problems ytd and the day b4 ytd. and today smth bad of mayb a greater magnitude happened today. for now i can only pray tt there will nt be any repercussions from these incidents which happened recently.

hurhur. im in a very bad mood today so i thought tt i wanted to blog abt smth but apparantly im kinda speechless now =/ so, time for some songs alrite? =)

its been a long while since i came ard,
its been a while since im back in town,
this time im not leaving without you..

bye.

its been a long while.

hello! its been a long while since i came ard. im feeling quite down today but i guess i shld still write in a happy tune cuz i dun think i shld be so gloomy everytime i blog.





ok i read my previous entry titled the moving life. i guess after tt entry, my life seems to moved on. went to work @ 2 places and its kinda like draining my life force away. luckily im made of better materials as compared to normal humans but, i've been thinking 'did i bit a chunk too big for myself?'





i guess i overestimated myself a lil too much, i tot i cld handle both sides well but apparantly, im doing very poorly on 1 side. so bad tt i feel so ashamed of myself, so bad tt i gathered a bunch of ppl to bitch abt mi. i unds tt bitching is human nature, but, i jus hate it when im the topic for it. well well. things will get better. plz work hard chaoyi, destroy those assholes ok? its ok, u are jus being lousy at smth which is nt ur speciality, plz work harder! ignore those negative voices and keep pushing forward. i noe u do nt haf the extreme intelligence but u haf the guts, the guts nv to give up, and tt will be ur edge to slay anything tt comes into ur way ok? GO GO FIGHTING!





okok putting tt aside,


i guess this might be fate or wadever, i met my SP @ rws while working. my god, i realli wish to noe her better but, grrr im too shy and stuff. but lets hope i will haf more chances to meet her and lets hope i can advance and yea! ( highly impossible)


but yea





its been 2 years since i let u go, this time im nt leaving without u.

ikimasho. Gambatte ne chaoyi san.

the moving life.

i understand the "moving life" sounds abstract but im jus using it as an antonym to my life which came to a standstill a month ago.

was hoping to find a job ASAP! wif the BEST SALARY but apparantly, u noe, diff ppl will haf diff life. was waiting waiting waiting for the calls to come but they never did. ohhh so somehow i did nth for a month and kinda like lived everyday for the sake of living.=.=

well well i guess i had enuf of this life, i decided to start my engines somehow. some kinda of bad quality job i suppose, found its way to me, being desperate, i simply accepted it. gahh. i aint sure im gonna regret it in future, but, the me now simply want to stop slackingg.
haha kinda happy tt my life is finally gonna changee.

2mths it shall be. i will be happy. yes i will.

random notes:
I had wished that u will treat her well and make her happy, i wun let u off easily if u make her cry. but now, i wish that u will break her heart and make her cry and leave her with a broken heart, for i noe that our eternal happiness does not include you.

jaja this came to my mind just as i woke up. haha so i decided to write it down somewher.
sore dewa, mata ne!

soul search.

yes. ive been wasting these few days not doing anything.
here i am, subconsciously, despite having a weary body, im not sleepy. hmm perhaps my subconsicious is stubbornly refusing to end my day jus liike that.
i was racking my brain for something to help mi kill time and then an idea struck me, yea i noe its no longer original but i went back to read my old CLASS BLOG.

for starters, the blog was meant for the class to share information and probably act as a space for every member in the class to probably also express how they feel abt any issues happening ard them. and yes, i created the blog for my class in jc... abt 5 yrs back? YEA...OMG ITS BEEN 5 YEARS.?!
oh wellls. i read thru the blog entries written by me and my classmates. ahhh brings back memoriess. once again, it kinda feels like ive transcended time and remembered all those minute details which would haf been forgotten. bahh as i read thru the posts, other than remembering the events which happened, i discovered smth interesting. smth which i hadnt noticed. i think i've really changed.

i remb why, i had more frens then than now. why, i felt tt i was very likeable. why, i hate myself so much now.

gahh. i guess i was a realli humourous funny and cute person then, wif a thinge of lively cheerful and amiable. haha i guess i exagerrated but, a little of all the above wouldnt be too generous alrite. wad happened to me, why is there a dark cloud hovering above my head and following wherever i go? why did u keep ur mouth shut and ur smile to urself.?! wad happened to all the humour which u were born wif and were once so proud of?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO U?! CHAOYI!

i couldnt answer myself. i didn noe wad caused the change. perhaps, all the things which happened? perhaps its jus part and parcel of growing up? i duno. i do not think i can find out. but yes this soul search. made me feel tt i acheived alittle smth today at least.
i looked thru my soul. i saw the person who had the same body as mi 5 yrs ago. i think i learnt a little today.

i will strive for the better. i can. i will =)



hahaha side note, this place is for me to write all my emo stuff. when im happy, i wun write it here, i wld tell every1 ard mi wif my mouth. spreading the joy i suppose? yea the place wher i pour my sorrows, where no1 other than me noes, here =) yea so if any1 is wondering why this person is forever emo nemo, tts the reason, cuz u are reading my blog, my personal archive of emotions.

another.

yet another day totally wasted. hmm tt jus proves how incompetent i am as a human, screwing up 1 interview and rejecting the other. just wad am i. wad do i think of myself. grrr am hating myself more and more. cuz i often regret wad i did like 10seconds later. but oh well tts me.

haha so an update of my life, basically sitting down there watchin some random videos which are totally not constructive at all. i noe im simply wasting my life but, i jus cant make myself do anything else. uh uh guess tts kinda bad... OKOK i will get my ass moving alright. i will do smth diff tml! i promise. haha

oh had a strange dream during my afternoon nap, i actually dreamt tt i was back in a BAND! hahaha i wonder wad i was in my dream, an alumni or member. haha but oh well interesting thing is i had a thought during the dream, i only remember that thought very clearly but nt the other details of the dream. i was thinking

"hey cy this is a dream u noe."
"yes i noe, but still, let me play tt intrument, let me perform b4 waking up ok."

oh my, i cant remb whether i actually performed, but i woke up soon after, with a smile on my face.

hahaha i guess tt is jus my brain trying to remb the times when i had fun and am actually enjoying myself. to escape this boring life for a while, a short break i would call it.=)

haha okok i guess tts it for nw. be back soon!

another day flew past

hmm.. rotting my flesh away.

its been. erm almost 2 weeks? and im still doing nth. outings? nope. didn meet up wif many ppl. (dun haf many ppl to meet anw.) job? nope. no employers called me at all. wonder wads wrong wif them but.. ohhh welll. screw this.

grahh no inspiration to write much at this moment. so... erm tts it for nw=)

the end of things.

yay.? somehow my exams ended and im now back into this process of searching for jobs + waiting for employers' call + waiting for frens to ask me out + rotting my ass at home. ahh.. quite a bad feeling. its gd to be able to rot at home but, well the thought of having to search for job is reallllllllll shity=.= facing those ppl checking the hell outta u and putting on this fake smile plus the fake professionalism. =/ one word -> troublesome

if only.. if only. haha i wouldnt mind slackin chillin the shit outta my life for now but. yup. tts life time to put on my smile and professionalism and get out of my hse searching for the $$$$$.

hope i wun take too long to find a job this time! gg. wish mi luck alrite. to erm, whoever haha lOl!

lalala

lalala in the rain. haha went cycling to pass smth to my fren, and it rained on my way back =.=. prolly coz of the pebble tossed into the pond a few days back, unconsciously, i went back to the place i liked so much haha. cuz tts the only memory i had wif =/. oh wells lalala in the rain feels good. its so much better than missing =/. gahhh went back home drenched. zz luckily i didn fall sick frm tt so, its cool. ermm. other than tt, life's been monotonous. and haf i mentioned abt it? passed pBF.. yay! barely, but im happy jus to be able to pass.! awww gotta study hard man chaoyi, if nt ur life's not gonna get pass 2011. hai. wadever ok? do work hard now! there are many things waiting for u after ur exams~! go go, fight! alright alright byebye.! for now. yea the rain, i still like it so much. haha

tuesday. with a twist.

hahaha! im back, wif a hmm... wad to say, nt realli good mood~ well well lifes been a bitch but im still hangin on since nth REAL bad happened haha. mm yea officially confined myself for the month till exams are over. hope it helps! good news! i got 70 points for my bloody stats 1 prelims. YAY! higher (much) than my expectations. but i somehow feel tt its untrue cuz i certainly dun deserve it=/ the marker was too lenient or rather, probably semi- blind? haha well but the bad news is tt i got 12 marks for my stats 2.=/ pretty or rather mUCH LOWER THAN EXPECTED? oh well didn feel much but lalala. ehh and as for the main reason that im back here is.. cuz of a stone was cast into a peaceful pond water this morning. hahaha if u noe wad it means. yea i checked my hp when i woke up, "1msg recieved" haha wth. lol wasnt expecting much and as i realized who the sender is, i was SHOCKED!! plus surprised plus wadever, haha i was thinking "wad the hell. holy mama."=.= gg haha well its her. even tho i intentionally didn tell her the fact tt i changed my hp no. but oh well. she found my no. nonetheless. hmm its been 2 yrs i guess? yup, the dumb and stupid mi kept telling myself to dun imagine things, but OH WELL, im still me, imagining all the impossible scenerios. LOL well well at least im really happy for a few hours. but it all ended in total disappointment. hahaha details? jus asking smth which is totally redundant.=/ the last msg frm me was "...see u if i see u=/" and the msg from u was "i dont think i will ever see u but, see you." hahahahaha kinda sad but kinda, well i cant find the word yet, i will write it down if i ever realize how exactly im feeling. lala.

eventful april fool

yo. actually nth much happened but jus felt like updating more frequently haha.

gonna update bout ytd and today.

31/3



hmm for some reason i somehow found myself back at PJC... again=.=!! for a diff purpose this time; to study. haha well well long story abt how i ended up inside again but well well, quite a bad trip back as the feeling is diff this time ard, and gah.=.= nth exciting happened.
felt like an alien invading the earth, i definitely dont belong there anymore, not matter how my mouth likes to brag abt my eternal youth nonsense, age alrdy caught up to me, im old.

1/4



haha suppose to meet wif fren for study session, but he suddenly told me tt he met an accident=.= tot it was an april fool's joke but omg its real after all. GG! but luckily he is fine. =x eh srsly nth much to say now. no mood. no feeling. hahahahaha blah blah cya again soon ba.