Ure blinded.

U are totally blinded. So as I am. I shan't blame u. It's pretty normal for tt to happen, so wad am I supposed to do nw. Start pushing forward.? No. I'm afraid of failure, much more than u do, more than any other human as well. I.. Can't afford to lose anymore, time ain't on my side this time ard and I've got so much to lose as compared to other ppl.

Loads of things I wanted to talk abt but whenever I reach this page I forgot wad I wanted to say.
Well well I shall jus list them down and elaborate if I haf the mood to edit it later.

I don't wan it, but I don't wanna gif it to other ppl either. :| quite evil eh. Part of me told me tt I shld let other ppl haf it so I will feel happy tt at least other ppl are made better off w/o me becoming worse off. Tts econs. Hahah this way, the market will be more efficient. Tt said, the feeling tt someone else is made better off becoz of me while I didn get anything in return makes me feel kinda unhappy. Lol, weird eh.? Y am I like this.

 Tho I feel tt it was q nice to hear quite abit frm u since... I started, no since u started distancing urself frm me, whether it was intentional or not but yes, since tt wide distance widened further, I remb hw it feels like again perhaps. Tho the feeling isn't tt strong as compared to b4, a part of my brain urged me tt "pls protect this person, pls make her happy as much as u can." But, I guess it's beyond my abilities tho. I wanna try harder, I don't wanna give too much. The dilemma I've always been facing these months, I sincerely Duno. I don't noe. I've got no clue.

Screw  me.

Ure blinded, the thing tt u wanted so badly cldve easily be obtained if u looked ard u. It's almost jus right in front of u but u don't see it cuz ure blinded by smth else tt u tot it's urs

You.

"In my heart that let you go

Tears come up and shake me and hurt me
In my two eyes that let you go
Darkness comes to me again

I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I regret because I couldn’t take care of you
I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I go crazy with the memory of you laughin

With the pain of not having you, I shed tears and blow my nose
I want to be a man and just laugh but
I can’t fix the habit of becoming blank every moment
I want to be a man and just laugh "

I'm not smiling when I'm smiling. Becoz I don't even appear in front of ur eyes. U can't even see the look in my eyes when I look at u. I wanna be beside u. Can't u alr noe my intentions. Ain't it obvious Enuf.?-_-

Had a couple of beer again, I guess I'm  tt rottened. Wanted to talk to someone but I don't think there's anybody out there so I am jus chilling while watching some funny vid clips trying to make myself smile. (Non-adult themed.)

Eating and drinking makes me happy slightly I think... But tt void inside needs to be filled by smth else.  Those empty laughters I've been having, those fake smiles on my face jus rubbed against my bad mood and made myself feel more empty.

Duno if I'm making much sense cuz I'm jus writing Wadever tt came into my mind. Hahaa I gues I shall edit it later.

Finally. A small paragraph abt myself... A strange qn tt popped into my head tt I can't get the answer no matter hw hard I try to get evidences frm my past memories.:
I'm kinda funny, I sincerely ain't sure abt what I'm actually like. Am I the weird guy who likes to do strange stuffs to make ppl luff or am I the quiet person who jus likes to sit down and stare into blank. For now I shall jus accept tt I'm both. The person wif probably a split personality, maybe.

Will continue looking for answers. For the qn on wad am I deep inside and to the soln to fill up tt empty soul of mine. Hope remains, the light will be mine one day.

Meaningless

I've been doing quite abit of meaningless stuff recently and I don't like it. Dragging my tired body ard and not getting anything much in return despite my hardwork. Holy cow wad am I doing wif my life. If I jus stop Wadever strange stuff tt I am doing nw, I wld probably end up doing nth which is kinda... Boring as well. Why do I always end up wif this kind of situations.... change in environment? Find smth new in life.? Like wad. -_- change ain't always good. Wif change there cld be a 50% chance of getting a worse life wif contrast to my current state. Tt ain't gd either.

Wanting to talk to sm1 but there isn't anyone whom I can trust. As in nt like my frens won't listen or I don't trust my frens. Hahha but... I don't think anyone wld be able to uds wad I'm rly gg thru. Whining to ppl who don't uds will only result in wad, textbook replies," aww u shld change, aww u shld look on the bright side.." Lol fk tt. I haf all of those answers as well. So yeah. I'm.... Probably jus gonna counsel myself later. Hahaha.

Meaningless meaningless meaningless. Wad shld I do tml.:/


And u suck. Srsly. Why. Why. Why. Why.fk this.

Hw can I smile when I'm nt happy
Hw can I be happy when life is so meaningless
Hw can I find meaning when ur heart isn't here.

LIFE.

nth special as usual! heh. unsure whether tts a gd thing but. same saying goes, nth bad means its good. always wanting to take a step forward but lacking in courage cuz i haf too much to lose. sometimes i rly envy ppl who took the brave step forward and achieved smth incredible. while for my case, i always hesitate and if im not wrong, whenever i step forward, i only get shit results tt deters me frm doing so anymore. well well....

ive... worked hard these few weeks? and yes i needa work harder in academic wise. gotta pick up the pace. and oh, i havent met many of my frens for awhile... hey it aint totally my fault, they are bz wif their stuffs as well ok.
i..rly detest meeting up wif ppl to do "catching up". in a sense cuz im not doing well. and in another way, theres nt much purpose in like catching up wif ppl cuz however they do doesnt rly affect me in any way. true right? and while knowing whether they are doing well doesnt really affect me in a positive way, taking time out of my full schedule jus to meet up wif them affects me in a negative way. like i hafta shagg my ass off further jus to meet up wif em, and arranging timings makes me feel slightly pissed off and furthermore, havin to spend money on meals and stuffs. overall i will gain no utility in meeting them, and in fact my disposable income falls. the final results in a fall in utillity thus, it is irrational to meetup wif those ppl.

well that said, my bro talked to me abt tt as well, he said "y mus u haf a purpose whenever u meet up wif ppl" and my reply was "y not"
err... it is true tho, meeting up wif ppl shld give me positive utility in the form of comfort? tt i will be glad tt the person is doing well and also happiness? tt i am able to luff and joke ard wif them to brighten up my day. that said if the utility is not able to balance out the disutility tt i haf to invest in ie; my time and my money, i shld not go.

hha. sounds just like an econs student trying to reason his way out of his weird thinkings. well well. i shall....hit the roads one of these days ok? yea i will try.

another month

october came.
september was supposed to be the best mth of the year but this year its filled with sorrow, disappointment, anger and loneliness..? heh.

at least the first day of this month was quite... smooth. nth special. nth bad. so its good. pls keep it this way. i shall tryta be nice k

whats wrong

Wads wrong wif the world and wads wrong wif my life these days. So many unpleasant things happening to me recently, y can't it just be smooth and silky like my hair or smth.  As a human I don't think I rly did many bad stuffs and in fact I've helped many ppl in their difficult times and generally I've been rather nice to everyone ard me so why. Lol.

I guess I'm born kind in nature, but luckily I'm not born wif a slow brain. A species will only be able to survive if it's able to adapt to the ever changing world; I'm, rather quick to adapt I guess. The world told me tt nice guys don't last and other human beings aren't as nice as I am. There are loads of ppl who are more than willing to step on top of u in order to get higher up,and the only way to escape tt fate is to step on other ppl first before anyone else does the same. Well so.. I'm thinking if I've been doing a good job so far. I hope I did, in terms of trying my best to not let anyone step on me that is.

Sighh.

Nxt issue:
Wld it be nice if  I can treat u like a stranger if we can't end up together. Why Do I haf to squeeze out tt smile and always caring u subconsciously even tho I noe tt u won't do the same. Heh, I guess this had alrdy became my habit. Tsk, Y cant I jus do it for other ppl who wld b able to reciprocate my actions, my feelings, my heart. 

I've always tot, wad am I doing ther w/o u. Why am I still guarding this place and not expecting u. As the weeks passes, it became frm disappointment to sorrow. Frm sorrow to acceptance.. Accepting tt even if it turned out the way i wanted it to, i won't rly be happy anw. And  yea dere were instances when I rly wanted to jus throw every shit away and enjoy my freedom, but circumstances... are being a bitch as well.

And yea u: busy my ass pls. I noe how it's like to be busy. U don't need to wait fr a few days to reply one dumb ass msg. No thanks. Much appreciated but stop wasting my time please. thank u very much.

More hatred.

Yes u may. Take everything tt I cared for frm me. Will tt make me stronger and better.? If yes go ahead. Or if u jus wanted to make me hate u more. I will.

Complete lost of interest. Complete defeat. Total unhappiness. Where's my beer. Argh: fk I needa wake up early tml omg. Sigh.

Fk this.

"Nothing ever lasts forever

In the end, you changed

There is no reason, no sincerity

Take away such a thing as love

Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone

I was alone anyway

I have no one, everything is meaningless

Take away the sugar-coated comfort

Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I scream and get dizzy

I vent out of boredom to other couples

I start fights for no reason like a town gangster

Sometimes, I purposely shake my leg, crookedly

The main characters of the movie called this world is you and me

A lonely island, lost and wandering

The empty streets are filled with those who are alone"

Slumber.

Finally went into deep sleep when I got home just nw. It felt damn weird, like uhm, had a few dreams tt feels so real and when I woke up, I had this few milliseconds of wad do u call tt.? Confusion between which is the reality and which is the dream world. ..TWICe. Yea cuz I woke up for lunch  and went back to slp.

Today has been q normal, A pretty peaceful day I can say. Don't u love peaceful times? Days wherby u totally don't feel like replying texts, answering phone calls and jus doing nth. And choose do only the things tt I liked.. It's pretty delightful. But the happy times aren't gonna last. Things will get hectic again tml onwards.

Pardon my abrupt end. But I. Can't think of anything else to write ATM. Tts it for now.

Hatred. I'm full of it.

remains.

My human body almost reached its physical limit today haven't been slping well these few days and had to work those fked up shifts. it's smth  which I requested for but  it turned out to be rather tiring. Haha jus cuz I'm not used to slping early

Stuffs happened. Mostly of nt much of importance but jus to note down somewher to show tt I lived. hmm. After a long while of not seeing u, drowning myself wif things to do. I kinda forgot tt I liked u; wad remained was just a statement or erm wad, a memory? Tt I was so into u. But, why did I even fall for u. Heh, I can barely remb why. Memories fades, feelings die off, hearts gets chilled. One will soon realize tt all these minor humane stuffs will seemed rly so insignificant when they actually find smth more meaningful. Haha nt tt I've alrdy found it tho, jus tt I haf a feeling tt I will find it one day. And all these petty arguments, minor unhappiness will all seem miniscule later. And, I will jus luff at how foolish I used to be.

So it feels like u wanted to meet up,I'm definitely happy but, for wad purpose. Catching up.? -_- I don't haf much stuffs to catch up wif tho. Hahha, hmm dinner date.? we haven't met for too long for the dinner to be anywher near romantic. We will most likely haf like those awkward moments and den talk abt stuffs tt didn rly matter. Which I rly hated.

but still... Well we'll see.

nxt, hahaha I can't control myself I'm so sry. I rly tried to stay far far away. Oh heh it's the same for u as well, wads remaining in my brain is "oh I like u, I must protect u" but... Den again, for wad.? Hahaha it's like it's smth tts alrdy been programmed in my mind and I'm jus following tt order for some unknown reasons. Ain't it strange? Yea I guess I'm strange after all.

Bogoshipda. Just a yesterday's interest.

Memories delete.

Things that are not seen by my eyes meant tt it may not be the truth. Tho all evidences might be pointing to tt one conclusion, as long as it doesn't happen in front of my eyes, it's not the truth. Wad do u call this. "Denial" I guess.

No problems. I shall remove all relevant memories to prevent me frm being affected. Tt said..... Fk this. Hating this unfair world, whoever said tt hardwork will definitely bring results truly haven't experienced despair, wher hope no longer exists and the wrecked body is no longer able to move forward, every cell in the body tells the brain tt it's pointless to continue trying.

I've most likely reached the end of the line and I rly haf to say, I rly did my best but sadly. The results that is visible is far less than wad I hoped for.
Why. Why. I can't be sure of the reason tho.
But I shall prevail, even tho I'm hating this, I will Control myself and move on in life. Really?? I will try.my best...

Disgusting

I am truly a disgusting living organism I guess.

I'm actually the kind who will use smth else which I don't rly like jus bcoz of the fact tt I can't get the thing which I rly wanted, and then cast it aside totally after a little while.
mayb tts human nature,but still... oh wells
quick update: went back to sch and it felt damn horrible, rly missed the days where i had u sitting beside me who was totally my only motivation to stay inside the boring lesson. now tt ure gone,i rly see no reason at all.
i.. shall try my best to make the best out of this one year. i will learn abt myself and get stronger, in every sense of tt word ok.

got my new fone. yays.

still. missing.u. fk me.

"You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
'Cause when I'm with (her?) I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes"

k bye.

remember

so sch started and argh. it feels rly horrible tt firstly its so crowded and i dont noe why. the cohort taking the same course as me is SO much bigger than mine last year.

shit. i totally lost the feel to write but. lets jus cut it short,
random thoughts tt suddenly popped up in my mind. i... remebered smth tt i havent seen for a LONG while and im... argh i... miss it badly.

bogoshipda.

Last day.

Hyper tired:

And sch starts tml. Note to self: do not sin. Please. Game over alright.

The wedding.

So I went to the wedding. Frankly speaking, its the first one which actually involves my fren so it feels kinda different. Uhh as usual dragged my ass outta my hse half heArtedly but well I'm late as usual but not the latest hahaha.

K so.! We went dere, and there, the groom omg. He looked totally like a boy wearing blazer and all to take part in some kiddy competition or smth but omg no. He's totally gettin married, I guess I still can't adjust my brain to the fact tt I'm actually at tt age. Argh. Jus thinking abt it makes me feel unwel. So I went in and ya had q a gd catchup session wif those frm my table. It rly feels quite nice tt we actually still haf things to talk abt even tho we don't meet often. Had loads of gd laughs and I... Kinda enjoyed the good food. Haha. Stayed a little even after the banquet for abit of beer and continued chatting. Well they did went for part 2, while I had to rush off to work
It felt q bad tt I haf to work and not able to haf  fun wif my frens but oh well. Tts my sucky life. So wad abt it.

Some random thoughts occured while i was walking. heh. to me it was quite a normal day I guess, But to the couple who jus got married, I think it's srsly a very very impt day in their lives. since it's the day wher they decided to be together forever this lifetime, the day tt they officially break off frm their usual family wher they were carefully taken care of and nw they gotta start doing the taking care. Hw much courage would tt take, how much love wld be needed for them to take tt step forward into the new world. Loving one another is alrdy not ez, much less deciding he married.  Well well definitely makes ppl feel like getting married soon as well.

But bleh. Snap back to reality. I'm still me and I'm still in the shit hole. And yea fk this..

I'm still missing u. lol. But I guess it doesn't hurt tt much.

I cld pray a thousand times, I cld write a thousand letters and I could shout it out a thousand times, but u will never noe hw much I missed u.

breathe.

went for a jog again after finally recovering frm tt last run. no no no its jus due to the lack of exercise after such a long time. its nt bcoz im old pls. yea, i nv considered myself getting weaker. on the contrary, i feel tt im growing in strength. heh call tt denial. i call tt motivation? i can see tt im kinda gaining fats tho, -_- damned. needa cut down on late supper and all those fattening stuff. hahahaha.

a few things lately, but am too lazy to update. hahha due to wadever reasons..laziness shld be the main one. oh and catherine's been quite bitchy these few days so i cant rly access to the internet and all.okkk to summarize wad happened these few days.. hmm went to work and slp and went out and shopped and spent some money heh. h&m stuffs are so bloody tempting and i ended buying some stuff which i may not actually need at all. but oh wells.

uh theres this wedding tt i had to attend tml, lol as usual.. the "ahh i wanna go i wanna go" but when its coming, i felt like jus running away and jus slack at home. well well i aint got much happy and slack times left.. might as well enjoy this moment when i still haf time to spare. argh. so not in mood right now. so i shall jus skipp to some smaller stuffs.

i dont like picking up smth i dont like cuz i might jus bring it home even tho i dont like it. im taking it jus cause the one i rly like is not within my reach. so i had the urge to settle down for smth of way poorer quality. BUT no pls... im so gonna regret it later, im so gonna hate myself for doing tt and every1 will look at me wif tt kind of eyes. "eeyerr...." lol. so im trying hard to get myself out of it. im so sry if i happened to hurt anyone. its for the greater good. as always.

i shall end this post wif a song cuz im rly kinda outta inspiration.

When you're gone

The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

so much. tt i didn realise only until im suddenly reminded. the things tt i did to get me thru the day, that forced me to look away. but it all came back at the end of the day. i never wanted you to stay away.

no, dont bother thinking, i came up wif the above line myself. :)

what wld the knight fight to protect when the princess is not in the castle.

feeling normal...?

filthy lowly humans. dont u despise them? i do but. removing all of them frm this world wont rly make this world a happier place i guess. it is thru them, u will be able to cherish the kindness and beautifulness of some other ppl. :)

had a little beer wif kb after work... wasnt rly wad i wanted but since hes here and he suggested it, i wld simply concur. talked abt some random stuffs, and felt kinda....in need of some1 to talk to hahah, i wonder wad tt feeling is but i guess its jus random.
yea. i accidentally...well not tt it matters but yea sry for the disturbance.. i will b fine again tml.
strange mixture of feelings, hate this but not gonna be a big problem. im cy after all. and to top it off, im getting colder, and colder.

a level higher.

so it just occured to me. all those sadness, all those feelings of disappointment, loss whatever and everything were mere feelings tt came about just cuz i was caught up in the moment.

even tho u still make my heart skip a little, make me feel tt i want to keep u forever, it...doesnt rly matter tt much. its jus a temporary feeling i guess. a foolish humane side of mine, which im trying hard to get rid of. since i fully noe my weakness nw, humane. a step backwards, looking at all these wif a wider view, thiknking wad life actually is. i dont rly haf an answer to tt yet but, its definitely not jus abt erm wad life partner.? Or the qualifications tt I get. ya but im not giving up on tt, i will still try my best to climb up to the top and see wad its like frm up there.

that said, as long as im still breathing, the sun still rises. i can stilll fight. and no i wont give up fighting.


i think im gonna miss u quite abit but...i think its okay. gdbye haf fun.

Dark chilly night.

It's 2:31am. And it's raining so it's kinda cold, but nt exactly tt bad. However, I felt like I wanted smth to make me feel warm, mayb it's due to the shits tt were happening ard me tt made me feel tt I wanted warmth badly. Den I realized the sad truth tt I ain't got a blanket.-_- cuz on Normal days I don't rly use em. Arh so I'm making do wif all these spare pillows and bolsters wif my jacket and cardigans lol.

Well well, ytd midnight, i... Went for a little walk, haha hoping to get a breather. Hmm it rained q heavily which is kinda nice and it made me hw do u say it, cherish being at home much more.? Cuz it's rly rly very comfortable at home compared to tt cold chilly winds tt makes ppl depressed, esp when it's raining. Haha hw uncomfortable wld I haf felt if I'm like homeless OMg.. Tt feeling... I didn even wanna start thinkin abt it.
K so.! Yea after enduring thru the hard storms outside, I think I had a clearer mind, like comparing
the downpour as all the problems tt we experience in life,u won't rly die frm it even if u jus endure
 thru it. but however, wif an umbrella, it's definitely way way easier to get thru the storm. Tt said, our family, our frens who are there for u even when ure experiencing hardship acts like an umbrella, tt protects u frm the storm, tho u might still get wet, at least, ure happy to noe tt it cldve been worse. Much worse.

Nxt chapter, haha so even up till today, I've yet to receive smth tt I... Had been hoping to get since like months ago.? Smth I've lived for. Hahaha. It's sad to noe tt my placing in ur heart was actually tt low. And the fact tt all my efforts and feelings didn reach ur heart. Tt sux. Jus thinking of tt made me feel über depressed and urged me to jus get faraway frm u. Tt said, I don't think tt I wld actually bear to and logically, I shldn. As in coz I need tt money and my pride and my feelings and everything, can't even compare to wad I needa achieve.

Is it even a mistake to haf hope,? Wad I've always asked  for isn't alot. Tho Ive always tried to convince myself tt I shldnt hope for anything to prevent disappointment, but... Nah, u and I noe

it


doesn't work tt way, tt tiny ray of expectation nv dies off completely. Dreams dashed, hopes crushed, wishes unfulfilled, ill live thru them, so pls stop torturing me. I beg u.

The end.

Each time I tried to get out of smth fked up, smth MORE FKed up will happen. My mum seems to b cool, my dads utterly disappointed. But I noe, mums definitely feeling hyper fked up but she's jus unable to react atm. Dad wld b saying "I knew it" and I rly hate tt. Wads worse than having to face tt humiliation, those scornful eyes and also sympathetic looks frm other ppl tt steps hard on ur pride.? It's the fact tt becuz of u, innocent ppl, ur loved ones, having to face tt frm other ppl as well jus bcoz of u.
Hurting my close ones haf nv felt gd to me. It's all bcoz of me. I sucked. I'm a piece of shit. but havin to face tt alone, wasn't ez. But tts the reason y I'm strong, and I haf to. Cuz the shits has jus began, the worst has yet to come, cuz I noe, when I finally bring these to light, even my close ones will look at me differently, will gif me tt look, will talk behind my back. But wad can I do, I... Hate tt, but I Hafta face it.
The lone battle starts now.

Tt aside, I shall talk abt other stuffs. I.. Asked for a pay raise. It wasn't ez to get the raise but... Srsly it's nt attractive enuf tho. Well I tested the limits and I quite like wad I saw. It's like a fun game of chess:) where i pit my brain against somebody else indirectly and tts kinda interesting. but still. Shld I. For all tt I noe... Its not gonna be the same anymore. For.. The only purpose dere wldve been money. Jus tt and tt feeling sucked.

Nxt up.! My bday.! hahaa it's more than disappointing. Yr by yr, the celebration got more and more pathetic, nt to say tt less and less of my frens sent me their gd wishes. it jus shows hw pathetic my social circle is. being so alone this year.. Is tt my retribution .? wad haf I done exactly. I haf a clear conscience, so I totally don't deserve all these shit.

Alrighty. So tts 3 sad stuffs in a go. beat tt.

Here comes.

It's tt time of the year again. Much as I had anticipated for this day to come, yea it came wif much much disappointment. It makes me feel so so freaking bad omg. Tt jus means tt I... Didn rly take up much place in other ppl's hearts despite all tt I've done so far. Always going the extra mile for others, always there for my frens. I guess... Tt wasn't enuf. Wad was I lacking exactly. Like srsly. I Duno. I guess it's jus tt fker playing tricks on me again, like trying its best to get me down. Like srsly.? Fk off alrdy, uve crossed tt line. I swear I will destroy u and crush u like a Ccb.

U texted me at 12 and talked abit here and there. Brought a little smile to my face but, tts nt rly enuf. Ur pretense of concern didn help tt much. I... See straight thru all of it well. but thx anw. i still hope tt we cld meet up every once in a while tho.

U.. Didn give me any shit. Hw cld u omg. All those tt I've given, I'm sure I deserved a lil smth.?!? Omg fk this shit. Omg fk fk fk why: why does it always get worse and worse every year while I work harder yr after yr, I... Think it shld be a sign to tell me tt, do less for ppl and u will get much more in return probably?

pfftttt. and this shld be my.. last happy day. haahahaa. tt was not happy at all.