shout.

the shot into the dark, the scream into the abyss.


i sincerely dont know wad my course of actions were for, but.. i guess i just wanted to try. trying harder than i shld, harder than normal ppl wld have to. so yes, the shot is out, and whether u heard it, is up to fate, and up to how much weight i'd held in ur heart.


nonetheless, the results doesnt rly matter, for i am alr used to life w/o u ppl. so..yup, heres a goodbye to the past self and a hello to the me whos gonna embrace the future.




:))))))




.... ahh.... yea, did i jus lowered my guard towards tt person now? fk me, lOL... god...it sure is hard to keep my guard up at all times yea?? but i suppose tts wad i hafta do in order not to get hurt.. sighhhh..

journey's end.

it seems like its cfmed. heh, i think i got it. yays? but... wad is this feeling of emptiness, wad is this tt im feeling. its like within my grasp but i dont own it. lol i dont noe, perhaps its just tt i havent signed the contract yet and thus i cant believe tt idea yet.


nonetheless, its worth looking forward to.


cant rly slp these days, and i wonder y. lost in thoughts? mayb. excited? mayb. but pls let me slp ? lol. anw, i think i might not wanna get back at tt asshole who damaged my pride. why? its petty. its lowering my level to deal with ppl and their cheap taunts. i guess i shld jus let it slip, as i shld haf done so in the beginning instead of even ranting in my blog.


had many wants these days, wanting to thank all the ppl who helped me, who didn give up on me. wanting to meet all those i didn get to meet. feeling all emotional tt yay, this tiring journey is finally ending. but well, its rly nth special. its smth everyone got, so i dont think i needa feel too happy abt it and i didn rly get something rly awesome anw. but im still happy k. well at least, i guess i shld stay as the person i am now. humble, nice, helpful, thoughtful. lOL.


i almost changed to another person jus cause i finally got smth which i shldve got few mths ago, in fact, a year ago. so yea cy, dont be a fking moron pls? its nth to b proud of. its just smth u shldve done like, eons ago so yea.


be humble, be nice, go the extra mile for the ppl who cared for u, and a further mile for those who didn, so tt they will in future. heh. yea. take note k bye.

the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|

keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh

What gOod am I.

Results are out. And I'm fked. As usual. Lol. Made me totally look like a fool in a sense tt, U noe, I lost everything. U, cfa, job, I've got none of em now.what now. I don't know. I've got myself to blame of Cuz. Being half hearted in everything, then yes, fuck me. Fuck this.

And I'm jus gonna go to sleep yea.

round and round.

it seems that ive always been going in circles. rejecting that job offer, going back to tt job, leaving her and den begging to go back to her, i hope none of these kind of things wld continue gg on tho. cause it really sucks to go back to the place wher u left.


so... going for that interview on wed. hope tt it wldn be a bad choice. enduring a year or so, doing smth which ive always wanted to, enduring and get my life forward. i wld love it tt way.


i tot to myself this afternoon. yea, im done with letting go of the past. even when i think abt it, it doesnt hurt no more. so im hoping these continues, and den ill be able to sincerely begin a new chapter with new characters in it, wif a better story plot this time.


tt...wld be all for now.


will update real soon

continuous.

argh. been a few days without any news frm any employers, ok theres 1 tt required me to do a writeup.. lol tts pretty fked up tho, cuz.... u noe.. writing.. hmm anw, yup. still living, still healthy and all.


my fone decided to haf some problems and thankfully tt i can borrow my mum's 'spare' fone. of cuz its not as handy as my own one but... lets hope tt my own phone can come back quickly. in a day or two.


so.... yea tts all for now.? nt much happenings for me update stuff

death and strawberry.(unrequested vacation)

k nth much to do with strawberries but its jus extracted frm bleach lol.


anw, time to update bout the funeral, i guess.


erms received the news on last sunday morning and its been helluva week, went back to my hometown? k more like my mom's hometown to attend the funeral of my grandfather who, is finally able to leave his weakened suffering physical shell and left this world. well, its rly saddening but at the same time, i dont noe, perhaps its mercy tt he's able to end all the suffering as he'd been suffering frm various illness and is barely conscious of his behaviors for a couple of years, requiring the aid of his children to take care of him for every single needs ( feeding, bowel discharging, urinating etc)


i would say, none of any sane human being wld wanna live in tt state, being a burden and all, so i wld say, tt is prolly a relief for my dear grandfather. to, stop relying on other ppl, and move on to another world with a better self.


rest in peace. i hope tt u will haf a good afterlife and if possible, get reborn and live again? cuz life is really beautiful. my dear grandpa.




tt said, i dont think i deserve to shed a tear. cuz ive been absent frm his life for a good 10+ years. lazinesss, and many other reasons made me stop going back to visit my relatives. i always blamed my parents for not being close to their brothers and thus making us not close to my relatives. i guess i also haf a part to play cuz i'd always, always chose not to go back for convenience sake. and, well i pretty much grew up without contact with any of my cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents. its pretty ironic tt, u see ppl frm all over, gathering at the funeral after 10 odd years. like, why is it tt no one bothers gathering b4 anyone leave this world. why would u only choose to come back only after he has died and then grief about his departure.


why is it tt none of u, make sure to get everyone tgt, and let him enjoy the warmth of the big family tt he deserved.


tt said, of cuz, im equally guilty. but i hope tt this will serve as a good reminder to everyone present. tt the warmth of the family, despite the fact tt we didn meet for so many years, didn dissipate one bit.


so yup. im sorry, for being an ass. for being not worthy of shedding a tear. for forgeting all the bonds i had with u ppl. so thank u. with ur death, i hope tt im not the only one who learnt this lesson of togetherness. i will connect with ur family tt u used ur whole life to built and ill be sure to make sure im part of it. and, ill take gd care of ur eldest daughter( tts my mum) heh.








goodbye, sorry. thank u and please take care.

the reunion.?

downing instant laksa noodles atm. perhaps its a hint of the taste of heaven.


recieved the ill news of the fact tt my grandfather passed away this morning, which is...a pretty heavy topic which i will touch on on another day.


just gonna be talking bout the gathering today. so my fren's gf organized a "surprise" bday celebration for him and it jus seemed to be a class gathering for them. lol, since I wasn't in the same class and all. nonetheless, well i came with a heavy heart but i guess it turned out pretty ok, tho i was damn grumpy and all.
well surprisingly xy came, like thru all those coincidences, xh's gf noes her as well and thus invited her. and heck, sadly exactly like 5 years ago, izzit 5, or 6. well the thing is exactly like so many yrs ago, when i did badly for my alvls and didn haf the confidence to face u, i cant even secure a gd job today tt wld gif me enuf confidence to face u again. tt sucked so damn much.lol. like...will i ever haf the courage, will i ever haf the chance to face all those tt got away " hey, im doing well."
perhaps yes, perhaps not. but nonetheless, i rly wanted tt. so, this will be the driving force for me to push forward.

and tear all those in my way.

glad tt i went too, a good wake up call for this guy stucked in a loserish shell.

the dark night.

on the darkest nights, in the loneliest days, and till i found someone new, ill think of u. tts my promise. to myself.


teh heh.


okay. so heres whats up, a week since the parties ended and nope, still no news at all and i practically rotted myself at home. lol due to the lack of cash and all. spent it all in a day, thus the confinement. Zzzz. and i hope tt i wont spend it all again this sunday jus cuz i had to hang out with my fren to "celebrate" his bday which i didn felt like gg but i thought, i shld rly get out and interact with ppl no matter what.


well of cuz its because the organizer is actually his gf, so its gonna be a pretty "fake" outing, lol i duno what word wouldve been appropriate tho but lets just keep to fake for now. cuz u noe, when u haf unfamiliar ppl in the grp, one tends to behave differently(no matter how slightly tt wldve been) and yea. tts wads gonna happen. and of cuz not to mention tt this bunch of ppl ignoredddddddddd my query on whether they wanna hang out for NYE.


i am the kind who wld really rmb these kinda stuff, and yea i am offended even tho i knew they had other plans on, all i wanted was just a fking reply " like hey sry man" and shit but well, the power of silence. nonetheless, its not enuf to make me hate them lol. after all we've been thru sOoo much tgt. im jus slightly piqued okay.


well well one week passed meaninglessly, but look forward to the next? cuz u nv know wad wld be in store for u tml.


yay;)

The 2015

all them parties haf ended, ( and i shall not create more). ive reached the limit, i needed a job like now. lol anw, the job search is pretty vexing these days as i rly didn see any jobs of interest.


nonetheless, i mus keeep searching and nv give up.


aww. nth much to say for now loL! k