judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.

that dead boy.

phone decided to go out of battery as i start leaving the office as usual. hence it was a ride home w/o music and had the chance to u know, do some reflections.


i was jus thinking to myself, as to why wld i always attract ppl at first, and then they would jus stay away from me later. ok not rly attracting but.. somehow yea lol.


kk so yes, my conclusion is that, there are a couple of layers to my character. i wld say mayb 3? n tt wld prolly be determined by diff ppl tt i am hanging out with. so yes, given that i am in a brand new environment, i wld prolly be like a quiet person who dont q like talking. tts prolly layer 1. some other ppl may, luckily, know me when im in my layer 2 mode. when im in a comfortable place and i have alot of funny comments or actions to make.


my 3rd layer, which i wld love to show to ppl i rly want to get closer with. is a side tt prolly no one likes. heh, someone who has alot of deep, ok mayb not deep but bizzare thoughts and u noe, hatred towards alot of things and a pretty dark side of me. perhaps my intentions was to have someone accepting me as a whole, as someone who's not jus funny and all but, someone who;s had diff sides to him. and that is me.


but well.. nowadays.. im slowly losing sight of tt boy. with diff sides. or rather i simply destroyed tt alter ego as its recognized by myself tt its a repellent to friends and u noe, girls. lol. so yea slowly but surely, i think i stopped showing other ppl tt side.


it cld be due to the fact tt ive stopped having negative thoughts or, jus tt im keep all those to myself. i dont know either. perhaps when the next impt person came along, i wld haf the answer?

friday. sweet o friday.

hhahaha. being a working adult makes me crave for fridays so damn much, cuz i can finally be united with my favourite love(beer). and jus sleep till the sun comes out w/o having to wry abt being late for anything.


tt said, i pretty much wasted time and money to "study" at starbucks ytd since... u noe, their drinks are expensive as shit and nope i didn see any familiar face tt can trigger some memories in my head. lOl. wad was i expecting actually. anw to top it off, i didn bring enuf materials to study. i was literally jus dying to go home and voila, i went home jus like tt. w/o going out with ppl, w/o studying, w/o achieving anything.


as ive jus told myself to stop trying so hard, yea i did stop trying. n i think im... did a pretty okay job. so yea.


today im gonna try to grasp happiness by throwing in a bunch of money again. well, i shldn be looking forward to it tho, i shld jus thnk of having fun with frens and not other stuff, perhaps tt way i wont be disappointed no matter wad.

unsatisfied.

am still not satisfied with myself atm. workwise, lifewise.


of cause im still not able to remb everything taught, and im slowly getting a little less humble.jus slightly, and i am totally not doing an awesome job. i still have lots to work on, so yup. ill keep tt in mind.


life wise....i duno, i meant, im slowly starting to realize tt the things i did, the things i wanted to do previously, was pretty plain dumb. even tho i cld justify it as, oh it was jus because of circumstance, pressure, and all.. uh no. not justifiable. so i rly needa wake up my idea.


i guess i was trying too hard to prove tt im desirable, even tho it seems otherwise. im jus trying too hard to comfort my empty heart tt "hey, u're still wanted by somebdy on this world" haha. wad a joke eh?
nope, no. mayb i mightve been impt to someone before, but the me now, am nth but a weak existance in this world. theres no more power to my name, there is, nth left. all im left with is a human body, sitting down there and being kind of a burden to other ppl. and im an existence in which, even if i simply disappear w/o a trace in the nxt moment, it doesnt rly matter at all.


but. that is not wad i want.


so how? wad else can i do. instead of working harder than i am now and being nicer to ppl and trying harder to forge those 'worthless' bonds with the ppl ard me such tt i can actually become something, jus, something, at least an image in ppl's mind and not jus smth tt doesnt rly matter even if i dont exist.


my only goal is to be better than myself today, and keep growing and keep learning. such tt the current container will no longer be able to hold me, and ill go into a bigger container and keep growing, and changing containers, and growing.
*if u noe wad im trying to imply, if not, think harder. heheheheh tts it for now. needa exercise.

strength.

so it was jus like any other day where i was waiting with the rest of the commuters at a bus stop. trying my best to squeeze into a fully packed bus, trying to maintain my balance and not to fall throughout the whole journey.


lots of negative thoughts were going through my mind, like cursing at the government, swearing at the middle aged lady beside me, those foreigners who were flooding into my homeland and adding to the congestion problem. then a thought came to me, i am here with them because i am not strong enuf to break away from them.


the weak cannot live alone and hence they gather in groups in order to survive. im blaming others for the discomfort tt i haf to live through but in fact, i shldve blamed myself for not being a high flyer, a person with good grades, a person who managed to make wise investment choices that could make me soar above the others ard me.


i am no different from the rest of them. i am but a sheep being herded in this enclosure, jus living through day in and out w/o much thoughts about wad i can do to break out of these chains of social norms tt are slowly constricting me.


yes. i shld keep this in mind and keep getting better, getting stronger and rise, instead of giving myself excuses and slowly blending into the crowd as just "one of them"


jiayou k?

Limited resources. Unlimited wants

if I'm not wrong, it's been...3 weeks.? K effectively abt 2.5 weeks and I've been starting proper work for abt a week. Much has been learnt, much still required learning. Rating for my performance thus far?

Poor.

In a sense I didn manage to remb everything tt was taught, everything tt I've did before, where everything is. I duno. I duno. I duno. Tt sucked pretty much, and I feel like I've pretty much been more of a burden than a help. Anddd, ya. I'm RLY sorry to tt lady who's sitting beside me and I can feel tt someday soon, she might jus disregard my existence in whole and leave me to rot or smth lol.

Got my pay ytd and was rly pretty happy, it's my first paycheck after all, but it also meant tt for abt 2.5 YEARS, I've gotta start paying off my debt and it ain't a rly nice thing to know.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well yea. Jus some random thoughts tt I wanted to pen down somewhere. I know I've repeated these a million times and yes, I'm gonna say it again.

This world is rly cruel, while at the same time beautiful. Perhaps it's because of the cruelty tt lurks at in every corner in this world, u get to b rly thankful for the little beautiful things in life. As I tot tt my world is gonna start becoming beautiful, I realized tt I thought wrong. Wonderful things in life don't jus come into ur way, u gotta fight for it. And when u finally got it, u gotta cherish it. For its so gonna slip through ur fingers the moment u loosen ur grip and wad would be left of it? A life of regrets.


Haha had some cool stuff I wanted to pen down but... Can't find any nice place to slip it in this post. Ah wells, I'll jus put it in the next one. Meanwhile, let's hope tt I can haf fun tonight.. I suppose I rly earned it.

Chaoyi

Slowly but surely, more ppl are gonna be hearing this name, not like im gon get famous and shit, but, my job requires me to interact with ppl and when they needed someone to push the blame to, that name will come in handy.

It's...about 2 full weeks since I've started and prolly the 3rd day tt Ive started proper. I can say I didn do a gd job, and I'm jus forgetting things here and there and it's pretty frustrating to everyone. Friday is coming, and I am rly looking forward to weekends now. Lol but nope nope nope, I mus enjoy working, if not it's so gonna be painful to stay there for a year or 2. And to love my job, I needa do.. 2 things? Be good at it, and love the ppl there.

I'll work hard on these 2 aspects and I'll bear in mind tt "it's a new environment and I have to prove myself, while at the same time being nice to the ppl ard me."

fatigue

mm. yea so i woke up today and thought to myself. why did i feel so fked up ytd, i guess its fatigue kicking in. not being able to slp the night b4 had made me mega pissed, mega tired, and mega sensitive to shits.


work has been... quite fked up to say. as i predicted, there are loads of things which i cant handle on my own. loads of issues in which i screwed up, and loads of things, tt i haf not the slightest idea of wad the heck they are talking abt.


nonetheless, i hope tt i didn fare too poorly for a first timer, and i hope tt i will improve and be better in terms of my articulation and my hearing skills, lol. i srsly tend to zone out SO much. i guess its jus a habit tt got in-built into me.
yup ill work harder. ill needa wake up my freaking idea. lets go.


anw lets talk abt life.


i didn noe if i'd mentioned it ytd, was feeling rly rly down for some reason ( im guessing its fatigue lOL) and was rly hoping tt there is someone who's gonna lend me a shoulder to rest my head on. erms even though it sounds kinda gay but lol, once in a while, i think a guy wld want to rest his head on a girl too? prolly some patting on my back and telling me to "work harder" would help. 
BUT!! yup, tt didn happened , and i jus got through it on my own. which... in some sense pretty sad but i would say, its pretty good to have these moments too. if there is always someone for u to rely on whenever u're down, u bcome dependent. u slowly start to feel tt " ah i cant live w/o tt person" which is totally untrue since, biologically, we aint parasites so yup, we can actually live pretty well on our own.


hahah does it sound like im just trying to make myself feel better? mayb i am, but i do think tt there are some truth in tt as well.
so yup. ill try my best to cheer myself up, and if possible, i wld love to be able to cheer other ppl up as well.
tt shall be my short-term goal? to be a bright person and make other ppl's life better.

myself.

objectively speaking, it shld be because of the fact tt ive been poisoning my brother in my own mind these days, tt led to me being displeased with alot of things and finally led to me being rly pissed with the things he does. Attaching other intentions tt he might have to his actions, perhaps these intentions that i tot he had were jus fabrications produced in my mind and got attached to it unintentionally.


but of cause, how can u be so sure that the person nxt to u, wont be the one to stab u at ur final moments. especially when tt person had said such nasty things behind ur back and even to ur face.


i guess i sincerely needa either, stop trusting other ppl and depend on my strong will to get me through life, or, simply trust them and then take whatever tt may come head on.


which is the right choice? nobody knows.


anw this is a good time for a beer and jus rot the night away tt cld possibly make me happier, since.. the only one who understand me is me, and the one i can trust is me as well.
heh duh, like which man can live as a lone island in this wide world with 6 or 7 billion other ppl? perhaps not. he'll die, no matter how strong he is, mentally or physically.


im having tt heavy feeling, where i felt like talking to somebdy, and realizing tt theres nobdy. but wells, its prolly better tt way, tt way i wont have to show my weakness to other ppl and let ppl use it to exploit my feelings later.




am i twisted or wad.


bla. im gonna be fine. im cy anw. hahahah yea =)

The promised new life.

its been a week.? And I wld say I'm barely fitting in. There's so much shit to rmb, so little time, so little concentration on my side and tt sucked. I'm supposed to do a lot of reading and work hard for this chance to prove myself. But I think I'm slowly doing otherwise. Arhhhh. Buck up buck up. And yea Im always so tired when I reached home. Zzz literally.

New life?
Perhaps it is, and I intended to bid farewell to whatever past which was still hanging in my mind, which... I tried to do. While not expecting smth else to come for me. Lol. Tt was pretty stupid tho, and some impeccable timing, when I needed someone by my side and, I pray tt i wld not repeat the same mistake tt I did 2years ago, that caused me to suffer so much just to correct my mistake last year. Hence I rly needa keep tt in mind and yea, don't fall into tt trap again.


friends? haha so i pushed u aside and hoped to get by this boring period on my own, and i guess i wasnt strong enuf, i needed friends to support me. and thank CY for being such a nice person in general tt a friend wld be nice enuf to haf dinner with me.


sighh.. how fragile friendships are, they could just chuck u aside once they thought tt they no longer haf any use for u. its... so disgusting and at the same time real, and i cant even disagree to tt fact tt im actually the same breed as those ppl and i dont rly haf the right to whine abt them. so... yups. i have to live with it.


while at the same time remembering the fact tt im still tt poor dude whos so full of debt and glad tt someone is actually willing to take him in. i am nothing. and i am not a great person whos flawless, instead, im a man whos full of fked ups, who went through a hell load of hardships, and if im not careful, i wld be banished back to tt hellhole which i somehow managed to crawl out frm.


wld u like to go back there dude? i guess the answer is no right? so yup,


remember all the insults/hardships u've been throught, the ppl who were nice, the ppl who left u on ur own.. yea... rmb them well and keep it in mind. it will be useful in future.


lets work harder cy =)

Trying

So it's like I can barely control my sanity.? Like I decided "ok I'm not gonna do this" and den jus moments later, I started doing it. Lol wake up cy. Stop doing this to urself. Don't lower ur own market value ok ? zzzz


uhn nth much abt work, jus the fact tt im jus chilling my way frm 830 - 6. and when its 6pm. woOoots. rush home. and still ended up in a jam tt made me reach home at 730+. like srsly?? but oh well... didn managed to do any reading up or preparing for work so.... i guess ill jus do it later lOL.


i duno but i hope this string which i tried so hard, which took me so much courage to hook wont jus snap tt easily cause... it rly aint ez lol. soOOooo please stay hooked for a little while longer? let me find sth to look forward to in tt mundane life. at least for now, jus like u did a couple of years ago.


yes please.

missing.

sometimes i kinda miss the old me.
tt arrogant prick, who felt tt no one is even near his level and someone who's rly confident in whatever he does. lol


who am i now, i.. dont noe yet. cuz at the moment, im feeling useless, lol there are so many things which i dont know, and there are so many things tt i felt tt i wont be able to do it even if i tried hard. perhaps its just a matter of perception, or izzit a change of heart. nonetheless, i dont believe tt my current feelings are rly acceptable. i haf to be confident, and minus away tt arrogance yea? loll.


anndddd. i guess its nice to visit ur past occasionally, so tt u cld understand wad made u urself today. but of cuz, dont get drawn too far in? heh.


like a moth flying towards the torch, i knew tt i wld get burnt but i guess i cant help it.

gains and losses.

err. my call wasnt rly for u but. erms. well. i guess i shldve been more straightforward, and be more like a man instead of jus praying tt u can uds my intentions frm my ambiguous calls.


nonetheless, for tt random person who responded, i.. i duno, i dont know how i shld react u noe, since u jus popped out randomly and lets see. perhaps im jus jumpin to a conclusion, i hope tt my conclusion wasnt with u u see.


so i dont know, i do need someone to talk to but i wasnt hoping that it wld be u... anw, lets see how it goes? cause... i dont think i haf the time to funk with ppl's hearts nor the courage to endure being hurt no more. sighh.. im gonna assume tt the nxt relationship ill be getting into, wld be my last since i... Rly do not want to go thru tt kind of period anymore.








anw, these few years, ive made a couple of decisions, ones tt changed my life, changes my life, gonna change my life. and most of it i made it on my own so.... no matter if it goes right or wrong, i cant blame anyone else for it and ill say tt i made the "best" choice given the situation and pressure. it wld seem tt it is wrong but, i guess it wldve been a rationale choice?  nobdy noes if our choices then wld go right or wrong, it all boils down to probabilty. so... Yea, I'll live with it. Frens I'd chose to distant from, hobbies tt I gave up on, I'll probably get them back after my life settled down, and I do hope tt those frens of mine wld still be there lol.

Things I've gained.? My character perhaps. I've pretty much fit my character to suit the ppl I hang out with, and after some years, I think I finally stopped trying to live to fit into other ppl and jus be myself. And well memories, no matter gd or bad, those were the things tt made me me. Uh. Tts it for now, becoming q naggy and I think it's gonna b a problem lol.

Be Back soon

shout.

the shot into the dark, the scream into the abyss.


i sincerely dont know wad my course of actions were for, but.. i guess i just wanted to try. trying harder than i shld, harder than normal ppl wld have to. so yes, the shot is out, and whether u heard it, is up to fate, and up to how much weight i'd held in ur heart.


nonetheless, the results doesnt rly matter, for i am alr used to life w/o u ppl. so..yup, heres a goodbye to the past self and a hello to the me whos gonna embrace the future.




:))))))




.... ahh.... yea, did i jus lowered my guard towards tt person now? fk me, lOL... god...it sure is hard to keep my guard up at all times yea?? but i suppose tts wad i hafta do in order not to get hurt.. sighhhh..

journey's end.

it seems like its cfmed. heh, i think i got it. yays? but... wad is this feeling of emptiness, wad is this tt im feeling. its like within my grasp but i dont own it. lol i dont noe, perhaps its just tt i havent signed the contract yet and thus i cant believe tt idea yet.


nonetheless, its worth looking forward to.


cant rly slp these days, and i wonder y. lost in thoughts? mayb. excited? mayb. but pls let me slp ? lol. anw, i think i might not wanna get back at tt asshole who damaged my pride. why? its petty. its lowering my level to deal with ppl and their cheap taunts. i guess i shld jus let it slip, as i shld haf done so in the beginning instead of even ranting in my blog.


had many wants these days, wanting to thank all the ppl who helped me, who didn give up on me. wanting to meet all those i didn get to meet. feeling all emotional tt yay, this tiring journey is finally ending. but well, its rly nth special. its smth everyone got, so i dont think i needa feel too happy abt it and i didn rly get something rly awesome anw. but im still happy k. well at least, i guess i shld stay as the person i am now. humble, nice, helpful, thoughtful. lOL.


i almost changed to another person jus cause i finally got smth which i shldve got few mths ago, in fact, a year ago. so yea cy, dont be a fking moron pls? its nth to b proud of. its just smth u shldve done like, eons ago so yea.


be humble, be nice, go the extra mile for the ppl who cared for u, and a further mile for those who didn, so tt they will in future. heh. yea. take note k bye.

the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|