gotta stop believing.

cause its a weekend. what have i done? hmm friday was jus a lame house beer party with me and me and me at home doing nth much other than watching some lame ass old movie and jus dozing off.


sat morning was spent sleeping, and afternoon was spent walking ard and stoning and all lOL. well, somehow managed to pull myself out and went clubbing at night tho. supposingly an awesome night with chicks and drinks and all but... well nope. nth happened.


so i guess ive changed, or perhaps the crowd has changed or well, i just felt tt its awesome tt im able to meet up with frens whom ive lost contact with and reconnect with them, and everything else didn rly matter.




oh yea, managed to drag my ass outta my hse this morning and visited my adorable nephew and niece and god. adorable kids kinda made my lame ass weekend slightly less meaningless. hahaha.






love don't exist when you live like this

ill stop believing in love. cause love dont exist when you live like this.

Not enuf.

k so what's worse than having an uneventful weekend, a frantic first day of the week with loads of shitty things happening to me.

So today was rly rly horrible. Not to mention tt we've been mad busy, I rly did tried rly hard to complete whatever that I was supposed to do. Nonetheless, "poof", more things tt I'm supposed to do in which I haven't touched. And yup, of course I'm gonna get that look from them, and tt pretty demoralizing.

It's jus like, working rly hard and getting a poor result. Lol. Guess my working hard isn't rly enough, what else shld I do? Well... Yea work harder. And harder and prolly stay till like 10pm right.? Lol. Fk this like srsly.

Yea fine. Let's work harder tml and see how it goes yea? Z

Clean slate.

Don't you have this thought tt u cld jus wake up to a clean slate.? Like, not being bothered by the past issues, the problems u had since ytd.

Argh, but but today is the result of yesterdays, and how your tomorrow will be depends on what u did today.




pretty much slept my long weekend away. that wasnt how i rly planned on spending my hard earned long weekend but well, it jus happens so i guess theres nth much i could do abt it.
"why not spend it jus the way u want to" u may ask, life aint tt simple. the ppl i want to spend it with are no longer in my life, and nope. i dont have any spare tyres left. haha i suppose this is the way my life should be, for treating ppl as spare, for classifying ppl into different categories and being a smug jus because ppl wanted to be with me more that i wanted to be with them.


hahahhaa. i deserved it yea i deserved it. this loneliness suits me, this pain provides me a good life lesson. so yea, if the chance comes knocking again, i guess ill pick it up and get on my feet. =))


life was never fair and all i needed to do is to make it bend to my favour.

i've had a dream

do u believe angels?


haha just a little part of the lyrics of the song im listening to.


well yea i just woke up from a somewhat beautiful? bizzare dream tho. hahaha like i dreamt of being with someone who looked like u but its not u. but uhh. i guess i did dreamt of u.


nuh uh. no issues over here, jus a random little dream that humans have every now and then.


what have i been living for these days? hmm just surviving day in day out and collecting the pay on every 15th of the month, with a seemingly pretty tired body tt only comes to life when sat hits.


i had hoped to study, to exercise, to haf a normal social life, and its kinda not happening for me.  i just wannted to go home and slp and jus wake up to the nxt working day.


hahaha this is so not healthy and definitely not gonna be kept going.


wake up ur idea chaoyi, ure diff from other ppl and ure different from the old u.

Good enough.

i wonder if I did become good enuf.

Having a sorta stable job and scrapping through day by day. I'd told myself tt I will use half of the time tt was given to me to finish learning. I'm only left with one month tho, and I'm not sure if I cld meet the deadline set by myself, nor the deadline they set for me.

Nonetheless, I rly hope tt I will be able to keep this job for a, pretty long time? A year or 2 at least.? And I sincerely pray tt I will be the one to say tt I wanna leave because I haf a new job.

Negative feelings aside. I'll get back to the topic.

I read through my previous posts, posts written by me when I didn had a job. Lol. I was saying abt how I don't haf any courage to approach some of my "old friends" cause I am not doing well enuf to keep in touch with them

What abt now.? Am I good enuf now.? Mayb not. Mayb i shld stay as I am, my bad, staying the way I am is not good enuf as wel. I srsly needa start working harder. And prolly reduce the Amt of alcohol intake so tt I won't needa slp so much in the weekends. Damn.

goood for something.

when u keep doing smth, u eventually bcome good at smth. when u become good at smth, u will haf this air of importance built inside u. a self created sense of mightiness, pride, and everything nice. u start looking down on ppl, mayb belittling some other ppl in other professions.


while i needa keep this in mind. i may bcome good in something in time to come, im not good in everything. i need to always have this humbleness in me. for i dont want to become like one of them.


i need to constantly grow. to keep improving ( tt said, i havent been doing shit)


to become great, i need knowledge. to not become like one of them, i needa claw my way out.



yeah.

work hard.

i duno if its due to fatique or jus tt its normal, or for wadever reason.


kinda troubled due to work related stuff.


ill jus briefly talk abt it ya? i guess i shldve accepted the fact tt im supposed to be scolded for other ppl's mistakes, and not feel unjust. i shld jus keep it to myself wadever emotional issues tt i may encounter. well.. cause the office aint tt big, wadever i say wldve been heard and mis-represented.


so ok ppl might feel offended, unhappy and all other stuff. but well i dont haf any ill intentions, and I think they wld feel tt way cause they don't know me. So I can't blame them, I'm the one who didn't wan them to know me anw. So Mayb, all wld be better if they know me better? Heh.

Ok Tml. I'll work towards tt goal.

here without you.

taking a loong deep breathe.


tho im looking forward to weekends, im thinking tt it ended too quickly lol. perhaps because i havent been doing much things during these 2 days. and i felt tt its simply just wasted.


just like that.


yea yea i know i chose this path of solitude. But I do needa grumble and whine about it every now and then here since I can't do it to other humans. I mean I can but, I'll prolly preferred doing it here, and jus let everyone else think tt I'm jus a happy and funny guy running ard.

Anw, I've been trying to complete this post since Friday. Lol. And I guess I finally garnered enuf inspiration today. Lol. Well yea while trying to complete this post, I've also been trying to think of smth interesting + healthy+ meaningful to do. Smth tt I can say tt it's my hobby. But well, weekends are supposed to be for me to rest, and wadever free time tt I haf left should be for studying. In which I haven't been doing. Gahh.. I shld prolly rly put my heart into this.

I'll jus leave it at here for now. Gonna take a nap on the bus b4 gg to work heh.

annoying.

i forgot to bring my earphones for lunch. Damn.

And I'm surrounded by noisy ppl. Heh. It's actually nice tt there are young ppl in the place, k fk I'm starting to sound old. Okay I meant, it's nice to have noisy? Rowdy? Outspoken? Lol I duno which is the proper term to use but yea. Ppl who makes q abit of noise hanging ard makes the place less dead, but argh. It didn't feel particularly nice when they're right next to u.

Mayb im jus irritable cause of.... But Mayb I shldn have all these negative thoughts. I shld be like happy, and looking forward to Tml, and erms. Bright k? Right.. Tts it for now gotta go back to work and gonna update later.

Automated.

Just like how I automatically walked in that direction towards to mrt station. Like how I react when ppl start dissing me, like how I wanted to keep in contact with u. It's pretty much automated. God knows why I'm doing this. And I don't even know why I'm asking to be hurt. Lol.

A myriad of emotions, a mind in a whirl. Haha. A bunch of regrets.? Guess not. Even tho I'm sure tt there are traces of tt in my mind but I did remind myself constantly tt I made the right choice. Uhh. Guess tt shld be over pretty soon, jus a sudden urge.


it has been a year so it seems, i must be a fool for thinking that u will still be there, i must be a fool to think tt u wld forgive what ive done. i must have been a fool for trying to destroy the status quo. theoretically, i shldn have any remnants of emotions left. i shldve been able to leave everything behind. after all, i...am no longer that boy anymore. he's dead. his memories were implanted into mine and ive accidentally thought tt those memories belonged to me. but nope nope, those arent my experiences.


those ppl i missed, i wanted to be with, i fought to get back with, they dont know me, the real me. so yup. ive gotta go back to my own routine instead of being bugged by things tt dont rly concerned me.


heh.


Tml will be the same as any other day, today I'm gonna lie on my bed and not do anything as per normal. Nth nice will happen to me, and all I gotta pray for is tt nth bad will happen to me!



Yea. Live peacefully cy. Live normally. Stop asking for it, sadness tt is.:)))))






p.s. aint experiencing a split personality or smth, jus trying to make this post sound more interesting lol.

judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.

that dead boy.

phone decided to go out of battery as i start leaving the office as usual. hence it was a ride home w/o music and had the chance to u know, do some reflections.


i was jus thinking to myself, as to why wld i always attract ppl at first, and then they would jus stay away from me later. ok not rly attracting but.. somehow yea lol.


kk so yes, my conclusion is that, there are a couple of layers to my character. i wld say mayb 3? n tt wld prolly be determined by diff ppl tt i am hanging out with. so yes, given that i am in a brand new environment, i wld prolly be like a quiet person who dont q like talking. tts prolly layer 1. some other ppl may, luckily, know me when im in my layer 2 mode. when im in a comfortable place and i have alot of funny comments or actions to make.


my 3rd layer, which i wld love to show to ppl i rly want to get closer with. is a side tt prolly no one likes. heh, someone who has alot of deep, ok mayb not deep but bizzare thoughts and u noe, hatred towards alot of things and a pretty dark side of me. perhaps my intentions was to have someone accepting me as a whole, as someone who's not jus funny and all but, someone who;s had diff sides to him. and that is me.


but well.. nowadays.. im slowly losing sight of tt boy. with diff sides. or rather i simply destroyed tt alter ego as its recognized by myself tt its a repellent to friends and u noe, girls. lol. so yea slowly but surely, i think i stopped showing other ppl tt side.


it cld be due to the fact tt ive stopped having negative thoughts or, jus tt im keep all those to myself. i dont know either. perhaps when the next impt person came along, i wld haf the answer?

friday. sweet o friday.

hhahaha. being a working adult makes me crave for fridays so damn much, cuz i can finally be united with my favourite love(beer). and jus sleep till the sun comes out w/o having to wry abt being late for anything.


tt said, i pretty much wasted time and money to "study" at starbucks ytd since... u noe, their drinks are expensive as shit and nope i didn see any familiar face tt can trigger some memories in my head. lOl. wad was i expecting actually. anw to top it off, i didn bring enuf materials to study. i was literally jus dying to go home and voila, i went home jus like tt. w/o going out with ppl, w/o studying, w/o achieving anything.


as ive jus told myself to stop trying so hard, yea i did stop trying. n i think im... did a pretty okay job. so yea.


today im gonna try to grasp happiness by throwing in a bunch of money again. well, i shldn be looking forward to it tho, i shld jus thnk of having fun with frens and not other stuff, perhaps tt way i wont be disappointed no matter wad.

unsatisfied.

am still not satisfied with myself atm. workwise, lifewise.


of cause im still not able to remb everything taught, and im slowly getting a little less humble.jus slightly, and i am totally not doing an awesome job. i still have lots to work on, so yup. ill keep tt in mind.


life wise....i duno, i meant, im slowly starting to realize tt the things i did, the things i wanted to do previously, was pretty plain dumb. even tho i cld justify it as, oh it was jus because of circumstance, pressure, and all.. uh no. not justifiable. so i rly needa wake up my idea.


i guess i was trying too hard to prove tt im desirable, even tho it seems otherwise. im jus trying too hard to comfort my empty heart tt "hey, u're still wanted by somebdy on this world" haha. wad a joke eh?
nope, no. mayb i mightve been impt to someone before, but the me now, am nth but a weak existance in this world. theres no more power to my name, there is, nth left. all im left with is a human body, sitting down there and being kind of a burden to other ppl. and im an existence in which, even if i simply disappear w/o a trace in the nxt moment, it doesnt rly matter at all.


but. that is not wad i want.


so how? wad else can i do. instead of working harder than i am now and being nicer to ppl and trying harder to forge those 'worthless' bonds with the ppl ard me such tt i can actually become something, jus, something, at least an image in ppl's mind and not jus smth tt doesnt rly matter even if i dont exist.


my only goal is to be better than myself today, and keep growing and keep learning. such tt the current container will no longer be able to hold me, and ill go into a bigger container and keep growing, and changing containers, and growing.
*if u noe wad im trying to imply, if not, think harder. heheheheh tts it for now. needa exercise.

strength.

so it was jus like any other day where i was waiting with the rest of the commuters at a bus stop. trying my best to squeeze into a fully packed bus, trying to maintain my balance and not to fall throughout the whole journey.


lots of negative thoughts were going through my mind, like cursing at the government, swearing at the middle aged lady beside me, those foreigners who were flooding into my homeland and adding to the congestion problem. then a thought came to me, i am here with them because i am not strong enuf to break away from them.


the weak cannot live alone and hence they gather in groups in order to survive. im blaming others for the discomfort tt i haf to live through but in fact, i shldve blamed myself for not being a high flyer, a person with good grades, a person who managed to make wise investment choices that could make me soar above the others ard me.


i am no different from the rest of them. i am but a sheep being herded in this enclosure, jus living through day in and out w/o much thoughts about wad i can do to break out of these chains of social norms tt are slowly constricting me.


yes. i shld keep this in mind and keep getting better, getting stronger and rise, instead of giving myself excuses and slowly blending into the crowd as just "one of them"


jiayou k?

Limited resources. Unlimited wants

if I'm not wrong, it's been...3 weeks.? K effectively abt 2.5 weeks and I've been starting proper work for abt a week. Much has been learnt, much still required learning. Rating for my performance thus far?

Poor.

In a sense I didn manage to remb everything tt was taught, everything tt I've did before, where everything is. I duno. I duno. I duno. Tt sucked pretty much, and I feel like I've pretty much been more of a burden than a help. Anddd, ya. I'm RLY sorry to tt lady who's sitting beside me and I can feel tt someday soon, she might jus disregard my existence in whole and leave me to rot or smth lol.

Got my pay ytd and was rly pretty happy, it's my first paycheck after all, but it also meant tt for abt 2.5 YEARS, I've gotta start paying off my debt and it ain't a rly nice thing to know.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well yea. Jus some random thoughts tt I wanted to pen down somewhere. I know I've repeated these a million times and yes, I'm gonna say it again.

This world is rly cruel, while at the same time beautiful. Perhaps it's because of the cruelty tt lurks at in every corner in this world, u get to b rly thankful for the little beautiful things in life. As I tot tt my world is gonna start becoming beautiful, I realized tt I thought wrong. Wonderful things in life don't jus come into ur way, u gotta fight for it. And when u finally got it, u gotta cherish it. For its so gonna slip through ur fingers the moment u loosen ur grip and wad would be left of it? A life of regrets.


Haha had some cool stuff I wanted to pen down but... Can't find any nice place to slip it in this post. Ah wells, I'll jus put it in the next one. Meanwhile, let's hope tt I can haf fun tonight.. I suppose I rly earned it.

Chaoyi

Slowly but surely, more ppl are gonna be hearing this name, not like im gon get famous and shit, but, my job requires me to interact with ppl and when they needed someone to push the blame to, that name will come in handy.

It's...about 2 full weeks since I've started and prolly the 3rd day tt Ive started proper. I can say I didn do a gd job, and I'm jus forgetting things here and there and it's pretty frustrating to everyone. Friday is coming, and I am rly looking forward to weekends now. Lol but nope nope nope, I mus enjoy working, if not it's so gonna be painful to stay there for a year or 2. And to love my job, I needa do.. 2 things? Be good at it, and love the ppl there.

I'll work hard on these 2 aspects and I'll bear in mind tt "it's a new environment and I have to prove myself, while at the same time being nice to the ppl ard me."

fatigue

mm. yea so i woke up today and thought to myself. why did i feel so fked up ytd, i guess its fatigue kicking in. not being able to slp the night b4 had made me mega pissed, mega tired, and mega sensitive to shits.


work has been... quite fked up to say. as i predicted, there are loads of things which i cant handle on my own. loads of issues in which i screwed up, and loads of things, tt i haf not the slightest idea of wad the heck they are talking abt.


nonetheless, i hope tt i didn fare too poorly for a first timer, and i hope tt i will improve and be better in terms of my articulation and my hearing skills, lol. i srsly tend to zone out SO much. i guess its jus a habit tt got in-built into me.
yup ill work harder. ill needa wake up my freaking idea. lets go.


anw lets talk abt life.


i didn noe if i'd mentioned it ytd, was feeling rly rly down for some reason ( im guessing its fatigue lOL) and was rly hoping tt there is someone who's gonna lend me a shoulder to rest my head on. erms even though it sounds kinda gay but lol, once in a while, i think a guy wld want to rest his head on a girl too? prolly some patting on my back and telling me to "work harder" would help. 
BUT!! yup, tt didn happened , and i jus got through it on my own. which... in some sense pretty sad but i would say, its pretty good to have these moments too. if there is always someone for u to rely on whenever u're down, u bcome dependent. u slowly start to feel tt " ah i cant live w/o tt person" which is totally untrue since, biologically, we aint parasites so yup, we can actually live pretty well on our own.


hahah does it sound like im just trying to make myself feel better? mayb i am, but i do think tt there are some truth in tt as well.
so yup. ill try my best to cheer myself up, and if possible, i wld love to be able to cheer other ppl up as well.
tt shall be my short-term goal? to be a bright person and make other ppl's life better.

myself.

objectively speaking, it shld be because of the fact tt ive been poisoning my brother in my own mind these days, tt led to me being displeased with alot of things and finally led to me being rly pissed with the things he does. Attaching other intentions tt he might have to his actions, perhaps these intentions that i tot he had were jus fabrications produced in my mind and got attached to it unintentionally.


but of cause, how can u be so sure that the person nxt to u, wont be the one to stab u at ur final moments. especially when tt person had said such nasty things behind ur back and even to ur face.


i guess i sincerely needa either, stop trusting other ppl and depend on my strong will to get me through life, or, simply trust them and then take whatever tt may come head on.


which is the right choice? nobody knows.


anw this is a good time for a beer and jus rot the night away tt cld possibly make me happier, since.. the only one who understand me is me, and the one i can trust is me as well.
heh duh, like which man can live as a lone island in this wide world with 6 or 7 billion other ppl? perhaps not. he'll die, no matter how strong he is, mentally or physically.


im having tt heavy feeling, where i felt like talking to somebdy, and realizing tt theres nobdy. but wells, its prolly better tt way, tt way i wont have to show my weakness to other ppl and let ppl use it to exploit my feelings later.




am i twisted or wad.


bla. im gonna be fine. im cy anw. hahahah yea =)

The promised new life.

its been a week.? And I wld say I'm barely fitting in. There's so much shit to rmb, so little time, so little concentration on my side and tt sucked. I'm supposed to do a lot of reading and work hard for this chance to prove myself. But I think I'm slowly doing otherwise. Arhhhh. Buck up buck up. And yea Im always so tired when I reached home. Zzz literally.

New life?
Perhaps it is, and I intended to bid farewell to whatever past which was still hanging in my mind, which... I tried to do. While not expecting smth else to come for me. Lol. Tt was pretty stupid tho, and some impeccable timing, when I needed someone by my side and, I pray tt i wld not repeat the same mistake tt I did 2years ago, that caused me to suffer so much just to correct my mistake last year. Hence I rly needa keep tt in mind and yea, don't fall into tt trap again.


friends? haha so i pushed u aside and hoped to get by this boring period on my own, and i guess i wasnt strong enuf, i needed friends to support me. and thank CY for being such a nice person in general tt a friend wld be nice enuf to haf dinner with me.


sighh.. how fragile friendships are, they could just chuck u aside once they thought tt they no longer haf any use for u. its... so disgusting and at the same time real, and i cant even disagree to tt fact tt im actually the same breed as those ppl and i dont rly haf the right to whine abt them. so... yups. i have to live with it.


while at the same time remembering the fact tt im still tt poor dude whos so full of debt and glad tt someone is actually willing to take him in. i am nothing. and i am not a great person whos flawless, instead, im a man whos full of fked ups, who went through a hell load of hardships, and if im not careful, i wld be banished back to tt hellhole which i somehow managed to crawl out frm.


wld u like to go back there dude? i guess the answer is no right? so yup,


remember all the insults/hardships u've been throught, the ppl who were nice, the ppl who left u on ur own.. yea... rmb them well and keep it in mind. it will be useful in future.


lets work harder cy =)