No Heart for this.(distrator)

Yes I know there ain't a word distractor, or is there.? Anw, I think I'd been trying and trying and trying to write an entry of tt title since... Couple of weeks ago I Guess. And it didn't happen, jus cause my bro always had to pop by and disrupt my {soul searching} my {me} time.

Yea. So tts wad happened.. For bout,3 times.? Right. Anw perhaps it's gd tt I didn write anything here since whenever I'm writing an entry here, it's most likely abt smth sad. Hah. Nonetheless, yea so here's one entry tt doesn't contain much emotions. In fact, it doesn't rly contain any contents as well.

Heh. Right. So let's jus sum it up as I'm still alive and kicking and... Tho life kinda sucked right now, I'll live through it

to believe in love.

people told me to believe in love. believe that even I will see it one day. have... I ever? I aint too sure tho haha. I mean physical attraction yea but love.. perhaps nope ya.

I mean, it seems that everyone else were able to experience love but me, and why is that so. I think I'm not much different than the others. in fact I would like to think tt I'm nt all tt bad loL. but wells. how can I believe in something which I don't even see. perhaps this lovey lovey thing is created by a computer matrix and all "living things" that I'm seeing right now are simply programs or rather a created image to see how I would react to different situations. and heck my main body is actually in another dimension ,sleeping.

well I extracted tt above from the movie :"Matrix" lol, haha its a really crazy movie tt actually....kinda screws its viewers in their mind.

ah.. well pardon my random rants, simply needed to write something here to prevent brain from rotting off.

hmm yea anw, how... do u expect me to believe in love. when it only seems like smth that only other ppl have.

the change in myself

had intended to blog abt something but mind is in a blank.

perhaps the thing is that I noticed myself repeating the same mistakes over and over and over and over tt prolly kills attraction. haha but well I cant help being myself yea?

so tts wad I am like, a joker who goes randomly crazy and being nice to ppl while keeping a distance. trying to act all noble and all. ppl just don't notice my efforts and well the others always gets the good stuff. hahaa...... so wad am I supposed to do? if only I can jus change just like that.

ah. ran outta stuff to write about... will be back later to update if possible lol

dashed (the end of dreams)

my bday is over. and as i'd expected, it was neither good nor bad. ok minus away the presents that were totally not in my wishlist..... ah, I shldn be such a dick and rly go whine abt it yea? since it is the thought tt counts. but.. argh lol

anw it was kinda nice that I actually got a week of leave (even though im the one who applied for it and if there is someone to thank its actually myself lol) and I actually lived in a pretty chill life for a week.. which is nice as it seems tt ive been so tied down by work that I didn manage to do all the small little things that makes living living. lol if u noe wad I meant.

Am blogging from work now as im pretty darn bored doing night shift.

smth strange happened just now. my heart was downed. for a while. I guess I jus liked competition. I simply react when I realise that there is competition in which I shldn have reacted.

I suppose my heart shld have settled down right now as I.. sincerely wonder why did I even felt tt way jus now. Jealousy? Envy? I don't understand myself at all. I suppose im jus an incarnation of envy, I want wad other ppl want to have (or wad ppl already have) I feel satisfaction when I actually won in a competition but.. in many cases... I simply failed. pathetically. and perhaps tts y im always hurt.

perhaps I shld rly take note of this and actually shun away from competitions. haha tt wil prolly make me look less like a fool

sorry for actually.. u noe, making my heart flutter. ill try not to anymore.

celebration

after one week of leave and chilling and all... its my bday again!


so I was looking through last year's blogpost and these were the 3 wishes I made.
1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me

hmm, point 1... I guess I have a job now, tho it kinda sucked but, its kinda achieved (yay), meeting up with old frens... lemme jus list them,

ive met cj, Daniel, soonhwee, zongting,sJ.... perhaps tts all? lol I didn manage to meet all of them but oh yea I did met up with my uni OG grp ppl.. so I guess tts also a step forward?

point 2.... well yea.

point 3! okay, at least ive got a job and ive got my beer with me. so I suppose tts cool? uh of cuz shit still happens but... well yea. I'm CY.

mmm. quite a fair bit of shit happened, and ive jus gotten news this morning that my uncle jus... u noe... and its pretty sad cuz it happened so suddenly. and it rly set me thinking

1) ive had a dream this morning that.... u noe, I tot I heard his voice or smth and I tot to myself... "it cant be...its jus a dream" and then the nxt thing I knew, I got notified of tt news. well.. of cuz, scientifically, if the situation is not optimistic, then tt wld have happened with a great probability. and since there is a great probability of it happening, the fact tt it actually happened the way in which my brain expected it to is really normal and coincidental.

but of cuz, ppl cld argue tt "hey its supernatural" and all but... well there are insufficient proof for tt theory.

2) if I were the one in my cousin's shoes... how will I react. of cuz logically, the first thing would be the fking cost of the whole hospitalization. and secondly... connections with other human gives u strength , but it also brings u down when tt person is no longer present, so yea, ill most likely be down for quite a while and all argh.

we are only able to make objective and logical decisions when we are not emotionally attached to another individual. relationship with other ppl is actually a double edged sword u see.. it gives u strength to carry on in tough times when the other person is actually there for u but.... it rly brings u down if u are no longer able to have tt person with u.

so... what do u think? is it better to be connected to other human or not. do u believe if it is coincidence or izzit a supernatural happening.

nonetheless..... happy bday to me!! =))

tho its highly unlikely but can I jus pray for miracles to happen? since its my bday and all... I shall pray for the impossible and be hopeful for the day

lock em up.

went down the memory lane today, (kind of...?) went back to school and walked ard a little to check out what changed and what diddn.

did quite abit of thinking today, which is prolly...good? ive always wanted to go back to the days where the the fond memories were? but in fact... time had moved on, ppl did, so should I. how could I forget the times where things went downhill, how cld I jus say it with a straight face "Lets go back to those times again" while thinking that things will  get better.

hah. I'm such a joke while at the same time such a jerk. anyways, I shld be like everyone else and keep moving on. Memories are for us to recall and smile at, not for us to head towards. Keep moving, keep creating new memories, stop trying to turn back time. in this case, true happiness might be achievable. even for someone like me :)

still thankful for all the little lame things tt I am able to do due to this break. will try my best to live for the moment and enjoy every second of it. Even if ppl might feel tt I am wasting time.. well, they are free to haf their own perspective.

So do I.


lets lock up those memories in a place only I know, and... try not to look at it yea? yes.

wanderhate

well... its tentatively day 4? of my precious leave and wad did I spent it on.. hmm jus chilling off and attempting to study? tho its not very effective but... well at least it kinda feels tt I'm back in the game heh.

ppl often ask me, why did I chose to stay in Singapore despite having a week of off. well the answer is... I guess Ive got more than enuf things to do in Singapore such that I don't see a need to get the hell outta this place for now??

haha tho its kinda not fulfilling nowadays since... I aint got no more spare to use.. Ill make do yea? this will prevent me having to go thru the extra effort to cut off tt lady out of my life. so... this loneliness... ill make do with it for now??

anw yup. Ive still got a few more things to do.. time to take them all off my checklist. :)

"why does it seem like you're tryin so hard to be 'cool' ?? do u know that u're alrdy awesome jus the way u are. or rather, the way u were."

unfair.

started my day pretty lightly as I tried taking the "express bus" and argh, lets not talk abt it. lol its slow as shit.

anw had an awesome breakfast and things started going downhill. work related stuff jus cant get its ass outta my leave. and heck, its biting my ass tight for almost the whole day. sigh.

well, I'm kinda feeling better now that I've had some beer and all. that aside, lets... talk about today.

so I cut my hair, went out with my mother to explore that place in which she always wanted to explore, and ooh mmann.... seeing all those places reminds me of you, its funny isn't it? its been well over one freaking year and here I am reminiscing about the past, hmm saw many places in which you wld prolly go like "woaHhh" and feel happy about but now, I'm here, with my mum. damn. LOL

I kept thinking to myself that yes, I did the right thing but nonetheless, whenever I'm feeling so damn lonely, I can do nth but curse. To curse the god which I hated so much, what have I done to deserve this.

I.. only wanted to love someone why is it so hard.. for a person like me.

aw fk it. tonight I'm going crooked. :))

Infinite dream

Had a pretty, nice or bad dream.? it was about someone who was in my life long ago. the dream went smth like I happened to see u and u ran after me, and held me in ur arms.

then I had the same thought again. "should I stay with you for good? should I push you away? I am feeling happy now but will I regret my decision later??"

and I woke up.

yea, if I'm still having such doubts even after all these time, I believe that I rly did make the right choice then.
Nonetheless, I'm starting my 1 week leave effectively today

so yay: this marks the beginning of the 9days of life.

that XX

happened to chance upon this song, pretty interesting that is.
" How is that bastard better than me"

Hmm its been a pretty uneventful week which is nice, in which I'm rly hoping that it would've been like this all year long.
and woots, my bday is coming and I'm guessing that it will most likely end like how my every other bdays these years did. lol. hmm tt kinda sucked but... ill get by, whats new anw. lol

well unknowingly my bday is coming again soon, how time flies yeah? anw, I guesss it ill be fine. Just hope tt my heart goes strong and ill just um, live like normal =)


u didn't ask, u didn cared and so I didn't as well
\

the boy's brown hair

though it seems like nth, but well, I actually dyed my hair recently.

but I suppose it kinda have some meaning behind it. firstly, I've kept my black hair because,
(1) u guys haven't seen me having black hair before? heh. I seldom had black hair then.
(2) I am gonna start caring more about how I look. hah.

perhaps its a good sign, that I'm moving on forward more, I'm less attached to the past, nonetheless, I would always think of u ppl every now and then, but... I had already accepted the fact. accepted that its all over. long long long over.

so yup. cheers to tomorrow. cheers to the loads of shit tt I cant clear :)))

alma's karma.

so... what have I done today? hmmm went to coronation plaza to " attmpt studying" but... well its not very effective. Plus, I didn manage to see any erms ok, didn manage to see any familiar faces which kinda made tt trip a waste?? heh. so while I was outside, I looked at all those ppl hanging out, couples, friends everywhere. while I'm all by myself...what have I done to deserve this kind of solitude? was it because tt I'm not frenly by nature? was it because I actually cut off ppl whos not impt to me a couple of years back? well...I guess ive always did the right thing. so even if its caused by my,...... asssholeness, mmm ok fine ill admit tt its due to my fault. Right, so how can I ever solve it? how can I ever solve this problem?? by when?? LOL. I guess I don't have that many LONNGGG weekends to waste time like this. and argh, what am I gonna do for my bday this year. I don't think I have enuf time to make a difference now lol, less than a month left and by the way things are rolling, I can pretty much predict wads gon happen lol, nothing. gotta have to rot my ass away and emo-ing again. ZZZZ I suppose its just my karma, and its biting me in the ass right now. tho its hard at times like this, ill prevail. yes I will, well, I don't think I've seen anyone actually dying of boredom so its fine yea? anw good to know the truth, like haha don't like being not in the know u see. *heave ho*, lets go cy, time to kick some ass

lets not fall in love.

nth special, just a song, lets not fall in love. so many parts of the song described my thoughts back then.
" Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes But I really mean it when I say I like you If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad"

in a sense this reminds me of the me previously but... well, I'm different now. I suppose. hahaha the barrier that I've set up ard me was so strong tt it actually worked rly well in terms of repelling ppl away from me. which is pretty nice as I think Ive successfully filtered out a lot of those superficial ppl who I wont need to keep in touch with? those who just acts sociable/friendly and all for the sake of acting like it. hah. reducing such contact actually makes reduce the negativity I have for this world in which im living in.

I guess ppl ard me feel tt I've lost interest in woman, since im always indifferent or rather, cold towards them. haha well not to worry tho, im very sure tt my sexual orientation is still.. very normal lol but well, its just tt im rly afraid of getting hurt. like wad was presented previously "if I get attached to you, ill get sad."
ahh..well well.


lets not fall in love.

feeling nothing

still feeling nothing. I suppose that is a good thing. for ive felt rly horrible previously, like rly rly horrible to the point whereby feeling nth right now seems to be some sort of mercy for my miserable life.


been feeling shitty whenever I had to go to work and always had issues where ppl felt tt my job is easy as shit. well.... I don't know, but if I aint the one doing it, I wldve thought so too. and now it is up to me to spring board out from this place whenever its possible. not tt I'm a quitter, but.... well, a man gotta aim high, and especially for a man like me who tend to bow down to emotions at times, I haf to work doubly hard such tt I wont stay in a place where I shldn be staying like before.( KAP)


yes. ive gotta keep improving myself, not jus the me at work, and also the me outside of work such tt I can climb up the ladder and one day be proud to announce my designation out loud.

as usual.

u noe my name, u dont know me.
i want you to know me, i dont want you to know me.
i want you to know my story, i dont want to tell you about me.


haha this contradiction, does anyone else face it? met up with my uni frens this evening, the group in which i've cut off for about a year or 2? hahaa well, as promised(to myself) ive somehow decided to join them in their outing this time around. awkwardly i just appeared, trying my best not to get myself into the spotlight of their q&a session.


well i guess i did quite a good job to appear unfriendly and unapproachable and all but well... tt wasnt wad i intended to do but..... okayyy.. it ended up tt way so ill jus take it.


seeing them again reminded me of the me a couple of months back, where i felt so fked up, where i had no cheek to meet other ppl. when i was such a letdown.


haha not tt im anything awesome now, but i suppose i shld stop hiding from other ppl? i shld have the courage to face other human beings and u noe, live like a normal person too.


today was pretty normal, still hoped that there would be ppl interested in knowing me, to the point whereby i wld be willing to drop the wall ive built. =)
the day will come, where someone would happen to try open the gate tt ive set up, and tt time comes, ill let her in, and she'll see the whole of me.


i promise.

feeling okay.

was feeling kinda okay. like normal. despite having ppl leaving here and there, theres not much emotions going on inside me.


Mayb its due to the fact that I've maintained my distance, mayb its cause of the fact tt im colder than b4. mayb mayb but its good tt i dont feel anything. for im rly sick of hurting.


this weekend's gonna be packed full of programs so, yup something to look forward to? yes weekend, im gonna claw my way over right now.

Sober

Being sober is hard for me
Being sober is the thing I hate most.


trying to escape the cycle of worklife that im stucked in. trying my best to escape from my reality. but well, its a circle, a mean cycle.
so where did i stop last time, ohh about a colleague leaving soon. haha, ive always told my frens that "hey dont wry, im gonna take it slow" cause i thought that time will be on my side. it came as a shock but it shouldn shake me much since i took the safe route. i chose to keep my distance anddd i guess it would have been the right choice. It may b an end, while it may have been a perfect opportunity as well. but nonetheless, i think tt it will all jus come to a naught and ill prolly be broken if i stepped in further.


its all pretty good right now? since it finally seems that i no longer cared for anyone else other than myself. Each time i cared about other ppl always resulted in me getting hurt and all. so... yup. thats good thats good.


im approaching my goal, to be an emotionless dude. im on my way.

i dont love you.

i dont, love you. i dont even... know you that well. so....i cant explain that hurt tt i am feeling right now. why.


perhaps i was jus caught by surprise, i..just thought tt i cld take it slow and all but.... heh
life.


it nv turns out the way we wanted.. i've always thought tt "yea ive still got time and all, ill take it slow. but argh, turns out, no, im outta time."


that kinda.. make me feel sad but.. lets... buck up cy. u promised urself not to haf a heart.

please stop.

please stop dreaming. please stop trying. please stop doing things tt u shldn do.


switching in between characters is soOooo.. one moment ill be doing this, and another im regretting that.


couple of lame stuff weighing my mind down. lots of things tt i shldn be bothered with is trying their best to bother me. ahh.life.




im gonna be fine, im gonna be fine, jus needed to just, dont concern myself with every single thing tt is happening around me.

life is never fair

am currently chilling and wasting my time away in starbucks. theoretically am supposed to study and u noe, make my weekend so god damn productive, until i realised that i forgot to bring along my financial calculator. lol.....=_= well nonetheless, will prolly continue when i get home,

going backwards, came down to study on thur as well, but was mega distracted by all the thingies hanging ard me. haha was just seeing how all these people always hang out in pairs makes me kinda uncomfortable. well i dont know, i kept thinking abt how life has been unfair and how i shld have been able to be with someone i'd love and be all so happy and all. uhhh in a sense i can say i chose this life. but to be honest, i jus didn manage to meet someone who is worth me giving up all my freedom for( and would give up hers for me) LOL,. thats the harsh truth.

perhaps someday i just might get lucky, perhaps someday i might jus give in to desperation, perhaps, i'd jus live and die alone. nobody knows wad future has for us so... i suppose i shld jus keep living like this, and jus... wait? okok
Love is but overrated, to be precise, its simply... nature. You're attracted to someone goodlooking, smart, well-built, strong,perhaps..err wealthy? its natural selection at its best, those with better genes were able to reproduce, (wealth will prolly add to the factor? since wealth can be passed on to the nxt generation lol) its all natural for humans, as a living species to desire evolution. with the better genes passed on, and the lower quality genes to die off, whats left will be a next generation of better species, smarter, stronger, wealthier? human beings.

hahahah all those strange thoughts crowding my mind. well well, tts a good way to let my mind getaway from all those work related stuff anw. :))

heave ho. going back to study.


we came to this world alone, and will most probably leave this world alone too. So why do we work so hard to connect to other people and search so hard for "another half"? i dont have the answers now, perhaps ill be able to answer this mystery and help other people understand too.