braving through the storms.

what would you do when its raining and you still want to reach your destination as soon as possible, while not having an umbrella with you.

I moved forward.

while I do get wet in the process, while ppl may think that I'm stupid. but well, I feel satisfied.

ahh I rly do love the rain after all.

anw yea, I'm outta alternatives. I'm outta choices. no more backups plans and now, I'm on my own. heh

Home late.

i do want to go home early but somehow i can't.

I do want to get a life too but I can't.

 Can u just lemme get a life pls.?

funny

funny how things can change, time has passed, and how some things remain the same. had intended to drag my ass out for no gd reason other than breathing in fresher(nt really) air and the same scenario had to happen again.

having the bus 67 moving off right in front of my eyes and after waiting and making the xtra effort to move on to another bus stop to get other bus services, the nxt bus 67 came. -_-

yup so here I am now. blending in to the crowd with my laptop and a cup of coffee doing nth much heh. um, yea I just wanted to relive those days wher I was a student. just chilling out and trying to study, but wait, Im still ard tt age yea? zzZZzz k fine. even saying tt I look tt age is kind of a stretch.

I sincerely hope that my positivity can last.
I will not feel unhappy for a while.
I will be happy and will be able to take on any challenge posed to me without any problems.
I will be able to smile to the ppl I do not like.

ahh I will be happy.

Trip.

I need to calm down, I needa chill out.

and so I happened to join some ppl for a trip. I would say I'm rly srsly not a traveling type of person, especially with ppl I'm nt rly close with.

well. I wldnt say tt I'm totally unhappy abt the whole experience while being rly thankful for being invited, but I'm not rly enjoying anw.
but ok rly, its rly a pretty gd experience to remove myself frm the annoying lifestyle I'm having and trying smth new for once. so, yea ok, cool.


im back and enjoying my leave. and after a few days off frm my workplace, im sincerely feeling the positivity flowing back into me, ive always felt frustrated, drained, unhappy and also a myriad of other negative emotions. I have none of them now. perhaps it is them spreading the negativity to me unknowingly, perhaps it is me being in tt situation which makes me negative.

I.. am rly curious abt how positive I can be now and I even kinda like myself more these few days. hmm, but im pretty sure that this wld not last long. ill have to get back into tt dark hole again nxt week.

heh. we'll see how it goes then.


I think I kinda know what moving on means now. Even if I still think of you, even if I still want to be with you and the fond memories engraved in my mind will still bring a smile to my face.

I will not try to move towards you.
ive probably finally moved on.

expectations

i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

now tt I think back, wad is the reason for being angry, why do I have to be unhappy, I might have thought tt I'm someone great, I'm rly good at my job. in fact, I'm lacking in many ways, so why am I thinking tt I'm so perfect. heh.

so yea, y do I have to keep my expectations so high, well its not very high but perhaps just higher than wad I actually deserve.

I should just be grateful for wadever I have, whatever I'm given and make do with them. as long as I don't have to stay in the streets or have to stay hungry, I should be glad. I shld be happy.

I should stop expecting gd things to come my way.

Really sick.

putting in hard work and not recognised. Finding out my own flaws. I don't Noe anymore, I work hard, I worked smart, but it doesn't seem to be enuf.

then I remembered the reason why I had always not gave my best in the things I do previously, because hard work doesn't really pay. and given for my case, after working hard, giving my all, I wld only get disappointment in return, well... if only disappointment was the only thing I got back. nope. ive got so much more, losing my confidence, losing my temper, losing my happiness, my hope for the future.

I can pick up and go, or choose to stay and fight. There are no correct answers or right choices, whatever I choose wld just not work out anw.


ahhh.. I do not want to go back into that world, tt world whereby I keep fighting for smth with no end in sight, with no rewards, with no ending.

moved on.

so its 6:05 am and I'm kinda tired but not sleepy. must be due to the caffeine overdose from starbucks and all.

everyone moved on, even I did. but I guess moving on doesn't mean you forget abt all the fond memories before, its accepting tt those times will not return. Perhaps also with a tiny bit of hoping you could somehow get in touch again but of cuz, no actions will be done. cuz they've moved on, and their definition should be different from mine.

so... work. am I good at it? no I don't think so. am I better than them? perhaps not. I don't know. I'm slowly consumed by my ego again and I'm telling myself tt I'm so damn good and I can judge ppl. no man. you aint half as good as u think u are.

so yea wake up dude. ure still tt same old shithead as u always were.

Cruel.

Day in and out, I've always tried my best to complete whatever task tt had been given to me. I do not know if I am appreciated but at least, I am able to answer to myself, tt I rly tried, hard.

Disappointment of not getting the results tt I'd desired, I do not know know why am I still so affected by it. Hasn't this happened so many times? Haven't I gotten used to it.? Why can't I jus face it with a smile and let it Breeze through.?

Isn't this world just unbearably cruel.

I must try to smile even in times of hardship. I will smile to failure, to ppl I do not like, to things that I'm not happy with, because a smile, could be the most disguise tt one can don

mine.

我已经没有不能说的秘密, 我不具名的悲傷也已经不痛了.

It is not the Time To love and no, I'm no longer Still into you.

its is time for me to embrace a new beginning, as we venture into a new chapter. being sad and all for so bloody long is too embarrassing and I'm gonna have to stick with my plan.

this is my life, I will choose how to live it.

getaway.

Am on a short getaway trip right now, tho I didn rly asked for it. It's funny how only when I'm ripped away frm my normal routine tt I get to start thinking.
Well, thinking abt life, abt u, and also abt nth, simply breaking away frm my mundane working lifestyle.

I'd been thru good times, and bad times. Many good news and many bad news, which i wldve loved to share with somebody. but well, there seems to have been no one left.

this reservist, had been pretty useful, tho not looking forward to it but it did manage to get me out of my comfort zone and live like someone else for a while.

so here I'm gonna sign off as Sgt Er. Peace out.



And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back
Maybe you should know that
......
And I've been so caught up in my job
Didn't see what's going on

distance.

as the days pass, my emotions grow more distant.

Happiness, is smth I haven't felt in a long while, in exchange for the monthly salary, I believe I had lost something that is essential for a human being.

being in love with someone, having a hobby, appreciating somebody, hanging out with friends, shopping for something tt I liked, going for dates. None of those seems impt to me right now as I am looking forward to weekend drinking sessions and simply, just staying myself and playing random games.

I don't know anymore, I am lazy to go after ppl, (not tt theres anyone for me to go after anw) but.. is tt a gd enuf reason?

Can I use that excuse for all eternity? well.......... yea I've gotta change soon.. like.... soon? heh.

victor n loser.

History is written by victors against the losers.
I don't love u so theres no basis for me to dislike him. I sincerely believe that this is done by my prideful self, that me who wants to win in everything, the one who wants to have everything.

Well, if I didn get part in the race I wont lose, if I don't set myself as a competitor, I wont...yeah. ok anw, yes. I should have the right mindset as a loser yes? to be able to congratulate and feel happy for someone who did well in smth else. To look at myself and try to uds why I lost, and why wld someone win. heh. ok fine I guess ive nv had the guts to admit tt ive lost, perhaps tts y I didn get to win.

if im making any sense at all. well will edit it again later.

life.
life.

Well, at least ive got enuf to spend, at least ive got a roof over my head. Things cldve been so much worse than wad I have now. are u gonna ask me to be satisfied? heh no. We have to accept wad we had achieved with pride, but its not a sin to crave for more.

instead of simply working and working and working.. I needa break outta this cycle. I needa.. get back on track yes?

right CY is always right.

Stimulation

i no longer rmb how Long it's been, where i felt my heart flutter, with happiness and excitement plus nervousness. Looking forward to seeing someone, thinking of where we shld go for meals, wad shld we do after that.
Nth much changed bout my life and well, I just thought tt I shld document smth down frm time to time. Heh, for my own reference later on. Anw, yup as I'm currently on my way to work, I'll just end with smth quick to the future me.

Pls rmb this moment where u felt so dead. When someone appears who made u feel alive again, grab hold of her and don't let her go.

Bring me back to life.

I wanted to find someone to have dinner tgt. I cant seem to find a suitable candidate. the year is ending and I wanted to do smth special, just... smth... but nope I cant think of anything interesting to do.

Had I forgotten how to live due to the fact tt I'm in night shift? I think not. I think ive forgotten how to live since I decided to leave. I mean, its sad but I'm supposed to have a better life but I'm not, and this is bullshit.

Will do a year end review... on 31st Dec since I think ive got a lot of time heh. anw yea I must not feel like this when the new year comes. I must find back my way of life, as a human, and not just being stucked in this endless cycle of regret.

if we ever meet again

If we ever, ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
If we ever meet again
I won't let you go away


would I? I don't know. but one thing tt is definite is that, I'll never be the same. So would you.

Why not we just put down our pride and come together again.

ok fine. we'll just keep revolving our own life until fate bring us tgt again, that story would've been more beautiful, and perhaps less painful.

yea ok lets do tt.

I've forgotten

was just walking ard looking for breakfast. And after breakfast I'll go and slp, after tt I'll jus wake up for lunch, den take an afternoon nap. And I'll have dinner b4 gg for work after.

I mean tts been my routine for a couple of weeks now, and I've got 2 weeks more to go. Well I was suddenly in the state of mind whereby I'd stopped thinking abt my other human needs, like a hobby, social life, etc. I think I've even forgotten tt I'm a human, I'm just a being who is capable of working in a call centre and working in the night shift, yea, tts all I rmb.

I Guess I will try my best to get back to being a human.. After this is over, if it ever will.

un appreciated.

be it relationship with other human beings, be it work related. I'm always unappreciated for all the efforts I'd put in.

this is sincerely depressing. is it because I am srsly not good enuf or, simply, unappreciated.

ahh.. effort, appreciation... if the equation does not balance, nature will find its way to make sure that it is balanced, since appreciation from others is harder to increase, the easiest thing to decrease would have been the effort put in.

ahhhhhh...



anw tt aside, I've been thinking abt... life? frens? heh, ive been hanging out with frens, laughing/pretending to laugh. am I happy? I don't know. its been a rly long while wher I cld laugh out rly happily w/o the influence of alcohol to the point where I don't even know how to anymore.

life. life.

the wedding.

went for a wedding again. well, didn get drunk today, which is a good thing but I guess ive got back quite abit of feels today.

 Feels.... Feels... well I don't think I wanna go into details today.


I am no longer that boy you knew, you are no longer that girl I thought I knew.

U no longer know me, I don't know u either.

when u rly get married shortly later, I wont be invited, but still, I'll wish u all the best, from the bottom of my heart.

sry I lied but ok. please be happy ok? and may our paths... nv cross again.

the void.

ive got this void inside. I guess I'm not the only one but I've yet been able to fill it since... how many years ago.

I mean, as far as I can recall, the void in me had been there since just before me entering uni? which was like 6 years ago I'm assuming. smth had felt so off but I was unable to identify tt then... until someone provided me with the correct term to describe it; empty.

Yes. i'd been hanging out with 'frens', widening my social circle, narrowing my social circle, trying to have fun as much as I can, spent a lot of time and money on stuff. Sometimes I was able to forget the emptiness, but as I reached home and lay on my bed, I remembered that I'm still empty.

I wonder if I wld ever be able to fill that hole, perhaps doing meaningful things in life would help filling it, like, u know, having a hobby, helping other ppl in life etc etc. but what exactly are MY meaningful things. I do noe that different ppl would view different things as meaningful. drinking? hanging out with real frens? hanging out with family? travelling to different countries to see a different world? heh. nope. I still cant get an answer from all these activities which i'd done.

argh I wld love to fill that void up soon. like... srsly. and if possible, fill other ppl's void as well.

realisation.

when u realized that ppl are so not interested in you. when, you tot you scored pretty well in other ppl's scoreboard but in fact you're nth.

how many times has it been, where I tot I did pretty ok but in the end, I jus fked up. I guess I'm just shitty tts why. and I sincerely wonder wher did all those self confidence came from. =|

so yea, had tried to visit starbucks a couple of times to study, in hope to see some familiar faces or smth to u know, try to reminisce the past.
but well, it is not only until 2 days ago tt I realized that I... am not looking for familiar faces. I am just waiting for u. heh. following the lead which I had 2 years ago, I thought if I kept gg there, I might just bump into you, and u know, perhaps we can jus get in touch again.

well yes, realization that the probability of tt happening is rly low, and even if in the minute chance that we happen to meet, would u jus walk away? would u sit down and jus chat like before? I don't know, good chance that u wld pretend u didn see me and jus walk away tho. lol

so yup, ive gotta let go of everything in the past. I gotta man up and be someone new, someone I wanted to become.