expect me.

Previously:

"i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

....
I should stop expecting gd things to come my way."

Now

I guess I tend to forget over time, tt I tot I am entitled to certain things which I'm actually not. in which this sense of entitlement actually make me into a lousier human being than I'm supposed to be.

what kind of expectation am I having now, who and what gave me the right to be judgemental and decide how I should act infront of different ppl.

I need to stop expecting good things to come my way and I need to stop thinking highly of myself.

I need to be a nicer human being.

Lets use this 1 week break to shove tt into my thick skull with no contents.

The strong

aint tt always the case? Where tough men fight the war while others are enjoying the peace.

I've been strong for so Long tt I'm looking forward to a decent closure.

ive also been alone for so long that I don't think tt I needed another person near me.

a wild dream to remind me tt I'm human, a...dream. that I need to wake up frm. I will not be stupid and I will find my own way to get a life this time ard.

world.

I'm sick of whining.

I'm sick of complaining

I'm. jus sick of this.

Life had nv been fair and why... am I always the victim of such unfairness. Of cuz there are ppl who are worse off than me. of cuz there are ppl who are struggling just to stay alive and all. but, why, cant I get on top.

this is tiring.

just give it to me will you? that happiness that I'm supposed to have since long ago. y are you keeping it away from me.

right. I'm me, my purpose here is jus so tt other ppl can feel better when they compare themselves to me.

yea. in fact of whining and complaining, I should just be the sucker and suck it all up and let other ppl shine.

Dead heart

i cannot remb the last time I'm able to say words of love to somebody, or rather devote myself to love someone.

it could be because of the lack of opportunity, it could be due to the fact tt I've forgotten how to live.

I'm meeting frens and I don't enjoy the company, I cant think of words to say to stay relevant. I am losing it, my social skills, slowly but surely.

well.... have I always been so lonely? have i always been this boring? i do not know and i guess i should change, somehow.

In comparison

I donned my formal shirt, work pants, leather belt, sprayed on some branded cologne. Put on my leather shoes, picked up my black briefcase that still reeks of leather and left house as per my normal routine. I got on the train and tried my very best to squeeze into the packed train heading towards the city area.

Damn. This nostalgic feeling, this feeling which came to me when I was commuting to sch years ago. "I'll nv get stuck here like a canned sardine again"

The same route, the same train, the same scenery, the boy changed. It's been 2 yrs, well it may be considered Long for some while not tt much different for someone who's still studying.

So much of me had changed. I wld not get to put on formal working attire on a daily basis then, the cologne, putting wax and all on my hair. I rly looked different now. Wld you still recognise me if u hadn't seen me since then.?
I was smone new to the working world, nt tt I'm a veteran now but, now I'm in control of ppl, playing those games tt adults play, some say tt I'm gd at it but I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time tho. I just take it as it comes, handle each situation as it slaps itself onto my face, I deal with it. While I tot tt i have responsibilities and I have did well in my work, I can't help but having this thought which often find its way to my mind on the darkest nights.

"What am I doing these for.?"

While trying to find the answer to tt qn, I got tired and I fell aslp.

When my alarm rung the next morning, I would spring out of my bed and don my formal shirt.....


- working CY

emotions

I believe that my emotions should have died off? but just as my heart thought tt hey, I got reminded of the fact tt I should kill all of my emotions.

So until the nxt person who happen to come along and wake me up again, I...should keep everything to myself. I must nt trust others, for the only one I can trust is myself.

isn't tt a very sad truth to be told?
it may be, but tt is the safest way out.

bad habit

looks like I can kick tt habit after all.

We shall stay as complete strangers frm nw on.

heh,i'd rly rly wanted to remove all of my regrets but I suppose I shld trust tt the me back den did the right thing. I had weighed all of pros and cons of the situation and I had made the best decision which led to the situation now.

mayb with tt in mind I wouldn't have to keep thinking abt the past and I will not keep being a nuisance to those who already got away.


Happiness does not belong to me.

I shld just live like this.

hello goodbye

how many times has it been. I cant remember since I aint keeping count. but so it seems that those that hangs out with me gets lucky. LOl. tho it aint cuz of me but it just happens. perhaps I give despair to ppl ard me that in turn motivates them to move outta their comfort zone and manage to grasp happiness.

I guess I shld.. also.. take a stronger approach before I start forgetting about love, about life.

Do take a step back from work yea? cy hee.

Backwards

As we kept trying to find happiness by moving forward, we would feel really disappointed when happiness seems nowhere in sight.

our human instinct would thus tell us to try looking backwards again, we must have just missed our happiness, it must be back there.

but then again, heh no. it will not be there.

so yup cy, keep moving forward. it will be there.

braving through the storms.

what would you do when its raining and you still want to reach your destination as soon as possible, while not having an umbrella with you.

I moved forward.

while I do get wet in the process, while ppl may think that I'm stupid. but well, I feel satisfied.

ahh I rly do love the rain after all.

anw yea, I'm outta alternatives. I'm outta choices. no more backups plans and now, I'm on my own. heh

Home late.

i do want to go home early but somehow i can't.

I do want to get a life too but I can't.

 Can u just lemme get a life pls.?

funny

funny how things can change, time has passed, and how some things remain the same. had intended to drag my ass out for no gd reason other than breathing in fresher(nt really) air and the same scenario had to happen again.

having the bus 67 moving off right in front of my eyes and after waiting and making the xtra effort to move on to another bus stop to get other bus services, the nxt bus 67 came. -_-

yup so here I am now. blending in to the crowd with my laptop and a cup of coffee doing nth much heh. um, yea I just wanted to relive those days wher I was a student. just chilling out and trying to study, but wait, Im still ard tt age yea? zzZZzz k fine. even saying tt I look tt age is kind of a stretch.

I sincerely hope that my positivity can last.
I will not feel unhappy for a while.
I will be happy and will be able to take on any challenge posed to me without any problems.
I will be able to smile to the ppl I do not like.

ahh I will be happy.

Trip.

I need to calm down, I needa chill out.

and so I happened to join some ppl for a trip. I would say I'm rly srsly not a traveling type of person, especially with ppl I'm nt rly close with.

well. I wldnt say tt I'm totally unhappy abt the whole experience while being rly thankful for being invited, but I'm not rly enjoying anw.
but ok rly, its rly a pretty gd experience to remove myself frm the annoying lifestyle I'm having and trying smth new for once. so, yea ok, cool.


im back and enjoying my leave. and after a few days off frm my workplace, im sincerely feeling the positivity flowing back into me, ive always felt frustrated, drained, unhappy and also a myriad of other negative emotions. I have none of them now. perhaps it is them spreading the negativity to me unknowingly, perhaps it is me being in tt situation which makes me negative.

I.. am rly curious abt how positive I can be now and I even kinda like myself more these few days. hmm, but im pretty sure that this wld not last long. ill have to get back into tt dark hole again nxt week.

heh. we'll see how it goes then.


I think I kinda know what moving on means now. Even if I still think of you, even if I still want to be with you and the fond memories engraved in my mind will still bring a smile to my face.

I will not try to move towards you.
ive probably finally moved on.

expectations

i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

now tt I think back, wad is the reason for being angry, why do I have to be unhappy, I might have thought tt I'm someone great, I'm rly good at my job. in fact, I'm lacking in many ways, so why am I thinking tt I'm so perfect. heh.

so yea, y do I have to keep my expectations so high, well its not very high but perhaps just higher than wad I actually deserve.

I should just be grateful for wadever I have, whatever I'm given and make do with them. as long as I don't have to stay in the streets or have to stay hungry, I should be glad. I shld be happy.

I should stop expecting gd things to come my way.

Really sick.

putting in hard work and not recognised. Finding out my own flaws. I don't Noe anymore, I work hard, I worked smart, but it doesn't seem to be enuf.

then I remembered the reason why I had always not gave my best in the things I do previously, because hard work doesn't really pay. and given for my case, after working hard, giving my all, I wld only get disappointment in return, well... if only disappointment was the only thing I got back. nope. ive got so much more, losing my confidence, losing my temper, losing my happiness, my hope for the future.

I can pick up and go, or choose to stay and fight. There are no correct answers or right choices, whatever I choose wld just not work out anw.


ahhh.. I do not want to go back into that world, tt world whereby I keep fighting for smth with no end in sight, with no rewards, with no ending.

moved on.

so its 6:05 am and I'm kinda tired but not sleepy. must be due to the caffeine overdose from starbucks and all.

everyone moved on, even I did. but I guess moving on doesn't mean you forget abt all the fond memories before, its accepting tt those times will not return. Perhaps also with a tiny bit of hoping you could somehow get in touch again but of cuz, no actions will be done. cuz they've moved on, and their definition should be different from mine.

so... work. am I good at it? no I don't think so. am I better than them? perhaps not. I don't know. I'm slowly consumed by my ego again and I'm telling myself tt I'm so damn good and I can judge ppl. no man. you aint half as good as u think u are.

so yea wake up dude. ure still tt same old shithead as u always were.

Cruel.

Day in and out, I've always tried my best to complete whatever task tt had been given to me. I do not know if I am appreciated but at least, I am able to answer to myself, tt I rly tried, hard.

Disappointment of not getting the results tt I'd desired, I do not know know why am I still so affected by it. Hasn't this happened so many times? Haven't I gotten used to it.? Why can't I jus face it with a smile and let it Breeze through.?

Isn't this world just unbearably cruel.

I must try to smile even in times of hardship. I will smile to failure, to ppl I do not like, to things that I'm not happy with, because a smile, could be the most disguise tt one can don

mine.

我已经没有不能说的秘密, 我不具名的悲傷也已经不痛了.

It is not the Time To love and no, I'm no longer Still into you.

its is time for me to embrace a new beginning, as we venture into a new chapter. being sad and all for so bloody long is too embarrassing and I'm gonna have to stick with my plan.

this is my life, I will choose how to live it.

getaway.

Am on a short getaway trip right now, tho I didn rly asked for it. It's funny how only when I'm ripped away frm my normal routine tt I get to start thinking.
Well, thinking abt life, abt u, and also abt nth, simply breaking away frm my mundane working lifestyle.

I'd been thru good times, and bad times. Many good news and many bad news, which i wldve loved to share with somebody. but well, there seems to have been no one left.

this reservist, had been pretty useful, tho not looking forward to it but it did manage to get me out of my comfort zone and live like someone else for a while.

so here I'm gonna sign off as Sgt Er. Peace out.



And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back
Maybe you should know that
......
And I've been so caught up in my job
Didn't see what's going on

distance.

as the days pass, my emotions grow more distant.

Happiness, is smth I haven't felt in a long while, in exchange for the monthly salary, I believe I had lost something that is essential for a human being.

being in love with someone, having a hobby, appreciating somebody, hanging out with friends, shopping for something tt I liked, going for dates. None of those seems impt to me right now as I am looking forward to weekend drinking sessions and simply, just staying myself and playing random games.

I don't know anymore, I am lazy to go after ppl, (not tt theres anyone for me to go after anw) but.. is tt a gd enuf reason?

Can I use that excuse for all eternity? well.......... yea I've gotta change soon.. like.... soon? heh.