The one word tt decides alot of stuff. Why do u do tt? For wad purpose.? Wads the purpose for all these etc etc.
Purpose. Sometimes the idea jus jolts me, hey, y are u bothered by all these minute stuff. Some of the stuff tt I hold so tightly onto nw are srsly quite... Quite meaningless.? Frm a third person's point of view that is. It might seem to mean a little smth to other ppl but at the end of the day, it Srsly meant nth to me. So." Why" am I so bothered. Why am I doing all these.
U ain't within my reach to begin wif. Yeah.? Yes. No matter hw I send it, my feelings will never reach u. And even if it did, it won't be well appreciated. One who cares less gets hurt lesser. I.. Always understood this point but. Why am I always the one who cares so much more about other ppl. This makes me feel so freaking mighty stupid.
And. Nope. Ur happiness is not there. It's fake pls. Ure most likely gonna go thru a series of high and lows, well u gonna end up in scars which... Hmm helps u grow but.. Yea be prepared for it.
If, if if if if:( by any chance u are srsly hurt, or u jus wan sm1 to talk to, I will. I will still be standing here. Ever willing to listen. So turn back and look ard, it's not hard to realize tt sm1 has always been protecting u in the dark and smtimes openly. :< grr fk this. Arghhhh.
That said, I must reconsider my planned series o of actions. I hope I will not continue to do stupid things and good things will start happening.
Oh btw I'm nt tt hopeful. Judging frm the things tt were happening, I don't suppose I'm gonna get happy. Yea if I don't hope for anything , I won't feel disappointed when nth happens. Right.? Sighh. I didn noe tt I wld be reduced to this pathetic state. But yea I will jus live each day as it is
Friday, August 30, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Calm.
Sighh after a some booze and a gd night slp, I've managed to calm down a little. Wakin up to think like "nth in the world changed. The sun still rises, birds continued chirping, mum still watches tv. And them workers continued drillin some random stuff to wake me up in the morning.-_-"
It's regrettable it's saddening; but not q enuf to kill me so ill still b somewhat ok. The journey is not over yet, this will make me stronger, wiser, better. But I do think tt the world is ugly, very ugly. The fact tt even if u work hard u won't get wad u want pisses me off badly. Esp when I'm not one who puts in effort in everything I do. I.... Always knew tt but still.. Like a child, I hope tt things will always turn out the way I wanted it to. But yea tts life.suck it up and live on.? No Im still gonna give it a hell of a fight, for I'm me. I am a fighter a warrior, a strong one; in every sense of tt word.
It came to my mind tt when I started it, I wasn't expecting results. So y am I sulking, why shld I. Logically, theoretically, normally, it's impossible. So yea cheer up and look forward.i guess.... I shld be able to do tt.
I must not be nice. I must be heartless, for emotions had been the key to failing for many great men.
Be
Heartless.
It's regrettable it's saddening; but not q enuf to kill me so ill still b somewhat ok. The journey is not over yet, this will make me stronger, wiser, better. But I do think tt the world is ugly, very ugly. The fact tt even if u work hard u won't get wad u want pisses me off badly. Esp when I'm not one who puts in effort in everything I do. I.... Always knew tt but still.. Like a child, I hope tt things will always turn out the way I wanted it to. But yea tts life.suck it up and live on.? No Im still gonna give it a hell of a fight, for I'm me. I am a fighter a warrior, a strong one; in every sense of tt word.
It came to my mind tt when I started it, I wasn't expecting results. So y am I sulking, why shld I. Logically, theoretically, normally, it's impossible. So yea cheer up and look forward.i guess.... I shld be able to do tt.
I must not be nice. I must be heartless, for emotions had been the key to failing for many great men.
Be
Heartless.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
dot.
im guessing that this is the end of the game. why.?
lol fk.. now i rly feel like digging my way out of this shit. hahahaah why. why. why. why. must it be like this. all the bad scenerios must happen all tgt at the same time. omg. let me out of all these nonsense pls.
perhaps i shant stay no more. but.. wad abt my.. argh.
ive always thought tt when smth is taken frm me, i will definitely get smth nicer in return, but wad now. everything is ripped frm me. wad u gonna gimme a new life? a new body or smth? LOl. fk u srsly. fk fk fk. and my doomsday is coming. september 5th. perhaps i shld work hard and try to live meaningfully everyday till then.
screw this shit. where's my beer._|_
lol fk.. now i rly feel like digging my way out of this shit. hahahaah why. why. why. why. must it be like this. all the bad scenerios must happen all tgt at the same time. omg. let me out of all these nonsense pls.
perhaps i shant stay no more. but.. wad abt my.. argh.
ive always thought tt when smth is taken frm me, i will definitely get smth nicer in return, but wad now. everything is ripped frm me. wad u gonna gimme a new life? a new body or smth? LOl. fk u srsly. fk fk fk. and my doomsday is coming. september 5th. perhaps i shld work hard and try to live meaningfully everyday till then.
screw this shit. where's my beer._|_
Saturday, August 24, 2013
sick
im sure as hell.
im getting pretty sick of these.
the heart tt i cldnt get. the place i didn want to stay in anymore, my wings tt were ripped off, everything everything tt didn go according to my calculations. im sick of it. it feels like a sick joke, intentionally trying to piss me off and hey, tts a little bit too much for me to laugh it off like normal. i will try my best to stay positive, stay strong, for tts wads been keeping me alive.
im angry, im disappointed, im sad. but i cant show it to any1 else. for there aint any wisdom tt i cldve rely on ard me.so..i guess its just me wif myself again. and i... dont really like seeing the disappointed faces. heh....heh...
i will..live on.
i wldnt force u to stay, but wad wld it be like if w/o u here. wad wld i be enduring and fighting so hard for.
im getting pretty sick of these.
the heart tt i cldnt get. the place i didn want to stay in anymore, my wings tt were ripped off, everything everything tt didn go according to my calculations. im sick of it. it feels like a sick joke, intentionally trying to piss me off and hey, tts a little bit too much for me to laugh it off like normal. i will try my best to stay positive, stay strong, for tts wads been keeping me alive.
im angry, im disappointed, im sad. but i cant show it to any1 else. for there aint any wisdom tt i cldve rely on ard me.so..i guess its just me wif myself again. and i... dont really like seeing the disappointed faces. heh....heh...
i will..live on.
i wldnt force u to stay, but wad wld it be like if w/o u here. wad wld i be enduring and fighting so hard for.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Tearful (Whirl. fallen. thank you.)
cause i always cant find the right mood to write so, im going to split write abt 3 issues experienced on 3 diff days in 1 post?
Whirl
ive always looked forward to seeing u but everytime i see u, my brain gets screwed up and goes into this endless debate on whether it is right to haf feelings for u. and i wont b able to think properly bcuz there are diff course of actions tt i shld do depending on my decision. ie, if i need to remove u cause im hurting myself too much for trying to get closer, i shld rly jus step back but, part of me will still move illogically and i hate myself for tt. yea thus explains my strange actions and strange speeches. cuz, my brain is in a whirl.
i am mayb v close to the answer. this strange phenomenon will not stay for long i promise.
fallen
when life decided to screw u, they dont stop until u're totally down and until ure totally hurt and bleeding and on the verge of dying.
ive..... attained the worst case scenerio. getting a double blow. nw.. im totally stucked. totally screwed.failure failure. this is the worst ive ever experienced. getting a high nose due to previous successes. over confidence? no its not. i wld say my calculations were spot on and exactly accurate but. i forgot to add in a seemingly insignificant factor : my human heart. i dont quite regret wadever i did but, i wld really hate to see ppl showing my the looks of sympathy and asking for an explanation.
i..cant find the courage to tell my frens, my family, and all those who asked. me, the me who seemed so capable, the prideful me, the me who seemed to haf a very good idea of how his nxt step shld be, who seemed to haf calculated every single detailed so perfectly to end up so miserably pathetic. i..srsly dont wanna hear wad they wld say to me and wad scorns tt wld be coming.
my family.....omfg. they trusted me, but i disappointed them. its bad enuf tt im disappointed wif myself and i haf to bear their disappointment as well. its rly...heavy. but i cant hide frm them. ive been thinking abt all the possible scenerios. possible solns... but none seems to be good enuf to satisfy them. i.need a little more time.
and ya. now i get it, tt bright star tt i saw falling off the night sky tt day... it was actually the star tt represented me. and i still foolishly made a wish upon it thinking tt it wld bring me gd fortune.
Thank you
"this thank u is supposingly meant as a hurtful insult to tt fking wadever tt brought this to me. how cld u be so cruel to me. u shld be able to see, my efforts in pleasing every1. my efforts in trying to protect any1 ard me and make em happy. i did not ask for much, i just wanted the bare minimal to help me survive. and u selfishly took them frm me. THANK YOU so much for being so stingy. u fking thingy. be sure to pay me back smth of equivalent value in future.im growing stronger and stronger thanks to u. as man goes thru many ordeals, he becomes a man stronger than any1 else. i didn want tt tho. i merely wanted to lead a normal life if possible w/o having to face so much problems and then solving them one by one using so much effort. its not like im alrdy leading a very happy life, u jus had to pee into an overflowing shit hole dont u."
BUT oh wells rather than wasting my time to hurl insults at u, ive decided to keep tt in this time, i shall take everything back in. i wld gif this thank u to another person. the..person who caused me so much pain b4, i dont think she noes but oh wells i guess happiness are totally not gon b linked to me at any point in time.
we talked on the fone for almost 2 hrs? more like shes doing the talking and im jus listening. sry but im q a stubborn person, unless u are very convincing and u earned my respect at some point of time, nth much sinks in my brain. but however, i did appreciate the effort to wanting to gif me ur opinion which i...havent got frm any1 else. tho i dont rly need it. wad i needed was. i guess. concern.
im not able to respond well to ur conversation bcuz...i didn wanna cut u off by saying tt ive alrdy thot of all the things tt uve said. sry but i cant agree bcuz i nv believed in life being positive. i believe tt its in equilibrium, being positive aint bringing me nowher. but i guess i shall leave tt for another day. and i dont believe in wad ure doing. im jus stubborn ok.
k the more impt part was tt it rly kinda moved me tt u said tt my words actually stayed in ur heart or rather mind for all these while and it kept u moving and it brought u to gd results. but u bitch, u didn give me ur heart in return._|_ k nvm but yea since u got gd results.. i guess i can b hapy for u. so yea its decided, i am on my own. as usual.
i seldom thank people sincerely but i swear, this time im srs. thank u. for showing concern, u didn haf to. but u still insisted, mayb u thought its gon be helpful. hmm hw to say, no its not helpful to the shit tt im in. but i wldn say tt its completely meaningless. i feel slightly comforted i guess. n tho its kinda insulting to haf u feel tt u needa advice me, i...shall gracefully accept wadever u say and........ ya. i still need time to reason out properly cause i dont think i can make a rational decision at the moment but. yes u did. u did make me feel the urge to face it like a man and do smth to it as soon as possible.
My heart is touched. Thank you so much Miss. :)
u actually made tears welled up in my sockets twice within 1hr40min. welldone. i rly wish u all the best and succeed in pursuing ur goal. and i.. shall climb outta tt shithole.. as fast as i can.
thank u thank u thank u. (tearfully.)
Whirl
ive always looked forward to seeing u but everytime i see u, my brain gets screwed up and goes into this endless debate on whether it is right to haf feelings for u. and i wont b able to think properly bcuz there are diff course of actions tt i shld do depending on my decision. ie, if i need to remove u cause im hurting myself too much for trying to get closer, i shld rly jus step back but, part of me will still move illogically and i hate myself for tt. yea thus explains my strange actions and strange speeches. cuz, my brain is in a whirl.
i am mayb v close to the answer. this strange phenomenon will not stay for long i promise.
fallen
when life decided to screw u, they dont stop until u're totally down and until ure totally hurt and bleeding and on the verge of dying.
ive..... attained the worst case scenerio. getting a double blow. nw.. im totally stucked. totally screwed.failure failure. this is the worst ive ever experienced. getting a high nose due to previous successes. over confidence? no its not. i wld say my calculations were spot on and exactly accurate but. i forgot to add in a seemingly insignificant factor : my human heart. i dont quite regret wadever i did but, i wld really hate to see ppl showing my the looks of sympathy and asking for an explanation.
i..cant find the courage to tell my frens, my family, and all those who asked. me, the me who seemed so capable, the prideful me, the me who seemed to haf a very good idea of how his nxt step shld be, who seemed to haf calculated every single detailed so perfectly to end up so miserably pathetic. i..srsly dont wanna hear wad they wld say to me and wad scorns tt wld be coming.
my family.....omfg. they trusted me, but i disappointed them. its bad enuf tt im disappointed wif myself and i haf to bear their disappointment as well. its rly...heavy. but i cant hide frm them. ive been thinking abt all the possible scenerios. possible solns... but none seems to be good enuf to satisfy them. i.need a little more time.
and ya. now i get it, tt bright star tt i saw falling off the night sky tt day... it was actually the star tt represented me. and i still foolishly made a wish upon it thinking tt it wld bring me gd fortune.
Thank you
"this thank u is supposingly meant as a hurtful insult to tt fking wadever tt brought this to me. how cld u be so cruel to me. u shld be able to see, my efforts in pleasing every1. my efforts in trying to protect any1 ard me and make em happy. i did not ask for much, i just wanted the bare minimal to help me survive. and u selfishly took them frm me. THANK YOU so much for being so stingy. u fking thingy. be sure to pay me back smth of equivalent value in future.im growing stronger and stronger thanks to u. as man goes thru many ordeals, he becomes a man stronger than any1 else. i didn want tt tho. i merely wanted to lead a normal life if possible w/o having to face so much problems and then solving them one by one using so much effort. its not like im alrdy leading a very happy life, u jus had to pee into an overflowing shit hole dont u."
BUT oh wells rather than wasting my time to hurl insults at u, ive decided to keep tt in this time, i shall take everything back in. i wld gif this thank u to another person. the..person who caused me so much pain b4, i dont think she noes but oh wells i guess happiness are totally not gon b linked to me at any point in time.
we talked on the fone for almost 2 hrs? more like shes doing the talking and im jus listening. sry but im q a stubborn person, unless u are very convincing and u earned my respect at some point of time, nth much sinks in my brain. but however, i did appreciate the effort to wanting to gif me ur opinion which i...havent got frm any1 else. tho i dont rly need it. wad i needed was. i guess. concern.
im not able to respond well to ur conversation bcuz...i didn wanna cut u off by saying tt ive alrdy thot of all the things tt uve said. sry but i cant agree bcuz i nv believed in life being positive. i believe tt its in equilibrium, being positive aint bringing me nowher. but i guess i shall leave tt for another day. and i dont believe in wad ure doing. im jus stubborn ok.
k the more impt part was tt it rly kinda moved me tt u said tt my words actually stayed in ur heart or rather mind for all these while and it kept u moving and it brought u to gd results. but u bitch, u didn give me ur heart in return._|_ k nvm but yea since u got gd results.. i guess i can b hapy for u. so yea its decided, i am on my own. as usual.
i seldom thank people sincerely but i swear, this time im srs. thank u. for showing concern, u didn haf to. but u still insisted, mayb u thought its gon be helpful. hmm hw to say, no its not helpful to the shit tt im in. but i wldn say tt its completely meaningless. i feel slightly comforted i guess. n tho its kinda insulting to haf u feel tt u needa advice me, i...shall gracefully accept wadever u say and........ ya. i still need time to reason out properly cause i dont think i can make a rational decision at the moment but. yes u did. u did make me feel the urge to face it like a man and do smth to it as soon as possible.
My heart is touched. Thank you so much Miss. :)
u actually made tears welled up in my sockets twice within 1hr40min. welldone. i rly wish u all the best and succeed in pursuing ur goal. and i.. shall climb outta tt shithole.. as fast as i can.
thank u thank u thank u. (tearfully.)
Thursday, August 15, 2013
failure.
so here comes the first. i meant second failure. hahaha jus when i tot thing went pretty smoothly. when some1 doesnt wan u to pass, there are millions of ways to make it happen. i see tt its probably a sign. hahahaahhaha the scenerio tt ive prepared in my mind. i guess you didn wan it to happen. prolly for my sake but, are u sure? ARE u freaking sure i will b happier if this series of event happen?! you'd better be cuz im fking pissed right now. im STILL FKING Pissed.
it sucks to fail, its... nt tt bad to haf to try again.. its... bad enuf to noe the fact tt.. even if u gave it ur all, ure still not good enuf. however, i think its worst to haf to face the people who... believed in u.. who had faith in u.. and also those who looked down on u, who were proven correct, heh, they were right to look down on u. it hurts alot to look at ppl's smiling face fading away as i told them the fact tt... i dont haf a good news to share. meh.its not a first failure. and i dont accept failures well. not to mention tt there are alot more things tt aint going in my favour. sometimes i feel like i just want to ignore all those shits tt happened. forgetting them might make me happier but, sadly they persists and ive got to solve it sooner or later.
okay wel wel. enuf pessimism. life's fked up but, somehw, things will be better at some point.as long as im alive, i can flip this fking table round and make things to my favour.
hmm drank a little bit of beer and chatted for a bit abt life. haha the beer omg. totally makes me feel happy. tt chilling atmosphere... nt having to care abt anything was totally spoilt by the mere reminder tt i had to work the nxt day in the morning. omg. tt tot totally...made me feel unhappy. and i felt like i shld just.. ignore all these shit. and shove 1 middle finger in their faces. grr sry but im very angst these days.. cuz of all the bad things tts happening.
k lastly..! sry bout the long whiny shits. i think i saw a shooting star flashing past earlier. so i made 2 wishes. hahah kinda greedy but... PLEASE MR SHOOTING STAR. fufill my wishes PLEASE. im alrdy sad enuf and u... please seeing u shld mean some gd fortune RIGHT?! pls fufill them pls. wif tt i shall... look forward to tml ok? shooting star. ive.. alrdy given up all hope and began to start trusting u. so... stop killing me. please.
right.. tts abt all. i guess? yea for now.. i shall update this post if smth new pops up
it sucks to fail, its... nt tt bad to haf to try again.. its... bad enuf to noe the fact tt.. even if u gave it ur all, ure still not good enuf. however, i think its worst to haf to face the people who... believed in u.. who had faith in u.. and also those who looked down on u, who were proven correct, heh, they were right to look down on u. it hurts alot to look at ppl's smiling face fading away as i told them the fact tt... i dont haf a good news to share. meh.its not a first failure. and i dont accept failures well. not to mention tt there are alot more things tt aint going in my favour. sometimes i feel like i just want to ignore all those shits tt happened. forgetting them might make me happier but, sadly they persists and ive got to solve it sooner or later.
okay wel wel. enuf pessimism. life's fked up but, somehw, things will be better at some point.as long as im alive, i can flip this fking table round and make things to my favour.
hmm drank a little bit of beer and chatted for a bit abt life. haha the beer omg. totally makes me feel happy. tt chilling atmosphere... nt having to care abt anything was totally spoilt by the mere reminder tt i had to work the nxt day in the morning. omg. tt tot totally...made me feel unhappy. and i felt like i shld just.. ignore all these shit. and shove 1 middle finger in their faces. grr sry but im very angst these days.. cuz of all the bad things tts happening.
k lastly..! sry bout the long whiny shits. i think i saw a shooting star flashing past earlier. so i made 2 wishes. hahah kinda greedy but... PLEASE MR SHOOTING STAR. fufill my wishes PLEASE. im alrdy sad enuf and u... please seeing u shld mean some gd fortune RIGHT?! pls fufill them pls. wif tt i shall... look forward to tml ok? shooting star. ive.. alrdy given up all hope and began to start trusting u. so... stop killing me. please.
right.. tts abt all. i guess? yea for now.. i shall update this post if smth new pops up
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
the final day.
today is the last day... that im gonna be relaxed for this season. tml and fri.. the biggest things are coming up. the life changing 2 days i guess. i'll jus hope for the best.pls. ive suffered so much. all im asking for isnt much. srsly. pls. at least let me haf them so my life will be smooth again.!!
i swear, ill show u more interesting stuffs if u let me pass this time ard. i will break these lame boring cycles of life. u wont regret it. SO pls. let ME PASS BOTH OF EM PLS.
well tt said, smth xtra to mention. yea my..dream again. good to know tt my heart didn stray off. its still dere and becoz im supposed to protect u..and i will continue to do so..for awhile.
every dream wif u in it is a sweet dream.:|
i swear, ill show u more interesting stuffs if u let me pass this time ard. i will break these lame boring cycles of life. u wont regret it. SO pls. let ME PASS BOTH OF EM PLS.
well tt said, smth xtra to mention. yea my..dream again. good to know tt my heart didn stray off. its still dere and becoz im supposed to protect u..and i will continue to do so..for awhile.
every dream wif u in it is a sweet dream.:|
Friday, August 09, 2013
Dreams, equilibrium and wakeup.
Dreams
sometimes i wld just dream of tt thing which i really wanted to keep wif me. happy moments, ur face so close to mine, my wide smile. i guess it only happens in dreams, as i opened my eyes, i felt happy but,it was just for an instant, i recalled my reality. looking at the time, ive only slept for 30 min. haa weird isnt it. is it true tt i willl be able to see wad i really wanted in my mind in my dreams? i hope it is. i hope it reflects my true desire, and not jus a temporary want.
drinking makes me happy, makes me laugh easier. seems like a temporary relief of the emptiness inside this human shell, heh thus xplains the love for alcohol i guess. well but the downside of it was tt i need loads of slp the nxt day which is nt really ideal. haaha. so wad now, good or bad, depends on which i need den.
Equilibrium
so life is abt equilibrium: at least in this world. eating too much will make u feel bloated and ill, eating too little makes u feel hungry and weak. giving too much to tt person will make them feel annoyed and bothersome, giving too little make them feel tt u dont care. if u love everything abt a person u might feel tt she is too perfect for u and the inferiority sets in, by loving alot of her goodpoints and hating her bad points while accepting all of them tt human arent perfect creatures, u will den be able to love her properly and get back the equal amount.
heh. jus some random nonsense tt came to my mind ytd so i felt like writing down somewher. mayb it doesnt even make sense but oh well. mayb i willl edit it somehow, later. to make it more valid. equilibrium, equality, fairness, do they exists in all situations? welll well.
wakeup
last night i.. suddenly had this thought tt came to my mind. wtf haf i been thinking all this while. wad was i expecting in return. ive alrdy calculated tt the returns wldve been zero, but the amount tt im giving... has been slightly way too much. den i told myself tt i needa wake up. and yea this thought has occured far too many times, i guess its jus the logical side of me arguing wif my stupid side. well recently it always ends wif me seeing again and ahh "I remembered." and den i remained stupid so yea. i hope one day, the smarter me will win.. soon pls.
wake up.
sometimes i wld just dream of tt thing which i really wanted to keep wif me. happy moments, ur face so close to mine, my wide smile. i guess it only happens in dreams, as i opened my eyes, i felt happy but,it was just for an instant, i recalled my reality. looking at the time, ive only slept for 30 min. haa weird isnt it. is it true tt i willl be able to see wad i really wanted in my mind in my dreams? i hope it is. i hope it reflects my true desire, and not jus a temporary want.
drinking makes me happy, makes me laugh easier. seems like a temporary relief of the emptiness inside this human shell, heh thus xplains the love for alcohol i guess. well but the downside of it was tt i need loads of slp the nxt day which is nt really ideal. haaha. so wad now, good or bad, depends on which i need den.
Equilibrium
so life is abt equilibrium: at least in this world. eating too much will make u feel bloated and ill, eating too little makes u feel hungry and weak. giving too much to tt person will make them feel annoyed and bothersome, giving too little make them feel tt u dont care. if u love everything abt a person u might feel tt she is too perfect for u and the inferiority sets in, by loving alot of her goodpoints and hating her bad points while accepting all of them tt human arent perfect creatures, u will den be able to love her properly and get back the equal amount.
heh. jus some random nonsense tt came to my mind ytd so i felt like writing down somewher. mayb it doesnt even make sense but oh well. mayb i willl edit it somehow, later. to make it more valid. equilibrium, equality, fairness, do they exists in all situations? welll well.
wakeup
last night i.. suddenly had this thought tt came to my mind. wtf haf i been thinking all this while. wad was i expecting in return. ive alrdy calculated tt the returns wldve been zero, but the amount tt im giving... has been slightly way too much. den i told myself tt i needa wake up. and yea this thought has occured far too many times, i guess its jus the logical side of me arguing wif my stupid side. well recently it always ends wif me seeing
wake up.
Thursday, August 08, 2013
still.
ignorance is bliss.
much as i want to know more, i guess a step back cldve been a step forward. doing smth else may calm my nerves down and i wont b too focused and lose my cool. the impt days are coming, i want.. things to go smoothly, after tt, while having nth to wry, i can move on to the nxt world. err not suicidal pls i love myself and i want to live forever. nxt world as in go into the real workforce.
Had lunch after circuit lesson today. Hm, I ate packet rice and drank some milk tea while sitting on a weird location. The walkway leading to the Mrt station. Haha happened to haf a ledge or smth for me to sit on, so I sat dere and had my lunch. Ppl stared but I didn look back. I'm totally plugged in and blasting some good music into my ears so I... Was temporarily in my own world.? Yea. Loved some srsly thinkin time. Wad was I thinking abt, I haf no idea but oh wells. Yup so after lunch, I decided to go home. For a sleep. Haha den I went out again for dinner. It was... Slightly too filling. But since the other person is happy, I.. Did my job.
Didn do anything much useful after tt so... Hahha tts it for now. I'm gonna talk abt some weird dreams I had in the nxt post yea. Some self reminder hahaha
much as i want to know more, i guess a step back cldve been a step forward. doing smth else may calm my nerves down and i wont b too focused and lose my cool. the impt days are coming, i want.. things to go smoothly, after tt, while having nth to wry, i can move on to the nxt world. err not suicidal pls i love myself and i want to live forever. nxt world as in go into the real workforce.
Had lunch after circuit lesson today. Hm, I ate packet rice and drank some milk tea while sitting on a weird location. The walkway leading to the Mrt station. Haha happened to haf a ledge or smth for me to sit on, so I sat dere and had my lunch. Ppl stared but I didn look back. I'm totally plugged in and blasting some good music into my ears so I... Was temporarily in my own world.? Yea. Loved some srsly thinkin time. Wad was I thinking abt, I haf no idea but oh wells. Yup so after lunch, I decided to go home. For a sleep. Haha den I went out again for dinner. It was... Slightly too filling. But since the other person is happy, I.. Did my job.
Didn do anything much useful after tt so... Hahha tts it for now. I'm gonna talk abt some weird dreams I had in the nxt post yea. Some self reminder hahaha
Monday, August 05, 2013
Saturday, August 03, 2013
paradox
i want to stay away, i want to get closer.
i want to forget u, i want to noe u better.
i want to leave, i dont want to let u go.
i want to start a new life, i dont want to readjust my life.
all these paradox, are driving me weird. i hope by august, i can completely settle down and take flight. i dont want any distractions tt may disturb my new life.
its okay. im doing..not rly fine but i shld be able to live on. ure the thing i swore to protect and i shall do it for as long as i can. heh same old dumb me.
Tt aside. Met up wif my frens few days ago, as usual some laughter, some jokes, some fun, lots of boredom. I wonder wads wrong wif me. But I will hang on, and keep this friendship going andd, be more sporting and enthusiasted in trying out new stuff. Heh. I.. Srsly hate waking up early, haf nth to do n end up sleepin in the daytime and I need to slp early at night cuz I needa wake up early. Zzz
Ohh. Wells. Life's like tt. I shall try to enjoy it since I don't think I can haf much of this life for long. meh. U.. Asshole.
cause I rmb-ed who I gave my heart to, tho I don't think u cld see it or ure simply ignoring it.
.
i want to forget u, i want to noe u better.
i want to leave, i dont want to let u go.
i want to start a new life, i dont want to readjust my life.
all these paradox, are driving me weird. i hope by august, i can completely settle down and take flight. i dont want any distractions tt may disturb my new life.
its okay. im doing..not rly fine but i shld be able to live on. ure the thing i swore to protect and i shall do it for as long as i can. heh same old dumb me.
Tt aside. Met up wif my frens few days ago, as usual some laughter, some jokes, some fun, lots of boredom. I wonder wads wrong wif me. But I will hang on, and keep this friendship going andd, be more sporting and enthusiasted in trying out new stuff. Heh. I.. Srsly hate waking up early, haf nth to do n end up sleepin in the daytime and I need to slp early at night cuz I needa wake up early. Zzz
Ohh. Wells. Life's like tt. I shall try to enjoy it since I don't think I can haf much of this life for long. meh. U.. Asshole.
cause I rmb-ed who I gave my heart to, tho I don't think u cld see it or ure simply ignoring it.
.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
August
The month of relevation. Lets pls pls hope tt things will all turn out okayy. Please.!
Since July seems to b a sad mth for me as usual, August August. Lets look forward to it
I still do.
Since July seems to b a sad mth for me as usual, August August. Lets look forward to it
I still do.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Curves
It's like 2 curves of opp signs.from infinitely far away, Somehw we got closer but nv intersecting and den we continue moving in our own direction. Which is, sadly away frm one another yes a very mathematical way of explaining which.. Kinda applies LoL.!!
It do hurt, when, I see it widening, I make it widen, and u widen it further. Tt cycle of events tt all seem too familiar, I.. Didn wan tt. I wanted to step forward, but I don't think ill haf the courage to face rejection lol. so shld I...Slowly fade away.? Or shld I jus rip myself away. Or.. Or..? Wad a joke cy. Ure a joke.
I want u. But I can't go for u. Tt sux big time.
Ill try nt to keep whining. Okay.? Ok.
It do hurt, when, I see it widening, I make it widen, and u widen it further. Tt cycle of events tt all seem too familiar, I.. Didn wan tt. I wanted to step forward, but I don't think ill haf the courage to face rejection lol. so shld I...Slowly fade away.? Or shld I jus rip myself away. Or.. Or..? Wad a joke cy. Ure a joke.
I want u. But I can't go for u. Tt sux big time.
Ill try nt to keep whining. Okay.? Ok.
Monday, July 29, 2013
heartless.
life's been. pretty boring as usual. boring frens. boring job. boring life. but this boredom is actually kinda good in a sense. been learning hw to drive, think ive alr hit a rock wall, unable to realli progress further and i dont noe why. mayb im jus nt gd at it.
been lazy yea. but.. with tt much free time on hand, any1 wldve done the same. i guess, this time i alrdy found the answer. i wldnt rly wanna stay further, heh objective completed i guess. its nt deeply rooted in yet so i guess it aint hard to totally forget abt it, hmm jus like the previous ones=)
it hurts but. i think its bearable.
let it go cy.
am heartless now.
been lazy yea. but.. with tt much free time on hand, any1 wldve done the same. i guess, this time i alrdy found the answer. i wldnt rly wanna stay further, heh objective completed i guess. its nt deeply rooted in yet so i guess it aint hard to totally forget abt it, hmm jus like the previous ones=)
it hurts but. i think its bearable.
let it go cy.
am heartless now.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Darknesss.
who is tt boy i see staring straight back at me, why is my reflection some1 i dont noe.
when will my reflection show who i am...inside.
did some reflection earlier. sipping 2 cans of beer while munching on kachang puteh. i guess its kinda weird but... well we've gotta do some strange stuffs once in a while.
oh so the WHOLE scenerio was like, i went for circuit lessons omg. kept MOUNTING KERBS WTF. which is realli intolerable at this point but.. argh. i wonder wads wrong. and yea so i had nth much to do after the lesson, bought kachang puteh and a couple of beer. meh, the cashier stared at me and luckily didn check my IC.LOl. for some reason i feel guilty =.= i guess im really living in denial. im WAY OVER THE AGE LIMIT.
k soOo. passed by this playgrd and i felt tt, mayb i shld jus chill, sat on the swing while drinking beer. Aint tt gd of an experience =_= but oh wells its..erm gd enuf, finished it and went home.
so ive been thinking, who the hells been hacking my blogger acc and postin all those weird posts=.= please. i aint that whiny. all those shits will be erased frm my memories.
SO yeah, welcome my return. i. am back. to wad i used to be. =)
when will my reflection show who i am...inside.
did some reflection earlier. sipping 2 cans of beer while munching on kachang puteh. i guess its kinda weird but... well we've gotta do some strange stuffs once in a while.
oh so the WHOLE scenerio was like, i went for circuit lessons omg. kept MOUNTING KERBS WTF. which is realli intolerable at this point but.. argh. i wonder wads wrong. and yea so i had nth much to do after the lesson, bought kachang puteh and a couple of beer. meh, the cashier stared at me and luckily didn check my IC.LOl. for some reason i feel guilty =.= i guess im really living in denial. im WAY OVER THE AGE LIMIT.
k soOo. passed by this playgrd and i felt tt, mayb i shld jus chill, sat on the swing while drinking beer. Aint tt gd of an experience =_= but oh wells its..erm gd enuf, finished it and went home.
so ive been thinking, who the hells been hacking my blogger acc and postin all those weird posts=.= please. i aint that whiny. all those shits will be erased frm my memories.
SO yeah, welcome my return. i. am back. to wad i used to be. =)
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Just another youthful indication
Life's been weird lately. Wasting time and all. Anw can't u see the look in my eyes, look at it that are in sorrow. meh quoted tt frm a song anw LOL. But yeah kinda applies for this case. Didn u realize.? My eyes tt were alr diff frm b4.. Or rather ure choosing to ignore it. It's... Kinda okay but. Aw, no.. I.. Argh: can't bear to.
Haha and I recalled my reason for coming back this time ard, it was, to fufill a promise, and to protect smth impt, and to repay my gratitude for the fact tt i wasnt particularly bored and sad during the darkest days. but oh well. i think ive done enuf i guess, almost. and yes, i wont give up but i haf to move on soon and mayb pickup smth better in future. i reacalled, it was only a temporary game for me to pass time anw. yea it is and it shldve been the case. and ya i kinda found the answers to a few qns tt was bothering me for a while and am quite pleased wif it.?
remove all ur thoughts if ur mind is swirling, take a step back and look frm a diff person's perspective. frm there, u will begin to see wad u normally dont see and u will noe wad u need to do.
meanwhile. let me clear off all those weird things ard my life b4 im able to take flight.
Haha and I recalled my reason for coming back this time ard, it was, to fufill a promise, and to protect smth impt, and to repay my gratitude for the fact tt i wasnt particularly bored and sad during the darkest days. but oh well. i think ive done enuf i guess, almost. and yes, i wont give up but i haf to move on soon and mayb pickup smth better in future. i reacalled, it was only a temporary game for me to pass time anw. yea it is and it shldve been the case. and ya i kinda found the answers to a few qns tt was bothering me for a while and am quite pleased wif it.?
remove all ur thoughts if ur mind is swirling, take a step back and look frm a diff person's perspective. frm there, u will begin to see wad u normally dont see and u will noe wad u need to do.
meanwhile. let me clear off all those weird things ard my life b4 im able to take flight.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Cold.
Interesting quote tt came knocking at the right timing.?
"Look at any successful man in any trade, and you will see one pattern: successful people
focus on winning rather than losing.
It doesn't mean they don't pay attention to risks or contingency plans (in fact, most successful people are
also attentive and think before they act). But what they try to do is act boldly once they have decided to do
something and see every mistake or obstacle as just another lesson.
On the contrary, the typical person walks on egg-shells and hope they do not make mistakes. They wait
and wait until they are "ready" to take action, and the first sign of trouble that comes along, they are ready
to throw in the towel and fall back into their comfort zone.
Focus on what you want and what you are going to do, NOT on what you might lose if you do not
win.
Know who you are.
Know what you stand for.
Know what you like and don't like.
Know what you want and just go get it.
If you are truly focused, everything else will
fall into place.
You will have the right body language.
You will have the right voice tone.
You will have all the right words.
Because you will be totally relaxed and be at ease.
And should something happens that's outside of your
control, you're not even going to care because you are so
focused.
You fail once. You bounce back.
You fail twice. You keep going.
You fail a third time. You don't even notice it.
You will just keep on going because your focus is on
what the prize.
It's like a child learning how to walk: no matter
how much times he falls, he will get up and try again.
You've done it before - before you started caring
about what others would think if they saw you fail. It's
time to have that focus again.
I promise you will gain confidence."
scraped this frm my junk mail, tt came almost like.. well. its telling me not to gif up, its almost describing wad im gg thru now. is tt a sign? but...ive tried. and ive been recieving icy, coldness, and argh. tts kinda hurting.while i recalled. hw did this even started, yea it was to kill sometime. it was to, help repair tt brokened piece of shit called heart, it was just..a game. which i toook a lil too seriously. trying to calm down, trying to be logical. trying to be myself. and no. i dont like losing. i wont wanna get hurt again, not this time.
Remove all those thoughts please. stop. cy. cy stop being an idiot. wake up.
even after alll alll of those, yea it's rly abt time to wrap things up. The.. Boy wld..might.. Shld be leaving soon. Ya.? Yes. A dream has got to end somewher Somehw. This... Shld hurt quite abit but.. I needa weigh the odds, we'll see, we'll see. I'm kinda curious tho. I hope I could finish reading this story and not leave cliff hangers like the previous story. I.... Wld miss u. After this, I.. Wld become cold again
be cold.
"Look at any successful man in any trade, and you will see one pattern: successful people
focus on winning rather than losing.
It doesn't mean they don't pay attention to risks or contingency plans (in fact, most successful people are
also attentive and think before they act). But what they try to do is act boldly once they have decided to do
something and see every mistake or obstacle as just another lesson.
On the contrary, the typical person walks on egg-shells and hope they do not make mistakes. They wait
and wait until they are "ready" to take action, and the first sign of trouble that comes along, they are ready
to throw in the towel and fall back into their comfort zone.
Focus on what you want and what you are going to do, NOT on what you might lose if you do not
win.
Know who you are.
Know what you stand for.
Know what you like and don't like.
Know what you want and just go get it.
If you are truly focused, everything else will
fall into place.
You will have the right body language.
You will have the right voice tone.
You will have all the right words.
Because you will be totally relaxed and be at ease.
And should something happens that's outside of your
control, you're not even going to care because you are so
focused.
You fail once. You bounce back.
You fail twice. You keep going.
You fail a third time. You don't even notice it.
You will just keep on going because your focus is on
what the prize.
It's like a child learning how to walk: no matter
how much times he falls, he will get up and try again.
You've done it before - before you started caring
about what others would think if they saw you fail. It's
time to have that focus again.
I promise you will gain confidence."
scraped this frm my junk mail, tt came almost like.. well. its telling me not to gif up, its almost describing wad im gg thru now. is tt a sign? but...ive tried. and ive been recieving icy, coldness, and argh. tts kinda hurting.while i recalled. hw did this even started, yea it was to kill sometime. it was to, help repair tt brokened piece of shit called heart, it was just..a game. which i toook a lil too seriously. trying to calm down, trying to be logical. trying to be myself. and no. i dont like losing. i wont wanna get hurt again, not this time.
Remove all those thoughts please. stop. cy. cy stop being an idiot. wake up.
even after alll alll of those, yea it's rly abt time to wrap things up. The.. Boy wld..might.. Shld be leaving soon. Ya.? Yes. A dream has got to end somewher Somehw. This... Shld hurt quite abit but.. I needa weigh the odds, we'll see, we'll see. I'm kinda curious tho. I hope I could finish reading this story and not leave cliff hangers like the previous story. I.... Wld miss u. After this, I.. Wld become cold again
be cold.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
step back.
mayb its nicer to take a step back. to look at things frm a wider view. mayb its better to take a step back, so tt i haf fresh air to breathe. i guess i took a step back cuz i. dont feel tt sorrowful now.
a step back. a step further away. i duno if tts wad i want. i duno if tts wad i shld do. but i dont think theres a right or wrong answer to this.
sometimes my body, jus choose to do weird things tt is illogical. even tho i noe its gonna hurt, even tho i noe ive gt nth to gain and everything to lose, i still..haha. cant control those weird actions.
i probably.. shld leave this world and go back into my own world. where i belong
a step back. a step further away. i duno if tts wad i want. i duno if tts wad i shld do. but i dont think theres a right or wrong answer to this.
sometimes my body, jus choose to do weird things tt is illogical. even tho i noe its gonna hurt, even tho i noe ive gt nth to gain and everything to lose, i still..haha. cant control those weird actions.
i probably.. shld leave this world and go back into my own world. where i belong
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Altered memories.
had a great night ytd. i think? generally rather happy to be able to meet up wif my frens again doing tt same old thing. brings back memories. hahaha laughed alot, nt sure if its a sincere laugh or just laughin for the sake of laughing. but oh well.
a lil overdosed on alcohol which made me kinda, lost some memories. these happens so darned often which i hate. memories are impt, and i feel rly unhappy when i lost em. met sm1 real cute and funny ytd, chat abit but i guess the alcohol made me rly funny as in the weird type of funny, not the good humorous way whatnot. but neh, interesting convo we had.
went to work wif a hangover. god, tt felt horrible. felt like vomiting but i dont think its gonna help much, endured thru wif almost less than half of my full physical potential. haha layman terms? im feel fked up and cant move properly. i survived, reached hm wif tt black face and i srsly wan to slp but i needa wait for dinner first, had a rather nice dinner and went hm to slp after tt. den. YES. cant slp now. 1:03am.=.= and i needa wake up early tml. zzz
: soOoo. story abt altered memories :
jus random thoughts hahaha. there.. wld be times wherby you wont haf a certain memory of smthing tt happned to u and some1, who supposingly was in the same place, witnessing the incident reminds u, tells u abt wad happend. den some bits and pieces of memories sorta came back to ur brain and u accepts it as a reality tt really happened. but, hw true can tt be? mayb the "memories"were jus purely imaginary images pictured by ur brain after recieving information from the other person which were mistook by urself as "truth tt happend." and u will thusforth accept tt that incident, rly did happend in ttt manner as described by the other person.
ya bushwa~ haha new word i jus learnt. meaning rubbishy nonsense loL!. but well worth a thought.
well ya my bro told me tt he doesnt remb me as a kid. like he's got memories of me as a baby, den the nxt thing he remb, im alr a teen. hahaha sadly i..dont haf much memories of myself as a kid as well. LOL. and yea i retained more info of myself when i was a teen. meh so i guess blogging helps, it helps to remind me of wad im like, when i was younger.
yea anw so i was sayingggg, mayb...just mayb, mayb i was never a kid, tt time frame didn occur, since nobdy has memories of it, my life got fast forwarded and i bcame a teenager.while nobdy realized. heh. tt explains. :) nah im not crazy. jus random strange thoughts. baba.
and yea i wld love to alter my memories.... removing all those tt makes me unhappy.
a lil overdosed on alcohol which made me kinda, lost some memories. these happens so darned often which i hate. memories are impt, and i feel rly unhappy when i lost em. met sm1 real cute and funny ytd, chat abit but i guess the alcohol made me rly funny as in the weird type of funny, not the good humorous way whatnot. but neh, interesting convo we had.
went to work wif a hangover. god, tt felt horrible. felt like vomiting but i dont think its gonna help much, endured thru wif almost less than half of my full physical potential. haha layman terms? im feel fked up and cant move properly. i survived, reached hm wif tt black face and i srsly wan to slp but i needa wait for dinner first, had a rather nice dinner and went hm to slp after tt. den. YES. cant slp now. 1:03am.=.= and i needa wake up early tml. zzz
: soOoo. story abt altered memories :
jus random thoughts hahaha. there.. wld be times wherby you wont haf a certain memory of smthing tt happned to u and some1, who supposingly was in the same place, witnessing the incident reminds u, tells u abt wad happend. den some bits and pieces of memories sorta came back to ur brain and u accepts it as a reality tt really happened. but, hw true can tt be? mayb the "memories"were jus purely imaginary images pictured by ur brain after recieving information from the other person which were mistook by urself as "truth tt happend." and u will thusforth accept tt that incident, rly did happend in ttt manner as described by the other person.
ya bushwa~ haha new word i jus learnt. meaning rubbishy nonsense loL!. but well worth a thought.
well ya my bro told me tt he doesnt remb me as a kid. like he's got memories of me as a baby, den the nxt thing he remb, im alr a teen. hahaha sadly i..dont haf much memories of myself as a kid as well. LOL. and yea i retained more info of myself when i was a teen. meh so i guess blogging helps, it helps to remind me of wad im like, when i was younger.
yea anw so i was sayingggg, mayb...just mayb, mayb i was never a kid, tt time frame didn occur, since nobdy has memories of it, my life got fast forwarded and i bcame a teenager.while nobdy realized. heh. tt explains. :) nah im not crazy. jus random strange thoughts. baba.
and yea i wld love to alter my memories.... removing all those tt makes me unhappy.
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