Just another yesterday's idea

So tt marks the end of this week's work schedule. It's pretty... Tiring, given tt I can't slp the night b4 for some unknown reasons. And I wonder why can't I behave cooly as per normal. Something inside me.. Is different and I don't noe what.

Yes am freaking tired after work today but I can't seem to be able to fall asleep at all. And so, I'm mega tired for the rest of the NigHt. DEN, my body started telling me tt "c'mon cy, GET SOME BEER PLS" and yes, uve guessed correctly. I went to get it, and I drank it. Lol as expected, I only managed to get outta my bed at like 3+pm wth.

Suddenly thinking abt some past stuff a lot these few days, perhaps it's jus me trying to distract myself frm the books, a pathetic defence mechanism of my brain trying to take a break frm studying lol. And now I'm mighty behind schedule and tt sucked. My lack of motivation sucked more. Everything else seemed so interesting to me nw, but.. I must press on. Must press on.

Less work days nxt week. Totally contemplating to quit On my way home. But... It doesn't feel gd if I jus left like tt, I pretty much wanna give em hell before I go. So.. Let's see wad I can do.

unfufillable dreams.

have u woke up from dreams that are actually seems to be an alternate outcome of certain incidents in ur lives if u haf nt did wad u did. tt dream..i was so happy in it to the point tt im on e verge of shedding tears of joy. with ppl clapping and cheering for me as i was reaching my destination, and den i woke up.
haaha i guess ive had awesome adventure in tt alternate dimension and the time has come for me to go back to my reality. so 'pop'

im back here. no one at home, no one.. ok one of my fren msged me and yea im 2 days behind my studying schedule. for some reason im super drained out ytd, mayb im too used to having a very relaxed lifestlye. lol. oh anw i finally met up with my frens who're back frm taiwan, as predicted. tt lie i told is starting to haunt me and well its like they noe i lied, i know that they noe i lied, but im jus gonna avoid tt topic in whole. cuz its like a wound tt nv heals and the more i touch it, the more its gonna hurt. well i didn mean to hide frm u guys anw, if i wanted to, i noe i can do it without anyone knowing but u noe, nah.

so argh im suddenly outta ideas, ill.. probably update later. bye. for now :)





Yes so my brain's pretty much dead in the day. Constantly craving for e bed and every other stuff except for studying. Sighh. K so wher was I, oh yea frens. I don't know if I made the right move in trying to remove as much as I can after I failed last yr, but I do think tt I needed some quietness and less ppl to explain to. As I've said a million times, nw tt I'm pretty much free, instead of enthusiastically trying to meet up wif all of my frens, I'm spending more time repaying my debt for being a burden to my family, always showing up to eat free food and not contributing much for them cuz I'm supposed to be 'studying for exams' well, tt excuse works pretty well all the way till, erms this final year tt I jus went thru, it felt to me tt they'd go like "lousy retaining loser".. Well yes I deserved it and I'm nt rly complaining. But well I'll try to go out of my way to please u ppl. However, I guess tt might cause them to start doubting my intentions as well, nonetheless, I'll do wad I can.?

Nxt, abt jobs, I'm totally feeling inadequate for any job tt I see on those hiring ads, nt to mention tt they are lookin for ppl who's got like experience. Those employers looking for entry level employees are also stating tt they are looking for ppl wif GOOD results AND/OR ppl with good internships. Heh. Makes me think tt I'm so so so pretty damn minuscule. -_- I wonder where my confidence went to. I'm. Such an eyesore even to myself these days. Tsk.

The journey.

I've been wanting to go on a journey these days. Heh. Not tt kind of journey ure thinking abt but just a short trip to buy some stuff. Haven't rly went out for a walk since.. God knows when. Lol previously I was bz preparing for my exams, den I started preparing for cfa. And I feel so detached frm the world even tho I'm always walking outside, I'm always outside with a destination in mind like going to work, going to study, going to eat. And not jus hanging out for the sake of hanging out. :| so I wld rly like to do tt someday soon. Like jus chill and walk ard, eating random stuff and not being bothered by other things

I wanted to go today but.. The thought of having a pretty decent free dinner at home deterred me. Lol. Wanted to jus get out of the house and stay out of those weird ass 'dinner meetings' ( bro's gf) but.. The cost of avoiding this thingy is pretty high. Haha. Like of cuz I haf to settle my own dinner. And I wld lose some precious studying time, and.! I'd Hafta find someone to haf dinner wif me and tt wld be pretty much a hassle so, I guess I wld jus stick ard. :>

So yes, I'm still constantly hanging by the edge of the schedule which i had for myself, tho I wld say "why nt cut some slack" hmm, I'm nt good enuf to do tt yet, and I'm slack enuf as it is nw, lol. Wasted a lot of time in the midday watching lame ass cartoons and napping. -__- so.. I guess I shld keep trying and use quantity to overcome the lack of quality.

K tts it for nw. H.m why am I thinking of u.

Meant to break

Abit slow but I only caught the meaning behind the lyrics recently, lol here goes:

"Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes
I know that we were made to break
So what? I don't mind 

I'm gonna stay the night"

Tt shows the sharp contrast between someone hearing smth for a million times and someone actually listening to it once. Heh. It kinda struck me, behind tt awesome dj-ing, there's actually some mini meanings behind the whole song lol. Mayb I'm thinking too much into it but well ok.

If u noe tt smth were meant to break, will u still go ahead and jus live wif it for the day.? Even tho the ending ain't beautiful, at least it's not ugly, isn't tt good enuf.? Trying to resist the urge every other moment and I think for nw I'm doing a gd job at it hahaha. It's like cy once said, how much u are willing to sacrifice to achieve ur goal will determine the probability of achieving it. If ure gonna gif up everything for it, u will get closer to it.
Yea now I haf a goal and I'm trying to get to it. Heh and u... Will most likely get in my way so. I Hafta remove u.

Oh yea trying to get used to irritating and stuck up ppl at work, it's kinda... Nt appealing but I guess I can manage tt. Heh, a preparation for the ugly world out there, and I wonder if I'm ready for it. Perhaps.. Yes I am. ;)) 

-__- back to studying. 

The same way home

So I'm on my way home frm work. On a somewhat similar route. Jus tt this time I came frm somewher else far away than b4. The freaking long journey home is pretty unappealing but well.. Let's see when these will end.

Had a can of beer last night and it was... Pretty much not enuf heh. But it feels pretty nice tt I'm able to drink it again.. For free lol. But as expected, I had to pay the price this morning cuz I totally felt slpy and u noe, the 'awake but I'm nt gettig out of this bed' feeling and I didn manage to study a lot. Thus I'm hyper mega behind schedule. Ha.. But ok I'll Tryta make up fr it tml, since I ain't working and stuff.
So I guess, it felt like I had loads of time bcuz... Yea I haven't rly met up wif my frens for q a while. Wad.? Yes abt mths.? Tts pretty sad but. I think it's still fine cuz time will tell, who are those tt stays, and those who leaves after u lost ur usefulness. I'll.. Get them back. When I get my job. Heh. Catch up sessions? Yes pls. Mofos.

Haha so for now I'm gonna save money as much as I can. I hope I can rly endure thru these days since I'm nt spending any money except for taking the bus to work and frm work. Food gotta come frm work... And home hahaha. Tt is my plan. For now.

So money, cfa, family, frens.... If possible. Oh I think I'm hungry nw. Tsk ok let's go cy.. Haf a lil rest and den go and study ok.? Yea

Living and let live

wad it's a week after my last paper. Didn manage to study a lot last week due to lots of reasons here n dere wif loads of random spendings. Mega tired last night for some unknown reason and I fell aslp at like 9pm.? Hah. Jobs. Oh jobs. I haven't looked thru it yet eh. But well, mayb... Soon.? Tho time is not on my side this time ard. But still, i strongly believed tt gd things are worth waiting for. If smth is chose due to a moment of impulse (w/o knowing the other options fully) one is bound to regret tt decision sooner or later. so yes. It's gon wait for a while.

I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to.

Oh so abt my new workplace.. Things are pretty.. Normal. I hope things won't escalate downwards coz u noe, it's nt rly tt fabulous as of nw. Ppl were saying abt all the politics there and stuff but, I didn get to hear any so... U noe, if u didn hear anything abt other ppl, means they are talking abt u, or they are jus nt talking abt u. Lol. Tho it might sound pretty stupid but to specify, I meant tt they are talking bad abt u behind ur back or ure jus transparent in their eyes. Nowher close to friendship and stuff. But regardless. I don't belong here anw, I'm jus a temporary presence in tt dimension tt is bound to disappear someday soon. No probs. sry if I caused u any trouble, I jus wanted to stay low profile and jus keep out of everyone's way if possible heh.

Nonetheless, it's jus my 3rd day here so. Neh mayb I'll be able to haf a gd relation wif them or, I'll jus leave before tt happens. I'll do my best and, yup, stay out of stuff. Teh heh.:)

Tsk must.. Study.! LOL screw my lazy ass. Tsk

How long has it been

Wad...3days.? Sure did seem like helluva time to me. But nt rly. I didn rly did much these days. Wells yes went to work on tue.. tt wasn't particularly pleasant but.. I'll Tryta get used to it yea.? Heh, and ummm. Oh I bought my family a pretty.. Nice.? Some overpriced bak kut teh. But well ok. I rly do needa thank my family for Wadever support they gave me. Tho I can't rly think of any atm, perhaps not getting in my way or raining harsh words on me helped pretty much. I won't say tt they don't depise me for failing, but at least I didn hear their negative comments so it's nt tt bad. I'm totally fine wif ppl not helping, and I'm rly thankful if no one stood in my way. And they didn so I'm glad.? Kind of.

Heh. Studying wasn't rly going too well these days. I'm super sleepy in the day for some unknown reason. But well. I rly gotta buck up frm tml onwards.? K mayb sat. Hahaha. Cuz I'm working tml. Ugh tt very thought kinda disgusts me to a great extend. Wel fine.

Anw, been restraining myself pretty hard these days. It's for the greater good. Even if u can't see it now, mayb someday u will uds. If u bothered to look back wif a more matured mentality. It was a mistake to begin wif. It wldve been ideal if the seed of future problems are weeded out b4 it grew deep roots. So yea. I hope I can do so frm my part too. The lonliness tt I'm handling.. Ain't rly helping. Argh argh. Yea k fk it. Lol

Side note: had a rly weird random dream today. It felt surreal. And left me wif some lingering sorrow. But tt won't affect me since I'm so so so different frm back then  I've alrdy matured into.. Well not. Ive always been like this since then. The only thing tt changed was the distance between us. So. I'm gon wipe tt part of memory away I guess.

"Delete."

begining

everything tt has a beginning has an end, when one thing ends, another thing begins. slightly looking forward to it yays.
so its like this, im done like for real this time. wif my uni studies. and much as i wanna to talk abt all those sad stuffs tt happened before tt led up to this moment, i decided not to. cuz i dont think tt there are any wrong decisions. cuz, as a door shuts, another door opens. i dont think i rly wasted this year, i see smth more than living life and jus barely surviving. now.. i see it. i want to do well. i want to shove shit into ppl's face. i wanna step on their bloody heads. and tt shall be my motivation to wanna do well. heh =)

so yes. my future..seems slightly clearer now, at least i haf a direction tt i wanna go to. so yup. heres to a new beginning. and the end of other things. i hope.

lost no more.

Limit.

So I was thinking why am I so unable to concentrate ytd even after I showered and drank coffee. So I guess tts where my mental limit is. Or rather the limit of my "brain". While my mind is dead set on studying, I can't concentrate, can't absorb, can't comprehend. So my body moved ard to help stimulate my brain but alas, even with all those external stimulants. It didn work. I slept.

And even now, I'm barely awake. Tiredness. This sucks pretty much cuz it has nth much to do wif willpower. It ain't smth like "I will definitely learn smth if I sit here staring at this for 2hrs" so it sucks.
Well.. At least tt help me wif smth. Like it provided a gd feedback and I guess if I noe wad is wrong, I can improve on it.
My willpower is strong, but theres only so much my brain can take.
.
.
.
And so I'm continuing after my paper, how to say, I'm pretty lucky.? The qns looks pretty familiar to me. Like the ones tt I somehow focused on, how Lucky can I be. So well still tired as shit. Won't say tt I'm gon score well but... At least it's nt a horrible paper wher I start cursing all the gods for pulling a fast one on me while I'm doing the paper. And no, wasn't thinking abt wad I shld haf for lunch too. Heh so.. I think it's a gd one. One interesting thought flashed through my mind tho ,"oh it's been abt 1 hr and I'm tired, can I jus stop now"

Teh heh.
"Time was your only ally, but now, even it had forsakened u."

On the way

Currently am on the way to the airport for a long awaited getaway. :))
Not.
Going early to study probably since.. Singapore' traffic is pretty scary during the peak hours tt I Duno extends frm wad time to wad time. Cuz according to my experience, normally work starts at 8+9.? But some how the crowd is still pretty scary at 9++. So wad exactly are those ppl, i don't noe, I'll find out soon.?

So yes, took an early bus ride and Mrt ride to avoid the crowd. The long train ride was supposed to let me haf a good slp to make up for my lack of it. Haven't been sleeping well for q a while now. But I can't seem to b able to fall aslp atm so I jus stoned. While at the same time thinking and planning out my future. At least what to do for the nxt few mths. I was so engrossed in thinking abt the future tt I almost forgot abt the present. I guess tt happened to me pretty frequently these days. I think so much abt my future tt I... Forgot tt I haf to get thru this exam first no matter what. So.! Yea I'm back to reality wif a snap of the fingers. Argh. It's... Gonna be so tiring today and tml... And the nxt few days but.. I'll try my best to move my burnt out body.. To study..

Let's go cy.

Gloom.

Yay.! So I finished one major paper today.! And it's pretty much a job pretty okaylly done. Lol. Not.

Hah. Well I'm rly glad tt I had helluva good start but, apparently this paper was like way easier than last year's paper. A part of me was thinking damn this shit, if this came out last year, I wldnt haf had to take again this year, y didn they set smth harder so tt I can shine better,( well cuz I've studied q abit of those hard qns, non-standard types) but well, since I'm able to do this paper pretty well, and all I hoped for was a pass, I shldn be too upset abt anything yea.?

Tt aside, had some trouble trying to slp last night cuz of prolly caffeine.? Or exam stress, so I went to read my own blog post frm Many years ago cuz I was thinking if it's alr the 10th year tt I'm blogging, lol. But nope, 9years and counting. Heh. Anw  I noticed the Trend of the contents of my blogs tho, it gets... Gloomier as time goes by. I wonder if it's the same for everyone else but, perhaps:

(1) tt cuz ppl started experiencing more unhappiness and their whole character gets darker as they grow old, well growing up in this harsh world ain't ez.

(2) perhaps my purpose for blogging changed over the years.? Well apparently it was first created to let ppl read abt my life happenings.? Then blogging started losing the heat among my peers, ppl stopped blogging. I wonder if it's a worldwide trend or it's jus tt ppl stop doing tt when they grew older. Well I restarted blogging cuz... I was bored.? Lol yea cuz I had nth to do at work wif a comp and internet in front of my face. So.! Blogging to me now is like a platform,? For me to express all my unhappiness, prolly jus a little bit of happiness.( nt many gd things happens to me anw) ya. Expressing my pent up anger since.. As an adult, I can't rly jus go rant and curse and swear at Wadever unhappiness tt I'm facing yea.? Learnt to tolerate, learnt tt somethings are fine even if they aren't ideal. Unhappy but, change wasn't rly necessary.
So ya. Perhaps tts y my entries get darker and darker

So.! Tt said, perhaps I shall jot down stuffs tts happy.? Hah. First paper wif greatest weightage is done and I think I did satisfactorily.? If there's this word.
And I finally got to play band hero wif my bro. Tho.. It didn't rly bcome v fun prolly cuz of my fatigued body, but.. Loved it. Heh.

Urged to escape.

K so I managed to wake up earlier today and dragged my ass out of my hse like 1.5hrs earlier.? Which was nice. Somehw I loved how quiet and cozy it is in the morning since there's no animals running ard and making a lot of noise. No I'm not studyin in a zoo lol. But u noe, kids are pretty much like animals, untamed wild creatures who barely gif a damn abt what ppl say, who don't rly care abt wad the world is like and such. Well, we were all wild animals to begin wif, jus tt after a hell lot of evolutions over the thousands of millenniums, Homo sapiens tot of taming other living objects, but well, ironically, the first thing tt they tamed supposingly was themselves. Den, everything else.

It's kinda weird tt after so many millenniums of like evolution, we made hell lots of things and changed how the world looked totally, manipulating things as tho we were gods, but well, humans created nth. Creating something prolly means making something out of nth, so yea. We're nt tt great, jus... Arrogant creatures.
Oh wad I wanted to say was, we made so many changes to everything ard us, but nth much changed within us. Still.. Trapped in this fragile physical body tts so ez to destroy. Perhaps tt shld be our nxt direction for a great revolution. Changing ourselves instead of the things ard us.

Well if ure thinking what's tt gotta do wif anything, I'm jus taking this time to think abt everything else tt doesn't concern my studies lol. Cuz I hate knowing my limitations, cuz when I'm looking and doing practice qns, I feel.. Helpless. My brain can't comprehend what's written there, even if I was able to comprehend smth, I can't remb it. So tt sucked. Nonetheless I'm nt gonna gif up. Cuz I can't. So.. I'm jus letting my brain, my mind, escape all these for a little while.

Heh, so... Ok time to return to my world.

Here. Fear. Near.2

So it's coming. Theoretically it's gon be ez cuz u noe, since I've had more than enuf time to study,( supposingly) but.. The more I study the more I understand the module, the more I understood the depth of it. Like, it's so deep tt I can suffocate if I haf to understand the whole module. Whatever theorem I understood always didn come out,  or it wld be me forgetting how to regurgitate out the same theorem. Tts pretty depressing.

Especially when.. Uve seen failure once and u noe how scary it is, and how ez it is to fail. Issues are starting to pile up, money, career, studies yes, human relations etc, while they are pretty much linked, a huge lump of my life is pretty screwed up nw, being strong.. I'm tryin my best to contain all these problems but.. It's.. It's quite abit much to bear at this moment. Wif no one to share it wif, wif so many other things tt needs to be done.. I'm tired. I'll prolly feel better in a few hrs time but... This moment.. I rly need smth. Smth tt can help me move forward.

Yea. And I'm getting cracked just by some random minor issue tt jus happened. Tsk fk me.

Fear is near, it is.. Here.

Just one yesterday.

Do u feel haf tt feeling whereby, u saw someone who kinda resembles somebody u haven't seen for a while, and u somehow understood tt ya, "tts definitely not her" but u can't help to take multiple glances and it kinda warms u inside.

Though I noe tts not u, but jus another look will remind me of u, and it makes me feel abit happier.

Heh. Well. Tt aside, haven't been able to slp well recently and have been thinking q abit abt my future... Tt seemed abit far off since.. What I want to do is most likely not wad I'm very knowledgeable in. Wif a lot of thoughts of "argh.. I shldve done this last yr, I shldve done tt earlier etc.." Tt didn help me to slp better.

Had a little beer at my bro's hse ytd. In which I rly don't feel like going cuz I haven't done a lot of studying ytd but... I can't rly say no to my bro. Lol since.. He's like very happy tt we're interested in gg over. I can prolly guess why, putting myself in his shoes.. After taking care of kids like everyday, seeing us and crapping wif us wldve felt so refreshing lol.

Ain't it the same for everyone else.? Since young u will want a house, a car of ur own. But when u finally haf it, u will want to see ur family every once in a while. Which... Most likely won't be the case.  Since, u noe, ure living in another house now and any sane person won't be visiting ur hse like every other day, other ppl haf their own things to do as well u see. Heh. So yea, don't be too eager to move out of ur hse, independence and freedom is most frequently accompanied by lonliness and realization of the importance of ur family, tt is if u haf a normal family.

K tt aside, slept for damn long today, damn tt beer.. It made my body so attached to my bed.-__- woke up at like 1140 wherby my lesson is supposed to be at 12. .. Well there goes my last lesson. Tsk. Nonetheless, I'm gonna rly Hafta.. Rly study. ArghHgH.! Fk me. Must.. Concentrate. •_•

Here. Fear. Near.

I've had many thoughts but apparently every single thought is nt sufficient to be blog worthy heh. So today I'm jus gonna write bout some consolidated thoughts ok.? Ha.

First topic: DADs

I meant fathers lol.  Well.. Apparently my bro is carrying tt title now and I felt rly.. Weird. Like the brother who sent me to school on a bicycle, the brother who's feet smells like salted fish after soccer, the brother who argued wif me abt all those stupid stuffs is actually a father now. Tt... Kinda.. Seem pretty hard to sink into my mind. Well he's got problems on his own too, being a father is nv ez. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and prolly my dad's shoes, it totally felt bad. Well... I tried putting it in words but apparently i.. Can't. Hahaha anw, dads are.. Sad. LOl. I totally feel tt my dad is an asshole for like 10+ years. And I don't think how it feels to be treated as an asshole for so long by ur own child.. If u noe wad I meant. While I don't think tt my father loves me less than my mum, but the difference in terms of closeness is.. Heh, pretty much different.
Yea I'm gonna try to work on tt and well. Hope my bro will be able to do well. JIAYOU PLS.

2nd: Love.
Well. Love is such a weird thingy. U can love a lot of ppl in ur life but u can only be wif one person at the end of the day. Being tgt ain't smth abt jus the 2 of us. I.. Always knew it but..I guess it's only when u get older den u will really be bothered abt all these. Like, how ur frens feel, how ur parents feel, how will her frens and family feel. All of it starts becoming an impt point when it comes to choosing ur partner. The feelings between the 2 of u is alrdy mre than enuf.? Think again.
It's such a troublesome issue to me. As.. I hate goodbyes. No matter how many times it is.. There will be these ultra indescribable feel of lost when u haf to hold back ur tears and tell the other person who.. Might be crying tt u cAnt be tgt anymore. We cannot make more happy memories tgt anymore.. We haf to disappear slowly and agonizingly frm each other's lives. Even tho time heals all wounds.. But.. The idea of having to go thru it again is... Rly... Not very welcoming.
As I've always said recently, I'm better off being there for everyone else other than belonging to one person. I.. Love myself and the freedom much more after all.

3rd: Fear.
I suddnly realised.. Why do I haf so much fears recently.. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of losing smth tt I cherished, I.. Am totally weak. Shall I jus cast aside all those fear and jus go wif it.? Many of u wldve tot tt shld be the best way out but... On the contrary, I felt tt sufficient fear is pretty helpful. Because u fear of failing, u will wanna work hard so tt ur fear will not come true. Fear of being judged will make u wanna make urself looking perfect in front of other ppl while covering up all ur shortcomings, I suppose they call this "image". While the fear of losing something.. Makes u make the effort to make sure it stays.

I hope I'm clear Enuf wif the topic on.. Fear.? But I suppose I'm fearing wayyyyy too much so... I guess I shall.. Try to rid of some of em and go ahead in all the challenges in life. I suppose I won't die from those and, being cliche, wad tt doesn't kills me makes me stronger.

I don't intend on jus lying down there and look away frm other ppl's eyes of disdain. I'm gonna stare into their eyes wif such power and make them avoid my eyes.

Alright.. Gon go back to studying.

Insomnia.

I nv tot I wld haf this kind of problem since I'm totally the sleeping monster. Like someone who can totally slp for 10++ hrs w/o problems.
So yea I can't slp again. While I'm trying to study I feel so lethargic and can't even seem to focus my eyesight, so I chose to slp, but well, nth of tt sort happened so. Might as well blog abt smth.

Haha these few days has been pretty Uneventful wif all those ppl graduating and stuff,  I don't feel q happy abt it. so ya. totally can't seem to concentrate for Wadever fk reason. So yea ok. I'm trying my best to keep myself to myself so... It's... Not very ez but I'll try.

so ya uve got first class honors? Hahaha I think so but well... Gd for u.:) remb 1/2 of it belonged to me ok. Bleh.. I rly wonder how uve been nowadays but.. Haha I guess I don't haf the need to find out abt u, nor the right to. Same for u. As in the other u.

Along the way.. Ive removed so many things tt may disrupt my mood, namely frens. Haha cuz I totally don't like telling ppl how fail I am. So... To all those ppl who seemed to b cut off frm my life.. I promise. I totally promise u tt ill get it back I'll get all of u back into my life after these is over and after I... Settle down ok..? As for those who were wif me nowadays.. Thank u so much.

But life is unfair, if u ain't gon be useful to me in the future, hehe. Ya ill try my best to keep in touch wif u ppl ok.? Lol


So.! Main point being... To my uni frens.. And my jc frens and sec sch frens, I'll come back to find all of u.. After these is over... And after I got my life back on track.! Ok.?

Fast

Last week seemed to pass by so slowly, while this week seemed to haf been over in just a flash, needa go back to sch soon, like tue.?

Well.. The exam mood is coming up again but... I'm spending so much time slacking, dreaming, sleeping, playing games, etc. Bleh. See how it goes yea.

I belonged to everyone. I belonged to myself. No other one person shld haf the privilege of having me unless I gave u the permission. Understand? No.? Well ok.

My own world

So I think i jus realised smth impt ytd. By eliminating a lot of my frens frm my circle and keeping only a few left, it seems tt I've successfully created a small world of my own.

A world which I feel comfortable wif. A world, I didn wanna get out frm. It struck me ytd when I finally met up wif my frens, it's been a while and ya they are concerned abt me and all. Since I haven't been all tt truthful and all. I can't face it properly yet. Tt look of disdain, heh, I don't think anyone can get used to it eh.

So... I suppose it's time tt.. I step out of my world, open tt door which I shut it so tightly. Well... Goodbye to u.. I'm sry abt tt but if ure able to look frm a broader point of view, I'm trying to hurt us both and for ur greater happiness. I hope things work out the way I wanted.

I hope u won't be too hurt. I haf to do this.

For peace.

How long has it been. A week and erm 2 days.? Heh, it certainly felt kinda long to me since I'm not doing much these days.
Prolly an update on life in case no one noes what I'm up to these days. Haaha everyday was spent rather peacefully for me. Since... Lessons will resume on April and I'm outta job and all. Money is kinda becoming a problem lol. Things started looking expensive and I'm rly trying to reduce my spending as much as I can but.. Well, things still happen, spendings still occur:| even tho I rly thought I did well this week.

Studying has been quite.. Not productive these days tho, since I wanted to save money and tried to stay home as much as I can. The bed, the comp and everything else is so... Tempting to me. Lol
Oh and.! I've resumed cycling, hahaha tt bike has been hanging there for so darn long and dust and dirt and dead leaves had been accumulating dere.-__- welll I took the effort to.. Clean up. So it's nice, good to go. Yay. All that in an attempt to reduce the amt of fats in my body lol. Yea u didn see wrongly, I felt tt I'm getting fat in some ways. Zzz

Namely the abdominal region. So.... Going thru some diet control and exercise routines. It felt kinda... Bad but well saves money too. So it's a 2 birds wif 1 stone ya .?
Uh tts abt all for now.

Going past the places which reminds me of u. Makes me feel funnily stupid n I can't help but think y was I so foolish, but well even wif tt said, I guess I wldve done the same if the same situation occurred again. 

Peace out.

goodbyes..2

slightly late. hmm 2 days? well.. finished work on thur and... was drinking happily on the night itself and slept for the nxt few days. heh

okay so i recieved a couple of thank you cards and stuff which is supposingly q sweet but... well... ok. i haf ppl whom ive nv seen b4 coming to tell me wad a pity tt this place is closing down and all. it simply felt like a sarcastic scorn. well did i mention it b4? but uh. this kind of ppl are... not worth entertaining.
fond memories.. reluctance to leave, a place full of nice memories tts gonna disappear. i wonder how it feels. uhh am kinda glad tt i actually worked to the point whereby i haf more unhappiness here than happiness. if not im not sure of how it wldve affected me. heh.

i feel... relieved. i felt.. freedom, happiness. haha sharp contrast to how others feel. goodbyes.. are necessary, cuz i dont think we will meet anymore.

ok do i haf to gif a brief summary ? ok i shall. short and sweet

uhh well it started as a challenge. at a pretty low point of life, i told myself tt if i can stretch my physical limits.. i shld try, if i can do smth tt i hate, perhaps i will bcome a better person. so i sucked. horribly. and then i became ok. and den ppl started telling me tt im good. which...i totally disagree wif. lOL. den came a time when i haf to go.
den i came back, well.. why did i.. cuz i wanted a particular someone to taste the coffee i make. ha...it ended pretty miserably. and! jus when i am ready to leave again, there happens my worse lost? i lost my hp and wallet and found myself being thrown into a financial pinch. heh... so i decided to continue for a while. and i tot tt its nt tt bad to make coffee for other ppl. for grateful customers, they were part of the reason why i stayed. ok so i stayed, and became a manager, having more responsibilities and all simply bcoz i cant rly stand the thought of working under someone who's less able than i am. SO, i had a say in most things. and i gave my all.
i made a makeshift family sort of scenerio, and i feel tt we're kinda bonded well. and den... i had to leave again. all the while.. even when im not ard, i still care. perhaps tt caused a huge blow on my academics. its not worth it but.. im not sane enuf to do both well.so.. i failed my own challenge to myself.

SO, i came back for an answer. and.. tho the answer wasnt wad i wanted..i started losing interest. den i started seeing how low some ppl are. started feeling tt its their honour to b served by me. started looking down on ppl. started being wad i didn want to be. but well.. i perservered. and tho each day seems very difficult to get by. i got by all of em. and i endured these unhappiness till the day it closed.
i did it. i completed smth.. which i rly hate so much.

service.

tt look of disdain tt ppl gave. tt haughty attitude tt ppl showed me. the shabby work attitudes tt my colleague gave me. i.. will remember it and i will remeber it well. for wad purpose.. i dont noe, but well its gotta affect my life.

to those who were thankful, to those who were nice. i sincerely thank u. and i apologize for my below excellent service attitude. well its simply bcoz of all the other ppl who made my mood foul. i..sincerely thank u ppl. its my pleasure, i wish tt u will haf a good life.

well.. to those final few ppl who worked.. i sincerely hope u all the best in life too. cuz frm ur work performance here, it sucked. i hope its bcuz of somebdy tt made u wad u bcame. kindly... gif a different attitude in life, all the best

oops. i guess tt bcame q long.

uhhh so. tts.. the end of this chapter. i am happy. i finally obtained. freedom.
im glad i saw u even at the end. haha. even if its jus a glance, jus a moment. its enuf. goodbye. farewell. i really hope tt one day, we will really meet again. and we will be able to talk like normal .

annyeong hi ki sae yo.