When my heart starts beating again.

How long has it been since my last update. Hmm lazy to check so I shall leave it as it is. People always hoped tt they cld go back in time to change their present state, while forgetting tt what they do today determines their future. This basic rule of life has been neglected by so many people.

Had so many moments which I wanted to re-live again but den again, I guess I Hafta trust myself tt, at that given moment, given situation, I've made the right choice. No one wldve known how it wldve turned out and I think I didn leave any regrets.
And I thought tt if I had the courage to reach out for u, I'll be able to grab ur hands. Well I guess tts not gonna happen. So much for my preparation. So long. I hope u... Won't haf a good life:) and then u will remb the times wher someone treated u so damn well. and den u can start regretting. Heh.

My time is almost up. I haf to say gdbye to my slack life, whether I like it or not. But it wldve been a new start to my life I suppose. I've gone thru some shit, and I've learnt and grown.. To become what I am now. So plz, gif me a good life ahead of me.? I'm sure tt I will work hard to achieve it.

But for nw.. Let's jus chill and take my own sweet time studying this darned dry "ownership rights" chapter. Argfh

When it starts beating again, I'll try to be less bothered with my pride. I promise.

interesting.

That marked the end of mhan's wedding. Was pretty fun. And had gd food. Only sad thing is tt I jus had to get drunk again. So tt sucked so much.

Wells.. It was rly nice hanging out wif my frens and u noe, spending money to haf fun. It was interesting and it made me not wanting to go back into my hermit lifestyle. Cuz being wif my frens...rly put a wide smile on my face. And I won't haf the cheek to face ALL of my frens if I ain't able to step out of my comfort zone, and get a freaking job.

I want. To. Step outside so much.

the journey fufilled.

Not tt I... Ok I can't rly focus on studying at home, cuz u noe, my bed is so... Attractive all day long. And my fone's begging me to touch it every now and then. And thus I finally made it a point to step outta my hse today disregarding any issues like "waste of money, waste of time" etc. It wld be nice to step out and take a look at the world around me every once in a while after all.

I felt tt I rly needed tt fresh air.

Nonetheless, even tho it wasn't that productive for me, I wld like to say tt it's nt a bad choice after all.
Rly wanted to drink ytd night but somehow I managed to stop my self from doing it. yays.
well

For peace.

I wonder why are ppl Constantly trying to bring down others. No matter how the humans evolve, they can't co-inhabit this world peacefully. I meant the real real peacefulness, tho it's pretty much peaceful in majority of the world, not mentioning the tragic happenings in the Middle East, or the previous event in Eastern Europe.

I'm talking abt the more micro thingies. If u can follow my flow. In a classroom, there will be at least one or 2 person(or mayb more) ure nt tt close to and u wld hope tt they cld jus vanish jus so tt everyone ard u is "ur close fren". Or mayb there will be ppl u hate and u don't like and u will badmouth the person whenever u get the chance. For. Wad. To give oneself a sense of superiority, by verbally bringing a person down infront of someone who "agrees" with u, behind tt victim's back. Well in work places, the game is pretty much played differently, previously u cld jus ignore the person or, jus u noe, get a bunch of frens and bully tt person or smth. In the working environment, well, although u still do the badmouthing, u try to do it as discreetly as u can. Despite saying tt "not tt I wanna talk behind ppl's back but bla bla bla, or haiyo tt guy ah... Hai yah... *shakes head* " etc etc and den , when they are in front of the person of topic, they will act as tho nth happened, and mayb chat and smile like they are real frens. They call it being diplomatic, or Wadever term u might wanna phrase it, tho in a sense, it's pretty much pure hypocrisy.

Facing these kind of things daily. And being able to hone my.. 'Diplomatic' skills for the past few years, smth inside me changed as well. Well of cuz whenever I'm conscious I'll try my best not to be one of those ppl who.. U noe, yea but sometimes... It jus comes out. the words jus flows outta my mouth and I became like one of them. I'll jus try to minimize it but, on the hindsight. I hope tt I wldve Enuf courage to speak to the people involved in front of their faces too. Like sincerely, for the sake of their personal improvement. Tho many times I've been proven tt my words won't be able to Change their character... I'll.. Try ok. And yea I will try my best to improve myself too.

I want to be different. I want to be above everyone else, by not bringing anyone down and understanding their strengths and weaknesses, and helping them improve if possible.

Well the whole thing came bcoz of my brothers actually. Even after knowing each other for 20+ 30+ years, and staying tgt for abt 20+ years, ppl are still not able to uds each other thoroughly. I wonder why. Izzit becoz they haf nv ever tried to know the other party, or izzit tt the other party nv intended to let himself be read at all.

Some minor disagreements arose these few days due to my bro's wedding. I sincerely hope tt they don't take these too seriously bcoz.. U noe, we're brothers. And I sincerely do not hope tt we will be uncomfortable hanging out with each other, or rather, enemies wldve been the worst case scenerio.

Yea. I'll see wad I can do.

Will humans ever be able to attain true peace.? Frm a Macro and micro perspective.

wrench.

Times whereby u tot ure alr over it, den seeing smth tt brings back all the memories. Tt moment where u felt as tho someone jus squeezed ur heart  literally. Haha had tt moment last night but well. It rly jus lasted for a while but still, lols.

Pretty not a constructive Friday cuz I went jogging, and den I slept. LOl. And I went to causeway point in hope tt I'll be able to find nice special cakes for my mother. But ended up realizing tt the shops available are pretty much the same as the ones in bukit panjang. Hence I headed back to bpp instead. Total waste of time and transport fare.
So my brothers wanted to come back wif their wives to u noe, celebrate oh wait. I had the intention of buying pizzas for my mum since there's this 2 pizzas for blabla dollars. So yea I tot if it's jus 2 more ppl, I guess there's enuf pizza to go ard. Suddenly, another bro of mine decided to come for pizza as well,( originally he said he's not coming) and yea. I tot I needed more. It's pretty ex to me cuz my income is merely half or less than half of my previous income. Yea I'm a leech at home so yea, bought 4 of em nonetheless.
After tt I gt this bad premonition, so I called home. And my mum told me tt she alr cooked dinner. wtfbbq. Yes, I alr told her tt I'm gon buy pizza so told her nt to cook. I totally felt tt I jus threw my pocket money tt cldve lasted for a week or 2 into the sea.

Well... I shldve called b4 buying. I didn take into consideration tt she's such an ass. So On my way home I'm totally fuming but I took in a lot of deep breathes to calm down. Argh. Wtf bbq.

Ah so tts tt. It's jus like u can make plans tt fits perfectly, but there'll always be one or 2 asses to screw ur plan up for u no matter how precise ur plans were.

It's her bday.. But... U noe.. Tt feel, tt anger. Argfgh.

Mind body and soul.

living life. havent gained enuf confidence yet. eager to fly but, u noe, u nv noe wad can happen if u leave the nest before you are ready.

K fine shall update it since theres not much content previously.

Met a close jc fren few days ago, or rather we actually still kept in touch when we're in uni. But when smth bad happened to me, I cut everyone away frm my life. Well I can't b truthful abt my failure, since... Ppl always expect me to do well, I don't haf the patience to explain and tell everyone of my frens hw stupid i were, I am.? So yea, talked abt some interesting memories and a little bit of my life recently, it was kinda awkward but I guess it turned out.. Ok. Heh.

Trying hard to do useful stuff these days, with these 3 words in mind, "mind body and soul"
Heh. Trying to make sure tt I don't rly waste these slacking days and trying my best to enrich myself. Studying cfa is supposed to add value to my brain. Tts the mind section.

Body: yes I'm training up my body, for a nicer looking body ahha. Reducing the body fats at my abdominal area and training up my arm str. But.. Tt doesn't seem to be working out well since I jus look like a skinny mofo. Sigh.

Soul: hmm. Currently I'm playing some drums to make sure tt I don't go out of practice. So tt whne the time comes and I haf to display my skills, I won't be disappointed. Haha there are millions of skills out there for ppl to acquire. I wld love to acquire all of them but.. In my limited lifespan, and limited time.. There's only so much i can learn. Well. I guess piano is next, but of cuZ, other than enriching my soul, priority goes to the mind and body enhancement process.


Tt pretty much summed up what I'm up to these days. I feel tt it's.. Meaningful in its own way. Not jus squandering time away I hope..well then, time to roll of my bed and get back to work


so life's normal, many moments where i thought to myself ugh shld i do this and den ill tell myself nope. no u shldnt connect back the bonds tt uve worked so hard to cut away. welll..... plenty sleepy these days and i wonder why, but work hard ok. its a tough road but i will be able to get throught these.


after alll im cy.


hahahaha, took steps to reconnect but, at the final step i started to hesitate. why shld i even do tt. i shldve jus moved forward.

Misery business

Was so about to u noe, write abt all the misery tt I'm enduring alone. But then again, apparently the signs were telling me not to.

Anw hi. It's ur bday as usual; one year passed tt quickly. I guess I'm definitely a bloody fool for thinkin tt u noe, we cld jus catch up on stuff or smth but hahahah. I guess not. Okay no loss. I'm cool. Hope u got to enjoy a day out wif ur frens and/or ur special one. Well, don't say tt it's nth special, it's an excuse I guess, for someone to feel special once per year. Pls do feel special, it's so not just another day if u didn treat it tt way k.? K bye.

Oh pretty much shopped for the attire we needed to wear for mhan's wedding. Heh. Feels kinda nice tt I'm able to meet new ppl, and I think they're q cool to hang out wif. Well, good frens of my good fren shld mean tt I shld be able to click well wif em right.? Hah. Nt sure how these will turn out but, yea nice to meet them and... Hope tt the wedding day will be fun as well.

There's like some many stuff tt I wanted to buy, but ugh. Tt money... My bank is in a never before seen crisis and it felt so bad. I even started to think tt "no, I'm nt the one who spent it. Someone must've stole my card or smth". But yea of cuz... It's all done by me. Sigh. Even tho I tried to live so frugally... Things still turn out this way omg. We'll... See how it goes I guess hehe.

I will not feel down becuz I haf other impt things to worry abt. So what if there's a lot of shit going on ard me. I won't be defeated.. Not so easily.:)

watch me.

The hardest part of love is choosing to let go of the person so tt he/she cld be happier.

Bachelors'

Had a bachelors' party last night. Supposingly. Lol cuz I don't rly noe what a bachelors' party shld be like but i think tt it shld include some alcohol and stuff so I think... Yup we had a bachelors' party last night.

Alcohol is rly smth tt helps bond ppl closer. Tts wad I think, tts prolly the answer I've been searching for. Under the influence of alcohol and dim lights, ppl become more truthful, ppl become more friendly and open, removing all the false pretense they put up day in day out. Secrets will be told, and we wld laugh at the tiniest thing. I guess generally ppl become happier after drinking but of cuz, the cost of it is to haf a hangover the next day and prolly puking ur guts out.

Well I hope everyone had fun. Especially to my very close fren who's getting married. Taking tt step forward and becoming a husband is smth I think a lot of ppl don't haf the courage for. Tt amt of responsibility tt comes along with it is unimaginable I guess. Like promising smbdy tt "yea I'm gon take care of u forever". Jus thinking abt it is giving me the creeps lol. K fine to be fair, it's nt like I didn haf tt mentality before but... U noe, sometimes it's q hard to follow through with tt decision. Like after a few years, won't u look at those ppl who's not married having helluva fun but u having to go home and u noe, take care of tt fking crying baby. Yup it will be worth it but.. Of cuz there shld be moments whereby u will go like "fk this.. I shldnt haf gotten married"

Still... I'm glad tt I got to send him off. Hahaha. This is it. Gdbye freedom for him. Hello to the nxt stage of life.

Well on the other hand.. I'm still deep in the sea of freedom and relaxation. I noe I'm so gonna pay a price of these freedom I'm enjoying now but, I'll.. See how it goes. Ill yea. Haha.

Letting go.
Now tt I think I'm pretty much close to the truth. Perhaps it's rly time to let it go. Just another yesterday's idea.
The last goodbye tt is said by my heart. Will nv reach ur ears but at least, it reached my brain. And I shld be able to move on from tt spot sincerely frm nw on. No sorrow, no more emotions.

Why. How.

So why did I fall in love with drinking. Err tracing back to the beginning... It was... When... I was....18.? And den all those social gatherings tt I haf to go always somehow happen to involve alcohol made me not mind drinking it. I guess I evolved further when I was in uni. Heh.

Lols when asked abt wad my interests and hobbies were.. I don't think I can gif a gd answer. Lol cuz I don't play soccer, I don't play basketball, k I don't play any sports, and I don't do anything in particular. LOL jus sleeping and breathing and prolly doing some studying. Perhaps a boring life but.... Well tts how I liked it:) too bad abt tt heh.

I rly rly gonna leave soon. Hahaha. Like soon cuz.. Well. I've gotta set my priorities well. Wasting anymore time wldve been.. Pretty bad. So, yea I'll.. Leave. Soon.

Heh. Can't fall asleep again-__- it's 3am btw and I have to wake up at 6. Damn it all.
But well managed to grab a line outta a song tts pretty interesting. Heh.

 "So please. This is my last favour. If you ever run into me, will u please smile at me, who can't forget you?"
Such a.. Sad sentence lols. But ok tt will b my message for today.:)

Close far.

It felt tt ure still closeby and I can reach u if I jus extended my arm. But I realised, no tts nt true. All I see is jus an illusion. Ure alrdy long gone. In a place far, far away. Tt sense of familiarity shldve disappeared by nw. If we ever meet again, we will be probably strangers. Or merely hi-bye. But well it's nt like i didn try, so I guess I don't haf any regrets. Tho the chances are slim, if we ever haf the chance to get in contact again, I hope I wldve alr became a better man. But even if we don't ever contact each other, I guess, it's fine too. I suppose all these sticky past will be gone soon anw. As usual, I'll live so it's fine.

Oh yay. Ok. And lols I actually don't haf much time to entertain, ok I don't wanna spend anytime entertaining anyone who's not worth entertaining. Sry bout tt. I ain't the friendly type to begin with. Ok mayb I was but now, I'm definitely not. So unless u gif me a good reason tt I shld be nice to u and entertain u, yea. I'm jus gon reply only when I felt like it.

Pretty much sinking into my freee life. But well, I can't say tt I hate it. Fine I'll climb out of it soon la. Not much money left anw. Lols

Drinking 2.

Went for steamboat at mhao hse today, was originally pretty anxious abt hw they will grill me bout u noe, my job and shit which is fking annoying, it.. Didn rly happen luckily. Heh. So even tho I lost $10 in gambling, I felt tt it's pretty ok too. It was fun. I rly suppose tt this cld be one of our last gathering whereby we can enjoy so freely tgt. Well since every single one of us is abt to u noe, step into the society and... Work?!

Ah. Those times were fun but... When the time comes, we haf to grow regardless of how reluctant we are. And yes I've alrdy reached the limit of my welcome( to stay home and rot) it's perhaps... Time for me to embrace my new world too. Sigh.. Cy.. Let's go

Concern

Much of me still remained there. There are times wher I felt rly lonely and jus hoped to haf some1, just anyone to be wif me. But I knew, it wld come at a cost. Like, if u need someone to be wif u when u need them, u must be prepared to be wif them when they need u too. The law of equivalent trade haha. that it itself... Could be too much of a hassle since I haf my own goals, targets or Wadever tt I wanna meet. Sparing my extra time on those ppl wld pretty much be a waste of time.

Though I'm pretty much wasting time playing games and slacking anw, but to me it's time well spent since I'm jus using it on myself u see. But.. Ok i hope it's fine Hahha as in I hope this kind of mentality is still acceptable by the social norms. Well someone once said tt I looked like I don't rly care abt things regarding relationships.? Tts so very wrong. I'm mega concerned, it's jus tt I didn wan to even waste my time on a 2nd glance for female human tt is most likely an unsuitable candidate, like mayb too pretty or...too not pretty.  Teh heh. If someone who qualifies to be my ideal partner appears i wld definitely be more proactive abt it. Hahaha. K exaggerated but ya, as of now I'm just trying to put myself as my centre of my world since, giving up so much for other ppl made me lose so much and with almost ZERO RETURNS is pretty much unappealing hence, since now tt I'm free from those bindings, some quality chill time for myself wldn be too much right.?

Yup tts.. Me. I'm self-centered for now. And even tho I sincerely hoped tt I cld be part of ur life and express my concerns abt u even when u felt tt the whole world is against u but. All I cld do is to, forget u and not appear in ur life anymore.

ill be cool. ill remain as a spectator, jus watching and praying for ur happiness. for as long as i can before i move on yea? ok bye.

Drunk

So I slept a hell lot ytd and today. Went for some horrible drinking session and puked my ass off. Sigh I'm totally nt as gd as I used to be. Well jus being worse than before. The hangover is rly bad and I had to lay in bed till 2+Pm today. For wad, I Duno. But well perhaps for a fren.? Since he ain't feeling all too happy or smth.

Well supposed to b a fun experience if I didn overshot the limit again-_-
K well so it's done, luckily I didn rly lose anything this time heh. So it's cool.

Haf to remember. Haf to remember. Cuz I'm slowly getting dragged by those annoying pride issues but, yea I'm slowly forgetting things tt are rly impt. So YES.

Do not forget bro. Keep it in mind. Remb. Ur goal.

Oboimashita.

I remembered.

After swimming around in the mud pool for a month, or rather disgusting coffee pool, my life has been abt surviving week after week, getting by day by day. Feeling disgusted, unhappy, humiliated. I almost forgot about my goals. My goal is not to just about surviving, it's about..triumphing. It's about looking down at the world frm the top.

So tt I can be a greater person, a greater person who can get ur heart fluttering, a greater person who can have u. Well even if I didn manage to get u, being great will make me satisfied enuf. So...ha. Tho u didn do anything, we aren't even in contact. I'm jus being a creep, probably, but err if u look at it frm another point of view, it's jus about a man. Wanting to be become better becuz he has a goal in mind.?

Well i guess it's rly hard for a man to slog his guts out if he doesn't has a goal in mind. Be it a short term or a long term one, be it a meaningful one or not, the act of working hard towards smth is worthy enough of praise. So... Perhaps good job cy. Go and fufill ur, my destiny.

Thank u. Regardless, hmm.. Jus for being, erm u noe, yea. Ok.

Thank u nonetheless.

Let me.

Let me forget the past.
Let me have the courage to step into the real world.
Let me ignore all the minor unhappiness caused by insignificant filths.
Let me haf to motivation to finish up my studies. Mayb tml, mayb. Soon pls.

Those memories are pretty annoying, tt urge to go back to the times when I'm happy, having someone who managed to move my heart. But, reality says tt it's alr over. There's no way to go back to tt moment anymore. So I jus let out a deep sigh and go into a minor depression. For abt. 0.062144 seconds.? Den I remembered tt I shld b working hard towards my goal. The studying tt needa to be done. So yea able to put it aside. Tho it will jus come back every once in a while.. But I guess it's fine. I'll live.
So yup saw, someone tt looks like someone who used to matter a lot to me so, thus the surge of emotions. Well, I'm still gon be me. I'm still gonna be heartless and cold. I shld be, if not, I wld b hurt again. Which won't be nice.

Mega distracted

Much as I'm motivated to study, workin in a cafe is definitely a dream crusher. Lol. I had this moment  whereby I totally wanted squash all of their conceited ass but, hhahaa. The nxt moment I remb tt these minor humans ain't worth my time. Haha no, they didn do nth, jus don't quite like myself being humble and all lol. Funny isn't it, since they're the incumbent and I'm jus dere for a while, I told myself to be humble and jus do Wadever they ask me to do. But after a while, my pride... Once hailed as the best, now.... Lol wad haf I bcome. BUT NO, interfering wif their business is totally nt worth it. -_- I noe, I've got better things to do. Like study lOl. But u noe sometimes.. I jus can't help losing in any form.

K fine. I'll. Calm down and jus briefly talk abt stuff. Hahah. Random thought abt my cash flow issues. LOl. I was thinking even tho I'm quite trying my best to scrimp and save, loads of random huge spendings jus had to come my way. Like, club, meds frm dermatologist, Errm prolly furnitures for my room too. Ugh so I was wondering whether my outflow is higher than my inflow. But well those were... Mandatory spendings so I don't haf much things to comment heh.

So I guess it's pretty cfmed. I'm most prolly gon be a groomsmen in July and sep. Heh. Side note, freaking reservist in dec argh.

K so tts pretty awesome. Groomsmen and all. Hahaa kinda looking forward to it tho I think I won't know what to do. LOL looking forward, wif some anxiety. Heh. I guess I've reached tt age wher... My frens are getting married and I Duno wtf I'm doing Lol. Well life's short, y hurry yea?.

For now... Tts all.! Yay hahah needa study but my hands jus needa touch my fone every now and den but nt doing anything

Recovery.

Took a day and a half to fully recover frm jus tt one clubbing. But why is it tt clubs are so empty these nights. With more clubs closing down, I supposed the remaining ones wld be full of ppl but it's proven otherwise. Why. Well. Ok fine. Heh.

Severely lagging behind my schedule. What's new. Mega sleepy these days for some reason k yes alcohol ok but arghs. Sigh. Hafta stay away frm it. It feels so damn bad every single moment at work lol. I wld be cursing and feeling down every single moment there. So tts pretty sad. It's like, I kinda need the money and time, but I'm totally nt fully utilizing the time tt I cld spare. Wad a waste isn't it, like I'm getting the worst of both worlds. Nt having money and nt studying. Wad now, Tryta buck up den, and I'll try to keep up wif myself .

Gotta immerse in music therapy. To remind myself of the happy times. Those short lived ones. Heh. Uh. Ah. .

smth better

I'm pretty much wasting my time away, I'm so gonna regret it few weeks later. Clearing out my room and my dad repainted it. There is an image of a classy black grey room in my mind but... Tt wldve required some money and I don't think tts rly ideal. I'll see wad I can do, with the least amount of money, making the most out of everything.

Decided to throw away those soft toys in my room, even tho it kinda... Hurt.? Hmm jus a little bit of reluctance to throw it away. Even tho they are all in a pretty gd condition, mum suggested  tt I gif it to someone who might've wanted it, but u noe, these kind of things jus accumulate. And I don't think anyone wldve wanted some 2nd hand, prehistoric soft toys ya.? Threw it away after staring at it fr abt 2 seconds. Yea, one has t be able to kill his emotions in order to be able to haf a nicer looking room. And so I did.

Tt aside, Ive also been doing smth routinely, well it used to be useful? K mayb not, but now it's totally pointless but I.. Jus can't kick the habit. Note to self, perhaps I will jus slowly drift away. Someday U will jus completely disappear frm my memories, but.. Jus not today I guess. Just. Not today.

Mayb I'll throw away all the cards and stuff tt piled up in my drawer too.

Just another yesterday's idea

So tt marks the end of this week's work schedule. It's pretty... Tiring, given tt I can't slp the night b4 for some unknown reasons. And I wonder why can't I behave cooly as per normal. Something inside me.. Is different and I don't noe what.

Yes am freaking tired after work today but I can't seem to be able to fall asleep at all. And so, I'm mega tired for the rest of the NigHt. DEN, my body started telling me tt "c'mon cy, GET SOME BEER PLS" and yes, uve guessed correctly. I went to get it, and I drank it. Lol as expected, I only managed to get outta my bed at like 3+pm wth.

Suddenly thinking abt some past stuff a lot these few days, perhaps it's jus me trying to distract myself frm the books, a pathetic defence mechanism of my brain trying to take a break frm studying lol. And now I'm mighty behind schedule and tt sucked. My lack of motivation sucked more. Everything else seemed so interesting to me nw, but.. I must press on. Must press on.

Less work days nxt week. Totally contemplating to quit On my way home. But... It doesn't feel gd if I jus left like tt, I pretty much wanna give em hell before I go. So.. Let's see wad I can do.

unfufillable dreams.

have u woke up from dreams that are actually seems to be an alternate outcome of certain incidents in ur lives if u haf nt did wad u did. tt dream..i was so happy in it to the point tt im on e verge of shedding tears of joy. with ppl clapping and cheering for me as i was reaching my destination, and den i woke up.
haaha i guess ive had awesome adventure in tt alternate dimension and the time has come for me to go back to my reality. so 'pop'

im back here. no one at home, no one.. ok one of my fren msged me and yea im 2 days behind my studying schedule. for some reason im super drained out ytd, mayb im too used to having a very relaxed lifestlye. lol. oh anw i finally met up with my frens who're back frm taiwan, as predicted. tt lie i told is starting to haunt me and well its like they noe i lied, i know that they noe i lied, but im jus gonna avoid tt topic in whole. cuz its like a wound tt nv heals and the more i touch it, the more its gonna hurt. well i didn mean to hide frm u guys anw, if i wanted to, i noe i can do it without anyone knowing but u noe, nah.

so argh im suddenly outta ideas, ill.. probably update later. bye. for now :)





Yes so my brain's pretty much dead in the day. Constantly craving for e bed and every other stuff except for studying. Sighh. K so wher was I, oh yea frens. I don't know if I made the right move in trying to remove as much as I can after I failed last yr, but I do think tt I needed some quietness and less ppl to explain to. As I've said a million times, nw tt I'm pretty much free, instead of enthusiastically trying to meet up wif all of my frens, I'm spending more time repaying my debt for being a burden to my family, always showing up to eat free food and not contributing much for them cuz I'm supposed to be 'studying for exams' well, tt excuse works pretty well all the way till, erms this final year tt I jus went thru, it felt to me tt they'd go like "lousy retaining loser".. Well yes I deserved it and I'm nt rly complaining. But well I'll try to go out of my way to please u ppl. However, I guess tt might cause them to start doubting my intentions as well, nonetheless, I'll do wad I can.?

Nxt, abt jobs, I'm totally feeling inadequate for any job tt I see on those hiring ads, nt to mention tt they are lookin for ppl who's got like experience. Those employers looking for entry level employees are also stating tt they are looking for ppl wif GOOD results AND/OR ppl with good internships. Heh. Makes me think tt I'm so so so pretty damn minuscule. -_- I wonder where my confidence went to. I'm. Such an eyesore even to myself these days. Tsk.