reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.

tomorrow.

its alrdy nearing the end of november.


perhaps its due to the fact tt exams are coming in, and the fact tt ive been pretty much coped up at home, it feels tt time really simply jus flew past. day by day, ill jus be waiting for tml to come like " ah tml im gonna do this. i will catch up on the studying tml." and then pop, ive only got 1 week left. -.-


ah. brain's pretty much not in the mood to blog lol. but i tot i shld write smth down to remind myself what i did and how i felt these days. might update again soon but now, lol. tts it yay


k im back to add in more stuff. lol. u know, the longer this job hunt drags on, the more im beginning to lose sight of what I am looking for. so many times, ive decided on the things tt I gotta do and den, I realised tt no, I cant do it tt way. and im supposed to go the other way around. and then I'll go and hide in a corner and den cursing to the wall. so what shld I do now. this way or the other, I don't know. lol. perhaps.. I shld go this way, the way tt ppl cursed at, or no, I shld go the way where ppl will jus feel indifferent about?


ok. i jus finished a practice paper. and i freaking scored 53/120. fking fail. and wif reference. am i stupid or wtf. lol. god. its tt feeling again. tt feeling of working hard, trying hard and failing. nonetheless im jus blogging now instead of revising tt shit. but argh fk. this shit sucked. so much. shld prolly go back to em later on


fking shit.








and i jus feel tt u're pretty disgusting.

the flower of hope.

apparently I haven't found it yet. lOL. but life's gonna go on. hahha. life isnt what i rly hoped tt it wld turn out as but, as long as i still live, im still good to go.


the job hunt is rly.. lol... ambiguous, whereby the end seemed so near and the nxt moment, "pop" i went back to the starting point. not gonna complain still.. cuz... my parents haf not given up on me, as i have yet to give up.


much studying and understanding is still needed for CFA. but..i jus cant seem to find the motivation to. even as ive alrdy removed every, single, distraction there might be. perhaps tt loneliness, tt solitude is whats bringing me down.


ive been using running man as a escape. ( heh thx man) but.. escaping arent gonna solve the problem. as i noticed in u too, u tend to escape when u face a problem, and ive tried to correct tt. but aw, that irony. i realized tt ive been doing the same thing. i shldve been rly focused on studying now. but.. every other thing seemed to haf attracted my attn.




i guess god heard my voice, saying how i am accepting ur absence and all. then i saw an update on ur life and i thought i needed some  beer again. tt intentional prank played on me. lol


but, well. i... haf to live a better life. i cant live in sorrow forever and i wont be able to do anything if im jus another pathetic worm crawling ard. ill.. try to still live wif  pride. i must.

Frustration.

went back to school to print some past year papers and, with the drizzle going on, i decided to go for a little walk down the memory lane. places which ive been to so often, places where we've went thru tgt. the memory is still fresh in my mind but, wanting it to happen again is no longer possible. mayb i shld be glad tt u're not wif me now anw, cuz, this harsh period tt im gg thru, its better not for anyone to see. lol tt wldve been so embarrassing.


tt aside, its pretty frustrating to go for interviews, and not getting the offer. lol. i wonder how many times have tt been now, and yes its pretty much my fault for not preparing enuf and not putting in the effort to understand the job. it feels so bad tt im practically rotting my life away, whereby i cldve been doing so much more.


and ppl wld be like "hows ur job hunt so far" fuck u. isnt the fact tt im unemployed self-explanatory to tt qn? and argh pls. jus gimme tt job lol. it rly sucked so much to be a liability, it rly sucked tt im so willing to work harder than anyone else and do so much better than any average other, but i dont haf the capability to prove it. my god. no


pick me up. please.

yet another.

am blogging frm starbucks lOL. perhaps due to geographical reasons, im seeing many familiar faces. lol. I wonder if I wld look familiar to them too cuz... I think I wld appear pretty different than before lOL. but no one's came over to talk to me so I guess tts cool. well I wasn't particularly nice to other ppl after all so... most likely nbdy wld wanna come over even if they do recognise me lol!

browsed thru my past few blog entries and I realised tt the contents haf pretty much been the same, and I sinderely apologize for tt. for being so repetitive, for being so lame.
for a change, im jus gonna talk abt erm, things tt are more.... not so emo?

went for another job interview and heck, im pretty sure I want this job. but.. thing is I was only informed abt the interview ytd afternoon and well I looked thru the job description tt didn look too interesting. but, as the interviewer went into details abt the job, gosh. I want it man. fk me for being not prepared.=_=

but well its ok. its just another item to add into my LONNNNNGGGGGGG anaconda-ishly LONNGGGGGGG LIST OF failures. jus one additional item wont make it look tt different lOL.

results, aren't known yet but I do hope for the best.

in dire need to study but damn, had to go to my bro's hse fr a couple of drinks
yea alcohol. lOl.=_=. well I asked him if I cld go for a drink on one occasion (when I was feeling rly down) and I ended up not gg lol. and, he's been asking me fr a couple of times alr and... I don't think its nice to reject him any further, jus as I was in urgent need of studying time, gosh I feel so unprepared.

hai... bonding is impt too, so... I guess... lets do it =0, and work smth out. okay.

it finally started sinking in, the fact tt u;re no longer within my reach. im, most likely cool wif tt. jus, don't invoke my memories and ill be fine.

ive got impt things to do after all

the season's change.(memories in the rain)

It's starting to rain pretty frequently these days, a sign tt December is coming, the year is ending. This year seemed to haf past by pretty quickly, perhaps it feels the same every but well. Okay. 

Being jobless for so long felt so bad, u noe, being a liability and all. Not being able to go out wif ppl Cuz of financial constraints, staying home for the whole day for God knows what reason. I hope it ends soon, while at the same time Im q afraid abt the uncertainty ahead. 

 

Well I've always had a thing for the rain, memories.? Mayb. But whenever there is a storm outside, I wld stare into it and jus start thinking abt the past, not RLY abt u noe, events tt happened in the rain previously but, jus whatever tt affects me the most.?

The rain is a trigger to the painful/most significant memories in my mind. Lol I wonder if I made it sound understandable but okay. 

I've tot of hw my life wld be if I didn make tt "wrong" decision then. It seems tt, Mayb, just Mayb, even if I had stucked myself to U, I wld most prolly not be very happy nonetheless. Well humans aren't animals tt can be satisfied easily. I wld probably had a lot of fun wif u and neglected the cfa, I cld still be working in spinelli, if not I wldve jus randomly accepted any job tt came. instead of wad I'm doing now (which is erms, supposingly searching for the correct job tt I wanted)

And then I'll still feel fked up tt I'm stucked wif someone like u. And then The same thing will happen again lol. Well. We were meant to break after all. I wld only cherish u if I didn had u, and u aren't the kind who will slowly stand there and wait for me to come back. Perhaps tts a inevitable fate. So, I had to accept this. 

Nonetheless abt another person, lol we haf on one side someone who wanted to care abt u, and u're jus going ard and getting ur heart break. Ain't it weird? Human tt is. Like, u're most likely attracted to things tt are not attracted to u lol.and thus we have  so many unhappy human running ard. 

Well well tt irony, tt rain, tt season of festive is coming again. And to me, it's jus an awful scorn.

Me and my beer against the world.

Ya. I uds tt its supposed to be "my beer and I " and a more appropriate title for today shldve been
"My beer and I against the storm" but let's jus leave it tt way, heh.
Wanted to study at Mac after trying out the ebi burger but apparently it's mega flooded wif ppl even at like 9+. I wonder wads wrong wif em, like why are there so many ppl having Mac at 9+ wher it's too early to be supper timing and too late to be dinner timing. But oh wells I'm there Cuz I wanted to study, so ive got a real valid reason to purposely avoid the supposingly busy dinner timing. But alas, it's still mega packed wif ppl walking ard wif their trays of food.
And that's another issue. If u noe tt it's rly crowded, why wld u buy ur food first and den search for a seat, u're jus gonna look ridiculous walking ard wif a tray, in a crowded fast food restaurant. Nope, I noe wad these ppl are thinking, no matter what, nope. Don't expect tt jus becoz u haf a tray of food, u will get a seat.

Ugh so abt me, cuz of tt crowd, I Didn haf the cheek to take out my stuff to study even tho I RLY wanna to. Kindhearted CY left his seat straight after eating tt ebi burger and proceeded to buy 2 cans of beer. LOl

As I've mentioned, or Uve seen, today is RLY RLY rainy. Did I use the right description? Well heck it anw. So wif a small umbrella, 2 beer, I went on an adventure to walk thru the heavy rain. It's pretty scary tho, lol wif the Lightning and stuff. Not tt Im afraid of the loud noises frm thunders but I'm more afraid tt i wld get hit by lightning and end my wonder life so randomly, lol

Anw, the experience of walking thru the rain and the fear tt came wif it made me feel... Alive. Since I've been pretty much coped up doing my own stuff and haven't rly felt much emotions these days, so yea I felt alive. It feels nice to be drinking beer, in the middle of a heavy thunder storm, wif my soaking wet shoes and socks and shorts. It's rly smth I haven't experienced it for a longggg while. Lol. Perhaps I'm crazy, perhaps everyone else is like this too. Like putting myself in an uncomfortable position intentionally jus to feel the thrill. If u get wad I meant lol. So yea a nice long walk while relating this situation to my current life situation. Like even if there's a storm pelting down on u, it's not tt bad if u haf an umbrella, well it's awesome if u had a beer but tts optional lol. The storm will be over sooner or later, and when it happens, what is left wld be a better tml, and a stronger u. Bleh duno if it's making sense, I'll prolly review and edit it Tml. Tts it for now I guess.


Today's pretty normal, nth bad happened so I guess I can call it a good day.?

lol

out of boredom, i extracted a part of my history to remind myself of my thoughts then. here goes:


"I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to."




annnnnddd yUP! i became the one who broke the promise lOL! after...5 mths? heh. yup. i semi expected tt. but well at least i lasted for 5 mths so lol. Tho i still think of u every once in a while, i guess i can be cool bout everything tt happend. since i haf to believe tt i was rationale when i made the decision then. things changed, life moved on, and i turned out pretty differently frm wad i had expected. i tried crawling back cuz i was lonely, i guess tt was so dumb right ridiculous.


i knew how the game goes, the 1 who gave in more loses out, but i just....wanted to try, wanted to fight b4 giving up.


nonetheless, even tho right now, im in a pretty ridiculous state, i shall trust in that cy who still had a rationale brain. that cy who wasnt tormented by loneliness, that cy, who didn felt like a uselesss asshole.


heh. still.. i dont give up. i will keep working hard, and even tho things dont work out my way, i wont stop until it does. =)
even tho ive been repeating this for many times, i guess this helps to show tt i wont give up no matter how the odds seemed to be againtst me.










here goes nothing.

here comes the rain 2

lol. if ure wondering bout the "2", cuz this title came to my mind today and i was thinking if ive used it before, so i checked it out and yup! i used it on a post tt was on 5th Jan 2014. basically jus abt u noe, wanting to spend more time with my family and wanting to forget the past memories tt was triggered by the rain stuff?


not tt bad, but today the rain has another meaning to me. it reminds me tt i cldve been out there in the cold, cldve been not able to walk ard, oh yea, i went down for a walk after seeing the downpour. heh, just attracted to rain in general, and yup it wldve been perfect if it was at night, with a cold beer in hand LOL. try it sometimes, its pretty awesome.


so the cold wind reminds me tt i cldve been out there, i cldve been in a very uncomfortable state and not happily walking ard to buy food. in fact heck, the way im spending money, i shldve went bankrupted months ago. so i shld be contented with wad i haf and, strive to achieve more, instead of whining abt wad i cldnt haf. yes its true tt life hasnt been very fair to me, but well i havent been fair to other ppl ard me anw so ill call it quits.


the me now is rly smth not worth mentioning, i hate it when i bcome a liability instead of an asset. to top it off, my brain's constantly getting distracted and i cant help it. a good way to solve this is to get outta the house and study but, apparently i wld need money for tt, and tt is smth i dont rly haf LOL


so what now? nth. continue my life. day by day, and hope for the better, i cannot give up. there are too many ppl i had to impress. well even if i dont, at least i wanna live normally, like any other average ppl out there. okay. yea

Oh, hi November.

so it's alrdy November since ytd. Lol. So September was pretty bad, October was spent drowning myself in self pity and stuff, but heck, I Didn think I've been rly happy for a long long time. It's almost like I'm always trapped in the endless loop of unhappiness. but yea, even if im not happy, i can still live, and as long as i live, i will be happy someday.


tracing back, ive pretty much wasted the WHOLE of my october drinking and wasting time away, and being emotional for wadever shit. perhaps tts the autumn's sorrow? haha like a person will always want to have a companion in this season. heh. but wells. ive alrdy did all tt was within my capabilities, ive alrdy greived more than i shld. and i hafta put my focus on the right stuff now. tt one month wasted, i.. hope it wont affect me too much. after all, in tt month, i did a hell lot of reflection too.


time to get my priorities right. time to get back into the game. and well, life sucked but the fight aint over yet. its only challenging when all the odds are against me. =) heh. if its any easier, it wldve been all too easy.

hi hello.

jus came home from a little bit of drinking with slightly less expenditure on drinks. it was pretty nice to haf frens to hang out with, even tho its not alot of them, and family who wld come and haf dinner tgt for catching up sessions. it seems nth much but perhaps i shld be glad abt it since its really not a given.
its pretty common to haf frens who's saying "oh sorry i cant make it today, oh sorry ive got smth on tonight" etc. it sure is frustrating but... we haf to accept them as they are? cuz.. if they didn wanna hang out with u, it means tt u're just less worthy than anything else tt they were spending their time on. heh. true? yup, solution to that? make sure tt u are worth their time. prolly by making urself more useful to them, or... somehow make ur self look beneficial to them in due course haha.
perhaps its making friendship sound so disgustingly superficial but... tts nature, even tho u've been frens for like 10+ years, if ure deemed as not entertaining enuf, not useful in future, u will still get disqualified to haf their time. haha nope, it works for all frenships, if u totally disagree now, wait for a few years later, and u will uds what i meant.


nonetheless, i still had a few frens left spending time wasting time tgt, which is pretty... ok? given tt my status now looks so fked up. of cuz i uds tt someday they might get rid of me too if i continue to rot like im doing now, heh, i will make sure im worthy b4 tt happens, or, i will make sure it will happen someday and they will get back to me. im cool with tt, after all...i guess im the same too.


okay nxt topic, u've been coming out frm my mouth and in my mind so much more these days, perhaps its due to the fact tt im going through the phase of regret. it is..ok. part and parcel of life but... yea i regretted not keeping u. and i shldnt haf thought so much abt what other ppl will think of us. but well.... since it alrdy happened.... someone else will be able to get me, the me who wld really devote myself to the person who rly cared for me and will not do anything half heartedly. its rly a pity tt it wont be u tho, cuz... u're the one who changed me. nonethelesss, if u will attain a greater happiness, as ive alr said so many times, go ahead girl. i... shld be fine without u.


the only easy day is yesterday, every tomorrow is gonna be challenging but, i'll live. i'll live. i dont give up. i will work harder, day. by. day.

im fine, thank u

met up and hanged out with minhan for q a while jus now and were talking about our past lifes. lol like secondary, jc, uni... etc. thinking back, i've lacked courage for so many occasions and let so many things slipped past. and here i tot im a brave person, well i guess im just full of fear, full of indecisiveness.


perhaps it comes with age, like thinking back how different my life wld be if i did smth different then, hah it wld seem like my whole history wldve changed if my decision was different few years back. and yup ive talked bout this b4 but today is prolly the first time i actually talked to sme1 and gave it much more thought


went home and felt empty again, haha of coz with all the regrets trying to get me down and with no one there to make me feel better. Even tho i shldve been used to it by now but...lol i guess it still hurts no matter how many times it has been. nonetheless, its a cold world we're living in and i am pretty much the same as everybody else out there. so ive got to help myself up. ive gotta be pick myself up.




so here i am now. same old place. same old spot. but yup be positive, be thankful. im glad tt i haf such supportive family, im glad to haf supportive friends, im glad tt i had the strength to go through all these. it sucks but ill try my best to make it out of all these. and when it ends, ill smile. ill try my best to smile everyday and be a happy person.




-like this, another day passed. thoughts of u kept coming to my mind whenever im talking abt anything. tho....i shldve been glad tt i left u at tt spot, if not it cldve hurt so much more. n i do wonder wld u think of me at times too, wld u be reminded of us at those places tt we've been to tgt? if u do, I hope tt u wld do it with a smile, if so, I'll sincerely thank u. and ill oso work hard on my side so dont worry.


im fine. thank u.

the flip side.

lol. so there goes that opportunity. and i was thinking that this couldve been their goal from the start. how easy it must haf been, jus a few messages and u wld want me to change my mind?






well yes im desperate but... stilll, i duno. im afraid of making the wrong choices again. thus i decided to listen to the people around me this time. ill.. give it one more try. one more wait. even tho im really running on a short edge right abt now.


just as before, the end tt looked like its gonna be within my reach, suddenly disappeared into thin air. and then i haf to start all over again.


 lol nonetheless, ill be fine. im cy.


yea. time for a beer.

that ending.

perhaps i shldve been glad. perhaps i shldve cursed my fate, cursed whatever tt made things this way. but well, its a matter of perspective.
'hope' is something tt helps u move forward, thinking tt there is smth worth fighting for at the end of the tunnel. while at the same time, tt 'hope' could haf led u fighting for eons and then finally ending up at the same place where we started.
with all hope lost, we will stop moving in tt direction and thus able to focus on other stuff tt might've led to better returns. so i guess i shld be thankful tt the cold harsh fact was slapped into my face. TWICE. within this short span of time.


keep moving, keep fighting, keep climbing. tts my motto. but well, there are times wher i felt so low, felt so empty to the point where i forgot abt my motto totally.
at least for now, yes, knock me down. kick me. throw shit into my face. i wont give up. ill rise back up, and when i do, i wont forget those who were wif me, and those who werent. not tt im gonna kick u outta my life but ill keep u close to me. as the saying goes, keep ur frens close,and keep ur enemies closer. ill bring u sorrow tt u wld nv expect.


so yes. a little cliche but yup, to my family, thank u for being with me when im in this state, i will try my best to repay u ppl. and to those other ppl, :) be ready.


thank u and goodbye.

that push that pull.

same old same old. tried to be more constructive today but it didn seem to work.  its all in the mind they say, and it aint nice to feel a pull and then a push within such a short time frame. its like my brain's constantly being made a fool.


nonetheless, i shlve jus concentrated, as tt girl said, on whatever im doing and not bother about everything else. and as cy has explained, we only haf 2 hands, tt is only enuf to hold what rly mattered to us: it aint enuf to hold everything around us in place. do what we can, do what we needa do.


well interview's coming up and it seemed pretty bleak cuz... i jus dont haf enuf shit in me to puke out during interviews. lol im very bad at impressing ppl cuz im actually pretty honest out there. ill go for it tho, and... keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities out there. as for my torn and tatterred heart. i wonder why its starting to bother me after so many mths. perhaps i haf a limit too, perhaps i cant be cold as i wanted to be.


well i shld be happy? cuz the scenerio i planned for u worked out the way i wanted to. tho i didn planned tt i wldve been so down. but nonetheless. at least one of us are happy, so economically speaking, ive acheived efficiency.


as for me, ill continue to work hard.( i hope) and ill nv gif up and rot by the side of the road. till we meet again my heart, u rly needa stop getting in my way k thx.

here i am.

here. i am reminiscing bout the past. doing some reflections and stuff. of cuz ppl wld say we shld look forward and dont keep dwelling on the past. well i wld say tts pretty correct but of cuz, everything now, and everything in future is constructed by ur past. tts wad having past case studies and historical analysis is important, wif the gist of not commiting the same mistake again.


ive made mistakes. so many of em. even though, at tt point of time, ive made careful thoughts abt each choice, i felt tt they haf been so wrong.


however, u wld nv know? cuz even if i didn made tt choice then, smth worse cldve happened, and mayb, something greater wldve happen later despite the setback now.


nonetheless, i woke up thinking to myself today, its.. a public holiday, i wld rather spend my time feeling lonely tgt wif my parents rather than going out and making myself more lonely, and also my parents more lonely. heh, since other ppl seem to haf so much fun outside, it wld prolly make me feel worse if i was out there looking at them having fun isnt it?


i guess i chose this lonely path unknowingly, a few mths ago. i was so tired of hanging out with ppl and i tot i wanted alone time so much. i wanna be selfish n jus be on my own. but i guess im jus suffering the results of my decisions then, which....may not be wrong. cuz those connections with other ppl cld work both ways.
1) they cld be chains binding you to the ground and preventing u frm achieving ur goals.
2) they cld be motivations to keep u going even when the odds were against u


well yup it depends on urself ultimately but i guess i tend to be the kind who MIGHT give up everything jus to be wif tt person, and tt cld ultimately lead to my demise. so since im alone now, i can jus keep going forward and upwards. i hope.


so yea, even tho u're still constantly on my mind these days, i cant. i noe i wont be able get u back anyway, so might as well, try my best and get up there to find someone else.


i wont hate myself. i must not hate myself.

it's painful.

It hurts. Lol like my stomach's hurting like hell and I Sincerely hope tt it will go away soon. Nth much to update anw, and HAF loads of shit to do which I haven done. So tts bad.

Just wanted to say this, CY nv gives up. Cy hates losing. It may seem tt I gave up, but I'm jus taking a step back and will look for a Gd chance to step back into the game. Heh.tts how it goes. But wait it hurts arghf my stomach. Lol. Take care.. I'll come get the world after.... My stomach gets better.


Arghfs

bad.

just as i thought that the end is near, i realised tt its not near after all. i've to start over again and go round and round in circles. as if life wasnt hard enuf, i lost my spare wallet wif like abunch of money inside.-_- and i wasnt even drunk. wtf. i guess life jus hated the pure fact tt im trying hard to get up and jus hoped tt i will lie down there and cry and jus give up and stop trying.


or mayb life has something so great for me tt ive to go through ALLLLLLL these shit to get to it. tho frankly speaking. im thankful to haf parents who were willing to feed me with food and letting me leech em out for SOO bloody long. though i dont get to eat all them awesome food, i was made sure tt i wasnt hungry. so its awesome. im rly rly eager to repay em for everything but.... life jus didn wan me to yet. perhaps they are also being tested.


well ive dreamt of u again.and tts stupid. fking brain. y cant u gif me tt kind of feeling like 5 mths back, sighh well. as much as i tried to go out and haf fun. im jus getting more damaged instead of trying to heal myself. its tiring, its painful. its hard. but i guess ill live through since...im awesome heh.


its a saturday and ive spent it sleeping at home. how awesome. cy... how awesome.. and heres to a boring week ahead cuz... im running outta money. fuck me. lol

that girl.

perhaps i liked you the most since we've spent so much  time tgt. and... it was really really painful for me during tt point of time but. i guess nw, we're pretty much " okok frens" and perhaps tt ending aint too shabby. i rmb wad i liked abt u, being a random girl who had so much rubbish tt we cld talk abt. always not ashamed to express ur hunger. tt girl whom i wanted to protect so much, i guess she is not here anymore. wad i see now is someone else. just...someone else. its pretty boring listening to wad u had to say, and yea, perhaps u jus didn looked as pretty as b4. or mayb ive just had a change of heart.
WHICH IS PROBABLY GOOD cuz tt point of life was pretty bad since i had to drown all my emotions with sO much alcohol and hanging out and stuff. now i can rly say im not into u. anw thx for becoming tt way, since we aint meant for each other anyway.


so, nxt, ure pretty much just a name to me nowadays. even tho i rmb how i liked ur personality, how u tried to maintain a stoic face even tho ure burning inside. heh we're so similar and yet so different. but i guess it cldve been just a fleeting feeling frm tt moment. and i really wonder if my heart will still skip a beat for u and ive been wanting to find out. i duno, but i wanted the answer, even tho it may not turn out well, i still hoped tt i can make the ending slightly better and not having us becoming strangers.


lastly. well i was wrong. i think i liked u more than i thought i did. heh but its kinda weird tt we ended with this. lOl and well i dont blame u. im at fault after all lol. it wldve been great if u cldve acquired happiness, tho.. heh. its not gon be forever girl. when ure down and out again, come to me. ill probably still be waiting LOL. since im rly gonna start working towards my future. tt... seemed to be bleak, while at the same time hopeful. it didn end well as well lOL and yea. i wldve wanted it to end better. nonetheless perhaps i shld jus leave u alone for... a good amt of time and see how it goes? when i was finally ready to gif u happiness, ure no longer there. aint tt a joke? to think tt i will fall to tt level.


well nonetheless, i think i shldve pretty much got back on track. with loads of revising to do, loads of self improvement to do, tml shldve been my final party for this arc. and yea ill do well nxt time and not create anymore bad endings. as for those bad endings, im definitely gonna make it well. heh. stay tuned.

i tried.

i've tried hard enuf. i did wad i wanted to i guess. but perhaps it wasnt enuf, perhaps i shldn even do it at all and jus stay home and sucked on my thumb. i tried to haf fun outside and im able to forget abt stuff for like a few hours. perhaps tts good enuf.


i feel tt im back to normal. i feel tt i can go back to my previous lifestyle after wasting 2 weeks of precious studying time.


there are moments where i felt, fk it. i must go out and jus take anything given to me. stepping out is rly the hardest and most impt thing. but...den again i wld hear ppl telling me to dont take shits tts thrown to u. pick the right job. but its difficult since there's a specific job tt i wanna do, and the employers are also choosing me. its hard to find someone who wants me and i want them, just as love. haha.


i shld haf recovered. even tho i still feel sore and weak everywhere. i thnk i can walk now, smile now, enjoy the sun now. i must recover, i must become the object of envy, i must live up to my expectations and regain the power in my name.