keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh

What gOod am I.

Results are out. And I'm fked. As usual. Lol. Made me totally look like a fool in a sense tt, U noe, I lost everything. U, cfa, job, I've got none of em now.what now. I don't know. I've got myself to blame of Cuz. Being half hearted in everything, then yes, fuck me. Fuck this.

And I'm jus gonna go to sleep yea.

round and round.

it seems that ive always been going in circles. rejecting that job offer, going back to tt job, leaving her and den begging to go back to her, i hope none of these kind of things wld continue gg on tho. cause it really sucks to go back to the place wher u left.


so... going for that interview on wed. hope tt it wldn be a bad choice. enduring a year or so, doing smth which ive always wanted to, enduring and get my life forward. i wld love it tt way.


i tot to myself this afternoon. yea, im done with letting go of the past. even when i think abt it, it doesnt hurt no more. so im hoping these continues, and den ill be able to sincerely begin a new chapter with new characters in it, wif a better story plot this time.


tt...wld be all for now.


will update real soon

continuous.

argh. been a few days without any news frm any employers, ok theres 1 tt required me to do a writeup.. lol tts pretty fked up tho, cuz.... u noe.. writing.. hmm anw, yup. still living, still healthy and all.


my fone decided to haf some problems and thankfully tt i can borrow my mum's 'spare' fone. of cuz its not as handy as my own one but... lets hope tt my own phone can come back quickly. in a day or two.


so.... yea tts all for now.? nt much happenings for me update stuff

death and strawberry.(unrequested vacation)

k nth much to do with strawberries but its jus extracted frm bleach lol.


anw, time to update bout the funeral, i guess.


erms received the news on last sunday morning and its been helluva week, went back to my hometown? k more like my mom's hometown to attend the funeral of my grandfather who, is finally able to leave his weakened suffering physical shell and left this world. well, its rly saddening but at the same time, i dont noe, perhaps its mercy tt he's able to end all the suffering as he'd been suffering frm various illness and is barely conscious of his behaviors for a couple of years, requiring the aid of his children to take care of him for every single needs ( feeding, bowel discharging, urinating etc)


i would say, none of any sane human being wld wanna live in tt state, being a burden and all, so i wld say, tt is prolly a relief for my dear grandfather. to, stop relying on other ppl, and move on to another world with a better self.


rest in peace. i hope tt u will haf a good afterlife and if possible, get reborn and live again? cuz life is really beautiful. my dear grandpa.




tt said, i dont think i deserve to shed a tear. cuz ive been absent frm his life for a good 10+ years. lazinesss, and many other reasons made me stop going back to visit my relatives. i always blamed my parents for not being close to their brothers and thus making us not close to my relatives. i guess i also haf a part to play cuz i'd always, always chose not to go back for convenience sake. and, well i pretty much grew up without contact with any of my cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents. its pretty ironic tt, u see ppl frm all over, gathering at the funeral after 10 odd years. like, why is it tt no one bothers gathering b4 anyone leave this world. why would u only choose to come back only after he has died and then grief about his departure.


why is it tt none of u, make sure to get everyone tgt, and let him enjoy the warmth of the big family tt he deserved.


tt said, of cuz, im equally guilty. but i hope tt this will serve as a good reminder to everyone present. tt the warmth of the family, despite the fact tt we didn meet for so many years, didn dissipate one bit.


so yup. im sorry, for being an ass. for being not worthy of shedding a tear. for forgeting all the bonds i had with u ppl. so thank u. with ur death, i hope tt im not the only one who learnt this lesson of togetherness. i will connect with ur family tt u used ur whole life to built and ill be sure to make sure im part of it. and, ill take gd care of ur eldest daughter( tts my mum) heh.








goodbye, sorry. thank u and please take care.

the reunion.?

downing instant laksa noodles atm. perhaps its a hint of the taste of heaven.


recieved the ill news of the fact tt my grandfather passed away this morning, which is...a pretty heavy topic which i will touch on on another day.


just gonna be talking bout the gathering today. so my fren's gf organized a "surprise" bday celebration for him and it jus seemed to be a class gathering for them. lol, since I wasn't in the same class and all. nonetheless, well i came with a heavy heart but i guess it turned out pretty ok, tho i was damn grumpy and all.
well surprisingly xy came, like thru all those coincidences, xh's gf noes her as well and thus invited her. and heck, sadly exactly like 5 years ago, izzit 5, or 6. well the thing is exactly like so many yrs ago, when i did badly for my alvls and didn haf the confidence to face u, i cant even secure a gd job today tt wld gif me enuf confidence to face u again. tt sucked so damn much.lol. like...will i ever haf the courage, will i ever haf the chance to face all those tt got away " hey, im doing well."
perhaps yes, perhaps not. but nonetheless, i rly wanted tt. so, this will be the driving force for me to push forward.

and tear all those in my way.

glad tt i went too, a good wake up call for this guy stucked in a loserish shell.

the dark night.

on the darkest nights, in the loneliest days, and till i found someone new, ill think of u. tts my promise. to myself.


teh heh.


okay. so heres whats up, a week since the parties ended and nope, still no news at all and i practically rotted myself at home. lol due to the lack of cash and all. spent it all in a day, thus the confinement. Zzzz. and i hope tt i wont spend it all again this sunday jus cuz i had to hang out with my fren to "celebrate" his bday which i didn felt like gg but i thought, i shld rly get out and interact with ppl no matter what.


well of cuz its because the organizer is actually his gf, so its gonna be a pretty "fake" outing, lol i duno what word wouldve been appropriate tho but lets just keep to fake for now. cuz u noe, when u haf unfamiliar ppl in the grp, one tends to behave differently(no matter how slightly tt wldve been) and yea. tts wads gonna happen. and of cuz not to mention tt this bunch of ppl ignoredddddddddd my query on whether they wanna hang out for NYE.


i am the kind who wld really rmb these kinda stuff, and yea i am offended even tho i knew they had other plans on, all i wanted was just a fking reply " like hey sry man" and shit but well, the power of silence. nonetheless, its not enuf to make me hate them lol. after all we've been thru sOoo much tgt. im jus slightly piqued okay.


well well one week passed meaninglessly, but look forward to the next? cuz u nv know wad wld be in store for u tml.


yay;)

The 2015

all them parties haf ended, ( and i shall not create more). ive reached the limit, i needed a job like now. lol anw, the job search is pretty vexing these days as i rly didn see any jobs of interest.


nonetheless, i mus keeep searching and nv give up.


aww. nth much to say for now loL! k

last christmas.

hey y'all merry xmas :))


as far as i rmb, ( ive actually read my blog entry frm last xmas.) i actually did meet up with my frens for a gathering. and i think i was the one who organized it loL. anw this year was.... lol im jus sipping beer and munching on them junk food.


so yea,i got wad i wanted, wad i deserved =) year after year, i always hoped tt the nxt wld be better than this year. but this christmas, lemme wish for smth different.




i hope tt nxt christmas wldve been the best one of all. =)


i haf 1 year to work for it anddddd i will make it better than all the previous ones.




new year update will come in few days time

here there.

im back since.... friday? always wanted to haf an update but just cant think of enuf materials to put into one entry. nonetheless im jus gonna try saying something.


hmm christmas and new year is just abt the corner, the past few years has been pretty...... boring? heh since its almost an annual affair tt we wld gather tgt and haf chill out tgt. but this year, i didn wanted to organize it again haha. so im wondering if anything will happen. OK let me rephrase it. i dont think anyones gonna organize anything so, yea this year's gonna be different lol. this year's gonn be lonely and all. well.... a new change? heh. its prolly wad i wanted to happen or at least, its wad i made it happen. lol duno if my sentence sounds correct, heck.


haha the job hunts getting slow, one thing being the job ads aint too attractive, and also after a 2 weeks hiatus, it seems tt my brain's getting alittle bit thrown off course.
to elaborate, ive always wanted to get into this stockbroking, equities sector etc. and to begin with, i dont even haf the exact answer as to why i wanted to. nonetheless, i decided to set my mind to it and be darn sure tt i go the correct way. so, after so many mths of search, perhaps the fatique, perhaps its jus a lost of momentum, i started wondering why am i so adamant in the first place. as in, why did i want to do it so much, and shld i jus gear away frm it and at least get a damn job first?


of  cuz i noe im overstaying my welcome(at home rotting lol) but.... its not like i dont want to work but i... sadly... dont rly noe what i want? and i cant get a job tt wants me. lol


so.... of cuz ill keep going ill keep finding based on my initial decision. so..ok. ill see how it goes? and hopefully my xmas and new year wont be too boring heh

The new life ahead.

So I just found out Smth not so nice. But then again, it's supposed to be over. Longgg longg over. But it jus feels pretty awful. I've always had the slight mentality that Someday somewher I'll get u back. While another part of me knew that it's not gonna happen again. I still do carry tt hope tt, miracle might happen.

So now, I'm pleading this cy. After the end of the ict. I'll. Treat it as a new life. A new beginning. All that has happened ain't gonna matter anymore. Looking forward is key.

Alright let's jus get thru these and live a brand new life ahead.

Cheers.

perserverance

having a short break.while my mind is currently full of finishing this shit, i knew tt shits gonna get tougher; in real life tt is.


when i get outta there, i haf to get a job asap. as i can see my debt snowballing larger and larger. its a good experience, i had to say, tt puts me in a rly uncomfortable position and makes me wanna go back to my normal life so damn much.


kinda haunted by memories these days when i had nth to do and memories will jus come by knocking. live with no regrets Cy. u did wad u thought was right, and who can say tt ur choice aint right? heh. life is always like this. so push on and u will see the light at the end of the tunnel.


so. ok i haf to go back soon. argh.

Inside.

pretty much stoned the whole of today away Cuz of the lack of activities, or perhaps there are activities but I jus Didn go for it. Nonetheless, prolly its a good make of for my lack of slp these days. Since I'm RLY dreading to come back here.

I do wonder why am I always stucked in shitholes, like perhaps a shitty person like me jus deserved to be stuck in one lol. It's, hard to make new frens when they alr had a clique on their own. But well of Cuz I tried my best to stick wif em, hah. It's a little hard for me to get along wif em. Perhaps Its jus the beginning awkward "I noe u but I don't fking noe anything else other than ur name, and we haf to act close" kinda thingy. Lol. Well, it's.. Okay I hope. I'll jus stick to them like gum. Cuz I rly hate being alone. Like. Now LoL.

Many reflections were done these days, like is it worth the sacrifice, did I make the wrong choices again. I wld say, my goals were realistic and definitely doable. It's just me forgetting the fact tt, I had a pretty weak heart. Which I tot was strong. I Felt relieved initially and RLY motivated but, towards the middle part, I start losing sight of my goal, I start needing somebody. I guess that's wher I went wrong. So now, I'm suffering the consequences. I guess it's a lesson I wanted to teach myself. Cherish, humility, open.

Cherish what I haf, be humble and not think too much of myself, be open to ideas and words from other ppl. I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I do miss u. Rly rly. But I shldn do anything abt it, Cuz I suck.

Side note, I'm mega bored of doing nth inside here.-__- pls let today end quickly THX

new start.

finished the cfa ytd which rly...is freaking difficult but, well ive alr made plans for the worst so. i suppose im jus glad tt its over. for now.


feeling pretty horrible these days fretting abt reservist and stuff, of cuz, firstly, its gonna be 2 weeks of doing shit and staying outside. and yea, having to live with ppl im not close with kinda sucked. plus, my low self esteem these days lol....makes it hard to know new ppl. but well.. lets hope tt i can jus endure and live, even if it is in a horrible manner, and jus.. live through it? tho theres no longer anything waiting for me out here but. i.. still love the outside world so much.


the rainy days, the solitude. ill deal with it.


hail to the new start, and lets hope tt my nxt spring will be awesome, when i come out of tt jungle hole.

reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.