false.

i was foolish to believe that i might be able to obtain happiness if i'd tried abit harder. i was a fool to think tt hey, i can try getting to know u better and perhaps.. u noe, lol.


but well well, i guess i shldn even try. the feeling of trying and failing is rly suffocating. I think i've had more that enuf of such experiences. its rly rly horrible. well mistakes made, move on, stop trying to u noe, correct the mistakes. its nv gonna work. it didn work back then and im sure as hell it wont work now either.


take heed to what i am saying CY, love yourself. stop trying to get love from others. this way, i wont be hurt, and well, its better off tt way.

nomu bogo shippo

hey yall, its friday again, and here i am, sippin on them beer chilling my night away. i duno, if this is the "right" thing to do as u noe, after u grow up, the words "right" and "wrong" becomes quite....subjective.


it appears tt nth is definitely "Right" anymore. every "Right" decision always come with some "wrong" factors and vice versa. well...since its part of growing up, i guess ill jus accept it as it is.


i did do smth kinda constructive today. i actually dragged my ass to "study" some of my CFA shit. gosh, thinking back... was tt rly constructive? hahha well, i did.. erms... like 12 qns out of 120 qns.... so i guess.. its kinda. constructive.




hee... its a quarter after 12... okay sry its a quarter after 1 and i.. miss you now but lol. i think i've been through this millions of times. dafuq am i doing, hahha going through the process of "ohhh i think i shld try... fk i mus stop doing dumb fk nonsense like this"


ah. the alcohol shldn be the reason for breaking the status quo. lOl.... well fk me, for breaking the rules and bowing down like a loser.


=O

Daydreamer.

Here I am, daydreaming. Just ytd.? Or the day b4 ytd I was telling myself tt I will be fine alone, and I don't need anyone else. Yea... and den I had this "hmm wld I have a chance.?? Wld we be able to link up.?" jus cause of some random stuff.




anddd snap. nths gonna happen for me. haha anw yea lets go cy... more work awaits for me tomorrow and the struggle to get to friday starts again.


okaeri.

do you know me

You know my name, do you know my story. If you know my story, do you know me?

Jus a bunch of thoughts that's running through my mind this few days, well.. its triggered by a couple of stuff, namely, erms work wise? and prolly also triggered by some random person who jus seemed to appear around my life. So it seems that since I've started working and more ppl would have heard of my name and all but it doesn't feel like ive got more frens. Perhaps its caused my by reluctancy or rather incapability to converse with other ppl regarding things that are outside of work. I can survive w/o talking to other ppl about personal stuff but I guess, if I needed smth more, I needed to give smth more. LOl. duno if I made sense. anw yea, I duno, I jus sucked at communicating with humans I guess.

what to do?? well i'll see how it goes and ok. I suppose ill try to squeeze out a smile or 2 from nxt week? lol ugh, k fine. Ill jus be normal and not do anything more. I wont feel fked up tml. hahaha so I guess its enuf to jus rant it here.

well moving on, im kinda slowly getting crushed by the loneliness. even tho Im the one who said tt ppl wont die even being alone. but argh, its slowly suffocating me, im starting to blame god for being unfair and all but well after all it was me who chose to be alone, but well, you gotta be slightly responsible as well since you didn send someone angelic into my life k. so yea.

nonetheless, ill most likely be ok by tml ( as usual) jus ranting here and there shld do the job. heh oh, saw someone that resembled someone I missed dearly and I jus kept stealing glances even tho I know that its not her. but well, I duno, I cant control my eyes man. anw yea okok. move on right? understood.

so here I am, foolishly waiting for you at a place in which there is a possibility of meeting you. even if the possibility is rly small, at least it is not zero. then comes another problem, so what if we met, wld we even talk? will I get sick of listening to you? will you even bother saying "hi"? wld I have the courage to approach you? what shld we talk abt? lol. then 'why wait' you may ask. I duno. my body simply moved on its own.

loving you.

love comes in many forms. i let you go because i loved you. i dont want to be the one who will hurt you because i loved you.
but i guess, it seems that at the end, the one i loved the most is myself. heh. so i think its most likely worth it. these lonely and seemingly boring fridays spent... will probably be good for me in future. Ive always told my frens and myself that we shldnt be whining about all the " we shld have done this, we shldve done that" as complaining about yesterdays arent gonna help, we shld look forward, with our past experience backing us up, we shld be looking forward to " we will do this, we're gonna do that"


haha. i sincerely do hope that in future, ill look back and think to myself "yea, i've made the right choice then" as... im kinda having regrets here and there but im jus moving on with my teeth clenched.


well.. cy.. remb, dont love, and thus you wont hate. without hatred, you will bcome something greater than "the others"

gotta stop believing.

cause its a weekend. what have i done? hmm friday was jus a lame house beer party with me and me and me at home doing nth much other than watching some lame ass old movie and jus dozing off.


sat morning was spent sleeping, and afternoon was spent walking ard and stoning and all lOL. well, somehow managed to pull myself out and went clubbing at night tho. supposingly an awesome night with chicks and drinks and all but... well nope. nth happened.


so i guess ive changed, or perhaps the crowd has changed or well, i just felt tt its awesome tt im able to meet up with frens whom ive lost contact with and reconnect with them, and everything else didn rly matter.




oh yea, managed to drag my ass outta my hse this morning and visited my adorable nephew and niece and god. adorable kids kinda made my lame ass weekend slightly less meaningless. hahaha.






love don't exist when you live like this

ill stop believing in love. cause love dont exist when you live like this.

Not enuf.

k so what's worse than having an uneventful weekend, a frantic first day of the week with loads of shitty things happening to me.

So today was rly rly horrible. Not to mention tt we've been mad busy, I rly did tried rly hard to complete whatever that I was supposed to do. Nonetheless, "poof", more things tt I'm supposed to do in which I haven't touched. And yup, of course I'm gonna get that look from them, and tt pretty demoralizing.

It's jus like, working rly hard and getting a poor result. Lol. Guess my working hard isn't rly enough, what else shld I do? Well... Yea work harder. And harder and prolly stay till like 10pm right.? Lol. Fk this like srsly.

Yea fine. Let's work harder tml and see how it goes yea? Z

Clean slate.

Don't you have this thought tt u cld jus wake up to a clean slate.? Like, not being bothered by the past issues, the problems u had since ytd.

Argh, but but today is the result of yesterdays, and how your tomorrow will be depends on what u did today.




pretty much slept my long weekend away. that wasnt how i rly planned on spending my hard earned long weekend but well, it jus happens so i guess theres nth much i could do abt it.
"why not spend it jus the way u want to" u may ask, life aint tt simple. the ppl i want to spend it with are no longer in my life, and nope. i dont have any spare tyres left. haha i suppose this is the way my life should be, for treating ppl as spare, for classifying ppl into different categories and being a smug jus because ppl wanted to be with me more that i wanted to be with them.


hahahhaa. i deserved it yea i deserved it. this loneliness suits me, this pain provides me a good life lesson. so yea, if the chance comes knocking again, i guess ill pick it up and get on my feet. =))


life was never fair and all i needed to do is to make it bend to my favour.

i've had a dream

do u believe angels?


haha just a little part of the lyrics of the song im listening to.


well yea i just woke up from a somewhat beautiful? bizzare dream tho. hahaha like i dreamt of being with someone who looked like u but its not u. but uhh. i guess i did dreamt of u.


nuh uh. no issues over here, jus a random little dream that humans have every now and then.


what have i been living for these days? hmm just surviving day in day out and collecting the pay on every 15th of the month, with a seemingly pretty tired body tt only comes to life when sat hits.


i had hoped to study, to exercise, to haf a normal social life, and its kinda not happening for me.  i just wannted to go home and slp and jus wake up to the nxt working day.


hahaha this is so not healthy and definitely not gonna be kept going.


wake up ur idea chaoyi, ure diff from other ppl and ure different from the old u.

Good enough.

i wonder if I did become good enuf.

Having a sorta stable job and scrapping through day by day. I'd told myself tt I will use half of the time tt was given to me to finish learning. I'm only left with one month tho, and I'm not sure if I cld meet the deadline set by myself, nor the deadline they set for me.

Nonetheless, I rly hope tt I will be able to keep this job for a, pretty long time? A year or 2 at least.? And I sincerely pray tt I will be the one to say tt I wanna leave because I haf a new job.

Negative feelings aside. I'll get back to the topic.

I read through my previous posts, posts written by me when I didn had a job. Lol. I was saying abt how I don't haf any courage to approach some of my "old friends" cause I am not doing well enuf to keep in touch with them

What abt now.? Am I good enuf now.? Mayb not. Mayb i shld stay as I am, my bad, staying the way I am is not good enuf as wel. I srsly needa start working harder. And prolly reduce the Amt of alcohol intake so tt I won't needa slp so much in the weekends. Damn.

goood for something.

when u keep doing smth, u eventually bcome good at smth. when u become good at smth, u will haf this air of importance built inside u. a self created sense of mightiness, pride, and everything nice. u start looking down on ppl, mayb belittling some other ppl in other professions.


while i needa keep this in mind. i may bcome good in something in time to come, im not good in everything. i need to always have this humbleness in me. for i dont want to become like one of them.


i need to constantly grow. to keep improving ( tt said, i havent been doing shit)


to become great, i need knowledge. to not become like one of them, i needa claw my way out.



yeah.

work hard.

i duno if its due to fatique or jus tt its normal, or for wadever reason.


kinda troubled due to work related stuff.


ill jus briefly talk abt it ya? i guess i shldve accepted the fact tt im supposed to be scolded for other ppl's mistakes, and not feel unjust. i shld jus keep it to myself wadever emotional issues tt i may encounter. well.. cause the office aint tt big, wadever i say wldve been heard and mis-represented.


so ok ppl might feel offended, unhappy and all other stuff. but well i dont haf any ill intentions, and I think they wld feel tt way cause they don't know me. So I can't blame them, I'm the one who didn't wan them to know me anw. So Mayb, all wld be better if they know me better? Heh.

Ok Tml. I'll work towards tt goal.

here without you.

taking a loong deep breathe.


tho im looking forward to weekends, im thinking tt it ended too quickly lol. perhaps because i havent been doing much things during these 2 days. and i felt tt its simply just wasted.


just like that.


yea yea i know i chose this path of solitude. But I do needa grumble and whine about it every now and then here since I can't do it to other humans. I mean I can but, I'll prolly preferred doing it here, and jus let everyone else think tt I'm jus a happy and funny guy running ard.

Anw, I've been trying to complete this post since Friday. Lol. And I guess I finally garnered enuf inspiration today. Lol. Well yea while trying to complete this post, I've also been trying to think of smth interesting + healthy+ meaningful to do. Smth tt I can say tt it's my hobby. But well, weekends are supposed to be for me to rest, and wadever free time tt I haf left should be for studying. In which I haven't been doing. Gahh.. I shld prolly rly put my heart into this.

I'll jus leave it at here for now. Gonna take a nap on the bus b4 gg to work heh.

annoying.

i forgot to bring my earphones for lunch. Damn.

And I'm surrounded by noisy ppl. Heh. It's actually nice tt there are young ppl in the place, k fk I'm starting to sound old. Okay I meant, it's nice to have noisy? Rowdy? Outspoken? Lol I duno which is the proper term to use but yea. Ppl who makes q abit of noise hanging ard makes the place less dead, but argh. It didn't feel particularly nice when they're right next to u.

Mayb im jus irritable cause of.... But Mayb I shldn have all these negative thoughts. I shld be like happy, and looking forward to Tml, and erms. Bright k? Right.. Tts it for now gotta go back to work and gonna update later.

Automated.

Just like how I automatically walked in that direction towards to mrt station. Like how I react when ppl start dissing me, like how I wanted to keep in contact with u. It's pretty much automated. God knows why I'm doing this. And I don't even know why I'm asking to be hurt. Lol.

A myriad of emotions, a mind in a whirl. Haha. A bunch of regrets.? Guess not. Even tho I'm sure tt there are traces of tt in my mind but I did remind myself constantly tt I made the right choice. Uhh. Guess tt shld be over pretty soon, jus a sudden urge.


it has been a year so it seems, i must be a fool for thinking that u will still be there, i must be a fool to think tt u wld forgive what ive done. i must have been a fool for trying to destroy the status quo. theoretically, i shldn have any remnants of emotions left. i shldve been able to leave everything behind. after all, i...am no longer that boy anymore. he's dead. his memories were implanted into mine and ive accidentally thought tt those memories belonged to me. but nope nope, those arent my experiences.


those ppl i missed, i wanted to be with, i fought to get back with, they dont know me, the real me. so yup. ive gotta go back to my own routine instead of being bugged by things tt dont rly concerned me.


heh.


Tml will be the same as any other day, today I'm gonna lie on my bed and not do anything as per normal. Nth nice will happen to me, and all I gotta pray for is tt nth bad will happen to me!



Yea. Live peacefully cy. Live normally. Stop asking for it, sadness tt is.:)))))






p.s. aint experiencing a split personality or smth, jus trying to make this post sound more interesting lol.

judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.

that dead boy.

phone decided to go out of battery as i start leaving the office as usual. hence it was a ride home w/o music and had the chance to u know, do some reflections.


i was jus thinking to myself, as to why wld i always attract ppl at first, and then they would jus stay away from me later. ok not rly attracting but.. somehow yea lol.


kk so yes, my conclusion is that, there are a couple of layers to my character. i wld say mayb 3? n tt wld prolly be determined by diff ppl tt i am hanging out with. so yes, given that i am in a brand new environment, i wld prolly be like a quiet person who dont q like talking. tts prolly layer 1. some other ppl may, luckily, know me when im in my layer 2 mode. when im in a comfortable place and i have alot of funny comments or actions to make.


my 3rd layer, which i wld love to show to ppl i rly want to get closer with. is a side tt prolly no one likes. heh, someone who has alot of deep, ok mayb not deep but bizzare thoughts and u noe, hatred towards alot of things and a pretty dark side of me. perhaps my intentions was to have someone accepting me as a whole, as someone who's not jus funny and all but, someone who;s had diff sides to him. and that is me.


but well.. nowadays.. im slowly losing sight of tt boy. with diff sides. or rather i simply destroyed tt alter ego as its recognized by myself tt its a repellent to friends and u noe, girls. lol. so yea slowly but surely, i think i stopped showing other ppl tt side.


it cld be due to the fact tt ive stopped having negative thoughts or, jus tt im keep all those to myself. i dont know either. perhaps when the next impt person came along, i wld haf the answer?

friday. sweet o friday.

hhahaha. being a working adult makes me crave for fridays so damn much, cuz i can finally be united with my favourite love(beer). and jus sleep till the sun comes out w/o having to wry abt being late for anything.


tt said, i pretty much wasted time and money to "study" at starbucks ytd since... u noe, their drinks are expensive as shit and nope i didn see any familiar face tt can trigger some memories in my head. lOl. wad was i expecting actually. anw to top it off, i didn bring enuf materials to study. i was literally jus dying to go home and voila, i went home jus like tt. w/o going out with ppl, w/o studying, w/o achieving anything.


as ive jus told myself to stop trying so hard, yea i did stop trying. n i think im... did a pretty okay job. so yea.


today im gonna try to grasp happiness by throwing in a bunch of money again. well, i shldn be looking forward to it tho, i shld jus thnk of having fun with frens and not other stuff, perhaps tt way i wont be disappointed no matter wad.

unsatisfied.

am still not satisfied with myself atm. workwise, lifewise.


of cause im still not able to remb everything taught, and im slowly getting a little less humble.jus slightly, and i am totally not doing an awesome job. i still have lots to work on, so yup. ill keep tt in mind.


life wise....i duno, i meant, im slowly starting to realize tt the things i did, the things i wanted to do previously, was pretty plain dumb. even tho i cld justify it as, oh it was jus because of circumstance, pressure, and all.. uh no. not justifiable. so i rly needa wake up my idea.


i guess i was trying too hard to prove tt im desirable, even tho it seems otherwise. im jus trying too hard to comfort my empty heart tt "hey, u're still wanted by somebdy on this world" haha. wad a joke eh?
nope, no. mayb i mightve been impt to someone before, but the me now, am nth but a weak existance in this world. theres no more power to my name, there is, nth left. all im left with is a human body, sitting down there and being kind of a burden to other ppl. and im an existence in which, even if i simply disappear w/o a trace in the nxt moment, it doesnt rly matter at all.


but. that is not wad i want.


so how? wad else can i do. instead of working harder than i am now and being nicer to ppl and trying harder to forge those 'worthless' bonds with the ppl ard me such tt i can actually become something, jus, something, at least an image in ppl's mind and not jus smth tt doesnt rly matter even if i dont exist.


my only goal is to be better than myself today, and keep growing and keep learning. such tt the current container will no longer be able to hold me, and ill go into a bigger container and keep growing, and changing containers, and growing.
*if u noe wad im trying to imply, if not, think harder. heheheheh tts it for now. needa exercise.

strength.

so it was jus like any other day where i was waiting with the rest of the commuters at a bus stop. trying my best to squeeze into a fully packed bus, trying to maintain my balance and not to fall throughout the whole journey.


lots of negative thoughts were going through my mind, like cursing at the government, swearing at the middle aged lady beside me, those foreigners who were flooding into my homeland and adding to the congestion problem. then a thought came to me, i am here with them because i am not strong enuf to break away from them.


the weak cannot live alone and hence they gather in groups in order to survive. im blaming others for the discomfort tt i haf to live through but in fact, i shldve blamed myself for not being a high flyer, a person with good grades, a person who managed to make wise investment choices that could make me soar above the others ard me.


i am no different from the rest of them. i am but a sheep being herded in this enclosure, jus living through day in and out w/o much thoughts about wad i can do to break out of these chains of social norms tt are slowly constricting me.


yes. i shld keep this in mind and keep getting better, getting stronger and rise, instead of giving myself excuses and slowly blending into the crowd as just "one of them"


jiayou k?