unfair.

started my day pretty lightly as I tried taking the "express bus" and argh, lets not talk abt it. lol its slow as shit.

anw had an awesome breakfast and things started going downhill. work related stuff jus cant get its ass outta my leave. and heck, its biting my ass tight for almost the whole day. sigh.

well, I'm kinda feeling better now that I've had some beer and all. that aside, lets... talk about today.

so I cut my hair, went out with my mother to explore that place in which she always wanted to explore, and ooh mmann.... seeing all those places reminds me of you, its funny isn't it? its been well over one freaking year and here I am reminiscing about the past, hmm saw many places in which you wld prolly go like "woaHhh" and feel happy about but now, I'm here, with my mum. damn. LOL

I kept thinking to myself that yes, I did the right thing but nonetheless, whenever I'm feeling so damn lonely, I can do nth but curse. To curse the god which I hated so much, what have I done to deserve this.

I.. only wanted to love someone why is it so hard.. for a person like me.

aw fk it. tonight I'm going crooked. :))

Infinite dream

Had a pretty, nice or bad dream.? it was about someone who was in my life long ago. the dream went smth like I happened to see u and u ran after me, and held me in ur arms.

then I had the same thought again. "should I stay with you for good? should I push you away? I am feeling happy now but will I regret my decision later??"

and I woke up.

yea, if I'm still having such doubts even after all these time, I believe that I rly did make the right choice then.
Nonetheless, I'm starting my 1 week leave effectively today

so yay: this marks the beginning of the 9days of life.

that XX

happened to chance upon this song, pretty interesting that is.
" How is that bastard better than me"

Hmm its been a pretty uneventful week which is nice, in which I'm rly hoping that it would've been like this all year long.
and woots, my bday is coming and I'm guessing that it will most likely end like how my every other bdays these years did. lol. hmm tt kinda sucked but... ill get by, whats new anw. lol

well unknowingly my bday is coming again soon, how time flies yeah? anw, I guesss it ill be fine. Just hope tt my heart goes strong and ill just um, live like normal =)


u didn't ask, u didn cared and so I didn't as well
\

the boy's brown hair

though it seems like nth, but well, I actually dyed my hair recently.

but I suppose it kinda have some meaning behind it. firstly, I've kept my black hair because,
(1) u guys haven't seen me having black hair before? heh. I seldom had black hair then.
(2) I am gonna start caring more about how I look. hah.

perhaps its a good sign, that I'm moving on forward more, I'm less attached to the past, nonetheless, I would always think of u ppl every now and then, but... I had already accepted the fact. accepted that its all over. long long long over.

so yup. cheers to tomorrow. cheers to the loads of shit tt I cant clear :)))

alma's karma.

so... what have I done today? hmmm went to coronation plaza to " attmpt studying" but... well its not very effective. Plus, I didn manage to see any erms ok, didn manage to see any familiar faces which kinda made tt trip a waste?? heh. so while I was outside, I looked at all those ppl hanging out, couples, friends everywhere. while I'm all by myself...what have I done to deserve this kind of solitude? was it because tt I'm not frenly by nature? was it because I actually cut off ppl whos not impt to me a couple of years back? well...I guess ive always did the right thing. so even if its caused by my,...... asssholeness, mmm ok fine ill admit tt its due to my fault. Right, so how can I ever solve it? how can I ever solve this problem?? by when?? LOL. I guess I don't have that many LONNGGG weekends to waste time like this. and argh, what am I gonna do for my bday this year. I don't think I have enuf time to make a difference now lol, less than a month left and by the way things are rolling, I can pretty much predict wads gon happen lol, nothing. gotta have to rot my ass away and emo-ing again. ZZZZ I suppose its just my karma, and its biting me in the ass right now. tho its hard at times like this, ill prevail. yes I will, well, I don't think I've seen anyone actually dying of boredom so its fine yea? anw good to know the truth, like haha don't like being not in the know u see. *heave ho*, lets go cy, time to kick some ass

lets not fall in love.

nth special, just a song, lets not fall in love. so many parts of the song described my thoughts back then.
" Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes But I really mean it when I say I like you If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad"

in a sense this reminds me of the me previously but... well, I'm different now. I suppose. hahaha the barrier that I've set up ard me was so strong tt it actually worked rly well in terms of repelling ppl away from me. which is pretty nice as I think Ive successfully filtered out a lot of those superficial ppl who I wont need to keep in touch with? those who just acts sociable/friendly and all for the sake of acting like it. hah. reducing such contact actually makes reduce the negativity I have for this world in which im living in.

I guess ppl ard me feel tt I've lost interest in woman, since im always indifferent or rather, cold towards them. haha well not to worry tho, im very sure tt my sexual orientation is still.. very normal lol but well, its just tt im rly afraid of getting hurt. like wad was presented previously "if I get attached to you, ill get sad."
ahh..well well.


lets not fall in love.

feeling nothing

still feeling nothing. I suppose that is a good thing. for ive felt rly horrible previously, like rly rly horrible to the point whereby feeling nth right now seems to be some sort of mercy for my miserable life.


been feeling shitty whenever I had to go to work and always had issues where ppl felt tt my job is easy as shit. well.... I don't know, but if I aint the one doing it, I wldve thought so too. and now it is up to me to spring board out from this place whenever its possible. not tt I'm a quitter, but.... well, a man gotta aim high, and especially for a man like me who tend to bow down to emotions at times, I haf to work doubly hard such tt I wont stay in a place where I shldn be staying like before.( KAP)


yes. ive gotta keep improving myself, not jus the me at work, and also the me outside of work such tt I can climb up the ladder and one day be proud to announce my designation out loud.

as usual.

u noe my name, u dont know me.
i want you to know me, i dont want you to know me.
i want you to know my story, i dont want to tell you about me.


haha this contradiction, does anyone else face it? met up with my uni frens this evening, the group in which i've cut off for about a year or 2? hahaa well, as promised(to myself) ive somehow decided to join them in their outing this time around. awkwardly i just appeared, trying my best not to get myself into the spotlight of their q&a session.


well i guess i did quite a good job to appear unfriendly and unapproachable and all but well... tt wasnt wad i intended to do but..... okayyy.. it ended up tt way so ill jus take it.


seeing them again reminded me of the me a couple of months back, where i felt so fked up, where i had no cheek to meet other ppl. when i was such a letdown.


haha not tt im anything awesome now, but i suppose i shld stop hiding from other ppl? i shld have the courage to face other human beings and u noe, live like a normal person too.


today was pretty normal, still hoped that there would be ppl interested in knowing me, to the point whereby i wld be willing to drop the wall ive built. =)
the day will come, where someone would happen to try open the gate tt ive set up, and tt time comes, ill let her in, and she'll see the whole of me.


i promise.

feeling okay.

was feeling kinda okay. like normal. despite having ppl leaving here and there, theres not much emotions going on inside me.


Mayb its due to the fact that I've maintained my distance, mayb its cause of the fact tt im colder than b4. mayb mayb but its good tt i dont feel anything. for im rly sick of hurting.


this weekend's gonna be packed full of programs so, yup something to look forward to? yes weekend, im gonna claw my way over right now.

Sober

Being sober is hard for me
Being sober is the thing I hate most.


trying to escape the cycle of worklife that im stucked in. trying my best to escape from my reality. but well, its a circle, a mean cycle.
so where did i stop last time, ohh about a colleague leaving soon. haha, ive always told my frens that "hey dont wry, im gonna take it slow" cause i thought that time will be on my side. it came as a shock but it shouldn shake me much since i took the safe route. i chose to keep my distance anddd i guess it would have been the right choice. It may b an end, while it may have been a perfect opportunity as well. but nonetheless, i think tt it will all jus come to a naught and ill prolly be broken if i stepped in further.


its all pretty good right now? since it finally seems that i no longer cared for anyone else other than myself. Each time i cared about other ppl always resulted in me getting hurt and all. so... yup. thats good thats good.


im approaching my goal, to be an emotionless dude. im on my way.

i dont love you.

i dont, love you. i dont even... know you that well. so....i cant explain that hurt tt i am feeling right now. why.


perhaps i was jus caught by surprise, i..just thought tt i cld take it slow and all but.... heh
life.


it nv turns out the way we wanted.. i've always thought tt "yea ive still got time and all, ill take it slow. but argh, turns out, no, im outta time."


that kinda.. make me feel sad but.. lets... buck up cy. u promised urself not to haf a heart.

please stop.

please stop dreaming. please stop trying. please stop doing things tt u shldn do.


switching in between characters is soOooo.. one moment ill be doing this, and another im regretting that.


couple of lame stuff weighing my mind down. lots of things tt i shldn be bothered with is trying their best to bother me. ahh.life.




im gonna be fine, im gonna be fine, jus needed to just, dont concern myself with every single thing tt is happening around me.

life is never fair

am currently chilling and wasting my time away in starbucks. theoretically am supposed to study and u noe, make my weekend so god damn productive, until i realised that i forgot to bring along my financial calculator. lol.....=_= well nonetheless, will prolly continue when i get home,

going backwards, came down to study on thur as well, but was mega distracted by all the thingies hanging ard me. haha was just seeing how all these people always hang out in pairs makes me kinda uncomfortable. well i dont know, i kept thinking abt how life has been unfair and how i shld have been able to be with someone i'd love and be all so happy and all. uhhh in a sense i can say i chose this life. but to be honest, i jus didn manage to meet someone who is worth me giving up all my freedom for( and would give up hers for me) LOL,. thats the harsh truth.

perhaps someday i just might get lucky, perhaps someday i might jus give in to desperation, perhaps, i'd jus live and die alone. nobody knows wad future has for us so... i suppose i shld jus keep living like this, and jus... wait? okok
Love is but overrated, to be precise, its simply... nature. You're attracted to someone goodlooking, smart, well-built, strong,perhaps..err wealthy? its natural selection at its best, those with better genes were able to reproduce, (wealth will prolly add to the factor? since wealth can be passed on to the nxt generation lol) its all natural for humans, as a living species to desire evolution. with the better genes passed on, and the lower quality genes to die off, whats left will be a next generation of better species, smarter, stronger, wealthier? human beings.

hahahah all those strange thoughts crowding my mind. well well, tts a good way to let my mind getaway from all those work related stuff anw. :))

heave ho. going back to study.


we came to this world alone, and will most probably leave this world alone too. So why do we work so hard to connect to other people and search so hard for "another half"? i dont have the answers now, perhaps ill be able to answer this mystery and help other people understand too.

false.

i was foolish to believe that i might be able to obtain happiness if i'd tried abit harder. i was a fool to think tt hey, i can try getting to know u better and perhaps.. u noe, lol.


but well well, i guess i shldn even try. the feeling of trying and failing is rly suffocating. I think i've had more that enuf of such experiences. its rly rly horrible. well mistakes made, move on, stop trying to u noe, correct the mistakes. its nv gonna work. it didn work back then and im sure as hell it wont work now either.


take heed to what i am saying CY, love yourself. stop trying to get love from others. this way, i wont be hurt, and well, its better off tt way.

nomu bogo shippo

hey yall, its friday again, and here i am, sippin on them beer chilling my night away. i duno, if this is the "right" thing to do as u noe, after u grow up, the words "right" and "wrong" becomes quite....subjective.


it appears tt nth is definitely "Right" anymore. every "Right" decision always come with some "wrong" factors and vice versa. well...since its part of growing up, i guess ill jus accept it as it is.


i did do smth kinda constructive today. i actually dragged my ass to "study" some of my CFA shit. gosh, thinking back... was tt rly constructive? hahha well, i did.. erms... like 12 qns out of 120 qns.... so i guess.. its kinda. constructive.




hee... its a quarter after 12... okay sry its a quarter after 1 and i.. miss you now but lol. i think i've been through this millions of times. dafuq am i doing, hahha going through the process of "ohhh i think i shld try... fk i mus stop doing dumb fk nonsense like this"


ah. the alcohol shldn be the reason for breaking the status quo. lOl.... well fk me, for breaking the rules and bowing down like a loser.


=O

Daydreamer.

Here I am, daydreaming. Just ytd.? Or the day b4 ytd I was telling myself tt I will be fine alone, and I don't need anyone else. Yea... and den I had this "hmm wld I have a chance.?? Wld we be able to link up.?" jus cause of some random stuff.




anddd snap. nths gonna happen for me. haha anw yea lets go cy... more work awaits for me tomorrow and the struggle to get to friday starts again.


okaeri.

do you know me

You know my name, do you know my story. If you know my story, do you know me?

Jus a bunch of thoughts that's running through my mind this few days, well.. its triggered by a couple of stuff, namely, erms work wise? and prolly also triggered by some random person who jus seemed to appear around my life. So it seems that since I've started working and more ppl would have heard of my name and all but it doesn't feel like ive got more frens. Perhaps its caused my by reluctancy or rather incapability to converse with other ppl regarding things that are outside of work. I can survive w/o talking to other ppl about personal stuff but I guess, if I needed smth more, I needed to give smth more. LOl. duno if I made sense. anw yea, I duno, I jus sucked at communicating with humans I guess.

what to do?? well i'll see how it goes and ok. I suppose ill try to squeeze out a smile or 2 from nxt week? lol ugh, k fine. Ill jus be normal and not do anything more. I wont feel fked up tml. hahaha so I guess its enuf to jus rant it here.

well moving on, im kinda slowly getting crushed by the loneliness. even tho Im the one who said tt ppl wont die even being alone. but argh, its slowly suffocating me, im starting to blame god for being unfair and all but well after all it was me who chose to be alone, but well, you gotta be slightly responsible as well since you didn send someone angelic into my life k. so yea.

nonetheless, ill most likely be ok by tml ( as usual) jus ranting here and there shld do the job. heh oh, saw someone that resembled someone I missed dearly and I jus kept stealing glances even tho I know that its not her. but well, I duno, I cant control my eyes man. anw yea okok. move on right? understood.

so here I am, foolishly waiting for you at a place in which there is a possibility of meeting you. even if the possibility is rly small, at least it is not zero. then comes another problem, so what if we met, wld we even talk? will I get sick of listening to you? will you even bother saying "hi"? wld I have the courage to approach you? what shld we talk abt? lol. then 'why wait' you may ask. I duno. my body simply moved on its own.

loving you.

love comes in many forms. i let you go because i loved you. i dont want to be the one who will hurt you because i loved you.
but i guess, it seems that at the end, the one i loved the most is myself. heh. so i think its most likely worth it. these lonely and seemingly boring fridays spent... will probably be good for me in future. Ive always told my frens and myself that we shldnt be whining about all the " we shld have done this, we shldve done that" as complaining about yesterdays arent gonna help, we shld look forward, with our past experience backing us up, we shld be looking forward to " we will do this, we're gonna do that"


haha. i sincerely do hope that in future, ill look back and think to myself "yea, i've made the right choice then" as... im kinda having regrets here and there but im jus moving on with my teeth clenched.


well.. cy.. remb, dont love, and thus you wont hate. without hatred, you will bcome something greater than "the others"

gotta stop believing.

cause its a weekend. what have i done? hmm friday was jus a lame house beer party with me and me and me at home doing nth much other than watching some lame ass old movie and jus dozing off.


sat morning was spent sleeping, and afternoon was spent walking ard and stoning and all lOL. well, somehow managed to pull myself out and went clubbing at night tho. supposingly an awesome night with chicks and drinks and all but... well nope. nth happened.


so i guess ive changed, or perhaps the crowd has changed or well, i just felt tt its awesome tt im able to meet up with frens whom ive lost contact with and reconnect with them, and everything else didn rly matter.




oh yea, managed to drag my ass outta my hse this morning and visited my adorable nephew and niece and god. adorable kids kinda made my lame ass weekend slightly less meaningless. hahaha.






love don't exist when you live like this

ill stop believing in love. cause love dont exist when you live like this.

Not enuf.

k so what's worse than having an uneventful weekend, a frantic first day of the week with loads of shitty things happening to me.

So today was rly rly horrible. Not to mention tt we've been mad busy, I rly did tried rly hard to complete whatever that I was supposed to do. Nonetheless, "poof", more things tt I'm supposed to do in which I haven't touched. And yup, of course I'm gonna get that look from them, and tt pretty demoralizing.

It's jus like, working rly hard and getting a poor result. Lol. Guess my working hard isn't rly enough, what else shld I do? Well... Yea work harder. And harder and prolly stay till like 10pm right.? Lol. Fk this like srsly.

Yea fine. Let's work harder tml and see how it goes yea? Z