Bring me back to life.

I wanted to find someone to have dinner tgt. I cant seem to find a suitable candidate. the year is ending and I wanted to do smth special, just... smth... but nope I cant think of anything interesting to do.

Had I forgotten how to live due to the fact tt I'm in night shift? I think not. I think ive forgotten how to live since I decided to leave. I mean, its sad but I'm supposed to have a better life but I'm not, and this is bullshit.

Will do a year end review... on 31st Dec since I think ive got a lot of time heh. anw yea I must not feel like this when the new year comes. I must find back my way of life, as a human, and not just being stucked in this endless cycle of regret.

if we ever meet again

If we ever, ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
If we ever meet again
I won't let you go away


would I? I don't know. but one thing tt is definite is that, I'll never be the same. So would you.

Why not we just put down our pride and come together again.

ok fine. we'll just keep revolving our own life until fate bring us tgt again, that story would've been more beautiful, and perhaps less painful.

yea ok lets do tt.

I've forgotten

was just walking ard looking for breakfast. And after breakfast I'll go and slp, after tt I'll jus wake up for lunch, den take an afternoon nap. And I'll have dinner b4 gg for work after.

I mean tts been my routine for a couple of weeks now, and I've got 2 weeks more to go. Well I was suddenly in the state of mind whereby I'd stopped thinking abt my other human needs, like a hobby, social life, etc. I think I've even forgotten tt I'm a human, I'm just a being who is capable of working in a call centre and working in the night shift, yea, tts all I rmb.

I Guess I will try my best to get back to being a human.. After this is over, if it ever will.

un appreciated.

be it relationship with other human beings, be it work related. I'm always unappreciated for all the efforts I'd put in.

this is sincerely depressing. is it because I am srsly not good enuf or, simply, unappreciated.

ahh.. effort, appreciation... if the equation does not balance, nature will find its way to make sure that it is balanced, since appreciation from others is harder to increase, the easiest thing to decrease would have been the effort put in.

ahhhhhh...



anw tt aside, I've been thinking abt... life? frens? heh, ive been hanging out with frens, laughing/pretending to laugh. am I happy? I don't know. its been a rly long while wher I cld laugh out rly happily w/o the influence of alcohol to the point where I don't even know how to anymore.

life. life.

the wedding.

went for a wedding again. well, didn get drunk today, which is a good thing but I guess ive got back quite abit of feels today.

 Feels.... Feels... well I don't think I wanna go into details today.


I am no longer that boy you knew, you are no longer that girl I thought I knew.

U no longer know me, I don't know u either.

when u rly get married shortly later, I wont be invited, but still, I'll wish u all the best, from the bottom of my heart.

sry I lied but ok. please be happy ok? and may our paths... nv cross again.

the void.

ive got this void inside. I guess I'm not the only one but I've yet been able to fill it since... how many years ago.

I mean, as far as I can recall, the void in me had been there since just before me entering uni? which was like 6 years ago I'm assuming. smth had felt so off but I was unable to identify tt then... until someone provided me with the correct term to describe it; empty.

Yes. i'd been hanging out with 'frens', widening my social circle, narrowing my social circle, trying to have fun as much as I can, spent a lot of time and money on stuff. Sometimes I was able to forget the emptiness, but as I reached home and lay on my bed, I remembered that I'm still empty.

I wonder if I wld ever be able to fill that hole, perhaps doing meaningful things in life would help filling it, like, u know, having a hobby, helping other ppl in life etc etc. but what exactly are MY meaningful things. I do noe that different ppl would view different things as meaningful. drinking? hanging out with real frens? hanging out with family? travelling to different countries to see a different world? heh. nope. I still cant get an answer from all these activities which i'd done.

argh I wld love to fill that void up soon. like... srsly. and if possible, fill other ppl's void as well.

realisation.

when u realized that ppl are so not interested in you. when, you tot you scored pretty well in other ppl's scoreboard but in fact you're nth.

how many times has it been, where I tot I did pretty ok but in the end, I jus fked up. I guess I'm just shitty tts why. and I sincerely wonder wher did all those self confidence came from. =|

so yea, had tried to visit starbucks a couple of times to study, in hope to see some familiar faces or smth to u know, try to reminisce the past.
but well, it is not only until 2 days ago tt I realized that I... am not looking for familiar faces. I am just waiting for u. heh. following the lead which I had 2 years ago, I thought if I kept gg there, I might just bump into you, and u know, perhaps we can jus get in touch again.

well yes, realization that the probability of tt happening is rly low, and even if in the minute chance that we happen to meet, would u jus walk away? would u sit down and jus chat like before? I don't know, good chance that u wld pretend u didn see me and jus walk away tho. lol

so yup, ive gotta let go of everything in the past. I gotta man up and be someone new, someone I wanted to become.

Our times.? wow.

managed to catch tt movie online. yay :) and watching it on a weekday is pretty.... bad I guess. haha given tt I was captured into that movie's story line and all.

Ok so the movie's like this girl likes this guy and this guy likes this girl but they didn dare to say it out, and heck they ended up missing one another for years and then they somehow magically met again with sort of like a happily ever after ending.

Sets me thinking, like seriously, the probability of such coincidence happening is so minute. So many ppl forgets abt the person they 'loved' during school years and moves on in life. Even if u meet with him/her after years of no contact and all,(1) what's the probability tt tt person is still single and available (2) the person u knew is no longer there ( character wise) he/she's gonna become a stranger and there's a gd chance tt u will think tt "I Guess I no longer feel anything for her" not to add on how awkward it's gonna be after so many years of not meeting lol.


It'd been a couple of days had passed so I had tried my best to put my feelings into words but ok tts pretty much all I'd felt about the whole storyline and all.


Tt aside I was thinking to myself. Seems tt I had worked so hard tt I've forgotten how to live. How to interact with ppl outside work. In addition, have I changed.? Have I changed much.? If I had the chance to meet u ppl again, can u recognise me.? I don't know. I no longer know anything anymore. But nxt week I'm on a short break so.. Hell yeah.*:)

Giving up.

Have I mentioned about how hard it is to make a choice between giving up and trying harder? It's rly pretty eAsy to just say "I give up, this is impossible". It's prolly not a good thing but as we gain more knowledge and experience, its really easy to say "hey, this is not gonna work. we shouldn even try"

I just lost like the opportunity to.... you noe, get to know someone new, due to whatever the reason. I guess I didn have the guts to try, I don't have the courage to approach cuz I worry abt this and that. too many a times I didn even try, telling myself tt its not gonna work even if I try anw. but ah.. anw. nobdy know if tt is a good thing or a bad thing.


I simply sucked. I just lost tt chance again.

I don't even know you, so y am I missing you.=.=\

the villain.

funny how we were in the same place but we've never met. funny how I missed you but u didn know that.



i don't know if this is considered a bad thing but, i sparked the dead attraction in you whereby i do not intend to be responsible for.

I'm slowly slipping into becoming the villain. I'm consumed by hatred, by life, by the unfairness, such tt i wanted to hurt someone else in return. it is not the right thing but it is a natural thing to do.

Hurt or be hurt. which party would you prefer to be.
.

Connected.

Saw an insta post abt a fren of mine whom u know, fulfilled his dream after a year. Time... Had passed by pretty okayly and it jus prompted me to recall "wad was I thinking of/ what was I doing last year??"

Last year I believe I'm still unemployed. Self wallowing in my own sorrow created by myself. I don't know wad tt was for but yea, was drowning in beer and Low self-esteem? Ego.? Yea trying my best to get out of the situation on my own while cursing at my own wretched fate. So one year later, here I am. Still cursing at my own life, unsatisfied with the current status. Is this normal.? For human to constantly hate his current situation? Perhaps it's good as u know, unsatisfactory brings about change, change brings about improvement and yea.

Anw, if someone were to ask me if I missed anything from the past, I believe it would be ppl. Ppl who were pure and nice to talk to. Who sincerely would listen and share their life with me, now tt I think abt it... I don't think I have anyone who's like tt left. Tts kinda sad don't u think.? Mayb tts part of growing up, or mayb it's just me being not willing to pour my heart out to other ppl. But well yea, if only those ppl are still ard me, who will still be willing to listen to all the shit I've swallowed, perhaps I'll be happier.

If this is part of growing up I'll accept it. I don't think I'll die from it so... Let's leave it tt way then.
Yeah:))


It'd became a bad habit of mine to want to know how ur life is. I just refused to break the last bit of thin hanging thread connecting u to me. I mean, jus being able to know how ur life is kinda comfort me, even if it's just a little. This won't last forever I know, but I hope by tt time when all the threads break, I wldve been able to find another form of comfort.

If you.

"If you’re struggling like I am
Can’t we make things a little easier?
I should’ve treated you better when I had you"



I am struggling every single day. Praying tt every day can pass by smoothly. Friday had been so had to reach these days and weekdays seemed so dreadful. 

Should have studied but.. u know... life.

I'm living like an empty shell, I go out but I'm not enjoying. I don't know. what else should I do to be happy. :|

Still. Daydreamingg

So what am I doing. Work. Work. And work.

I work hard. I try hard. I'm at the same spot.
I crave for a wider social circle, I wanted to meet more ppl. I'm still the same.

nths new now and I've gotten myself sometime for day dreaming.

Was just thinking, how different am i compared to the me last year. How different am I now if ur eyes. I don't know, I nv will.

I was jus thinking if things hadn't went south, wad wld we be like right nw. Will u be here beside me ranting about all the shit in life.? Wld I be willing to listen to all ur problems like before.?

I don't know, i wld rly want to try u know, it wld feel so much like a time travel and of cuz, having u by my side wld prolly make me stronger. But well, wad tt gives u strength also becomes ur weakness. No one wld be able to say which choice is better, but I can only go this way now. Since things are alr like this, its alrdy way beyond my control.


Look forward, sigh & look back, den keep moving. Cause history is the best teacher sometimes. So yea, jus thinking. Tml I'll go back to become the work maniac tt I always had been

Fault.

Phew. It's another Friday finally. Here I am, all alone in a cafe waiting for time to pass. I don't know, I mean, it's my fault tt I'm all alone.

Well I can blame life for being unfair, I can blame myself for being such an uninteresting person tt ppl won't wanna hang out with me. But it won't change a thing.

Blame it on myself for being a fked up person yea.?

K.

This hatred.

Being kinda angst today. Well... What's the reason for being angst, simply because there's nth much for me to be happy about anw.
Mood became kinda foul as the first thing I see in the morning is some bitch skipping work, well can't rly blame her anw, since she's leaving soon. The hatred shld be targetted towards the other bitch who didn't take prompt action to actually help us, so yea. And tt same asshole jus threw some additional shit for me to do. Gosh. She's gotta be kidding me.

Well. This hatred.. Perhaps the ultimate owner of my hatred, is myself.
Cause I'm the one who didn try to keep u.
Cause I'm the one who didn try to get you.
Cause I'm the one who didn work hard enuf to get better grades.
Cause I'm the one who didn prepare myself for interviews.
Cause I'm the one who chose this job.

So yeah. I Guess I jus hate myself, more than anything else.

No Heart for this.(distrator)

Yes I know there ain't a word distractor, or is there.? Anw, I think I'd been trying and trying and trying to write an entry of tt title since... Couple of weeks ago I Guess. And it didn't happen, jus cause my bro always had to pop by and disrupt my {soul searching} my {me} time.

Yea. So tts wad happened.. For bout,3 times.? Right. Anw perhaps it's gd tt I didn write anything here since whenever I'm writing an entry here, it's most likely abt smth sad. Hah. Nonetheless, yea so here's one entry tt doesn't contain much emotions. In fact, it doesn't rly contain any contents as well.

Heh. Right. So let's jus sum it up as I'm still alive and kicking and... Tho life kinda sucked right now, I'll live through it

to believe in love.

people told me to believe in love. believe that even I will see it one day. have... I ever? I aint too sure tho haha. I mean physical attraction yea but love.. perhaps nope ya.

I mean, it seems that everyone else were able to experience love but me, and why is that so. I think I'm not much different than the others. in fact I would like to think tt I'm nt all tt bad loL. but wells. how can I believe in something which I don't even see. perhaps this lovey lovey thing is created by a computer matrix and all "living things" that I'm seeing right now are simply programs or rather a created image to see how I would react to different situations. and heck my main body is actually in another dimension ,sleeping.

well I extracted tt above from the movie :"Matrix" lol, haha its a really crazy movie tt actually....kinda screws its viewers in their mind.

ah.. well pardon my random rants, simply needed to write something here to prevent brain from rotting off.

hmm yea anw, how... do u expect me to believe in love. when it only seems like smth that only other ppl have.

the change in myself

had intended to blog abt something but mind is in a blank.

perhaps the thing is that I noticed myself repeating the same mistakes over and over and over and over tt prolly kills attraction. haha but well I cant help being myself yea?

so tts wad I am like, a joker who goes randomly crazy and being nice to ppl while keeping a distance. trying to act all noble and all. ppl just don't notice my efforts and well the others always gets the good stuff. hahaa...... so wad am I supposed to do? if only I can jus change just like that.

ah. ran outta stuff to write about... will be back later to update if possible lol

dashed (the end of dreams)

my bday is over. and as i'd expected, it was neither good nor bad. ok minus away the presents that were totally not in my wishlist..... ah, I shldn be such a dick and rly go whine abt it yea? since it is the thought tt counts. but.. argh lol

anw it was kinda nice that I actually got a week of leave (even though im the one who applied for it and if there is someone to thank its actually myself lol) and I actually lived in a pretty chill life for a week.. which is nice as it seems tt ive been so tied down by work that I didn manage to do all the small little things that makes living living. lol if u noe wad I meant.

Am blogging from work now as im pretty darn bored doing night shift.

smth strange happened just now. my heart was downed. for a while. I guess I jus liked competition. I simply react when I realise that there is competition in which I shldn have reacted.

I suppose my heart shld have settled down right now as I.. sincerely wonder why did I even felt tt way jus now. Jealousy? Envy? I don't understand myself at all. I suppose im jus an incarnation of envy, I want wad other ppl want to have (or wad ppl already have) I feel satisfaction when I actually won in a competition but.. in many cases... I simply failed. pathetically. and perhaps tts y im always hurt.

perhaps I shld rly take note of this and actually shun away from competitions. haha tt wil prolly make me look less like a fool

sorry for actually.. u noe, making my heart flutter. ill try not to anymore.

celebration

after one week of leave and chilling and all... its my bday again!


so I was looking through last year's blogpost and these were the 3 wishes I made.
1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me

hmm, point 1... I guess I have a job now, tho it kinda sucked but, its kinda achieved (yay), meeting up with old frens... lemme jus list them,

ive met cj, Daniel, soonhwee, zongting,sJ.... perhaps tts all? lol I didn manage to meet all of them but oh yea I did met up with my uni OG grp ppl.. so I guess tts also a step forward?

point 2.... well yea.

point 3! okay, at least ive got a job and ive got my beer with me. so I suppose tts cool? uh of cuz shit still happens but... well yea. I'm CY.

mmm. quite a fair bit of shit happened, and ive jus gotten news this morning that my uncle jus... u noe... and its pretty sad cuz it happened so suddenly. and it rly set me thinking

1) ive had a dream this morning that.... u noe, I tot I heard his voice or smth and I tot to myself... "it cant be...its jus a dream" and then the nxt thing I knew, I got notified of tt news. well.. of cuz, scientifically, if the situation is not optimistic, then tt wld have happened with a great probability. and since there is a great probability of it happening, the fact tt it actually happened the way in which my brain expected it to is really normal and coincidental.

but of cuz, ppl cld argue tt "hey its supernatural" and all but... well there are insufficient proof for tt theory.

2) if I were the one in my cousin's shoes... how will I react. of cuz logically, the first thing would be the fking cost of the whole hospitalization. and secondly... connections with other human gives u strength , but it also brings u down when tt person is no longer present, so yea, ill most likely be down for quite a while and all argh.

we are only able to make objective and logical decisions when we are not emotionally attached to another individual. relationship with other ppl is actually a double edged sword u see.. it gives u strength to carry on in tough times when the other person is actually there for u but.... it rly brings u down if u are no longer able to have tt person with u.

so... what do u think? is it better to be connected to other human or not. do u believe if it is coincidence or izzit a supernatural happening.

nonetheless..... happy bday to me!! =))

tho its highly unlikely but can I jus pray for miracles to happen? since its my bday and all... I shall pray for the impossible and be hopeful for the day