Clump of lies

living in a clump of lies, of falsehoods, of denials and of pride.

For pride, for hiding my heart, my weakness. I lied abt being happy, satisfied and probably also abt me being strong.

those concerned looks, concerned questions are nth much but looks of disdain and scorns to me. So I put on a false front to look ok, to sound like I'm fine with life right now. And I Guess tt im so Gd with lying to the point where even I myself am convinced.

Well well. Who wldnt want to be happy, or rather happier. jus stucked in the loop of lying to myself so tt I can lie to others n I Guess I can only be honest with myself in my most private moments.

For no one likes a liar n a weak person, the general populace wants a strong person tt they can rely on.  So tts wher I come in, in my Armour of lies n my shield of pride, together with my blade of sarcasm to fend off any hateful hypocrites.


The best liar fools himself first before fooling others, with his lie becoming his truth.

Not everyone gets it

Jus as I tot I mayb able to be slightly happier. Life jus Haf to throw a wrench into my face n tell me to wake up.

Haven't it always been like this. not everyone gets to be happy u know. I'm not supposed to b happy.

Divine judgement

not tt I'm rly into god or smth.

If this is my punishment, I'll accept it. But wher are my rewards? For being the best tt I can be for everyone around. For trying so hard, for being nice.

Perhaps it's alr given to me n I haven't seen it. But wad I did see n feel now is. Ahh. Life is so disgusting and I rly hate it.

So what if my all is not enough.

No one will care," hey he tried his best". These punishments tt I'm receiving now.... I'll take it up and learn? And/or react accordingly.

I'm sick of so many things.

I'm tired of you but I love u.

If I can talk to u freely, wad wld be the first thing I say. Ah. "Uve got poor taste and be prepared for ur retribution." Or did u alr got it.? Nah. Ur retribution is not as bad as mine is. I'm rly dying inside.

Poor me. Lol. TheCY? Get a grip.

To become a god.

It is through pain that we learn. Through hardship that we thrive.

I haven't gave up and I want to know u more. so much more.

a sneak peak into ur past make me want to give u a perfect future. I guess I reminded you of tt past. tt sad past. y didn I know this earlier.

I wldve been different.

I wan to change. I wan to be the one for you.

tell tt fker to stay away yea.

how does it feel

how does it feel to be tired but not able to sleep.

how does it feel to be angry but not able to scold anyone.

how does it feel to be alone in the dark

y am I the one being like this. hahahhahaha.

The holy ending?

This story is kinda disgusting. Very disturbing and fking ugly.

I rly hate this. Hate. It took me 2 years to recover, and when I'm finally putting in more effort, I am fked. Like srsly. Fk this shit.

Fk me fk the world. Fk everything

I'm already hurt Enuf. Pls stop hurting me. Dear god.

divine power

while everyone else may not know it, certain powers are actually given to others by other humans.
The power to give happiness, the power to breed hatred, the power to make ppl destroy one another.

Such powers can only be given to another individual by that individual itself

for I had been a divine, being unaffected by every other happenings in the world until I granted someone else with the power to destroy me.

How ironic.

for the brightest star to bestow upon the darkest rock the power to diminish my shine.

while I don't know if the ending of this story will happy, I only know that the brightest star had started diminishing at this moment and the strongest hero was granted a punishment and he is currently suffering like a mofo.

heh.

fk this shit like srsly

God

God.

I wonder which god u believe in. No matter. The god I'm referring to is another. 

It's a blessing and a curse to b loved by a god. For a god can bless u with infinite happiness, while at the same time bestow a punishment upon you tt is so great tt can destroy u in seconds.

I almost became the god. Until I fell in love accidentally. Love. Is a scary thing tt cld change me. Tt can make me forget all of the things tt I Haf to do and focus on things I want to do. 

And now tt I'm facing rejection symptoms.? I'm holding on to so much hate tt I can destroy the world with it. Yes with great love breeds great hatred. 

I rly hated this feeling. 

If I'm being punished, isn't it enough now.?

Accidental desperation

in spite of everything tt happened. It almost felt like I'd accidentally fell for somebody. While I was the constantly rejecting everyone and shit.

then comes a problem. I realised that id been boring for too long. I don't rly know what to do nowadays.im jus slping, drinking, working, omg. this cannot be it.

while everyones lamenting about hw 2016 had been and hw they will be better in 2017.
as if a day named as "New years day" can change their luck, their character, their fate, and remove all of their memories.
alas, they are gonna wake up on "new year's day" feeling empty. feeling ah. its a new year and everythings the same.

well I don't blame them. I too had always wished for the same, wishing for life to change for me. but I realised that I have to be the one to change life.

uh wadever. I'm jus gonna continue living. continue fighting. continue working and not hoping to forget wadever bad things that had happened to me.

for all of these things made up the current me.

The me in green.

had alot of time to think about life which I'd forgotten about while drowning myself in work.

had much feels after being pulled out from my routine life into reservist.

while doing smth which I rly hated, I started missing the little things that seemed all so minute. time with my family, time with my frens, time with any other ppl except for the hateful ppl I'm spending my reservist with.

Its is with great fortune that this cycle wasn't as taxing physically. So, id been given lots of time to just lie on my bed and think about everything and anything?

So yeah, I'm just thinking, while I'm trapped in this endless work cycle, trying to complete all them repetitive stuff, and even coming up with new ways to completing those repetitive stuff. Does it even matter at the end of the day?

I'm fighting to bring bread and butter to the table. while others aint really fighting as hard but are bringing in steak and foie gras on to their exquisite dining table in their own homes.

while I do believe that my raw capabilities are better than all those ard me, and in time, I'm gonna surpass all of them. and I need to play my cards right in order to rise, but its rly quite disgusting tt when I stay passive and watch others rise.

On the other side of the coin, all these are so petty. so small, so.... insignificant. How does it even matter which bitch/ bastard don't do their job well. while talking behind their backs certainly don't help, ah. even thinking about it now feels so lame.

I guess I gotta be the bigger person, a superior human being, that's my key for moving forward.


For... I aint like the rest.

Mortality

Well not like anyone is gonna gg soon but my mum kinda fell sick couple of days ago. While, I still feel like working my guts out coz of some stupid sense of responsibility. Which, nobody wld actually give a damn abt how much I did anw.

But. I jus enjoyed it. Heh.

Anw, I sincerely hope tt my mum's gonna be ok and be able to get healthy again. After all, she'd been strong and healthy for so Long. And I hope tt she can stay tt way for at least wad, 20 years.?++ srsly. I think they deserve it. Where she can see me obtain strength and power. To rise above everyone else. It wld be a shame tho. So cheers mum. I'll see u ard for at least 20years on K. AT LEAST. U may live till 100+ , I'll be very happy for tt.

So yea. I Guess it's a gd wake up call for me to go home promptly and not being so selfish. Indulging myself in wadever I felt like doing.

I... needa go home. :)

Shouldnt

Well I shldn haf started the game to begin with as I will b the only one whos gonna get hurt. So yup. Here I am. And there u are. Such Games aren't meant for ppl like me and I shld, jus u know,  go hide in a corner somewher n rot on my own.

Empires rise n fall.

While I'm bz trying to build my empire now, recruiting supporters, gaining power. I Guess I shldnt destroy my empire now.? So yea. Cuz u haf to power to make me forsake everything.

Heh. How retarded of me.

It hurts

as I am already aware, it would've hurt if I did tried. An almost impossible task, the task tt I do not dare to charge ahead.

It hurts when I tried to move forward to no avail, it hurts when I do not feel wanted. It hurts so much more than when I do not feel anything to the point wher I do not dare to hurt myself anymore.

I don't know, I Guess I'm gonna remain as a coward, I Guess I shld go back into my hole. I.. shld be alone

To let go.

To stop clinging on to smth tts not rly working, to give up on smth tts rly bothering you is rly rly liberating.

it makes me feel in control, feel.... freedom, at least for a while, instead of constantly feeling suffocated, constantly trying hard, trying and trying and trying.

uhh well today was rather not eventful as always but I guess I did manage to live through it nonetheless.
Walking in the rain, smth tt I liked doing a couple of years back, to feel wad it felt then, I duno, I no longer feel much. am I the changed man tt i'd wanted to be, or am I still the same.


if we ever meet again, will you be able to tell me the answer? that if I did manage to become someone better.

the ones that got away.

looking back at all the things that ive done.

power, recognition, hate.

all of these are so minute from the view of an observer. my lame struggles to destroy, to belittle, to prove myself seems... so stupid.

I do quite miss those days, where I just do whatever tt they ask of me n go home, party on Friday nights, get wasted for the whole weekend and go back to work again on Monday. or even further back, where I had to play petty tricks inside a café, lol..

life.


cheers. to the ones that got away. well, I aint sure that if I'm better than I was but... well.

congrats on being happily married.
congrats on finding someone worthy of your love.
I think youre doing well but... where are u tho.
are u happy now? well.. I'm still where I am.
lol



cy out.

expect me.

Previously:

"i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

....
I should stop expecting gd things to come my way."

Now

I guess I tend to forget over time, tt I tot I am entitled to certain things which I'm actually not. in which this sense of entitlement actually make me into a lousier human being than I'm supposed to be.

what kind of expectation am I having now, who and what gave me the right to be judgemental and decide how I should act infront of different ppl.

I need to stop expecting good things to come my way and I need to stop thinking highly of myself.

I need to be a nicer human being.

Lets use this 1 week break to shove tt into my thick skull with no contents.

The strong

aint tt always the case? Where tough men fight the war while others are enjoying the peace.

I've been strong for so Long tt I'm looking forward to a decent closure.

ive also been alone for so long that I don't think tt I needed another person near me.

a wild dream to remind me tt I'm human, a...dream. that I need to wake up frm. I will not be stupid and I will find my own way to get a life this time ard.

world.

I'm sick of whining.

I'm sick of complaining

I'm. jus sick of this.

Life had nv been fair and why... am I always the victim of such unfairness. Of cuz there are ppl who are worse off than me. of cuz there are ppl who are struggling just to stay alive and all. but, why, cant I get on top.

this is tiring.

just give it to me will you? that happiness that I'm supposed to have since long ago. y are you keeping it away from me.

right. I'm me, my purpose here is jus so tt other ppl can feel better when they compare themselves to me.

yea. in fact of whining and complaining, I should just be the sucker and suck it all up and let other ppl shine.

Dead heart

i cannot remb the last time I'm able to say words of love to somebody, or rather devote myself to love someone.

it could be because of the lack of opportunity, it could be due to the fact tt I've forgotten how to live.

I'm meeting frens and I don't enjoy the company, I cant think of words to say to stay relevant. I am losing it, my social skills, slowly but surely.

well.... have I always been so lonely? have i always been this boring? i do not know and i guess i should change, somehow.

In comparison

I donned my formal shirt, work pants, leather belt, sprayed on some branded cologne. Put on my leather shoes, picked up my black briefcase that still reeks of leather and left house as per my normal routine. I got on the train and tried my very best to squeeze into the packed train heading towards the city area.

Damn. This nostalgic feeling, this feeling which came to me when I was commuting to sch years ago. "I'll nv get stuck here like a canned sardine again"

The same route, the same train, the same scenery, the boy changed. It's been 2 yrs, well it may be considered Long for some while not tt much different for someone who's still studying.

So much of me had changed. I wld not get to put on formal working attire on a daily basis then, the cologne, putting wax and all on my hair. I rly looked different now. Wld you still recognise me if u hadn't seen me since then.?
I was smone new to the working world, nt tt I'm a veteran now but, now I'm in control of ppl, playing those games tt adults play, some say tt I'm gd at it but I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time tho. I just take it as it comes, handle each situation as it slaps itself onto my face, I deal with it. While I tot tt i have responsibilities and I have did well in my work, I can't help but having this thought which often find its way to my mind on the darkest nights.

"What am I doing these for.?"

While trying to find the answer to tt qn, I got tired and I fell aslp.

When my alarm rung the next morning, I would spring out of my bed and don my formal shirt.....


- working CY