i've had a dream

do u believe angels?


haha just a little part of the lyrics of the song im listening to.


well yea i just woke up from a somewhat beautiful? bizzare dream tho. hahaha like i dreamt of being with someone who looked like u but its not u. but uhh. i guess i did dreamt of u.


nuh uh. no issues over here, jus a random little dream that humans have every now and then.


what have i been living for these days? hmm just surviving day in day out and collecting the pay on every 15th of the month, with a seemingly pretty tired body tt only comes to life when sat hits.


i had hoped to study, to exercise, to haf a normal social life, and its kinda not happening for me.  i just wannted to go home and slp and jus wake up to the nxt working day.


hahaha this is so not healthy and definitely not gonna be kept going.


wake up ur idea chaoyi, ure diff from other ppl and ure different from the old u.

Good enough.

i wonder if I did become good enuf.

Having a sorta stable job and scrapping through day by day. I'd told myself tt I will use half of the time tt was given to me to finish learning. I'm only left with one month tho, and I'm not sure if I cld meet the deadline set by myself, nor the deadline they set for me.

Nonetheless, I rly hope tt I will be able to keep this job for a, pretty long time? A year or 2 at least.? And I sincerely pray tt I will be the one to say tt I wanna leave because I haf a new job.

Negative feelings aside. I'll get back to the topic.

I read through my previous posts, posts written by me when I didn had a job. Lol. I was saying abt how I don't haf any courage to approach some of my "old friends" cause I am not doing well enuf to keep in touch with them

What abt now.? Am I good enuf now.? Mayb not. Mayb i shld stay as I am, my bad, staying the way I am is not good enuf as wel. I srsly needa start working harder. And prolly reduce the Amt of alcohol intake so tt I won't needa slp so much in the weekends. Damn.

goood for something.

when u keep doing smth, u eventually bcome good at smth. when u become good at smth, u will haf this air of importance built inside u. a self created sense of mightiness, pride, and everything nice. u start looking down on ppl, mayb belittling some other ppl in other professions.


while i needa keep this in mind. i may bcome good in something in time to come, im not good in everything. i need to always have this humbleness in me. for i dont want to become like one of them.


i need to constantly grow. to keep improving ( tt said, i havent been doing shit)


to become great, i need knowledge. to not become like one of them, i needa claw my way out.



yeah.

work hard.

i duno if its due to fatique or jus tt its normal, or for wadever reason.


kinda troubled due to work related stuff.


ill jus briefly talk abt it ya? i guess i shldve accepted the fact tt im supposed to be scolded for other ppl's mistakes, and not feel unjust. i shld jus keep it to myself wadever emotional issues tt i may encounter. well.. cause the office aint tt big, wadever i say wldve been heard and mis-represented.


so ok ppl might feel offended, unhappy and all other stuff. but well i dont haf any ill intentions, and I think they wld feel tt way cause they don't know me. So I can't blame them, I'm the one who didn't wan them to know me anw. So Mayb, all wld be better if they know me better? Heh.

Ok Tml. I'll work towards tt goal.

here without you.

taking a loong deep breathe.


tho im looking forward to weekends, im thinking tt it ended too quickly lol. perhaps because i havent been doing much things during these 2 days. and i felt tt its simply just wasted.


just like that.


yea yea i know i chose this path of solitude. But I do needa grumble and whine about it every now and then here since I can't do it to other humans. I mean I can but, I'll prolly preferred doing it here, and jus let everyone else think tt I'm jus a happy and funny guy running ard.

Anw, I've been trying to complete this post since Friday. Lol. And I guess I finally garnered enuf inspiration today. Lol. Well yea while trying to complete this post, I've also been trying to think of smth interesting + healthy+ meaningful to do. Smth tt I can say tt it's my hobby. But well, weekends are supposed to be for me to rest, and wadever free time tt I haf left should be for studying. In which I haven't been doing. Gahh.. I shld prolly rly put my heart into this.

I'll jus leave it at here for now. Gonna take a nap on the bus b4 gg to work heh.

annoying.

i forgot to bring my earphones for lunch. Damn.

And I'm surrounded by noisy ppl. Heh. It's actually nice tt there are young ppl in the place, k fk I'm starting to sound old. Okay I meant, it's nice to have noisy? Rowdy? Outspoken? Lol I duno which is the proper term to use but yea. Ppl who makes q abit of noise hanging ard makes the place less dead, but argh. It didn't feel particularly nice when they're right next to u.

Mayb im jus irritable cause of.... But Mayb I shldn have all these negative thoughts. I shld be like happy, and looking forward to Tml, and erms. Bright k? Right.. Tts it for now gotta go back to work and gonna update later.

Automated.

Just like how I automatically walked in that direction towards to mrt station. Like how I react when ppl start dissing me, like how I wanted to keep in contact with u. It's pretty much automated. God knows why I'm doing this. And I don't even know why I'm asking to be hurt. Lol.

A myriad of emotions, a mind in a whirl. Haha. A bunch of regrets.? Guess not. Even tho I'm sure tt there are traces of tt in my mind but I did remind myself constantly tt I made the right choice. Uhh. Guess tt shld be over pretty soon, jus a sudden urge.


it has been a year so it seems, i must be a fool for thinking that u will still be there, i must be a fool to think tt u wld forgive what ive done. i must have been a fool for trying to destroy the status quo. theoretically, i shldn have any remnants of emotions left. i shldve been able to leave everything behind. after all, i...am no longer that boy anymore. he's dead. his memories were implanted into mine and ive accidentally thought tt those memories belonged to me. but nope nope, those arent my experiences.


those ppl i missed, i wanted to be with, i fought to get back with, they dont know me, the real me. so yup. ive gotta go back to my own routine instead of being bugged by things tt dont rly concerned me.


heh.


Tml will be the same as any other day, today I'm gonna lie on my bed and not do anything as per normal. Nth nice will happen to me, and all I gotta pray for is tt nth bad will happen to me!



Yea. Live peacefully cy. Live normally. Stop asking for it, sadness tt is.:)))))






p.s. aint experiencing a split personality or smth, jus trying to make this post sound more interesting lol.

judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.