reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.

tomorrow.

its alrdy nearing the end of november.


perhaps its due to the fact tt exams are coming in, and the fact tt ive been pretty much coped up at home, it feels tt time really simply jus flew past. day by day, ill jus be waiting for tml to come like " ah tml im gonna do this. i will catch up on the studying tml." and then pop, ive only got 1 week left. -.-


ah. brain's pretty much not in the mood to blog lol. but i tot i shld write smth down to remind myself what i did and how i felt these days. might update again soon but now, lol. tts it yay


k im back to add in more stuff. lol. u know, the longer this job hunt drags on, the more im beginning to lose sight of what I am looking for. so many times, ive decided on the things tt I gotta do and den, I realised tt no, I cant do it tt way. and im supposed to go the other way around. and then I'll go and hide in a corner and den cursing to the wall. so what shld I do now. this way or the other, I don't know. lol. perhaps.. I shld go this way, the way tt ppl cursed at, or no, I shld go the way where ppl will jus feel indifferent about?


ok. i jus finished a practice paper. and i freaking scored 53/120. fking fail. and wif reference. am i stupid or wtf. lol. god. its tt feeling again. tt feeling of working hard, trying hard and failing. nonetheless im jus blogging now instead of revising tt shit. but argh fk. this shit sucked. so much. shld prolly go back to em later on


fking shit.








and i jus feel tt u're pretty disgusting.

the flower of hope.

apparently I haven't found it yet. lOL. but life's gonna go on. hahha. life isnt what i rly hoped tt it wld turn out as but, as long as i still live, im still good to go.


the job hunt is rly.. lol... ambiguous, whereby the end seemed so near and the nxt moment, "pop" i went back to the starting point. not gonna complain still.. cuz... my parents haf not given up on me, as i have yet to give up.


much studying and understanding is still needed for CFA. but..i jus cant seem to find the motivation to. even as ive alrdy removed every, single, distraction there might be. perhaps tt loneliness, tt solitude is whats bringing me down.


ive been using running man as a escape. ( heh thx man) but.. escaping arent gonna solve the problem. as i noticed in u too, u tend to escape when u face a problem, and ive tried to correct tt. but aw, that irony. i realized tt ive been doing the same thing. i shldve been rly focused on studying now. but.. every other thing seemed to haf attracted my attn.




i guess god heard my voice, saying how i am accepting ur absence and all. then i saw an update on ur life and i thought i needed some  beer again. tt intentional prank played on me. lol


but, well. i... haf to live a better life. i cant live in sorrow forever and i wont be able to do anything if im jus another pathetic worm crawling ard. ill.. try to still live wif  pride. i must.

Frustration.

went back to school to print some past year papers and, with the drizzle going on, i decided to go for a little walk down the memory lane. places which ive been to so often, places where we've went thru tgt. the memory is still fresh in my mind but, wanting it to happen again is no longer possible. mayb i shld be glad tt u're not wif me now anw, cuz, this harsh period tt im gg thru, its better not for anyone to see. lol tt wldve been so embarrassing.


tt aside, its pretty frustrating to go for interviews, and not getting the offer. lol. i wonder how many times have tt been now, and yes its pretty much my fault for not preparing enuf and not putting in the effort to understand the job. it feels so bad tt im practically rotting my life away, whereby i cldve been doing so much more.


and ppl wld be like "hows ur job hunt so far" fuck u. isnt the fact tt im unemployed self-explanatory to tt qn? and argh pls. jus gimme tt job lol. it rly sucked so much to be a liability, it rly sucked tt im so willing to work harder than anyone else and do so much better than any average other, but i dont haf the capability to prove it. my god. no


pick me up. please.

yet another.

am blogging frm starbucks lOL. perhaps due to geographical reasons, im seeing many familiar faces. lol. I wonder if I wld look familiar to them too cuz... I think I wld appear pretty different than before lOL. but no one's came over to talk to me so I guess tts cool. well I wasn't particularly nice to other ppl after all so... most likely nbdy wld wanna come over even if they do recognise me lol!

browsed thru my past few blog entries and I realised tt the contents haf pretty much been the same, and I sinderely apologize for tt. for being so repetitive, for being so lame.
for a change, im jus gonna talk abt erm, things tt are more.... not so emo?

went for another job interview and heck, im pretty sure I want this job. but.. thing is I was only informed abt the interview ytd afternoon and well I looked thru the job description tt didn look too interesting. but, as the interviewer went into details abt the job, gosh. I want it man. fk me for being not prepared.=_=

but well its ok. its just another item to add into my LONNNNNGGGGGGG anaconda-ishly LONNGGGGGGG LIST OF failures. jus one additional item wont make it look tt different lOL.

results, aren't known yet but I do hope for the best.

in dire need to study but damn, had to go to my bro's hse fr a couple of drinks
yea alcohol. lOl.=_=. well I asked him if I cld go for a drink on one occasion (when I was feeling rly down) and I ended up not gg lol. and, he's been asking me fr a couple of times alr and... I don't think its nice to reject him any further, jus as I was in urgent need of studying time, gosh I feel so unprepared.

hai... bonding is impt too, so... I guess... lets do it =0, and work smth out. okay.

it finally started sinking in, the fact tt u;re no longer within my reach. im, most likely cool wif tt. jus, don't invoke my memories and ill be fine.

ive got impt things to do after all

the season's change.(memories in the rain)

It's starting to rain pretty frequently these days, a sign tt December is coming, the year is ending. This year seemed to haf past by pretty quickly, perhaps it feels the same every but well. Okay. 

Being jobless for so long felt so bad, u noe, being a liability and all. Not being able to go out wif ppl Cuz of financial constraints, staying home for the whole day for God knows what reason. I hope it ends soon, while at the same time Im q afraid abt the uncertainty ahead. 

 

Well I've always had a thing for the rain, memories.? Mayb. But whenever there is a storm outside, I wld stare into it and jus start thinking abt the past, not RLY abt u noe, events tt happened in the rain previously but, jus whatever tt affects me the most.?

The rain is a trigger to the painful/most significant memories in my mind. Lol I wonder if I made it sound understandable but okay. 

I've tot of hw my life wld be if I didn make tt "wrong" decision then. It seems tt, Mayb, just Mayb, even if I had stucked myself to U, I wld most prolly not be very happy nonetheless. Well humans aren't animals tt can be satisfied easily. I wld probably had a lot of fun wif u and neglected the cfa, I cld still be working in spinelli, if not I wldve jus randomly accepted any job tt came. instead of wad I'm doing now (which is erms, supposingly searching for the correct job tt I wanted)

And then I'll still feel fked up tt I'm stucked wif someone like u. And then The same thing will happen again lol. Well. We were meant to break after all. I wld only cherish u if I didn had u, and u aren't the kind who will slowly stand there and wait for me to come back. Perhaps tts a inevitable fate. So, I had to accept this. 

Nonetheless abt another person, lol we haf on one side someone who wanted to care abt u, and u're jus going ard and getting ur heart break. Ain't it weird? Human tt is. Like, u're most likely attracted to things tt are not attracted to u lol.and thus we have  so many unhappy human running ard. 

Well well tt irony, tt rain, tt season of festive is coming again. And to me, it's jus an awful scorn.

Me and my beer against the world.

Ya. I uds tt its supposed to be "my beer and I " and a more appropriate title for today shldve been
"My beer and I against the storm" but let's jus leave it tt way, heh.
Wanted to study at Mac after trying out the ebi burger but apparently it's mega flooded wif ppl even at like 9+. I wonder wads wrong wif em, like why are there so many ppl having Mac at 9+ wher it's too early to be supper timing and too late to be dinner timing. But oh wells I'm there Cuz I wanted to study, so ive got a real valid reason to purposely avoid the supposingly busy dinner timing. But alas, it's still mega packed wif ppl walking ard wif their trays of food.
And that's another issue. If u noe tt it's rly crowded, why wld u buy ur food first and den search for a seat, u're jus gonna look ridiculous walking ard wif a tray, in a crowded fast food restaurant. Nope, I noe wad these ppl are thinking, no matter what, nope. Don't expect tt jus becoz u haf a tray of food, u will get a seat.

Ugh so abt me, cuz of tt crowd, I Didn haf the cheek to take out my stuff to study even tho I RLY wanna to. Kindhearted CY left his seat straight after eating tt ebi burger and proceeded to buy 2 cans of beer. LOl

As I've mentioned, or Uve seen, today is RLY RLY rainy. Did I use the right description? Well heck it anw. So wif a small umbrella, 2 beer, I went on an adventure to walk thru the heavy rain. It's pretty scary tho, lol wif the Lightning and stuff. Not tt Im afraid of the loud noises frm thunders but I'm more afraid tt i wld get hit by lightning and end my wonder life so randomly, lol

Anw, the experience of walking thru the rain and the fear tt came wif it made me feel... Alive. Since I've been pretty much coped up doing my own stuff and haven't rly felt much emotions these days, so yea I felt alive. It feels nice to be drinking beer, in the middle of a heavy thunder storm, wif my soaking wet shoes and socks and shorts. It's rly smth I haven't experienced it for a longggg while. Lol. Perhaps I'm crazy, perhaps everyone else is like this too. Like putting myself in an uncomfortable position intentionally jus to feel the thrill. If u get wad I meant lol. So yea a nice long walk while relating this situation to my current life situation. Like even if there's a storm pelting down on u, it's not tt bad if u haf an umbrella, well it's awesome if u had a beer but tts optional lol. The storm will be over sooner or later, and when it happens, what is left wld be a better tml, and a stronger u. Bleh duno if it's making sense, I'll prolly review and edit it Tml. Tts it for now I guess.


Today's pretty normal, nth bad happened so I guess I can call it a good day.?

lol

out of boredom, i extracted a part of my history to remind myself of my thoughts then. here goes:


"I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to."




annnnnddd yUP! i became the one who broke the promise lOL! after...5 mths? heh. yup. i semi expected tt. but well at least i lasted for 5 mths so lol. Tho i still think of u every once in a while, i guess i can be cool bout everything tt happend. since i haf to believe tt i was rationale when i made the decision then. things changed, life moved on, and i turned out pretty differently frm wad i had expected. i tried crawling back cuz i was lonely, i guess tt was so dumb right ridiculous.


i knew how the game goes, the 1 who gave in more loses out, but i just....wanted to try, wanted to fight b4 giving up.


nonetheless, even tho right now, im in a pretty ridiculous state, i shall trust in that cy who still had a rationale brain. that cy who wasnt tormented by loneliness, that cy, who didn felt like a uselesss asshole.


heh. still.. i dont give up. i will keep working hard, and even tho things dont work out my way, i wont stop until it does. =)
even tho ive been repeating this for many times, i guess this helps to show tt i wont give up no matter how the odds seemed to be againtst me.










here goes nothing.

here comes the rain 2

lol. if ure wondering bout the "2", cuz this title came to my mind today and i was thinking if ive used it before, so i checked it out and yup! i used it on a post tt was on 5th Jan 2014. basically jus abt u noe, wanting to spend more time with my family and wanting to forget the past memories tt was triggered by the rain stuff?


not tt bad, but today the rain has another meaning to me. it reminds me tt i cldve been out there in the cold, cldve been not able to walk ard, oh yea, i went down for a walk after seeing the downpour. heh, just attracted to rain in general, and yup it wldve been perfect if it was at night, with a cold beer in hand LOL. try it sometimes, its pretty awesome.


so the cold wind reminds me tt i cldve been out there, i cldve been in a very uncomfortable state and not happily walking ard to buy food. in fact heck, the way im spending money, i shldve went bankrupted months ago. so i shld be contented with wad i haf and, strive to achieve more, instead of whining abt wad i cldnt haf. yes its true tt life hasnt been very fair to me, but well i havent been fair to other ppl ard me anw so ill call it quits.


the me now is rly smth not worth mentioning, i hate it when i bcome a liability instead of an asset. to top it off, my brain's constantly getting distracted and i cant help it. a good way to solve this is to get outta the house and study but, apparently i wld need money for tt, and tt is smth i dont rly haf LOL


so what now? nth. continue my life. day by day, and hope for the better, i cannot give up. there are too many ppl i had to impress. well even if i dont, at least i wanna live normally, like any other average ppl out there. okay. yea

Oh, hi November.

so it's alrdy November since ytd. Lol. So September was pretty bad, October was spent drowning myself in self pity and stuff, but heck, I Didn think I've been rly happy for a long long time. It's almost like I'm always trapped in the endless loop of unhappiness. but yea, even if im not happy, i can still live, and as long as i live, i will be happy someday.


tracing back, ive pretty much wasted the WHOLE of my october drinking and wasting time away, and being emotional for wadever shit. perhaps tts the autumn's sorrow? haha like a person will always want to have a companion in this season. heh. but wells. ive alrdy did all tt was within my capabilities, ive alrdy greived more than i shld. and i hafta put my focus on the right stuff now. tt one month wasted, i.. hope it wont affect me too much. after all, in tt month, i did a hell lot of reflection too.


time to get my priorities right. time to get back into the game. and well, life sucked but the fight aint over yet. its only challenging when all the odds are against me. =) heh. if its any easier, it wldve been all too easy.

hi hello.

jus came home from a little bit of drinking with slightly less expenditure on drinks. it was pretty nice to haf frens to hang out with, even tho its not alot of them, and family who wld come and haf dinner tgt for catching up sessions. it seems nth much but perhaps i shld be glad abt it since its really not a given.
its pretty common to haf frens who's saying "oh sorry i cant make it today, oh sorry ive got smth on tonight" etc. it sure is frustrating but... we haf to accept them as they are? cuz.. if they didn wanna hang out with u, it means tt u're just less worthy than anything else tt they were spending their time on. heh. true? yup, solution to that? make sure tt u are worth their time. prolly by making urself more useful to them, or... somehow make ur self look beneficial to them in due course haha.
perhaps its making friendship sound so disgustingly superficial but... tts nature, even tho u've been frens for like 10+ years, if ure deemed as not entertaining enuf, not useful in future, u will still get disqualified to haf their time. haha nope, it works for all frenships, if u totally disagree now, wait for a few years later, and u will uds what i meant.


nonetheless, i still had a few frens left spending time wasting time tgt, which is pretty... ok? given tt my status now looks so fked up. of cuz i uds tt someday they might get rid of me too if i continue to rot like im doing now, heh, i will make sure im worthy b4 tt happens, or, i will make sure it will happen someday and they will get back to me. im cool with tt, after all...i guess im the same too.


okay nxt topic, u've been coming out frm my mouth and in my mind so much more these days, perhaps its due to the fact tt im going through the phase of regret. it is..ok. part and parcel of life but... yea i regretted not keeping u. and i shldnt haf thought so much abt what other ppl will think of us. but well.... since it alrdy happened.... someone else will be able to get me, the me who wld really devote myself to the person who rly cared for me and will not do anything half heartedly. its rly a pity tt it wont be u tho, cuz... u're the one who changed me. nonethelesss, if u will attain a greater happiness, as ive alr said so many times, go ahead girl. i... shld be fine without u.


the only easy day is yesterday, every tomorrow is gonna be challenging but, i'll live. i'll live. i dont give up. i will work harder, day. by. day.