Lol was jus going home after work and u noe, being fked by the crowded bus. And wif a weary body, beat-up look. In tt bus tt I wanna take, I saw a familiar face. Oh tt pretty face. Well I ain't ready yet, not ready to converse wif u yet.
Heh. Ain't tt life.? When.. U rly wanted to see someone, u don't see her even if u tried so hard to go outta ur way and go the longer route in order to see tt person, u don't get to. When, u hoped tt u won't Hafta see tt person, she will jus appear at the most random places, at the most awkward moments. Lol.
Well putting tt aside, pretty upset tt I wasn't able to help, well, I Hafta be stone hearted after all. Tho u guys haven't been...real nice... U guys ain't tt bad either. so. I will resist. Resist it till I can throw in my apron, or smth like tt. Hahha. Looking forward but, I'm pretty certain tt... I'm gonna be so disappointed on nxt thur. Tt sad day. Even tho I promised myself last year tt I wld be happy this year. I didn fufill it. And apparently... The past year has been.. Pretty much sad and mre boring than the previous one. Let's jus pray tt the turning point is near, things will be looking up pretty soon.?
Even tho I won't break just yet, wldnt hurt to jus let me smile happily for once.?
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Lies.
Ok. so I had to lie again. I finally decided tt it was time for me to go for real. Disregarding the fact tt they wld be so shorthanded and stuff, im not gonna walk in their shoes, think frm their perspective this time. If I don't start doing things for myself, who would. So yea, I had to harden my heart and I had to rip u ppl out.
Lie, I lied. So tt u ppl can let me go peacefully, well since i don't think u ppl wld be able to understand how I feel, I haf to do it this way. Yea I quit my job jus becoz I wanna to but I lied tt I've alr gotten a permanent job offer, so tt they wld let me go without pulling my hind leg.
It's rly sticky, this job tt is, i wld always unconsciously go the extra mile to do my job wel, tho other ppl may not think so, one day they will, or if they aren't the kind who will try to look at things frm other ppl's view.. Well too bad. Few days left.. Can't wait to jus get the hell outta this shit.
Felt sour, sad tt I'm unable to help & Unable to share but well, I noe wad went wrong, I uds how u feel. Listen to those who failed and not those who passed, as they won't noe the exact reason as to how they did it; and the failures rly do reflect upon their past actions. Lol wad was I saying.
As a human we only haf a brain and 2 hands. And one freaking body tt has q limited Amt of physical capabilities. Not to mention only 24hrs per day. There is only so much u can do, filling up ur whole schedule may make u feel tt "oh my fking life is so fufilling" but well, sometimes things jus don't work out the way u planned for. My calculations were pretty much spot on, I missed by a little bit, but tt little bit actually made a huge difference in my life. Tt... Miserable 2 points..cost me 1year of my life, and a huge part of my social group.
Haaha. So wads the main point.. Oh sometimes even wif precise calculations, there will be one or 2 unexpected events tt wld tweak ur calculations slightly off ur expectations and tt may haf a huge ass impact in ur life.
thus, do wad u can, and not ALL tt u wanna do. Cuz at the end of the day, ppl will jus "wow.awesome. Ok" when u survived all tt shit but if u failed to do so, they wld gif u tt freaking look and say "see, I told u. U shldve done this done tt blabla bla" all those fkin ppl.
Ure stronger than other ppl, jus tt the things u took up.. Was alittle bit too much for urself, and there's tt fking negative externality tt affected ur performance. Discard some of those stuff tt gif u "satisfaction" and focus on those necessities instead k. :(
Ure smart, ure strong, a superior human, but perhaps ur emotions got the better of u.
Well. Tt goes for u too cy.
Omg I'm so looking forward to nxt week. I wanna start doing things for myself., instead of helping others and not getting any returns.
Lie, I lied. So tt u ppl can let me go peacefully, well since i don't think u ppl wld be able to understand how I feel, I haf to do it this way. Yea I quit my job jus becoz I wanna to but I lied tt I've alr gotten a permanent job offer, so tt they wld let me go without pulling my hind leg.
It's rly sticky, this job tt is, i wld always unconsciously go the extra mile to do my job wel, tho other ppl may not think so, one day they will, or if they aren't the kind who will try to look at things frm other ppl's view.. Well too bad. Few days left.. Can't wait to jus get the hell outta this shit.
Felt sour, sad tt I'm unable to help & Unable to share but well, I noe wad went wrong, I uds how u feel. Listen to those who failed and not those who passed, as they won't noe the exact reason as to how they did it; and the failures rly do reflect upon their past actions. Lol wad was I saying.
As a human we only haf a brain and 2 hands. And one freaking body tt has q limited Amt of physical capabilities. Not to mention only 24hrs per day. There is only so much u can do, filling up ur whole schedule may make u feel tt "oh my fking life is so fufilling" but well, sometimes things jus don't work out the way u planned for. My calculations were pretty much spot on, I missed by a little bit, but tt little bit actually made a huge difference in my life. Tt... Miserable 2 points..cost me 1year of my life, and a huge part of my social group.
Haaha. So wads the main point.. Oh sometimes even wif precise calculations, there will be one or 2 unexpected events tt wld tweak ur calculations slightly off ur expectations and tt may haf a huge ass impact in ur life.
thus, do wad u can, and not ALL tt u wanna do. Cuz at the end of the day, ppl will jus "wow.awesome. Ok" when u survived all tt shit but if u failed to do so, they wld gif u tt freaking look and say "see, I told u. U shldve done this done tt blabla bla" all those fkin ppl.
Ure stronger than other ppl, jus tt the things u took up.. Was alittle bit too much for urself, and there's tt fking negative externality tt affected ur performance. Discard some of those stuff tt gif u "satisfaction" and focus on those necessities instead k. :(
Ure smart, ure strong, a superior human, but perhaps ur emotions got the better of u.
Well. Tt goes for u too cy.
Omg I'm so looking forward to nxt week. I wanna start doing things for myself., instead of helping others and not getting any returns.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
You cannot advance.
can't sleep. For fks sake and I've gotta wake up early tomorrow. Re-read those old posts and it reminded me of those happy times. Well.. It made my heart flutter again.:)) It has been so ambiguous. If I've attacked at the right timing, wld things had been different.? If I cld see this future, wld I have been able to act differently.? I've hated rejections and failures. I've hated putting in effort becoz I wld feel very demoralized when things I worked for didn turn out the way I hoped for. I've been optimistic, ive always told myself tt "if I've tried harder, I wldve succeeded" but frankly speaking, looking back at my records. It's full of failures and I'm like utterly ashamed of myself.
Perhaps the me tt I tot I am didn exist at all and I'm jus a fking loser in every other ppl's eyes. Tt sucked. I rly rly hoped tt I cldve been back into ur life. But I think I've alrdy lost the right to be. I rly wanted to take the step forward, but I noe, there is this wall tt u built wif solid bricks tt alrdy stood between u and I. Tt sucked too.
Staring at ppl who looked like u always warmed my heart, well I cannot cfm if tt is u but... Regardless, I felt tt it's jus someone.. Who resembles u. How long has it been, I can't rmb. It... Felt like it's been a very long while while...at the same time recent. Perhaps I shldve been braver, perhaps I shldn be tt passive, and irrationale at the end. Well. I miss u. Like rly. I'm screaming to tt wall every now and then, hoping tt u wld hear it.. But I'm pretty certain tt all I see wldve just been those bricks by boring bricks.
Ah.
ill forget abt u again tml, I'll live life like normal, I'll continue striving for my own goals. But today, I'll jus.. Well. Feel moody and stuff. Hah.
Hah.
Cy. U fking joke.
Perhaps the me tt I tot I am didn exist at all and I'm jus a fking loser in every other ppl's eyes. Tt sucked. I rly rly hoped tt I cldve been back into ur life. But I think I've alrdy lost the right to be. I rly wanted to take the step forward, but I noe, there is this wall tt u built wif solid bricks tt alrdy stood between u and I. Tt sucked too.
Staring at ppl who looked like u always warmed my heart, well I cannot cfm if tt is u but... Regardless, I felt tt it's jus someone.. Who resembles u. How long has it been, I can't rmb. It... Felt like it's been a very long while while...at the same time recent. Perhaps I shldve been braver, perhaps I shldn be tt passive, and irrationale at the end. Well. I miss u. Like rly. I'm screaming to tt wall every now and then, hoping tt u wld hear it.. But I'm pretty certain tt all I see wldve just been those bricks by boring bricks.
Ah.
ill forget abt u again tml, I'll live life like normal, I'll continue striving for my own goals. But today, I'll jus.. Well. Feel moody and stuff. Hah.
Hah.
Cy. U fking joke.
It's just me.
Yea. It's just me who jus can't seem to let go. The feelings always come back and then I will feel like doing smth stupid, only to be stopped by my sanity and logical brain. Tho my brain has a history of making loads of irrationale choices, it seems to be working pretty ok these days. I think.
I wasn't able to achieve anything yet, thus my pride doesn't allow me to u noe, meet up wif old frens and then letting them gif me tt bloody look tt says "wad a poor lowly human" yea. Tt is why. I won't meet u ppl until I'm able to look u ppl straight in the eyes. It felt pretty bad for someone like me to be so short of confidence at the moment but... Someday. I believe I will pick myself up. And when it happens, I'll be sure to get back all of my frens. And mayb.. Getting u back. As a friend.
It's always better to haf more friends right.? Somebody will definitely come in handy on some occasions. Heh. So... Here's to a better life. A future tts worthy of looking forward to. Strive for it cy.
If I see you on the streets one day, shld I say hi to u with a smile and pass u by? Wld u be hoping tt it will never happen.?
I wasn't able to achieve anything yet, thus my pride doesn't allow me to u noe, meet up wif old frens and then letting them gif me tt bloody look tt says "wad a poor lowly human" yea. Tt is why. I won't meet u ppl until I'm able to look u ppl straight in the eyes. It felt pretty bad for someone like me to be so short of confidence at the moment but... Someday. I believe I will pick myself up. And when it happens, I'll be sure to get back all of my frens. And mayb.. Getting u back. As a friend.
It's always better to haf more friends right.? Somebody will definitely come in handy on some occasions. Heh. So... Here's to a better life. A future tts worthy of looking forward to. Strive for it cy.
If I see you on the streets one day, shld I say hi to u with a smile and pass u by? Wld u be hoping tt it will never happen.?
Thursday, August 14, 2014
well.
well...fk. results are out and i didn get the results i wanted even though i did some last minute praying. my bro and my dad said its fine, but.. i...didn win. thus i aint able to be tt happy about it. makes me wonder if i shldve concentrated on my studies instead of u noe, working my ass off.
1 year worth of debt, a class of honours in my degree...who is able to judge which one of it is more worth it.
imma jus gon let this rest and..live life again tml. arhgf.
1 year worth of debt, a class of honours in my degree...who is able to judge which one of it is more worth it.
imma jus gon let this rest and..live life again tml. arhgf.
Monday, August 11, 2014
escape.
watching running man is rly...helpful. duno if ive alrdy mentioned it b4, regardless of it being exam period, bored period, shitty times. watching it helps me forget abt the shits tt happened, tts abt to happen, and shits tts happening in progress. hahaha.
tt empty feeling, i havent felt it in q a while, cuz previously i had this mind set on doing smth and tt was my goal frm the moment i opened my eyes till the moment i lay down on my bed again.
and then suddenly this thought popped up, wad is waiting for me at the end. given my record, even if i do sacrifice my time, my life, my effort, things dont always turn out the way i wanted, in fact, it always turned out as the worst case scenerio.
tt really sucked big time. even if i do make it, who's gonna be there cheering for me, and if i dont, wld there be anything to pick me up and tell me "its ok, try harder and u will make it" well well. even tho ive lived through so many of these occasions whereby im jus fighting for myself, i still cant get used to it...without anyone to rly share my happiness and sorrow wif.
its just temporary. im just... u noe, ranting out somewhere cuz... i noe ppl wont like hearing other ppl ranting ranting and whining. they like to hear funny stuff, things tt make them feel better abt themselves, if nt they wont even listen. perhaps i am the same, but at least i will try to listen. so... pls listen to me too :|
oh well tt said, i dont quite like giving up without fighting, im stilll gonna go back and study. and even though i dont quite looking forward to my tomorrow, ill... get through it.. and i willl haf a day tt i can look forward to.. someday.
make it happen cy.
tt empty feeling, i havent felt it in q a while, cuz previously i had this mind set on doing smth and tt was my goal frm the moment i opened my eyes till the moment i lay down on my bed again.
and then suddenly this thought popped up, wad is waiting for me at the end. given my record, even if i do sacrifice my time, my life, my effort, things dont always turn out the way i wanted, in fact, it always turned out as the worst case scenerio.
tt really sucked big time. even if i do make it, who's gonna be there cheering for me, and if i dont, wld there be anything to pick me up and tell me "its ok, try harder and u will make it" well well. even tho ive lived through so many of these occasions whereby im jus fighting for myself, i still cant get used to it...without anyone to rly share my happiness and sorrow wif.
its just temporary. im just... u noe, ranting out somewhere cuz... i noe ppl wont like hearing other ppl ranting ranting and whining. they like to hear funny stuff, things tt make them feel better abt themselves, if nt they wont even listen. perhaps i am the same, but at least i will try to listen. so... pls listen to me too :|
oh well tt said, i dont quite like giving up without fighting, im stilll gonna go back and study. and even though i dont quite looking forward to my tomorrow, ill... get through it.. and i willl haf a day tt i can look forward to.. someday.
make it happen cy.
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Just one of those days.
Oh it's more abt ytd, like, it's national day and stuff and majority of the people were like having fun, watchin fireworks and shit. While my day started wif working wif someone who thinks tt she's pretty damn good and then going home being tired as shit while at the same time not being able to fall aslp.
So after much struggle, I got a short nap and went for a late dinner with my parents. I felt... Pretty bad, in a sense tt why am I home and not with my frens. Den I started thinking, how will my parents feel if even I'm not home.
Nonetheless, after looking through all those social media updates abt all those ppl having fun outside while me staring blankly at my opened textbook( obviously not learning anything new) I start feeling rly sour. Somehow.... After talking some crap with my fren, I felt slightly better but tt is nt enough for me to... U noe, remove the urge for some beer. Had some beer and slept. It felt.. Pretty bad cuz the nxt day I woke up at 6+ for god knows what reason.
Then I start my snail-like process of studying.
Oh, not to mention my bro's gf came over to my house again during my afternoon "nap" and yea I was awakened by the conversation going on outside. Pretty much my mum bitching bout shits. Namely, my family stuffs, to my bro's gf. Like wtf. As I said to my bro in exact words, bitching is one thing, telling half truths are unacceptable. For most people wld haf this bad impression on this person(due to previous statements made by those fking bitches) and it becomes a self fufilling prophecy whereby u will convince urself tt "yea he/she was right" whereby u merely caught minor hints tt might seem to fit tt impression tt u alrdy haf and... Just... U noe, haf a very bad impression of tt person. If u get wad I meant.
It's bad if ure bring down ur "frenS", colleagues, anyone in ur social group, it's rly intolerable if ure doing it to ur family.
So tt kinda pissed me off and I gave my mum a little punishment to remind her of her lines, don't think it helped but. I had to get it off my chest. Cuz who noes? Tt person saying bad stuff about other ppl will one day start saying stuff abt u behind ur back too. And it's exceptionally hurting if it's someone u trusted so much, someone u call.. Ur family.
So yea. The 2nd half of this entry is to remind ppl tt.. Mayb u don't rly mean it, or mayb u do mean it, it's a rly horrible thing to do, to mislead other ppl into assuming tt the other person is smth, tt he isn't. Potraying tt victim as a Villian doesn't make u a hero, ure jus low.
So after much struggle, I got a short nap and went for a late dinner with my parents. I felt... Pretty bad, in a sense tt why am I home and not with my frens. Den I started thinking, how will my parents feel if even I'm not home.
Nonetheless, after looking through all those social media updates abt all those ppl having fun outside while me staring blankly at my opened textbook( obviously not learning anything new) I start feeling rly sour. Somehow.... After talking some crap with my fren, I felt slightly better but tt is nt enough for me to... U noe, remove the urge for some beer. Had some beer and slept. It felt.. Pretty bad cuz the nxt day I woke up at 6+ for god knows what reason.
Then I start my snail-like process of studying.
Oh, not to mention my bro's gf came over to my house again during my afternoon "nap" and yea I was awakened by the conversation going on outside. Pretty much my mum bitching bout shits. Namely, my family stuffs, to my bro's gf. Like wtf. As I said to my bro in exact words, bitching is one thing, telling half truths are unacceptable. For most people wld haf this bad impression on this person(due to previous statements made by those fking bitches) and it becomes a self fufilling prophecy whereby u will convince urself tt "yea he/she was right" whereby u merely caught minor hints tt might seem to fit tt impression tt u alrdy haf and... Just... U noe, haf a very bad impression of tt person. If u get wad I meant.
It's bad if ure bring down ur "frenS", colleagues, anyone in ur social group, it's rly intolerable if ure doing it to ur family.
So tt kinda pissed me off and I gave my mum a little punishment to remind her of her lines, don't think it helped but. I had to get it off my chest. Cuz who noes? Tt person saying bad stuff about other ppl will one day start saying stuff abt u behind ur back too. And it's exceptionally hurting if it's someone u trusted so much, someone u call.. Ur family.
So yea. The 2nd half of this entry is to remind ppl tt.. Mayb u don't rly mean it, or mayb u do mean it, it's a rly horrible thing to do, to mislead other ppl into assuming tt the other person is smth, tt he isn't. Potraying tt victim as a Villian doesn't make u a hero, ure jus low.
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