The cause.

Errm so I was trying to guess the situation over at the other side. Even tho the scenerio tt I assumed might jus be the truth if I tried to piece the current situation together.
If tts the case, I'm sry but it's not gonna turn out the way u wanted, u ppl wanted.

my intentions have nv changed. Ever. Whatever actions I took frm then on was based on this main objective tt has been, subconsciously rooted into my brain.

You.

Every step tt I took, every move tt Ive made. everything were for ur sake, actually mine , cuz I selfishly wanted to get closer to u despite all of those in the way. It sounds pretty stupid but I rly wanted u to be happy, wif me. Perhaps it's nt possible but I'm alrdy programmed to keep moving in this manner. I'll try my best not to cause any trouble.?but jus somehow wish for all these to end erm prettily.? Yea, as long as it doesn't turn out bad it's fine. Hahah.

So at the end of the day, I'm sorry but I'm still into u. I sincerely apologize for tt. :|


K. Haha jus some totally random things tt I tot it's worth remembering when I tot of during my stoning times. So I decided to jot it down.
Alright nxt nxt nxt.!!

Argh new yr is jus round the corner. And I haven't decided on what to do on New Year's Eve. Frens weren't rly helpful in terms of contribution of ideas so. Well I hope I can come up wif smth tml.

Finally cleared some shits frm my room and even tho it's a small clearing, I feel kinda gd. Heh. Den I realized tt I'm actually kinda heartless towards inanimate objects, Ppl wld be like 'ah I shld keep this thing cuz mayb....'and yea I'll jus throw it away regardless of whether it's a pillow tt i seldom use, a bag tts in gd condition ( slightly dirty) or random boxes tt cld store items in, THROW. ALL THROW.
And it felt pretty good. Teh heh, I'm looking at all the soft toys in my room now:). They're nxt. Jahaha

Ur most reliable aide can become ur worst enemy.

friend of the monster.

managed to drag my lazy ass outta hse and met up wif bc and all.. nt rly looking forward  but well, since he's staying in US most of e time.... okay. lets go lol. had a pretty unexpectedly nice phad thai or wadever u call it, andd managed to chat bout some stuffs going on so i guess tts pretty nice.
had a minor bad experience wif a staff at coffeebean but i suppose i can jus let it slip cuz its rly minor and well it jus gets me thinking. abt this cost cutting measure done by our govt which includes hiring an army of low cost foreign worker to take care of those jobs tt requires low skill level or low education level. in a sense... frm a macroeconomical point of view.. it seems pretty logical and efficient and.......
( ok i removed the boring dry econs argument. i shall talk in my own selfish opinion) yes they can handle most of the basic needs of a consumer but there are many 'unrehearsed scenerios' tt cld happen in everyday's customer service. and results showed tt they werent able to handle and they didn even bothered tryin to handle these situations. they simply go into blank and stare straight into the customers' face and simply wait for the angry person to stomp away in disgust.

ahh. this sux. service was no longer wad it used to be. this is a really arguable policy in which both sides are not wrong. so they chose to use these low cost army, and us citizens jus had to tolerate all these nonsense unless we are wiilling to accept LOWER wage than them, or else, we haf no say.

k tts enuf of the adult stuff. if it even sounds mature enuf. lol sry but ive removed most of the argument thus it sounds pretty much like a pure childish selfish ranting. well take it as tt den. its a blog after all.

oh ya i met BC and frens.. rejected their offer to go to the US wif em during the may hols... erms. its srsly v costly and im nt rly a fan of u noe, going overseas to sightsee. unless its wif a rly impt person..then its a diff story. loL
ugh had a tough time rejecting them cuz they were so determined to go and i had to crush their US dream. bleh. sry bout tt. and they were talking abt how much my social activities had to do wif drinking.

yes.. now tt i think abt it... its pretty much true. i duno wad made me like this. i dont noe y i wld NEED some drink tt contains alcohol so frequently. why wld i want to keep asking my frens to accompany me to those type of places. why wld i want to hurt other ppl jus cuz i feel hurt. haf i became the monster tt ive always told myself not to become?
am i alrdy some1 who wldve been despised by the past me. ugh tt is why i.. want to at least try, becoming someone tt i wld be proud of soon. soon. heh.. soon...

the sad truth is hard to accept. even if its a glimmer of hope, i wld turn away frm the obvious truth and convince myself tt yes, i haf a chance
perhaps this is my retribution. for continuously hurting other ppl, now i shall suffer the continuous hurt caused by other ppl.

stop it, im alrdy hurt enuf.

im probably the monster tt ur parents warned u abt when u were younger.

Christmas.

Went to work wif a v screwed up mindset. "Dafuq am I doing here." It totally didn help when I haf to keep tt bloody place open jus for 2 fking couples to make out dere cuz it's kinda empty anw. One side of me thought, I've alrdy had enuf fun these days, I.. Shld let other ppl haf a share of fun too, but well I cld jus said fk it and u noe, no ones gonna blame me anw.

But I ended up being nice and all thus I decided to work instead. Well, It's pretty screwed up b4 e gathering, like ppl doing random things tts nt following the plan which kinda got me agitated, while at the same time I haf to endure tt screwed up feeling of having to work on this kind of festive season. I lasted thru tt fked up moments and somehow managed to keep my cool. went ahead wif e gathering And I wld say it's... Pretty normal, kinda nth much special but at least we got tgt after a long while.
Felt pretty bad after drinking, perhaps it's the after effect of drinkin so much consecutively for these few weeks.
Argh darned. I kinda forgot wad I wanted to say.. AGAIN-_-

Tt said, I rly feel like going on a journey. Haha in Singapore cuz I rly rly feel tt there are rly a lot of places tt I haven't went to , and things tt I haven't tried b4. Perhaps going to new places and doing new things wld mean opening up of new doors for this lethargic but still moving mind and body. I don't mind going alone, tho it wld be nice to have a company as well but... I guess nt many ppl will rly haf this need to, erms explore singapore and mayb cleanse their minds and soul.? Lol I Duno if I'm making sense but, yea Tryta make sense out of it.

Hope tt I will be able to attain a higher level of enlightenment soon.

Oh yea i forgot abt this whole Christmas thingy lOl.
so yea. ive always felt smth abt christmas, nt so much of a like religious thingy but i feel tt its a day like u noe, receiving presents and gathering and eating random nice "christmas" food tgt. well but these few years i felt tt it became some sorta obligation to go meet ppl and haf gift exchanges. to the point whereby the gifts were...way below wad i want, and the exchange of 'merry christmas' wif ppl makes me feel pretty fake. cuz for one i totally dont see how saying merry christmas to me makes me feel happier, thus i suppose it shld b the same if it came out frm my mouth. YEA thus i often reject ppl when it comes to xmas gatherings and i wld say things like 'might as well scrape this whole gift xchange thiingy'
and so this year.. i got wad i wanted. no social obligations for christmas gatherings. no gift xchanges. (eh wait i did meet my frens and all pls. i didn jus lamely lie on my bed and cry lol.)and guess wad. it felt pretty horrible as well. perhaps tts still not wad i wanted. lol so... wads over is over i guess, i shld probably jus move ahead and.. find out wad i want for nxt xmas. it will be a long journey but i think.. it willl come to me sooner than i thought.

So! note to self. please do make sure u enjoy ur xmas nxt year alright?! ill be watching and ill be waiting for ur nxt christmas entry!

well tt sums up to all i wanted to say. goodbye for now.=)


I probably shld stop chasing after this bubble dream, no matter how hard I chase, it will only end with it bursting and disappearing into thin air. with me being all alone and lost all over again.

Who.

Deleted the previous entry wif the same title. Hm. I guess I rly don't uds myself sometimes, I wld often say smth and den regret it a moment after.

I guess I shldn always write things here tt makes me sound so depressed.
Life's nt rly tt fun and happy for me but it's... Not depressing for me yet for I've lived thru harder times.

wad i wanted to say was tt I've had those recurring dreams abt u again and each time I wake up wif a heavy heart tt told me tt 'no it wasnt true and in reality, ure fked up' ahh tt feeling sux.

ok i haf a few stuffs to write down but i wldn wan to be naggy and all therefore i wil jus write em down in short paragraphs or rather point forms if possible hahaha.

- Went drinking on fri and i got knocked OUT AGAIN. wth. i rly rly sucked. i...always turn to drinking whenever i haf things tts bothering me but apparently... its nt rly helping, tsk. wad next. i dont noe.

- i kept telling myself tt i dont sincerely truly like this person tt much to the point whereby i get so depressed.? does it make sense? k nvm but more like things add up perhaps, of cuz its nt nice to like a person and u cant get her to like u back but, im me. LOL im nt tt kind of person, perhaps im jus unhappy abt not being able to win, after all, it always seem like a game to me, if i dont win it, i get rly upset. wads worse, if some1 i deem as inferior beat me to it, i will be even more unhappy.

so im trying to convince myself tt tt is the reason y i feel tt way. yea, not bcuz i like u so much or wadever ok. not.

- i watched in a commercial, they said tt we shld give happiness to other ppl this season. but well, if some1 did make me feel slightly happy, i.. dont mind sharing. but perhaps now when my whole life feel so messy, i dont think i shld make other ppl happier. heh, im sore, so wad.

mayb tts enuf for now.
i will try to think more frm ur point of view, while at the same time not forgeting my own welfare. i..will do fine, most probably. no more regrets cy. no. regrets.

Protection

Finally managed to take out my books to study. Omg. tho it's nt a lot but still it's a step forward towards the success.? Lol nt rly success but yea studying is gd.

Shld be gg for exercise later as well since I've been rly rly slacking too too much. It's... Supposed to b my fren's holidays, but apparently they are needed by other stuffs as well, like ICT, or their FYPs and work.? lol. 

It feels kinda yucky to spend Xmas and new yr wif em but I... Rly don't fancy spending it at home. Tho... I can feel tt my parents are somewhat lonely but. Tsk. Argh see hw la hor. 

And yea I've been brainstorming for q a while but I can't rly think of anything nice to do.

alright up nxt,
first i shall apologize for sounding like some emo fker for so long, well i actually kinda exagerated the feelings when im writing, i guess. lol its ALL not tt bad ok??! SO, lets continue updating without being sounding like a freaking emo alright. haha lets go~

so wher was i. yea so i felt kinda bad tt my mum is actually missing my bro who's out of town for work atm, and im... mostly outside or sleeping. LOL so perhaps out of guilt or wadever feelings, i felt tt i rly need to spend some time wif my mum and yea. tho its definitely gonna be damn awkward if any1 sees me wif my mum. why? i aint sure as well but.. yea tts jus hw i felt.

Thus i decided to go take a walk at those new shopping malls at jurong east. kinda funny if its kinda near but i didn make a trip there. uhh so its pretty much a shopping mall. LOL. well at least theres h&m and topmen which is kinda attractive enuf for me to go back.

very very coincidentally, the first thing i saw was you ( yea wif another guy), while im wif my mother -__- wad are the odds of tt happening. it jus seemed damn bloody pathetic.=| but no no, im not living tt sad life wherby i only haf my mum to go out wif.

fine, i actually had a pretty complicated feeling which i havent felt for erm, 2 yrs or so? like im.. supposed to be either livid, or perhaps "oh im happy for u cuz u are doing fine" kind of feeling. but...i..felt...fked up at first but after a while i felt tt its rly damn funny( for some unknown reason, perhaps i was just thinking abt how unlucky i am) and after awhile i felt angry again. heh. poor me. but oh wells. so all in all, i jus felt... pretty normal, aint as bad as i tot it wld be but, i certainly dont feel happy at all.
ok wait i wanted to sound happy. oh so those memories tt came back werent as painful as b4, i can rly look back and yea. not feel dejected like b4. yay.!


SO, do i sound happy enuf? i hope so.

oh anw wad i actually wanted to say since the beginning was, i've always wanted to protect u frm all the shit tt  was going on tt might haf hurt u or make u unhappy, but.. i guess i wasnt able to so.. perhaps the one thing tt i will try my best to protect u frm... is me. :)

bye for now.

The story

A love story is only beautiful when 2 ppl loved each other and end up tgt. If it's not tt way, it jus ends as a joke, a stalker's story tts creepy, an insignificant 3rd party story, or a tragedy.

So no matter how much one person works, suffers, endures and gave, if the story didn end tt way, nth else matters. U jus end as a joke, a creep, a fking loser. Lol therefore, yea it's a reminder to self I suppose. Ive always trusted my feelings, if it doesn't work tt way, it won't happen tt way no matter wad I do. But BUT my body doesn't listen to me. I guess nowadays the link between my body and brain is kinda weakened alrdy, I can't control myself as much as b4.-__- nonetheless, jus a random thought cuz I tot I shld write smth whenever I haf smth in mind if not it's jus gonna end as a post wif words and no feelings like the previous few  b4. Heh. So... Tts abt it for now
I shld jus sleep and conserve energy and money lol

Hope u live well. Hope I will live well too.

Because if I'm able to open tt door, I will be able to see things tt I haven't alrdy seen, a whole new world.

Update.

Jus some updates.
Hmm so firstly, I Duno wad happened to my brain. I hope it's temporary. Tt I'm thinking so much abt smth. While I kept telling myself not to, but sometimes my body just moved on its own and I rly hate it so much. And I even... Omg wth is wrong wif me srsly. And I said I've moved on but I'm jus moving in circles.

So I did, something very off tt day. I kinda regretted it but I... Sincerely can't jus live on while swallowing it in cuz I'm srsly hurt for some reason. But no, in fact I think I'm srsly jus angry wif myself. It's not rly ur fault, I'm jus tt piece of shit tt is not supposed to haf anything. I'm jus not gd enuf tts all. Well I kept telling myself tt it doesn't matter tho I felt otherwise but as I've always said. It doesn't kill me so I can live.

Argh so ok nxt, Went out wif my frens and had lots of gd laughs. Esp when it's been such a long while, it's pretty nice to see tt we are still enjoying each other's company. Even tho I don't noe how long tt can last heh.:|

I need to switch back to the dark side.. I need to.. I wonder y I started changing back again. But no. Come back to the dark side. We need u here. Don't hurt urself anymore, instead... make em pay.

truth.

Frustrated. Firstly, I don't q uds wtf the notes were talking abt. 2ndly, y... Do I still feel for.... I've alr said I won't bother but... I can't lie to myself can I. 3rd... Y.. Can't I resist the urge to.. drink. It comes back to me every few days omg. The rehab shall start soon. Heh.

Jus a random thought tho. I suddenly realized tt I haven't had nice food in a long while. I wonder if it's bcoz I was rly rly saving up or is it bcoz of the fact tt I'm nt eating wif someone who makes me sastisfied wif the whole dining experience. If u get my point. Haha. Of cuz when it comes to food, u popped up into my mind, tt stupid argument on how much u enjoy eating gd food n how much I disagree tt we shld spend a lot of money for food. Tsk aishhh. I still don't think tt I'm wrong, haha it's true tt we shld rly go get gd food once in a while and of cuz I'm not willing to pay a lot of money for it. LOl. Just tt... Nw I sincerely think tt the person ure eating wif... Matters too damn much.
After so many times, I was lucky tt I'm able to keep finding substitutes up till recently.now it feels rly bad. BUT I'm cy. It's ok. I won't die frm tt means it's ok.

Argh. The flu came back again. Hope it doesn't evolve into anything else this time. -_-

Random thoughts

So the dreams returned. :| those deceitful dreams tt made me happy and den wake up in utter disappointment. Lol wth is wrong wif my brain.
So I cldnt sleep the night b4 due to Wadever reasons and realized my computer is nt very...pleasant to spend time wif. Like the lagging and yea the games aren't functioning for some reason. Had the urge to buy a new comp BUT no. I don't haf the spare cash and I dont NEED a new comp I guess. Well tts.... Gd in a way so tt it wldn be smth to pull me away frm my social life, which is alrdy pathetic enuf.
Gah.. Needa... Drink again.. Resist... Ahh omg. So I think I'm rly addicted or smth. Shit. But I gues I managed to.. Ugh. Resist the urge again. Sigh.. It's 2am nw.. And I can't rly slp again. Tsk.

not functioning

apparently my brain's nt rly functioning well these days. nt to mention abt how i cant seem to uds my academic shits, things tt doesnt rly matter kept echoing in my head.
Namely you, you and you.tch.

The urge to drink is no joke. Much as I want to, I rly needa resist it. The after effects aren't rly tt nice to tolerate and it's.. Quite a waste of money if I kept drinking. So luckily, I managed to endure thru it today.! Ha. Hope I cld resist it again tml. And the day after.

So it seems tt I accidentally volunteered to be the organizer for the outings fr my clique. Which is nt v nice but. I feel tt if I don't say anything, nth is gonna happen and after all... I'm very very bored and yeah. Lonely. For now. But at least the nxt outing is alrdy set and most of them are cool wif spending the impt dates tgt. And here comes the nxt qn, shld I work on Christmas. Hmmm.

And work.. When shld I go.. I don't think I've got enuf money yet. And I don't dare to look at it. Omg. It sucks. Money money money. Selling pride for money. :|

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. I'm fine. As always. 

Ogenkidesu Ka.

Kimi wa doko desu Ka.?
Oh genki desu Ka.?
Watashi tachi no ureshii toki wa oboimasu Ka.?

Watashi wa wasurerunakatta.

Ahh. Been a long while since I studied so.. I guess my gears are kinda not functioning properly. Can't concentrate for extended periods of time. Tsk. Well well I guess I jus needa get used to tt kind of lifestyle again.. Slowly. 

Been in the embrace of my frens( ehh not the literal meaning ah.) for slightly too long. Now tt they happened to be busy made me feel kinda. Bored. And of cuz wif the detachment frm other individuals made it slightly worse off. BUT BUT but nt rly regreting cuz I most likely removed some annoyance frm my life or prevented myself frm getting annoyed. Lol better to slice it off b4 the situation gets stickier. So my 'suffering'.? I wonder if it's rly considered suffering but jus um. This boredom tt I'm experiencing now,  is jus a small price to pay for removing a possibilty of greater annoyance in future. If u get wad I meant.

Jus to sum up, I'm feeling extremely bored. And it's most likely caused by myself but I don't rly regret my actions.

Tch. I promised myself not to anymore, but wells.Curiosity kills the cy. Teh. Nth special  tho. Ha...ha.  Ugh. Thinking of food. But still needa watch my diet and all. Screw this shit lol. Y do I Hafta be so conscious abt my weight and all. K no, more like my shape and all. Zzzzz 

Grr. Grr. Ah........ Tts it for now. 

Choices.

There's this point of life whereby u tot uve got like so many frens and u feel tt u don't haf enuf time to entertain all of em. Den u start to ignore some of those whereby u think they won't b useful to u in future, or those less physically attractive ones, those less interesting ones. And den after filtering them out, u feel tt ur life is pretty perfect. Den comes the time whereby ur remaining frens jus so happen to b bz and u needed someone to talk to or hang out wif, u started thinking abt, "sigh, shld I talk to this person.? Hmm better not since tt person is not in the 'chosen' list" and den u look thru ur contact list and start striking out names which u won't wanna hang out wif. Until u reach the last one on ur fonebook and u laughed. "Fk it, I'll jus slp. "

Tts. Probably why. I'm lying down here right now. Hahahaha.

Perspective.

It's the same qn I've asked b4. I probably didn expect myself to grow up to become like this, accidentally read my own blogpost frm when I was 16.? Like again.-_- haha good to do some reflection every now and den isn't it. Heh. That angry kid is still pretty much not happy wif his life even after so many years. Izzit bcoz of my perspective of life or did my life rly sucked so much. I don't noe. But well I don't think anyone wld be able to give the right answer.
Age has caught up to me. I find myself trying to preach so frequently, I wld rly wonder if they are able to comprehend my viewpoint cuz normally I wld jus think tt them ppl(ppl trying up preach) are jus bullshitting, they are not me after all, their life examples don't necessarily apply tO mine.and so I wld jus shut off my ears while at the same time exclaim "pui. Lowly humans trying to teach me smth.? Get a grip" . Ahhhh. Doesn't matter eh, just saying anw. Not like I'm trying to make a difference in ur lives or smth hahaha.so jus take it wif a pinch of salt yea? But jus so u noe, I'm a truly wise person. Hahahaha

Alright.!! Life's been... pretty much the same, the sleepiness and laziness plus them beer. Feels nice but I noe tt can't last. Get a grip cy. Get up, live life. Tts it for now.

Sometimes I jus can't get used to these loneliness. But I noe tt it is probably wad I need tt wld most likely lead me to my success.
And I sincerely hope tt I'm right on this, for I can't afford to make any more mistakes... Not even them minor ones.

Days like these

when u decided to leave smth for ur  own good, be it ppl, workplace, or Wadever, smth tt u noe u wldve been better if ure better off w/o it. The first thing to do is to cut off or at least reduce the emotional attachment to the minimal. Tt way, the hawk wldve been able to soar to greater heights and not be tied down to the things on earth.
Pondering a lot these days, wanting to stop totally but I don't think I will be able to handle all tt freee time and I don't think I can make myself live wif tt miserable amt of money. It's like once uve experienced freedom, u wldnt wanna go back to wad u were b4 u experienced it. Financially tt is. Tt feeling of having to control ur spending a cuz u don't haf excess money. The scrimping and saving omg. No. But then... These is taking up too much of my energy and time. It wldve been perfect if I'm able to get an equilibrium but.. I don't think it's possible tho. I've asked for it too many times, and I've nv ever attained it.
Times like these. Like now, this very moment, I... Jus wanted to study wif but I don't haf anyone to. Makes me miss those days which hmm... I didn took it for granted, but yea missed those days wher I haf some1 to study wif. Argh. And now..... Wad shld I do now. I feel so unmotivated. Tt passion I had died long ago and Dere's nth much I cld do. I always feel slp deprived and tt sucked cuz when I needa study or work, I feel damn drowsy. And when I can slp, I'm wide awake.
Agh wads my main point, k yea I wanna study but I don't haf anyone to study wif, I needa wake up but I kept sleeping.  I wanna quit and I'm pretty much done removing all my feelings wif anything related to tt place.

Alive.

On that day, humanity recieved a grim reminder, even the strongest will fall.

Heh. Been real sick these few days. Tts wad happens when one seldom falls sick and when it comes, I can barely tolerate all these.
So theoretically, I've alrdy recovered since... Hmm no fever, no more sore throat. So... Y am I still feeling so drowsy, weak and lack of appetite. Uhh... I pretty much want to sleep all day and jus do nth, like I usually do.?

Hmm nth much to write again. Perhaps I'm jus outta the mood these days. So.. Tts it for now. A new week so.. I needa buck up

different.

it jus feels tt different between holding on to smth and being held onto. when ure given the chance to make a choice, the power to decide. tt felt much better, then again, sometime later, im bound to regret my decisions anw.

haha. so met up wif my frens to haf dinner, hmm been a long while since we met and its nice to talk for a bit, joke ard, laugh ard. i tried my best to laugh as much as i cld cuz, i dont think i will haf much of these kind of enjoyment. and im q thankful tt they actually accomodated wif my preference and not jus simply going to some coffee shop. which... they seems to be so fond of. lOL

i laughed, i smiled, i went crazy for a little while, so.. today wasnt tt bad after all =)

Alternate life

Went to sch wif a tired body as usual. My soul doesn't seem to attach well wif my body nowadays. Took naps and had weird dreams. Lol I wonder if it's cuz of those random tots frm ytd, abt alternate lives? Like how my life wldve been different if I had made different decisions at those crucial junctures.
Yea, I.. Had those vivid dreams tt sort of... Depicts the possible scenerio if I'd made another decision, it feels so real and at the same time heart wrenching cuz... Ahh how to say, tt feeling of regret, loss and argh. It's okay. I don't regret any of my decisions, it was a gamble after all and... Tt dreamt scenerio, was jus a possible scenerio, it may or may not happen even if I did made the decision. Hahahaha I wonder if I'm making any sense. But well Tryta understand while I will try to edit it later to make it make more sense hahaha.

Yea jus a random thought tt kinda disturbed my brain earlier. But generally, I'm. alrdy the way I am now, emotionless. So, nth great nth bad. Life will jus slowly pass by while I will continue waiting for someone to make me alive again.

Peace.

Life's pretty peaceful ytd and today. Nth big nth saddening. Perhaps letting go is like opening the door to a another life. Instead of constantly suffering alone , constantly helping wher nobdy noes. Tiring. Saddening. But well well, I can live now like a normal person. Sch was hyper boring, I'll always constantly reproach myself, why didn I why didn I. Why did I not choose to hang on, perhaps my life wldve been so diff right at this moment.

I wldve been working in some firm, wearing tt formal attire, stressing frm all the workload, bowing down to my managers and directors, prolly clients as well. Haha giving presentations, gg out for drinks wif colleagues. Ahh. Tt alternate life tt I cldve.... It's.. So different. But well since it's alr like this due to my own choices, I can't complain much. Nth is all bad as I've always said. I will be able to get smth out of this chilling. I've got a lifetime to work after all.

I wanted to tell u tt I passed.! Tt I'm.. Alive and I'm living strong. But I guess, u don't need to noe anymore since we're alr in different worlds, u are living the life tt u wanted. While I.. Am living the life which is the result of my actions.

I'll live long. I'll live strong. I've alrdy moved on.

I'm at peace .:)

sleep.

as sleepy as ever. how am i supposed to survive waking up at ard 6+ everyday in future. gah

so..these few days were fine. went clubbing on sat and even tho i haf assholes who pangseh-ed at the last minute, and the original plan went slightly off, it went on well enuf.
how to say.. am i not supposed to get angry? am i supposed to forgive and forget unconditionally? if u arent interested in going, just say so at the start, esp for these kind of group outings where the no. rly matters since i needa book tables and all.

u needa go service ur vehicle? who does tt at night.
ur fking gf needs u? bitch pls u got 364 days wif her, i jus needed ur presense for a few hours. and to the fking gf, if u think he's gonna misbehave in clubs or smth, look closer, he aint got enuf.
ure sick.? how timely.and u expect me to believe u.

i duno. i wanted to think rationaly but im quite angry cuz i rly planned it out properly since few weeks ago. to think tt my carefully planned out event could almost break like tt.
well nonetheless, even wif my tired brain and thinned troops, we went and rly had fun =)
noona. LOL.

i spent my monday worrying. abt tues. haha it sucks but i just lived thru tt state whereby u dont look forward to tml and u noe u need the slp to do well.
uh so ytd, i finally passed my driving test. BARELY. it rly sucks tt u alr noe all the stuff but ure still judged for the sake of being judged. i did well but ppl jus liked commenting and just wanted to bring u down just coz. ahh was rly rly rly super happy tt i dont hafta be judged again but its the 3rd time im taking the test which.... isnt rly smth to be proud of so... i guess i shld jus.. contain my happiness and live life as per norm.

you.still u.

oh side note! i realised my english was kinda bad in the previous posts but pls uds tt im always writing it like in the middle of the night when my brains nt rly working and i wld edit the sentence here and dere which resulted in improper sentence structure? i will edit it to make it better every once in a while. haha

I'm not tt noble.

If I can't love u can I hate u..? Whenever I see u I will feel smth so if it can't be love, it shld be hate right.? I hate hw weak I was.? Am .? were.? Still am. I hate tt i still Hafta see u, cuz I noe if I don't see u, I can jolly well live emotionlessly, not happily but at the very least not sad.
Haha I guess it's smth tt u don't quite agree wif, but I guess most guys are like tt, I am no different.

I'm not tt noble to forget all tt I've given and not getting anything in return. I'm not tt noble to continue making ur life better while not having mine nt getting any better.

I didn change, it's jus tt I stopped caring.

Argh. Ran out of ideas again lol.  Today's supposed to be a bad day but Somehw I made it thru.:) tml shall be better I hope and i hope sat will be best day.! Haha

Note to self, resist the loneliness for now. It's gonna be fine it's gonna be fine.

Hurt

I'm not a violent person and in fact, I've never ever liked to resort to violence. if possible, I've always  hoped tt I can rly jus laugh and smile and talk over everything. I rly wanted to treat ppl nicely and
 make everyone happy, tt way I can be happy too. Perhaps tts wad everyone is born to be, however at some point of time, they.. Change, as per the 'prisoners dilemma', smarter humans realized tt if they take advantage of another human's kindness and trust, and 'cheated' in their interactions, they will be able to gain much more frm wad they are originally supposed to gain.

This doesn't jus apply in economics sense but in our everyday life as well. And ppl, who aren't as smart, will also realize their disadvantage if they remain as they are, and thus, any rationale human wld choose to be stop trusting other ppl which, prolly is the reason why the world is as this state now.

I guess I'm prolly the later. I used to be nice to ppl until I realise tt if I'm nice, ppl will feel tt I'm a pushover and start lording over me and make me do things tt wld make them happier while I.. Unhappier.? Lol if there's this word haha. Well ya tts most likely why I'm wad I am now. adapt, change, survive.

I didn want to hurt u. But I don't quite like the fact tt I need to tolerate any of tt. I'm a superior being in every aspect, no reason why I Hafta lower myself. Heh if u noe wad I meant. Pls stop makin me hurt u. It sux cuz even I'm starting to hate myself.

Kkk nxt, it's kinda ironic tt we're so similar but I Duno if u realized. Mayb cuz u didn even bother knowing, mayb it's because I'm constantly trying to hide my character. But frm my perception, we. Are so god damn similar in terms of character. We.. Keep the distance cuz we don't want to get hurt, even wif tt said, sometimes we do irrational things. There's. So much more but I ain't gonna list them all down. Ah but Perhaps tt is wad ppl said... Like poles repel. We're going our seperate ways.

I'm. Sorry cuz I feel tt I'm gonna hurt u more than u shld be cuz sadly, I'm jus using u conveniently. Mayb u are doing the same but I.. Don't quite like the idea of having to settle wif smth tts nt my first choice, nor second, nor third. I'm sry but pls. Im sry I'm sry. Let's keep the distance.

I don't wanna hurt and I don't wanna get hurt no more. I had a human heart after all.

argh.

how do you like it when the thing tt u've worked hard to get for a few months to get got taken away by someone else who prolly didn even put in any effort and tt person is kinda like "hey dude, check it out, ive got this bitch and u lost u fking loser"
ho my mother father. can u imagine how much vulgarities tt went thru my mind..? arh.. i needa... calm down... perhaps.. chill and argh fk.

yea im...... ready to write a song. to tell world how much i hate this. how much hatred I haf for this world, hw many ppl i want to get rid of frm this world. perhaps.. perhaps.. i will destroy u first.
:)

This... Unhappy feeling.. Let's hope tt it will all disappear by tml.fk all these, where's my beer.

The brokened shall remain brokened and mayb break down further. Other pieces will able to shine better when placed in contrast of tt broken vase

Resist.

Nth much for today. Just lyrics.

"Love always ends with tears
but lingers in your heart
It blocks your path
so you can never run away
Don’t forget the memories of our love
I’ll only be happy if you
keep it in your heart forever

Sing a song for me
So I can send it to her
Love (yeah) Affection (yeah)
I want her to take it away
Yell loudly for me
And send it to her
Today (yeah) tomorrow (yeah)
Tell her not to look for me

Tell her not to look for me

The idea of having to protect something
Even though it wears you out,
even though you go crazy,
Doing that for you, I went crazy.
I was a ballerino that danced for you
at your beck and call.
Your face turned red as you laughed at me,
All darkness turned to light.
Even though the world turns
we said that we wouldn’t,
That we would always stay together.
We promised we would follow
one path together
But I’m alone
Still I reluctantly dance to the lingering music
Like a carousel in a darkened carnival
I’ll keep on smiling till deaths"

Heh kinda interesting lyrics to read lol.:| and sry for copying wholesale and jus removing some repetitive parts.

All tt I wanted to say for today is, I hope someone wld sing a song for me so tt it will reach her heart, As I rly feel tt I'm slowly getting torn apart day by day.  I wanted to leave so much,  but after seeing my bank account balance.. I simply walked away wif a frozen smile. But this pain.. Is quite hard to bear. Bleh

Jus woke up frm my slp and dreamt of woot. Fun joy and laughter. But as I come back to this reality, boredom, sorrow and fatigue hit me lol. Wad now, more challenge awaits me. I mus perservere and endure till I haf enuf money and walk out like how I walked in. For now... I shall live a sorrowful life. Light will embrace me after this test. Gah

slack

ive been slacking abt too much recently. completely ignoring my academics... aint rly a gd thing to do.

today's gonna be short. im not going into details.
i..still tink of u once in a while, but im quite..okay wif u being in the past and u wont appear in my life anytime soon.

i cant let u go even if i tried hard to. i wonder wad happened to u but.. well if possible, if theres a chance. i will still be there for u.

im. quite tired of my life now. its too meaningless. no. i dont like this. break free of these soon pls cy

Filthy humans.

ive previously wrote a whole post of complaining abt assholes ive had to deal wif ytd wif the above title.
den when i woke up in the morning, it occurred to me tt whining bout them aint gon be useful at all. so i might as well remove the whole thing.
hmm prolly to sum up, theres a cheapskate bitch who said tt students were taking up space and not making it profitable for us and she herself only bought 1 drink and took up the space for 3 ppl for like wad 2hrs+:? yea. and this dumb dude who's constantly tryin to slack off and tryin to convince me tt he constantly needs to shit for like 10++ mins. and lastly this weird human who likes to come late, oh no, likes to do weird things b4 coming to work and end up reaching like 1hr - 2hrs late. i wonder wads going on in their brains. jus looking at them makes me realize how disgusting a human's character can get, i... there will be more of these. there will be.. for there are alot of lowly characters running all over this earth. am i fit to criticize them? i hope so.

well well, tt sums up wad was intended for this post. to top up, im going to say smth.. slightly uplifting. haha. i went home after a tiring day at work and waited for dinner. hmm if i didn remb wrongly, last week they went out to haf smth nice tgt while im nt ard. so i tot today they are gonna do the same. den my bro went home and its jus left wif the 4 of us=.= which probably means tt we're jus gonna eat some random shit to simply fill our stomachs. i guess im feeling sore, since ive had a tough day, i wanted to eat smth nice badly and when i dont get it, im..grumpy lOL.so i told my family abt how disappointed i am and i wanted to EAT smth NICE, my dad ended up accomodating to my demands.. my god. why. and he said i cld order anything tt i wanted to order, and so i did. heh. but of cuz i chose the cheaper ones cuz even i might feel ashamed once in a while.
so yea tts pretty much all. jus so u noe, my dad is the kind who wld argue wif a kueh seller over like 20cents? but he actually gave in to my whining and ended up paying for a 40+ dollar dinner ( prolly nt rly considered expensive) but he cldve jus said no and merely buy us random food wif a total bill of proly bout 10+ dollars? eh it kinda surprised me but i guess he cld rly see my disappointed face and thus the decision. sigh. if only i got like loads of money.. i wanna buy my family some nice dinner too. =| perhaps.. soon..i hope. if smth nice happen to me i will.

Sore.

So I've been thinking, ' Haf I been thinking too much.?' Hahaa funny isn't it. Frm the beginning, I shldve stood and watched frm a higher position instead of jumping down into the mud pool and drowning myself in it. I'm constantly feeling sore whenever smth near me got taken away...well, truth is it nv belonged to me and... I'm jus feeling unhappy tt someone else is happy and not me.:| sore loser.? Perhaps I am. But, isn't it humane.? Which... Shldnt be the case for me tho. Argh, I constantly needa remind myself. "These are of minor concerns... These aren't impt..don't be stupid"

Constantly struggling between the light and the dark, I can feel so much anger today and it all got removed by my own comforting the nxt day. Funny, while at the same time ironic tt I've always tried to comfort other ppl and I ended up having to comfort myself as well. Anyway, one day I wld most likely gonna be pulled in and get stucked in the darkness, so let this post be a reminder to my future self tt even I had moments wherby I'm actually feeling happy for other ppl's happiness and I wld gladly go the xtra mile to make some1 else's day and not expecting any returns at all. Hahaha.. There are moments like tt... Only when I'm irrational. :) most of the time... I'm evil. Heh.


Need to wake up early tml.. Darned.
I wonder wad I will be tml, let's just hope it's smooth sailing.

Oh jus some side updates. Got a belated bday present frm my dear fren. Which made me kinda happy and sad at the same time, haha of cuz anyone wld be happy to receive a present but...... After I opened the present, I can't help but to give a cold laughter. Sincerely a bad present, it's so bad tt when I showed other ppl, they actually tot tt it's a prank or smth. But well well, a present is a present. I.. Shall accept tt sincerity and ermm .. Prolly chuck the present somewher lOl.! And yea. a return present is a must.

Oh fk I missed my bus.

like a fool.

i really wonder. if i shld b happy or angry. the sad truth will always appear in front of my eyes and try to convince me to stop doing all the stupid shit tt ive been doing. but... cant u jus give me happiness alrdy? ive sincerely ran ard in circles and haf worked so hard all these while. so... stop, stop torturing me wif all ur pranks alrdy pls? yea the 67 prank which u did so many times. its rly annoying. uve punished me enuf for my sins i suppose. the repeating of my final year, the failing of my driving tests. isnt it enuf? cant u jus let me haf smth to be happy abt.?

as i was thinking if life's gonna get better cuz... its kinda peaceful these few days till...heh. Seeing some stuffs tt made my mood sank to the bottom of the seabed. Heh. Thus explaining the need for the alcohol again.

here comes the idea. of some ppl nt having to do much and achieving wad everybdy wanted, while some other human fighting wif all their life and nt getting anything in return. wad now. fairness? no such thing. so...im gonna.. keep tt mentality in mind and... twist it to my favour.

cuz good guys dont last. bad guys do.
hatred and anger. ive got so much of both



 lol.

jealousy/nothing.

Jealousy: an emotion, typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

jealousy. i hope tt my eyes were kinda playing tricks on me and wad i tot i saw was nt actually the thing i saw. nonetheless.. it sux.
work seems pretty much meaningless and the returns.... aint worth the effort. im sincerely considering my dad's offer and hope tt i can jus live like a freeloading leech at home.

argh. outta ideas again...=_= i shall jus end it short... tt feeling of hopelessnes.. the breatheless jealousy... i.. cant take much of it.

its a quarter after 2.im kinda..tipsy as usual.

Nth special. Nth happy. It's q filled wif nothingness anw.

Jus gonna end here.

Heh.U suck. Omg.

Ure blinded.

U are totally blinded. So as I am. I shan't blame u. It's pretty normal for tt to happen, so wad am I supposed to do nw. Start pushing forward.? No. I'm afraid of failure, much more than u do, more than any other human as well. I.. Can't afford to lose anymore, time ain't on my side this time ard and I've got so much to lose as compared to other ppl.

Loads of things I wanted to talk abt but whenever I reach this page I forgot wad I wanted to say.
Well well I shall jus list them down and elaborate if I haf the mood to edit it later.

I don't wan it, but I don't wanna gif it to other ppl either. :| quite evil eh. Part of me told me tt I shld let other ppl haf it so I will feel happy tt at least other ppl are made better off w/o me becoming worse off. Tts econs. Hahah this way, the market will be more efficient. Tt said, the feeling tt someone else is made better off becoz of me while I didn get anything in return makes me feel kinda unhappy. Lol, weird eh.? Y am I like this.

 Tho I feel tt it was q nice to hear quite abit frm u since... I started, no since u started distancing urself frm me, whether it was intentional or not but yes, since tt wide distance widened further, I remb hw it feels like again perhaps. Tho the feeling isn't tt strong as compared to b4, a part of my brain urged me tt "pls protect this person, pls make her happy as much as u can." But, I guess it's beyond my abilities tho. I wanna try harder, I don't wanna give too much. The dilemma I've always been facing these months, I sincerely Duno. I don't noe. I've got no clue.

Screw  me.

Ure blinded, the thing tt u wanted so badly cldve easily be obtained if u looked ard u. It's almost jus right in front of u but u don't see it cuz ure blinded by smth else tt u tot it's urs

You.

"In my heart that let you go

Tears come up and shake me and hurt me
In my two eyes that let you go
Darkness comes to me again

I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I regret because I couldn’t take care of you
I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I go crazy with the memory of you laughin

With the pain of not having you, I shed tears and blow my nose
I want to be a man and just laugh but
I can’t fix the habit of becoming blank every moment
I want to be a man and just laugh "

I'm not smiling when I'm smiling. Becoz I don't even appear in front of ur eyes. U can't even see the look in my eyes when I look at u. I wanna be beside u. Can't u alr noe my intentions. Ain't it obvious Enuf.?-_-

Had a couple of beer again, I guess I'm  tt rottened. Wanted to talk to someone but I don't think there's anybody out there so I am jus chilling while watching some funny vid clips trying to make myself smile. (Non-adult themed.)

Eating and drinking makes me happy slightly I think... But tt void inside needs to be filled by smth else.  Those empty laughters I've been having, those fake smiles on my face jus rubbed against my bad mood and made myself feel more empty.

Duno if I'm making much sense cuz I'm jus writing Wadever tt came into my mind. Hahaa I gues I shall edit it later.

Finally. A small paragraph abt myself... A strange qn tt popped into my head tt I can't get the answer no matter hw hard I try to get evidences frm my past memories.:
I'm kinda funny, I sincerely ain't sure abt what I'm actually like. Am I the weird guy who likes to do strange stuffs to make ppl luff or am I the quiet person who jus likes to sit down and stare into blank. For now I shall jus accept tt I'm both. The person wif probably a split personality, maybe.

Will continue looking for answers. For the qn on wad am I deep inside and to the soln to fill up tt empty soul of mine. Hope remains, the light will be mine one day.

Meaningless

I've been doing quite abit of meaningless stuff recently and I don't like it. Dragging my tired body ard and not getting anything much in return despite my hardwork. Holy cow wad am I doing wif my life. If I jus stop Wadever strange stuff tt I am doing nw, I wld probably end up doing nth which is kinda... Boring as well. Why do I always end up wif this kind of situations.... change in environment? Find smth new in life.? Like wad. -_- change ain't always good. Wif change there cld be a 50% chance of getting a worse life wif contrast to my current state. Tt ain't gd either.

Wanting to talk to sm1 but there isn't anyone whom I can trust. As in nt like my frens won't listen or I don't trust my frens. Hahha but... I don't think anyone wld be able to uds wad I'm rly gg thru. Whining to ppl who don't uds will only result in wad, textbook replies," aww u shld change, aww u shld look on the bright side.." Lol fk tt. I haf all of those answers as well. So yeah. I'm.... Probably jus gonna counsel myself later. Hahaha.

Meaningless meaningless meaningless. Wad shld I do tml.:/


And u suck. Srsly. Why. Why. Why. Why.fk this.

Hw can I smile when I'm nt happy
Hw can I be happy when life is so meaningless
Hw can I find meaning when ur heart isn't here.

LIFE.

nth special as usual! heh. unsure whether tts a gd thing but. same saying goes, nth bad means its good. always wanting to take a step forward but lacking in courage cuz i haf too much to lose. sometimes i rly envy ppl who took the brave step forward and achieved smth incredible. while for my case, i always hesitate and if im not wrong, whenever i step forward, i only get shit results tt deters me frm doing so anymore. well well....

ive... worked hard these few weeks? and yes i needa work harder in academic wise. gotta pick up the pace. and oh, i havent met many of my frens for awhile... hey it aint totally my fault, they are bz wif their stuffs as well ok.
i..rly detest meeting up wif ppl to do "catching up". in a sense cuz im not doing well. and in another way, theres nt much purpose in like catching up wif ppl cuz however they do doesnt rly affect me in any way. true right? and while knowing whether they are doing well doesnt really affect me in a positive way, taking time out of my full schedule jus to meet up wif them affects me in a negative way. like i hafta shagg my ass off further jus to meet up wif em, and arranging timings makes me feel slightly pissed off and furthermore, havin to spend money on meals and stuffs. overall i will gain no utility in meeting them, and in fact my disposable income falls. the final results in a fall in utillity thus, it is irrational to meetup wif those ppl.

well that said, my bro talked to me abt tt as well, he said "y mus u haf a purpose whenever u meet up wif ppl" and my reply was "y not"
err... it is true tho, meeting up wif ppl shld give me positive utility in the form of comfort? tt i will be glad tt the person is doing well and also happiness? tt i am able to luff and joke ard wif them to brighten up my day. that said if the utility is not able to balance out the disutility tt i haf to invest in ie; my time and my money, i shld not go.

hha. sounds just like an econs student trying to reason his way out of his weird thinkings. well well. i shall....hit the roads one of these days ok? yea i will try.

another month

october came.
september was supposed to be the best mth of the year but this year its filled with sorrow, disappointment, anger and loneliness..? heh.

at least the first day of this month was quite... smooth. nth special. nth bad. so its good. pls keep it this way. i shall tryta be nice k

whats wrong

Wads wrong wif the world and wads wrong wif my life these days. So many unpleasant things happening to me recently, y can't it just be smooth and silky like my hair or smth.  As a human I don't think I rly did many bad stuffs and in fact I've helped many ppl in their difficult times and generally I've been rather nice to everyone ard me so why. Lol.

I guess I'm born kind in nature, but luckily I'm not born wif a slow brain. A species will only be able to survive if it's able to adapt to the ever changing world; I'm, rather quick to adapt I guess. The world told me tt nice guys don't last and other human beings aren't as nice as I am. There are loads of ppl who are more than willing to step on top of u in order to get higher up,and the only way to escape tt fate is to step on other ppl first before anyone else does the same. Well so.. I'm thinking if I've been doing a good job so far. I hope I did, in terms of trying my best to not let anyone step on me that is.

Sighh.

Nxt issue:
Wld it be nice if  I can treat u like a stranger if we can't end up together. Why Do I haf to squeeze out tt smile and always caring u subconsciously even tho I noe tt u won't do the same. Heh, I guess this had alrdy became my habit. Tsk, Y cant I jus do it for other ppl who wld b able to reciprocate my actions, my feelings, my heart. 

I've always tot, wad am I doing ther w/o u. Why am I still guarding this place and not expecting u. As the weeks passes, it became frm disappointment to sorrow. Frm sorrow to acceptance.. Accepting tt even if it turned out the way i wanted it to, i won't rly be happy anw. And  yea dere were instances when I rly wanted to jus throw every shit away and enjoy my freedom, but circumstances... are being a bitch as well.

And yea u: busy my ass pls. I noe how it's like to be busy. U don't need to wait fr a few days to reply one dumb ass msg. No thanks. Much appreciated but stop wasting my time please. thank u very much.

More hatred.

Yes u may. Take everything tt I cared for frm me. Will tt make me stronger and better.? If yes go ahead. Or if u jus wanted to make me hate u more. I will.

Complete lost of interest. Complete defeat. Total unhappiness. Where's my beer. Argh: fk I needa wake up early tml omg. Sigh.

Fk this.

"Nothing ever lasts forever

In the end, you changed

There is no reason, no sincerity

Take away such a thing as love

Tonight, I’ll be crooked

Leave me alone

I was alone anyway

I have no one, everything is meaningless

Take away the sugar-coated comfort

Tonight, I’ll be crooked

I scream and get dizzy

I vent out of boredom to other couples

I start fights for no reason like a town gangster

Sometimes, I purposely shake my leg, crookedly

The main characters of the movie called this world is you and me

A lonely island, lost and wandering

The empty streets are filled with those who are alone"

Slumber.

Finally went into deep sleep when I got home just nw. It felt damn weird, like uhm, had a few dreams tt feels so real and when I woke up, I had this few milliseconds of wad do u call tt.? Confusion between which is the reality and which is the dream world. ..TWICe. Yea cuz I woke up for lunch  and went back to slp.

Today has been q normal, A pretty peaceful day I can say. Don't u love peaceful times? Days wherby u totally don't feel like replying texts, answering phone calls and jus doing nth. And choose do only the things tt I liked.. It's pretty delightful. But the happy times aren't gonna last. Things will get hectic again tml onwards.

Pardon my abrupt end. But I. Can't think of anything else to write ATM. Tts it for now.

Hatred. I'm full of it.

remains.

My human body almost reached its physical limit today haven't been slping well these few days and had to work those fked up shifts. it's smth  which I requested for but  it turned out to be rather tiring. Haha jus cuz I'm not used to slping early

Stuffs happened. Mostly of nt much of importance but jus to note down somewher to show tt I lived. hmm. After a long while of not seeing u, drowning myself wif things to do. I kinda forgot tt I liked u; wad remained was just a statement or erm wad, a memory? Tt I was so into u. But, why did I even fall for u. Heh, I can barely remb why. Memories fades, feelings die off, hearts gets chilled. One will soon realize tt all these minor humane stuffs will seemed rly so insignificant when they actually find smth more meaningful. Haha nt tt I've alrdy found it tho, jus tt I haf a feeling tt I will find it one day. And all these petty arguments, minor unhappiness will all seem miniscule later. And, I will jus luff at how foolish I used to be.

So it feels like u wanted to meet up,I'm definitely happy but, for wad purpose. Catching up.? -_- I don't haf much stuffs to catch up wif tho. Hahha, hmm dinner date.? we haven't met for too long for the dinner to be anywher near romantic. We will most likely haf like those awkward moments and den talk abt stuffs tt didn rly matter. Which I rly hated.

but still... Well we'll see.

nxt, hahaha I can't control myself I'm so sry. I rly tried to stay far far away. Oh heh it's the same for u as well, wads remaining in my brain is "oh I like u, I must protect u" but... Den again, for wad.? Hahaha it's like it's smth tts alrdy been programmed in my mind and I'm jus following tt order for some unknown reasons. Ain't it strange? Yea I guess I'm strange after all.

Bogoshipda. Just a yesterday's interest.

Memories delete.

Things that are not seen by my eyes meant tt it may not be the truth. Tho all evidences might be pointing to tt one conclusion, as long as it doesn't happen in front of my eyes, it's not the truth. Wad do u call this. "Denial" I guess.

No problems. I shall remove all relevant memories to prevent me frm being affected. Tt said..... Fk this. Hating this unfair world, whoever said tt hardwork will definitely bring results truly haven't experienced despair, wher hope no longer exists and the wrecked body is no longer able to move forward, every cell in the body tells the brain tt it's pointless to continue trying.

I've most likely reached the end of the line and I rly haf to say, I rly did my best but sadly. The results that is visible is far less than wad I hoped for.
Why. Why. I can't be sure of the reason tho.
But I shall prevail, even tho I'm hating this, I will Control myself and move on in life. Really?? I will try.my best...

Disgusting

I am truly a disgusting living organism I guess.

I'm actually the kind who will use smth else which I don't rly like jus bcoz of the fact tt I can't get the thing which I rly wanted, and then cast it aside totally after a little while.
mayb tts human nature,but still... oh wells
quick update: went back to sch and it felt damn horrible, rly missed the days where i had u sitting beside me who was totally my only motivation to stay inside the boring lesson. now tt ure gone,i rly see no reason at all.
i.. shall try my best to make the best out of this one year. i will learn abt myself and get stronger, in every sense of tt word ok.

got my new fone. yays.

still. missing.u. fk me.

"You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
'Cause when I'm with (her?) I am thinking of you
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes"

k bye.

remember

so sch started and argh. it feels rly horrible tt firstly its so crowded and i dont noe why. the cohort taking the same course as me is SO much bigger than mine last year.

shit. i totally lost the feel to write but. lets jus cut it short,
random thoughts tt suddenly popped up in my mind. i... remebered smth tt i havent seen for a LONG while and im... argh i... miss it badly.

bogoshipda.

Last day.

Hyper tired:

And sch starts tml. Note to self: do not sin. Please. Game over alright.

The wedding.

So I went to the wedding. Frankly speaking, its the first one which actually involves my fren so it feels kinda different. Uhh as usual dragged my ass outta my hse half heArtedly but well I'm late as usual but not the latest hahaha.

K so.! We went dere, and there, the groom omg. He looked totally like a boy wearing blazer and all to take part in some kiddy competition or smth but omg no. He's totally gettin married, I guess I still can't adjust my brain to the fact tt I'm actually at tt age. Argh. Jus thinking abt it makes me feel unwel. So I went in and ya had q a gd catchup session wif those frm my table. It rly feels quite nice tt we actually still haf things to talk abt even tho we don't meet often. Had loads of gd laughs and I... Kinda enjoyed the good food. Haha. Stayed a little even after the banquet for abit of beer and continued chatting. Well they did went for part 2, while I had to rush off to work
It felt q bad tt I haf to work and not able to haf  fun wif my frens but oh well. Tts my sucky life. So wad abt it.

Some random thoughts occured while i was walking. heh. to me it was quite a normal day I guess, But to the couple who jus got married, I think it's srsly a very very impt day in their lives. since it's the day wher they decided to be together forever this lifetime, the day tt they officially break off frm their usual family wher they were carefully taken care of and nw they gotta start doing the taking care. Hw much courage would tt take, how much love wld be needed for them to take tt step forward into the new world. Loving one another is alrdy not ez, much less deciding he married.  Well well definitely makes ppl feel like getting married soon as well.

But bleh. Snap back to reality. I'm still me and I'm still in the shit hole. And yea fk this..

I'm still missing u. lol. But I guess it doesn't hurt tt much.

I cld pray a thousand times, I cld write a thousand letters and I could shout it out a thousand times, but u will never noe hw much I missed u.

breathe.

went for a jog again after finally recovering frm tt last run. no no no its jus due to the lack of exercise after such a long time. its nt bcoz im old pls. yea, i nv considered myself getting weaker. on the contrary, i feel tt im growing in strength. heh call tt denial. i call tt motivation? i can see tt im kinda gaining fats tho, -_- damned. needa cut down on late supper and all those fattening stuff. hahahaha.

a few things lately, but am too lazy to update. hahha due to wadever reasons..laziness shld be the main one. oh and catherine's been quite bitchy these few days so i cant rly access to the internet and all.okkk to summarize wad happened these few days.. hmm went to work and slp and went out and shopped and spent some money heh. h&m stuffs are so bloody tempting and i ended buying some stuff which i may not actually need at all. but oh wells.

uh theres this wedding tt i had to attend tml, lol as usual.. the "ahh i wanna go i wanna go" but when its coming, i felt like jus running away and jus slack at home. well well i aint got much happy and slack times left.. might as well enjoy this moment when i still haf time to spare. argh. so not in mood right now. so i shall jus skipp to some smaller stuffs.

i dont like picking up smth i dont like cuz i might jus bring it home even tho i dont like it. im taking it jus cause the one i rly like is not within my reach. so i had the urge to settle down for smth of way poorer quality. BUT no pls... im so gonna regret it later, im so gonna hate myself for doing tt and every1 will look at me wif tt kind of eyes. "eeyerr...." lol. so im trying hard to get myself out of it. im so sry if i happened to hurt anyone. its for the greater good. as always.

i shall end this post wif a song cuz im rly kinda outta inspiration.

When you're gone

The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

so much. tt i didn realise only until im suddenly reminded. the things tt i did to get me thru the day, that forced me to look away. but it all came back at the end of the day. i never wanted you to stay away.

no, dont bother thinking, i came up wif the above line myself. :)

what wld the knight fight to protect when the princess is not in the castle.

feeling normal...?

filthy lowly humans. dont u despise them? i do but. removing all of them frm this world wont rly make this world a happier place i guess. it is thru them, u will be able to cherish the kindness and beautifulness of some other ppl. :)

had a little beer wif kb after work... wasnt rly wad i wanted but since hes here and he suggested it, i wld simply concur. talked abt some random stuffs, and felt kinda....in need of some1 to talk to hahah, i wonder wad tt feeling is but i guess its jus random.
yea. i accidentally...well not tt it matters but yea sry for the disturbance.. i will b fine again tml.
strange mixture of feelings, hate this but not gonna be a big problem. im cy after all. and to top it off, im getting colder, and colder.

a level higher.

so it just occured to me. all those sadness, all those feelings of disappointment, loss whatever and everything were mere feelings tt came about just cuz i was caught up in the moment.

even tho u still make my heart skip a little, make me feel tt i want to keep u forever, it...doesnt rly matter tt much. its jus a temporary feeling i guess. a foolish humane side of mine, which im trying hard to get rid of. since i fully noe my weakness nw, humane. a step backwards, looking at all these wif a wider view, thiknking wad life actually is. i dont rly haf an answer to tt yet but, its definitely not jus abt erm wad life partner.? Or the qualifications tt I get. ya but im not giving up on tt, i will still try my best to climb up to the top and see wad its like frm up there.

that said, as long as im still breathing, the sun still rises. i can stilll fight. and no i wont give up fighting.


i think im gonna miss u quite abit but...i think its okay. gdbye haf fun.

Dark chilly night.

It's 2:31am. And it's raining so it's kinda cold, but nt exactly tt bad. However, I felt like I wanted smth to make me feel warm, mayb it's due to the shits tt were happening ard me tt made me feel tt I wanted warmth badly. Den I realized the sad truth tt I ain't got a blanket.-_- cuz on Normal days I don't rly use em. Arh so I'm making do wif all these spare pillows and bolsters wif my jacket and cardigans lol.

Well well, ytd midnight, i... Went for a little walk, haha hoping to get a breather. Hmm it rained q heavily which is kinda nice and it made me hw do u say it, cherish being at home much more.? Cuz it's rly rly very comfortable at home compared to tt cold chilly winds tt makes ppl depressed, esp when it's raining. Haha hw uncomfortable wld I haf felt if I'm like homeless OMg.. Tt feeling... I didn even wanna start thinkin abt it.
K so.! Yea after enduring thru the hard storms outside, I think I had a clearer mind, like comparing
the downpour as all the problems tt we experience in life,u won't rly die frm it even if u jus endure
 thru it. but however, wif an umbrella, it's definitely way way easier to get thru the storm. Tt said, our family, our frens who are there for u even when ure experiencing hardship acts like an umbrella, tt protects u frm the storm, tho u might still get wet, at least, ure happy to noe tt it cldve been worse. Much worse.

Nxt chapter, haha so even up till today, I've yet to receive smth tt I... Had been hoping to get since like months ago.? Smth I've lived for. Hahaha. It's sad to noe tt my placing in ur heart was actually tt low. And the fact tt all my efforts and feelings didn reach ur heart. Tt sux. Jus thinking of tt made me feel über depressed and urged me to jus get faraway frm u. Tt said, I don't think tt I wld actually bear to and logically, I shldn. As in coz I need tt money and my pride and my feelings and everything, can't even compare to wad I needa achieve.

Is it even a mistake to haf hope,? Wad I've always asked  for isn't alot. Tho Ive always tried to convince myself tt I shldnt hope for anything to prevent disappointment, but... Nah, u and I noe

it


doesn't work tt way, tt tiny ray of expectation nv dies off completely. Dreams dashed, hopes crushed, wishes unfulfilled, ill live thru them, so pls stop torturing me. I beg u.

The end.

Each time I tried to get out of smth fked up, smth MORE FKed up will happen. My mum seems to b cool, my dads utterly disappointed. But I noe, mums definitely feeling hyper fked up but she's jus unable to react atm. Dad wld b saying "I knew it" and I rly hate tt. Wads worse than having to face tt humiliation, those scornful eyes and also sympathetic looks frm other ppl tt steps hard on ur pride.? It's the fact tt becuz of u, innocent ppl, ur loved ones, having to face tt frm other ppl as well jus bcoz of u.
Hurting my close ones haf nv felt gd to me. It's all bcoz of me. I sucked. I'm a piece of shit. but havin to face tt alone, wasn't ez. But tts the reason y I'm strong, and I haf to. Cuz the shits has jus began, the worst has yet to come, cuz I noe, when I finally bring these to light, even my close ones will look at me differently, will gif me tt look, will talk behind my back. But wad can I do, I... Hate tt, but I Hafta face it.
The lone battle starts now.

Tt aside, I shall talk abt other stuffs. I.. Asked for a pay raise. It wasn't ez to get the raise but... Srsly it's nt attractive enuf tho. Well I tested the limits and I quite like wad I saw. It's like a fun game of chess:) where i pit my brain against somebody else indirectly and tts kinda interesting. but still. Shld I. For all tt I noe... Its not gonna be the same anymore. For.. The only purpose dere wldve been money. Jus tt and tt feeling sucked.

Nxt up.! My bday.! hahaa it's more than disappointing. Yr by yr, the celebration got more and more pathetic, nt to say tt less and less of my frens sent me their gd wishes. it jus shows hw pathetic my social circle is. being so alone this year.. Is tt my retribution .? wad haf I done exactly. I haf a clear conscience, so I totally don't deserve all these shit.

Alrighty. So tts 3 sad stuffs in a go. beat tt.

Here comes.

It's tt time of the year again. Much as I had anticipated for this day to come, yea it came wif much much disappointment. It makes me feel so so freaking bad omg. Tt jus means tt I... Didn rly take up much place in other ppl's hearts despite all tt I've done so far. Always going the extra mile for others, always there for my frens. I guess... Tt wasn't enuf. Wad was I lacking exactly. Like srsly. I Duno. I guess it's jus tt fker playing tricks on me again, like trying its best to get me down. Like srsly.? Fk off alrdy, uve crossed tt line. I swear I will destroy u and crush u like a Ccb.

U texted me at 12 and talked abit here and there. Brought a little smile to my face but, tts nt rly enuf. Ur pretense of concern didn help tt much. I... See straight thru all of it well. but thx anw. i still hope tt we cld meet up every once in a while tho.

U.. Didn give me any shit. Hw cld u omg. All those tt I've given, I'm sure I deserved a lil smth.?!? Omg fk this shit. Omg fk fk fk why: why does it always get worse and worse every year while I work harder yr after yr, I... Think it shld be a sign to tell me tt, do less for ppl and u will get much more in return probably?

pfftttt. and this shld be my.. last happy day. haahahaa. tt was not happy at all.

Purpose.

The one word tt decides alot of stuff. Why do u do tt? For wad purpose.? Wads the purpose for all these etc etc.

Purpose. Sometimes the idea jus jolts me, hey, y are u bothered by all these minute stuff. Some of the stuff tt I hold so tightly onto nw are srsly quite... Quite meaningless.? Frm a third person's point of view that is. It might seem to mean a little smth to other ppl but at the end of the day, it Srsly meant nth to me. So." Why" am I so bothered. Why am I doing all these.
U ain't within my reach to begin wif. Yeah.? Yes. No matter hw I send it, my feelings will never reach u. And even if it did, it won't be well appreciated. One who cares less gets hurt lesser. I.. Always understood this point but. Why am I always the one who cares so much more about other ppl. This makes me feel so freaking mighty stupid.
And. Nope. Ur happiness is not there. It's fake pls. Ure most likely gonna go thru a series of high and lows, well u gonna end up in scars which... Hmm helps u grow but.. Yea be prepared for it.

If, if if if if:( by any chance u are srsly hurt, or u jus wan sm1 to talk to, I will. I will still be standing here. Ever willing to listen. So turn back and look ard, it's not hard to realize tt sm1 has always been protecting u in the dark and smtimes openly. :< grr fk this. Arghhhh.

That said, I must reconsider my planned series o of actions. I hope I will not continue to do stupid things and good things will start happening.

Oh btw I'm nt tt hopeful. Judging frm the things tt were happening, I don't suppose I'm gonna get happy. Yea if I don't hope for anything , I won't feel disappointed when nth happens. Right.? Sighh. I didn noe tt I wld be reduced to this pathetic state. But yea I will jus live each day as it is

Calm.

Sighh after a some booze and a gd night slp, I've managed to calm down a little. Wakin up to think like "nth in the world changed. The sun still rises, birds continued chirping, mum still watches tv. And them workers continued drillin some random stuff to wake me up in the morning.-_-"

It's regrettable it's saddening; but not q enuf to kill me so ill still b somewhat ok. The journey is not over yet, this will make me stronger, wiser, better. But I do think tt the world is ugly, very ugly. The fact tt even if u work hard u won't get wad u want pisses me off badly. Esp when I'm not one who puts in effort in everything I do. I.... Always knew tt but still.. Like a child, I hope tt things will always turn out the way I wanted it to. But yea tts life.suck it up and live on.? No Im still gonna give it a hell of a fight, for I'm me. I am a fighter a warrior, a strong one; in every sense of tt word.

It came to my mind tt when I started it, I wasn't expecting results. So y am I sulking, why shld I. Logically, theoretically, normally, it's impossible. So yea cheer up and look forward.i guess.... I shld be able to do tt.

I must not be nice. I must be heartless, for emotions had been the key to failing for many great men.
Be
Heartless.

dot.

im guessing that this is the end of the game. why.?
lol fk.. now i rly feel like digging my way out of this shit. hahahaah why. why. why. why. must it be like this. all the bad scenerios must happen all tgt at the same time. omg. let me out of all these nonsense pls.

perhaps i shant stay no more. but.. wad abt my.. argh.
ive always thought tt when smth is taken frm me, i will definitely get smth nicer in return, but wad now. everything is ripped frm me. wad u gonna gimme a new life? a new body or smth? LOl. fk u srsly. fk fk fk. and my doomsday is coming. september 5th. perhaps i shld work hard and try to live meaningfully everyday till then.

screw this shit. where's my beer._|_

sick

im sure as hell.
im getting pretty sick of these.

the heart tt i cldnt get. the place i didn want to stay in anymore, my wings tt were ripped off, everything everything tt didn go according to my calculations. im sick of it. it feels like a sick joke, intentionally trying to piss me off and hey, tts a little bit too much for me to laugh it off like normal. i will try my best to stay positive, stay strong, for tts wads been keeping me alive.

im angry, im disappointed, im sad. but i cant show it to any1 else. for there aint any wisdom tt i cldve rely on ard me.so..i guess its just me wif myself again. and i... dont really like seeing the disappointed faces. heh....heh...
i will..live on.

i wldnt force u to stay, but wad wld it be like if w/o u here. wad wld i be enduring and fighting so hard for.

Tearful (Whirl. fallen. thank you.)

cause i always cant find the right mood to write so, im going to split write abt 3 issues experienced on 3 diff days in 1 post?

Whirl
ive always looked forward to seeing u but everytime i see u, my brain gets screwed up and goes into this endless debate on whether it is right to haf feelings for u. and i wont b able to think properly bcuz there are diff course of actions tt i shld do depending on my decision. ie, if i need to remove u cause im hurting myself too much for trying to get closer, i shld rly jus step back but, part of me will still move illogically and i hate myself for tt. yea thus explains my strange actions and strange speeches. cuz, my brain is in a whirl.

i am mayb v close to the answer. this strange phenomenon will not stay for long i promise.

fallen
when life decided to screw u, they dont stop until u're totally down and until ure totally hurt and bleeding and on the verge of dying.

ive..... attained the worst case scenerio. getting a double blow. nw.. im totally stucked. totally screwed.failure failure. this is the worst ive ever experienced. getting a high nose due to previous successes. over confidence? no its not. i wld say my calculations were spot on and exactly accurate but. i forgot to add in a seemingly insignificant factor : my human heart. i dont quite regret wadever i did but, i wld really hate to see ppl showing my the looks of sympathy and asking for an explanation.

i..cant find the courage to tell my frens, my family, and all those who asked. me, the me who seemed so capable, the prideful me, the me who seemed to haf a very good idea of how his nxt step shld be, who seemed to haf calculated every single detailed so perfectly to end up so miserably pathetic. i..srsly dont wanna hear wad they wld say to me and wad scorns tt wld be coming.

my family.....omfg. they trusted me, but i disappointed them. its bad enuf tt im disappointed wif myself and i haf to bear their disappointment as well. its rly...heavy. but i cant hide frm them. ive been thinking abt all the possible scenerios. possible solns... but none seems to be good enuf to satisfy them. i.need a little more time.

and ya. now i get it, tt bright star tt i saw falling off the night sky tt day... it was actually the star tt represented me. and i still foolishly made a wish upon it thinking tt it wld bring me gd fortune.

Thank you
"this thank u is supposingly meant as a hurtful insult to tt fking wadever tt brought this to me. how cld u be so cruel to me. u shld be able to see, my efforts in pleasing every1. my efforts in trying to protect any1 ard me and make em happy. i did not ask for much, i just wanted the bare minimal to help me survive. and u selfishly took them frm me. THANK YOU so much for being so stingy. u fking thingy. be sure to pay me back smth of equivalent value in future.im growing stronger and stronger thanks to u. as man goes thru many ordeals, he becomes a man stronger than any1 else. i didn want tt tho. i merely wanted to lead a normal life if possible w/o having to face so much problems and then solving them one by one using so much effort. its not like im alrdy leading a very happy life, u jus had to pee into an overflowing shit hole dont u."

BUT oh wells rather than wasting my time to hurl insults at u, ive decided to keep tt in this time, i shall take everything back in. i wld gif this thank u to another person. the..person who caused me so much pain b4, i dont think she noes but oh wells i guess happiness are totally not gon b linked to me at any point in time.

we talked on the fone for almost 2 hrs? more like shes doing the talking and im jus listening. sry but im q a stubborn person, unless u are very convincing and u earned my respect at some point of time, nth much sinks in my brain. but however, i did appreciate the effort to wanting to gif me ur opinion which i...havent got frm any1 else. tho i dont rly need it. wad i needed was. i guess. concern.
im not able to respond well to ur conversation bcuz...i didn wanna cut u off by saying tt ive alrdy thot of all the things tt uve said. sry but i cant agree bcuz i nv believed in life being positive. i believe tt its in equilibrium, being positive aint bringing me nowher. but i guess i shall leave tt for another day. and i dont believe in wad ure doing. im jus stubborn ok.

k the more impt part was tt it rly kinda moved me tt u said tt my words actually stayed in ur heart or rather mind for all these while and it kept u moving and it brought u to gd results. but u bitch, u didn give me ur heart in return._|_ k nvm but yea since u got gd results.. i guess i can b hapy for u. so yea its decided, i am on my own. as usual.

i seldom thank people sincerely but i swear, this time im srs. thank u. for showing concern, u didn haf to. but u still insisted, mayb u thought its gon be helpful. hmm hw to say, no its not helpful to the shit tt im in. but i wldn say tt its completely meaningless. i feel slightly comforted i guess. n tho its kinda insulting to haf u feel tt u needa advice me, i...shall gracefully accept wadever u say and........ ya. i still need time to reason out properly cause i dont think i can make a rational decision at the moment but. yes u did. u did make me feel the urge to face it like a man and do smth to it as soon as possible.

My heart is touched. Thank you so much Miss. :)

u actually made tears welled up in my sockets twice within 1hr40min. welldone. i rly wish u all the best and succeed in pursuing ur goal. and i.. shall climb outta tt shithole.. as fast as i can.

thank u thank u thank u. (tearfully.)

failure.

so here comes the first. i meant second failure. hahaha jus when i tot thing went pretty smoothly. when some1 doesnt wan u to pass, there are millions of ways to make it happen. i see tt its probably a sign. hahahaahhaha the scenerio tt ive prepared in my mind. i guess you didn wan it to happen. prolly for my sake but, are u sure? ARE u freaking sure i will b happier if this series of event happen?! you'd better be cuz im fking pissed right now. im STILL FKING Pissed.

it sucks to fail, its... nt tt bad to haf to try again.. its... bad enuf to noe the fact tt.. even if u gave it ur all, ure still not good enuf. however, i think its worst to haf to face the people who... believed in u.. who had faith in u.. and also those who looked down on u, who were proven correct, heh, they were right to look down on u. it hurts alot to look at ppl's smiling face fading away as i told them the fact tt... i dont haf a good news to share. meh.its not a first failure. and i dont accept failures well. not to mention tt there are alot more things tt aint going in my favour. sometimes i feel like i just want to ignore all those shits tt happened. forgetting them might make me happier but, sadly they persists and ive got to solve it sooner or later.

okay wel wel. enuf pessimism. life's fked up but, somehw, things will be better at some point.as long as im alive, i can flip this fking table round and make things to my favour.
hmm drank a little bit of beer and chatted for a bit abt life. haha the beer omg. totally makes me feel happy. tt chilling atmosphere... nt having to care abt anything was totally spoilt by the mere reminder tt i had to work the nxt day in the morning. omg. tt tot totally...made me feel unhappy. and i felt like i shld just.. ignore all these shit. and shove 1 middle finger in their faces. grr sry but im very angst these days.. cuz of all the bad things tts happening.

k lastly..! sry bout the long whiny shits. i think i saw a shooting star flashing past earlier. so i made 2 wishes. hahah kinda greedy but... PLEASE MR SHOOTING STAR. fufill my wishes PLEASE. im alrdy sad enuf and u... please seeing u shld mean some gd fortune RIGHT?! pls fufill them pls. wif tt i shall... look forward to tml ok? shooting star. ive.. alrdy given up all hope and began to start trusting u. so... stop killing me. please.

right.. tts abt all. i guess? yea for now.. i shall update this post if smth new pops up

the final day.

today is the last day... that im gonna be relaxed for this season. tml and fri.. the biggest things are coming up. the life changing 2 days i guess. i'll jus hope for the best.pls. ive suffered so much. all im asking for isnt much. srsly. pls. at least let me haf them so my life will be smooth again.!!


i swear, ill show u more interesting stuffs if u let me pass this time ard. i will break these lame boring cycles of life. u wont regret it. SO pls. let ME PASS BOTH OF EM PLS.

well tt said, smth xtra to mention. yea my..dream again. good to know tt my heart didn stray off. its still dere and becoz im supposed to protect u..and i will continue to do so..for awhile.

every dream wif u in it is a sweet dream.:|

Dreams, equilibrium and wakeup.

Dreams
sometimes i wld just dream of tt thing which i really wanted to keep wif me. happy moments, ur face so close to mine, my wide smile. i guess it only happens in dreams, as i opened my eyes, i felt happy but,it was just for an instant, i recalled my reality. looking at the time, ive only slept for 30 min. haa weird isnt it. is it true tt i willl be able to see wad i really wanted in my mind in my dreams? i hope it is. i hope it reflects my true desire, and not jus a temporary want.

drinking makes me happy, makes me laugh easier. seems like a temporary relief of the emptiness inside this human shell, heh thus xplains the love for alcohol i guess. well but the downside of it was tt i need loads of slp the nxt day which is nt really ideal. haaha. so wad now, good or bad, depends on which i need den.

Equilibrium
so life is abt equilibrium: at least in this world. eating too much will make u feel bloated and ill, eating too little makes u feel hungry and weak. giving too much to tt person will make them feel annoyed and bothersome, giving too little make them feel tt u dont care. if u love everything abt a person u might feel tt she is too perfect for u and the inferiority sets in, by loving alot of her goodpoints and hating her bad points while accepting all of them tt human arent perfect creatures, u will den be able to love her properly and get back the equal amount.

heh. jus some random nonsense tt came to my mind ytd so i felt like writing down somewher. mayb it doesnt even make sense but oh well. mayb i willl edit it somehow, later. to make it more valid. equilibrium, equality, fairness, do they exists in all situations? welll well.

wakeup
last night i.. suddenly had this thought tt came to my mind. wtf haf i been thinking all this while. wad was i expecting in return. ive alrdy calculated tt the returns wldve been zero, but the amount tt im giving... has been slightly way too much. den i told myself tt i needa wake up. and yea this thought has occured far too many times, i guess its jus the logical side of me arguing wif my stupid side. well recently it always ends wif me seeing again and ahh "I remembered." and den i remained stupid so yea. i hope one day, the smarter me will win.. soon pls.

wake up.

still.

ignorance is bliss.

much as i want to know more, i guess a step back cldve been a step forward. doing smth else may calm my nerves down and i wont b too focused and lose my cool. the impt days are coming, i want.. things to go smoothly, after tt, while having nth to wry, i can move on to the nxt world. err not suicidal pls i love myself and i want to live forever. nxt world as in go into the real workforce.

Had lunch after circuit lesson today. Hm, I ate packet rice and drank some milk tea while sitting on a weird location. The walkway leading to the Mrt station. Haha happened to haf a ledge or smth for me to sit on, so I sat dere and had my lunch. Ppl stared but I didn look back. I'm totally plugged in and blasting some good music into my ears so I... Was temporarily in my own world.? Yea. Loved some srsly thinkin time. Wad was I thinking abt, I haf no idea but oh wells. Yup so after lunch, I decided to go home. For a sleep. Haha den I went out again for dinner. It was... Slightly too filling. But since the other person is happy, I.. Did my job.

Didn do anything much useful after tt so... Hahha tts it for now. I'm gonna talk abt some weird dreams I had in the nxt post yea. Some self reminder hahaha

someday.

haha someday.

i will no longer be anywher near ur life. someday, u wont even be in my memories. someday u will be rly happy wif somebdy else. and someday i will forget tt i once felt down bcoz of u.

hmm mayb when every1 is asleep and there is no one else to disturb me, im able to connect to myself better, my conscience, my inner thoughts, my wadever my brain i suppose. k disturb sounds kinda weird, lets rephrase it. hmm when im all by myself i tend to think abt myself way more than normal? nvm nt impt. haha felt tt the song lyrics was rly touching. and really ouch. yea ouch. kinda hurts and hahahaha. so yea kinda affected by it and its on repeat.

erm life's been normal? boring, empty, day by day im sleeping and playing game and yea nth much. rly wanted to go party this week but, yea.. dont think tts gonna happen. and theres this dumb fishing trip on sunday? i dont feel like going but sigh, cuz i cant rly bear to miss out on any activities tt might be interesting so.. oh wells. lets hope tt i can haf fun after all. i think it is true tt i aint got much more time left to lead this kind of carefree life. argh. jus thinnking of it makes me unhappy. grr.
eh hello. Look forward to tomorrow. mayb tomorrow is gonna be fun. nth special going on but, well mayb smth new might happen, mayb smth gd willl happen? and i will be able to b happy mayb? yea lets go to tomorrow.

cheers. heres to never growing up. k random nvm

today, i. still feel for u. 

but no. no cy dont be stupid.

paradox

i want to stay away, i want to get closer.
i want to forget u, i want to noe u better.
i want to leave, i dont want to let u go.
i want to start a new life, i dont want to readjust my life.

all these paradox, are driving me weird. i hope by august, i can completely settle down and take flight. i dont want any distractions tt may disturb my new life.

its okay. im doing..not rly fine but i shld be able to live on. ure the thing i swore to protect and i shall do it for as long as i can. heh same old dumb me.

Tt aside. Met up wif my frens few days ago, as usual some laughter, some jokes, some fun, lots of boredom. I wonder wads wrong wif me. But I will hang on, and keep this friendship going andd, be more sporting and enthusiasted in trying out new stuff. Heh. I.. Srsly hate waking up early, haf nth to do n end up sleepin in the daytime and I need to slp early at night cuz I needa wake up early. Zzz
Ohh. Wells. Life's like tt. I shall try to enjoy it since I don't think I can haf much of this life for long. meh. U.. Asshole.


cause I rmb-ed who I gave my heart to, tho I don't think u cld see it or ure simply ignoring it.

.

August

The month of relevation. Lets pls pls hope tt things will all turn out okayy. Please.!
Since July seems to b a sad mth for me as usual, August August. Lets look forward to it

I still do.

Curves

It's like 2 curves of opp signs.from infinitely far away,  Somehw we got closer but nv intersecting and den we continue moving in our own direction. Which is, sadly away frm one another yes a very mathematical way of explaining which.. Kinda applies LoL.!!

It do hurt, when, I see it widening, I make it widen, and u widen it further. Tt cycle of events tt all seem too familiar, I.. Didn wan tt. I wanted to step forward, but I don't think ill haf the courage to face rejection lol. so shld I...Slowly fade away.? Or shld I jus rip myself away. Or.. Or..? Wad a joke cy. Ure a joke.

I want u. But I can't go for u. Tt sux big time.

Ill try nt to keep whining. Okay.? Ok.

heartless.

life's been. pretty boring as usual. boring frens. boring job. boring life. but this boredom is actually kinda good in a sense. been learning hw to drive, think ive alr hit a rock wall, unable to realli progress further and i dont noe why. mayb im jus nt gd at it.

been lazy yea. but.. with tt much free time on hand, any1 wldve done the same. i guess, this time i alrdy found the answer. i wldnt rly wanna stay further, heh objective completed i guess. its nt deeply rooted in yet so i guess it aint hard to totally forget abt it, hmm jus like the previous ones=)
it hurts but. i think its bearable.

let it go cy.

am heartless now.