im fine, thank u

met up and hanged out with minhan for q a while jus now and were talking about our past lifes. lol like secondary, jc, uni... etc. thinking back, i've lacked courage for so many occasions and let so many things slipped past. and here i tot im a brave person, well i guess im just full of fear, full of indecisiveness.


perhaps it comes with age, like thinking back how different my life wld be if i did smth different then, hah it wld seem like my whole history wldve changed if my decision was different few years back. and yup ive talked bout this b4 but today is prolly the first time i actually talked to sme1 and gave it much more thought


went home and felt empty again, haha of coz with all the regrets trying to get me down and with no one there to make me feel better. Even tho i shldve been used to it by now but...lol i guess it still hurts no matter how many times it has been. nonetheless, its a cold world we're living in and i am pretty much the same as everybody else out there. so ive got to help myself up. ive gotta be pick myself up.




so here i am now. same old place. same old spot. but yup be positive, be thankful. im glad tt i haf such supportive family, im glad to haf supportive friends, im glad tt i had the strength to go through all these. it sucks but ill try my best to make it out of all these. and when it ends, ill smile. ill try my best to smile everyday and be a happy person.




-like this, another day passed. thoughts of u kept coming to my mind whenever im talking abt anything. tho....i shldve been glad tt i left u at tt spot, if not it cldve hurt so much more. n i do wonder wld u think of me at times too, wld u be reminded of us at those places tt we've been to tgt? if u do, I hope tt u wld do it with a smile, if so, I'll sincerely thank u. and ill oso work hard on my side so dont worry.


im fine. thank u.

the flip side.

lol. so there goes that opportunity. and i was thinking that this couldve been their goal from the start. how easy it must haf been, jus a few messages and u wld want me to change my mind?






well yes im desperate but... stilll, i duno. im afraid of making the wrong choices again. thus i decided to listen to the people around me this time. ill.. give it one more try. one more wait. even tho im really running on a short edge right abt now.


just as before, the end tt looked like its gonna be within my reach, suddenly disappeared into thin air. and then i haf to start all over again.


 lol nonetheless, ill be fine. im cy.


yea. time for a beer.

that ending.

perhaps i shldve been glad. perhaps i shldve cursed my fate, cursed whatever tt made things this way. but well, its a matter of perspective.
'hope' is something tt helps u move forward, thinking tt there is smth worth fighting for at the end of the tunnel. while at the same time, tt 'hope' could haf led u fighting for eons and then finally ending up at the same place where we started.
with all hope lost, we will stop moving in tt direction and thus able to focus on other stuff tt might've led to better returns. so i guess i shld be thankful tt the cold harsh fact was slapped into my face. TWICE. within this short span of time.


keep moving, keep fighting, keep climbing. tts my motto. but well, there are times wher i felt so low, felt so empty to the point where i forgot abt my motto totally.
at least for now, yes, knock me down. kick me. throw shit into my face. i wont give up. ill rise back up, and when i do, i wont forget those who were wif me, and those who werent. not tt im gonna kick u outta my life but ill keep u close to me. as the saying goes, keep ur frens close,and keep ur enemies closer. ill bring u sorrow tt u wld nv expect.


so yes. a little cliche but yup, to my family, thank u for being with me when im in this state, i will try my best to repay u ppl. and to those other ppl, :) be ready.


thank u and goodbye.

that push that pull.

same old same old. tried to be more constructive today but it didn seem to work.  its all in the mind they say, and it aint nice to feel a pull and then a push within such a short time frame. its like my brain's constantly being made a fool.


nonetheless, i shlve jus concentrated, as tt girl said, on whatever im doing and not bother about everything else. and as cy has explained, we only haf 2 hands, tt is only enuf to hold what rly mattered to us: it aint enuf to hold everything around us in place. do what we can, do what we needa do.


well interview's coming up and it seemed pretty bleak cuz... i jus dont haf enuf shit in me to puke out during interviews. lol im very bad at impressing ppl cuz im actually pretty honest out there. ill go for it tho, and... keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities out there. as for my torn and tatterred heart. i wonder why its starting to bother me after so many mths. perhaps i haf a limit too, perhaps i cant be cold as i wanted to be.


well i shld be happy? cuz the scenerio i planned for u worked out the way i wanted to. tho i didn planned tt i wldve been so down. but nonetheless. at least one of us are happy, so economically speaking, ive acheived efficiency.


as for me, ill continue to work hard.( i hope) and ill nv gif up and rot by the side of the road. till we meet again my heart, u rly needa stop getting in my way k thx.

here i am.

here. i am reminiscing bout the past. doing some reflections and stuff. of cuz ppl wld say we shld look forward and dont keep dwelling on the past. well i wld say tts pretty correct but of cuz, everything now, and everything in future is constructed by ur past. tts wad having past case studies and historical analysis is important, wif the gist of not commiting the same mistake again.


ive made mistakes. so many of em. even though, at tt point of time, ive made careful thoughts abt each choice, i felt tt they haf been so wrong.


however, u wld nv know? cuz even if i didn made tt choice then, smth worse cldve happened, and mayb, something greater wldve happen later despite the setback now.


nonetheless, i woke up thinking to myself today, its.. a public holiday, i wld rather spend my time feeling lonely tgt wif my parents rather than going out and making myself more lonely, and also my parents more lonely. heh, since other ppl seem to haf so much fun outside, it wld prolly make me feel worse if i was out there looking at them having fun isnt it?


i guess i chose this lonely path unknowingly, a few mths ago. i was so tired of hanging out with ppl and i tot i wanted alone time so much. i wanna be selfish n jus be on my own. but i guess im jus suffering the results of my decisions then, which....may not be wrong. cuz those connections with other ppl cld work both ways.
1) they cld be chains binding you to the ground and preventing u frm achieving ur goals.
2) they cld be motivations to keep u going even when the odds were against u


well yup it depends on urself ultimately but i guess i tend to be the kind who MIGHT give up everything jus to be wif tt person, and tt cld ultimately lead to my demise. so since im alone now, i can jus keep going forward and upwards. i hope.


so yea, even tho u're still constantly on my mind these days, i cant. i noe i wont be able get u back anyway, so might as well, try my best and get up there to find someone else.


i wont hate myself. i must not hate myself.

it's painful.

It hurts. Lol like my stomach's hurting like hell and I Sincerely hope tt it will go away soon. Nth much to update anw, and HAF loads of shit to do which I haven done. So tts bad.

Just wanted to say this, CY nv gives up. Cy hates losing. It may seem tt I gave up, but I'm jus taking a step back and will look for a Gd chance to step back into the game. Heh.tts how it goes. But wait it hurts arghf my stomach. Lol. Take care.. I'll come get the world after.... My stomach gets better.


Arghfs

bad.

just as i thought that the end is near, i realised tt its not near after all. i've to start over again and go round and round in circles. as if life wasnt hard enuf, i lost my spare wallet wif like abunch of money inside.-_- and i wasnt even drunk. wtf. i guess life jus hated the pure fact tt im trying hard to get up and jus hoped tt i will lie down there and cry and jus give up and stop trying.


or mayb life has something so great for me tt ive to go through ALLLLLLL these shit to get to it. tho frankly speaking. im thankful to haf parents who were willing to feed me with food and letting me leech em out for SOO bloody long. though i dont get to eat all them awesome food, i was made sure tt i wasnt hungry. so its awesome. im rly rly eager to repay em for everything but.... life jus didn wan me to yet. perhaps they are also being tested.


well ive dreamt of u again.and tts stupid. fking brain. y cant u gif me tt kind of feeling like 5 mths back, sighh well. as much as i tried to go out and haf fun. im jus getting more damaged instead of trying to heal myself. its tiring, its painful. its hard. but i guess ill live through since...im awesome heh.


its a saturday and ive spent it sleeping at home. how awesome. cy... how awesome.. and heres to a boring week ahead cuz... im running outta money. fuck me. lol

that girl.

perhaps i liked you the most since we've spent so much  time tgt. and... it was really really painful for me during tt point of time but. i guess nw, we're pretty much " okok frens" and perhaps tt ending aint too shabby. i rmb wad i liked abt u, being a random girl who had so much rubbish tt we cld talk abt. always not ashamed to express ur hunger. tt girl whom i wanted to protect so much, i guess she is not here anymore. wad i see now is someone else. just...someone else. its pretty boring listening to wad u had to say, and yea, perhaps u jus didn looked as pretty as b4. or mayb ive just had a change of heart.
WHICH IS PROBABLY GOOD cuz tt point of life was pretty bad since i had to drown all my emotions with sO much alcohol and hanging out and stuff. now i can rly say im not into u. anw thx for becoming tt way, since we aint meant for each other anyway.


so, nxt, ure pretty much just a name to me nowadays. even tho i rmb how i liked ur personality, how u tried to maintain a stoic face even tho ure burning inside. heh we're so similar and yet so different. but i guess it cldve been just a fleeting feeling frm tt moment. and i really wonder if my heart will still skip a beat for u and ive been wanting to find out. i duno, but i wanted the answer, even tho it may not turn out well, i still hoped tt i can make the ending slightly better and not having us becoming strangers.


lastly. well i was wrong. i think i liked u more than i thought i did. heh but its kinda weird tt we ended with this. lOl and well i dont blame u. im at fault after all lol. it wldve been great if u cldve acquired happiness, tho.. heh. its not gon be forever girl. when ure down and out again, come to me. ill probably still be waiting LOL. since im rly gonna start working towards my future. tt... seemed to be bleak, while at the same time hopeful. it didn end well as well lOL and yea. i wldve wanted it to end better. nonetheless perhaps i shld jus leave u alone for... a good amt of time and see how it goes? when i was finally ready to gif u happiness, ure no longer there. aint tt a joke? to think tt i will fall to tt level.


well nonetheless, i think i shldve pretty much got back on track. with loads of revising to do, loads of self improvement to do, tml shldve been my final party for this arc. and yea ill do well nxt time and not create anymore bad endings. as for those bad endings, im definitely gonna make it well. heh. stay tuned.

i tried.

i've tried hard enuf. i did wad i wanted to i guess. but perhaps it wasnt enuf, perhaps i shldn even do it at all and jus stay home and sucked on my thumb. i tried to haf fun outside and im able to forget abt stuff for like a few hours. perhaps tts good enuf.


i feel tt im back to normal. i feel tt i can go back to my previous lifestyle after wasting 2 weeks of precious studying time.


there are moments where i felt, fk it. i must go out and jus take anything given to me. stepping out is rly the hardest and most impt thing. but...den again i wld hear ppl telling me to dont take shits tts thrown to u. pick the right job. but its difficult since there's a specific job tt i wanna do, and the employers are also choosing me. its hard to find someone who wants me and i want them, just as love. haha.


i shld haf recovered. even tho i still feel sore and weak everywhere. i thnk i can walk now, smile now, enjoy the sun now. i must recover, i must become the object of envy, i must live up to my expectations and regain the power in my name.

A day

so today was like the first day tt Im actually working hard to get rid of my other lame feelings and it didn rly worked out.  Thoughts of u just kept popping up in my head,  Well. Surely I didn expect tt to happen but... Since it happened.. I can't help it.


talking to frens, hanging out with them, was slightly helpful heh but perhaps ill need more time? :)





and last night I was desperately finding replacements for u but nope, I realised no one can. or mayb jus no one wanted to. since im the kind who wld jus ignore ppl after i dont haf any use for them. lol.  I was broken when i met u but jus when i thought im ready and all better? u broke me again.


lol someday someone willl fix me up, but well till then ill try to do it myself.





Well. Tml's prolly gonna be a bad day but i gotta make it better as much as I guess I'm the only one in control of my tomorrow.


Heh. I nv knew how impt u are to me only after ure no longer in my reach. Ain't it ironically fked up? and now im like a whiny old little baby saying "come back come back". tt is so bloody stupid. hehe.

perhaps.

perhaps i cld move on frm there. it still kinda hurts but talking with ppl... kinda helps. esp... u noe? heh. well i... have been drinking since... last week? i guess my mind's only clear when i.. haf enuf alcohol in my body. few hours back i kept telling myself. " yea...  im gonnna be okay. yea i shld be able to move on soon." but of cuz there are moments where i told myself. " argh fk. i need somebody"


well.... i hope tt i cld move on of cuz. and.... yea.. i will work harder. I suppose what's left was jus... Regret, and the feeling of losing. Tt is why it's pushing me so far. I guess it's too late. I think I mght HAf had enuf alcohol. I'll......... Jus slp. Lol.

The only time I felt okay was when I was drinking and when I was sleeping.,other than tt, I felt pretty much like I'm not alive.

alternating.

im simply alternating between hope and despair. i said im okay. and the nxt moment im like fuck this. and then a while later, i told myself  "no bro..u gon be fine"


studying became so hard. and i can barely breathe normally. i guess its just tt kind of feeling again.. tt feeling ive alrdy experienced so many times, and i still cant get used to it. its.. a shame to let u go but... of cuz i will try to get u back. and of cuz. i must let u go if i cant get u back. pulling u anymore wldve been too much lol. not to mention tt ive alrdy crossed tt line so many times. but yea. one final push. i suppose.


well it depends on my mood too. heh =) ill need my frens. i need them to b with me. if not.. i supppose i might be too depressed and i wont be able to concentrate on anything. tt fking cfa staring at me too. argh.


what timing cy... if only u felt like this... 3 mths back? or mayb 4. fuck u like seriously dumb fker lol.

where am i.

so its tuesday. its been.. a week of mourning. heh. i wonder wad the hell is wrong with me. randomly started thinking of u. randomly getting ignored. randomly doing all sorts of stupid things. randomly feeling emo and losing momentum of everything i had.
havent been able to slp well these days so it sucked. and i cant seem to slp well w/o alcohol too. perhaps ive jus been making wrong choices...day by day. but nonetheless.. nobdy knows if it is wrong until someday in the future.


if fate brings us together again. be assured. this time. i wont let u go.


tt said... i sincerely hope tt i can get back to my schedule soon. i guess i need a new life routine so tt i dont feel so dead.


end of the day. fuck me.
and i hope these bad stuffs will be over soon. i want to smile and laugh like everyone else do. why did i not haf any of these rights.

The cy.

with the myraid of loserish emo lame posts these days rly got me thinking wad happened. So let's analyse this logically and try to make some science out of these.

I guess ive always thought tt someone would be there for me if I asked. TT u are still waiting for me. And well I almost forgot how long it has been and how I've treated u. And perhaps u're RLY disgusted wif me. Nonetheless, after a few months of concentrating on smth, and then I had to face a rly tough choice. I guess tts when I feel so stressed up coz tt decision cldve been life changing and thus I rly needed someone to talk to. Someone... I will feel comfortable wif, someone who will rly be happy for me if I did well. Someone like u. Hence I cldnt control myself any further. And TT is when I realised; nope, u don't gif no shit no more. I SHLDVE been cool abt it but well i guess it's jus tt these days, I'm feeling down and this adds to the damage perhaps.

So I'll try to be cool and say this, this is ur best chance girl, come claim it b4 I change my mind again.  Not tt u care but ok haha. I'm CY. I'm not the kind to just lose like this. I hated losing so damn much. And.. I've been losing so many times these days, and it's rly bringing me down.

So these days, I'll still try to live normally, I'll try to smile I'll try to joke, I'll try to make ppl laugh. As for u, I can only leave it to fate, chance, stats or Wadever tt will make u b reminded of me and wanted to U noe, try me out again.

If not, I'll jus keep living, try to accomplish my tasks and try to... Love again in future.
Annyeong.

temperamental

So it's an on and off thing. I said I'm gon be fine today, and tml Im jus gonna do things tt make me feel like a bloody loser. I suppose karma got the better of me. But well fuck me. Cuz I'm a fucked up bastArd. And I actually started asking help frm God. LoLs wad a joke I'm becoming.

Well nonetheless I feel pretty damaged now, but life still goes on. I've been living w/o u ppl for say...4-5 mths.? I shld get used to it.
I must get used to it, if not I don't see how I'm gonna make it out alive heh.

I've been strong for too long tt I forgot how to depend on others
I've been lonely for too long tt I forgot how warm a hug can be.

Foolish

well I promised myself and my FrEN tt I won't be texting u any further. But apparently, under the effect of some alcohol, heh. FK. I can't control myself too. I can pray I can hope I can promise, but sometimes my wishing to see u gets uncontrollable. I tot tt I won't ever be tt weak but apparently.. I've been pretty fucked up. Mayb I am the kind who wld regret decisions after all.

Of. Cuz I hoped tt u cld listen to all tt I wanted to say to u. Of Cuz I rly wanted to hang out wif u for... A pretty long amount of time. But, mayb I'll forget all Abt it tml, mayb I'll REMB this sadness for a year, mayb I will...jus continue to be a fked up piece of shit for very very long. But
I.. Do RMB every single thing abt us. I RMB everything abt u. I still wanna hang out wif u. For now. Heh. I'm sorry for everything, I wanna make up for it... Please... If there is a god.. Make her gimme a chance PLS.? This is for our sake, it's 2 ppl's happiness.


Nonetheless, if u, almighty decided otherwise, Ive tried my best. I... Will be okay... In a few mth or weeks... Or maybe a year.? Arghs fuck me.

logical.

hi today its the logical cy blogging.


hmm to catch up with my life, even tho ive been blogging, it has been those.. u noe, some lame stuff.
so...today ive made my choice, careerwise. as mentioned before... the highroad tt i was talking about. of cuz the risk is a little bit too high, but.. its smth tt i rly wanted to do. or at least try. perhaps it was too early, perhaps i shldn haf been so impatient and jus accept this conspicious job.


as the law of finance(self-proclaimed) stated, high risks comes with high returns. so, if i didn haf the courage to take tt risk, i.. wouldnt be moving forward. i may lose some things, but if  it goes well, i wld gain much more than anyone else did.


if it didn go well, i hafta say, i wldve gained some experience and u noe, i will simply.. continue my job hunt, and of coz prolly at the opportunity cost of a few thousand dollars.(like if i'd gotten a more proper job) ive gotta say, the experience will..bring me somewher. somewhere tt i rly wanted to go to.


ppl always say tt i didn noe what i want. tt is pretty untrue. i knew what i wanted. i wanted perfection. i wanted a risk-free + low skill requirement job while at the same time, high paying. tt wldve been anyone's ideal i guess. but the world jus wont spin it tt way.


so its fine. im...gonna go for it and den see how it goes? of cuz i hafta pray tt it will go towards the more ideal side.




okay tt is pretty much done abt updating abt my life. im prolly gonna list out a buncha stuff tt i didn blogged abt abt my past. so yea, u cld stop reading the below part since its jus some whiny shit. =)


hi annyeong. tt cy is back. the...u noe, weak one.


few mths ago, tt cy told me, if u wanna succeed, u hafta cut away all the distractions tt cldve stopped u frm achieving it. and hence, i...did. i didn noe if its worth it cuz, i dont think theres any equation tt cldve solved this properly.
i tried focusing on studying, i cut u off cuz of so many reasons. 1) i dont even noe if im even absorbing enuf. (2) Perhaps a motivation in life cldve helped me


no one noes the correct answer, only until its too late. perhaps i shldve been less strict. i shldnt try so hard to be god. after all, im still clad in this human flesh, and skin, and erm, u noe human heart. i duno. i dont know. sometimes smth will jolt my memory and ill start doing alot of things to bring back what i decided to throw away. tts stupid. but i guess its humane.
nonethelesss, when i cant bring it back, i.. lose heart, lose slp, lose will, lost almost everything tt kept me hanging. but i.. somehow lived through it.


a few days of drinking n emo-ing(pretty much on my own) and jus doing nth much at home prolly helped but... i cant guarantee u tt it wont happen again but at least now.. im probably able to control myself. protect u. frm. me.


this thought came to me these few days, here goes,
" im grateful tt u were there hanging out with me when i was down and out. entertaining my whimsical demands. trying ur best to accomodate to my unreasonableness and my uselessness and selfishness etc. however.. those days are over. now im so willing to give u back tenfold of what u tolerated. perhaps its too late. perhaps its not. i.. may never ever noe the answer but. know this, im.. thankful for all the fun and memories we made tgt. im thankful for ur efforts to make me happier.


and of cuz im sorry tt i pushed u away due to prolly my own selfishness. but. if ure happy now den its all okay. but of cuz. remember, u...cldve came back to me and i will give u nth but happiness this time, no less than anyone else cld gave u.


so tts tt. if u come back u will see. if u dont, ill haf to gif what i owed u to someone else. and tts pretty sad. goodbye. take care. sorry and thank u."




okay i hope after ive said all those, ill be able to move on. cuz... my life ( if nth fking sad happens) is gonna get exciting 2days frm now and i hope i wont haf the time to emo any longer.


so please. god. or wadever. please stop letting me experience sorrow. its... rly enuf please. im.. already way stronger than any other human. let. me. live. happily OKAY.?! _|_

tt irony.

well. ive been wanting to find my humanity back but. i guess i cant. i said i wanna leave, and im the only one who wanted to come back. why.


fking cy. wads wrong wif u. i rly dont uds ur course of actions. perhaps im jus prideful. perhaps theres some other reason but... nonetheless.. its gotta stop.


i cant do anything now. why. i dont know.it feels like im living but im not alive. i... wanna break out of this. if not my humanity is so gonna die off.


i am hopeful. i am strong. i must... endure. i will survive.






Part II
Had a good long talk wif Darek. I guess he reminded me of one thing. U were there when i was down and out. and I.. Pushed u away cuz I'm still in a state of fking mess. Now... I'm finally in a pretty much steady state but... Ure alr not there,  no matter how I called for u. Why.

Well if u've alr attained happiness whereby I'm not in the equation, fine. I'll... Wish u all the best I guess. Since tt is all I cldve done. If not, if ure still wandering ard out there, come to me, and claim UR just rewards. I... Loved u,






Haha. Wad a pathetic state i was in. Wake the FK up cy.



Oh btw this post was like edited 3-4 times at diff time intervals and thus the seemingly split in personality heh. But well I guess, a side of me seems so needy and the logical side of me was fighting hard to u noe, telling myself to stop being such a pussy. Hai. Tt Debate going on within my mind lol.




Haiii.