here i am.

here. i am reminiscing bout the past. doing some reflections and stuff. of cuz ppl wld say we shld look forward and dont keep dwelling on the past. well i wld say tts pretty correct but of cuz, everything now, and everything in future is constructed by ur past. tts wad having past case studies and historical analysis is important, wif the gist of not commiting the same mistake again.


ive made mistakes. so many of em. even though, at tt point of time, ive made careful thoughts abt each choice, i felt tt they haf been so wrong.


however, u wld nv know? cuz even if i didn made tt choice then, smth worse cldve happened, and mayb, something greater wldve happen later despite the setback now.


nonetheless, i woke up thinking to myself today, its.. a public holiday, i wld rather spend my time feeling lonely tgt wif my parents rather than going out and making myself more lonely, and also my parents more lonely. heh, since other ppl seem to haf so much fun outside, it wld prolly make me feel worse if i was out there looking at them having fun isnt it?


i guess i chose this lonely path unknowingly, a few mths ago. i was so tired of hanging out with ppl and i tot i wanted alone time so much. i wanna be selfish n jus be on my own. but i guess im jus suffering the results of my decisions then, which....may not be wrong. cuz those connections with other ppl cld work both ways.
1) they cld be chains binding you to the ground and preventing u frm achieving ur goals.
2) they cld be motivations to keep u going even when the odds were against u


well yup it depends on urself ultimately but i guess i tend to be the kind who MIGHT give up everything jus to be wif tt person, and tt cld ultimately lead to my demise. so since im alone now, i can jus keep going forward and upwards. i hope.


so yea, even tho u're still constantly on my mind these days, i cant. i noe i wont be able get u back anyway, so might as well, try my best and get up there to find someone else.


i wont hate myself. i must not hate myself.