do not forget.

so i tot ive almost forgotten. yea. it still echoes in my mind i guess.

i suppose dreams dont lie yea? but so wad abt it, im still gonna stay like this. and no pls. pull me away from these, i need to be alone. i need to...get thru all these. on my own.

pls jus stay away. im sry.

Why did it hurt.

Ok i completed my ippt and barely got the silver tt I wanted. Lol.. To think tt my fitness is not as gd as before. I sincerely wonder if it is bcoz of my recent lack of exercise or issit bcoz of.. U noe... Age. :\. Nonetheless, it's pretty much a wake up call for me to continue working out and not let my body deteoriorate further. Yea

So it hurts. My body tt is. -_- I uds if my thighs hurt coz I've nt ran such distance wif such pressure fr a while, but.. I don't uds why my abs and my arms hurt as well. Wads wrong like srsly. But argh, I'll recover soon I guess.

So it's been... A week or so.? Or a few days. It felt damn long, but ugh. It's gonna be fine, the starting is always the hardest. So...i rly wanted to ask Wher are u nw, wad are u doing, how do u feel now but i cant do it so... ok. Ok stop it cy. Focus on ur studies cy.

Kk recently... I've had like random memories coming back to me. Namely those things I did,those words I've said. It felt rly stupid, I guess tts jus me, jus saying things at the spur of the moment, and den regretting it later. I always think abt how different my life wldve been now if I didn fail. My staying for one year, was the things tt I got in return worth tt 1 year of my life.? Of cuz Ppl wld feel regretful but.. I don't suppose regretting helps, and I don't think tt if given another chance, I wldn do wad I did. I'm me after all, caught up in the moment, caught up in ur smile. Lol.

I guess ill most likely regret wad I wrote now and edit it again later lol so yea

Kk and the bro is back. like yay? lol i didn feel much when he aint home and i didn rly feel much when i realised tt he's back either. LOL but well we're still able to chat like normally so its not like i dont like him or wadever ok. YEa so.. its prolly nice to haf more ppl in da house so my mum will feel happier? haha

so finally, im a rly disgusting monster.pls stay away frm me. for now.

Humanity

I rly don't know wad I am now. Well I'm drawn more and more into things tt... I shldn be doing by common sense. But argh, I can barely control my body. It's like my body is starting to convince my brain more and more and more than my brain controlling my body.

I became pretty vulgar. Mayb abt my erms, jc level.? And I don't like tt. To think tt I used 5 yrs.? To achieve my non-vulgar conversations. Yea it seeped out slowly cuz of all the bad things tt happened to me. But still no no no, I'm must hold it back in.

The only one whom I kept my humanity wif is no longer ard. While I wonder wad I'm doing here, i guess it's rly just for the cold hard cash and... I don't need to be a nice person to get tt.


meh. Must study.

cry cry

i cant cry. as in phyically i cant cry. i wonder if its bcoz of the fact tt ive subconsciously forbade myself frm doing so or for wadever reasons. i cant do it.

i didn feel anything special at first, at least well, its an expected event so.. i jus smiled. since its smth tts to my favour but well after a while... it struck me. the feeling tt i'll lose it for good, its... never gonna be the same again. nt anymore. so yea, perhaps tt wldve been the last time i go crazy for u. thinking tt our worlds are no longer gonna intersect anymore made me kinda... sad. but well, tts life. ppl come and go. i tried my best but things didn work out, so yea at least i tried.

nope. i'll be fine frm now onwards. i will. try to live happily again. i will try to look for smth tt cld replace u.

Just a yesterday's idiocy. thanks for the memories.

ill try to remember them for as much as i can, everything. so long =)

Contradiction.

Now I want to live peacefully. Not having to rush between schedules, sleeping more than I shld and still haf plenty of time, being able to wear all my nice clothes tt I've bought seems to be the most desirable thing to me at the moment.

Studying, even if my progress is kinda slow now, at least I'm doing smth. Which I didn think I did last year, let's hope for the best yea.? Haha need to pick up the pace soon. Freedom seems so appealing, while at the same time I guess tts nt rly wad I wanted. Hmm let's see, I guess I wanted a change in life, just... A change, a break out of the normal routine life tt I've had for so long. As long as I'm not doing the same thing it's fine.:)

So I've spent like a bunch of money on clothings..AGAIN.-_- lol jus as I was contemplating as to whether I shld buy anything at all, the nxt moment I can't stop myself frm buying things. Bah. Jus as how I tried my best to ignore it, the nxt moment I can't help my body again. These contradictory behaviors... I... Needa take note of it. 

Well den, cheers to the new life... Tt shld be awaiting for me.!

Realization

I cld say I'm pretty much erms fine.? Mayb not but I guess nth special is threatening my life so yea. I'm almost forgot abt it but it suddenly occurred to me, I'm still me, I'm still... Yea but as wad I've told my fren, if u can't get it, wads e point of suffering alone at night, wads the point of doing stupid things and regretting right after. Hhaa, preaching is easy, giving the model answer is ez. If only our brains haf this ability to u noe, switch off to all these emotions, humans wld probably be able to soar to greater heights.

Wanted to study last night but body won't listen to brain. Ahhaa thus I'm actually gg out at like 5 plus to study b4 work. Lol this final attempt, I sincerely hope tt it will be fruitful hhah, nonetheless, breakfast first.!~

Heh heh, so apparently I'm continuing this entry at the end of the day. Yes I studies abit b4 I got to work, went on and got bz and stuff till late night .? Haha I'm probably having a dual personality, like in the day I'm actually pretty optimistic and motivated to do productive things. At night, I wld be gloomy and I simply wanna jus don't gif a flying French. Alright, don't gif a flying fk* abt anything and jus go to bed. Argh. anw I did some studying today so.. It's nice.

My frens seems pretty interested in meeting up tml, I wonder wads driving them. We jus met up like 2weeks ago and I don't think we've got SOOOooo much to talk abt jus for this 2 weeks. and I bet they're gonna ask me wad I did for new yr and shit, and yea, they'll gif me the ' wtf '. -_-
So I'm nt tt keen to meeting up but.... It seemed pretty obligatory. Yup. Tt sucked.

Anw, if u ain't feeling happy, or if u ever need someone to talk to... I'm always here, ever willing to listen to ur life stories. But meh. :|

here comes the rain.

went down to buy some groceries.? lol nt rly but it's jus some food tt might come in handy when i skip my breakfast frm home.

well well life life! Life's been erm pretty neutral atm. and the rain had to come down the moment i went out. Anw I wonder if its cause of my age or smth, i tend to.. lol.. want to bother wif my family more. or mayb its cause my bro aint ard, or mayb yes, they are slowly slowly moving out one by one, getting married and forming their own family which in a way its nice cuz im enjoy more freedom and of cuz the space but well i guess my parents may not feel the same. tts y i felt the need to spend more time wif them, u noe, including my brother's share.

now tt i think of it, im.. pretty much not at home last yr.. and mayb even this year, like ill reach home late and jus slp, den prolly jus wake up for sch or work and go out. And the cycle repeats. haha. sadly they arent nocturnal like me so... i guess they can only enjoy my sleeping posture, or my empty room. hahahaha.

work seems pretty much more chill. not having to explain things to ppl and all. jus making ppl do things my way seems very... appealing to me. and when ppl do shit.. ill jus cover it up and yea, if its within my capabilities, and i wont bother trying to correct them cuz i dont think they gon learn anw. teh heh. i guess i can like this kind of worklife but... uh.. its pretty much ending lol. so wads left is... some major cleaning up, to prevent ppl frm tryin to find faults.

uhh yes. the rain
the light gentle drizzle tt fell upon my body, triggers the memories tt ive placed at the back of my mind. nw tt i think abt it, i no longer feel sorrow, i no longer feel bitter. i smiled, for i think ive learnt alot frm u. tt i can actually get used to a life w/o u. life still sucks but, its no longer becuz of u so, i guess its better? lol ill still look forward to seeing u again, i wld love to see how much uve grown up since then and yea, i hope ill be able to be a better person when tt time comes and u will be happy for me.

its..not painful if i dont touch it so yea.

alright i must study and spend time at home lol!. tts the plan, lets go

Get a grip

Well yea the first half of my today was pretty much.. Hazy. As in my brain is hazy and not the actual weather. Cooked instant noodles in the middle of the night which was quite, unhealthy. Was originally preparing for a round 2 of celebration but I chose to be kinder to my body instead. Hmm so my new year countdown was pretty much not very spectacular. Had some peranakan food which actually tasted better than my expectations. come to think of it, I've been q adventurous these days, tried a pretty nice Thai food few days ago as well, hahaha nt much of a fan of these kind of southeast Asian style of food cuz most of e time they're pretty spicy. K wher was I. Impromptu trips are rly rly bad especially for these kind of special occasions, cuz we can expect crowds at all those nice places. All tts left is the remote areas which ppl won't rly visit. Constantly thinking abt wad to do nxt, wher to go. we're a bunch of uninteresting ppl after all, so there's rly rly nth much to do. So, we decided to go for an adventurous night walk up the bukit Timah hill.

I noe tt everyone wld be like "wtf". yea if I'm not there, I wldve said tt as well. Cuz it's rly ridiculous to do smth like tt to begin wif. And wads more.. At night.? On New Year's Eve.? U mus be kidding me. But yes we went. It was kinda refreshing cuz it's rly rly rly dark and we actually saw fireflies. lol which i tot didn exist in singapore. My frens said tt they were slightly afraid at first, but they managed to overcome their fear and just moved forward. Talked abt how we were gonna get killed or slip and fall to our deaths on the way up and it feels kinda interesting. Well well I don't think tt anyone believed me but.. I don't feel much fear, cuz firstly, I'm not alone and well it's just a forest trail after all. In fact I'm feeling more excited than normal, I'm actually smiling but I don't think anyone can see. Hahah it feels kind good to be in this kind of darkness wher I don't haf to pretend to smile, don't haf to think about how I shld behave, how I shld react to ppl's words. All I haf to care abt is moving forward and yea survive. Hahaha some prehistoric men's way of thinking.

It's q a stress reliever I suppose, cuz as we grow more and more into integrating wif this society, having to face ppl everyday, we haf to care abt how we carry ourselves and how we shld appear in front of the public. Uhh tho it's a norm for ppl to do tt, we do get sick of it once in a while. Yea so even if it's momentarily, a break frm it felt pretty refreshing. Not to mention the weariness on my legs, we made it to the summit tho, I don't think anyone of us regretted tt decision to go up there. Haha refreshing air , silent environment, ah, not forgetting the darkness. Haha gathered round and shared our new year  resolutions and talked abt how to achieve each of our goals. Not for me tho. Hahah nv believed in tt. The trip down was pretty relaxed since it's downhill anw. Went back to the vehicle and continued thinking of wad to do.

Haha nonetheless we managed to find a weird place to chill and even managed to catch some fireworks. Even tho there were much less of us left who wanted to get together for new year, I'm kinda glad tt we're somewhat still tgt. Uh. So... Yup I confessed tt I actually wanted to jus pangseh them midway and head down to town for a party. Haha tts my character after all. But well I managed to stick wif em all the way.

I guess all of us had this same goal for nxt year. "I'm gonna freaking haf an awesome new year countdown nxt year,Ill nv ever haf the same as this year's lame ass gathering again."


Lastly. I rly shld get a grip. The holiday season is over. Time to get moving. Come along if u want to, I'm going ahead wif or w/o u. I'm cy. I've drifted too far frm my original self for too darn long. Time to get back into the game.

Ending

I'm tryin hard to recall. Did I do anything wrong? Or Izit because tt I'm jus hateful. Or Izit bcoz of the fact tt some1 has been telling u some awful stuff abt me. Or mayb it's jus my false assumption.

I did wad was rightful, I was jus being selfish and I want to haf a more relaxed life tts all, I totally don't haf other intentions. Don't read too deep into tt.
My reason was pure and simple, it's jus another perspective, tt person is unwilling to reason things out. And I'm q sure tt she will tell u ppl half facts and make me sound ridiculous, but nope, my reason was solid, but my main objective... Heh no one noes but ya, it's pure and simple as well.
Am I hateful? Perhaps. I'm rly sry abt tt cuz sometimes I hate myself too. The enemy of ur enemy is ur fren, so there shld be a side of me tt u wld like heh. Hai...
I don't think tt Ive made the wrong assumption tho, cuz I'm generally 2-3 times more sensitive to this kind of things than normal ppl. But perhaps ure jus in a foul mood, perhaps ure just tired. Perhaps I'm jus guilty conscious.

Ahh tts enuf. Ill jus let it flow. And see how things goes.
I'll briefly roughly talk abt 2013? Haha since I tot it's a must to talk abt the past yr and do reflections on it on e first day of the year.

This yr felt abit.. Vague. Cuz I gues I've been pretty much drunk and rushing  through life for the first quarter of the year.
Work sch drink play slp. And yea trying to cramp 1 year worth of studies into 2-3 weeks worth of reading thru. I mus be joking. And yea there's been a lot of down times for me. Failing twice for driving didn help either, tt money, tt effort, tt disappointment, the thought of giving up as I failed even when I rly tried my best. The shameful results tt made me unable to raise my head again, living in a world of fabricated lies. It felt.. Horrible.

So yea 2013, bad bad bad. Ahh. But yea living thru it means there's still hope. These kind of things helped me to noe myself better, it reminded myself tt I can fail too and also Things don't always happen according to my plans.

Nxt, looking forward, I shall be more selfish, while at the same time care more for the impt ppl, stop being an arrogant prick. And I'll work hard on erm.. My sleepiness. 2014, let's go.