Bring me back to life.

I wanted to find someone to have dinner tgt. I cant seem to find a suitable candidate. the year is ending and I wanted to do smth special, just... smth... but nope I cant think of anything interesting to do.

Had I forgotten how to live due to the fact tt I'm in night shift? I think not. I think ive forgotten how to live since I decided to leave. I mean, its sad but I'm supposed to have a better life but I'm not, and this is bullshit.

Will do a year end review... on 31st Dec since I think ive got a lot of time heh. anw yea I must not feel like this when the new year comes. I must find back my way of life, as a human, and not just being stucked in this endless cycle of regret.

if we ever meet again

If we ever, ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
If we ever meet again
I won't let you go away


would I? I don't know. but one thing tt is definite is that, I'll never be the same. So would you.

Why not we just put down our pride and come together again.

ok fine. we'll just keep revolving our own life until fate bring us tgt again, that story would've been more beautiful, and perhaps less painful.

yea ok lets do tt.

I've forgotten

was just walking ard looking for breakfast. And after breakfast I'll go and slp, after tt I'll jus wake up for lunch, den take an afternoon nap. And I'll have dinner b4 gg for work after.

I mean tts been my routine for a couple of weeks now, and I've got 2 weeks more to go. Well I was suddenly in the state of mind whereby I'd stopped thinking abt my other human needs, like a hobby, social life, etc. I think I've even forgotten tt I'm a human, I'm just a being who is capable of working in a call centre and working in the night shift, yea, tts all I rmb.

I Guess I will try my best to get back to being a human.. After this is over, if it ever will.

un appreciated.

be it relationship with other human beings, be it work related. I'm always unappreciated for all the efforts I'd put in.

this is sincerely depressing. is it because I am srsly not good enuf or, simply, unappreciated.

ahh.. effort, appreciation... if the equation does not balance, nature will find its way to make sure that it is balanced, since appreciation from others is harder to increase, the easiest thing to decrease would have been the effort put in.

ahhhhhh...



anw tt aside, I've been thinking abt... life? frens? heh, ive been hanging out with frens, laughing/pretending to laugh. am I happy? I don't know. its been a rly long while wher I cld laugh out rly happily w/o the influence of alcohol to the point where I don't even know how to anymore.

life. life.

the wedding.

went for a wedding again. well, didn get drunk today, which is a good thing but I guess ive got back quite abit of feels today.

 Feels.... Feels... well I don't think I wanna go into details today.


I am no longer that boy you knew, you are no longer that girl I thought I knew.

U no longer know me, I don't know u either.

when u rly get married shortly later, I wont be invited, but still, I'll wish u all the best, from the bottom of my heart.

sry I lied but ok. please be happy ok? and may our paths... nv cross again.

the void.

ive got this void inside. I guess I'm not the only one but I've yet been able to fill it since... how many years ago.

I mean, as far as I can recall, the void in me had been there since just before me entering uni? which was like 6 years ago I'm assuming. smth had felt so off but I was unable to identify tt then... until someone provided me with the correct term to describe it; empty.

Yes. i'd been hanging out with 'frens', widening my social circle, narrowing my social circle, trying to have fun as much as I can, spent a lot of time and money on stuff. Sometimes I was able to forget the emptiness, but as I reached home and lay on my bed, I remembered that I'm still empty.

I wonder if I wld ever be able to fill that hole, perhaps doing meaningful things in life would help filling it, like, u know, having a hobby, helping other ppl in life etc etc. but what exactly are MY meaningful things. I do noe that different ppl would view different things as meaningful. drinking? hanging out with real frens? hanging out with family? travelling to different countries to see a different world? heh. nope. I still cant get an answer from all these activities which i'd done.

argh I wld love to fill that void up soon. like... srsly. and if possible, fill other ppl's void as well.

realisation.

when u realized that ppl are so not interested in you. when, you tot you scored pretty well in other ppl's scoreboard but in fact you're nth.

how many times has it been, where I tot I did pretty ok but in the end, I jus fked up. I guess I'm just shitty tts why. and I sincerely wonder wher did all those self confidence came from. =|

so yea, had tried to visit starbucks a couple of times to study, in hope to see some familiar faces or smth to u know, try to reminisce the past.
but well, it is not only until 2 days ago tt I realized that I... am not looking for familiar faces. I am just waiting for u. heh. following the lead which I had 2 years ago, I thought if I kept gg there, I might just bump into you, and u know, perhaps we can jus get in touch again.

well yes, realization that the probability of tt happening is rly low, and even if in the minute chance that we happen to meet, would u jus walk away? would u sit down and jus chat like before? I don't know, good chance that u wld pretend u didn see me and jus walk away tho. lol

so yup, ive gotta let go of everything in the past. I gotta man up and be someone new, someone I wanted to become.

Our times.? wow.

managed to catch tt movie online. yay :) and watching it on a weekday is pretty.... bad I guess. haha given tt I was captured into that movie's story line and all.

Ok so the movie's like this girl likes this guy and this guy likes this girl but they didn dare to say it out, and heck they ended up missing one another for years and then they somehow magically met again with sort of like a happily ever after ending.

Sets me thinking, like seriously, the probability of such coincidence happening is so minute. So many ppl forgets abt the person they 'loved' during school years and moves on in life. Even if u meet with him/her after years of no contact and all,(1) what's the probability tt tt person is still single and available (2) the person u knew is no longer there ( character wise) he/she's gonna become a stranger and there's a gd chance tt u will think tt "I Guess I no longer feel anything for her" not to add on how awkward it's gonna be after so many years of not meeting lol.


It'd been a couple of days had passed so I had tried my best to put my feelings into words but ok tts pretty much all I'd felt about the whole storyline and all.


Tt aside I was thinking to myself. Seems tt I had worked so hard tt I've forgotten how to live. How to interact with ppl outside work. In addition, have I changed.? Have I changed much.? If I had the chance to meet u ppl again, can u recognise me.? I don't know. I no longer know anything anymore. But nxt week I'm on a short break so.. Hell yeah.*:)

Giving up.

Have I mentioned about how hard it is to make a choice between giving up and trying harder? It's rly pretty eAsy to just say "I give up, this is impossible". It's prolly not a good thing but as we gain more knowledge and experience, its really easy to say "hey, this is not gonna work. we shouldn even try"

I just lost like the opportunity to.... you noe, get to know someone new, due to whatever the reason. I guess I didn have the guts to try, I don't have the courage to approach cuz I worry abt this and that. too many a times I didn even try, telling myself tt its not gonna work even if I try anw. but ah.. anw. nobdy know if tt is a good thing or a bad thing.


I simply sucked. I just lost tt chance again.

I don't even know you, so y am I missing you.=.=\

the villain.

funny how we were in the same place but we've never met. funny how I missed you but u didn know that.



i don't know if this is considered a bad thing but, i sparked the dead attraction in you whereby i do not intend to be responsible for.

I'm slowly slipping into becoming the villain. I'm consumed by hatred, by life, by the unfairness, such tt i wanted to hurt someone else in return. it is not the right thing but it is a natural thing to do.

Hurt or be hurt. which party would you prefer to be.
.

Connected.

Saw an insta post abt a fren of mine whom u know, fulfilled his dream after a year. Time... Had passed by pretty okayly and it jus prompted me to recall "wad was I thinking of/ what was I doing last year??"

Last year I believe I'm still unemployed. Self wallowing in my own sorrow created by myself. I don't know wad tt was for but yea, was drowning in beer and Low self-esteem? Ego.? Yea trying my best to get out of the situation on my own while cursing at my own wretched fate. So one year later, here I am. Still cursing at my own life, unsatisfied with the current status. Is this normal.? For human to constantly hate his current situation? Perhaps it's good as u know, unsatisfactory brings about change, change brings about improvement and yea.

Anw, if someone were to ask me if I missed anything from the past, I believe it would be ppl. Ppl who were pure and nice to talk to. Who sincerely would listen and share their life with me, now tt I think abt it... I don't think I have anyone who's like tt left. Tts kinda sad don't u think.? Mayb tts part of growing up, or mayb it's just me being not willing to pour my heart out to other ppl. But well yea, if only those ppl are still ard me, who will still be willing to listen to all the shit I've swallowed, perhaps I'll be happier.

If this is part of growing up I'll accept it. I don't think I'll die from it so... Let's leave it tt way then.
Yeah:))


It'd became a bad habit of mine to want to know how ur life is. I just refused to break the last bit of thin hanging thread connecting u to me. I mean, jus being able to know how ur life is kinda comfort me, even if it's just a little. This won't last forever I know, but I hope by tt time when all the threads break, I wldve been able to find another form of comfort.

If you.

"If you’re struggling like I am
Can’t we make things a little easier?
I should’ve treated you better when I had you"



I am struggling every single day. Praying tt every day can pass by smoothly. Friday had been so had to reach these days and weekdays seemed so dreadful. 

Should have studied but.. u know... life.

I'm living like an empty shell, I go out but I'm not enjoying. I don't know. what else should I do to be happy. :|

Still. Daydreamingg

So what am I doing. Work. Work. And work.

I work hard. I try hard. I'm at the same spot.
I crave for a wider social circle, I wanted to meet more ppl. I'm still the same.

nths new now and I've gotten myself sometime for day dreaming.

Was just thinking, how different am i compared to the me last year. How different am I now if ur eyes. I don't know, I nv will.

I was jus thinking if things hadn't went south, wad wld we be like right nw. Will u be here beside me ranting about all the shit in life.? Wld I be willing to listen to all ur problems like before.?

I don't know, i wld rly want to try u know, it wld feel so much like a time travel and of cuz, having u by my side wld prolly make me stronger. But well, wad tt gives u strength also becomes ur weakness. No one wld be able to say which choice is better, but I can only go this way now. Since things are alr like this, its alrdy way beyond my control.


Look forward, sigh & look back, den keep moving. Cause history is the best teacher sometimes. So yea, jus thinking. Tml I'll go back to become the work maniac tt I always had been

Fault.

Phew. It's another Friday finally. Here I am, all alone in a cafe waiting for time to pass. I don't know, I mean, it's my fault tt I'm all alone.

Well I can blame life for being unfair, I can blame myself for being such an uninteresting person tt ppl won't wanna hang out with me. But it won't change a thing.

Blame it on myself for being a fked up person yea.?

K.

This hatred.

Being kinda angst today. Well... What's the reason for being angst, simply because there's nth much for me to be happy about anw.
Mood became kinda foul as the first thing I see in the morning is some bitch skipping work, well can't rly blame her anw, since she's leaving soon. The hatred shld be targetted towards the other bitch who didn't take prompt action to actually help us, so yea. And tt same asshole jus threw some additional shit for me to do. Gosh. She's gotta be kidding me.

Well. This hatred.. Perhaps the ultimate owner of my hatred, is myself.
Cause I'm the one who didn try to keep u.
Cause I'm the one who didn try to get you.
Cause I'm the one who didn work hard enuf to get better grades.
Cause I'm the one who didn prepare myself for interviews.
Cause I'm the one who chose this job.

So yeah. I Guess I jus hate myself, more than anything else.

No Heart for this.(distrator)

Yes I know there ain't a word distractor, or is there.? Anw, I think I'd been trying and trying and trying to write an entry of tt title since... Couple of weeks ago I Guess. And it didn't happen, jus cause my bro always had to pop by and disrupt my {soul searching} my {me} time.

Yea. So tts wad happened.. For bout,3 times.? Right. Anw perhaps it's gd tt I didn write anything here since whenever I'm writing an entry here, it's most likely abt smth sad. Hah. Nonetheless, yea so here's one entry tt doesn't contain much emotions. In fact, it doesn't rly contain any contents as well.

Heh. Right. So let's jus sum it up as I'm still alive and kicking and... Tho life kinda sucked right now, I'll live through it

to believe in love.

people told me to believe in love. believe that even I will see it one day. have... I ever? I aint too sure tho haha. I mean physical attraction yea but love.. perhaps nope ya.

I mean, it seems that everyone else were able to experience love but me, and why is that so. I think I'm not much different than the others. in fact I would like to think tt I'm nt all tt bad loL. but wells. how can I believe in something which I don't even see. perhaps this lovey lovey thing is created by a computer matrix and all "living things" that I'm seeing right now are simply programs or rather a created image to see how I would react to different situations. and heck my main body is actually in another dimension ,sleeping.

well I extracted tt above from the movie :"Matrix" lol, haha its a really crazy movie tt actually....kinda screws its viewers in their mind.

ah.. well pardon my random rants, simply needed to write something here to prevent brain from rotting off.

hmm yea anw, how... do u expect me to believe in love. when it only seems like smth that only other ppl have.

the change in myself

had intended to blog abt something but mind is in a blank.

perhaps the thing is that I noticed myself repeating the same mistakes over and over and over and over tt prolly kills attraction. haha but well I cant help being myself yea?

so tts wad I am like, a joker who goes randomly crazy and being nice to ppl while keeping a distance. trying to act all noble and all. ppl just don't notice my efforts and well the others always gets the good stuff. hahaa...... so wad am I supposed to do? if only I can jus change just like that.

ah. ran outta stuff to write about... will be back later to update if possible lol

dashed (the end of dreams)

my bday is over. and as i'd expected, it was neither good nor bad. ok minus away the presents that were totally not in my wishlist..... ah, I shldn be such a dick and rly go whine abt it yea? since it is the thought tt counts. but.. argh lol

anw it was kinda nice that I actually got a week of leave (even though im the one who applied for it and if there is someone to thank its actually myself lol) and I actually lived in a pretty chill life for a week.. which is nice as it seems tt ive been so tied down by work that I didn manage to do all the small little things that makes living living. lol if u noe wad I meant.

Am blogging from work now as im pretty darn bored doing night shift.

smth strange happened just now. my heart was downed. for a while. I guess I jus liked competition. I simply react when I realise that there is competition in which I shldn have reacted.

I suppose my heart shld have settled down right now as I.. sincerely wonder why did I even felt tt way jus now. Jealousy? Envy? I don't understand myself at all. I suppose im jus an incarnation of envy, I want wad other ppl want to have (or wad ppl already have) I feel satisfaction when I actually won in a competition but.. in many cases... I simply failed. pathetically. and perhaps tts y im always hurt.

perhaps I shld rly take note of this and actually shun away from competitions. haha tt wil prolly make me look less like a fool

sorry for actually.. u noe, making my heart flutter. ill try not to anymore.

celebration

after one week of leave and chilling and all... its my bday again!


so I was looking through last year's blogpost and these were the 3 wishes I made.
1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me

hmm, point 1... I guess I have a job now, tho it kinda sucked but, its kinda achieved (yay), meeting up with old frens... lemme jus list them,

ive met cj, Daniel, soonhwee, zongting,sJ.... perhaps tts all? lol I didn manage to meet all of them but oh yea I did met up with my uni OG grp ppl.. so I guess tts also a step forward?

point 2.... well yea.

point 3! okay, at least ive got a job and ive got my beer with me. so I suppose tts cool? uh of cuz shit still happens but... well yea. I'm CY.

mmm. quite a fair bit of shit happened, and ive jus gotten news this morning that my uncle jus... u noe... and its pretty sad cuz it happened so suddenly. and it rly set me thinking

1) ive had a dream this morning that.... u noe, I tot I heard his voice or smth and I tot to myself... "it cant be...its jus a dream" and then the nxt thing I knew, I got notified of tt news. well.. of cuz, scientifically, if the situation is not optimistic, then tt wld have happened with a great probability. and since there is a great probability of it happening, the fact tt it actually happened the way in which my brain expected it to is really normal and coincidental.

but of cuz, ppl cld argue tt "hey its supernatural" and all but... well there are insufficient proof for tt theory.

2) if I were the one in my cousin's shoes... how will I react. of cuz logically, the first thing would be the fking cost of the whole hospitalization. and secondly... connections with other human gives u strength , but it also brings u down when tt person is no longer present, so yea, ill most likely be down for quite a while and all argh.

we are only able to make objective and logical decisions when we are not emotionally attached to another individual. relationship with other ppl is actually a double edged sword u see.. it gives u strength to carry on in tough times when the other person is actually there for u but.... it rly brings u down if u are no longer able to have tt person with u.

so... what do u think? is it better to be connected to other human or not. do u believe if it is coincidence or izzit a supernatural happening.

nonetheless..... happy bday to me!! =))

tho its highly unlikely but can I jus pray for miracles to happen? since its my bday and all... I shall pray for the impossible and be hopeful for the day

lock em up.

went down the memory lane today, (kind of...?) went back to school and walked ard a little to check out what changed and what diddn.

did quite abit of thinking today, which is prolly...good? ive always wanted to go back to the days where the the fond memories were? but in fact... time had moved on, ppl did, so should I. how could I forget the times where things went downhill, how cld I jus say it with a straight face "Lets go back to those times again" while thinking that things will  get better.

hah. I'm such a joke while at the same time such a jerk. anyways, I shld be like everyone else and keep moving on. Memories are for us to recall and smile at, not for us to head towards. Keep moving, keep creating new memories, stop trying to turn back time. in this case, true happiness might be achievable. even for someone like me :)

still thankful for all the little lame things tt I am able to do due to this break. will try my best to live for the moment and enjoy every second of it. Even if ppl might feel tt I am wasting time.. well, they are free to haf their own perspective.

So do I.


lets lock up those memories in a place only I know, and... try not to look at it yea? yes.

wanderhate

well... its tentatively day 4? of my precious leave and wad did I spent it on.. hmm jus chilling off and attempting to study? tho its not very effective but... well at least it kinda feels tt I'm back in the game heh.

ppl often ask me, why did I chose to stay in Singapore despite having a week of off. well the answer is... I guess Ive got more than enuf things to do in Singapore such that I don't see a need to get the hell outta this place for now??

haha tho its kinda not fulfilling nowadays since... I aint got no more spare to use.. Ill make do yea? this will prevent me having to go thru the extra effort to cut off tt lady out of my life. so... this loneliness... ill make do with it for now??

anw yup. Ive still got a few more things to do.. time to take them all off my checklist. :)

"why does it seem like you're tryin so hard to be 'cool' ?? do u know that u're alrdy awesome jus the way u are. or rather, the way u were."

unfair.

started my day pretty lightly as I tried taking the "express bus" and argh, lets not talk abt it. lol its slow as shit.

anw had an awesome breakfast and things started going downhill. work related stuff jus cant get its ass outta my leave. and heck, its biting my ass tight for almost the whole day. sigh.

well, I'm kinda feeling better now that I've had some beer and all. that aside, lets... talk about today.

so I cut my hair, went out with my mother to explore that place in which she always wanted to explore, and ooh mmann.... seeing all those places reminds me of you, its funny isn't it? its been well over one freaking year and here I am reminiscing about the past, hmm saw many places in which you wld prolly go like "woaHhh" and feel happy about but now, I'm here, with my mum. damn. LOL

I kept thinking to myself that yes, I did the right thing but nonetheless, whenever I'm feeling so damn lonely, I can do nth but curse. To curse the god which I hated so much, what have I done to deserve this.

I.. only wanted to love someone why is it so hard.. for a person like me.

aw fk it. tonight I'm going crooked. :))

Infinite dream

Had a pretty, nice or bad dream.? it was about someone who was in my life long ago. the dream went smth like I happened to see u and u ran after me, and held me in ur arms.

then I had the same thought again. "should I stay with you for good? should I push you away? I am feeling happy now but will I regret my decision later??"

and I woke up.

yea, if I'm still having such doubts even after all these time, I believe that I rly did make the right choice then.
Nonetheless, I'm starting my 1 week leave effectively today

so yay: this marks the beginning of the 9days of life.

that XX

happened to chance upon this song, pretty interesting that is.
" How is that bastard better than me"

Hmm its been a pretty uneventful week which is nice, in which I'm rly hoping that it would've been like this all year long.
and woots, my bday is coming and I'm guessing that it will most likely end like how my every other bdays these years did. lol. hmm tt kinda sucked but... ill get by, whats new anw. lol

well unknowingly my bday is coming again soon, how time flies yeah? anw, I guesss it ill be fine. Just hope tt my heart goes strong and ill just um, live like normal =)


u didn't ask, u didn cared and so I didn't as well
\

the boy's brown hair

though it seems like nth, but well, I actually dyed my hair recently.

but I suppose it kinda have some meaning behind it. firstly, I've kept my black hair because,
(1) u guys haven't seen me having black hair before? heh. I seldom had black hair then.
(2) I am gonna start caring more about how I look. hah.

perhaps its a good sign, that I'm moving on forward more, I'm less attached to the past, nonetheless, I would always think of u ppl every now and then, but... I had already accepted the fact. accepted that its all over. long long long over.

so yup. cheers to tomorrow. cheers to the loads of shit tt I cant clear :)))

alma's karma.

so... what have I done today? hmmm went to coronation plaza to " attmpt studying" but... well its not very effective. Plus, I didn manage to see any erms ok, didn manage to see any familiar faces which kinda made tt trip a waste?? heh. so while I was outside, I looked at all those ppl hanging out, couples, friends everywhere. while I'm all by myself...what have I done to deserve this kind of solitude? was it because tt I'm not frenly by nature? was it because I actually cut off ppl whos not impt to me a couple of years back? well...I guess ive always did the right thing. so even if its caused by my,...... asssholeness, mmm ok fine ill admit tt its due to my fault. Right, so how can I ever solve it? how can I ever solve this problem?? by when?? LOL. I guess I don't have that many LONNGGG weekends to waste time like this. and argh, what am I gonna do for my bday this year. I don't think I have enuf time to make a difference now lol, less than a month left and by the way things are rolling, I can pretty much predict wads gon happen lol, nothing. gotta have to rot my ass away and emo-ing again. ZZZZ I suppose its just my karma, and its biting me in the ass right now. tho its hard at times like this, ill prevail. yes I will, well, I don't think I've seen anyone actually dying of boredom so its fine yea? anw good to know the truth, like haha don't like being not in the know u see. *heave ho*, lets go cy, time to kick some ass

lets not fall in love.

nth special, just a song, lets not fall in love. so many parts of the song described my thoughts back then.
" Actually, I’m a little scared, I’m sorry Let’s not make promises, you never know when tomorrow comes But I really mean it when I say I like you If I get attached to you, I’ll get sad"

in a sense this reminds me of the me previously but... well, I'm different now. I suppose. hahaha the barrier that I've set up ard me was so strong tt it actually worked rly well in terms of repelling ppl away from me. which is pretty nice as I think Ive successfully filtered out a lot of those superficial ppl who I wont need to keep in touch with? those who just acts sociable/friendly and all for the sake of acting like it. hah. reducing such contact actually makes reduce the negativity I have for this world in which im living in.

I guess ppl ard me feel tt I've lost interest in woman, since im always indifferent or rather, cold towards them. haha well not to worry tho, im very sure tt my sexual orientation is still.. very normal lol but well, its just tt im rly afraid of getting hurt. like wad was presented previously "if I get attached to you, ill get sad."
ahh..well well.


lets not fall in love.

feeling nothing

still feeling nothing. I suppose that is a good thing. for ive felt rly horrible previously, like rly rly horrible to the point whereby feeling nth right now seems to be some sort of mercy for my miserable life.


been feeling shitty whenever I had to go to work and always had issues where ppl felt tt my job is easy as shit. well.... I don't know, but if I aint the one doing it, I wldve thought so too. and now it is up to me to spring board out from this place whenever its possible. not tt I'm a quitter, but.... well, a man gotta aim high, and especially for a man like me who tend to bow down to emotions at times, I haf to work doubly hard such tt I wont stay in a place where I shldn be staying like before.( KAP)


yes. ive gotta keep improving myself, not jus the me at work, and also the me outside of work such tt I can climb up the ladder and one day be proud to announce my designation out loud.

as usual.

u noe my name, u dont know me.
i want you to know me, i dont want you to know me.
i want you to know my story, i dont want to tell you about me.


haha this contradiction, does anyone else face it? met up with my uni frens this evening, the group in which i've cut off for about a year or 2? hahaa well, as promised(to myself) ive somehow decided to join them in their outing this time around. awkwardly i just appeared, trying my best not to get myself into the spotlight of their q&a session.


well i guess i did quite a good job to appear unfriendly and unapproachable and all but well... tt wasnt wad i intended to do but..... okayyy.. it ended up tt way so ill jus take it.


seeing them again reminded me of the me a couple of months back, where i felt so fked up, where i had no cheek to meet other ppl. when i was such a letdown.


haha not tt im anything awesome now, but i suppose i shld stop hiding from other ppl? i shld have the courage to face other human beings and u noe, live like a normal person too.


today was pretty normal, still hoped that there would be ppl interested in knowing me, to the point whereby i wld be willing to drop the wall ive built. =)
the day will come, where someone would happen to try open the gate tt ive set up, and tt time comes, ill let her in, and she'll see the whole of me.


i promise.

feeling okay.

was feeling kinda okay. like normal. despite having ppl leaving here and there, theres not much emotions going on inside me.


Mayb its due to the fact that I've maintained my distance, mayb its cause of the fact tt im colder than b4. mayb mayb but its good tt i dont feel anything. for im rly sick of hurting.


this weekend's gonna be packed full of programs so, yup something to look forward to? yes weekend, im gonna claw my way over right now.

Sober

Being sober is hard for me
Being sober is the thing I hate most.


trying to escape the cycle of worklife that im stucked in. trying my best to escape from my reality. but well, its a circle, a mean cycle.
so where did i stop last time, ohh about a colleague leaving soon. haha, ive always told my frens that "hey dont wry, im gonna take it slow" cause i thought that time will be on my side. it came as a shock but it shouldn shake me much since i took the safe route. i chose to keep my distance anddd i guess it would have been the right choice. It may b an end, while it may have been a perfect opportunity as well. but nonetheless, i think tt it will all jus come to a naught and ill prolly be broken if i stepped in further.


its all pretty good right now? since it finally seems that i no longer cared for anyone else other than myself. Each time i cared about other ppl always resulted in me getting hurt and all. so... yup. thats good thats good.


im approaching my goal, to be an emotionless dude. im on my way.

i dont love you.

i dont, love you. i dont even... know you that well. so....i cant explain that hurt tt i am feeling right now. why.


perhaps i was jus caught by surprise, i..just thought tt i cld take it slow and all but.... heh
life.


it nv turns out the way we wanted.. i've always thought tt "yea ive still got time and all, ill take it slow. but argh, turns out, no, im outta time."


that kinda.. make me feel sad but.. lets... buck up cy. u promised urself not to haf a heart.

please stop.

please stop dreaming. please stop trying. please stop doing things tt u shldn do.


switching in between characters is soOooo.. one moment ill be doing this, and another im regretting that.


couple of lame stuff weighing my mind down. lots of things tt i shldn be bothered with is trying their best to bother me. ahh.life.




im gonna be fine, im gonna be fine, jus needed to just, dont concern myself with every single thing tt is happening around me.

life is never fair

am currently chilling and wasting my time away in starbucks. theoretically am supposed to study and u noe, make my weekend so god damn productive, until i realised that i forgot to bring along my financial calculator. lol.....=_= well nonetheless, will prolly continue when i get home,

going backwards, came down to study on thur as well, but was mega distracted by all the thingies hanging ard me. haha was just seeing how all these people always hang out in pairs makes me kinda uncomfortable. well i dont know, i kept thinking abt how life has been unfair and how i shld have been able to be with someone i'd love and be all so happy and all. uhhh in a sense i can say i chose this life. but to be honest, i jus didn manage to meet someone who is worth me giving up all my freedom for( and would give up hers for me) LOL,. thats the harsh truth.

perhaps someday i just might get lucky, perhaps someday i might jus give in to desperation, perhaps, i'd jus live and die alone. nobody knows wad future has for us so... i suppose i shld jus keep living like this, and jus... wait? okok
Love is but overrated, to be precise, its simply... nature. You're attracted to someone goodlooking, smart, well-built, strong,perhaps..err wealthy? its natural selection at its best, those with better genes were able to reproduce, (wealth will prolly add to the factor? since wealth can be passed on to the nxt generation lol) its all natural for humans, as a living species to desire evolution. with the better genes passed on, and the lower quality genes to die off, whats left will be a next generation of better species, smarter, stronger, wealthier? human beings.

hahahah all those strange thoughts crowding my mind. well well, tts a good way to let my mind getaway from all those work related stuff anw. :))

heave ho. going back to study.


we came to this world alone, and will most probably leave this world alone too. So why do we work so hard to connect to other people and search so hard for "another half"? i dont have the answers now, perhaps ill be able to answer this mystery and help other people understand too.

false.

i was foolish to believe that i might be able to obtain happiness if i'd tried abit harder. i was a fool to think tt hey, i can try getting to know u better and perhaps.. u noe, lol.


but well well, i guess i shldn even try. the feeling of trying and failing is rly suffocating. I think i've had more that enuf of such experiences. its rly rly horrible. well mistakes made, move on, stop trying to u noe, correct the mistakes. its nv gonna work. it didn work back then and im sure as hell it wont work now either.


take heed to what i am saying CY, love yourself. stop trying to get love from others. this way, i wont be hurt, and well, its better off tt way.

nomu bogo shippo

hey yall, its friday again, and here i am, sippin on them beer chilling my night away. i duno, if this is the "right" thing to do as u noe, after u grow up, the words "right" and "wrong" becomes quite....subjective.


it appears tt nth is definitely "Right" anymore. every "Right" decision always come with some "wrong" factors and vice versa. well...since its part of growing up, i guess ill jus accept it as it is.


i did do smth kinda constructive today. i actually dragged my ass to "study" some of my CFA shit. gosh, thinking back... was tt rly constructive? hahha well, i did.. erms... like 12 qns out of 120 qns.... so i guess.. its kinda. constructive.




hee... its a quarter after 12... okay sry its a quarter after 1 and i.. miss you now but lol. i think i've been through this millions of times. dafuq am i doing, hahha going through the process of "ohhh i think i shld try... fk i mus stop doing dumb fk nonsense like this"


ah. the alcohol shldn be the reason for breaking the status quo. lOl.... well fk me, for breaking the rules and bowing down like a loser.


=O

Daydreamer.

Here I am, daydreaming. Just ytd.? Or the day b4 ytd I was telling myself tt I will be fine alone, and I don't need anyone else. Yea... and den I had this "hmm wld I have a chance.?? Wld we be able to link up.?" jus cause of some random stuff.




anddd snap. nths gonna happen for me. haha anw yea lets go cy... more work awaits for me tomorrow and the struggle to get to friday starts again.


okaeri.

do you know me

You know my name, do you know my story. If you know my story, do you know me?

Jus a bunch of thoughts that's running through my mind this few days, well.. its triggered by a couple of stuff, namely, erms work wise? and prolly also triggered by some random person who jus seemed to appear around my life. So it seems that since I've started working and more ppl would have heard of my name and all but it doesn't feel like ive got more frens. Perhaps its caused my by reluctancy or rather incapability to converse with other ppl regarding things that are outside of work. I can survive w/o talking to other ppl about personal stuff but I guess, if I needed smth more, I needed to give smth more. LOl. duno if I made sense. anw yea, I duno, I jus sucked at communicating with humans I guess.

what to do?? well i'll see how it goes and ok. I suppose ill try to squeeze out a smile or 2 from nxt week? lol ugh, k fine. Ill jus be normal and not do anything more. I wont feel fked up tml. hahaha so I guess its enuf to jus rant it here.

well moving on, im kinda slowly getting crushed by the loneliness. even tho Im the one who said tt ppl wont die even being alone. but argh, its slowly suffocating me, im starting to blame god for being unfair and all but well after all it was me who chose to be alone, but well, you gotta be slightly responsible as well since you didn send someone angelic into my life k. so yea.

nonetheless, ill most likely be ok by tml ( as usual) jus ranting here and there shld do the job. heh oh, saw someone that resembled someone I missed dearly and I jus kept stealing glances even tho I know that its not her. but well, I duno, I cant control my eyes man. anw yea okok. move on right? understood.

so here I am, foolishly waiting for you at a place in which there is a possibility of meeting you. even if the possibility is rly small, at least it is not zero. then comes another problem, so what if we met, wld we even talk? will I get sick of listening to you? will you even bother saying "hi"? wld I have the courage to approach you? what shld we talk abt? lol. then 'why wait' you may ask. I duno. my body simply moved on its own.

loving you.

love comes in many forms. i let you go because i loved you. i dont want to be the one who will hurt you because i loved you.
but i guess, it seems that at the end, the one i loved the most is myself. heh. so i think its most likely worth it. these lonely and seemingly boring fridays spent... will probably be good for me in future. Ive always told my frens and myself that we shldnt be whining about all the " we shld have done this, we shldve done that" as complaining about yesterdays arent gonna help, we shld look forward, with our past experience backing us up, we shld be looking forward to " we will do this, we're gonna do that"


haha. i sincerely do hope that in future, ill look back and think to myself "yea, i've made the right choice then" as... im kinda having regrets here and there but im jus moving on with my teeth clenched.


well.. cy.. remb, dont love, and thus you wont hate. without hatred, you will bcome something greater than "the others"

gotta stop believing.

cause its a weekend. what have i done? hmm friday was jus a lame house beer party with me and me and me at home doing nth much other than watching some lame ass old movie and jus dozing off.


sat morning was spent sleeping, and afternoon was spent walking ard and stoning and all lOL. well, somehow managed to pull myself out and went clubbing at night tho. supposingly an awesome night with chicks and drinks and all but... well nope. nth happened.


so i guess ive changed, or perhaps the crowd has changed or well, i just felt tt its awesome tt im able to meet up with frens whom ive lost contact with and reconnect with them, and everything else didn rly matter.




oh yea, managed to drag my ass outta my hse this morning and visited my adorable nephew and niece and god. adorable kids kinda made my lame ass weekend slightly less meaningless. hahaha.






love don't exist when you live like this

ill stop believing in love. cause love dont exist when you live like this.

Not enuf.

k so what's worse than having an uneventful weekend, a frantic first day of the week with loads of shitty things happening to me.

So today was rly rly horrible. Not to mention tt we've been mad busy, I rly did tried rly hard to complete whatever that I was supposed to do. Nonetheless, "poof", more things tt I'm supposed to do in which I haven't touched. And yup, of course I'm gonna get that look from them, and tt pretty demoralizing.

It's jus like, working rly hard and getting a poor result. Lol. Guess my working hard isn't rly enough, what else shld I do? Well... Yea work harder. And harder and prolly stay till like 10pm right.? Lol. Fk this like srsly.

Yea fine. Let's work harder tml and see how it goes yea? Z

Clean slate.

Don't you have this thought tt u cld jus wake up to a clean slate.? Like, not being bothered by the past issues, the problems u had since ytd.

Argh, but but today is the result of yesterdays, and how your tomorrow will be depends on what u did today.




pretty much slept my long weekend away. that wasnt how i rly planned on spending my hard earned long weekend but well, it jus happens so i guess theres nth much i could do abt it.
"why not spend it jus the way u want to" u may ask, life aint tt simple. the ppl i want to spend it with are no longer in my life, and nope. i dont have any spare tyres left. haha i suppose this is the way my life should be, for treating ppl as spare, for classifying ppl into different categories and being a smug jus because ppl wanted to be with me more that i wanted to be with them.


hahahhaa. i deserved it yea i deserved it. this loneliness suits me, this pain provides me a good life lesson. so yea, if the chance comes knocking again, i guess ill pick it up and get on my feet. =))


life was never fair and all i needed to do is to make it bend to my favour.

i've had a dream

do u believe angels?


haha just a little part of the lyrics of the song im listening to.


well yea i just woke up from a somewhat beautiful? bizzare dream tho. hahaha like i dreamt of being with someone who looked like u but its not u. but uhh. i guess i did dreamt of u.


nuh uh. no issues over here, jus a random little dream that humans have every now and then.


what have i been living for these days? hmm just surviving day in day out and collecting the pay on every 15th of the month, with a seemingly pretty tired body tt only comes to life when sat hits.


i had hoped to study, to exercise, to haf a normal social life, and its kinda not happening for me.  i just wannted to go home and slp and jus wake up to the nxt working day.


hahaha this is so not healthy and definitely not gonna be kept going.


wake up ur idea chaoyi, ure diff from other ppl and ure different from the old u.

Good enough.

i wonder if I did become good enuf.

Having a sorta stable job and scrapping through day by day. I'd told myself tt I will use half of the time tt was given to me to finish learning. I'm only left with one month tho, and I'm not sure if I cld meet the deadline set by myself, nor the deadline they set for me.

Nonetheless, I rly hope tt I will be able to keep this job for a, pretty long time? A year or 2 at least.? And I sincerely pray tt I will be the one to say tt I wanna leave because I haf a new job.

Negative feelings aside. I'll get back to the topic.

I read through my previous posts, posts written by me when I didn had a job. Lol. I was saying abt how I don't haf any courage to approach some of my "old friends" cause I am not doing well enuf to keep in touch with them

What abt now.? Am I good enuf now.? Mayb not. Mayb i shld stay as I am, my bad, staying the way I am is not good enuf as wel. I srsly needa start working harder. And prolly reduce the Amt of alcohol intake so tt I won't needa slp so much in the weekends. Damn.

goood for something.

when u keep doing smth, u eventually bcome good at smth. when u become good at smth, u will haf this air of importance built inside u. a self created sense of mightiness, pride, and everything nice. u start looking down on ppl, mayb belittling some other ppl in other professions.


while i needa keep this in mind. i may bcome good in something in time to come, im not good in everything. i need to always have this humbleness in me. for i dont want to become like one of them.


i need to constantly grow. to keep improving ( tt said, i havent been doing shit)


to become great, i need knowledge. to not become like one of them, i needa claw my way out.



yeah.

work hard.

i duno if its due to fatique or jus tt its normal, or for wadever reason.


kinda troubled due to work related stuff.


ill jus briefly talk abt it ya? i guess i shldve accepted the fact tt im supposed to be scolded for other ppl's mistakes, and not feel unjust. i shld jus keep it to myself wadever emotional issues tt i may encounter. well.. cause the office aint tt big, wadever i say wldve been heard and mis-represented.


so ok ppl might feel offended, unhappy and all other stuff. but well i dont haf any ill intentions, and I think they wld feel tt way cause they don't know me. So I can't blame them, I'm the one who didn't wan them to know me anw. So Mayb, all wld be better if they know me better? Heh.

Ok Tml. I'll work towards tt goal.

here without you.

taking a loong deep breathe.


tho im looking forward to weekends, im thinking tt it ended too quickly lol. perhaps because i havent been doing much things during these 2 days. and i felt tt its simply just wasted.


just like that.


yea yea i know i chose this path of solitude. But I do needa grumble and whine about it every now and then here since I can't do it to other humans. I mean I can but, I'll prolly preferred doing it here, and jus let everyone else think tt I'm jus a happy and funny guy running ard.

Anw, I've been trying to complete this post since Friday. Lol. And I guess I finally garnered enuf inspiration today. Lol. Well yea while trying to complete this post, I've also been trying to think of smth interesting + healthy+ meaningful to do. Smth tt I can say tt it's my hobby. But well, weekends are supposed to be for me to rest, and wadever free time tt I haf left should be for studying. In which I haven't been doing. Gahh.. I shld prolly rly put my heart into this.

I'll jus leave it at here for now. Gonna take a nap on the bus b4 gg to work heh.

annoying.

i forgot to bring my earphones for lunch. Damn.

And I'm surrounded by noisy ppl. Heh. It's actually nice tt there are young ppl in the place, k fk I'm starting to sound old. Okay I meant, it's nice to have noisy? Rowdy? Outspoken? Lol I duno which is the proper term to use but yea. Ppl who makes q abit of noise hanging ard makes the place less dead, but argh. It didn't feel particularly nice when they're right next to u.

Mayb im jus irritable cause of.... But Mayb I shldn have all these negative thoughts. I shld be like happy, and looking forward to Tml, and erms. Bright k? Right.. Tts it for now gotta go back to work and gonna update later.

Automated.

Just like how I automatically walked in that direction towards to mrt station. Like how I react when ppl start dissing me, like how I wanted to keep in contact with u. It's pretty much automated. God knows why I'm doing this. And I don't even know why I'm asking to be hurt. Lol.

A myriad of emotions, a mind in a whirl. Haha. A bunch of regrets.? Guess not. Even tho I'm sure tt there are traces of tt in my mind but I did remind myself constantly tt I made the right choice. Uhh. Guess tt shld be over pretty soon, jus a sudden urge.


it has been a year so it seems, i must be a fool for thinking that u will still be there, i must be a fool to think tt u wld forgive what ive done. i must have been a fool for trying to destroy the status quo. theoretically, i shldn have any remnants of emotions left. i shldve been able to leave everything behind. after all, i...am no longer that boy anymore. he's dead. his memories were implanted into mine and ive accidentally thought tt those memories belonged to me. but nope nope, those arent my experiences.


those ppl i missed, i wanted to be with, i fought to get back with, they dont know me, the real me. so yup. ive gotta go back to my own routine instead of being bugged by things tt dont rly concerned me.


heh.


Tml will be the same as any other day, today I'm gonna lie on my bed and not do anything as per normal. Nth nice will happen to me, and all I gotta pray for is tt nth bad will happen to me!



Yea. Live peacefully cy. Live normally. Stop asking for it, sadness tt is.:)))))






p.s. aint experiencing a split personality or smth, jus trying to make this post sound more interesting lol.

judge

Never judge a book by its cover, instead, judge a man by his paycheck and his occupation.


seems like im getting pretty much of tt these days due to the fact tt im working as a customer service officer in a brokerage firm. well, it sounds pretty weak doesnt it? yea. but its not like i dont have a dream, i dont have a goal, i dont haf a future. but well im getting a pretty decent paycheck i wld say. but futurewise... i dont know. cause i dont have an answer as to wad my future would look like and in fact i dont even know what i  want my future to be like.


well. been spending so much these days and i rly needa start taking better control of my finance. sigh. monday's coming again. gah damn.?
heh not. i shldn be like this. i shld be glad tt i actually haf a job and all yea? yea.

that dead boy.

phone decided to go out of battery as i start leaving the office as usual. hence it was a ride home w/o music and had the chance to u know, do some reflections.


i was jus thinking to myself, as to why wld i always attract ppl at first, and then they would jus stay away from me later. ok not rly attracting but.. somehow yea lol.


kk so yes, my conclusion is that, there are a couple of layers to my character. i wld say mayb 3? n tt wld prolly be determined by diff ppl tt i am hanging out with. so yes, given that i am in a brand new environment, i wld prolly be like a quiet person who dont q like talking. tts prolly layer 1. some other ppl may, luckily, know me when im in my layer 2 mode. when im in a comfortable place and i have alot of funny comments or actions to make.


my 3rd layer, which i wld love to show to ppl i rly want to get closer with. is a side tt prolly no one likes. heh, someone who has alot of deep, ok mayb not deep but bizzare thoughts and u noe, hatred towards alot of things and a pretty dark side of me. perhaps my intentions was to have someone accepting me as a whole, as someone who's not jus funny and all but, someone who;s had diff sides to him. and that is me.


but well.. nowadays.. im slowly losing sight of tt boy. with diff sides. or rather i simply destroyed tt alter ego as its recognized by myself tt its a repellent to friends and u noe, girls. lol. so yea slowly but surely, i think i stopped showing other ppl tt side.


it cld be due to the fact tt ive stopped having negative thoughts or, jus tt im keep all those to myself. i dont know either. perhaps when the next impt person came along, i wld haf the answer?

friday. sweet o friday.

hhahaha. being a working adult makes me crave for fridays so damn much, cuz i can finally be united with my favourite love(beer). and jus sleep till the sun comes out w/o having to wry abt being late for anything.


tt said, i pretty much wasted time and money to "study" at starbucks ytd since... u noe, their drinks are expensive as shit and nope i didn see any familiar face tt can trigger some memories in my head. lOl. wad was i expecting actually. anw to top it off, i didn bring enuf materials to study. i was literally jus dying to go home and voila, i went home jus like tt. w/o going out with ppl, w/o studying, w/o achieving anything.


as ive jus told myself to stop trying so hard, yea i did stop trying. n i think im... did a pretty okay job. so yea.


today im gonna try to grasp happiness by throwing in a bunch of money again. well, i shldn be looking forward to it tho, i shld jus thnk of having fun with frens and not other stuff, perhaps tt way i wont be disappointed no matter wad.

unsatisfied.

am still not satisfied with myself atm. workwise, lifewise.


of cause im still not able to remb everything taught, and im slowly getting a little less humble.jus slightly, and i am totally not doing an awesome job. i still have lots to work on, so yup. ill keep tt in mind.


life wise....i duno, i meant, im slowly starting to realize tt the things i did, the things i wanted to do previously, was pretty plain dumb. even tho i cld justify it as, oh it was jus because of circumstance, pressure, and all.. uh no. not justifiable. so i rly needa wake up my idea.


i guess i was trying too hard to prove tt im desirable, even tho it seems otherwise. im jus trying too hard to comfort my empty heart tt "hey, u're still wanted by somebdy on this world" haha. wad a joke eh?
nope, no. mayb i mightve been impt to someone before, but the me now, am nth but a weak existance in this world. theres no more power to my name, there is, nth left. all im left with is a human body, sitting down there and being kind of a burden to other ppl. and im an existence in which, even if i simply disappear w/o a trace in the nxt moment, it doesnt rly matter at all.


but. that is not wad i want.


so how? wad else can i do. instead of working harder than i am now and being nicer to ppl and trying harder to forge those 'worthless' bonds with the ppl ard me such tt i can actually become something, jus, something, at least an image in ppl's mind and not jus smth tt doesnt rly matter even if i dont exist.


my only goal is to be better than myself today, and keep growing and keep learning. such tt the current container will no longer be able to hold me, and ill go into a bigger container and keep growing, and changing containers, and growing.
*if u noe wad im trying to imply, if not, think harder. heheheheh tts it for now. needa exercise.

strength.

so it was jus like any other day where i was waiting with the rest of the commuters at a bus stop. trying my best to squeeze into a fully packed bus, trying to maintain my balance and not to fall throughout the whole journey.


lots of negative thoughts were going through my mind, like cursing at the government, swearing at the middle aged lady beside me, those foreigners who were flooding into my homeland and adding to the congestion problem. then a thought came to me, i am here with them because i am not strong enuf to break away from them.


the weak cannot live alone and hence they gather in groups in order to survive. im blaming others for the discomfort tt i haf to live through but in fact, i shldve blamed myself for not being a high flyer, a person with good grades, a person who managed to make wise investment choices that could make me soar above the others ard me.


i am no different from the rest of them. i am but a sheep being herded in this enclosure, jus living through day in and out w/o much thoughts about wad i can do to break out of these chains of social norms tt are slowly constricting me.


yes. i shld keep this in mind and keep getting better, getting stronger and rise, instead of giving myself excuses and slowly blending into the crowd as just "one of them"


jiayou k?

Limited resources. Unlimited wants

if I'm not wrong, it's been...3 weeks.? K effectively abt 2.5 weeks and I've been starting proper work for abt a week. Much has been learnt, much still required learning. Rating for my performance thus far?

Poor.

In a sense I didn manage to remb everything tt was taught, everything tt I've did before, where everything is. I duno. I duno. I duno. Tt sucked pretty much, and I feel like I've pretty much been more of a burden than a help. Anddd, ya. I'm RLY sorry to tt lady who's sitting beside me and I can feel tt someday soon, she might jus disregard my existence in whole and leave me to rot or smth lol.

Got my pay ytd and was rly pretty happy, it's my first paycheck after all, but it also meant tt for abt 2.5 YEARS, I've gotta start paying off my debt and it ain't a rly nice thing to know.

__________________________________________________________________________

Well yea. Jus some random thoughts tt I wanted to pen down somewhere. I know I've repeated these a million times and yes, I'm gonna say it again.

This world is rly cruel, while at the same time beautiful. Perhaps it's because of the cruelty tt lurks at in every corner in this world, u get to b rly thankful for the little beautiful things in life. As I tot tt my world is gonna start becoming beautiful, I realized tt I thought wrong. Wonderful things in life don't jus come into ur way, u gotta fight for it. And when u finally got it, u gotta cherish it. For its so gonna slip through ur fingers the moment u loosen ur grip and wad would be left of it? A life of regrets.


Haha had some cool stuff I wanted to pen down but... Can't find any nice place to slip it in this post. Ah wells, I'll jus put it in the next one. Meanwhile, let's hope tt I can haf fun tonight.. I suppose I rly earned it.

Chaoyi

Slowly but surely, more ppl are gonna be hearing this name, not like im gon get famous and shit, but, my job requires me to interact with ppl and when they needed someone to push the blame to, that name will come in handy.

It's...about 2 full weeks since I've started and prolly the 3rd day tt Ive started proper. I can say I didn do a gd job, and I'm jus forgetting things here and there and it's pretty frustrating to everyone. Friday is coming, and I am rly looking forward to weekends now. Lol but nope nope nope, I mus enjoy working, if not it's so gonna be painful to stay there for a year or 2. And to love my job, I needa do.. 2 things? Be good at it, and love the ppl there.

I'll work hard on these 2 aspects and I'll bear in mind tt "it's a new environment and I have to prove myself, while at the same time being nice to the ppl ard me."

fatigue

mm. yea so i woke up today and thought to myself. why did i feel so fked up ytd, i guess its fatigue kicking in. not being able to slp the night b4 had made me mega pissed, mega tired, and mega sensitive to shits.


work has been... quite fked up to say. as i predicted, there are loads of things which i cant handle on my own. loads of issues in which i screwed up, and loads of things, tt i haf not the slightest idea of wad the heck they are talking abt.


nonetheless, i hope tt i didn fare too poorly for a first timer, and i hope tt i will improve and be better in terms of my articulation and my hearing skills, lol. i srsly tend to zone out SO much. i guess its jus a habit tt got in-built into me.
yup ill work harder. ill needa wake up my freaking idea. lets go.


anw lets talk abt life.


i didn noe if i'd mentioned it ytd, was feeling rly rly down for some reason ( im guessing its fatigue lOL) and was rly hoping tt there is someone who's gonna lend me a shoulder to rest my head on. erms even though it sounds kinda gay but lol, once in a while, i think a guy wld want to rest his head on a girl too? prolly some patting on my back and telling me to "work harder" would help. 
BUT!! yup, tt didn happened , and i jus got through it on my own. which... in some sense pretty sad but i would say, its pretty good to have these moments too. if there is always someone for u to rely on whenever u're down, u bcome dependent. u slowly start to feel tt " ah i cant live w/o tt person" which is totally untrue since, biologically, we aint parasites so yup, we can actually live pretty well on our own.


hahah does it sound like im just trying to make myself feel better? mayb i am, but i do think tt there are some truth in tt as well.
so yup. ill try my best to cheer myself up, and if possible, i wld love to be able to cheer other ppl up as well.
tt shall be my short-term goal? to be a bright person and make other ppl's life better.

myself.

objectively speaking, it shld be because of the fact tt ive been poisoning my brother in my own mind these days, tt led to me being displeased with alot of things and finally led to me being rly pissed with the things he does. Attaching other intentions tt he might have to his actions, perhaps these intentions that i tot he had were jus fabrications produced in my mind and got attached to it unintentionally.


but of cause, how can u be so sure that the person nxt to u, wont be the one to stab u at ur final moments. especially when tt person had said such nasty things behind ur back and even to ur face.


i guess i sincerely needa either, stop trusting other ppl and depend on my strong will to get me through life, or, simply trust them and then take whatever tt may come head on.


which is the right choice? nobody knows.


anw this is a good time for a beer and jus rot the night away tt cld possibly make me happier, since.. the only one who understand me is me, and the one i can trust is me as well.
heh duh, like which man can live as a lone island in this wide world with 6 or 7 billion other ppl? perhaps not. he'll die, no matter how strong he is, mentally or physically.


im having tt heavy feeling, where i felt like talking to somebdy, and realizing tt theres nobdy. but wells, its prolly better tt way, tt way i wont have to show my weakness to other ppl and let ppl use it to exploit my feelings later.




am i twisted or wad.


bla. im gonna be fine. im cy anw. hahahah yea =)

The promised new life.

its been a week.? And I wld say I'm barely fitting in. There's so much shit to rmb, so little time, so little concentration on my side and tt sucked. I'm supposed to do a lot of reading and work hard for this chance to prove myself. But I think I'm slowly doing otherwise. Arhhhh. Buck up buck up. And yea Im always so tired when I reached home. Zzz literally.

New life?
Perhaps it is, and I intended to bid farewell to whatever past which was still hanging in my mind, which... I tried to do. While not expecting smth else to come for me. Lol. Tt was pretty stupid tho, and some impeccable timing, when I needed someone by my side and, I pray tt i wld not repeat the same mistake tt I did 2years ago, that caused me to suffer so much just to correct my mistake last year. Hence I rly needa keep tt in mind and yea, don't fall into tt trap again.


friends? haha so i pushed u aside and hoped to get by this boring period on my own, and i guess i wasnt strong enuf, i needed friends to support me. and thank CY for being such a nice person in general tt a friend wld be nice enuf to haf dinner with me.


sighh.. how fragile friendships are, they could just chuck u aside once they thought tt they no longer haf any use for u. its... so disgusting and at the same time real, and i cant even disagree to tt fact tt im actually the same breed as those ppl and i dont rly haf the right to whine abt them. so... yups. i have to live with it.


while at the same time remembering the fact tt im still tt poor dude whos so full of debt and glad tt someone is actually willing to take him in. i am nothing. and i am not a great person whos flawless, instead, im a man whos full of fked ups, who went through a hell load of hardships, and if im not careful, i wld be banished back to tt hellhole which i somehow managed to crawl out frm.


wld u like to go back there dude? i guess the answer is no right? so yup,


remember all the insults/hardships u've been throught, the ppl who were nice, the ppl who left u on ur own.. yea... rmb them well and keep it in mind. it will be useful in future.


lets work harder cy =)

Trying

So it's like I can barely control my sanity.? Like I decided "ok I'm not gonna do this" and den jus moments later, I started doing it. Lol wake up cy. Stop doing this to urself. Don't lower ur own market value ok ? zzzz


uhn nth much abt work, jus the fact tt im jus chilling my way frm 830 - 6. and when its 6pm. woOoots. rush home. and still ended up in a jam tt made me reach home at 730+. like srsly?? but oh well... didn managed to do any reading up or preparing for work so.... i guess ill jus do it later lOL.


i duno but i hope this string which i tried so hard, which took me so much courage to hook wont jus snap tt easily cause... it rly aint ez lol. soOOooo please stay hooked for a little while longer? let me find sth to look forward to in tt mundane life. at least for now, jus like u did a couple of years ago.


yes please.

missing.

sometimes i kinda miss the old me.
tt arrogant prick, who felt tt no one is even near his level and someone who's rly confident in whatever he does. lol


who am i now, i.. dont noe yet. cuz at the moment, im feeling useless, lol there are so many things which i dont know, and there are so many things tt i felt tt i wont be able to do it even if i tried hard. perhaps its just a matter of perception, or izzit a change of heart. nonetheless, i dont believe tt my current feelings are rly acceptable. i haf to be confident, and minus away tt arrogance yea? loll.


anndddd. i guess its nice to visit ur past occasionally, so tt u cld understand wad made u urself today. but of cuz, dont get drawn too far in? heh.


like a moth flying towards the torch, i knew tt i wld get burnt but i guess i cant help it.

gains and losses.

err. my call wasnt rly for u but. erms. well. i guess i shldve been more straightforward, and be more like a man instead of jus praying tt u can uds my intentions frm my ambiguous calls.


nonetheless, for tt random person who responded, i.. i duno, i dont know how i shld react u noe, since u jus popped out randomly and lets see. perhaps im jus jumpin to a conclusion, i hope tt my conclusion wasnt with u u see.


so i dont know, i do need someone to talk to but i wasnt hoping that it wld be u... anw, lets see how it goes? cause... i dont think i haf the time to funk with ppl's hearts nor the courage to endure being hurt no more. sighh.. im gonna assume tt the nxt relationship ill be getting into, wld be my last since i... Rly do not want to go thru tt kind of period anymore.








anw, these few years, ive made a couple of decisions, ones tt changed my life, changes my life, gonna change my life. and most of it i made it on my own so.... no matter if it goes right or wrong, i cant blame anyone else for it and ill say tt i made the "best" choice given the situation and pressure. it wld seem tt it is wrong but, i guess it wldve been a rationale choice?  nobdy noes if our choices then wld go right or wrong, it all boils down to probabilty. so... Yea, I'll live with it. Frens I'd chose to distant from, hobbies tt I gave up on, I'll probably get them back after my life settled down, and I do hope tt those frens of mine wld still be there lol.

Things I've gained.? My character perhaps. I've pretty much fit my character to suit the ppl I hang out with, and after some years, I think I finally stopped trying to live to fit into other ppl and jus be myself. And well memories, no matter gd or bad, those were the things tt made me me. Uh. Tts it for now, becoming q naggy and I think it's gonna b a problem lol.

Be Back soon

shout.

the shot into the dark, the scream into the abyss.


i sincerely dont know wad my course of actions were for, but.. i guess i just wanted to try. trying harder than i shld, harder than normal ppl wld have to. so yes, the shot is out, and whether u heard it, is up to fate, and up to how much weight i'd held in ur heart.


nonetheless, the results doesnt rly matter, for i am alr used to life w/o u ppl. so..yup, heres a goodbye to the past self and a hello to the me whos gonna embrace the future.




:))))))




.... ahh.... yea, did i jus lowered my guard towards tt person now? fk me, lOL... god...it sure is hard to keep my guard up at all times yea?? but i suppose tts wad i hafta do in order not to get hurt.. sighhhh..

journey's end.

it seems like its cfmed. heh, i think i got it. yays? but... wad is this feeling of emptiness, wad is this tt im feeling. its like within my grasp but i dont own it. lol i dont noe, perhaps its just tt i havent signed the contract yet and thus i cant believe tt idea yet.


nonetheless, its worth looking forward to.


cant rly slp these days, and i wonder y. lost in thoughts? mayb. excited? mayb. but pls let me slp ? lol. anw, i think i might not wanna get back at tt asshole who damaged my pride. why? its petty. its lowering my level to deal with ppl and their cheap taunts. i guess i shld jus let it slip, as i shld haf done so in the beginning instead of even ranting in my blog.


had many wants these days, wanting to thank all the ppl who helped me, who didn give up on me. wanting to meet all those i didn get to meet. feeling all emotional tt yay, this tiring journey is finally ending. but well, its rly nth special. its smth everyone got, so i dont think i needa feel too happy abt it and i didn rly get something rly awesome anw. but im still happy k. well at least, i guess i shld stay as the person i am now. humble, nice, helpful, thoughtful. lOL.


i almost changed to another person jus cause i finally got smth which i shldve got few mths ago, in fact, a year ago. so yea cy, dont be a fking moron pls? its nth to b proud of. its just smth u shldve done like, eons ago so yea.


be humble, be nice, go the extra mile for the ppl who cared for u, and a further mile for those who didn, so tt they will in future. heh. yea. take note k bye.

the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|

keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh

What gOod am I.

Results are out. And I'm fked. As usual. Lol. Made me totally look like a fool in a sense tt, U noe, I lost everything. U, cfa, job, I've got none of em now.what now. I don't know. I've got myself to blame of Cuz. Being half hearted in everything, then yes, fuck me. Fuck this.

And I'm jus gonna go to sleep yea.

round and round.

it seems that ive always been going in circles. rejecting that job offer, going back to tt job, leaving her and den begging to go back to her, i hope none of these kind of things wld continue gg on tho. cause it really sucks to go back to the place wher u left.


so... going for that interview on wed. hope tt it wldn be a bad choice. enduring a year or so, doing smth which ive always wanted to, enduring and get my life forward. i wld love it tt way.


i tot to myself this afternoon. yea, im done with letting go of the past. even when i think abt it, it doesnt hurt no more. so im hoping these continues, and den ill be able to sincerely begin a new chapter with new characters in it, wif a better story plot this time.


tt...wld be all for now.


will update real soon

continuous.

argh. been a few days without any news frm any employers, ok theres 1 tt required me to do a writeup.. lol tts pretty fked up tho, cuz.... u noe.. writing.. hmm anw, yup. still living, still healthy and all.


my fone decided to haf some problems and thankfully tt i can borrow my mum's 'spare' fone. of cuz its not as handy as my own one but... lets hope tt my own phone can come back quickly. in a day or two.


so.... yea tts all for now.? nt much happenings for me update stuff

death and strawberry.(unrequested vacation)

k nth much to do with strawberries but its jus extracted frm bleach lol.


anw, time to update bout the funeral, i guess.


erms received the news on last sunday morning and its been helluva week, went back to my hometown? k more like my mom's hometown to attend the funeral of my grandfather who, is finally able to leave his weakened suffering physical shell and left this world. well, its rly saddening but at the same time, i dont noe, perhaps its mercy tt he's able to end all the suffering as he'd been suffering frm various illness and is barely conscious of his behaviors for a couple of years, requiring the aid of his children to take care of him for every single needs ( feeding, bowel discharging, urinating etc)


i would say, none of any sane human being wld wanna live in tt state, being a burden and all, so i wld say, tt is prolly a relief for my dear grandfather. to, stop relying on other ppl, and move on to another world with a better self.


rest in peace. i hope tt u will haf a good afterlife and if possible, get reborn and live again? cuz life is really beautiful. my dear grandpa.




tt said, i dont think i deserve to shed a tear. cuz ive been absent frm his life for a good 10+ years. lazinesss, and many other reasons made me stop going back to visit my relatives. i always blamed my parents for not being close to their brothers and thus making us not close to my relatives. i guess i also haf a part to play cuz i'd always, always chose not to go back for convenience sake. and, well i pretty much grew up without contact with any of my cousins, uncles, aunties, grandparents. its pretty ironic tt, u see ppl frm all over, gathering at the funeral after 10 odd years. like, why is it tt no one bothers gathering b4 anyone leave this world. why would u only choose to come back only after he has died and then grief about his departure.


why is it tt none of u, make sure to get everyone tgt, and let him enjoy the warmth of the big family tt he deserved.


tt said, of cuz, im equally guilty. but i hope tt this will serve as a good reminder to everyone present. tt the warmth of the family, despite the fact tt we didn meet for so many years, didn dissipate one bit.


so yup. im sorry, for being an ass. for being not worthy of shedding a tear. for forgeting all the bonds i had with u ppl. so thank u. with ur death, i hope tt im not the only one who learnt this lesson of togetherness. i will connect with ur family tt u used ur whole life to built and ill be sure to make sure im part of it. and, ill take gd care of ur eldest daughter( tts my mum) heh.








goodbye, sorry. thank u and please take care.

the reunion.?

downing instant laksa noodles atm. perhaps its a hint of the taste of heaven.


recieved the ill news of the fact tt my grandfather passed away this morning, which is...a pretty heavy topic which i will touch on on another day.


just gonna be talking bout the gathering today. so my fren's gf organized a "surprise" bday celebration for him and it jus seemed to be a class gathering for them. lol, since I wasn't in the same class and all. nonetheless, well i came with a heavy heart but i guess it turned out pretty ok, tho i was damn grumpy and all.
well surprisingly xy came, like thru all those coincidences, xh's gf noes her as well and thus invited her. and heck, sadly exactly like 5 years ago, izzit 5, or 6. well the thing is exactly like so many yrs ago, when i did badly for my alvls and didn haf the confidence to face u, i cant even secure a gd job today tt wld gif me enuf confidence to face u again. tt sucked so damn much.lol. like...will i ever haf the courage, will i ever haf the chance to face all those tt got away " hey, im doing well."
perhaps yes, perhaps not. but nonetheless, i rly wanted tt. so, this will be the driving force for me to push forward.

and tear all those in my way.

glad tt i went too, a good wake up call for this guy stucked in a loserish shell.