The cause.

Errm so I was trying to guess the situation over at the other side. Even tho the scenerio tt I assumed might jus be the truth if I tried to piece the current situation together.
If tts the case, I'm sry but it's not gonna turn out the way u wanted, u ppl wanted.

my intentions have nv changed. Ever. Whatever actions I took frm then on was based on this main objective tt has been, subconsciously rooted into my brain.

You.

Every step tt I took, every move tt Ive made. everything were for ur sake, actually mine , cuz I selfishly wanted to get closer to u despite all of those in the way. It sounds pretty stupid but I rly wanted u to be happy, wif me. Perhaps it's nt possible but I'm alrdy programmed to keep moving in this manner. I'll try my best not to cause any trouble.?but jus somehow wish for all these to end erm prettily.? Yea, as long as it doesn't turn out bad it's fine. Hahah.

So at the end of the day, I'm sorry but I'm still into u. I sincerely apologize for tt. :|


K. Haha jus some totally random things tt I tot it's worth remembering when I tot of during my stoning times. So I decided to jot it down.
Alright nxt nxt nxt.!!

Argh new yr is jus round the corner. And I haven't decided on what to do on New Year's Eve. Frens weren't rly helpful in terms of contribution of ideas so. Well I hope I can come up wif smth tml.

Finally cleared some shits frm my room and even tho it's a small clearing, I feel kinda gd. Heh. Den I realized tt I'm actually kinda heartless towards inanimate objects, Ppl wld be like 'ah I shld keep this thing cuz mayb....'and yea I'll jus throw it away regardless of whether it's a pillow tt i seldom use, a bag tts in gd condition ( slightly dirty) or random boxes tt cld store items in, THROW. ALL THROW.
And it felt pretty good. Teh heh, I'm looking at all the soft toys in my room now:). They're nxt. Jahaha

Ur most reliable aide can become ur worst enemy.

friend of the monster.

managed to drag my lazy ass outta hse and met up wif bc and all.. nt rly looking forward  but well, since he's staying in US most of e time.... okay. lets go lol. had a pretty unexpectedly nice phad thai or wadever u call it, andd managed to chat bout some stuffs going on so i guess tts pretty nice.
had a minor bad experience wif a staff at coffeebean but i suppose i can jus let it slip cuz its rly minor and well it jus gets me thinking. abt this cost cutting measure done by our govt which includes hiring an army of low cost foreign worker to take care of those jobs tt requires low skill level or low education level. in a sense... frm a macroeconomical point of view.. it seems pretty logical and efficient and.......
( ok i removed the boring dry econs argument. i shall talk in my own selfish opinion) yes they can handle most of the basic needs of a consumer but there are many 'unrehearsed scenerios' tt cld happen in everyday's customer service. and results showed tt they werent able to handle and they didn even bothered tryin to handle these situations. they simply go into blank and stare straight into the customers' face and simply wait for the angry person to stomp away in disgust.

ahh. this sux. service was no longer wad it used to be. this is a really arguable policy in which both sides are not wrong. so they chose to use these low cost army, and us citizens jus had to tolerate all these nonsense unless we are wiilling to accept LOWER wage than them, or else, we haf no say.

k tts enuf of the adult stuff. if it even sounds mature enuf. lol sry but ive removed most of the argument thus it sounds pretty much like a pure childish selfish ranting. well take it as tt den. its a blog after all.

oh ya i met BC and frens.. rejected their offer to go to the US wif em during the may hols... erms. its srsly v costly and im nt rly a fan of u noe, going overseas to sightsee. unless its wif a rly impt person..then its a diff story. loL
ugh had a tough time rejecting them cuz they were so determined to go and i had to crush their US dream. bleh. sry bout tt. and they were talking abt how much my social activities had to do wif drinking.

yes.. now tt i think abt it... its pretty much true. i duno wad made me like this. i dont noe y i wld NEED some drink tt contains alcohol so frequently. why wld i want to keep asking my frens to accompany me to those type of places. why wld i want to hurt other ppl jus cuz i feel hurt. haf i became the monster tt ive always told myself not to become?
am i alrdy some1 who wldve been despised by the past me. ugh tt is why i.. want to at least try, becoming someone tt i wld be proud of soon. soon. heh.. soon...

the sad truth is hard to accept. even if its a glimmer of hope, i wld turn away frm the obvious truth and convince myself tt yes, i haf a chance
perhaps this is my retribution. for continuously hurting other ppl, now i shall suffer the continuous hurt caused by other ppl.

stop it, im alrdy hurt enuf.

im probably the monster tt ur parents warned u abt when u were younger.

Christmas.

Went to work wif a v screwed up mindset. "Dafuq am I doing here." It totally didn help when I haf to keep tt bloody place open jus for 2 fking couples to make out dere cuz it's kinda empty anw. One side of me thought, I've alrdy had enuf fun these days, I.. Shld let other ppl haf a share of fun too, but well I cld jus said fk it and u noe, no ones gonna blame me anw.

But I ended up being nice and all thus I decided to work instead. Well, It's pretty screwed up b4 e gathering, like ppl doing random things tts nt following the plan which kinda got me agitated, while at the same time I haf to endure tt screwed up feeling of having to work on this kind of festive season. I lasted thru tt fked up moments and somehow managed to keep my cool. went ahead wif e gathering And I wld say it's... Pretty normal, kinda nth much special but at least we got tgt after a long while.
Felt pretty bad after drinking, perhaps it's the after effect of drinkin so much consecutively for these few weeks.
Argh darned. I kinda forgot wad I wanted to say.. AGAIN-_-

Tt said, I rly feel like going on a journey. Haha in Singapore cuz I rly rly feel tt there are rly a lot of places tt I haven't went to , and things tt I haven't tried b4. Perhaps going to new places and doing new things wld mean opening up of new doors for this lethargic but still moving mind and body. I don't mind going alone, tho it wld be nice to have a company as well but... I guess nt many ppl will rly haf this need to, erms explore singapore and mayb cleanse their minds and soul.? Lol I Duno if I'm making sense but, yea Tryta make sense out of it.

Hope tt I will be able to attain a higher level of enlightenment soon.

Oh yea i forgot abt this whole Christmas thingy lOl.
so yea. ive always felt smth abt christmas, nt so much of a like religious thingy but i feel tt its a day like u noe, receiving presents and gathering and eating random nice "christmas" food tgt. well but these few years i felt tt it became some sorta obligation to go meet ppl and haf gift exchanges. to the point whereby the gifts were...way below wad i want, and the exchange of 'merry christmas' wif ppl makes me feel pretty fake. cuz for one i totally dont see how saying merry christmas to me makes me feel happier, thus i suppose it shld b the same if it came out frm my mouth. YEA thus i often reject ppl when it comes to xmas gatherings and i wld say things like 'might as well scrape this whole gift xchange thiingy'
and so this year.. i got wad i wanted. no social obligations for christmas gatherings. no gift xchanges. (eh wait i did meet my frens and all pls. i didn jus lamely lie on my bed and cry lol.)and guess wad. it felt pretty horrible as well. perhaps tts still not wad i wanted. lol so... wads over is over i guess, i shld probably jus move ahead and.. find out wad i want for nxt xmas. it will be a long journey but i think.. it willl come to me sooner than i thought.

So! note to self. please do make sure u enjoy ur xmas nxt year alright?! ill be watching and ill be waiting for ur nxt christmas entry!

well tt sums up to all i wanted to say. goodbye for now.=)


I probably shld stop chasing after this bubble dream, no matter how hard I chase, it will only end with it bursting and disappearing into thin air. with me being all alone and lost all over again.

Who.

Deleted the previous entry wif the same title. Hm. I guess I rly don't uds myself sometimes, I wld often say smth and den regret it a moment after.

I guess I shldn always write things here tt makes me sound so depressed.
Life's nt rly tt fun and happy for me but it's... Not depressing for me yet for I've lived thru harder times.

wad i wanted to say was tt I've had those recurring dreams abt u again and each time I wake up wif a heavy heart tt told me tt 'no it wasnt true and in reality, ure fked up' ahh tt feeling sux.

ok i haf a few stuffs to write down but i wldn wan to be naggy and all therefore i wil jus write em down in short paragraphs or rather point forms if possible hahaha.

- Went drinking on fri and i got knocked OUT AGAIN. wth. i rly rly sucked. i...always turn to drinking whenever i haf things tts bothering me but apparently... its nt rly helping, tsk. wad next. i dont noe.

- i kept telling myself tt i dont sincerely truly like this person tt much to the point whereby i get so depressed.? does it make sense? k nvm but more like things add up perhaps, of cuz its nt nice to like a person and u cant get her to like u back but, im me. LOL im nt tt kind of person, perhaps im jus unhappy abt not being able to win, after all, it always seem like a game to me, if i dont win it, i get rly upset. wads worse, if some1 i deem as inferior beat me to it, i will be even more unhappy.

so im trying to convince myself tt tt is the reason y i feel tt way. yea, not bcuz i like u so much or wadever ok. not.

- i watched in a commercial, they said tt we shld give happiness to other ppl this season. but well, if some1 did make me feel slightly happy, i.. dont mind sharing. but perhaps now when my whole life feel so messy, i dont think i shld make other ppl happier. heh, im sore, so wad.

mayb tts enuf for now.
i will try to think more frm ur point of view, while at the same time not forgeting my own welfare. i..will do fine, most probably. no more regrets cy. no. regrets.

Protection

Finally managed to take out my books to study. Omg. tho it's nt a lot but still it's a step forward towards the success.? Lol nt rly success but yea studying is gd.

Shld be gg for exercise later as well since I've been rly rly slacking too too much. It's... Supposed to b my fren's holidays, but apparently they are needed by other stuffs as well, like ICT, or their FYPs and work.? lol. 

It feels kinda yucky to spend Xmas and new yr wif em but I... Rly don't fancy spending it at home. Tho... I can feel tt my parents are somewhat lonely but. Tsk. Argh see hw la hor. 

And yea I've been brainstorming for q a while but I can't rly think of anything nice to do.

alright up nxt,
first i shall apologize for sounding like some emo fker for so long, well i actually kinda exagerated the feelings when im writing, i guess. lol its ALL not tt bad ok??! SO, lets continue updating without being sounding like a freaking emo alright. haha lets go~

so wher was i. yea so i felt kinda bad tt my mum is actually missing my bro who's out of town for work atm, and im... mostly outside or sleeping. LOL so perhaps out of guilt or wadever feelings, i felt tt i rly need to spend some time wif my mum and yea. tho its definitely gonna be damn awkward if any1 sees me wif my mum. why? i aint sure as well but.. yea tts jus hw i felt.

Thus i decided to go take a walk at those new shopping malls at jurong east. kinda funny if its kinda near but i didn make a trip there. uhh so its pretty much a shopping mall. LOL. well at least theres h&m and topmen which is kinda attractive enuf for me to go back.

very very coincidentally, the first thing i saw was you ( yea wif another guy), while im wif my mother -__- wad are the odds of tt happening. it jus seemed damn bloody pathetic.=| but no no, im not living tt sad life wherby i only haf my mum to go out wif.

fine, i actually had a pretty complicated feeling which i havent felt for erm, 2 yrs or so? like im.. supposed to be either livid, or perhaps "oh im happy for u cuz u are doing fine" kind of feeling. but...i..felt...fked up at first but after a while i felt tt its rly damn funny( for some unknown reason, perhaps i was just thinking abt how unlucky i am) and after awhile i felt angry again. heh. poor me. but oh wells. so all in all, i jus felt... pretty normal, aint as bad as i tot it wld be but, i certainly dont feel happy at all.
ok wait i wanted to sound happy. oh so those memories tt came back werent as painful as b4, i can rly look back and yea. not feel dejected like b4. yay.!


SO, do i sound happy enuf? i hope so.

oh anw wad i actually wanted to say since the beginning was, i've always wanted to protect u frm all the shit tt  was going on tt might haf hurt u or make u unhappy, but.. i guess i wasnt able to so.. perhaps the one thing tt i will try my best to protect u frm... is me. :)

bye for now.

The story

A love story is only beautiful when 2 ppl loved each other and end up tgt. If it's not tt way, it jus ends as a joke, a stalker's story tts creepy, an insignificant 3rd party story, or a tragedy.

So no matter how much one person works, suffers, endures and gave, if the story didn end tt way, nth else matters. U jus end as a joke, a creep, a fking loser. Lol therefore, yea it's a reminder to self I suppose. Ive always trusted my feelings, if it doesn't work tt way, it won't happen tt way no matter wad I do. But BUT my body doesn't listen to me. I guess nowadays the link between my body and brain is kinda weakened alrdy, I can't control myself as much as b4.-__- nonetheless, jus a random thought cuz I tot I shld write smth whenever I haf smth in mind if not it's jus gonna end as a post wif words and no feelings like the previous few  b4. Heh. So... Tts abt it for now
I shld jus sleep and conserve energy and money lol

Hope u live well. Hope I will live well too.

Because if I'm able to open tt door, I will be able to see things tt I haven't alrdy seen, a whole new world.

Update.

Jus some updates.
Hmm so firstly, I Duno wad happened to my brain. I hope it's temporary. Tt I'm thinking so much abt smth. While I kept telling myself not to, but sometimes my body just moved on its own and I rly hate it so much. And I even... Omg wth is wrong wif me srsly. And I said I've moved on but I'm jus moving in circles.

So I did, something very off tt day. I kinda regretted it but I... Sincerely can't jus live on while swallowing it in cuz I'm srsly hurt for some reason. But no, in fact I think I'm srsly jus angry wif myself. It's not rly ur fault, I'm jus tt piece of shit tt is not supposed to haf anything. I'm jus not gd enuf tts all. Well I kept telling myself tt it doesn't matter tho I felt otherwise but as I've always said. It doesn't kill me so I can live.

Argh so ok nxt, Went out wif my frens and had lots of gd laughs. Esp when it's been such a long while, it's pretty nice to see tt we are still enjoying each other's company. Even tho I don't noe how long tt can last heh.:|

I need to switch back to the dark side.. I need to.. I wonder y I started changing back again. But no. Come back to the dark side. We need u here. Don't hurt urself anymore, instead... make em pay.

truth.

Frustrated. Firstly, I don't q uds wtf the notes were talking abt. 2ndly, y... Do I still feel for.... I've alr said I won't bother but... I can't lie to myself can I. 3rd... Y.. Can't I resist the urge to.. drink. It comes back to me every few days omg. The rehab shall start soon. Heh.

Jus a random thought tho. I suddenly realized tt I haven't had nice food in a long while. I wonder if it's bcoz I was rly rly saving up or is it bcoz of the fact tt I'm nt eating wif someone who makes me sastisfied wif the whole dining experience. If u get my point. Haha. Of cuz when it comes to food, u popped up into my mind, tt stupid argument on how much u enjoy eating gd food n how much I disagree tt we shld spend a lot of money for food. Tsk aishhh. I still don't think tt I'm wrong, haha it's true tt we shld rly go get gd food once in a while and of cuz I'm not willing to pay a lot of money for it. LOl. Just tt... Nw I sincerely think tt the person ure eating wif... Matters too damn much.
After so many times, I was lucky tt I'm able to keep finding substitutes up till recently.now it feels rly bad. BUT I'm cy. It's ok. I won't die frm tt means it's ok.

Argh. The flu came back again. Hope it doesn't evolve into anything else this time. -_-

Random thoughts

So the dreams returned. :| those deceitful dreams tt made me happy and den wake up in utter disappointment. Lol wth is wrong wif my brain.
So I cldnt sleep the night b4 due to Wadever reasons and realized my computer is nt very...pleasant to spend time wif. Like the lagging and yea the games aren't functioning for some reason. Had the urge to buy a new comp BUT no. I don't haf the spare cash and I dont NEED a new comp I guess. Well tts.... Gd in a way so tt it wldn be smth to pull me away frm my social life, which is alrdy pathetic enuf.
Gah.. Needa... Drink again.. Resist... Ahh omg. So I think I'm rly addicted or smth. Shit. But I gues I managed to.. Ugh. Resist the urge again. Sigh.. It's 2am nw.. And I can't rly slp again. Tsk.

not functioning

apparently my brain's nt rly functioning well these days. nt to mention abt how i cant seem to uds my academic shits, things tt doesnt rly matter kept echoing in my head.
Namely you, you and you.tch.

The urge to drink is no joke. Much as I want to, I rly needa resist it. The after effects aren't rly tt nice to tolerate and it's.. Quite a waste of money if I kept drinking. So luckily, I managed to endure thru it today.! Ha. Hope I cld resist it again tml. And the day after.

So it seems tt I accidentally volunteered to be the organizer for the outings fr my clique. Which is nt v nice but. I feel tt if I don't say anything, nth is gonna happen and after all... I'm very very bored and yeah. Lonely. For now. But at least the nxt outing is alrdy set and most of them are cool wif spending the impt dates tgt. And here comes the nxt qn, shld I work on Christmas. Hmmm.

And work.. When shld I go.. I don't think I've got enuf money yet. And I don't dare to look at it. Omg. It sucks. Money money money. Selling pride for money. :|

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. I'm fine. As always. 

Ogenkidesu Ka.

Kimi wa doko desu Ka.?
Oh genki desu Ka.?
Watashi tachi no ureshii toki wa oboimasu Ka.?

Watashi wa wasurerunakatta.

Ahh. Been a long while since I studied so.. I guess my gears are kinda not functioning properly. Can't concentrate for extended periods of time. Tsk. Well well I guess I jus needa get used to tt kind of lifestyle again.. Slowly. 

Been in the embrace of my frens( ehh not the literal meaning ah.) for slightly too long. Now tt they happened to be busy made me feel kinda. Bored. And of cuz wif the detachment frm other individuals made it slightly worse off. BUT BUT but nt rly regreting cuz I most likely removed some annoyance frm my life or prevented myself frm getting annoyed. Lol better to slice it off b4 the situation gets stickier. So my 'suffering'.? I wonder if it's rly considered suffering but jus um. This boredom tt I'm experiencing now,  is jus a small price to pay for removing a possibilty of greater annoyance in future. If u get wad I meant.

Jus to sum up, I'm feeling extremely bored. And it's most likely caused by myself but I don't rly regret my actions.

Tch. I promised myself not to anymore, but wells.Curiosity kills the cy. Teh. Nth special  tho. Ha...ha.  Ugh. Thinking of food. But still needa watch my diet and all. Screw this shit lol. Y do I Hafta be so conscious abt my weight and all. K no, more like my shape and all. Zzzzz 

Grr. Grr. Ah........ Tts it for now. 

Choices.

There's this point of life whereby u tot uve got like so many frens and u feel tt u don't haf enuf time to entertain all of em. Den u start to ignore some of those whereby u think they won't b useful to u in future, or those less physically attractive ones, those less interesting ones. And den after filtering them out, u feel tt ur life is pretty perfect. Den comes the time whereby ur remaining frens jus so happen to b bz and u needed someone to talk to or hang out wif, u started thinking abt, "sigh, shld I talk to this person.? Hmm better not since tt person is not in the 'chosen' list" and den u look thru ur contact list and start striking out names which u won't wanna hang out wif. Until u reach the last one on ur fonebook and u laughed. "Fk it, I'll jus slp. "

Tts. Probably why. I'm lying down here right now. Hahahaha.