Trying

So it's like I can barely control my sanity.? Like I decided "ok I'm not gonna do this" and den jus moments later, I started doing it. Lol wake up cy. Stop doing this to urself. Don't lower ur own market value ok ? zzzz


uhn nth much abt work, jus the fact tt im jus chilling my way frm 830 - 6. and when its 6pm. woOoots. rush home. and still ended up in a jam tt made me reach home at 730+. like srsly?? but oh well... didn managed to do any reading up or preparing for work so.... i guess ill jus do it later lOL.


i duno but i hope this string which i tried so hard, which took me so much courage to hook wont jus snap tt easily cause... it rly aint ez lol. soOOooo please stay hooked for a little while longer? let me find sth to look forward to in tt mundane life. at least for now, jus like u did a couple of years ago.


yes please.

missing.

sometimes i kinda miss the old me.
tt arrogant prick, who felt tt no one is even near his level and someone who's rly confident in whatever he does. lol


who am i now, i.. dont noe yet. cuz at the moment, im feeling useless, lol there are so many things which i dont know, and there are so many things tt i felt tt i wont be able to do it even if i tried hard. perhaps its just a matter of perception, or izzit a change of heart. nonetheless, i dont believe tt my current feelings are rly acceptable. i haf to be confident, and minus away tt arrogance yea? loll.


anndddd. i guess its nice to visit ur past occasionally, so tt u cld understand wad made u urself today. but of cuz, dont get drawn too far in? heh.


like a moth flying towards the torch, i knew tt i wld get burnt but i guess i cant help it.

gains and losses.

err. my call wasnt rly for u but. erms. well. i guess i shldve been more straightforward, and be more like a man instead of jus praying tt u can uds my intentions frm my ambiguous calls.


nonetheless, for tt random person who responded, i.. i duno, i dont know how i shld react u noe, since u jus popped out randomly and lets see. perhaps im jus jumpin to a conclusion, i hope tt my conclusion wasnt with u u see.


so i dont know, i do need someone to talk to but i wasnt hoping that it wld be u... anw, lets see how it goes? cause... i dont think i haf the time to funk with ppl's hearts nor the courage to endure being hurt no more. sighh.. im gonna assume tt the nxt relationship ill be getting into, wld be my last since i... Rly do not want to go thru tt kind of period anymore.








anw, these few years, ive made a couple of decisions, ones tt changed my life, changes my life, gonna change my life. and most of it i made it on my own so.... no matter if it goes right or wrong, i cant blame anyone else for it and ill say tt i made the "best" choice given the situation and pressure. it wld seem tt it is wrong but, i guess it wldve been a rationale choice?  nobdy noes if our choices then wld go right or wrong, it all boils down to probabilty. so... Yea, I'll live with it. Frens I'd chose to distant from, hobbies tt I gave up on, I'll probably get them back after my life settled down, and I do hope tt those frens of mine wld still be there lol.

Things I've gained.? My character perhaps. I've pretty much fit my character to suit the ppl I hang out with, and after some years, I think I finally stopped trying to live to fit into other ppl and jus be myself. And well memories, no matter gd or bad, those were the things tt made me me. Uh. Tts it for now, becoming q naggy and I think it's gonna b a problem lol.

Be Back soon

shout.

the shot into the dark, the scream into the abyss.


i sincerely dont know wad my course of actions were for, but.. i guess i just wanted to try. trying harder than i shld, harder than normal ppl wld have to. so yes, the shot is out, and whether u heard it, is up to fate, and up to how much weight i'd held in ur heart.


nonetheless, the results doesnt rly matter, for i am alr used to life w/o u ppl. so..yup, heres a goodbye to the past self and a hello to the me whos gonna embrace the future.




:))))))




.... ahh.... yea, did i jus lowered my guard towards tt person now? fk me, lOL... god...it sure is hard to keep my guard up at all times yea?? but i suppose tts wad i hafta do in order not to get hurt.. sighhhh..

journey's end.

it seems like its cfmed. heh, i think i got it. yays? but... wad is this feeling of emptiness, wad is this tt im feeling. its like within my grasp but i dont own it. lol i dont noe, perhaps its just tt i havent signed the contract yet and thus i cant believe tt idea yet.


nonetheless, its worth looking forward to.


cant rly slp these days, and i wonder y. lost in thoughts? mayb. excited? mayb. but pls let me slp ? lol. anw, i think i might not wanna get back at tt asshole who damaged my pride. why? its petty. its lowering my level to deal with ppl and their cheap taunts. i guess i shld jus let it slip, as i shld haf done so in the beginning instead of even ranting in my blog.


had many wants these days, wanting to thank all the ppl who helped me, who didn give up on me. wanting to meet all those i didn get to meet. feeling all emotional tt yay, this tiring journey is finally ending. but well, its rly nth special. its smth everyone got, so i dont think i needa feel too happy abt it and i didn rly get something rly awesome anw. but im still happy k. well at least, i guess i shld stay as the person i am now. humble, nice, helpful, thoughtful. lOL.


i almost changed to another person jus cause i finally got smth which i shldve got few mths ago, in fact, a year ago. so yea cy, dont be a fking moron pls? its nth to b proud of. its just smth u shldve done like, eons ago so yea.


be humble, be nice, go the extra mile for the ppl who cared for u, and a further mile for those who didn, so tt they will in future. heh. yea. take note k bye.

the promised time.

was looking forward to this week cause tt person said tt she will finalize my job application by then. as much as i was looking forward to it, im rather scared of disappointment since, w/o any confirmation, those verbal agreements held no weight. nonetheless, i wanna look forward to it. for a pessimist, im pretty optimistic :)


anw, was rly pissed at how disgusting some ppl are. but at the same time... i dont noe if im right, if i had the right to feel disgusted. i uds his behavior but i cant tolerate it so... wad shld i do? shld i think of ways to get back at tt person?  beats me tho, since i'd wanted a true peace in my world, but.. arh... anyway, perhaps ill get better soon, perhaps ill haf a chance to get back at tt person nxt time. so i guess i shld be a wuss/magnanimous person and jus let it slip for now.

nonetheless, i shld keep in mind this well-known fact abt keeping ur frens close and keeping ur enemies closer, so yea. and we'll see, if my kind personality can defeat tt vengeful side of mine.

i guess no one else knew how i was treated tt made me so unhappy, but well, tts a story for another time. lets just leave it at tt and i'll prolly explain in greater details if 
(1) i see the need to
(2) im able to gain some greater insight when i revisit this matter in future. 

forgotten.

i almost forgot tt this world is a cruel place, the closest person to u cld be ur worst enemy, the only one who can rly be trusted is urself. haha nth special but jus tt a minor discussion at home triggered this memory which ive almost forgotten.


u noe, being close to someone and being comfortable makes u lower ur guard, & tt is a bad thing to do, lowering ur guard against anyone tt is. cause when u lower ur guard, u tend to talk abt all sorts of things with tt person, and then, tt person who might haf ill intentions, will try to understand ur weaknesses and use it against u sometime in future, when needed to. arhhh tt sucked so much, not being able to trust other ppl tt is.


its more painful when, u knew tt it might happen but u chose to trust tt individual, and hoped tt he/she will understand and support u no matter wad happens. and then "pop".  ouch. hahahah


sighhhhh, its ok, it hurts but it wldnt kill and if it doesnt killl, it makes me stronger. and thx for reminding me this cuz sometimes i get complacent and if i dont keep this in mind, there mightve been more dire results.


soooOOoo, cy oh cy.. remb, trust no one.

Crazy.

i must be outta my mind. lOL. to think that i've actually spewed such weak nonsense from my mouth. guess there are times where one just felt weak and worthless after going throught some stuff. LOL. who am i to cower in fear now, i dont deserve to. cause i havent been born weak, i dont haf the right to be a coward.


perhaps memories are trying to tear me down, past failures are trying to mock my confidence. but no. im gonna burn it all away with a fire so bright, that everything that came before that would be obscured.


the memories that i wanted to relive in, the past tt i wanted to return to is no longer there, and im assuming that our brain has this basic self-defense system tt removes the bad memories and kept only the fond memories. which is most likely the reason why i kept having the thoughts of getting the things tt i gave up on back. that is totally stupid and illogical. since theres no longer anyone there waiting for me in the past, i can only go forward.

For i might find somebody waiting for me in front, instead of jus getting myself forgotten by trying to go back to the past.


wake up cy.

Numb.

Met up with friends for a little catchup. I wld say it is pretty boring as ppl are stressed up with their work and all that prolly made them lose their humour lol. Perhaps I lost tt as well but, nonetheless, having a catchup is better than nth. Heh.

So I guess the gist of this catchup is prolly jus for ppl Wif problems to talk it out with the others such tt they cld get it off their chest or smth. I suppose no one can help them with their own personal issues except for they themselves. anddddddd. My friend's situation is kinda like mine, and it triggered some memories tt Ive almost forgotten. It made my heart feel a little sour cuz it's almost like looking at the CY one year ago, with pretty much the same pinch, the same denial, self reproach etc. And then I reminded myself not to feel anything since its alr been a year or so. Yea I shldve been numb, and I shldnt be even thinking anything luxurious like tt. I needa earn my living first lol. Yes . Ok I've jus successfully convinced myself lol.

Anw, as for wad have I been up to these days.? Nth much. Am jus getting along with life hoping tt it wld get better. Was told to wait for confirmation and it seemed almost like I'm ALRDY accepted and I jus had to wait fr the time to come. But, I dun know, I sincerely hope tt Im RLY accepted Cuz I'm RLY rly tired of looking further lol. However of Cuz, I think I needed to be prepared for the worst too. I think I sounded pretty short of confidence, weak, and shit. I know how I sound like and there are valid reasons for all these. I've failed so many times, and I just learned to embrace tt fact tt I can fail, & when it happens, I've gotta know wad to do. 

I don't noe, shld i not even think Abt failing .? Like not letting failure be an option. So tt I wld be more determined to do smth.

Or shld I come up with contingency plans such tt I won't panick when I Didn manage to complete smth, and I'll be able to continue moving despite having any setbacks.

Gets me thinking, pondering, I'm still growing, still evolving, still adapting to the world. And I suppose I shld get to an ideal point where I am mega determined to do smth and at the same time not be afraid to fail. 

Cy is still there, faster better stronger.

Nv say never.

the hopeful.

its almost been a year since spinelli KAP closed down. wad haf i achieved thus far? mayb nth much. and tts pretty depressing. as ive said then, when the end comes a new  beginning, apparently it rly wasnt a beginning for me cause ive been jus bouncing to and fro frm that same spot.


i thought tt i was moving forward but i slowly realised that im still stucked there.


i wonder wad made me become wad i am now. is it because of the increased contact with my parents and my family? the reduced no. of times tt i had to make my own decisions? when the time i had to make a certain decision, i realized that i was rly hoping to discuss it with someone else. and not able to make my own decision on the spot.


ive grown weaker. without realizing. 


my confidence, my pride, my problem solving skills are on the decline. i used to be strong, able to stand on my own 2 feet w/o any aid from anyone. i used to be dependable. but now, i feel so helplesss on my own, im depending so much on other ppl tt i felt tt ive became a liability. no CY no. ure better than that.


and here i am, trying my best not to pray, tt i will get a favourable reply soon. but u noe, i wanna end this journey quickly, regardless of the sacrifice tt i hafta make. sso yea. take note ok? cy. regain urself. regain ur honour, ur pride, ur screwed up attitude. =|