I'm not tt noble.

If I can't love u can I hate u..? Whenever I see u I will feel smth so if it can't be love, it shld be hate right.? I hate hw weak I was.? Am .? were.? Still am. I hate tt i still Hafta see u, cuz I noe if I don't see u, I can jolly well live emotionlessly, not happily but at the very least not sad.
Haha I guess it's smth tt u don't quite agree wif, but I guess most guys are like tt, I am no different.

I'm not tt noble to forget all tt I've given and not getting anything in return. I'm not tt noble to continue making ur life better while not having mine nt getting any better.

I didn change, it's jus tt I stopped caring.

Argh. Ran out of ideas again lol.  Today's supposed to be a bad day but Somehw I made it thru.:) tml shall be better I hope and i hope sat will be best day.! Haha

Note to self, resist the loneliness for now. It's gonna be fine it's gonna be fine.

Hurt

I'm not a violent person and in fact, I've never ever liked to resort to violence. if possible, I've always  hoped tt I can rly jus laugh and smile and talk over everything. I rly wanted to treat ppl nicely and
 make everyone happy, tt way I can be happy too. Perhaps tts wad everyone is born to be, however at some point of time, they.. Change, as per the 'prisoners dilemma', smarter humans realized tt if they take advantage of another human's kindness and trust, and 'cheated' in their interactions, they will be able to gain much more frm wad they are originally supposed to gain.

This doesn't jus apply in economics sense but in our everyday life as well. And ppl, who aren't as smart, will also realize their disadvantage if they remain as they are, and thus, any rationale human wld choose to be stop trusting other ppl which, prolly is the reason why the world is as this state now.

I guess I'm prolly the later. I used to be nice to ppl until I realise tt if I'm nice, ppl will feel tt I'm a pushover and start lording over me and make me do things tt wld make them happier while I.. Unhappier.? Lol if there's this word haha. Well ya tts most likely why I'm wad I am now. adapt, change, survive.

I didn want to hurt u. But I don't quite like the fact tt I need to tolerate any of tt. I'm a superior being in every aspect, no reason why I Hafta lower myself. Heh if u noe wad I meant. Pls stop makin me hurt u. It sux cuz even I'm starting to hate myself.

Kkk nxt, it's kinda ironic tt we're so similar but I Duno if u realized. Mayb cuz u didn even bother knowing, mayb it's because I'm constantly trying to hide my character. But frm my perception, we. Are so god damn similar in terms of character. We.. Keep the distance cuz we don't want to get hurt, even wif tt said, sometimes we do irrational things. There's. So much more but I ain't gonna list them all down. Ah but Perhaps tt is wad ppl said... Like poles repel. We're going our seperate ways.

I'm. Sorry cuz I feel tt I'm gonna hurt u more than u shld be cuz sadly, I'm jus using u conveniently. Mayb u are doing the same but I.. Don't quite like the idea of having to settle wif smth tts nt my first choice, nor second, nor third. I'm sry but pls. Im sry I'm sry. Let's keep the distance.

I don't wanna hurt and I don't wanna get hurt no more. I had a human heart after all.

argh.

how do you like it when the thing tt u've worked hard to get for a few months to get got taken away by someone else who prolly didn even put in any effort and tt person is kinda like "hey dude, check it out, ive got this bitch and u lost u fking loser"
ho my mother father. can u imagine how much vulgarities tt went thru my mind..? arh.. i needa... calm down... perhaps.. chill and argh fk.

yea im...... ready to write a song. to tell world how much i hate this. how much hatred I haf for this world, hw many ppl i want to get rid of frm this world. perhaps.. perhaps.. i will destroy u first.
:)

This... Unhappy feeling.. Let's hope tt it will all disappear by tml.fk all these, where's my beer.

The brokened shall remain brokened and mayb break down further. Other pieces will able to shine better when placed in contrast of tt broken vase

Resist.

Nth much for today. Just lyrics.

"Love always ends with tears
but lingers in your heart
It blocks your path
so you can never run away
Don’t forget the memories of our love
I’ll only be happy if you
keep it in your heart forever

Sing a song for me
So I can send it to her
Love (yeah) Affection (yeah)
I want her to take it away
Yell loudly for me
And send it to her
Today (yeah) tomorrow (yeah)
Tell her not to look for me

Tell her not to look for me

The idea of having to protect something
Even though it wears you out,
even though you go crazy,
Doing that for you, I went crazy.
I was a ballerino that danced for you
at your beck and call.
Your face turned red as you laughed at me,
All darkness turned to light.
Even though the world turns
we said that we wouldn’t,
That we would always stay together.
We promised we would follow
one path together
But I’m alone
Still I reluctantly dance to the lingering music
Like a carousel in a darkened carnival
I’ll keep on smiling till deaths"

Heh kinda interesting lyrics to read lol.:| and sry for copying wholesale and jus removing some repetitive parts.

All tt I wanted to say for today is, I hope someone wld sing a song for me so tt it will reach her heart, As I rly feel tt I'm slowly getting torn apart day by day.  I wanted to leave so much,  but after seeing my bank account balance.. I simply walked away wif a frozen smile. But this pain.. Is quite hard to bear. Bleh

Jus woke up frm my slp and dreamt of woot. Fun joy and laughter. But as I come back to this reality, boredom, sorrow and fatigue hit me lol. Wad now, more challenge awaits me. I mus perservere and endure till I haf enuf money and walk out like how I walked in. For now... I shall live a sorrowful life. Light will embrace me after this test. Gah

slack

ive been slacking abt too much recently. completely ignoring my academics... aint rly a gd thing to do.

today's gonna be short. im not going into details.
i..still tink of u once in a while, but im quite..okay wif u being in the past and u wont appear in my life anytime soon.

i cant let u go even if i tried hard to. i wonder wad happened to u but.. well if possible, if theres a chance. i will still be there for u.

im. quite tired of my life now. its too meaningless. no. i dont like this. break free of these soon pls cy

Filthy humans.

ive previously wrote a whole post of complaining abt assholes ive had to deal wif ytd wif the above title.
den when i woke up in the morning, it occurred to me tt whining bout them aint gon be useful at all. so i might as well remove the whole thing.
hmm prolly to sum up, theres a cheapskate bitch who said tt students were taking up space and not making it profitable for us and she herself only bought 1 drink and took up the space for 3 ppl for like wad 2hrs+:? yea. and this dumb dude who's constantly tryin to slack off and tryin to convince me tt he constantly needs to shit for like 10++ mins. and lastly this weird human who likes to come late, oh no, likes to do weird things b4 coming to work and end up reaching like 1hr - 2hrs late. i wonder wads going on in their brains. jus looking at them makes me realize how disgusting a human's character can get, i... there will be more of these. there will be.. for there are alot of lowly characters running all over this earth. am i fit to criticize them? i hope so.

well well, tt sums up wad was intended for this post. to top up, im going to say smth.. slightly uplifting. haha. i went home after a tiring day at work and waited for dinner. hmm if i didn remb wrongly, last week they went out to haf smth nice tgt while im nt ard. so i tot today they are gonna do the same. den my bro went home and its jus left wif the 4 of us=.= which probably means tt we're jus gonna eat some random shit to simply fill our stomachs. i guess im feeling sore, since ive had a tough day, i wanted to eat smth nice badly and when i dont get it, im..grumpy lOL.so i told my family abt how disappointed i am and i wanted to EAT smth NICE, my dad ended up accomodating to my demands.. my god. why. and he said i cld order anything tt i wanted to order, and so i did. heh. but of cuz i chose the cheaper ones cuz even i might feel ashamed once in a while.
so yea tts pretty much all. jus so u noe, my dad is the kind who wld argue wif a kueh seller over like 20cents? but he actually gave in to my whining and ended up paying for a 40+ dollar dinner ( prolly nt rly considered expensive) but he cldve jus said no and merely buy us random food wif a total bill of proly bout 10+ dollars? eh it kinda surprised me but i guess he cld rly see my disappointed face and thus the decision. sigh. if only i got like loads of money.. i wanna buy my family some nice dinner too. =| perhaps.. soon..i hope. if smth nice happen to me i will.

Sore.

So I've been thinking, ' Haf I been thinking too much.?' Hahaa funny isn't it. Frm the beginning, I shldve stood and watched frm a higher position instead of jumping down into the mud pool and drowning myself in it. I'm constantly feeling sore whenever smth near me got taken away...well, truth is it nv belonged to me and... I'm jus feeling unhappy tt someone else is happy and not me.:| sore loser.? Perhaps I am. But, isn't it humane.? Which... Shldnt be the case for me tho. Argh, I constantly needa remind myself. "These are of minor concerns... These aren't impt..don't be stupid"

Constantly struggling between the light and the dark, I can feel so much anger today and it all got removed by my own comforting the nxt day. Funny, while at the same time ironic tt I've always tried to comfort other ppl and I ended up having to comfort myself as well. Anyway, one day I wld most likely gonna be pulled in and get stucked in the darkness, so let this post be a reminder to my future self tt even I had moments wherby I'm actually feeling happy for other ppl's happiness and I wld gladly go the xtra mile to make some1 else's day and not expecting any returns at all. Hahaha.. There are moments like tt... Only when I'm irrational. :) most of the time... I'm evil. Heh.


Need to wake up early tml.. Darned.
I wonder wad I will be tml, let's just hope it's smooth sailing.

Oh jus some side updates. Got a belated bday present frm my dear fren. Which made me kinda happy and sad at the same time, haha of cuz anyone wld be happy to receive a present but...... After I opened the present, I can't help but to give a cold laughter. Sincerely a bad present, it's so bad tt when I showed other ppl, they actually tot tt it's a prank or smth. But well well, a present is a present. I.. Shall accept tt sincerity and ermm .. Prolly chuck the present somewher lOl.! And yea. a return present is a must.

Oh fk I missed my bus.

like a fool.

i really wonder. if i shld b happy or angry. the sad truth will always appear in front of my eyes and try to convince me to stop doing all the stupid shit tt ive been doing. but... cant u jus give me happiness alrdy? ive sincerely ran ard in circles and haf worked so hard all these while. so... stop, stop torturing me wif all ur pranks alrdy pls? yea the 67 prank which u did so many times. its rly annoying. uve punished me enuf for my sins i suppose. the repeating of my final year, the failing of my driving tests. isnt it enuf? cant u jus let me haf smth to be happy abt.?

as i was thinking if life's gonna get better cuz... its kinda peaceful these few days till...heh. Seeing some stuffs tt made my mood sank to the bottom of the seabed. Heh. Thus explaining the need for the alcohol again.

here comes the idea. of some ppl nt having to do much and achieving wad everybdy wanted, while some other human fighting wif all their life and nt getting anything in return. wad now. fairness? no such thing. so...im gonna.. keep tt mentality in mind and... twist it to my favour.

cuz good guys dont last. bad guys do.
hatred and anger. ive got so much of both



 lol.

jealousy/nothing.

Jealousy: an emotion, typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.

jealousy. i hope tt my eyes were kinda playing tricks on me and wad i tot i saw was nt actually the thing i saw. nonetheless.. it sux.
work seems pretty much meaningless and the returns.... aint worth the effort. im sincerely considering my dad's offer and hope tt i can jus live like a freeloading leech at home.

argh. outta ideas again...=_= i shall jus end it short... tt feeling of hopelessnes.. the breatheless jealousy... i.. cant take much of it.

its a quarter after 2.im kinda..tipsy as usual.

Nth special. Nth happy. It's q filled wif nothingness anw.

Jus gonna end here.

Heh.U suck. Omg.

Ure blinded.

U are totally blinded. So as I am. I shan't blame u. It's pretty normal for tt to happen, so wad am I supposed to do nw. Start pushing forward.? No. I'm afraid of failure, much more than u do, more than any other human as well. I.. Can't afford to lose anymore, time ain't on my side this time ard and I've got so much to lose as compared to other ppl.

Loads of things I wanted to talk abt but whenever I reach this page I forgot wad I wanted to say.
Well well I shall jus list them down and elaborate if I haf the mood to edit it later.

I don't wan it, but I don't wanna gif it to other ppl either. :| quite evil eh. Part of me told me tt I shld let other ppl haf it so I will feel happy tt at least other ppl are made better off w/o me becoming worse off. Tts econs. Hahah this way, the market will be more efficient. Tt said, the feeling tt someone else is made better off becoz of me while I didn get anything in return makes me feel kinda unhappy. Lol, weird eh.? Y am I like this.

 Tho I feel tt it was q nice to hear quite abit frm u since... I started, no since u started distancing urself frm me, whether it was intentional or not but yes, since tt wide distance widened further, I remb hw it feels like again perhaps. Tho the feeling isn't tt strong as compared to b4, a part of my brain urged me tt "pls protect this person, pls make her happy as much as u can." But, I guess it's beyond my abilities tho. I wanna try harder, I don't wanna give too much. The dilemma I've always been facing these months, I sincerely Duno. I don't noe. I've got no clue.

Screw  me.

Ure blinded, the thing tt u wanted so badly cldve easily be obtained if u looked ard u. It's almost jus right in front of u but u don't see it cuz ure blinded by smth else tt u tot it's urs

You.

"In my heart that let you go

Tears come up and shake me and hurt me
In my two eyes that let you go
Darkness comes to me again

I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I regret because I couldn’t take care of you
I want to forget you, I want to forget you
No matter how much I shout out, it doesn’t work
I go crazy with the memory of you laughin

With the pain of not having you, I shed tears and blow my nose
I want to be a man and just laugh but
I can’t fix the habit of becoming blank every moment
I want to be a man and just laugh "

I'm not smiling when I'm smiling. Becoz I don't even appear in front of ur eyes. U can't even see the look in my eyes when I look at u. I wanna be beside u. Can't u alr noe my intentions. Ain't it obvious Enuf.?-_-

Had a couple of beer again, I guess I'm  tt rottened. Wanted to talk to someone but I don't think there's anybody out there so I am jus chilling while watching some funny vid clips trying to make myself smile. (Non-adult themed.)

Eating and drinking makes me happy slightly I think... But tt void inside needs to be filled by smth else.  Those empty laughters I've been having, those fake smiles on my face jus rubbed against my bad mood and made myself feel more empty.

Duno if I'm making much sense cuz I'm jus writing Wadever tt came into my mind. Hahaa I gues I shall edit it later.

Finally. A small paragraph abt myself... A strange qn tt popped into my head tt I can't get the answer no matter hw hard I try to get evidences frm my past memories.:
I'm kinda funny, I sincerely ain't sure abt what I'm actually like. Am I the weird guy who likes to do strange stuffs to make ppl luff or am I the quiet person who jus likes to sit down and stare into blank. For now I shall jus accept tt I'm both. The person wif probably a split personality, maybe.

Will continue looking for answers. For the qn on wad am I deep inside and to the soln to fill up tt empty soul of mine. Hope remains, the light will be mine one day.

Meaningless

I've been doing quite abit of meaningless stuff recently and I don't like it. Dragging my tired body ard and not getting anything much in return despite my hardwork. Holy cow wad am I doing wif my life. If I jus stop Wadever strange stuff tt I am doing nw, I wld probably end up doing nth which is kinda... Boring as well. Why do I always end up wif this kind of situations.... change in environment? Find smth new in life.? Like wad. -_- change ain't always good. Wif change there cld be a 50% chance of getting a worse life wif contrast to my current state. Tt ain't gd either.

Wanting to talk to sm1 but there isn't anyone whom I can trust. As in nt like my frens won't listen or I don't trust my frens. Hahha but... I don't think anyone wld be able to uds wad I'm rly gg thru. Whining to ppl who don't uds will only result in wad, textbook replies," aww u shld change, aww u shld look on the bright side.." Lol fk tt. I haf all of those answers as well. So yeah. I'm.... Probably jus gonna counsel myself later. Hahaha.

Meaningless meaningless meaningless. Wad shld I do tml.:/


And u suck. Srsly. Why. Why. Why. Why.fk this.

Hw can I smile when I'm nt happy
Hw can I be happy when life is so meaningless
Hw can I find meaning when ur heart isn't here.

LIFE.

nth special as usual! heh. unsure whether tts a gd thing but. same saying goes, nth bad means its good. always wanting to take a step forward but lacking in courage cuz i haf too much to lose. sometimes i rly envy ppl who took the brave step forward and achieved smth incredible. while for my case, i always hesitate and if im not wrong, whenever i step forward, i only get shit results tt deters me frm doing so anymore. well well....

ive... worked hard these few weeks? and yes i needa work harder in academic wise. gotta pick up the pace. and oh, i havent met many of my frens for awhile... hey it aint totally my fault, they are bz wif their stuffs as well ok.
i..rly detest meeting up wif ppl to do "catching up". in a sense cuz im not doing well. and in another way, theres nt much purpose in like catching up wif ppl cuz however they do doesnt rly affect me in any way. true right? and while knowing whether they are doing well doesnt really affect me in a positive way, taking time out of my full schedule jus to meet up wif them affects me in a negative way. like i hafta shagg my ass off further jus to meet up wif em, and arranging timings makes me feel slightly pissed off and furthermore, havin to spend money on meals and stuffs. overall i will gain no utility in meeting them, and in fact my disposable income falls. the final results in a fall in utillity thus, it is irrational to meetup wif those ppl.

well that said, my bro talked to me abt tt as well, he said "y mus u haf a purpose whenever u meet up wif ppl" and my reply was "y not"
err... it is true tho, meeting up wif ppl shld give me positive utility in the form of comfort? tt i will be glad tt the person is doing well and also happiness? tt i am able to luff and joke ard wif them to brighten up my day. that said if the utility is not able to balance out the disutility tt i haf to invest in ie; my time and my money, i shld not go.

hha. sounds just like an econs student trying to reason his way out of his weird thinkings. well well. i shall....hit the roads one of these days ok? yea i will try.

another month

october came.
september was supposed to be the best mth of the year but this year its filled with sorrow, disappointment, anger and loneliness..? heh.

at least the first day of this month was quite... smooth. nth special. nth bad. so its good. pls keep it this way. i shall tryta be nice k