Just another yesterday's idea

So tt marks the end of this week's work schedule. It's pretty... Tiring, given tt I can't slp the night b4 for some unknown reasons. And I wonder why can't I behave cooly as per normal. Something inside me.. Is different and I don't noe what.

Yes am freaking tired after work today but I can't seem to be able to fall asleep at all. And so, I'm mega tired for the rest of the NigHt. DEN, my body started telling me tt "c'mon cy, GET SOME BEER PLS" and yes, uve guessed correctly. I went to get it, and I drank it. Lol as expected, I only managed to get outta my bed at like 3+pm wth.

Suddenly thinking abt some past stuff a lot these few days, perhaps it's jus me trying to distract myself frm the books, a pathetic defence mechanism of my brain trying to take a break frm studying lol. And now I'm mighty behind schedule and tt sucked. My lack of motivation sucked more. Everything else seemed so interesting to me nw, but.. I must press on. Must press on.

Less work days nxt week. Totally contemplating to quit On my way home. But... It doesn't feel gd if I jus left like tt, I pretty much wanna give em hell before I go. So.. Let's see wad I can do.

unfufillable dreams.

have u woke up from dreams that are actually seems to be an alternate outcome of certain incidents in ur lives if u haf nt did wad u did. tt dream..i was so happy in it to the point tt im on e verge of shedding tears of joy. with ppl clapping and cheering for me as i was reaching my destination, and den i woke up.
haaha i guess ive had awesome adventure in tt alternate dimension and the time has come for me to go back to my reality. so 'pop'

im back here. no one at home, no one.. ok one of my fren msged me and yea im 2 days behind my studying schedule. for some reason im super drained out ytd, mayb im too used to having a very relaxed lifestlye. lol. oh anw i finally met up with my frens who're back frm taiwan, as predicted. tt lie i told is starting to haunt me and well its like they noe i lied, i know that they noe i lied, but im jus gonna avoid tt topic in whole. cuz its like a wound tt nv heals and the more i touch it, the more its gonna hurt. well i didn mean to hide frm u guys anw, if i wanted to, i noe i can do it without anyone knowing but u noe, nah.

so argh im suddenly outta ideas, ill.. probably update later. bye. for now :)





Yes so my brain's pretty much dead in the day. Constantly craving for e bed and every other stuff except for studying. Sighh. K so wher was I, oh yea frens. I don't know if I made the right move in trying to remove as much as I can after I failed last yr, but I do think tt I needed some quietness and less ppl to explain to. As I've said a million times, nw tt I'm pretty much free, instead of enthusiastically trying to meet up wif all of my frens, I'm spending more time repaying my debt for being a burden to my family, always showing up to eat free food and not contributing much for them cuz I'm supposed to be 'studying for exams' well, tt excuse works pretty well all the way till, erms this final year tt I jus went thru, it felt to me tt they'd go like "lousy retaining loser".. Well yes I deserved it and I'm nt rly complaining. But well I'll try to go out of my way to please u ppl. However, I guess tt might cause them to start doubting my intentions as well, nonetheless, I'll do wad I can.?

Nxt, abt jobs, I'm totally feeling inadequate for any job tt I see on those hiring ads, nt to mention tt they are lookin for ppl who's got like experience. Those employers looking for entry level employees are also stating tt they are looking for ppl wif GOOD results AND/OR ppl with good internships. Heh. Makes me think tt I'm so so so pretty damn minuscule. -_- I wonder where my confidence went to. I'm. Such an eyesore even to myself these days. Tsk.

The journey.

I've been wanting to go on a journey these days. Heh. Not tt kind of journey ure thinking abt but just a short trip to buy some stuff. Haven't rly went out for a walk since.. God knows when. Lol previously I was bz preparing for my exams, den I started preparing for cfa. And I feel so detached frm the world even tho I'm always walking outside, I'm always outside with a destination in mind like going to work, going to study, going to eat. And not jus hanging out for the sake of hanging out. :| so I wld rly like to do tt someday soon. Like jus chill and walk ard, eating random stuff and not being bothered by other things

I wanted to go today but.. The thought of having a pretty decent free dinner at home deterred me. Lol. Wanted to jus get out of the house and stay out of those weird ass 'dinner meetings' ( bro's gf) but.. The cost of avoiding this thingy is pretty high. Haha. Like of cuz I haf to settle my own dinner. And I wld lose some precious studying time, and.! I'd Hafta find someone to haf dinner wif me and tt wld be pretty much a hassle so, I guess I wld jus stick ard. :>

So yes, I'm still constantly hanging by the edge of the schedule which i had for myself, tho I wld say "why nt cut some slack" hmm, I'm nt good enuf to do tt yet, and I'm slack enuf as it is nw, lol. Wasted a lot of time in the midday watching lame ass cartoons and napping. -__- so.. I guess I shld keep trying and use quantity to overcome the lack of quality.

K tts it for nw. H.m why am I thinking of u.

Meant to break

Abit slow but I only caught the meaning behind the lyrics recently, lol here goes:

"Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes
I know that we were made to break
So what? I don't mind 

I'm gonna stay the night"

Tt shows the sharp contrast between someone hearing smth for a million times and someone actually listening to it once. Heh. It kinda struck me, behind tt awesome dj-ing, there's actually some mini meanings behind the whole song lol. Mayb I'm thinking too much into it but well ok.

If u noe tt smth were meant to break, will u still go ahead and jus live wif it for the day.? Even tho the ending ain't beautiful, at least it's not ugly, isn't tt good enuf.? Trying to resist the urge every other moment and I think for nw I'm doing a gd job at it hahaha. It's like cy once said, how much u are willing to sacrifice to achieve ur goal will determine the probability of achieving it. If ure gonna gif up everything for it, u will get closer to it.
Yea now I haf a goal and I'm trying to get to it. Heh and u... Will most likely get in my way so. I Hafta remove u.

Oh yea trying to get used to irritating and stuck up ppl at work, it's kinda... Nt appealing but I guess I can manage tt. Heh, a preparation for the ugly world out there, and I wonder if I'm ready for it. Perhaps.. Yes I am. ;)) 

-__- back to studying. 

The same way home

So I'm on my way home frm work. On a somewhat similar route. Jus tt this time I came frm somewher else far away than b4. The freaking long journey home is pretty unappealing but well.. Let's see when these will end.

Had a can of beer last night and it was... Pretty much not enuf heh. But it feels pretty nice tt I'm able to drink it again.. For free lol. But as expected, I had to pay the price this morning cuz I totally felt slpy and u noe, the 'awake but I'm nt gettig out of this bed' feeling and I didn manage to study a lot. Thus I'm hyper mega behind schedule. Ha.. But ok I'll Tryta make up fr it tml, since I ain't working and stuff.
So I guess, it felt like I had loads of time bcuz... Yea I haven't rly met up wif my frens for q a while. Wad.? Yes abt mths.? Tts pretty sad but. I think it's still fine cuz time will tell, who are those tt stays, and those who leaves after u lost ur usefulness. I'll.. Get them back. When I get my job. Heh. Catch up sessions? Yes pls. Mofos.

Haha so for now I'm gonna save money as much as I can. I hope I can rly endure thru these days since I'm nt spending any money except for taking the bus to work and frm work. Food gotta come frm work... And home hahaha. Tt is my plan. For now.

So money, cfa, family, frens.... If possible. Oh I think I'm hungry nw. Tsk ok let's go cy.. Haf a lil rest and den go and study ok.? Yea

Living and let live

wad it's a week after my last paper. Didn manage to study a lot last week due to lots of reasons here n dere wif loads of random spendings. Mega tired last night for some unknown reason and I fell aslp at like 9pm.? Hah. Jobs. Oh jobs. I haven't looked thru it yet eh. But well, mayb... Soon.? Tho time is not on my side this time ard. But still, i strongly believed tt gd things are worth waiting for. If smth is chose due to a moment of impulse (w/o knowing the other options fully) one is bound to regret tt decision sooner or later. so yes. It's gon wait for a while.

I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to.

Oh so abt my new workplace.. Things are pretty.. Normal. I hope things won't escalate downwards coz u noe, it's nt rly tt fabulous as of nw. Ppl were saying abt all the politics there and stuff but, I didn get to hear any so... U noe, if u didn hear anything abt other ppl, means they are talking abt u, or they are jus nt talking abt u. Lol. Tho it might sound pretty stupid but to specify, I meant tt they are talking bad abt u behind ur back or ure jus transparent in their eyes. Nowher close to friendship and stuff. But regardless. I don't belong here anw, I'm jus a temporary presence in tt dimension tt is bound to disappear someday soon. No probs. sry if I caused u any trouble, I jus wanted to stay low profile and jus keep out of everyone's way if possible heh.

Nonetheless, it's jus my 3rd day here so. Neh mayb I'll be able to haf a gd relation wif them or, I'll jus leave before tt happens. I'll do my best and, yup, stay out of stuff. Teh heh.:)

Tsk must.. Study.! LOL screw my lazy ass. Tsk

How long has it been

Wad...3days.? Sure did seem like helluva time to me. But nt rly. I didn rly did much these days. Wells yes went to work on tue.. tt wasn't particularly pleasant but.. I'll Tryta get used to it yea.? Heh, and ummm. Oh I bought my family a pretty.. Nice.? Some overpriced bak kut teh. But well ok. I rly do needa thank my family for Wadever support they gave me. Tho I can't rly think of any atm, perhaps not getting in my way or raining harsh words on me helped pretty much. I won't say tt they don't depise me for failing, but at least I didn hear their negative comments so it's nt tt bad. I'm totally fine wif ppl not helping, and I'm rly thankful if no one stood in my way. And they didn so I'm glad.? Kind of.

Heh. Studying wasn't rly going too well these days. I'm super sleepy in the day for some unknown reason. But well. I rly gotta buck up frm tml onwards.? K mayb sat. Hahaha. Cuz I'm working tml. Ugh tt very thought kinda disgusts me to a great extend. Wel fine.

Anw, been restraining myself pretty hard these days. It's for the greater good. Even if u can't see it now, mayb someday u will uds. If u bothered to look back wif a more matured mentality. It was a mistake to begin wif. It wldve been ideal if the seed of future problems are weeded out b4 it grew deep roots. So yea. I hope I can do so frm my part too. The lonliness tt I'm handling.. Ain't rly helping. Argh argh. Yea k fk it. Lol

Side note: had a rly weird random dream today. It felt surreal. And left me wif some lingering sorrow. But tt won't affect me since I'm so so so different frm back then  I've alrdy matured into.. Well not. Ive always been like this since then. The only thing tt changed was the distance between us. So. I'm gon wipe tt part of memory away I guess.

"Delete."

begining

everything tt has a beginning has an end, when one thing ends, another thing begins. slightly looking forward to it yays.
so its like this, im done like for real this time. wif my uni studies. and much as i wanna to talk abt all those sad stuffs tt happened before tt led up to this moment, i decided not to. cuz i dont think tt there are any wrong decisions. cuz, as a door shuts, another door opens. i dont think i rly wasted this year, i see smth more than living life and jus barely surviving. now.. i see it. i want to do well. i want to shove shit into ppl's face. i wanna step on their bloody heads. and tt shall be my motivation to wanna do well. heh =)

so yes. my future..seems slightly clearer now, at least i haf a direction tt i wanna go to. so yup. heres to a new beginning. and the end of other things. i hope.

lost no more.

Limit.

So I was thinking why am I so unable to concentrate ytd even after I showered and drank coffee. So I guess tts where my mental limit is. Or rather the limit of my "brain". While my mind is dead set on studying, I can't concentrate, can't absorb, can't comprehend. So my body moved ard to help stimulate my brain but alas, even with all those external stimulants. It didn work. I slept.

And even now, I'm barely awake. Tiredness. This sucks pretty much cuz it has nth much to do wif willpower. It ain't smth like "I will definitely learn smth if I sit here staring at this for 2hrs" so it sucks.
Well.. At least tt help me wif smth. Like it provided a gd feedback and I guess if I noe wad is wrong, I can improve on it.
My willpower is strong, but theres only so much my brain can take.
.
.
.
And so I'm continuing after my paper, how to say, I'm pretty lucky.? The qns looks pretty familiar to me. Like the ones tt I somehow focused on, how Lucky can I be. So well still tired as shit. Won't say tt I'm gon score well but... At least it's nt a horrible paper wher I start cursing all the gods for pulling a fast one on me while I'm doing the paper. And no, wasn't thinking abt wad I shld haf for lunch too. Heh so.. I think it's a gd one. One interesting thought flashed through my mind tho ,"oh it's been abt 1 hr and I'm tired, can I jus stop now"

Teh heh.
"Time was your only ally, but now, even it had forsakened u."

On the way

Currently am on the way to the airport for a long awaited getaway. :))
Not.
Going early to study probably since.. Singapore' traffic is pretty scary during the peak hours tt I Duno extends frm wad time to wad time. Cuz according to my experience, normally work starts at 8+9.? But some how the crowd is still pretty scary at 9++. So wad exactly are those ppl, i don't noe, I'll find out soon.?

So yes, took an early bus ride and Mrt ride to avoid the crowd. The long train ride was supposed to let me haf a good slp to make up for my lack of it. Haven't been sleeping well for q a while now. But I can't seem to b able to fall aslp atm so I jus stoned. While at the same time thinking and planning out my future. At least what to do for the nxt few mths. I was so engrossed in thinking abt the future tt I almost forgot abt the present. I guess tt happened to me pretty frequently these days. I think so much abt my future tt I... Forgot tt I haf to get thru this exam first no matter what. So.! Yea I'm back to reality wif a snap of the fingers. Argh. It's... Gonna be so tiring today and tml... And the nxt few days but.. I'll try my best to move my burnt out body.. To study..

Let's go cy.

Gloom.

Yay.! So I finished one major paper today.! And it's pretty much a job pretty okaylly done. Lol. Not.

Hah. Well I'm rly glad tt I had helluva good start but, apparently this paper was like way easier than last year's paper. A part of me was thinking damn this shit, if this came out last year, I wldnt haf had to take again this year, y didn they set smth harder so tt I can shine better,( well cuz I've studied q abit of those hard qns, non-standard types) but well, since I'm able to do this paper pretty well, and all I hoped for was a pass, I shldn be too upset abt anything yea.?

Tt aside, had some trouble trying to slp last night cuz of prolly caffeine.? Or exam stress, so I went to read my own blog post frm Many years ago cuz I was thinking if it's alr the 10th year tt I'm blogging, lol. But nope, 9years and counting. Heh. Anw  I noticed the Trend of the contents of my blogs tho, it gets... Gloomier as time goes by. I wonder if it's the same for everyone else but, perhaps:

(1) tt cuz ppl started experiencing more unhappiness and their whole character gets darker as they grow old, well growing up in this harsh world ain't ez.

(2) perhaps my purpose for blogging changed over the years.? Well apparently it was first created to let ppl read abt my life happenings.? Then blogging started losing the heat among my peers, ppl stopped blogging. I wonder if it's a worldwide trend or it's jus tt ppl stop doing tt when they grew older. Well I restarted blogging cuz... I was bored.? Lol yea cuz I had nth to do at work wif a comp and internet in front of my face. So.! Blogging to me now is like a platform,? For me to express all my unhappiness, prolly jus a little bit of happiness.( nt many gd things happens to me anw) ya. Expressing my pent up anger since.. As an adult, I can't rly jus go rant and curse and swear at Wadever unhappiness tt I'm facing yea.? Learnt to tolerate, learnt tt somethings are fine even if they aren't ideal. Unhappy but, change wasn't rly necessary.
So ya. Perhaps tts y my entries get darker and darker

So.! Tt said, perhaps I shall jot down stuffs tts happy.? Hah. First paper wif greatest weightage is done and I think I did satisfactorily.? If there's this word.
And I finally got to play band hero wif my bro. Tho.. It didn't rly bcome v fun prolly cuz of my fatigued body, but.. Loved it. Heh.