Last year.

It's kinda bad when I'm enjoying some good music and some alone time, only to hear my mum calling and start yapping over the phone. Totally spoils tt poetic mood.? Hahaha but oh wells. Imma not gonna b too bothered abt it.

hmm so it's July alrdy. Cuz school term starts sep and ends with June so it kinda knocks off my sense of time. In contrast to um, the normal previous kiddish school term tt starts wif jan and ends with dec. hahaha so... How long has it been since then, a year.? Or 2. I can't really tell but I guess the minute details could well be overlooked.
July. A month which I kinda hate. Well cuz it's ur bday month. Errr or rather u and u. Lol screw this shits. Jus thinking back makes me kinda angry, abt how weak I was. Lets see, I guess Im really way stronger than I was since u. back den I was jus a stupid kid who doesn't noe shit I guess ure really happy now which... Is not tt gd for me:| but oh wells tts life, life's unfair so I'm jus gonna suck it up and die at some corner.
Oh okay. Ur turn. K I guess it's a year ago, tt struggle, tt last fight, the ups and downs. I....wonder how u are now but, not tt it's got anything tts gotta do wif me anymore so, imma jus fk it. I've moved on, grown up further, is wad I wld like to say but I ain't too sure abt tt anw. Hahaha. Moved on. I think so.? After not seeing u fr months, I didn feel anything special no more, I think tts wad they call, woot? Uh yea getting used to smth. Yea gd luck to u.
Yup yup abt the growing up part, I.....am rly nt too sure. I was certain tt Ive learnt alot but, I guess I can't change who I am deep inside. I'm tt piece of shit, which will most likely remain as shit no matter how u process it? Blah. Nt makin sense oh well.

july. happybirthday. its okay if u dont rmb. ill keep all those memories with me.thegdonesandthebadones.

i want to.

i want to sleep.
i want to drink.
i want to party.
i want to hold you in my arms.
i want to be happy.
i want to live meaningfully.

but i. didn wanna jus end my day like this meaninglessly.
but i. needa wake up early tml morning for work.
but i. didn haf enuf partying frens to go with me and just let it loose.
but i. didn haf the courage nor the abilities to.
but i. am not doing anything to change it.
but i. am unwilling to step out of my comfort zone tt could change my life.

i.tried to love myself but i cant erase the fact tt i hate myself. its. all abt me. im selfish, cuz there aint no one who wld take care of me if i didn.

random notes.

im fine. living day by day meaninglessly. dafuq am i doing. dafuq am i doing to myself. i dont noe. that unpredictable future, i dont like it. i dont suppose ive written it here right, i dont like things tt doesnt behave/happen within my predictions, expectations. it sux.well that said, wad happens outside ur predictions could bring u unexpected surprise that would u noe, bring unexpectedly intriging results.

but bleh i dont like it. i want things to happen, i dont wanna hope for things to happen. if im making any sense. yea tt feeling, when tml aint worth looking forward to, and that paradox of u being sick of ur current lifestyle but sick of making changes to ur current steady state. what now. stop and stare?

what..am i. what.. do i want. like seriously. cy... i guess im using these time to mayb take a slow pace and start thinking abt myself. me and yea me. at the moment.

sober.

its a quarter after one, im a little...... meh fk it, okay, to be exact its 3:05am to be exact. im a little drunk., meh i aint. if only it took more to get me drunk.

well i ran outta ice first b4 i ran outta mixer or alcohol. =D.
well a random update for my life, hmm now its 3:51am. i.. held off the update till now so tt i wld b less sober to update.

well to be exact, i guess tt ppl wld be more, erm truthful when they are more drunk and less sober.? heh. here i am now. i kinda drank more than i shld and im.. a lil bit.. meh. felt like throwing up. i gues tts where my limit was. as weak as usual. as fked up as usual.
i.. felt bad for myself. i.. cant love wad i loved. i cant do wad i wanted to do. in fact i aint even sure wad i wanted to do.
went back to work at tt same old place wif hope tt i wld be able to create a better workplace for them, since loads of shit went awfully wrong. how to say. in the first place, im not one who wld follow rules to the letter. in fact i love challengin the rules or wadever standard way of doing stuff. however this time, when i went back dere, its kinda sad tt nobdy follows them anymore, well its kinda bad cuz they didn even ensure the quality of the stuff there. as i always said, if u can deliever quality, i dont care wad method u use. im jus interested in the end result.

bleh those ppl. sighh. are jus cutting corners whenever wadever. so sadly, i had to emphasize on like rules? which i hated it to begin wif but them ppl, haf to be get their basics right and someone has to make sure they get it right. yawns. and its got to be me somehow.

i cldve, jus let things roll on its own. i guess nth huge will happen but, i dont like it, if no one bothers, everything crumbles.slowly, bit by bit, why wld i bother, hmmm. mayb cuz i dont like seeing ppl slacking off too much? or mayb jus coz i wanted to keep tt place running properly cuz ure there.

bleh i cant stay for long, and the moment i step outta there, everythings gonna return to tt screwed up situation which i dont like but...argh oh wells ill see how it goes.


kkk nxt issue! hvent met up wif my frens for a long while, theyve been meeting up tho.. like for lame ass lunch at some kopitiam=.= wtf. and playing table tennis? and basketball.. hahah all those shits tt i dont do.. i wanna party all night! and sleep all day but .. my frens arent tt type.. =( i guess i..... shld b alone after all. heh. tts it for now. i guess,

Tomorrowland

Ain't it strange when u dont even understand urself.?
Cause I, really don't understand myself as well, mayb someone else might noe me better than I noe myself, mayb smone could make me uds myself better mayb mayb. Prolly not, heh. Due to the fact tt I prefer hiding my true.? Or perhaps other self.? For I don't even noe which one am I. The angel who's actually evil.? Or the devil who's actually kind. Which am I, I.... Ain't sure.

All these are too difficult to conclude. So I shall jus leave it hanging for now.


Am moody for some reason, i.. can prolly feel my tear glands actually trying hard to produce some tears, but nth is coming out. hmm but i guess my inner soul? Inner self.? My invisible tears, are most prolly coming down like rain. Perhaps, the reason was because my tomorrow wasn't worth waiting for. Perhaps tomorrow is gonna be boring, perhaps tomorrow, I'm gonna feel hurt, I'm gonna feel tired,neutral,angry, empty, lonely.

Them paradox. When I had company, I wished for alone times, when I'm busy, I wished for free time, when I'm free, i wished to haf smth meaningful to do. I guess tt humane. Which, I shld not feel. Whatever the case, I'm gonna live through tomorrow, tho I will most likely not be happy, I hope it will jus be a day in which I won't feel sorrowful.

I will keep my heart. So sry for even trying to give it to u lol. Wad a joke I am.

runaway diary

"Come to me, take my hand, come away with me."

okay let me go back to talk abt the korea trip. heh. well really thankful to my frens for putting in loads of effort and planning out the whole trip. well i guess if it wasnt for them, i wldnt even wanna go to those places. haha i guess its kinda interesting as, i feel tt if i follow them, i wld be able to see things that i havent alrdy seen.

well well. omitting all the details, we erm, walked alot, climbed alot, went to theme parks, took trains, slacked, chilled, laughed and made memories i guess. srsly enjoyed the company( more than the trip itself loL) its kinda saddening to noe tt, we, aint really got chance to do this again anytime soon, and nxt time, i wonder how the trip wldve been like.
and yea, as i predicted as well, i hated shoppin with other ppl. =_= too many voices and i wld end up buying nth.
kk. i missed home.i wanted to live my life again, in singapore, i wanted to come back and after enduring and enduring, i came back. finally. dragging my heavy ass lagguage, my tired body and my backpack. my mums the only one who saw me at the first moment. heh, everyone else is asleep/not at home.
felt, kinda angry well at the same time disappointed? the family, which i missed dearly, the family which i wanted to meet so eagerly, wasnt tt welcoming. its kinda within my expectations as if i was the one at home, i wldnt be too welcoming as well. if u get i wad i meant. so, uh i jus cleared my stuff and slept. life goes on.

slightly regretting going back to work at tt place but, i noe im gonna feel fked up as well if i didn do any stuff and simply rot at home.

meh meh. getting kinda sad now. i sorta graduated (tho not cfmed) and i needa search for a job. and get my driving license which ive been postponing it for. im..kinda lazy.. kinda enjoying? this aimless life.
i needa buck up soon. i will.. start. moving. yea.

"yeah uh uh. in the end you turned away and kept me away, i threw away my pride and i followed you like a crazy person. my heart urged me on and told me not to lose you. i pretended to be fine, i pretended to smile. but this is the last song im singing for u."

uh. good rap grabbed frm a song. lol. guess it if u can

Myself

Nth beats some time alone chilling, not having to entertain anyone else while listening to ur own favorite music. No need to go out of my way to accommodate other people, hah. That wld be nice once in a while. Haa. Well humans are... erm wad do u call tt, group animals.? Heh. Wadever u call tt, I wld need some1 by my side frm time to time as well. Lalala.

K shall get back to the main topic. Hmm so I went for a trip after my exams. My..exams, was kinda horribly done. All the "what if"s all the "I could have"s. doesn't really matter anymore now. So lets jus hope I could get the bare minimum and get out of school as pre planned.

I went to the airport, like on the same day of the flight so my mind wasn't really too ready for a getaway. My body jus followed the flow from day1 till hhaa. Mayb now.? Jus b4 Im going back. Not a fan of rushing here and dere jus to look at all those tourist attractions so I wasn't quite happy during first few days.
Well things got kinda fun when we actually slowed down the pace and we got to crap more and enjoy each others' company more.

Argh. I ran out of inspiration suddenly. So I shall continue when I actually get back home. :|
Oh wells so main point is. IM GOING HOME SOON.! The, end of the worry-less week