as usual.

u noe my name, u dont know me.
i want you to know me, i dont want you to know me.
i want you to know my story, i dont want to tell you about me.


haha this contradiction, does anyone else face it? met up with my uni frens this evening, the group in which i've cut off for about a year or 2? hahaa well, as promised(to myself) ive somehow decided to join them in their outing this time around. awkwardly i just appeared, trying my best not to get myself into the spotlight of their q&a session.


well i guess i did quite a good job to appear unfriendly and unapproachable and all but well... tt wasnt wad i intended to do but..... okayyy.. it ended up tt way so ill jus take it.


seeing them again reminded me of the me a couple of months back, where i felt so fked up, where i had no cheek to meet other ppl. when i was such a letdown.


haha not tt im anything awesome now, but i suppose i shld stop hiding from other ppl? i shld have the courage to face other human beings and u noe, live like a normal person too.


today was pretty normal, still hoped that there would be ppl interested in knowing me, to the point whereby i wld be willing to drop the wall ive built. =)
the day will come, where someone would happen to try open the gate tt ive set up, and tt time comes, ill let her in, and she'll see the whole of me.


i promise.

feeling okay.

was feeling kinda okay. like normal. despite having ppl leaving here and there, theres not much emotions going on inside me.


Mayb its due to the fact that I've maintained my distance, mayb its cause of the fact tt im colder than b4. mayb mayb but its good tt i dont feel anything. for im rly sick of hurting.


this weekend's gonna be packed full of programs so, yup something to look forward to? yes weekend, im gonna claw my way over right now.

Sober

Being sober is hard for me
Being sober is the thing I hate most.


trying to escape the cycle of worklife that im stucked in. trying my best to escape from my reality. but well, its a circle, a mean cycle.
so where did i stop last time, ohh about a colleague leaving soon. haha, ive always told my frens that "hey dont wry, im gonna take it slow" cause i thought that time will be on my side. it came as a shock but it shouldn shake me much since i took the safe route. i chose to keep my distance anddd i guess it would have been the right choice. It may b an end, while it may have been a perfect opportunity as well. but nonetheless, i think tt it will all jus come to a naught and ill prolly be broken if i stepped in further.


its all pretty good right now? since it finally seems that i no longer cared for anyone else other than myself. Each time i cared about other ppl always resulted in me getting hurt and all. so... yup. thats good thats good.


im approaching my goal, to be an emotionless dude. im on my way.

i dont love you.

i dont, love you. i dont even... know you that well. so....i cant explain that hurt tt i am feeling right now. why.


perhaps i was jus caught by surprise, i..just thought tt i cld take it slow and all but.... heh
life.


it nv turns out the way we wanted.. i've always thought tt "yea ive still got time and all, ill take it slow. but argh, turns out, no, im outta time."


that kinda.. make me feel sad but.. lets... buck up cy. u promised urself not to haf a heart.

please stop.

please stop dreaming. please stop trying. please stop doing things tt u shldn do.


switching in between characters is soOooo.. one moment ill be doing this, and another im regretting that.


couple of lame stuff weighing my mind down. lots of things tt i shldn be bothered with is trying their best to bother me. ahh.life.




im gonna be fine, im gonna be fine, jus needed to just, dont concern myself with every single thing tt is happening around me.

life is never fair

am currently chilling and wasting my time away in starbucks. theoretically am supposed to study and u noe, make my weekend so god damn productive, until i realised that i forgot to bring along my financial calculator. lol.....=_= well nonetheless, will prolly continue when i get home,

going backwards, came down to study on thur as well, but was mega distracted by all the thingies hanging ard me. haha was just seeing how all these people always hang out in pairs makes me kinda uncomfortable. well i dont know, i kept thinking abt how life has been unfair and how i shld have been able to be with someone i'd love and be all so happy and all. uhhh in a sense i can say i chose this life. but to be honest, i jus didn manage to meet someone who is worth me giving up all my freedom for( and would give up hers for me) LOL,. thats the harsh truth.

perhaps someday i just might get lucky, perhaps someday i might jus give in to desperation, perhaps, i'd jus live and die alone. nobody knows wad future has for us so... i suppose i shld jus keep living like this, and jus... wait? okok
Love is but overrated, to be precise, its simply... nature. You're attracted to someone goodlooking, smart, well-built, strong,perhaps..err wealthy? its natural selection at its best, those with better genes were able to reproduce, (wealth will prolly add to the factor? since wealth can be passed on to the nxt generation lol) its all natural for humans, as a living species to desire evolution. with the better genes passed on, and the lower quality genes to die off, whats left will be a next generation of better species, smarter, stronger, wealthier? human beings.

hahahah all those strange thoughts crowding my mind. well well, tts a good way to let my mind getaway from all those work related stuff anw. :))

heave ho. going back to study.


we came to this world alone, and will most probably leave this world alone too. So why do we work so hard to connect to other people and search so hard for "another half"? i dont have the answers now, perhaps ill be able to answer this mystery and help other people understand too.