Good evening.
came back after 4 years from my last post. reading and trying to recall my feelings then, it felt surreal. it felt like I had been moving in circles while at the same time moved so far forward.
where do i start? well, the thing that didn changed:
im still lonely, im still bored, im still human, i am still me.
What changed?
i wld like to think tt i am very different now. with luck, i hope i am much more mature now. hahaha. many things had changed and many things havent. For starters, i wreaked havoc in OSPL and i ran away hurriedly. i told myself and others that it is calculated decision but part of me just winged it. i tell myself tt i am satisfied whilst feeling dissatisfied, while at the same time enjoying parts of it, heh but aint that normal? given that we live in a world of imperfection anyway.
wld like to give a context as to why i am posting today:
1) One of my PMS days where i start to think back bout life
2) Bored
3) Random emotional night
heh. let me address these one by one.
1) i guess i had the luxury to think about life these days, reflecting on what i was, what i am, and what i can be. on the bus ride home today, a sudden thought struck me, "What if?" - what if i had made a different decision back then, how would things be different today.
First - what if i didn stalked you at polyclinic that day, what if i didnt go into a drunken stupor then, what if i just be honest with my feelings with u then, what if i didn judged u as an insurance agent.
Second - what if i wasnt such a childish, possessive loser. What if i believed that i am as normal as i am instead of being in a self denial that i was special.?
Third - Similar mistakes were made, what if i was more mature, what if i am not so emotional and egoistic, what if. just what if, i was not so obsessive and am strong enough to overcome stress w/o alcohol influence.
Fourth - i hate myself for alcoholism. i wished i could talk with you all night long when i had been sober all year round and wow. i am still so obsessive. i knew the theory but i cant seem to make it work. i hated myself for all my drunken states. i hate myself for not being able to handle the stress without alcohol, nor....being fulfill my fullest potential.
2) heh. i am. bored. given the xtra time that i never had, i find my self thinking and reflecting more than normal.
3) random thoughts - guess its a derivative from my stupid boring life. i guess when u had nth to do, u start to think back? no thanks to all the 'Multi-versal' shenanigans going on. triggers my brain to think about the "what ifs" if i had acted previously.
im running out of patience to write man. but, i guess ill come back sooner than later to document my life - seems interesting to document my life heh.
anw. sorry to my pathetic angry self. guess my rage and anguish is more simmered now than it was explosive then. fight on. i believe in both of u~!
