the leaving

finally a post about my wonderful friends.

ytd was  the day whereby 2 of my very close frens going hk for exchange. of cuz, i didn wanted to send them off at first cuz i felt tt im jus gonna be left at the side and rot while they entertain the others(ie, family, gf and stuff) .

But it was till a final supper outing whereby im reminded of all the fun and laughter we always haf during every outing which i always took for granted for. the bunch of uninteresting, boring bunch of ppl always doing the same old things but still, full of jokes and happiness everytime we do boring things. well i guess tts wad happens when we haf a bunch of frens who grew old tgt, hang out tgt. i changed my mind. i remb hw close we are and hw much they wld love to see us there.

at the airport, yea i was partially right, of cuz they were sticking to their gfs and family and almost ignored our existence only until like the last 10 min or so, uh i could understand that, after all, this bunch of frens are like hmm family? whereby the members will still wait patiently for u wif a smile even when u are busy outside with other stuff. and welcome you back happily even tho u are only able to stay for 5 mins. duno if i make any sense but yea, tryta get the meaning.

 another thing tt jolted my emotions was tt i heard my fren's parents were able to recognize us or mayb not me but some other frens, BY NAME and frm when. identifying the primary sch frens...and even those who werent ard. OMG. i wonder if my mum cld do the same thing.

uh and this remark which was made by my fren's mum affected me the most , "i watched them grow up as well" (meaning us, those who were there) tho expressionless, but i was moved greatly. even if we were alrdy adults and are doing slogging our guts out in different aspects in life, its really a great deal tt we were still able to be tgt. to all the extra personnel who were there ytd as well, plz noe ur place. its not the really the years tt counts. its the unique experiences tt we had tgt tt was able to bond us tgt so strongly. so even if u were in the same class, u wont understand u bitch =) _|_

cheers to 11 years and counting,

Nothing.

i guess this will be the only few times whereby im not gonna rant and whine abt life and shit.

im fine. not doing well but, clinging on. works been a bitch, studying's been horrible, youve been a bitch too and tts why im able to cut u off frm my life. yea just stay away.

hmm just thinking abt random stuff lately, uhh you noe, studies, worklife, REST and social life. trying to cope wif all of them is really hard. been trying my best to rid of gg out so tt i cld rest and study harder but apparently it aint helping much. yea i'll try my best to cope i hope

these sentences haf been clinging on the my mind recently. quoted frm "naruto"

goes smth like "this world is full of things that dont go as you wish. the longer you live, the more you realize that reality is just made of pain, suffering and emptiness, wherever there is light there are also shadows. as long as the concept of "winners" exists, there will also be "losers". while hatred is born to protect love."

well its kinda sad tt im actually agreeing to smth written in mangas tt were meant for kids. oh well right now, im full of hatred.and yea, it came frm the desire to love, a casual relationship tt cannot be removed. jus quoting yea. and i hope tt my vulgarities tt seems to be coming out will be contained!!

hur hur quite a boring post eh? at least its not a post full of rants so be happy for me thx =)

gonna be long. been a while after all

hi im back. as usual, mainly just whines.

hmm wher shld i start, prolly ill just continue frm where i left off frm the previous post. yes. i stayed at my job. kinda weak and loserish but i swallowed my pride and took the job back. after all, pride is really nth much compared to cold hard cash. so wad if i lose my pride, if i dont haf money, i haf nth.

yup so after i decided to cont working, ive got excess cash to spare, plus my allowance frm my lovely mum. cant put it in words but im really grateful. uhh ya abt the excess cash, they went off to alcohol for my body. indulging myself in it just to forget abt my woes.
yes, tt kind of sick life, vomiting anywher after drinking too much, hooking up wif random ppl etc etc.

meeting new ppl, having more ppl to chat wif on the phone, appearing to haf more ppl caring bout me. all just a futile struggle of the fool. a simple story to describe these whole series of events:

A fool fell down hard and is covered in cuts and bruises. tried to pick himself up after much struggle, walked forward frm the place he fell at, it felt as tho the wounds haf slowly recovered over time, he smiled amd started running then, at the same spot, he fell again, after moving one whole round to end up at the same spot where he fell at. finally he realized tt he'd been moving in circles and the wounds tt he tot were gone are actually still dere, and this time, he's actually hurt even more badly than before.

LOL and yea, at the end of the day, its like a dream. waking up to realise tt im actually still alone on my own bed.

hahah and yup! here i am! troubled again, to stay or to leave. as usual, w/o anyone to pour my hearts out to, w/o anyone who seems to be able to give me any wise advice. still on my own.
to add on to the problems, while i was almost abt to do more idiotic(actually idiotic is is rather mild, i think i need a stronger word for stupid to describe me) stuff, i wonder wad kind of mystical force actually showed me the truth which i always tried not to remember today. Yes. thanks for tt sincerely, before i fall into tt shithole and get hurt again.

i hate you. because i @#$%ed you too much. way too much.

sighh things i always think abt these few days
why must i laugh even when im so badly hurt inside.
why must i make the extra effort to keep other ppl laughing even when im actually crying inside.
why do i haf to keep helping other ppl and keep moving around even when im alrdy exhausted
why do i keep wanting to be wif my frens when they needed some1 when i myself needed some1 to confide to badly.

why do i haf to face the world with a smile everyday even when i haf so much hate in me.

would there be anyone who would be bothered to rip off this mask of a clown and help me wipe my tears? hurr nah its ok. i'll be fine after whining out here. all these problems troubling me now, i'll jus solve em one by one.

ill be fine. ill be fine. im strong anw, in every meaning of tt word.

till we meet again.