hi im back. as usual, mainly just whines.
hmm wher shld i start, prolly ill just continue frm where i left off frm the previous post. yes. i stayed at my job. kinda weak and loserish but i swallowed my pride and took the job back. after all, pride is really nth much compared to cold hard cash. so wad if i lose my pride, if i dont haf money, i haf nth.
yup so after i decided to cont working, ive got excess cash to spare, plus my allowance frm my lovely mum. cant put it in words but im really grateful. uhh ya abt the excess cash, they went off to alcohol for my body. indulging myself in it just to forget abt my woes.
yes, tt kind of sick life, vomiting anywher after drinking too much, hooking up wif random ppl etc etc.
meeting new ppl, having more ppl to chat wif on the phone, appearing to haf more ppl caring bout me. all just a futile struggle of the fool. a simple story to describe these whole series of events:
A fool fell down hard and is covered in cuts and bruises. tried to pick himself up after much struggle, walked forward frm the place he fell at, it felt as tho the wounds haf slowly recovered over time, he smiled amd started running then, at the same spot, he fell again, after moving one whole round to end up at the same spot where he fell at. finally he realized tt he'd been moving in circles and the wounds tt he tot were gone are actually still dere, and this time, he's actually hurt even more badly than before.
LOL and yea, at the end of the day, its like a dream. waking up to realise tt im actually still alone on my own bed.
hahah and yup! here i am! troubled again, to stay or to leave. as usual, w/o anyone to pour my hearts out to, w/o anyone who seems to be able to give me any wise advice. still on my own.
to add on to the problems, while i was almost abt to do more idiotic(actually idiotic is is rather mild, i think i need a stronger word for stupid to describe me) stuff, i wonder wad kind of mystical force actually showed me the truth which i always tried not to remember today. Yes. thanks for tt sincerely, before i fall into tt shithole and get hurt again.
i hate you. because i @#$%ed you too much. way too much.
sighh things i always think abt these few days
why must i laugh even when im so badly hurt inside.
why must i make the extra effort to keep other ppl laughing even when im actually crying inside.
why do i haf to keep helping other ppl and keep moving around even when im alrdy exhausted
why do i keep wanting to be wif my frens when they needed some1 when i myself needed some1 to confide to badly.
why do i haf to face the world with a smile everyday even when i haf so much hate in me.
would there be anyone who would be bothered to rip off this mask of a clown and help me wipe my tears? hurr nah its ok. i'll be fine after whining out here. all these problems troubling me now, i'll jus solve em one by one.
ill be fine. ill be fine. im strong anw, in every meaning of tt word.
till we meet again.
No comments:
Post a Comment