keep marching on

Like wth. It's ALRDY March.?!? And it's not been too long since I'd exclaimed that febuary came too quickly. Starting to get into a state of panick as my future has not been settled yet. So many ppl whom Im supposed to meet and I barely pushed them away. I don't noe how long more I haf to Continue pushing them away. Lol

Well, if I'm able to totally handle my weakness that wld've been great isn't it. I've known my weakness for... A couple of months now.? But I can't RLY help it lol, but tts wad u're supposed to call a weakness isn't it, if it is Smth U can help den I don't suppose U call tt a weakness lol.

Retardedness.

However, even tho I'm looking forward to getting a job, there's this part in me tt kinda fears going into a new environment, like will I do well? Will I be able to befriend my co-workers? Will I get reprimanded a lot? And the list goes on and on. But nonetheless, I... Had to step into that uncomfortable zone in order to survive, in order to live.

This world is RLY cruel, while at the same time, really beautiful.

try your best.

i wonder if its just me or it applies to everyone else. does anyone really do their best in everything they do? cause i noe i dont. i wld say "yea ill try my best" and i guess tts more of just lip service. like mayb after an hour, a day, a week, or a mth later, ill stop trying " my best". heh. tried pretty hard, ( wanted to say tt i tried my best but i noe its not) to prepare for the interview this time and luckily i think it went.. not tt bad. perhaps not good enuf but, it wasnt all bad.


i dont noe, i was so tired after tt and i jus slept, in broad daylight for god knows how many hours. yea tts the sign of "tried hard" i suppose.


retest comes in 3 mths time... wld i be ready by then? i dont noe. but ill. try.. harder i suppose. ive wasted so many mths. god. argh.

dont feel.

its cny day 1. and tho i shldve been used to it by now, uh, i will try hard to not feel like how a normal person wld feel. as mentioned b4, the first few days of cny wld be exceptionally boring for me since i dont haf to visit relatives etc etc.




been staying home pretty much for these 2 days since not many shops are opened and u noe, seeing ppl walking ard lookin all glam while im jus dressed in my paja dont rly sit well with me lol. so its fine.


wanted to update since ytd but nth rly noteworthy managed to come outta my mind, all the negative thoughts were typed out but i felt tt its too loserish lol. and yup, so i deleted everything, and came again today with a lighter spirit. lets just update as it is yea?


day1:
did smth different frm the previous years as there're more members in the family now and i didn haf to work on CNY. so much time is spent at home and u noe, with my parents. not tt i rly love them thatttt much, but circumstances been a bitch heh.
tt said, managed to gamble a little bit and guess wad, this unlucky bloke over here won $20 +. =_= when someone whos had like bad luck for so long suddenly won money, he dont feel happiness, he felt..... worry. lOL. like smth not v nice is gonna happen, mayb its gonna be a change of luck for the better but, u noe, jus cant get used to having good luck yays.


had dinner with my parents and my bro at pizza hut, pretty awesome. lOL. its perhaps the first time im dining in pizza hut with my parents, it felt kinda weird tho.


day 2:
tt is today, something weird happened to me. i might had jus experienced sleep paralysis for the first time in my life. a bizzare happening whereby ur body is sleeping and ur mind mightve been awake, hence u willl be like "uhh, what happened, move, fking body. move" and, LUCKILY, ive read on articles abt tt b4 and didn freak out tt much, so after some slight struggle, i woke up.


like i dont even noe if i rly did woke up or wad but its jus bizzare, like i was in a dream in which i woke up but in fact i wasnt awake actually. loL brain oh brain, mega weird.


anw, today was pretty normal, w/o much happenings and i jus dragged my ass out for a run, tt isnt rly enuf but i guesss ill go for another run again tml. feeling tt my tummy is prolly forming up. Zzzz.


___________________________________________________________________________


Thoughts:


u noe, ive set certain deadlines for myself to do smth if i managed to get a job by "certain" dates. but they're way way overdue. perhaps its fate tt was helping me, telling me not to look back n prolly face rejection or smth. so, they will go. they are going out of reach. and yea let it go.


its gonna be me against the world anw, think i kinda got weaker and forgot abt this previously but yea, thx for the reminder cy. i promise to make u strong again.


uh prolly gonna edit the post again cuz im jus writing up whatever that came to my mind.

Still

*due to the fact tt i was probably too tired or smth, theres this bunch of grammatical errors here and there, so yup, im gonna edit it.*






Nth much happened these days, hence the lack of motivation to update. Well, it's valentines' day, so I guess I'll leave a little note in here. Heh.

comparing last year and now, I guess i Was pretty lucky, to HAf someone to hang out wif, for this day, tho my sight was set on someone else then. Haha if the me last year could foresaw what wld happen for me this year, i bet he wld laugh his ass off loLs.

Anw, disclosed the fking failure of cfa to my father since he asked. and its fked up, the disappointment, I rly hate it. I've always came up with excuses like "I didn try hard enuf" and I guess it's getting kinda boring. and perhaps it's rly tiring for those who believed in me to hear tt same excuse too. mayb the fact is, I'm jus not smart and I'm plenty stupid. no matter what the truth is, being able to embrace tt concept will prolly bring me further. Well, one thing tt i cldve confirmed is, I'm not tt smart.

I've been doing the same thing annually, tt is hoping tt my nxt vday wld be better, my nxt xmas will be better, my nxt bday will be better. while even tho i had tt thought in mind, not doing anything abt it will prolly not change anything. so, I shld do Smth diff this yr such tt I won't Haf to experience e same thing again and again in the coming years.

I wld say, at least I still had frens to hang out with, I'm... Glad tt it happened. I shld be glad enuf to HAf frens to make me feel less loserish today. So, yup, what I hope for the nxt yr wld be, to reduce the no. of ppl feeling like i did this day, one way or another.


Of Cuz it wld be good if I don't haf to hang out as a single AGAIN nxt year, and I Sincerely hope tt I wont, and if I'm lucky enuf, it won't be a day of jus U and I. I will wanna, if possible, make one less person feel the sme way as I did this yr.

Yea my goal jus became broader ranged, instead of repeating again and again, like a freakishly loser. Yea. Lets do it that way, I'll, work harder and harder than anyone else.

Sick

as the title says, I'm sick. Having an annoying flu and mild fever plus painful throat, tho I haven't been doing anything these days, I still managed to fall Sick and so it doesn't feel tt gd.

Bright side bright side, memories do haunt me frm time to time, but I shld remb tt the me who made those choices then, had my future in sight. While the me who's suffering now, is jus blaming the me back then, without looking forward. Blaming won't get me anywher, looking forward and working harder will. So, this is smth TT I had to keep reminding myself to keep me going.

Dragged my ass out to meet with mhan Darek and JW, The ones who were with me these days, the ones I rly haf to thank when this lonely journey ends. And when it does, I rly rly have to pay back to em. Well, the list of ppl whom I Hafta meet and thank is pretty long, but I promise to meet all of em. Tts my promise so, PLS? Let me journey end soon too k.? Lol

Well. There are a huge majority of fren's which I've lost contact with too, but U see, it's better to be dependent on less ppl, TT way, I wld feel more uncomfortable, I wld RLY WNA this to end, and of Cuz I wld Haf less ppl to thank. Quoting someone famous, "I'm thankful to all those who rejected me TT helped me do it on my own." Yea I rly wanna do it on my own. I wanted all TT pride for myself.

Nice meeting with those FRENS, nice chatting with them and glad TT they are doing well and all. Yay.

February

so another month is almost gone. Although I've gotta say tt "ok, I'm no longer the same as the me few mths ago" I know so much more abt what I want and wad I dont. But not much changed since, I'm still not being very productive. Even tho I'm not all satisfied with what I did, I..... Can't change tt.


its ez to jus blame the whole world for not having things gg ur way, it seems tt my capabilities were much lesser than my expectations but i dont think ill see it in a bad way. as in its bad but i guess i haf to try looking at it from a positive side. living as me aint ez, well of cuz there are so many ppl being so much better than i am, its the truth tt im actually pretty lucky in a sense tt i rly haf the luxury to choose a job. while there are many ppl living worse lives than i do.


so yes please, when u decided to do smth, go for it totally and dont lose focus when the going gets tough. escaping.... is really ez.


yup, time to face up to the real world.


ill end this off with a smile =) cause i aint feeling too bad today. heh