It hurts

as I am already aware, it would've hurt if I did tried. An almost impossible task, the task tt I do not dare to charge ahead.

It hurts when I tried to move forward to no avail, it hurts when I do not feel wanted. It hurts so much more than when I do not feel anything to the point wher I do not dare to hurt myself anymore.

I don't know, I Guess I'm gonna remain as a coward, I Guess I shld go back into my hole. I.. shld be alone

To let go.

To stop clinging on to smth tts not rly working, to give up on smth tts rly bothering you is rly rly liberating.

it makes me feel in control, feel.... freedom, at least for a while, instead of constantly feeling suffocated, constantly trying hard, trying and trying and trying.

uhh well today was rather not eventful as always but I guess I did manage to live through it nonetheless.
Walking in the rain, smth tt I liked doing a couple of years back, to feel wad it felt then, I duno, I no longer feel much. am I the changed man tt i'd wanted to be, or am I still the same.


if we ever meet again, will you be able to tell me the answer? that if I did manage to become someone better.

the ones that got away.

looking back at all the things that ive done.

power, recognition, hate.

all of these are so minute from the view of an observer. my lame struggles to destroy, to belittle, to prove myself seems... so stupid.

I do quite miss those days, where I just do whatever tt they ask of me n go home, party on Friday nights, get wasted for the whole weekend and go back to work again on Monday. or even further back, where I had to play petty tricks inside a café, lol..

life.


cheers. to the ones that got away. well, I aint sure that if I'm better than I was but... well.

congrats on being happily married.
congrats on finding someone worthy of your love.
I think youre doing well but... where are u tho.
are u happy now? well.. I'm still where I am.
lol



cy out.

expect me.

Previously:

"i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

....
I should stop expecting gd things to come my way."

Now

I guess I tend to forget over time, tt I tot I am entitled to certain things which I'm actually not. in which this sense of entitlement actually make me into a lousier human being than I'm supposed to be.

what kind of expectation am I having now, who and what gave me the right to be judgemental and decide how I should act infront of different ppl.

I need to stop expecting good things to come my way and I need to stop thinking highly of myself.

I need to be a nicer human being.

Lets use this 1 week break to shove tt into my thick skull with no contents.

The strong

aint tt always the case? Where tough men fight the war while others are enjoying the peace.

I've been strong for so Long tt I'm looking forward to a decent closure.

ive also been alone for so long that I don't think tt I needed another person near me.

a wild dream to remind me tt I'm human, a...dream. that I need to wake up frm. I will not be stupid and I will find my own way to get a life this time ard.