Bring me back to life.

I wanted to find someone to have dinner tgt. I cant seem to find a suitable candidate. the year is ending and I wanted to do smth special, just... smth... but nope I cant think of anything interesting to do.

Had I forgotten how to live due to the fact tt I'm in night shift? I think not. I think ive forgotten how to live since I decided to leave. I mean, its sad but I'm supposed to have a better life but I'm not, and this is bullshit.

Will do a year end review... on 31st Dec since I think ive got a lot of time heh. anw yea I must not feel like this when the new year comes. I must find back my way of life, as a human, and not just being stucked in this endless cycle of regret.

if we ever meet again

If we ever, ever meet again
I'll have so much more to say
If we ever meet again
I won't let you go away


would I? I don't know. but one thing tt is definite is that, I'll never be the same. So would you.

Why not we just put down our pride and come together again.

ok fine. we'll just keep revolving our own life until fate bring us tgt again, that story would've been more beautiful, and perhaps less painful.

yea ok lets do tt.

I've forgotten

was just walking ard looking for breakfast. And after breakfast I'll go and slp, after tt I'll jus wake up for lunch, den take an afternoon nap. And I'll have dinner b4 gg for work after.

I mean tts been my routine for a couple of weeks now, and I've got 2 weeks more to go. Well I was suddenly in the state of mind whereby I'd stopped thinking abt my other human needs, like a hobby, social life, etc. I think I've even forgotten tt I'm a human, I'm just a being who is capable of working in a call centre and working in the night shift, yea, tts all I rmb.

I Guess I will try my best to get back to being a human.. After this is over, if it ever will.

un appreciated.

be it relationship with other human beings, be it work related. I'm always unappreciated for all the efforts I'd put in.

this is sincerely depressing. is it because I am srsly not good enuf or, simply, unappreciated.

ahh.. effort, appreciation... if the equation does not balance, nature will find its way to make sure that it is balanced, since appreciation from others is harder to increase, the easiest thing to decrease would have been the effort put in.

ahhhhhh...



anw tt aside, I've been thinking abt... life? frens? heh, ive been hanging out with frens, laughing/pretending to laugh. am I happy? I don't know. its been a rly long while wher I cld laugh out rly happily w/o the influence of alcohol to the point where I don't even know how to anymore.

life. life.

the wedding.

went for a wedding again. well, didn get drunk today, which is a good thing but I guess ive got back quite abit of feels today.

 Feels.... Feels... well I don't think I wanna go into details today.


I am no longer that boy you knew, you are no longer that girl I thought I knew.

U no longer know me, I don't know u either.

when u rly get married shortly later, I wont be invited, but still, I'll wish u all the best, from the bottom of my heart.

sry I lied but ok. please be happy ok? and may our paths... nv cross again.

the void.

ive got this void inside. I guess I'm not the only one but I've yet been able to fill it since... how many years ago.

I mean, as far as I can recall, the void in me had been there since just before me entering uni? which was like 6 years ago I'm assuming. smth had felt so off but I was unable to identify tt then... until someone provided me with the correct term to describe it; empty.

Yes. i'd been hanging out with 'frens', widening my social circle, narrowing my social circle, trying to have fun as much as I can, spent a lot of time and money on stuff. Sometimes I was able to forget the emptiness, but as I reached home and lay on my bed, I remembered that I'm still empty.

I wonder if I wld ever be able to fill that hole, perhaps doing meaningful things in life would help filling it, like, u know, having a hobby, helping other ppl in life etc etc. but what exactly are MY meaningful things. I do noe that different ppl would view different things as meaningful. drinking? hanging out with real frens? hanging out with family? travelling to different countries to see a different world? heh. nope. I still cant get an answer from all these activities which i'd done.

argh I wld love to fill that void up soon. like... srsly. and if possible, fill other ppl's void as well.

realisation.

when u realized that ppl are so not interested in you. when, you tot you scored pretty well in other ppl's scoreboard but in fact you're nth.

how many times has it been, where I tot I did pretty ok but in the end, I jus fked up. I guess I'm just shitty tts why. and I sincerely wonder wher did all those self confidence came from. =|

so yea, had tried to visit starbucks a couple of times to study, in hope to see some familiar faces or smth to u know, try to reminisce the past.
but well, it is not only until 2 days ago tt I realized that I... am not looking for familiar faces. I am just waiting for u. heh. following the lead which I had 2 years ago, I thought if I kept gg there, I might just bump into you, and u know, perhaps we can jus get in touch again.

well yes, realization that the probability of tt happening is rly low, and even if in the minute chance that we happen to meet, would u jus walk away? would u sit down and jus chat like before? I don't know, good chance that u wld pretend u didn see me and jus walk away tho. lol

so yup, ive gotta let go of everything in the past. I gotta man up and be someone new, someone I wanted to become.