Urged to escape.

K so I managed to wake up earlier today and dragged my ass out of my hse like 1.5hrs earlier.? Which was nice. Somehw I loved how quiet and cozy it is in the morning since there's no animals running ard and making a lot of noise. No I'm not studyin in a zoo lol. But u noe, kids are pretty much like animals, untamed wild creatures who barely gif a damn abt what ppl say, who don't rly care abt wad the world is like and such. Well, we were all wild animals to begin wif, jus tt after a hell lot of evolutions over the thousands of millenniums, Homo sapiens tot of taming other living objects, but well, ironically, the first thing tt they tamed supposingly was themselves. Den, everything else.

It's kinda weird tt after so many millenniums of like evolution, we made hell lots of things and changed how the world looked totally, manipulating things as tho we were gods, but well, humans created nth. Creating something prolly means making something out of nth, so yea. We're nt tt great, jus... Arrogant creatures.
Oh wad I wanted to say was, we made so many changes to everything ard us, but nth much changed within us. Still.. Trapped in this fragile physical body tts so ez to destroy. Perhaps tt shld be our nxt direction for a great revolution. Changing ourselves instead of the things ard us.

Well if ure thinking what's tt gotta do wif anything, I'm jus taking this time to think abt everything else tt doesn't concern my studies lol. Cuz I hate knowing my limitations, cuz when I'm looking and doing practice qns, I feel.. Helpless. My brain can't comprehend what's written there, even if I was able to comprehend smth, I can't remb it. So tt sucked. Nonetheless I'm nt gonna gif up. Cuz I can't. So.. I'm jus letting my brain, my mind, escape all these for a little while.

Heh, so... Ok time to return to my world.

Here. Fear. Near.2

So it's coming. Theoretically it's gon be ez cuz u noe, since I've had more than enuf time to study,( supposingly) but.. The more I study the more I understand the module, the more I understood the depth of it. Like, it's so deep tt I can suffocate if I haf to understand the whole module. Whatever theorem I understood always didn come out,  or it wld be me forgetting how to regurgitate out the same theorem. Tts pretty depressing.

Especially when.. Uve seen failure once and u noe how scary it is, and how ez it is to fail. Issues are starting to pile up, money, career, studies yes, human relations etc, while they are pretty much linked, a huge lump of my life is pretty screwed up nw, being strong.. I'm tryin my best to contain all these problems but.. It's.. It's quite abit much to bear at this moment. Wif no one to share it wif, wif so many other things tt needs to be done.. I'm tired. I'll prolly feel better in a few hrs time but... This moment.. I rly need smth. Smth tt can help me move forward.

Yea. And I'm getting cracked just by some random minor issue tt jus happened. Tsk fk me.

Fear is near, it is.. Here.

Just one yesterday.

Do u feel haf tt feeling whereby, u saw someone who kinda resembles somebody u haven't seen for a while, and u somehow understood tt ya, "tts definitely not her" but u can't help to take multiple glances and it kinda warms u inside.

Though I noe tts not u, but jus another look will remind me of u, and it makes me feel abit happier.

Heh. Well. Tt aside, haven't been able to slp well recently and have been thinking q abit abt my future... Tt seemed abit far off since.. What I want to do is most likely not wad I'm very knowledgeable in. Wif a lot of thoughts of "argh.. I shldve done this last yr, I shldve done tt earlier etc.." Tt didn help me to slp better.

Had a little beer at my bro's hse ytd. In which I rly don't feel like going cuz I haven't done a lot of studying ytd but... I can't rly say no to my bro. Lol since.. He's like very happy tt we're interested in gg over. I can prolly guess why, putting myself in his shoes.. After taking care of kids like everyday, seeing us and crapping wif us wldve felt so refreshing lol.

Ain't it the same for everyone else.? Since young u will want a house, a car of ur own. But when u finally haf it, u will want to see ur family every once in a while. Which... Most likely won't be the case.  Since, u noe, ure living in another house now and any sane person won't be visiting ur hse like every other day, other ppl haf their own things to do as well u see. Heh. So yea, don't be too eager to move out of ur hse, independence and freedom is most frequently accompanied by lonliness and realization of the importance of ur family, tt is if u haf a normal family.

K tt aside, slept for damn long today, damn tt beer.. It made my body so attached to my bed.-__- woke up at like 1140 wherby my lesson is supposed to be at 12. .. Well there goes my last lesson. Tsk. Nonetheless, I'm gonna rly Hafta.. Rly study. ArghHgH.! Fk me. Must.. Concentrate. •_•

Here. Fear. Near.

I've had many thoughts but apparently every single thought is nt sufficient to be blog worthy heh. So today I'm jus gonna write bout some consolidated thoughts ok.? Ha.

First topic: DADs

I meant fathers lol.  Well.. Apparently my bro is carrying tt title now and I felt rly.. Weird. Like the brother who sent me to school on a bicycle, the brother who's feet smells like salted fish after soccer, the brother who argued wif me abt all those stupid stuffs is actually a father now. Tt... Kinda.. Seem pretty hard to sink into my mind. Well he's got problems on his own too, being a father is nv ez. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and prolly my dad's shoes, it totally felt bad. Well... I tried putting it in words but apparently i.. Can't. Hahaha anw, dads are.. Sad. LOl. I totally feel tt my dad is an asshole for like 10+ years. And I don't think how it feels to be treated as an asshole for so long by ur own child.. If u noe wad I meant. While I don't think tt my father loves me less than my mum, but the difference in terms of closeness is.. Heh, pretty much different.
Yea I'm gonna try to work on tt and well. Hope my bro will be able to do well. JIAYOU PLS.

2nd: Love.
Well. Love is such a weird thingy. U can love a lot of ppl in ur life but u can only be wif one person at the end of the day. Being tgt ain't smth abt jus the 2 of us. I.. Always knew it but..I guess it's only when u get older den u will really be bothered abt all these. Like, how ur frens feel, how ur parents feel, how will her frens and family feel. All of it starts becoming an impt point when it comes to choosing ur partner. The feelings between the 2 of u is alrdy mre than enuf.? Think again.
It's such a troublesome issue to me. As.. I hate goodbyes. No matter how many times it is.. There will be these ultra indescribable feel of lost when u haf to hold back ur tears and tell the other person who.. Might be crying tt u cAnt be tgt anymore. We cannot make more happy memories tgt anymore.. We haf to disappear slowly and agonizingly frm each other's lives. Even tho time heals all wounds.. But.. The idea of having to go thru it again is... Rly... Not very welcoming.
As I've always said recently, I'm better off being there for everyone else other than belonging to one person. I.. Love myself and the freedom much more after all.

3rd: Fear.
I suddnly realised.. Why do I haf so much fears recently.. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of losing smth tt I cherished, I.. Am totally weak. Shall I jus cast aside all those fear and jus go wif it.? Many of u wldve tot tt shld be the best way out but... On the contrary, I felt tt sufficient fear is pretty helpful. Because u fear of failing, u will wanna work hard so tt ur fear will not come true. Fear of being judged will make u wanna make urself looking perfect in front of other ppl while covering up all ur shortcomings, I suppose they call this "image". While the fear of losing something.. Makes u make the effort to make sure it stays.

I hope I'm clear Enuf wif the topic on.. Fear.? But I suppose I'm fearing wayyyyy too much so... I guess I shall.. Try to rid of some of em and go ahead in all the challenges in life. I suppose I won't die from those and, being cliche, wad tt doesn't kills me makes me stronger.

I don't intend on jus lying down there and look away frm other ppl's eyes of disdain. I'm gonna stare into their eyes wif such power and make them avoid my eyes.

Alright.. Gon go back to studying.

Insomnia.

I nv tot I wld haf this kind of problem since I'm totally the sleeping monster. Like someone who can totally slp for 10++ hrs w/o problems.
So yea I can't slp again. While I'm trying to study I feel so lethargic and can't even seem to focus my eyesight, so I chose to slp, but well, nth of tt sort happened so. Might as well blog abt smth.

Haha these few days has been pretty Uneventful wif all those ppl graduating and stuff,  I don't feel q happy abt it. so ya. totally can't seem to concentrate for Wadever fk reason. So yea ok. I'm trying my best to keep myself to myself so... It's... Not very ez but I'll try.

so ya uve got first class honors? Hahaha I think so but well... Gd for u.:) remb 1/2 of it belonged to me ok. Bleh.. I rly wonder how uve been nowadays but.. Haha I guess I don't haf the need to find out abt u, nor the right to. Same for u. As in the other u.

Along the way.. Ive removed so many things tt may disrupt my mood, namely frens. Haha cuz I totally don't like telling ppl how fail I am. So... To all those ppl who seemed to b cut off frm my life.. I promise. I totally promise u tt ill get it back I'll get all of u back into my life after these is over and after I... Settle down ok..? As for those who were wif me nowadays.. Thank u so much.

But life is unfair, if u ain't gon be useful to me in the future, hehe. Ya ill try my best to keep in touch wif u ppl ok.? Lol


So.! Main point being... To my uni frens.. And my jc frens and sec sch frens, I'll come back to find all of u.. After these is over... And after I got my life back on track.! Ok.?