Here. Fear. Near.

I've had many thoughts but apparently every single thought is nt sufficient to be blog worthy heh. So today I'm jus gonna write bout some consolidated thoughts ok.? Ha.

First topic: DADs

I meant fathers lol.  Well.. Apparently my bro is carrying tt title now and I felt rly.. Weird. Like the brother who sent me to school on a bicycle, the brother who's feet smells like salted fish after soccer, the brother who argued wif me abt all those stupid stuffs is actually a father now. Tt... Kinda.. Seem pretty hard to sink into my mind. Well he's got problems on his own too, being a father is nv ez. I've tried putting myself in his shoes and prolly my dad's shoes, it totally felt bad. Well... I tried putting it in words but apparently i.. Can't. Hahaha anw, dads are.. Sad. LOl. I totally feel tt my dad is an asshole for like 10+ years. And I don't think how it feels to be treated as an asshole for so long by ur own child.. If u noe wad I meant. While I don't think tt my father loves me less than my mum, but the difference in terms of closeness is.. Heh, pretty much different.
Yea I'm gonna try to work on tt and well. Hope my bro will be able to do well. JIAYOU PLS.

2nd: Love.
Well. Love is such a weird thingy. U can love a lot of ppl in ur life but u can only be wif one person at the end of the day. Being tgt ain't smth abt jus the 2 of us. I.. Always knew it but..I guess it's only when u get older den u will really be bothered abt all these. Like, how ur frens feel, how ur parents feel, how will her frens and family feel. All of it starts becoming an impt point when it comes to choosing ur partner. The feelings between the 2 of u is alrdy mre than enuf.? Think again.
It's such a troublesome issue to me. As.. I hate goodbyes. No matter how many times it is.. There will be these ultra indescribable feel of lost when u haf to hold back ur tears and tell the other person who.. Might be crying tt u cAnt be tgt anymore. We cannot make more happy memories tgt anymore.. We haf to disappear slowly and agonizingly frm each other's lives. Even tho time heals all wounds.. But.. The idea of having to go thru it again is... Rly... Not very welcoming.
As I've always said recently, I'm better off being there for everyone else other than belonging to one person. I.. Love myself and the freedom much more after all.

3rd: Fear.
I suddnly realised.. Why do I haf so much fears recently.. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being judged, fear of failing, fear of losing smth tt I cherished, I.. Am totally weak. Shall I jus cast aside all those fear and jus go wif it.? Many of u wldve tot tt shld be the best way out but... On the contrary, I felt tt sufficient fear is pretty helpful. Because u fear of failing, u will wanna work hard so tt ur fear will not come true. Fear of being judged will make u wanna make urself looking perfect in front of other ppl while covering up all ur shortcomings, I suppose they call this "image". While the fear of losing something.. Makes u make the effort to make sure it stays.

I hope I'm clear Enuf wif the topic on.. Fear.? But I suppose I'm fearing wayyyyy too much so... I guess I shall.. Try to rid of some of em and go ahead in all the challenges in life. I suppose I won't die from those and, being cliche, wad tt doesn't kills me makes me stronger.

I don't intend on jus lying down there and look away frm other ppl's eyes of disdain. I'm gonna stare into their eyes wif such power and make them avoid my eyes.

Alright.. Gon go back to studying.