No Heart for this.(distrator)

Yes I know there ain't a word distractor, or is there.? Anw, I think I'd been trying and trying and trying to write an entry of tt title since... Couple of weeks ago I Guess. And it didn't happen, jus cause my bro always had to pop by and disrupt my {soul searching} my {me} time.

Yea. So tts wad happened.. For bout,3 times.? Right. Anw perhaps it's gd tt I didn write anything here since whenever I'm writing an entry here, it's most likely abt smth sad. Hah. Nonetheless, yea so here's one entry tt doesn't contain much emotions. In fact, it doesn't rly contain any contents as well.

Heh. Right. So let's jus sum it up as I'm still alive and kicking and... Tho life kinda sucked right now, I'll live through it

to believe in love.

people told me to believe in love. believe that even I will see it one day. have... I ever? I aint too sure tho haha. I mean physical attraction yea but love.. perhaps nope ya.

I mean, it seems that everyone else were able to experience love but me, and why is that so. I think I'm not much different than the others. in fact I would like to think tt I'm nt all tt bad loL. but wells. how can I believe in something which I don't even see. perhaps this lovey lovey thing is created by a computer matrix and all "living things" that I'm seeing right now are simply programs or rather a created image to see how I would react to different situations. and heck my main body is actually in another dimension ,sleeping.

well I extracted tt above from the movie :"Matrix" lol, haha its a really crazy movie tt actually....kinda screws its viewers in their mind.

ah.. well pardon my random rants, simply needed to write something here to prevent brain from rotting off.

hmm yea anw, how... do u expect me to believe in love. when it only seems like smth that only other ppl have.

the change in myself

had intended to blog abt something but mind is in a blank.

perhaps the thing is that I noticed myself repeating the same mistakes over and over and over and over tt prolly kills attraction. haha but well I cant help being myself yea?

so tts wad I am like, a joker who goes randomly crazy and being nice to ppl while keeping a distance. trying to act all noble and all. ppl just don't notice my efforts and well the others always gets the good stuff. hahaa...... so wad am I supposed to do? if only I can jus change just like that.

ah. ran outta stuff to write about... will be back later to update if possible lol

dashed (the end of dreams)

my bday is over. and as i'd expected, it was neither good nor bad. ok minus away the presents that were totally not in my wishlist..... ah, I shldn be such a dick and rly go whine abt it yea? since it is the thought tt counts. but.. argh lol

anw it was kinda nice that I actually got a week of leave (even though im the one who applied for it and if there is someone to thank its actually myself lol) and I actually lived in a pretty chill life for a week.. which is nice as it seems tt ive been so tied down by work that I didn manage to do all the small little things that makes living living. lol if u noe wad I meant.

Am blogging from work now as im pretty darn bored doing night shift.

smth strange happened just now. my heart was downed. for a while. I guess I jus liked competition. I simply react when I realise that there is competition in which I shldn have reacted.

I suppose my heart shld have settled down right now as I.. sincerely wonder why did I even felt tt way jus now. Jealousy? Envy? I don't understand myself at all. I suppose im jus an incarnation of envy, I want wad other ppl want to have (or wad ppl already have) I feel satisfaction when I actually won in a competition but.. in many cases... I simply failed. pathetically. and perhaps tts y im always hurt.

perhaps I shld rly take note of this and actually shun away from competitions. haha tt wil prolly make me look less like a fool

sorry for actually.. u noe, making my heart flutter. ill try not to anymore.

celebration

after one week of leave and chilling and all... its my bday again!


so I was looking through last year's blogpost and these were the 3 wishes I made.
1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me

hmm, point 1... I guess I have a job now, tho it kinda sucked but, its kinda achieved (yay), meeting up with old frens... lemme jus list them,

ive met cj, Daniel, soonhwee, zongting,sJ.... perhaps tts all? lol I didn manage to meet all of them but oh yea I did met up with my uni OG grp ppl.. so I guess tts also a step forward?

point 2.... well yea.

point 3! okay, at least ive got a job and ive got my beer with me. so I suppose tts cool? uh of cuz shit still happens but... well yea. I'm CY.

mmm. quite a fair bit of shit happened, and ive jus gotten news this morning that my uncle jus... u noe... and its pretty sad cuz it happened so suddenly. and it rly set me thinking

1) ive had a dream this morning that.... u noe, I tot I heard his voice or smth and I tot to myself... "it cant be...its jus a dream" and then the nxt thing I knew, I got notified of tt news. well.. of cuz, scientifically, if the situation is not optimistic, then tt wld have happened with a great probability. and since there is a great probability of it happening, the fact tt it actually happened the way in which my brain expected it to is really normal and coincidental.

but of cuz, ppl cld argue tt "hey its supernatural" and all but... well there are insufficient proof for tt theory.

2) if I were the one in my cousin's shoes... how will I react. of cuz logically, the first thing would be the fking cost of the whole hospitalization. and secondly... connections with other human gives u strength , but it also brings u down when tt person is no longer present, so yea, ill most likely be down for quite a while and all argh.

we are only able to make objective and logical decisions when we are not emotionally attached to another individual. relationship with other ppl is actually a double edged sword u see.. it gives u strength to carry on in tough times when the other person is actually there for u but.... it rly brings u down if u are no longer able to have tt person with u.

so... what do u think? is it better to be connected to other human or not. do u believe if it is coincidence or izzit a supernatural happening.

nonetheless..... happy bday to me!! =))

tho its highly unlikely but can I jus pray for miracles to happen? since its my bday and all... I shall pray for the impossible and be hopeful for the day

lock em up.

went down the memory lane today, (kind of...?) went back to school and walked ard a little to check out what changed and what diddn.

did quite abit of thinking today, which is prolly...good? ive always wanted to go back to the days where the the fond memories were? but in fact... time had moved on, ppl did, so should I. how could I forget the times where things went downhill, how cld I jus say it with a straight face "Lets go back to those times again" while thinking that things will  get better.

hah. I'm such a joke while at the same time such a jerk. anyways, I shld be like everyone else and keep moving on. Memories are for us to recall and smile at, not for us to head towards. Keep moving, keep creating new memories, stop trying to turn back time. in this case, true happiness might be achievable. even for someone like me :)

still thankful for all the little lame things tt I am able to do due to this break. will try my best to live for the moment and enjoy every second of it. Even if ppl might feel tt I am wasting time.. well, they are free to haf their own perspective.

So do I.


lets lock up those memories in a place only I know, and... try not to look at it yea? yes.

wanderhate

well... its tentatively day 4? of my precious leave and wad did I spent it on.. hmm jus chilling off and attempting to study? tho its not very effective but... well at least it kinda feels tt I'm back in the game heh.

ppl often ask me, why did I chose to stay in Singapore despite having a week of off. well the answer is... I guess Ive got more than enuf things to do in Singapore such that I don't see a need to get the hell outta this place for now??

haha tho its kinda not fulfilling nowadays since... I aint got no more spare to use.. Ill make do yea? this will prevent me having to go thru the extra effort to cut off tt lady out of my life. so... this loneliness... ill make do with it for now??

anw yup. Ive still got a few more things to do.. time to take them all off my checklist. :)

"why does it seem like you're tryin so hard to be 'cool' ?? do u know that u're alrdy awesome jus the way u are. or rather, the way u were."