Reason

Brief update on life so far. Haha. For some reason, I feel breathless, powerless and tired. No worries tho, jus tryin to get a breather thru this way. Somehw it feels kinda difficult to breath. Jus feel like lying down and not doing anything, too tired to try, to fight, to endure.

Lalala! Not really serious!! Haha was at work. And am bored to tears and thus thinking of things to do. Zzz hmm am kinda lagging behind academically and ya i kept escaping away from reality wif all sorts of excuses. Damned. Wonder how I will do this year but. I'm so gonna pick myself up! Soon.

nth impt

nth realli impt. jus a random idea struck mi and i thought its quite meaningful(to mi at least) , so i guess i shld write down smwher.

mayb in a parallel universe, i was braver had already acquired happiness. mayb things were different over there and the 2 of us are happily together. Not jus u living in happiness but not mi.

haha. cant realli recall the exact idea when i started typing it down and apparantly its nt good at all. oh well, will try to recall or think of a better 1 in due time. tata

Slack on

Hihi. Well, life's nt great. Hmmm, nth much has changed for the better but, less the facttt Habiibul too slack with my studies, all is well.

Having this strange insomnia since whoever noes when, nth to do and laid down on my bed trying hard to slp but cldnt. Screw this seriously. Hahahaa damn it, had some wonderful wise quotes in my mind earlier but I kinda forgotten all abt them alrdy... Lemme recall.. Ahh!!

Ok not having wise quotes actually, jus remb smth to bitch abt... Hmmm yea, been wondering abt smth vexing, m I too full of myself or m I having the correct thoughts. Y is it tt I'm always always working for ppl whom I deemed as a less capable human? Or rather, y m I always taking instructions from ppl who are less capable than me, y is my world always like this?!

Thinking back... Since army times, I take instructions from Olvl grad, unrecognized diploma holder, a strange m**, and blabla. All of which I deemed as inferior to mi. I grind my teeth in vexation. Cursing and swearing into my pillows in frustration. I was always unhappy wif things, always wanting to prove myself to b superior. But, I didn think tt I succeeded at all.... I left wif unhappiness but oh well.

Moving forward, I worked under a bunch of unsophisticated aunties afterwards, who cared nth much more than gossiping , backstabing every1 and enduring till 530pm everyday. I didn feel anything then but I certainly wasn't feeling VERy happy.

Nxt I worked undera few **enahs. Whom I totally didn give a damn abt, nxt, I worked under a *****pino stucked in a storeroom. Then, a group of strange, uneducated uncles who thought tt they are the heartbeat of a great organization( nt forgetting to add on, having ultimately poor sense of judgement and organization but excellent in covering backsides, not)

Lastly, I'm working under some strange dude hu can't speak eng fluently, talks to himself almost for the whole day, gets flustered easily and to top it off, loves criticizing other ppl and perpetually failing to look at his own capabilities. Also, a ********pino who is easily daunted, can't speak properly, loves pushing the blame to others.

Phew quite a long list over there. Looking thru, there are only 3 possibilities,

(1) I'm severely overestimating myself, they Are more than qualified to order me ard

(2) this is the only kind of job tt will employ this kind of lousy job applicant(me)

(3) I've been really unlucky to be unable to find a good job with good superiors who deserve my respect

Well well, I'm sure I will be able to answer tt in due time. Till then, I will cling on to life.!!!

C

Ahh much whining donee. Gonna try gg back to slp bb!!

up to the date.

ahh. been a short while and am updating cuz i cant slp.

hmm where was i? ok my contract wif the resort worlds sentosa ended w/o much of a high note and i definitely didn leave wif a smile. but nonetheless, looking back, jus a job =)

kk so i got back my results and done my course registration and stuff, am looking forward to the new start of the school term! not.

haha just kidding myself, i hate studying seriously. i love doing nth, but i always regret after tt=/ ohh well contradictary, tts humane nth more nth less.

a short update on today, watched the dumb movie called Lao niu chi nen cao, as mentioned earlier, its a dumb movie wif a dumb main lead but was kinda saved by the female lead. hahah the story plot is very dumb as well. BUT i wonder why, i kinda, got dragged into the movie as in, i felt as tho i took a tour in tt created virtual world and i left reality for an hour or so.

been a while since i had this feeling but i haf to say it doesnt feel good cuz i noe im in another world, this world, which i kinda hate. but its a lil refreshing if i really gotta put it in words.
well well, strange phenomenal ( yea i looked up the dictionary to spell this word)
hmm not much of inspiration to write today so...tts it for now. laters.=)



random sad notes: with the mood to chat and talk abt my life, without the partner to do so=) jus great. hahaa

screw me.

i realli hate myself.





if my son is like me. i wld definitely feel like giving him 1 punch in his face to make him wake up his idea. got my results ytd. its kinda like way better than my expectations. i was shocked, i didn noe how to react. i wanted to share my joy but i am too afraid of wad others might think. I am happy and yet sad. contented yet disappointed.


all these humane emotions, i wish i didn haf em. kk back to the part wher i realli hate myself.


(1) im bloody rude sometimes. im totally not fit to be impolite to anybody cuz im jus a nobody. (rhymes huh. =D)

(2) i hate hearing negative comments. which is vital for improvement.( somewhat bloody annoying)

(3) im sometimes so full of myself, when im such an imperfect creation.

(4) i get nervous and stressed up quite easily and i hate to admit it. wad a loser. GOsh roll eyes left rite up down.

(5) i jus suck la. srsly. jus F off and rot 1 corner can.?


kkkk so update on recent stuff. i always let things go at crucial moments and regretting it later, den wad. wad can i do? y is this brainless dog like this!?


it kinda revolves ard the same topic but i guess i shall elaborate on my emotions. jus for the record.

->i was afraid wad ppl might think.
~i did great for some of my subjects and i was proud of it. im concerned abt some of my frens but i am afraid tt they thought im a bzbody and is trying to compare results for no &$@* reason. Thus i jus kept to myself. much as i wanted some to praise me, i had to keep it in, with the person's feelings in mind.

->I am happy and yet sad
~i am happy tt i passed, very happy. but very sad to realize tt, there is nth waiting for me. there is nth to claim even after clearing this great hurdle. wad awaits me, i dont see it.

-> im contented, yet disappointed.
~im contented wif the passes i get, but disappointed to the maximum level tt no1. ABSOLUTELY NO ONE praised me for it. i guess they jus thought tt im a show off but, i dun think i am, OK?! at the end of the day. i jus need some1. just any1 to pat me on the back at least to tell me" you did great." tt wld haf sufficed.

would i trade failing and having loads of ppl to console me or passing wif no1 giving a damn abt my score? im seriously thinking of which 1 to choose. damn


arhh ok ok will stop whining for now. cya

so far so not good.=)

heehee life's been nt very nice but am still clinging on to it desperately. lets see wad will happen next... hmm few wise words for the day, i aint sure if any1 else said it b4, but i swear tt is wad came to my mind today

(1) if you dont hear ur colleagues telling you ur bad points, tt means they are talking abt it behind ur back.

(2) Having common sense, does not mean tt u are intelligent, u are jus lucky tt wad u jus did was correct. u might not be able to solve the nxt problem. (kinda abstract but try to understand wad im trying to imply)

(3) Every1 is clumsy and not talented at some areas, its definitely ok.

(4) If u are thinking y cant ppl be more like u, get it right, its just becuz u are the best creation from god.

(5) u feel tt im either deaf or having a poor command of english, while i feel tt u haf poor articulation and u speak too softly. So who is right?

lalala kinda nt very happy wif some stuff but aint got no mood to write them down here. i shall try my best to write abt some happy stuff by the nxt entry =)

go go fighting!

bad day.

why do bad things always happen back to back. i just had some problems ytd and the day b4 ytd. and today smth bad of mayb a greater magnitude happened today. for now i can only pray tt there will nt be any repercussions from these incidents which happened recently.

hurhur. im in a very bad mood today so i thought tt i wanted to blog abt smth but apparantly im kinda speechless now =/ so, time for some songs alrite? =)

its been a long while since i came ard,
its been a while since im back in town,
this time im not leaving without you..

bye.

its been a long while.

hello! its been a long while since i came ard. im feeling quite down today but i guess i shld still write in a happy tune cuz i dun think i shld be so gloomy everytime i blog.





ok i read my previous entry titled the moving life. i guess after tt entry, my life seems to moved on. went to work @ 2 places and its kinda like draining my life force away. luckily im made of better materials as compared to normal humans but, i've been thinking 'did i bit a chunk too big for myself?'





i guess i overestimated myself a lil too much, i tot i cld handle both sides well but apparantly, im doing very poorly on 1 side. so bad tt i feel so ashamed of myself, so bad tt i gathered a bunch of ppl to bitch abt mi. i unds tt bitching is human nature, but, i jus hate it when im the topic for it. well well. things will get better. plz work hard chaoyi, destroy those assholes ok? its ok, u are jus being lousy at smth which is nt ur speciality, plz work harder! ignore those negative voices and keep pushing forward. i noe u do nt haf the extreme intelligence but u haf the guts, the guts nv to give up, and tt will be ur edge to slay anything tt comes into ur way ok? GO GO FIGHTING!





okok putting tt aside,


i guess this might be fate or wadever, i met my SP @ rws while working. my god, i realli wish to noe her better but, grrr im too shy and stuff. but lets hope i will haf more chances to meet her and lets hope i can advance and yea! ( highly impossible)


but yea





its been 2 years since i let u go, this time im nt leaving without u.

ikimasho. Gambatte ne chaoyi san.

the moving life.

i understand the "moving life" sounds abstract but im jus using it as an antonym to my life which came to a standstill a month ago.

was hoping to find a job ASAP! wif the BEST SALARY but apparantly, u noe, diff ppl will haf diff life. was waiting waiting waiting for the calls to come but they never did. ohhh so somehow i did nth for a month and kinda like lived everyday for the sake of living.=.=

well well i guess i had enuf of this life, i decided to start my engines somehow. some kinda of bad quality job i suppose, found its way to me, being desperate, i simply accepted it. gahh. i aint sure im gonna regret it in future, but, the me now simply want to stop slackingg.
haha kinda happy tt my life is finally gonna changee.

2mths it shall be. i will be happy. yes i will.

random notes:
I had wished that u will treat her well and make her happy, i wun let u off easily if u make her cry. but now, i wish that u will break her heart and make her cry and leave her with a broken heart, for i noe that our eternal happiness does not include you.

jaja this came to my mind just as i woke up. haha so i decided to write it down somewher.
sore dewa, mata ne!

soul search.

yes. ive been wasting these few days not doing anything.
here i am, subconsciously, despite having a weary body, im not sleepy. hmm perhaps my subconsicious is stubbornly refusing to end my day jus liike that.
i was racking my brain for something to help mi kill time and then an idea struck me, yea i noe its no longer original but i went back to read my old CLASS BLOG.

for starters, the blog was meant for the class to share information and probably act as a space for every member in the class to probably also express how they feel abt any issues happening ard them. and yes, i created the blog for my class in jc... abt 5 yrs back? YEA...OMG ITS BEEN 5 YEARS.?!
oh wellls. i read thru the blog entries written by me and my classmates. ahhh brings back memoriess. once again, it kinda feels like ive transcended time and remembered all those minute details which would haf been forgotten. bahh as i read thru the posts, other than remembering the events which happened, i discovered smth interesting. smth which i hadnt noticed. i think i've really changed.

i remb why, i had more frens then than now. why, i felt tt i was very likeable. why, i hate myself so much now.

gahh. i guess i was a realli humourous funny and cute person then, wif a thinge of lively cheerful and amiable. haha i guess i exagerrated but, a little of all the above wouldnt be too generous alrite. wad happened to me, why is there a dark cloud hovering above my head and following wherever i go? why did u keep ur mouth shut and ur smile to urself.?! wad happened to all the humour which u were born wif and were once so proud of?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO U?! CHAOYI!

i couldnt answer myself. i didn noe wad caused the change. perhaps, all the things which happened? perhaps its jus part and parcel of growing up? i duno. i do not think i can find out. but yes this soul search. made me feel tt i acheived alittle smth today at least.
i looked thru my soul. i saw the person who had the same body as mi 5 yrs ago. i think i learnt a little today.

i will strive for the better. i can. i will =)



hahaha side note, this place is for me to write all my emo stuff. when im happy, i wun write it here, i wld tell every1 ard mi wif my mouth. spreading the joy i suppose? yea the place wher i pour my sorrows, where no1 other than me noes, here =) yea so if any1 is wondering why this person is forever emo nemo, tts the reason, cuz u are reading my blog, my personal archive of emotions.

another.

yet another day totally wasted. hmm tt jus proves how incompetent i am as a human, screwing up 1 interview and rejecting the other. just wad am i. wad do i think of myself. grrr am hating myself more and more. cuz i often regret wad i did like 10seconds later. but oh well tts me.

haha so an update of my life, basically sitting down there watchin some random videos which are totally not constructive at all. i noe im simply wasting my life but, i jus cant make myself do anything else. uh uh guess tts kinda bad... OKOK i will get my ass moving alright. i will do smth diff tml! i promise. haha

oh had a strange dream during my afternoon nap, i actually dreamt tt i was back in a BAND! hahaha i wonder wad i was in my dream, an alumni or member. haha but oh well interesting thing is i had a thought during the dream, i only remember that thought very clearly but nt the other details of the dream. i was thinking

"hey cy this is a dream u noe."
"yes i noe, but still, let me play tt intrument, let me perform b4 waking up ok."

oh my, i cant remb whether i actually performed, but i woke up soon after, with a smile on my face.

hahaha i guess tt is jus my brain trying to remb the times when i had fun and am actually enjoying myself. to escape this boring life for a while, a short break i would call it.=)

haha okok i guess tts it for nw. be back soon!

another day flew past

hmm.. rotting my flesh away.

its been. erm almost 2 weeks? and im still doing nth. outings? nope. didn meet up wif many ppl. (dun haf many ppl to meet anw.) job? nope. no employers called me at all. wonder wads wrong wif them but.. ohhh welll. screw this.

grahh no inspiration to write much at this moment. so... erm tts it for nw=)

the end of things.

yay.? somehow my exams ended and im now back into this process of searching for jobs + waiting for employers' call + waiting for frens to ask me out + rotting my ass at home. ahh.. quite a bad feeling. its gd to be able to rot at home but, well the thought of having to search for job is reallllllllll shity=.= facing those ppl checking the hell outta u and putting on this fake smile plus the fake professionalism. =/ one word -> troublesome

if only.. if only. haha i wouldnt mind slackin chillin the shit outta my life for now but. yup. tts life time to put on my smile and professionalism and get out of my hse searching for the $$$$$.

hope i wun take too long to find a job this time! gg. wish mi luck alrite. to erm, whoever haha lOl!

lalala

lalala in the rain. haha went cycling to pass smth to my fren, and it rained on my way back =.=. prolly coz of the pebble tossed into the pond a few days back, unconsciously, i went back to the place i liked so much haha. cuz tts the only memory i had wif =/. oh wells lalala in the rain feels good. its so much better than missing =/. gahhh went back home drenched. zz luckily i didn fall sick frm tt so, its cool. ermm. other than tt, life's been monotonous. and haf i mentioned abt it? passed pBF.. yay! barely, but im happy jus to be able to pass.! awww gotta study hard man chaoyi, if nt ur life's not gonna get pass 2011. hai. wadever ok? do work hard now! there are many things waiting for u after ur exams~! go go, fight! alright alright byebye.! for now. yea the rain, i still like it so much. haha

tuesday. with a twist.

hahaha! im back, wif a hmm... wad to say, nt realli good mood~ well well lifes been a bitch but im still hangin on since nth REAL bad happened haha. mm yea officially confined myself for the month till exams are over. hope it helps! good news! i got 70 points for my bloody stats 1 prelims. YAY! higher (much) than my expectations. but i somehow feel tt its untrue cuz i certainly dun deserve it=/ the marker was too lenient or rather, probably semi- blind? haha well but the bad news is tt i got 12 marks for my stats 2.=/ pretty or rather mUCH LOWER THAN EXPECTED? oh well didn feel much but lalala. ehh and as for the main reason that im back here is.. cuz of a stone was cast into a peaceful pond water this morning. hahaha if u noe wad it means. yea i checked my hp when i woke up, "1msg recieved" haha wth. lol wasnt expecting much and as i realized who the sender is, i was SHOCKED!! plus surprised plus wadever, haha i was thinking "wad the hell. holy mama."=.= gg haha well its her. even tho i intentionally didn tell her the fact tt i changed my hp no. but oh well. she found my no. nonetheless. hmm its been 2 yrs i guess? yup, the dumb and stupid mi kept telling myself to dun imagine things, but OH WELL, im still me, imagining all the impossible scenerios. LOL well well at least im really happy for a few hours. but it all ended in total disappointment. hahaha details? jus asking smth which is totally redundant.=/ the last msg frm me was "...see u if i see u=/" and the msg from u was "i dont think i will ever see u but, see you." hahahahaha kinda sad but kinda, well i cant find the word yet, i will write it down if i ever realize how exactly im feeling. lala.

eventful april fool

yo. actually nth much happened but jus felt like updating more frequently haha.

gonna update bout ytd and today.

31/3



hmm for some reason i somehow found myself back at PJC... again=.=!! for a diff purpose this time; to study. haha well well long story abt how i ended up inside again but well well, quite a bad trip back as the feeling is diff this time ard, and gah.=.= nth exciting happened.
felt like an alien invading the earth, i definitely dont belong there anymore, not matter how my mouth likes to brag abt my eternal youth nonsense, age alrdy caught up to me, im old.

1/4



haha suppose to meet wif fren for study session, but he suddenly told me tt he met an accident=.= tot it was an april fool's joke but omg its real after all. GG! but luckily he is fine. =x eh srsly nth much to say now. no mood. no feeling. hahahahaha blah blah cya again soon ba.

Yesterday =)

yay im back. haha rather early eh? hahah oh well a good place to practice writing in english(a little) and well, to jot down parts and parcel of my life in case i forget it in future. so, why not?! haha went for a great dinner cuz it my bro's treat =) due to the fact tt he received wadever bonus and wow! uh love the dinner and i feel tt he is great. err frm the bottom of my heart cuz, if i get a bonus, i dun think i will buy dinner for the family, i will perhaps get a few more shirts or shoes or go club and prolly gif a lil $$ to my mum or wad. haha oh well thanks loads for the meal! Go-chiso-osama deshita!

ya wadever, im trying to learn jap so pardon mi if u see some weird words here and there. hahahahaha ok so after the sumptuous meal, went home to bathe and change and off i went to meet up wif the usual gang. haha as always, so mighty happy when im wif them! haha and i dun care if we were to go our seperate ways in future, im jus happy that we were so close once. haha well well cherish the present yea? who noes wad will happen in future. dun take it for granted tt they will always be there wif u. haha quoted frm some drama=x ahh went to some prata shop to eat and as usual talk cock and waste time. got a couple of cans of beer to chill at west coast park after tt, well, i cant remember the gist of the topics we talk abt but, we had fun and laughter throughout so i dun think it matters ya? haha quite a fun day and i almost forgot tt i haf a major exam in a month time! LOL ya la ya la ok ok im gg back to study ok? byE!

im happy.

yes. im back to this wall talking to myself again. hahaha i will take it as a place for me to rant wadever and however i wanted to! well cuz i dun suppose any1 can handle all of my thoughts and strange way of thinking. thus, yea, im only showing this side of mi to you. i mean me. haha wel well guess wad, even i dun understand myself very well, i thought tt im some1 wif mild temper, but recently i realized tt tts nt the case cuz i kinda get irritated rather easily by recalling all the incidents which happened previously. there are so much more to myself which i dont understand.

So, perhaps, by keeping some evidence of my true feelings here, one day, when i come back to piece all of them together, i will noe myself better. and perhaps, if i ever find some1 who wish to noe more about me, and i feel comfortable about showing her the whole of me, i will gif her the key to this pandora's box , this time capsule, this archive of myself.( or wadever name u call it) =) hope tt day will come soon! hahaha

oh i was trying to archive this blog in my own PC since im nt sure when this website might become.. u noe, unpopular and gets shut down. hahaha thus having a backup shld be good! =0 eh chaoyi, the archive is in "C:\CY folder\phone\pic\sec sch Pictures\me\blog" in case u forget where u put it HAHA!

kk update on my life now. hmm 1 word =) uncertainty. yea. the main exams coming in 1 month's time, but im still nt in the mood to study. why? i wish i noe the real answer. but right now, my speculations are "lack of drive" mm. nth much distracting me now except for myself. prolly tts also the reason why im distracted. haha if u get wad i mean. distracted cuz there is nth to distract me. HAHA. yea boring life. which means that i haf no goal in mind and it means tt dere is nth to push mi forward!.. gRRRrr but i cannot fail. its not a shldnt fail, or must not fail. its CANNOT FAIL. cuz if i fail, i think my story wld end haha.

frens ard mi found their 1st love. =) happy for them, sad for myself haha i cant imagine wad its like to haf some1 who loves mi as much as i love her. grr jus tt no 1 is appearing in my life right now. wad a sad truth. ZZzz. im getting kind of impatient now.. srsly. my first love. whoever whereever u are. can u come to me like noW?! okok, it wld be kinda strange if u realli come to me now.. but ya come to me soon ok? ya i swear i will love u more than u love me. hahahahah! i will pour my 22years of collected love into U! BEWARE NOW!!! hahahaha wadever sounds despo. but well well jus trying to put a few drops of humour into this dumb and lame blog post. =x yea yea tts it for today!

haha.

okay. been down for a while and now im back up. haha who says guys wont feel emotional from time to time. the main thing is to be able to climb back up rite away. those who are able to say things like "Nth can bring me down! nth can make me sad. nth will make me cry" are jus blinded by their lame ass male ego and trying to brag the shit out of themselves to make them feel superior. well well. if u are realli like how u described urself as, u are either a moron or some1 who jus havent tasted failure.

uh ok so had fun these few days and i seem to be lazy to jot down memories anywher. errr kinda dumb as i drank quite a lil bit and got a bit tipsy ON MY OWN.=.= lol drinking by myself is kinda lame but oh well. tts my chu xi nite. and the whole of chu 1 im simply sleeping away cuz im kinda having a rather bad hangover=.= lol

okok so went jw hse to play. haha won a lil $$ and got my mood high uP! hahaa uh somehow celebrated Thyechuan's bday by buying a small cake and getting a real lousy gift. feels real guilty as i didn realli did my best. can see frm his face he aint real happy and im real sure tt if tts wad my frens gif me, i will kill them. haha. damned. i hope i dont get this kinda treatment this yr ok? will be damn sad. haha

as for today, went to study but i totally cant get the mood.=.= probably bcoz im studying pBF=.= screwed up subject. wadever man. haha kinda wasted the whole of today but. yes. plz go and study later ok? lol waiting for the stupid video to convert finish.. ZZZ kkkkkkkkkkkkkk i go do smth else first den.

Fallen.

hmmm. its jan 26, 2011, 6:40 am now. okay a rather saddening moment for me. argh the story goes like this. =)

err, kinda kena "nominated" ( a better word would be sabo-ed) to be the nxt organizer of the OG outing. its nt the first time im organizing an outing and if it is wif my og, i guess it wld be ez, as in easier? cuz guys are rather reluctant to do some activities w/o girls. yup, so i went ahead and created the event page on Fb~! haha after a few days, onli 3 ppl responded? so i sent a msg to the rest and reminded them to respond. LOL. then to my SURPRISE, ( unpleasant) ok will move straight to the final statistics, 9 not attending, 4 awaiting, 2 mayb 6 attending. LIKE. YEA. u noe the 3 words to use, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ !?! gG! lol i didn noe my popularity was, THIS LOW U NOE? lol. den i start to think back, err i think i can recall a couple of ppl who avoids mi ( if im nt wrong) and plus this, omg?! LOl the lovable and popular CY fell! AM I LIKE HATED NOW?! hahahaha gosh, so i start to think back....dun remb doing much evil stuff.. a lil here and there but arghhh.. oh well. this sux. and i hope im wrong this time around. haiz............

haha i admit, the event was rather sloppily planned and ive alrdy made adjustments! so ok. hope things get better. arghh. damn this shit~! jus when i thought my life is gonna get better cuz i won $$ at Mahjong. lOL

uh and i used to be hearing so much of i haf good popularity and im popular among my frens, and now, somehow, some1 commented that im not popular at all, instead, my popularity is, POOR!?
( REN YUAN BU HAO?!) GG SIA!

HEY CHAOYI OF THE FUTURE, TELL ME IM WRONG WHEN U READ THIS NXT TIME OK? PLEASE?! AND REMB TO POINT TT GUY A MIDDLE FINGER IF U REALISE TT HE IS TALKING BULLSHIT OK?!

tts abt all nth much happenings bye.

yo wassup.

Hi. im back. with a lighter spirit this time around.
haha was in a nt so good mood these few days cuz of the lack of vitamin frens. well well, guess they are all bz i suppose. looking at all of their fb updates, kinda jealous tt they are having a whale of a time while im still trapped in this boring and monotonous black and white world of my own. welll well, things will get better i suppose. soon? No matter. jus one of the blue moon nights when i cant sleep and got loads of things running through my mind. No matter, i suppose all of them got straightened out after all. haha kinda love my optimism now lol

well wads happened these few days, uh stayed home and tried to study but i didn realli manage to put much things into my mind. Zzzz wads more, cant slp for no bloody reason. strangely, wanted to update many things previously but now i 4got wad i wanted to type so, hmm ill jus randomly crap my way thru den. living kind of like a secluded life where im jus with me, myself and chaoyi. lOL i hope i will nt become mentally unstable after some time.. =/ argh. wadever, if i happen to become mentally unstable, this sentence is for me to wake up my bloody idea and snap back to normal "CHAOYI WAKE THE SHIT UP MAN! U ARE NT ALONE! GO BLOODY FIND UR FREN TO CHAT AND STAY NORMAL CAN?!"

=.= siann crapping my way through. OH I rembed wad i wanna say, k so its like a couple of my frens are moving on with their lives quite well and i think they are kinda like getting their love life balanced out soon. hmm makes me wonder, wad the hell was i doing? wads my bloody problem.?! in fact, i thought they had problems.. but i guess it turned out tt im most likely be the only 1 with a hell lot of problems, cuz yea, im far frm a r/s. ZZZ gg sia. i hope my frens wun think tt im abnormal=.=
yes. i noe its strange, but i can jus say, im unlucky! i havent been able to meet any1 i like or any1 who showed any slight possibility of liking me ok?! ZZzz im jus nt good enuf yet.! umm so yes, i will try my ultima best to buck up. be more frenly! be more approachable=.= ok yes yes. i will drop tt "im gd looking/ cute or wadever bhb joke" guess its jus nt suitable for me=/ and i will cont to act like a clown ok? prolly things might work out better that way.

a clown will stay as a clown, no matter how he tries to dress up or act gentlemanly, he will nv bcome a prince charming. he will jus look more like a failed clown.
-chaoyi

haha wise words to serve as a reminder to myself=.= haiz.. ok! a new start! a positive mindset to go! tts it for now~

hahaha emo emo.

yea chaoyi. im talking to u onli when im feeling unhappy. when i am happy, i wldn be writing to u. haha!

hmm where do i start, okok. i shall talk abt the time capsule which i took a few days back. due to unexpected circumstances, i somehow decided to go back to the cold storage ffdc for a little walk due to my dear ex-colleague( cuz he suddenly felt like gg back). i tot to myself, "hmm nt a bad idea, nth to do anyway" even tho i felt quite ridiculous as ive only worked there for like, 3 mths? and the bonds i had dere aint realli deep. oh well, might as well. haha
YUP. so i went back dere, seeing how some things changed and somethings that nv changed.its jus like so recent when i was still working there. the trip back was the key to a locked chamber of memories which i misplaced. memories jus keep flashing back and i remembered so many things which happened previously. ahh fond memories, events which were filled with joy and laughter. much hardwork and boredom. my brain is starting to fail me after all, even with all the talk abt immortality. LOL! yea i guess as more memories start filling up my mind, older, non-impt info jus get deleted or chucked away in dark corners and locked up. haf to admit, im realli getting old.

cant realli bear to leave after stepping in there, unexpectedly. hanged ard till they started chasing me away. gosh. wad happened to me. tts so not me! oh well, kinda happy tt my soul actually travelled thru time to a 10over mths back and yea! nt tt bad of experience=)

uhh den i went back to PIONEER JUNIOR COLLEGE on friday. wad the hell rite? yea. u were this crazy. argh another place full of fond memories, full of things which i like. ULTIMATE JOY, LAUGHTER AND HAPPINESS. rejection and disappointment... to a small extent. arhh how long has it been...3 full years. w/o any expectation of any1 remembering me, i went back, with the sole intent of feeding my soul wif fond memories wif my ex-classmates. those were the days, which i claimed to be my happiest days, the point of my life wher i grew up alot. the days, wher i met impt frens. gah! the tot of it jus spurns my hot blood.
ah as i was saying, visited.. nono disturbed some juniors in their normal routine life. haha kinda strange to see some1 who graduated for more than 3 yrs still coming back. i placed myself in their shoes as well. i wldn welcome them. AT ALL. haha some teachers who taught me still remb me. surprised and glad! tts when my teacher told me abt a couple of my pranks and retarded stuff i did when i was younger, haha! i dont remb doing them but, u wldn noe how it feels to hear abt how other ppl talk abt urself as tho she is nt talking abt u. cuz u dun remb doing them after all ( if u get wad i mean chaoyi.) well well love pjc to the ultima max.srsly.

probably becuz im lonely and very empty at this point of time. tts y im starting to find back the memories of myself when i wasnt this lonely, this empty. trying to feel up the void inside u see. argh! dont think u got it but. ohwell. jus remb this, chaoyi, u are bloody lonely and empty at this point of time! wondering which point? sep2010 - jan2011. and its still going on. haha hope u are much better at the time u are reading this. emptiness and loneliness, quoted frm a strange person who somehow put feelings into these 2 words. ya. chaoyi, u were a loser. i am a loser. BUT I WILL WIN. SOON.
okok tts abt all for now. craves for love to come soon. love. love love. i wish i noe wad it is. =/ used to believe tt i am nt ignorant when it comes to love. well well i guess i really am ignorant.GRRR. NO MATTER, keep fighting! dont gif up! the moment u gif up on urself, the whole world gives up on you! FIGHTER GO!