new day,

after much drinking ytd night. im feeling the after effects argh.
well.... i guess its jus me. running on a short edge ytd. there shldnt be anything felt. i didn lose anything. But tt sorrow... Well it's humane.. Perhaps.? Yes i should. wake up. get up.


and then keep moving.

Some ppl prefer taking the high road and the others wld take the smooth one. Perhaps my life never meant to be normal. I've been wanting a normal life, and perhaps now im thinking of taking the risk. Since the law of the world is as follows, high risk high return. I suppose I shld do it b4 I grow older, b4 Im afraid of risks.

I'm gonna go, and probably leave behind everything else. My past, doesnt matter. I am my now, and I will decide my future.

sorrow.

Sorrow occurs when the person u left behind is actually living a better life than you are. they said tt the best revenge to that person who hurt you is to live well, and live better than he did. i nv did expect tt one day, i wldve been the one who was the victim of tt sentence.


ive always wanted to be the giving end of that revenge, but results showed tt i....i havent moved forward. and infact, im...probably deteoriating. tt sucked.


beer. i wonder why is it tt whenever i feel bad, i wld crave for beer. and here i am now, sipping on the beer while at the same time thinking about what i shld be doing for my future. went for a few interviews and im seeing the tough side of life. rejections. over and over. failing to perform for interviews, blank mind, zoning outs. i wonder why all of tt is happening to me.


jus as i was feeling a little lost, i wanted u to comfort me. i wanted someone... jus anyone to be by my side to listen to what i haf to say. but... i suppose i was too late.
i shldve been happy, tt u moved on. but why... am i feeling this now. perhaps im jus retarded, contrary to what i tot i am. i. am. retarded. i only realize my loss when....its tooo late.


fuck me. yes fuck me.


tml shld be another challenging day with another job knocking on my door. though all of em aint what i rly wanted... i.. guesss i shld just open tt door and.. step out of it instead of jus doing it in my mind.




let us pray tt today is the only day in which i will feel fked up. pls. let me recover and go back on my track tml. please.






fuck me.

what time is it.

jus as i thought, ok..im moving forward.


den "pam" back to starting point.


i.. gotta go finish up my studies and not waste my brain thinking about those things tt doesnt matter.

Forging ahead.

How long has it been, neh not gonna start counting. Went to the dentist last week and realized tt I've actually gt q a few tooth decays. Tt is soOooO... Sad lol. Coz each decaying tooth would cost so much to take care of. Omg. Luckily this is gonna be heavily subsidized by my dad so.. Putting the pain aside. I think it's gon be ok. It's gon be ok..
I'm waiting for my turn to do my teeth again. Haha. The 2nd round wher I'm gonna get my tooth drilled and grinded and filled. Jus thinking abt it makes me scared.-_- but nonetheless I'm gg forward.

Finally went for an interview last fri. It was... So badly done. I guess I can't think straight when under some pressure and I am rly not sure of wad I wanted in life. The interviewer must've thought wad a loser this guy is. But nonetheless, I think I've gained valuable experience frm this. I'm pretty thankful for it. Btw this job opening is rly good.. And I flunked the interview. I doubt the next few jobs wont be able to even come close to this one. Heh.

I'll put in more effort. I'll be sure tt I know what I want in life and even though I don't, I'll pretend tt I know. I can do it yay.








ok im done with the shit. its surprisingly pretty painless. mayb the person who cleaned my teeth was too rough and conditioned me to the pain. it felt pretty awkward but. i guess its gonna be fine.


bought loads of stuff tho. kinda happy but the money... arghs. i rly wanna get a job soon.
i..really noe what i want now. =)

My heart

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong

That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long

Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you"

any idea wad song this is.? Lol. U noe when u like a song, u will Tryta relate it's lyrics to ur own life. Or mayb u will start liking a song tt u feel tt u cld relate ur life to. 

Ytd and today was pretty.. Constructive. Was able to exceed my targeted quota of reading thru my books. Well not to mention tt I did slack off q a bit here and there but at least I'm at a faster pace. 

Den I started thinking to myself. Wad is it tt cld be waiting for me in the end. Like, I've faced failure so many times, I've worked hard and failed too, and wad I gave up these few months for, may simply jus result in another failure. And den god or Wadever will jus point at me and laugh again, tgt wif my family and frens. "What an idiot"..

Relating back to the song, my memories abt my past deeds do come back to haunt me every once in a while, like "hey dumbass. Look at wad u are now, did u imagine urself bcoming like this few yrs back?" Well it felt bad tt even I start looking down at myself, tho I'm in a pretty, undesirable position, it didn feel all bad, it's.. Comfortable at least, so perhaps I shldn take these for granted and I rly needa start thanking my parents for willing to keep this pest at home. 

A foul mouthed brat tts rotting their money away.

And of cuz, all the happenings regarding u. I noe, tt I've alrdy... U noe, vanished completely. But at least on my side, I'll jus rmb u by myself.

My heart used to beat for only u. I left it at ur side but u decided to kick it into the bin, it's fine.  Till then. Someday someone will help me haf a heart again.

But until then, don't blame me. For being cold.

just living.

U ever had tt kind of realization, tt ure kinda outta time. I'm mega behind time and I haf so many things to do. Well... Thinking back, these few mths wasn't all bad and I felt gd tt I actually made a few right choices for gods sake. At least I felt tt they are the right choices. Tt is taking up cfa and quitting the fking spinelli job. I think I shldnt haf went back in the first place but, at least I'm outta the shit.

Sry for not being honest.but if i was honest, wld u guys let me go? Hah. I've gotta look out for myself man, too bad. And... Sry for seemingly wanting to cut off all contact. Hmm firstly, I don't q wanna blow the bubble, and I don't q enjoy having to live in a lie. So, pardon me. If I can't live honestly wif u, I don't q wanna be near u.
Same goes to all my other frens out there. I wonder wads wrong but, I'm contradictory. I wanna maintain our frenship but I don't q wanna meetup wif u ppl. Of cuz I'm tired of those inquiries abt my current status. I felt so fked up. But, I'm feeling so comfortable abt myself for some reason. Perhaps tts y I'm starting to erect a wall around myself, blocking ppl out.

Tts one. But, a day will come, where the gates will open.. I guess. And I'll run around again. And when tt time comes, I'm worry abt my mum lol. Will she die of boredom? Since.. I've been staying home for so long loL.

Oh bout cfa. Heh. I didn q expect myself to be slackin for so long. Since I've been dying to get a job since wad... May.? Tts pretty sad but at least I've got some pretty decent goal in mind all these while. So.. Yes oh wait.

I'm outta time. Gotta go back to study. Prolly update the post if smth comes to my mind.
Teheh.:|

birthdays.

jus came back after passing mhao's present to him. well working ppl are tired ppl. and i rly wanna go home to do my own stuff too so we didn waste alot of time talking abt those tt didn rly mattered.


well he's prolly the only fren ive gave presents to this year. ok fine. the only fren frm the clique ok. how shld i say it. i dont think im particularly close to him, or is he particularly close to me these years. or shld i say mayb we werent rly sOooo damn close who wld share like the darkest secrets and stuff. our frenship may haf gotten slightly pulled further these years since u noe, we're going thru diff things in sch and we dont meet up often, and everytime we meet, its always with a whole bunch of other ppl. heh.


so why so special. not to mention tt he's the first new fren i had in sec sch, which.. aint rly tt much, and our bday's are like 6 days apart. heh. which i tot might be why i felt the familiarity with him more, like u noe, the horoscope thingy lol. i feel tt our characters are pretty much similar, jus tt u noe, he's living a better and smoother life than me of cuz, but it feels tt, if things didn go wrong for me then, we wld most probably be going thru similar paths.


yes unfortunately, i dont noe why, it jus happens. one by one, things happened. pulled me from my original path, further frm my original planned path and further frm my other frens as well. tts plenty saddening. back to the present topic, yea our bdays are pretty close, so the memory of the disappointment wldve always be so vivid to the point where i wouldnt wan him to experience the same.
u noe, i rly love presents. and now... im receiving so damn little. arghs.


okay okay. next topic
there are many moments in ur life whereby ure required to make impt decisions, and tt decision wld rly affect ur next few years of life. ive... made so many wrong choices, or was it rly wrong? nobdy knows. nobody knew. and as quoted frm cy, "if u didn try u wont know if it will work. if it worked, u wldve been able to be able to brag abt it all day long. if it didn work, at least u tried, and u know tt it rly wont work" heh. so tts my answer to anybody who wanted to ask me if i haf any regrets. and yes, the final answer is : No.


yea jus cuz too many ppl haf been asking me if ive regreted my past choices, tts plenty...annoying.

Optimistic

Ytd was my bro's wedding n I had to get drunk again. Puking all over and making a mess everywhere. Well. I Duno y but I totally can't grasp my limit at all even after so many times. And it seems tt my limit is going lower and lower. So tts sad.
drinking is smth tt I rly like, but.. If I can't drink, It wld make me feel so bad. But well... Let's see how it goes ba. Most likely no more alcohol for a few days. LOL.

Nonetheless, I met up wif Daniao this afternoon. Had a pretty nice catchup session, well mre like I'm jus doing most of the talking, since.. U noe, I've had a pretty sad life these few years so, I'm jus saying Wadever I wanna say lol. Come to think of it, I don't think i heard much of his life.. Heh oh wells. So apparently he's doing smth tt I wanted to do, Meeting up wif frens who'd not been in contact for a long while, even tho I'm not sure if his intentions are tt pure given his current job. But I shall gif him the benefit of the doubt since today rly did end up as a pure catchup session.


Well.. I guess tts abt it for now. Will update again when I haf the mood haha.

still the same.

Practically rotted the whole day today since it's my bday. And met up with my frens for dinner. It was pretty... Boring as predicted. U noe, even tho there are moments of laughter, of joy. There are also a few awkward silent moments. Can't blame tho, after all we're in this awkward stage of transition between  student life and working life. And most likely, we'll be in different industries tt might lead to  u noe, lacking in common topics.

It's pretty sad tt even as we, frens of 12+ years, start feeling awkward hanging out together. Perhaps it's jus me, perhaps it's the same for everyone. I mean, we've been thru so much shit together, are we gonna start falling apart soon.?
Heh. Well.. It's 2+am and I can't slp. Thus I'm jus updating abt stuffs. To my dear frens... I do cherish each and everyone of u. But... Until the day I'm able to hold my head up high, ok fine jus bring able to hold my head up, I will.. Ok I've said it so many times.. I wanna share my life story wif u. And I hope u will wanna share too. Each. And. Every. Single. One of u.

To all those who didn wish me a happy bday. I do wonder if it's because u didn bother, u didn noe, or u intentionally chose not to.. It's fine. Since I was the heartless one, I'll get back to u ppl. One way or another. Some day.:))


Though I've always been saying the same things these days.. I'm still hopeful for a better tomorrow. No matter how long it will take, I. Will. Be optimistic.
As quoted frm my dad. I shld be glad enuf tt I'm still alive and kicking with no health problems whatnot. All the other things tt ain't in my grasp.. I shldn be too sour abt it, hahaha k fine, he ain't tt wise, he merely said the thing abt "I shld be glad tt I'm still living". I added the rest of it. Teh heh.


I'll find u. When I'm ready.

watashi no o'tanjobi

was trying to read my bday's post frm last year but it seems like i didn post anything last year.
perhaps... i was too sad then?? heh. well, ill try to remember frm my memories then.


okie, last yr... if im not wrong... i planned to disclose the fact tt i retained to my family..so yups t on the 4/9/2013, i was drinkin saporo beer with my fren. heehee, as the last celebration or whatnot.


for the last few years, ive wished for the same thing, "please attain happiness by ur nxt bday and nt be like this 'me' nxt year"
well.. this year... nth much changed, other than the fact tt ive.. finally officially graduate... im still pretty much far away frm my happiness. of cuz my happiness wld include.. hmm mayb having loadsa frens celebrating my bday with me, having a special someone to spend it with... and such.


 well... if ive to rank my bday's it gets worse year by year instead of... u noe... improving. ive got like zero bday well wishes at 12am this year.. tts pretty..sad.. makes me start to wonder wad went wrong u noe, as im someone who rly cherishes events like bdays.


even tho my bday's gon be pretty much of a bore, ill try to keep whatever in stall for me as.. a surprise?? tt is more like an obligation since ill be meeting my frens tml night.. yes they are all working alrdy and im still trapped unemployed ( todays my last day in spinelli but i shall blog abt tt nxt time) so yea, i hope its not gon be tt awkward and stuff.


tch. even with tt "special day" amt of beer, i still feel pretty normal. so tt sucked.
but.. n0netheless, i shall make a few bday wishes.. i..


1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me


welll all in all... happy birthday to me !! ill most likely update tml;?? if theres anything worth mentioning... if nt.. u gotta wait prolly a few weeks more. teh heh

September.

How time flies, it's September again. My Favourite month of the year, wher it's no longer tt hot and stuff. Rly looking forward to leaving the job. It's.. Gon be a load off my chest. The prolonged suffering is finally stopping and this time, I guess I haf no regrets. After all.. I didn even noe why I bothered giving 4mths of my life to them, while I've been trying to improve tt place, things did change, but I'm pretty sure tt the people didn. So it's jus gonna fall back into the same patterns, same routine.. Heh.

Ive tried. I worked hard. I rly did my best. If u guys didn manage to learn anything frm me, it's.. Sad but oh well.

Hmm, The past year has been pretty.... Oh wait, I'll keep tt for my Thursday's post. Hahaha.

So for now Ill jus do a mini countdown on my own, I won't say tt "yays life's gon be hell lots of better", cuz, it may not be. Change can be painful, change can be slow, change is difficult but, if we don't change we can't improve, if we don't fight we can't win, if I lose, I'll jus fight again. If i keep failing... Well I'll jus scold some vulgarities, drink some alcohol and.. Emo for a while.. And den see how it goes.? Lol but the point is u noe, if u don't try u won't know, if ure resistant to change,  ure bound to get stucked in a shithole, a swamp, a pool of quicksand, sooner or later.

Hence! Pls.. Let it be fast, let it be smooth. I think I've alrdy had enuf of sucky parts of life. Tho I do haf myself to blame but, pls.? Lemme be happy soon. I'm rly dying for it.

I'm so eager to leave omfg.