Accidental desperation

in spite of everything tt happened. It almost felt like I'd accidentally fell for somebody. While I was the constantly rejecting everyone and shit.

then comes a problem. I realised that id been boring for too long. I don't rly know what to do nowadays.im jus slping, drinking, working, omg. this cannot be it.

while everyones lamenting about hw 2016 had been and hw they will be better in 2017.
as if a day named as "New years day" can change their luck, their character, their fate, and remove all of their memories.
alas, they are gonna wake up on "new year's day" feeling empty. feeling ah. its a new year and everythings the same.

well I don't blame them. I too had always wished for the same, wishing for life to change for me. but I realised that I have to be the one to change life.

uh wadever. I'm jus gonna continue living. continue fighting. continue working and not hoping to forget wadever bad things that had happened to me.

for all of these things made up the current me.

The me in green.

had alot of time to think about life which I'd forgotten about while drowning myself in work.

had much feels after being pulled out from my routine life into reservist.

while doing smth which I rly hated, I started missing the little things that seemed all so minute. time with my family, time with my frens, time with any other ppl except for the hateful ppl I'm spending my reservist with.

Its is with great fortune that this cycle wasn't as taxing physically. So, id been given lots of time to just lie on my bed and think about everything and anything?

So yeah, I'm just thinking, while I'm trapped in this endless work cycle, trying to complete all them repetitive stuff, and even coming up with new ways to completing those repetitive stuff. Does it even matter at the end of the day?

I'm fighting to bring bread and butter to the table. while others aint really fighting as hard but are bringing in steak and foie gras on to their exquisite dining table in their own homes.

while I do believe that my raw capabilities are better than all those ard me, and in time, I'm gonna surpass all of them. and I need to play my cards right in order to rise, but its rly quite disgusting tt when I stay passive and watch others rise.

On the other side of the coin, all these are so petty. so small, so.... insignificant. How does it even matter which bitch/ bastard don't do their job well. while talking behind their backs certainly don't help, ah. even thinking about it now feels so lame.

I guess I gotta be the bigger person, a superior human being, that's my key for moving forward.


For... I aint like the rest.

Mortality

Well not like anyone is gonna gg soon but my mum kinda fell sick couple of days ago. While, I still feel like working my guts out coz of some stupid sense of responsibility. Which, nobody wld actually give a damn abt how much I did anw.

But. I jus enjoyed it. Heh.

Anw, I sincerely hope tt my mum's gonna be ok and be able to get healthy again. After all, she'd been strong and healthy for so Long. And I hope tt she can stay tt way for at least wad, 20 years.?++ srsly. I think they deserve it. Where she can see me obtain strength and power. To rise above everyone else. It wld be a shame tho. So cheers mum. I'll see u ard for at least 20years on K. AT LEAST. U may live till 100+ , I'll be very happy for tt.

So yea. I Guess it's a gd wake up call for me to go home promptly and not being so selfish. Indulging myself in wadever I felt like doing.

I... needa go home. :)

Shouldnt

Well I shldn haf started the game to begin with as I will b the only one whos gonna get hurt. So yup. Here I am. And there u are. Such Games aren't meant for ppl like me and I shld, jus u know,  go hide in a corner somewher n rot on my own.

Empires rise n fall.

While I'm bz trying to build my empire now, recruiting supporters, gaining power. I Guess I shldnt destroy my empire now.? So yea. Cuz u haf to power to make me forsake everything.

Heh. How retarded of me.

It hurts

as I am already aware, it would've hurt if I did tried. An almost impossible task, the task tt I do not dare to charge ahead.

It hurts when I tried to move forward to no avail, it hurts when I do not feel wanted. It hurts so much more than when I do not feel anything to the point wher I do not dare to hurt myself anymore.

I don't know, I Guess I'm gonna remain as a coward, I Guess I shld go back into my hole. I.. shld be alone

To let go.

To stop clinging on to smth tts not rly working, to give up on smth tts rly bothering you is rly rly liberating.

it makes me feel in control, feel.... freedom, at least for a while, instead of constantly feeling suffocated, constantly trying hard, trying and trying and trying.

uhh well today was rather not eventful as always but I guess I did manage to live through it nonetheless.
Walking in the rain, smth tt I liked doing a couple of years back, to feel wad it felt then, I duno, I no longer feel much. am I the changed man tt i'd wanted to be, or am I still the same.


if we ever meet again, will you be able to tell me the answer? that if I did manage to become someone better.

the ones that got away.

looking back at all the things that ive done.

power, recognition, hate.

all of these are so minute from the view of an observer. my lame struggles to destroy, to belittle, to prove myself seems... so stupid.

I do quite miss those days, where I just do whatever tt they ask of me n go home, party on Friday nights, get wasted for the whole weekend and go back to work again on Monday. or even further back, where I had to play petty tricks inside a café, lol..

life.


cheers. to the ones that got away. well, I aint sure that if I'm better than I was but... well.

congrats on being happily married.
congrats on finding someone worthy of your love.
I think youre doing well but... where are u tho.
are u happy now? well.. I'm still where I am.
lol



cy out.

expect me.

Previously:

"i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

....
I should stop expecting gd things to come my way."

Now

I guess I tend to forget over time, tt I tot I am entitled to certain things which I'm actually not. in which this sense of entitlement actually make me into a lousier human being than I'm supposed to be.

what kind of expectation am I having now, who and what gave me the right to be judgemental and decide how I should act infront of different ppl.

I need to stop expecting good things to come my way and I need to stop thinking highly of myself.

I need to be a nicer human being.

Lets use this 1 week break to shove tt into my thick skull with no contents.

The strong

aint tt always the case? Where tough men fight the war while others are enjoying the peace.

I've been strong for so Long tt I'm looking forward to a decent closure.

ive also been alone for so long that I don't think tt I needed another person near me.

a wild dream to remind me tt I'm human, a...dream. that I need to wake up frm. I will not be stupid and I will find my own way to get a life this time ard.

world.

I'm sick of whining.

I'm sick of complaining

I'm. jus sick of this.

Life had nv been fair and why... am I always the victim of such unfairness. Of cuz there are ppl who are worse off than me. of cuz there are ppl who are struggling just to stay alive and all. but, why, cant I get on top.

this is tiring.

just give it to me will you? that happiness that I'm supposed to have since long ago. y are you keeping it away from me.

right. I'm me, my purpose here is jus so tt other ppl can feel better when they compare themselves to me.

yea. in fact of whining and complaining, I should just be the sucker and suck it all up and let other ppl shine.

Dead heart

i cannot remb the last time I'm able to say words of love to somebody, or rather devote myself to love someone.

it could be because of the lack of opportunity, it could be due to the fact tt I've forgotten how to live.

I'm meeting frens and I don't enjoy the company, I cant think of words to say to stay relevant. I am losing it, my social skills, slowly but surely.

well.... have I always been so lonely? have i always been this boring? i do not know and i guess i should change, somehow.

In comparison

I donned my formal shirt, work pants, leather belt, sprayed on some branded cologne. Put on my leather shoes, picked up my black briefcase that still reeks of leather and left house as per my normal routine. I got on the train and tried my very best to squeeze into the packed train heading towards the city area.

Damn. This nostalgic feeling, this feeling which came to me when I was commuting to sch years ago. "I'll nv get stuck here like a canned sardine again"

The same route, the same train, the same scenery, the boy changed. It's been 2 yrs, well it may be considered Long for some while not tt much different for someone who's still studying.

So much of me had changed. I wld not get to put on formal working attire on a daily basis then, the cologne, putting wax and all on my hair. I rly looked different now. Wld you still recognise me if u hadn't seen me since then.?
I was smone new to the working world, nt tt I'm a veteran now but, now I'm in control of ppl, playing those games tt adults play, some say tt I'm gd at it but I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time tho. I just take it as it comes, handle each situation as it slaps itself onto my face, I deal with it. While I tot tt i have responsibilities and I have did well in my work, I can't help but having this thought which often find its way to my mind on the darkest nights.

"What am I doing these for.?"

While trying to find the answer to tt qn, I got tired and I fell aslp.

When my alarm rung the next morning, I would spring out of my bed and don my formal shirt.....


- working CY

emotions

I believe that my emotions should have died off? but just as my heart thought tt hey, I got reminded of the fact tt I should kill all of my emotions.

So until the nxt person who happen to come along and wake me up again, I...should keep everything to myself. I must nt trust others, for the only one I can trust is myself.

isn't tt a very sad truth to be told?
it may be, but tt is the safest way out.

bad habit

looks like I can kick tt habit after all.

We shall stay as complete strangers frm nw on.

heh,i'd rly rly wanted to remove all of my regrets but I suppose I shld trust tt the me back den did the right thing. I had weighed all of pros and cons of the situation and I had made the best decision which led to the situation now.

mayb with tt in mind I wouldn't have to keep thinking abt the past and I will not keep being a nuisance to those who already got away.


Happiness does not belong to me.

I shld just live like this.

hello goodbye

how many times has it been. I cant remember since I aint keeping count. but so it seems that those that hangs out with me gets lucky. LOl. tho it aint cuz of me but it just happens. perhaps I give despair to ppl ard me that in turn motivates them to move outta their comfort zone and manage to grasp happiness.

I guess I shld.. also.. take a stronger approach before I start forgetting about love, about life.

Do take a step back from work yea? cy hee.

Backwards

As we kept trying to find happiness by moving forward, we would feel really disappointed when happiness seems nowhere in sight.

our human instinct would thus tell us to try looking backwards again, we must have just missed our happiness, it must be back there.

but then again, heh no. it will not be there.

so yup cy, keep moving forward. it will be there.

braving through the storms.

what would you do when its raining and you still want to reach your destination as soon as possible, while not having an umbrella with you.

I moved forward.

while I do get wet in the process, while ppl may think that I'm stupid. but well, I feel satisfied.

ahh I rly do love the rain after all.

anw yea, I'm outta alternatives. I'm outta choices. no more backups plans and now, I'm on my own. heh

Home late.

i do want to go home early but somehow i can't.

I do want to get a life too but I can't.

 Can u just lemme get a life pls.?

funny

funny how things can change, time has passed, and how some things remain the same. had intended to drag my ass out for no gd reason other than breathing in fresher(nt really) air and the same scenario had to happen again.

having the bus 67 moving off right in front of my eyes and after waiting and making the xtra effort to move on to another bus stop to get other bus services, the nxt bus 67 came. -_-

yup so here I am now. blending in to the crowd with my laptop and a cup of coffee doing nth much heh. um, yea I just wanted to relive those days wher I was a student. just chilling out and trying to study, but wait, Im still ard tt age yea? zzZZzz k fine. even saying tt I look tt age is kind of a stretch.

I sincerely hope that my positivity can last.
I will not feel unhappy for a while.
I will be happy and will be able to take on any challenge posed to me without any problems.
I will be able to smile to the ppl I do not like.

ahh I will be happy.

Trip.

I need to calm down, I needa chill out.

and so I happened to join some ppl for a trip. I would say I'm rly srsly not a traveling type of person, especially with ppl I'm nt rly close with.

well. I wldnt say tt I'm totally unhappy abt the whole experience while being rly thankful for being invited, but I'm not rly enjoying anw.
but ok rly, its rly a pretty gd experience to remove myself frm the annoying lifestyle I'm having and trying smth new for once. so, yea ok, cool.


im back and enjoying my leave. and after a few days off frm my workplace, im sincerely feeling the positivity flowing back into me, ive always felt frustrated, drained, unhappy and also a myriad of other negative emotions. I have none of them now. perhaps it is them spreading the negativity to me unknowingly, perhaps it is me being in tt situation which makes me negative.

I.. am rly curious abt how positive I can be now and I even kinda like myself more these few days. hmm, but im pretty sure that this wld not last long. ill have to get back into tt dark hole again nxt week.

heh. we'll see how it goes then.


I think I kinda know what moving on means now. Even if I still think of you, even if I still want to be with you and the fond memories engraved in my mind will still bring a smile to my face.

I will not try to move towards you.
ive probably finally moved on.

expectations

i'd been feeling down for q a while. for? for wad. lol mainly when reality differs from my expectations. heh.

now tt I think back, wad is the reason for being angry, why do I have to be unhappy, I might have thought tt I'm someone great, I'm rly good at my job. in fact, I'm lacking in many ways, so why am I thinking tt I'm so perfect. heh.

so yea, y do I have to keep my expectations so high, well its not very high but perhaps just higher than wad I actually deserve.

I should just be grateful for wadever I have, whatever I'm given and make do with them. as long as I don't have to stay in the streets or have to stay hungry, I should be glad. I shld be happy.

I should stop expecting gd things to come my way.

Really sick.

putting in hard work and not recognised. Finding out my own flaws. I don't Noe anymore, I work hard, I worked smart, but it doesn't seem to be enuf.

then I remembered the reason why I had always not gave my best in the things I do previously, because hard work doesn't really pay. and given for my case, after working hard, giving my all, I wld only get disappointment in return, well... if only disappointment was the only thing I got back. nope. ive got so much more, losing my confidence, losing my temper, losing my happiness, my hope for the future.

I can pick up and go, or choose to stay and fight. There are no correct answers or right choices, whatever I choose wld just not work out anw.


ahhh.. I do not want to go back into that world, tt world whereby I keep fighting for smth with no end in sight, with no rewards, with no ending.

moved on.

so its 6:05 am and I'm kinda tired but not sleepy. must be due to the caffeine overdose from starbucks and all.

everyone moved on, even I did. but I guess moving on doesn't mean you forget abt all the fond memories before, its accepting tt those times will not return. Perhaps also with a tiny bit of hoping you could somehow get in touch again but of cuz, no actions will be done. cuz they've moved on, and their definition should be different from mine.

so... work. am I good at it? no I don't think so. am I better than them? perhaps not. I don't know. I'm slowly consumed by my ego again and I'm telling myself tt I'm so damn good and I can judge ppl. no man. you aint half as good as u think u are.

so yea wake up dude. ure still tt same old shithead as u always were.

Cruel.

Day in and out, I've always tried my best to complete whatever task tt had been given to me. I do not know if I am appreciated but at least, I am able to answer to myself, tt I rly tried, hard.

Disappointment of not getting the results tt I'd desired, I do not know know why am I still so affected by it. Hasn't this happened so many times? Haven't I gotten used to it.? Why can't I jus face it with a smile and let it Breeze through.?

Isn't this world just unbearably cruel.

I must try to smile even in times of hardship. I will smile to failure, to ppl I do not like, to things that I'm not happy with, because a smile, could be the most disguise tt one can don

mine.

我已经没有不能说的秘密, 我不具名的悲傷也已经不痛了.

It is not the Time To love and no, I'm no longer Still into you.

its is time for me to embrace a new beginning, as we venture into a new chapter. being sad and all for so bloody long is too embarrassing and I'm gonna have to stick with my plan.

this is my life, I will choose how to live it.

getaway.

Am on a short getaway trip right now, tho I didn rly asked for it. It's funny how only when I'm ripped away frm my normal routine tt I get to start thinking.
Well, thinking abt life, abt u, and also abt nth, simply breaking away frm my mundane working lifestyle.

I'd been thru good times, and bad times. Many good news and many bad news, which i wldve loved to share with somebody. but well, there seems to have been no one left.

this reservist, had been pretty useful, tho not looking forward to it but it did manage to get me out of my comfort zone and live like someone else for a while.

so here I'm gonna sign off as Sgt Er. Peace out.



And I think you should be somethin' I don't wanna hold back
Maybe you should know that
......
And I've been so caught up in my job
Didn't see what's going on

distance.

as the days pass, my emotions grow more distant.

Happiness, is smth I haven't felt in a long while, in exchange for the monthly salary, I believe I had lost something that is essential for a human being.

being in love with someone, having a hobby, appreciating somebody, hanging out with friends, shopping for something tt I liked, going for dates. None of those seems impt to me right now as I am looking forward to weekend drinking sessions and simply, just staying myself and playing random games.

I don't know anymore, I am lazy to go after ppl, (not tt theres anyone for me to go after anw) but.. is tt a gd enuf reason?

Can I use that excuse for all eternity? well.......... yea I've gotta change soon.. like.... soon? heh.

victor n loser.

History is written by victors against the losers.
I don't love u so theres no basis for me to dislike him. I sincerely believe that this is done by my prideful self, that me who wants to win in everything, the one who wants to have everything.

Well, if I didn get part in the race I wont lose, if I don't set myself as a competitor, I wont...yeah. ok anw, yes. I should have the right mindset as a loser yes? to be able to congratulate and feel happy for someone who did well in smth else. To look at myself and try to uds why I lost, and why wld someone win. heh. ok fine I guess ive nv had the guts to admit tt ive lost, perhaps tts y I didn get to win.

if im making any sense at all. well will edit it again later.

life.
life.

Well, at least ive got enuf to spend, at least ive got a roof over my head. Things cldve been so much worse than wad I have now. are u gonna ask me to be satisfied? heh no. We have to accept wad we had achieved with pride, but its not a sin to crave for more.

instead of simply working and working and working.. I needa break outta this cycle. I needa.. get back on track yes?

right CY is always right.

Stimulation

i no longer rmb how Long it's been, where i felt my heart flutter, with happiness and excitement plus nervousness. Looking forward to seeing someone, thinking of where we shld go for meals, wad shld we do after that.
Nth much changed bout my life and well, I just thought tt I shld document smth down frm time to time. Heh, for my own reference later on. Anw, yup as I'm currently on my way to work, I'll just end with smth quick to the future me.

Pls rmb this moment where u felt so dead. When someone appears who made u feel alive again, grab hold of her and don't let her go.